Bringing in 2011

Normally, I do up a sort of recount of my resolutions from last year, and list new ones.  I am not going to do that this year.  There is too much going on.  There is too much in my head right now to even think about it.

My Godfather/Uncle died on the 28th.  His funeral is on the 3rd.  I am sad and full of regret.  I have learned that regret and guilt are two different emotions.  Regret I can handle.  Guilt, leads to shame and I don't want/need that.

I have actually decided to go out tonight to a house party to hear a friend play with his band.  This will be the first NYE I have ever gone "out" to.  Yes I spent NYE with E, P, C, T, and D a few years ago, but no getting drunk and hitting on young men that year.  It was a stay in the house kind of event.  This year is different.  Oh yeah, and I am getting dressed for it.  Fancy top, and new jeans.  I am going to show off my new size. I am going to show off my boobs.  I am actually looking forward to this.  What to wear is laid out. Schedule has been made up so I do not forget to do anything.  I will actually be wearing a bit of makeup to this thing. 

I am going to be jumping in with both feet, to distract myself from what will be happening on Sunday and Mondays. This is called Opposite Emotion.  Yes, another DBT thingy. 

Next year is all about learning more about emotions, DBT thingies, not binging (and loosing weight because of it), not drinking to much, and just being healthier in mind and body. 

Happy New Years to all.

Here, but not here

i know i have been sounding kind of chipper lately, and i am, in a way. i am also not wanting to isolate myself. i am not wanting to hide under my rock. i am just not in the mood for certain things right now.

Sitting at the computer playing games just isn't in my blood right now. i just don't feel the pull to it. Sitting on the couch, and reading the paper, or sitting on my bed and colouring, those are things i want to do. Going for a drive and finding a nice place to walk around would be great.

Today my mind is on camping. It is Wednesday. i really want to go on Friday. i can't afford it though. It is very likely i won't be able to go. Instead i will just be home alone. No fire. No birds flying around me. No squirrels chasing each other around. No quiet skies full of stars. No sound of wood burning. No shivering as i sit around the fire. Damn i want to go really bad.

i haven't done my decorating yet. i fell more like sitting and doing nothing. Pouting about this weekend.

The Season is Upon Us...

Well, starting tomorrow that is. Today is about paying bills and getting groceries, and figuring out when to get what gifts for each person on my list. Today is also about getting the "pre-tree" decorations up from the basement. Today is starting to write out holiday cards, and wait for the school to deliver the photos of the MIT. Tomorrow is when i start to decorate.

i decorate my desk, entertainment center, walls, kitchen, and even the bathroom. The only rooms i don't decorate are the bedrooms. There must always be a place for escape from the stress of the season.

i already have every one's gifts picked out. i just have to go and get them all. i know, i have to leave the house, and actually go into stores. Not my favourite activity, but one that must be done. Then hiding in my non-decorated room for a little.

This year, i am not baking. i refuse. i usually end up hurting myself if i bake. i don't want that to happen. Plus, i just don't need the added stress. i may decide later to bake a few cookies, but not likely.

This year is about being as less stressed. This year is about enjoying the (soon to come) snow. This year is about remembering last year and previous years. This year is about enjoying those i love and that love me.

Numb

It has been a week since i posted. A week since the funeral. Two weeks since her death. i still think about her every day. my heart skips a beat when i drive past the hospice. i keep thinking i should be in there with her. We should be scooting outside for a smoke, watching TV or talking about the staff. i am a friend. E must have it worse.

On Thursday E's daughter took me to the movies for her birthday. We saw Twilight. It was ok. What was better was the fact that she asked me. E didn't want to see it before she read the book, and i have already read it, and she thought of me. She even invited me to her birthday dinner on the Friday night. i wasn't able to go to that. Between therapy and tooth pain, i just didn't have the stamina.

Therapy was me feeling numb and not wanting to feel anything but that. The session was all factually. No feelings were discussed. Sandy said i needed that to breath. A chance to breath from the pain and loss and feeling. i can't feel numb right now. Every time one of the flowers withers, i cry. i save it and i cry at its loss. i cry as it represents to me, another part of her going away. The MIT has been home all week. It is exam time and He is home. We have been watching Smallville most of the week. He doesn't like to see me cry, so i have been hiding those feelings from Him.

