Bringing in 2011

Normally, I do up a sort of recount of my resolutions from last year, and list new ones.  I am not going to do that this year.  There is too much going on.  There is too much in my head right now to even think about it.

My Godfather/Uncle died on the 28th.  His funeral is on the 3rd.  I am sad and full of regret.  I have learned that regret and guilt are two different emotions.  Regret I can handle.  Guilt, leads to shame and I don't want/need that.

I have actually decided to go out tonight to a house party to hear a friend play with his band.  This will be the first NYE I have ever gone "out" to.  Yes I spent NYE with E, P, C, T, and D a few years ago, but no getting drunk and hitting on young men that year.  It was a stay in the house kind of event.  This year is different.  Oh yeah, and I am getting dressed for it.  Fancy top, and new jeans.  I am going to show off my new size. I am going to show off my boobs.  I am actually looking forward to this.  What to wear is laid out. Schedule has been made up so I do not forget to do anything.  I will actually be wearing a bit of makeup to this thing. 

I am going to be jumping in with both feet, to distract myself from what will be happening on Sunday and Mondays. This is called Opposite Emotion.  Yes, another DBT thingy. 

Next year is all about learning more about emotions, DBT thingies, not binging (and loosing weight because of it), not drinking to much, and just being healthier in mind and body. 

Happy New Years to all.

Having a regret day

Today, all I feel is regret.  Regret about how I have been living with myself the last couple of months.

I have been drinking a lot and have been lying about it.  Every weekend I make excuses to myself about why it is ok for me to drink.  Some weekends I don't.  Most weekends I do.  I drink enough to down a horse or more, but only end up staying awake, without a hang over to even make me think.  I drink enough to get me to a point where I don't feel inhibited with flirting, especially with guys I wouldn't think would go home with me.

I have been having sex a lot, and unsafe (but not in the STD way) partners.  I have been craving pain, and getting it from strangers.  I have been finding those young ones that enjoy choking.  I don't know how it happens, but it does.  Last weekend, I brought home a 27 year old that enjoyed choking.  I have been on an internet web site to get guys.  I have ended up inviting guys I just talked to over, because I know we will have sex. 

I have not been worried about my safety.  I just don't care right now.  I don't care if someone I pick-up will hurt me or kill me or rob me blind.  I just don't care.

December 1st and hoping for a better time than last year.

Last year, I started getting the symptoms, of what turned out to be, Conversion Disorder.  The stress was so much, that my brain told my body to stop  working properly.  My brain wanted me to pay attention to the fact that I was stressed, and had reached my breaking point, without me going completely insane. 

This year, things are different.  This year I am in special therapy.  This year, my family knows better.  This year, I have a coping plan.  This year, I actually feel relaxed about everything.  This year, I am looking forward, and not backwards.

I am "dating" more.  I am actually putting myself out there, to others.  I am opening up about how I feel and not just trying to block it all.  I am meditating more.  I am "in the moment" more.  I am just more.  I like it.

Sure finances suck.  Sure I have to cut back on who I can give gifts to, and how much I can spend.  Sure I could use more help around the house.  Really, none of these things are anything to loose my head over. 

Today I am decorating my house for the season.  My altar is all green and ready.  I want to go out and get holly and mistletoe sprigs.  I want to go and get my wreaths for my doors.  I am ready to decorate limes, lemons, and oranges.  I just want to enjoy this season, and just be one with it. 

Today I am smiling