Tonight, I had to go to the ER. I spiked a fever today, and ended up ignoring TJ and slept most of the day. When I was finally ok enough to get up and moving, I fed TJ and myself, called the doctor on call, and then headed to the hospital.
The cyst I had (my second in 2 weeks and third in 2 months) turned into an abses. Yuck. Yuck and painful. I wasn't at the hospital too long, and they took good care of me. Considering how nervous I am about tomorrow, I think my body gave me something to worry about instead of the morning.
Tomorrow is my first group DBT session. The fist one out of 52. I am really really scared. OK, scared is not the right answer. Nervous. Very nervous. I have no idea what to expect. I know there will be a mindfulness exercise first. I know how to "act" with that. It is the rest of the stuff I am nervous about. The new people. How many people.
With the pain distracting me, I think I will have enough to keep my mind more calm tomorrow.
I have also started reading my Wicca books again. I know parts of the therapy include beliefs in a "higher power" and it is time I get back in touch with mine. So, reading, and walking barefoot in my backyard, at any time in the day, are my starter points.
Time to go to bed so I am up to my best, as much of my best I can be,
Showing posts with label paganism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label paganism. Show all posts
Monday, August 30, 2010
Sunday, August 08, 2010
A change in this journal
3 things are going to be changing in this journal.
1st - This is now a journal about my "normal" relationship, family, friends, and how the three are meeting each other and how my life is becoming more full.
2nd - More Pagan / Wicca enteries. More about my beliefs and how I express them. More pictures of my altar and my gardens.
3rd - My new therapy. A lot of entries about DBT will be coming up as I change therapists and learn new ways of dealing with my stressors and such.
I hope that those who already follow my thoughts, continue to. I also hope that others will join in reading about my life, my beliefs and my experiences.
Welcome to Ljouney's Travels, the continuing saga of my life.
1st - This is now a journal about my "normal" relationship, family, friends, and how the three are meeting each other and how my life is becoming more full.
2nd - More Pagan / Wicca enteries. More about my beliefs and how I express them. More pictures of my altar and my gardens.
3rd - My new therapy. A lot of entries about DBT will be coming up as I change therapists and learn new ways of dealing with my stressors and such.
I hope that those who already follow my thoughts, continue to. I also hope that others will join in reading about my life, my beliefs and my experiences.
Welcome to Ljouney's Travels, the continuing saga of my life.
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
Starting the year off
i am taking a page from L's book. i am starting to write in a Book of Shadows again. i am using the book the MIT gave Mike in 2003. Mike never used it. It is blank, except for the page that the MIT wrote on.
i have already written in the Wiccan Creed. Next i am writing in the Pagan Creed. i am going to write in this year's Samhain "rituals". i am going to make little notes and things as they happen.
i contacted H to see if He had made the BOS we had talked about back in April of last year. The one using the leather from M. He wasn't home, but i talked to J and found out a lot of interesting stuff.
This year's Samhain brought back memories i want to keep. It brought up thoughts of the future. i need to make a connection to both.
Thank You L for being an inspiration, and letting me see it isn't such a bad thing to get started again.
i have already written in the Wiccan Creed. Next i am writing in the Pagan Creed. i am going to write in this year's Samhain "rituals". i am going to make little notes and things as they happen.
i contacted H to see if He had made the BOS we had talked about back in April of last year. The one using the leather from M. He wasn't home, but i talked to J and found out a lot of interesting stuff.
This year's Samhain brought back memories i want to keep. It brought up thoughts of the future. i need to make a connection to both.
Thank You L for being an inspiration, and letting me see it isn't such a bad thing to get started again.
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Looking forward
Imbolc Altar Yesterday was Imbolc. i celebrated in my own unique style. i didn't start until after noon. i gathered white candles, and instead of having them in a circle on my altar, i put them all over the house. Sort of using my house as the altar. Sure i had the lt. green Goddes candle, and the lt. yellow God candle, the cauldron, the "right" crystals, the white flowers, and vanilla and cinnamon incense. i even had the "bon fire" set up in my bbq. i even served chicken with new herbed potatoes, and served pound cake with custard. (i don't have any pictures of the meal or fire. The MIT wouldn't let me take any)
Now, i look at Imbolc as the day for making resolutions and making wishes, instead of the "traditional" New Years. So here is what i am looking forward to doing as i look forward to the rest of the year.