Now for the tooth. i have been having tooth pain for a few weeks. It went away when i was on the antibiotics for strep. It came back. It got so bad, i actually stood at the door of the dentist Monday morning before they opened. i ended up coming home after a root canal. Can you say ouch? The only pain killer i am on is ibuprofen. Like that is a big help. On top of that, i have strep again, so i am on antibiotics for both the tooth thing and the throat.

i am really starting to hate January. Almost as much as i hate May.

Reflection on the appointment

Today was therapy day. i didn't vent much. i felt relaxed enough to cry there. i cried a lot.

i have decided the word "tired" isn't enough. i am now using the word defeated. That is how i am feeling. Defeated.

One of the main things we talked about was me getting my diabetes under control. i have been thinking about how to do that since the appointment. i don't know how. Yes i have a diabetic clinic that i go to that has a nurse and a dietitian. Yes i have the backing of my doctor, and now my therapist. i don't know how they can help past what they are doing it. i know it has to be me that does it. i know what to do. i have read the books. i have listened to the dietitian. i have listened to the nurse. i have listened to the doctor. i know i should be eating 4 times a day. i know i have medications to take. i know what types of food to eat, and even what portions to have. i know i need to add exercise to my routine. my biggest problem, is i really don't care enough about myself to stick to it.

When the stress and depression get so bad i am thinking of letting go of the cliff, i loose myself in the depression and forget to take my meds, and don't eat or don't eat right. When i am lost in that depression, i don't want to move, or leave the house, and i don't have the money to join a gym. WW helped me in the past, but i don't have the money to do it, or the energy to follow through with the meal plans. Yes i cook when i can, but it is because i know i will not have the energy the next time to actually prepare a meal.

So i feel stuck. i feel defeated. i feel like i am defeating myself

Usually....

This time of year, is when i post what i promised myself last year, and what i am going to promise myself this year. That isn't happening right now. Maybe that will happen later, but there is too much keeping me in the now and not in the future. There are things i want to start doing more of, and those are what i am going to be listing.

1. Getting serious about practicing the "holidays" regarding my pagan beliefs. More taking care of my altar. More preparing foods for the special days. More meditating quietly when i have time.
2. Cooking more. i have already started, but i want to keep doing this and getting more recipes under my belt. i am enjoying watching the Food Network, and have been taking ideas from there. i also want to learn how to cook Chinese food, so i don't have to spend so much on ordering in. Also, cooking Tai food would be nice, as i can't order from anywhere without risking an bad allergy.
3. Spending more time with those i love. Yes it is hard when the MIT is having problems, but i am going to work around that.
4. Work with my doctors regarding my medications. This feeling nothing, or feeling like life isn't worth it, sucks.
5. Going camping with the MIT and my Dad more. It is nice quiet time the three of us can spend together. It is actually something i look forward to. Maybe we can incorporate P&E and the kids. That would be nice. Camping is something i have learned to enjoy again.

Well, those are the things i want to work on. i am not going to pressure myself much. Pressure adds to the anxiety, and the need for perfection, and that is something i can't do right now. i know i need to take care of myself more. i am just not motivated. Hopefully that will change as my medications get changed. Caring would be a big improvement.

The MIT has had 2 deaths in the last 2 weeks. A person He knows from church had gone from being ok, to slipping into a coma and dying 2 days later. She died Christmas Eve. Tuesday, my parent's neighbour, Vince, died. my Dad and Vince's son had to break into the house and found him dead. The MIT was very close to him. They liked to sit outside and talk. The MIT lost it when i told Him. He went outside and screamed. He came in angry and looking like He would hurt Himself. He lost His right side immediately. He is still upset about both deaths. Monday He is not going to be going to school. He will be going to a funeral. He has lost a great many people in His short life. That makes me sad

Today the MIT and i are spending a quiet time at home. i am drinking lots of water. Baileys and eggnog are a great combination, but i need to rehydrate. Tomorrow is more MIT and mommy time. Saturday will be sleeping and getting back to feeling more like myself. Sunday will be more of the same as Saturday. Monday will be the MIT going to a funeral, and me being able to spend more time with D at the hospice.

i have missed our quiet times together. She has beaten a number of odds to make it this long. She is a very strong and stubborn woman. She is a great friend, and i will never forget her influence on me.

