Birthday weekend

Today is my full day off. i slept in (waking at 9:30). i have breakfast without anyone bothering me. i made and had a good, healthy lunch. i have done the dishes. i have finished knitting another ball of wool into my afghan. i am relaxing the only ways i know how.

The MIT will be here soon. i will help Him get changed into His uniform. i will send Him off to do His best and hope He is able to earn His brown belt. i am very proud of Him.

Today is also L's birthday. Part of me wants to send her a card, and wish her good wishes. i wanted to do the same on D's birthday. i just can't bring myself to do it. A friendship with them is not something i want to pursue, but they are still important in the MIT's mind. He knows it is her birthday. He asked if i was going to send her a card, just like when D's birthday came up. i can honestly say the hate is gone. The hurt is still raw. So no, i won't be sending a card to her today. Just like what happened on D's birthday. It is better that way. i know i am not someone they want to hear from, and i am still to hurt by what happened to put it all behind me.

Today is a just me day. A day to do what i want, need and enjoy. (plus wish i had a smoke, but not going to go and get any or smoke any. Week 5 starts Wednesday)

MIT's birthday

Well, yesterday was officially the MIT's birthday. It started out good, but went down hill from there. See, birthdays mean change. Change and the MIT don't get along. He like routine and predictability. Changing ages is a change. Having a special day, like a birthday is a change in routine. The other problem, is He just turned 16. Usually that means the prospect of a driver's license. Not for the MIT, and He knows it. So really, this birthday is more a let down for Him, than a celebration. So keeping all that in mind, you can predict some of what happened.

First was His waking up to me singing. He didn't like that. Then there was my Sis showing up singing to Him. We kept the rest of His routine normal. No point upsetting the basket anymore than it had to be. He came home in a mood though.

He was mad that everyone said "happy birthday" to Him. He was mad that His EA's wrote "happy birthday" in His communication book. He was mad it was His birthday. He was mad that things weren't normal. He didn't want dinner. He didn't eat all His lunch. He didn't want to sit in the living room. He did what He is allowed to do, when He is upset. He went to His room and watched some of His new movies and calmed down.

While He was doing that, i kept up my end of His birthday celebration. i ordered in Swiss Chalet. i made sure He knew i was doing so. i let Him take His time in calming down. i ate dinner alone after asking Him if that was ok. i made sure there was dinner for Him when He was ready.

It took until 6:30 before He emerged from His room. He came and cuddled with me and we got to talking about what was happening at that time 16 years ago. We talked about how long it took me to go into labour. We talked about when i was rushed into surgery. We talked about how He didn't want to be born and they had to pull Him out of me. He really liked hearing that. We called my parents to find out, from them, what they were doing at that time. He got to hear all about that day 16 years ago. We even looked threw His baby book together. At 7:20, we were watching Charmed, and He saw His watch and said "I am born now". It was really cute.

This morning was much better. This morning was back to His normal. No surprises. No changes. Same old, same old. He likes that much better.

i am just glad He made it to 16. Hopefully we have a few more birthdays left.

38 and more

i am now 38 years old. Well, officially i turned 38 yesterday. i had a good birthday.

Sunday was the family get together. i got all the seasons of Charmed. i got money. i got a necklace. i got an Eeyore with a star, and another Eeyore mug. The mug and little stuffed Eeyore were from the MIT. my Mom said He picked it out all by Himself. The money was good. It was enough for the MIT and i to go out to dinner last night. Charmed, well, the MIT and i are back to watching it again, every chance we get.

Yesterday was the dinner with the MIT at the Mandarin. He didn't eat much. He only had a bowl of soup and 2 special drinks. One red (strawberry freeze) and one green (lemon and lime freeze). i, of course, ate from the buffet. Luckily i read everything before picking it to add to my plate. They had a dish called cashew shrimp. Nope, didn't have any. Didn't even have the either of the dishes beside it. i just couldn't take the chance.

Today is the anniversary of when Mike was diagnosed with lung cancer. It is weird how much i missed Him yesterday. i kept expecting a card, or for Him to show up with flowers. i went with how bad i was missing Him, and you know what? i am ok today. i am not depressed. i am not in a hiding mood. i am ok.

Tomorrow i take the MIT to His therapist. The doctor has made a referral to a psychiatrist. His depressing has been suppressed all these years, but it is still there, and time to make something happen.

Thursday is therapy day. It is also a meeting at the school day. i will be able to fit them both in. That isn't the problem. Actually i can't think of a problem with it. It will be nice to talk to Sandy after the meeting. A way of getting my frustrations out without turning them towards anyone, or anything. Then again, getting mad does help with the house cleaning.

Thursday night i am going to the Hamilton Mixer. i haven't been there in ages. i was scared of going because of who i might run into (L&A). i am not scared anymore. They can't hurt me more than Mike's death did. They are nothings.

Saturday i am going to Endorphins. Yes i am actually going to a party. Again, i haven't been there in ages. i just have no idea what to wear. i feel like going out and buying something new. i won't. i will wear something i like. i know i will probably get a bit of a spanking from one person. We will see how that goes. Apparently i owe her LOL. Or is it that she owes me. Either way, i will be making the most of the night.

Ok, off to get some actual sleep. The MIT had a noisy night.

Today, and tomorrow

Today it is 4 years since i started to journal/blog online. i haven't moved most of my posts from my old blog yet. i don't know if i will. i started blogging on blogger, to hide from people after Mike's death. i didn't want them to follow me. i have stopped hiding. i have shown where my blog is, if people are really interested in finding it. i am not hiding this blog. i am living it.