- Getting a bird feeder, and keeping it filled year round. (i need to pick a great place, so my patio doesn't get all poopy, but so i can see the birds, especially during the winter, from my window.)
- Asking for more kitchen supplies to further my cooking crusade. (my birthday wish list shows just that)
- Promising myself to watch how my body feels when i eat properly, and laying off the ordering in (cheaper in the long run), and the eating of heavy or junk food snacks. (Yes i feel different when i do not eat the junk food or order in as much. i actually feel, normal.)
- Picking a quit date, and following through. (i know i need to quit smoking, and i am not enjoying it as much as i used to. It is a good time to do it, especially since i have friends doing the same thing. i will be consulting my doctor about this.)
- Knitting again. Blankets, pillows, scarves, hats, and even socks. (Knitting has helped me keep my hands busy when i have quit in the past. It is time to get back on it.)
- Not go looking for the love of a lover. (i have lots of love in my life. Sure a companion would be nice, but i am not going to settle for just anyone. i am not ready to go looking, and i am not ready to have a "special someone" in my life just yet.)
- Keep each Sabbath in my own way, honouring how i feel, and letting the MIT experience the two different "styles" of faith. (The MIT is Anglican)
i am picking Ash Wednesday, as my quit day. It holds significance to my son's faith, and seems like a good time to start. It will also allow me time to move away from such habits as smoking while on the computer, and changing where i smoke. This will give me a head start on quiting. This is something important to me. i have been holding on to this addiction for far too long.
So here is to the nurturing of promises, wishes, and fresh starts.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Beltaine and May
Tonight is Beltane. Tomorrow is May. i can't wrap my head around celebrating the coming of May, especially with it being focusing on fertility. i just can't go there.
It will be two years ago that Mike passed, on the 17th. i am missing Him a lot right now. i can tell you what happened on this night 2 years ago. i can tell you what was going on each day in May, including the day He died, and the day after He died. After that, things are a blur.
i thought i could handle May better this month. i thought May wouldn't be so hard. Instead i am sitting here, dreading the beginning of May. Crying my eyes out because He still isn't here. i just feel so lonely without Him.
It will be two years ago that Mike passed, on the 17th. i am missing Him a lot right now. i can tell you what happened on this night 2 years ago. i can tell you what was going on each day in May, including the day He died, and the day after He died. After that, things are a blur.
i thought i could handle May better this month. i thought May wouldn't be so hard. Instead i am sitting here, dreading the beginning of May. Crying my eyes out because He still isn't here. i just feel so lonely without Him.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Mixing faiths
On Saturday, i celebrated Imbolc. Also known as Candlemas. i really enjoyed it. i enjoyed setting out the candles to burn all night in my windows, leaving an offering to Bridget (sp), preparing my little altar on Imbolc eve. i really enjoyed taking down my yule wreaths and burning them, lighting the circle of candles on my altar, making goals for the coming year and empowering the candles with the goals and energy to reach them. The most fun i had was walking around in the snow without shoes on, and freezing my son's nurse with having all the doors and windows open for an hour.
Today is Pancake Tuesday. This is one of my Son's celebrations. i have decided this year to be more involved with His traditions, as well as mine. So in that spirit, we are going to pancake dinner at the church i grew up in, and He calls home. Wednesday is Ash Wednesday, and i may even join Him in that. i am actually going to give up some stuff for lent, just as He is. We are going to decide tonight what we are giving up / sacrificing for the next 40 days until Easter (Sundays don't count. Do the math)
You might be asking yourself, how can a woman, that is a solitary practioner, support her Son's need for Christianity. It is easy. It is all about faith. The fact that we both have faith is the main thing. The fact that we practice different "celebrations" and a few phylosophies is of no consiquence. He has always known that i support His, and He is starting to support mine, even if He doesn't quite understand them.