Yeah, today is not a happy day for me.

Feeling a bit more normal

i have slept. i slept most of Friday (after the boxing day shopping). i slept most of Saturday. i slept in this morning. The wind and falling things work me up. Seems Ham is having an extreme wind warning this morning. Shingles are flying off my house. The noise is disturbing.

P is better. He had His appendix taken out. It had slightly ruptured. He is still in the hospital, but E is hoping He will be out today. It all depends on how much antibiotics the doctors want Him to have.

The MIT is well. He is enjoying staying in His room and watching His new DVD's. He is at Mom and Dad's right now, and won't be back until tonight. Until then, i will be enjoying the quiet of the house and being able to lie down and sleep when i need.

i am back to taking my meds more regularly. i am not back to perfect, but it is better than nothing. All the junk food in the house is helping me keep in mind just how much i want protein. i have no left over turkey. i can't find anything in the house to fix the cravings. Today i am going to the store to get what i need and make a bunch of dishes so i can have protein fixes this week. It will help counter the chocolate i have.

i am still not out of the depressing. i am still wallowing in it. Still not having anything to keep me here. Still not sure why i am still here. A few days of sleep hasn't helped. i don't know what will help. The increase in the clonazepan is only making me more sleepy. i guess my mood has more balanced. i am still not feeling anything. That is the part that sucks. No tears. No anger. No joy. i just feel like nothing right now.

So, the tentative plan for today is to shower and dress. Go to Fortinos for bread. Go to M&M's for apple butter pork tenderloin. Go to Food Basics for cheap pop. Maybe drop the stuff off at E's. Maybe hit White Flame and use up my gift certificate from my Sis. The shower is desperately needed. The bread is desperately needed. The pork tenderloin is needed for protein. the pop is what is sustaining me.

i don't know what else to say. One day at a time i guess

Finally over

i am happy to report that yesterday is over. i survived. i am still in the same mood as i was before it all started. Depressed. Wanting to hide. Tired. The doctor had increased one of my drugs, and it seems to be helping. Well, helping the panic attacks. It makes me more tired, and just more of the not caring. At least i was calm.

Eve - The MIT went to church with my Mom and Dad. He chose to dress up. He wore the red dress shirt that L&D had given Him last year. He chose to wear black pants (not green) and he chose to wear a Christmas tie. Once He left, i had to force myself into wrapping gifts. i just couldn't find it in me to actually want to do it. i had to do it. i needed to get it done. So i did. grudgingly. i put on a happy face, setting up the cookies, eggnog, and carrots for Santa's visit. (yes my 16 year old still believes. i am a lucky Mom). After the MIT went to bed, i actually wrapped and set-up under the tree, and hung the stockings with care. i finally made it to bed about 2am

Day - i do didn't want to do this. i put off the MIT about opening gifts. He had woken at 4, and i kept Him from hitting the living room until 6:00. We opened gifts together. i took pictures. He took pictures. He totally enjoyed the fact that Santa stole a hedgehog from me. He loved the fact that we found a carrot outside partially eaten. It was a good time. Santa out shone me on one gift. It was fun playing that up. The MIT left for church, dressed in His regular red and green. i was supposed to wrap 2 family gifts. i was supposed to start on the turkey. i had no aluminum wrap. No starting the turkey for me. i went back to sleep. i got a call from my Mom telling me to get up, and get moving on preparing the turkey and having a shower. Eventually i did just that. They all showed up at noon. Food, aluminum wrap, and presents all in toe. i wrapped up the turkey and put it in the oven, hoping 4 hours was good enough.