Today is the celebration of my upcoming birthday with my family. Today at 3:00, i will be at my parent's house, opening presents, eating cake (no chocolate), thanking my parents, my Nana, my son, and my Sis. Today i will be eating sweet and sour meatballs with rice.

Today is the last day of my alone weekend. Today i pickup the MIT and we are back to normal. Today i have caught up on all my sleep. Today i feel better than i did in the past week. Today i have figured out that the loss of Leslie doesn't change how i look at the MIT. i still see Him as a success. i still see Him as talented. i still see all His accomplishments. i will continue to see Him accomplish many things. He is growing up, and i will continue to enjoy that. i will also enjoy each moment in His life, so that when He dies, i will have happy, pleasant, and pride-filled memories.

Tomorrow is my actual birthday. The MIT and i were going to go out for dinner. That isn't going to happen. i have $40 to my name, need to buy gas, need to get some groceries and probably some smoke. The $40 has to last me until the 20th. Like that is going to happen. But it must, so no special dinner for just the MIT and i on my actual birthday. i will be turning 38.

Tomorrow the MIT is back at school, and i can get more sleep. Tomorrow life gets back to our old routine. Tomorrow my "normal" returns.

My Birthday

i am feeling centered, like my old self.
i am feeling content.
i am feeling pain, but the good kind.
i am feeling like a spoiled child, in a good way.
i am feeling loved.
i am feeling like i am home in my own skin again.

Yesterday was such a good day. Those that i love, and that love me treated me very special. i was pampered. i was tormented. i was made to sing. i still have the Piano Man in my head. The little girl in me was spoiled with a visit to Build-A-Bear. i was spoiled with a Barbie, a My Little Pony, jelly beans, and an Eeyore pez dispenser. i got beaten and bruised.

i had the best ever birthday.

And yes, i am begrudging not being older. Although getting 222 "spanks" with canes, and a rubber paddle wasn't so bad.

37 years old

Yes, today is my birthday. Today i am 37. At least i am not 40. i know that in 3 years i will be, but for right now, i'm not.

i spent a nice quiet night last night. i watched 2 movies, and had Chinese food. It was great. The snow was blowing. i was quiet and comfy in my robe and just plain vegged out and watched movies. E was right, Timeline was great.

Today is the day i was to make no plans. So that is what i am doing. i am fiddling around the house, tidying here and there, but not really doing much. i know i am getting company from good friends, i just don't know when or what to expect. It is a nice mind set. One i haven't had in a while. Knowing that other people are planning stuff, and i am totally in the dark. Who says i can't handle surprises. i guess i am learning too. i think it is that whole go-with-the-flow thing. i am enjoying it.

So, for the girl that has no plans, i am going to head back to my relaxing bed, and nap for a while, because i can. When i wake up? i have no idea what i will do. Probably have a shower. Not sure if i am going to get out of my comfy robe or not yet. Maybe watch another movie. Just go with the flow of the day.

Happy Birthday to me!!!!

Stewing and Birthday wishes

i am still very angry at Mike. i had held on so long, even during our relationship, that He never treated me as an extra. Coming to that realization is making me feel very angry. Well, angry and guilty and stupid. Angry because i was an extra to Him. Angry because i deserve to be treated more than an extra. Angry because i still feel like an extra. Guilty because He is dead and can't defend His actions, and make me feel better about this. Guilty because i am angry at a dead man. Stupid because i never saw it before. No that isn't true. i remember saying it to Him before. Stupid because i needed to believe Him when He told me i was wrong. Stupid because i wasn't wrong. Stupid because i am angry at a dead man.

So, i am putting that aside for a moment right now. i need something else to think about. i have been thinking about what i want for my birthday. So, here is my list

1. a flip phone, instead of the box thingy i have right now for my cell.
2. a book by Laurell K. Hamilton called Danse Macabre.
3. a good spanking, caning, whipping, cutting, pain filled time.
4. the reclining chair i want so badly for my reflexology quest.
5. to be fisted
6. a one day cleaning lady (or team) to come in and clean this house from top to bottom, so i have a starting point to continue (this would include dusting and vacuuming and washing floors, and cleaning windows).
7. all the previous seasons of 24.
8. to be given oral sex, for longer than 3 minutes (not one of Mike's favourite activities as a Top)
9. my friends all over for a good time on a Saturday night (hopefully being able to deal with number 3).
10. the excess hair on my body removed, a facial, a real pedicure and manicure, a back treatment (basically a day of being pampered)

Those are the things i want for my birthday. That is how i want to be treated for my birthday. This would be a dream birthday for me. God the idea of actually having marks on my body while i attend the "party" at my parent's place the next day is filling me. i haven't had a good "workout" since last year, and that was because i requested it. The first "workout" i got for a birthday present that i didn't ask for was during the first DSSG Beginner's workshop, that actually was held on my birthday in 2001. Also the one a few years before that, when 2 special people gave me a private party. Other than those, including the 6 birthdays i had with Mike in my life, i don't really remember any special energy put into what would happen on my birthday.

Why did i accept so much less from Mike than what i gave Him. i would plan to take Him to Bingo (a favourite of His) even though i didn't like it. i would make Him a special meal. i would put thought into His gifts. Then again, i am so mad at Him, that i can't seem to remember that kind of stuff right now. i seem to be only able to think of the bad stuff at the moment.