On top of all this, i have other things to "report". He is finally back at school. After 1 week of being off sick, then 2 weeks for exams, and 1 day for a snow day, He is finally back at school. i do have some work to do on the school front, as they have taken Him out of one class, and put Him into gym. Plus, gym is early in the day. This is a forcast for many days of loss of muscle tone for the rest of the school day, and little being accomplished. If gym was even moved to the end of school, the last period, i could handle that. At least then, he would be able to participate in His other classes.
One other good thing. i won a bet and got a one hour massaage. Damn it felt good. It felt nice having someone's hands on me again, even if it was because of a bet. The massage oil we used was a peppermint and eucoliptus blend. It sure drained out the sinuses. It was a nice way to spend an hour yesterday morning.
Today is Pancake Tuesday. This is one of my Son's celebrations. i have decided this year to be more involved with His traditions, as well as mine. So in that spirit, we are going to pancake dinner at the church i grew up in, and He calls home. Wednesday is Ash Wednesday, and i may even join Him in that. i am actually going to give up some stuff for lent, just as He is. We are going to decide tonight what we are giving up / sacrificing for the next 40 days until Easter (Sundays don't count. Do the math)
You might be asking yourself, how can a woman, that is a solitary practioner, support her Son's need for Christianity. It is easy. It is all about faith. The fact that we both have faith is the main thing. The fact that we practice different "celebrations" and a few phylosophies is of no consiquence. He has always known that i support His, and He is starting to support mine, even if He doesn't quite understand them.
On top of all this, i have other things to "report". He is finally back at school. After 1 week of being off sick, then 2 weeks for exams, and 1 day for a snow day, He is finally back at school. i do have some work to do on the school front, as they have taken Him out of one class, and put Him into gym. Plus, gym is early in the day. This is a forcast for many days of loss of muscle tone for the rest of the school day, and little being accomplished. If gym was even moved to the end of school, the last period, i could handle that. At least then, he would be able to participate in His other classes.
One other good thing. i won a bet and got a one hour massaage. Damn it felt good. It felt nice having someone's hands on me again, even if it was because of a bet. The massage oil we used was a peppermint and eucoliptus blend. It sure drained out the sinuses. It was a nice way to spend an hour yesterday morning.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
It is almost Christmas
So a bit of a catch-up in regards to the depression issue. The doctor and therapist have decided to put me back on Trazedone. I had been taken off it back in October. They are figuring that it was doing more good than we had originally thought. I had been taken off it, in the hopes of changing my nighttime meds. So back on it i go.
Yes i am still having all those nasty thoughts, but i am keeping my word. i talked about it openly with both the doctor and therapist. All of it. The plans, the homicidal and suicidal thoughts. i was confused and scared that i would be punished (having the MIT taken away, and being put in hospital) for doing what i am supposed to do. i am supposed to open up about my feelings. i am suppose to tell the professionals that can help me, when i am feeling that dark. They both concurred that i did the right thing. i am not going to be punished for it. They are keeping me on a short leash, and seeing me often, but are letting me work on feeling what i feel without fear of punishment. They are trusting me at my word. They are trusting that i will keep my promise.
As far as the reflexology goes, i have completed all 70 procedures. i have everything completed in order to take my exam on the 27th. i am excited about this. my Mom has been very helpful in getting her friends to be my clients. i have decided that all those that let me practice on them, and that volunteered for me, will be rewarded once i get my certificate. It is the least i can do to thank them all for being my guinea pigs.
Yule was very quiet. Just me for most of the night. The MIT joining me after He had finished karate. It was a quiet night. my tree and candles lighting the house. Wreathes on both doors. my altar decorated with crystals, candles, pine cones, pieces of my tree in the vase. i didn't do any big thing. Just something quiet for myself. i had french onion soup, home made buns, and some ham and potatoes, carrots, and beans. A nice quiet night where i remembered Mike, and how that would have been the night we exchanged gifts. i even got Him something, and put it in His drawer. i called my friends, and wished them happy Yule. It was nice.