It was present time. i had Sis wrap Mom's gift, and also her own, since i just couldn't bring myself to do it. i got stuff. Sis got stuff. Dad got stuff. Mom got stuff. Nana and Auntie showed up, and more gifts were exchanged. Mom eventually sent me to bed once Nana, Auntie and Sis had to leave. i got to sleep for an hour. When i got up, the turkey was done. It literally fell apart when i moved it from the roasting pan to the plate. Wings, legs, and 1/2 the carcass fell off. i guess i did really good. From that point, Mom and Dad took over the dinner, and i got to just lie in front of the TV and relax. Overall, it was a good day. i survived. i made it. i lived through it. All good, i guess.

Boxing day - Today the MIT is already watching 2 new DVD's. i am sitting here typing on the computer with the NCIS marathon is on in the background. i get to go out with my Mom shopping, while the MIT and Dad get to spend quiet time together. i have adivan packed to deal with humans and Mom's driving. This is not going to be fun.

E just called. P is in the hospital. They don't know what is wrong with Him. He is out of emergency, and now in a room. K&B are here to help, and also because K is P's next of kin. An ultra sound is scheduled. That is a wait and see issue. E is going to call me later, to either talk, or as me to help out. i am on standby, and am happy with it. i help where i can, and do what i can, when she and He need me. i may be taking care of the kids. i may be driving E to the hospital to visit P. i may even be driving B back to TO. i am prepared to do whatever is needed.

i will also be spending as much time with D as i can. Without P, E can't get there. i will be taking that responsibility over. Not a problem for me. i can handle it. i will just be leaving the MIT home when i go over. i can't have Him going full blown at the hospice again.

So that is my recap. That is my plan, of sorts. That is how my life, which is intertwined with my friends' lives, will be going for the next little while. At least i have a purpose for now. Purpose keeps me here. Purpose and responsibility are the only things keeping me here.

Let's get it over with already!

It is the early morning of Christmas Eve. i am up and begrudging it. i really don't want to celebrate this year. i am not feeling it. All i am feeling is anxiety, tired, stress, depressed. i just want to curl up under the covers and hide. Yesterday was hell. i couldn't catch a break. i have found that if a wrench is thrown into my plans, i just can't handle it.

Here was the plan. First, i had to head out and go get my Sis some money to take the MIT to get his hair done. Then off to the doctor. After the doctor, i was going to head off the Walmart, then Fortinos, then Day/Night pharmacy. Home to get the newly blond MIT, wrap some gifts, and get a shower. Off to see D at the hospice, then to E&P's to drop off gifts. Head home again, and actually relax until it was time for my Mom to get the MIT for karate. Get some of His gifts wrapped, call M, La and baby girl and invite them over for either Christmas eve or Saturday. Tidy-up for when the nurse and MIT get here. Head off and get smokes. That was the plan. Here is what really happened.

i am up and ready to go. It is time to get moving. First stop, bank machine for my Sis. i get out and into the van, and it wouldn't start. i had to call CAA and get a jump. The estimated time of CAA coming was an hour. i had to be at the doctor's office for 9:30 (i thought). Let the panic attack begin. i needed that appointment. After making a bunch of calls, and still waiting for CAA, i realized my appointment was changed to 10. OK, i could breath. As long as CAA actually showed up before 9:45. Another save. CAA arrived just after 9. Ok, time to breath again. Van got a jump, and off i went to get my Sis money. Then off to the doctor.

When you are stressed, and having a panic attack (or trying not to have a panic attack), drivers that hug your bumper, drivers that can't make up their minds about where they are going, and drivers that like to go over the yellow line when turning, drive you nuts. Stress increasing. Nerves on edge. i was f**ked. i got to the doctor's office and was a mess. i couldn't sit still. i kept digging my nails into my bicep. i broke down and cried. The doctor just looked at me and listened to me and watched me fall to pieces. She even suggested she admit me to get my meds and emotions under control. Nope, i have to much to do over the next few days. So, i left the doctor's office, script for meds in hand, and headed off to my next stop.

Walmart on the day before the day before Christmas. What the hell was i thinking. i couldn't do it. i got one look at the parking lot, and tried to figure out how many people would be in there and just couldn't do it. Panic attack activate!!! (private joke) i didn't even stop. i drove out of the parking lot, and headed to the drug store. i knew i had to get my meds. i went to the pharmacy, and found a parking spot. i saw my Sis's car. Good, they were still busy. Dropped off my script and headed to the hair place.

Different people do hair different ways. L used to do the MIT's hair. That won't work now, so Sis took the MIT to Haircrafters. Yeah, no where close to the treatment He got from L. He was not a happy boy. Sis talked me down a bit, and i was able to get some stuff at the pharmacy from my "still to get" list, along with my pop, and some stocking stuffers. Took all that to the van, and then went back to get my meds. Headed home and waited for the MIT to return.

In my head, i wasn't done. i still wanted to get the rest of my list finished. i wanted (and felt like i needed) to go and visit D with the MIT, and then P&E's. So, once He arrived, that is what we planned to do. We wrapped gifts, and got out the house. Got to D's and spent only a few minutes with her, when the MIT lost His right side. We started to leave (didn't want to get stranded with the MIT going full blown at the hospice). We got to a set of chairs just before the kitchen, and had to stop. The MIT went full blown. We sat there. Waited. A Santa walked by. People looked and said "hello" to the MIT and me. One nurse asked if He was ok. Gave the "yes, this is normal for Him" response. Waited. i ended up calling my Dad to come and bring us the MIT's wheelchair so we could make it home before 4. The MIT didn't get any movement back until after 6. That blew the entire day away. By the time the nurse showed up, i was in no shape to head off for smokes. i just couldn't do it.

Yesterday was hell in my head. Today i feel like a failure. i feel even more stress because i have more piled on me today. my list of "To Do" has grown since i couldn't get done, what i wanted to yesterday. It is raining. i hate the rain. i would rather have snow. i want to just cancel everything. No family. No presents. No expectations. No stress. No full blown. No anxiety. i just want it all to be over.

But it can't be. Not yet. Today i have to (in no particular order) gift wrap, go to Walmart, get smokes, do dishes, clean the house, make cookies for Santa, send the MIT off with my Sis, find eggnog for Santa, vacuum, get gifts and cookies to P&E's, do laundry, shovel, and smile while i do it.

i am so ready to get this over with.

Weird mood

Yes it is weird mood day. i am both hyper and depressed. i am jumping out of my skin. i feel like i have stuff to do, but i don't want to do anything. Weird mood.

Yesterday was a snow day. A snows so much you are trapped in your house day. It was nice being able to stay home with the MIT. Not needing to go out. Not needing to open the door. Not needing to do anything but sit in the house, in front of the TV, watching holiday shows and basking in the glow from the decorated tree. i love snow days. i can hide with out having to come up with an excuse to hide. So i hid.

Today i feel like i want to hide, but i feel the need to get things done. i am trying to figure out what to do. i did the laundry yesterday. i have dusted already. i think wrapping gifts would be a good idea. i think baking would be a good idea. Then, i think how much i don't want to do anything.

Later today i am going with P&E, along with D to their family party. It should be a different experience. A little insight given to me by E means i am going to have to be prim and proper for the party. i know what i am going to wear. i know how i am going to do my hair. i even know that i will be taking some meds to keep me calm and relaxed. i am going to be doing everything i can not to embarrass my friends. i will be on my best behaviour. Yes i am a little stressed over it. At least, i am told, i will have a good meal, and time with P&E and D. That i am looking forward to.

i am not invited to the Yule party being put on by L&d. D wants me there. She kept inviting me, and telling me it is silly for me not to be there, and she wants me there, so i will be there. i am not going. Not even for D. i can't. That friendship, with L&d, is gone.

(i just wrote a whole section on what happened with L&d, but have decided it is best to be put in a separate entry.)

So that is how i am feeling. Confused. Hyper. Depressed. Weird.

(Photos of the snow)

Faking it....

i am totally faking being happy and ok. i am putting on a happy face. i am putting on a cheerful glow. i am walking around fooling as many people as i can. Inside, i just want to cry and curl up and pretend the world has ended. Inside i have given up. Inside i am ready to call it quits. my therapist knows it. my doctor knows it.

i told them both on Friday. First Sandy and then the doctor. Both know i am going to stick around. The MIT isn't keeping me here anymore. It isn't a thought to me anymore. It is a complication right now, that is all. The only thing keeping me here right now is common courtesy and common sense. It isn't much. It is all there is right now. Beyond that, i just don't want to be here anymore.

The tree is decorated, only because my Dad came over after the MIT complained. The baking has been started, only because my Sis came over and helped direct me. The baking is the last "gift" i need to get. Everything else is done. i have wrapping to do, but that can happen later. It is just the baking now. i have 2 types done. i have 3 more to go. i just don't want to do them.

Instead, a nice distraction. i will be spending tomorrow with D. She has changed so much since her meds were altered. It is nice to see "her" back again. She has been missed. i am sure her and i can get in trouble together tomorrow. It is my plan anyways. Not my agenda, just my plan. i will, as always, follow her agenda. She is excited about Christmas. She is excited about feeling better. Being with her will be a nice distraction. It won't change how i feel. It won't change my mind. It will just be a nice distraction.

Just not in the mood..

for Yule/Christmas. i am just not in the mood for all the feelings, emotions, festivities, work, or anything else related to the time of year. There are a million reasons, i am sure. Ones i know about and ones i don't want to even aknowledge. The way i know i am not in the mood, is that today is Tree Day, and i don't want to go.



i don't want to bake. i don't want a tree to water. i don't want to be happy. i don't want to buy anymore stuff. i don't want to do it. Nothing. i want it to all be over and done with.

13 days until Christmas

and i still haven't gotten any baking done. 7 days until the MIT needs to have His gifts for the staff at the school and i still haven't gotten any baking done. Baking cookies isn't all about baking cookies. It is more about having treats here for my family, giving gifts to friends that will use them for their family, and giving the MIT's bus driver something for her kids to get a sugar high. i have 7 people i need/want to bake for. 7 presents left go create.

Today is therapy day. i have been having bouts of crying fits all week. i am glad Sandy decided i needed to see her today. i am just sorry it is to be first thing this morning. i would have much more appreciated sleeping this morning and seeing her this afternoon. Being over tired and going to therapy bodes for a weepy, red-eyed, snotty nosed, crying session. my feelings are more raw, and closer to the surface. Easily accessible. Not the way i like to be. i know, suck it up.

Yesterday after school, the MIT came home full blown. He had to be reminded to breath. He couldn't move. He lost his ability to talk as soon as we got into the house, off the bus. Swallowing was difficult for Him. It sucked. i haven't seen Him like this in a while. Then again, i tend to push days like yesterday into the back of my mind and forget it. It could have been a week ago, or a week ago. i wouldn't know the difference.

Yesterday i couldn't do what i wanted because of it. It frustrated me so much. i resented Him being the way He is. i resented not being able to block out the bad. i resented the disorder. i resented being a mom. i resented the time of year. i resented everything. i still feel that way. Even after being up most of the night, i still feel that way. Then again, it could also be because i was up most of the night. i don't know right now.

So anyways, it is therapy, shopping and doctor today. Hopefully it is also baking today. It is also picking up just 3 more gifts today. i will be asking Mom to help take me to one store. Then i will be taking myself to a couple others. my security blanket (iPod) will be with me the entire time.

iPod protection powers, activate!!

No post

i didn't post yesterday. i was too tired. my brain started to malfunction around 8pm. i went to bed about 10 last night, so i am better this morning.

Something that has also helped me, was founding......Hedgehogs!!!! Hedgehogs are made by Botticelli. They are a hazelnut chocolate. They look like hedgehogs. They have little noses you can bite off. They are my favourite chocolate, and i can only find them during the Yule/Christmas/Hanukkah season. They make me happy, just knowing i have some in the house.

The MIT is doing good. He is in a good humour. He is being polite, and the idea of Santa's Naughty or Nice list is a good incentive. He is taking more responsibility with regards to His personal care. It is nice to see. Now if i could only get Him cooking. LOL.

i am enjoying my time with D. Yesterday was a good day with her. She was very lucid and was stable physically, and was eager to do things. Today could be just as good. It could also be not so good. i will see once i get there. We may just hang out in her room, and wander the halls of the hospice, or we may go to the mall and get her picture taken with Santa, or we may take care of some Christmas tasks. As always, i will follow her lead. i just hope i don't forget to take everything with me. She threatened to put me over her knee yesterday after forgetting scissors.

Now that was a very funny dialogue.

The MIT is over my shoulder. Time to get going.

i don't know what to say....

i have thoughts in my head. i know they are there. i just can't seem to access them tonight.

Thoughts and ponders

Back at the beginning of D's journey and battle, i didn't help out much. i knew that they needed time to be a family while they could. i knew their time together was important, and me stepping in, might be more of an imposition than a help. So i stood back. Yes i was there when they called and needed me. Even still, i sometimes felt guilty.

Logically, i couldn't help all that much. i have responsibilities that keep me from helping as much as i would have liked. Those haven't changed. Those still keep me away from helping out as much as i think i should be. Still, i am there when they call and need me.

Now, as things progress and worsen, i am there. This is a time i know i can help. This is a time i know how to help. i have experience with this because of the MIT. This is a time when D and her family need someone close by that can drop everything and just be there. That i am able to do right now. That i am willing to do right now.

i am able to take D out in her wheelchair without difficulty. i took her out shopping. i am able to just sit and wait and listen in small bursts. i am able to lift and not hurting myself. i am able to change clothes easily without D helping. i am able to do body transfers. i am able to make someone drink when they can't remember. i am able to just sit and count breaths and remind her to breath.

i have practice with all of this. This is what i do with the MIT. For me, it is "easy" to do. For D's family, it isn't. i have been doing this for 16 years. They are not used to this. They need to grieve as it happens. i have been doing this for 16 years. They need to step back to keep their sanity. i have been doing this for 16 years. They need to deal with nurses and doctors and volunteers. i have been doing this for 16 years.

i can hear my therapist now. i can hear her concern that i am putting to much of myself out there. i can hear her worry about how i am going to feel when this is all over. i can hear myself wonder how things will change once it is all over. i can hear her wonder when i will have time for myself. i can hear her wonder how much energy i will have left at the end of the day, week, month. But now, now is when i can help.

Now i know how to help. i offer my help freely, with no thought of anything in return. This is the best present they could have given me. Time to be with D and give them piece of mind while i am there. Now i don't feel so guilty.

And it continues

The MIT is home. He is sitting and watching The Simpsons. He sits there content, and i feel like i have not accomplished anything this weekend.

In my head, i should have:

• baked 2 batches of sugar cookies
• baked 2 batches of spiced crinkle cookies
• decorated sugar cookies
• made another gift in a jar
• print out instructions for said gift in a jar

In reality i have:

• done all the dishes
• made a dinner that is sitting in the fridge for a day when i don't want to cook
• make 1 gift in a jar
• printed out instructions for said gift in a jar, plus 3 other gifts in a jar i had previously made
• dusted
• vacuumed
• sorted gifts i have gotten for people
• kept my room clean and tidy after cleaning it
• cleaned out and took down cooler
• took down the fridge/cooler
• brought up jars for gifts in a jar

So reality says i have gotten a lot done this weekend, but still my head says different. i feel like i have been lazy. i feel like i have let my weekend without the MIT go to waste. Yes, i took time for myself, but still, i have so much to do.

i get that i couldn't go out shopping this weekend, and that has a lot to do with getting my list finished. i have ingredients to get for baking and for gifts in jars. i have stocking stuffers to still get. i have one person's gift to get. i have 2 people that i can't figure out what to get. my list stays long until those things are done, and i have the money to do them.

The big "problem" i am having, is the baking. i want to bake. i need to bake. i just can't seem to make myself bake. i think of baking, and then i remember my little freezer at the top of my fridge is full. It is full of stuff that i will eventually use, just not right now.

Damn it, i need a freezer. A real freezer.

And so the day begins

It is 9:00 on a Saturday. i have no MIT today. He went to respite last night. i will be picking Him up on Sunday.

So far today, i have taken my meds (yay me), made my bed, tidied my room, sorted gifts, started dishes, cleaned off my table, set out and lit candles, planned my week, talked to my sister, and have pulled out the ingredients to bake today. All this has been done before 9:00. On a day i could have slept in.

Why is it, when i give myself time, i feel the need to take control of my house and make it "perfect" in my eyes? Ok, i really do know why. It is because i want some control in my life. The house is the easiest thing to control right now. i can control how it looks, how clean it is, how decorated it is, and how warm it is. i can create a sense of control, by controlling my environment. It may be a false sense of control, but it is what i can actually do.

So for the rest of the day, i will be baking, dusting, vacuuming, laundry, dishes, making, and wrapping. All in the hopes of making myself feel like i am in control of something.

Oh yeah....and it is SNOWING again!!!!!!!

It is now 6:45 in the evening. i have not gotten much done. i made spaghetti for lunch. i made pork roast with potatoes and carrots and onions for dinner. i have done the dishes. i have even put the dishes away. i have had a nap. OH....i did fix the speakers on my computer. Now i can blast Yule/Christmas music while i do wrapping or baking or whatever. i don't know what else to do. Sure i have a list of stuff. i have baking i could do. i have stuff to take into the basement. i have stuff to bring up from the basement. None of which i really want to do. i guess i can have today as a lazy day.

A crying place

Today was therapy day. Yay!

Today i cried. Today i weaped. Today i put voice to the fact that i just want to curl up and die. Yeah, die. Then again, i have to many responsibilities. So, no dying for me. Instead i am going to curl up and stop functioning. At least for a little while.

Everything came down to me being frustrated about being responsible and about me being tired of actually functioning all the time. Today was about feeling out of control of what is happening around me. The MIT. D. Friends in need. Friends lost to opinions. Changes.

my therapist wants me there again next week. She knows, and i know, it is a safe place to voice all these things. It is safer than not being able to go outside. It is safer than all the panic attacks i have been dealing with. It is a place i can cry and weep and not worry about how i am perceived.

i will be there next week. i will let stuff out again. Then i will hide from functioning for a little while.

So much for plans...

That is why my favourite saying is "if you want to make God laugh, make plans". It was no one's fault but my own.

i had decided, and written down, that yesterday i would go to Fortinos, M&M's, Staples, White Flame, and Food Basics. Yeah, ok. That was tossed out when i realized i couldn't leave the house again. The panic attack was back. No idea why. i had been doing well the last couple of days. i tried. i even went to get my mail, and ended back in the house hyperventilating. So, i called my Mom and she took me to Fortinos. At least that got done. Later, when i knew lots of people wouldn't be around, i headed to White Flame (it was closed) and Staples. i wore my iPod and everything. i was able to cross Staples off the list. Yay me.

So today, i had been prepared to bake cookies and go to White Flame. Instead, i slept. i slept until i got a phone call asking for my help. i slept soundly until that point. Once i was asked, i said of course, thinking it wouldn't be a problem for me. i was wrong. i ended up needing to take adivan. Again, the thought of leaving the house was too much, but help was needed and i was the closest person for the job, so i took the yucky med, and off i went.

i am glad i did go. Where i went, was quiet. Where i went, there was love. Where i went, there was a sense of peace. i ended up going back later. i spent another 2 1/2 hours there. Sitting in the quiet and the dark. i helped put out a fire in her mind. i watched her, and i listened to her when she would talk. i listened to a snore for the first time in forever. Then i came home, where i now sit, and listen to His breath. Sitting in the dark and quiet. i watch Him and i listen for Him.

One is dying quicker than the other. Either way, it is both calming and scary to listen and watch them. Waiting for the seizure to happen. The one they will both get. The one that shows their life is shortening. The one that means life changes forever.