Two more sleeps until Christmas. i have all my shopping done. i have wrapping to do. i will be doing that today. Today i will also be driving my new van down to my Nana's. She hasn't seen it yet. Plus, we are having a trifle day at her house. i don't think the MIT will be happy that i am there, but no biggy. i am there for me, and not for Him. By doing the reflexology on her every week, we have become closer lately. i am really enjoying that. Other than that, i refuse to go anywhere near a store. i am so done with the crowds and stuff. On Monday i will be going to E's place for her open house. The MIT will be coming with me, and i will also get to show off my new van there. The MIT is actually looking forward to it. He is actually excited about Christmas this year. It is nice to see.
Well, that is about it. That is my update. i hope everyone has a happy holiday. i don't know when i will be posting again. Soon, but not too soon. Wish me luck on my exam!
Yes i am still having all those nasty thoughts, but i am keeping my word. i talked about it openly with both the doctor and therapist. All of it. The plans, the homicidal and suicidal thoughts. i was confused and scared that i would be punished (having the MIT taken away, and being put in hospital) for doing what i am supposed to do. i am supposed to open up about my feelings. i am suppose to tell the professionals that can help me, when i am feeling that dark. They both concurred that i did the right thing. i am not going to be punished for it. They are keeping me on a short leash, and seeing me often, but are letting me work on feeling what i feel without fear of punishment. They are trusting me at my word. They are trusting that i will keep my promise.
As far as the reflexology goes, i have completed all 70 procedures. i have everything completed in order to take my exam on the 27th. i am excited about this. my Mom has been very helpful in getting her friends to be my clients. i have decided that all those that let me practice on them, and that volunteered for me, will be rewarded once i get my certificate. It is the least i can do to thank them all for being my guinea pigs.
Yule was very quiet. Just me for most of the night. The MIT joining me after He had finished karate. It was a quiet night. my tree and candles lighting the house. Wreathes on both doors. my altar decorated with crystals, candles, pine cones, pieces of my tree in the vase. i didn't do any big thing. Just something quiet for myself. i had french onion soup, home made buns, and some ham and potatoes, carrots, and beans. A nice quiet night where i remembered Mike, and how that would have been the night we exchanged gifts. i even got Him something, and put it in His drawer. i called my friends, and wished them happy Yule. It was nice.
Two more sleeps until Christmas. i have all my shopping done. i have wrapping to do. i will be doing that today. Today i will also be driving my new van down to my Nana's. She hasn't seen it yet. Plus, we are having a trifle day at her house. i don't think the MIT will be happy that i am there, but no biggy. i am there for me, and not for Him. By doing the reflexology on her every week, we have become closer lately. i am really enjoying that. Other than that, i refuse to go anywhere near a store. i am so done with the crowds and stuff. On Monday i will be going to E's place for her open house. The MIT will be coming with me, and i will also get to show off my new van there. The MIT is actually looking forward to it. He is actually excited about Christmas this year. It is nice to see.
Well, that is about it. That is my update. i hope everyone has a happy holiday. i don't know when i will be posting again. Soon, but not too soon. Wish me luck on my exam!
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Happy Samhain, Happy Halloween
The MIT is home. He has been home since Sunday night. He has yet to have a good night sleep, but i am determined to send Him to school today. He needs to get back into His routine. i am so happy He is home. We have had a good couple of days of doing very little, napping during the day, and trying to figure out how to feed Him on an Australian schedule. i did get presents. i got sand from 2 beaches. i got lots of pictures. i got an Australian jacket. i think that is it.
Tonight we were supposed to go to Toronto to celebrate Samhain and Halloween. The MIT is still off, and with this being His first day back at school, i don't think either He or i could handle going out of town. He is already feeling anxious with the idea of going back to school, and i don't want to add in more anxiety for Him. Instead, He and i will be handing out candy to any kids that come to our door.
i need to figure out what i am going to dress as. i am thinking little red riding hood, with a twist. i haven't worn that outfit in a long time, and i think i want to again. On top of that, i want to do a Samhain ritual. i need to set up my alter, and get some apples to bury, and some sage to cleanse the house, and some pictures of Mike and Papa for the alter.
Well, that is all for today. After the MIT leaves for school, i am going to lie down in bed, and then head to the store for candy, apples, and other things for my alter, and the day.
Happy Halloween, and happy Samhain everyone
Tonight we were supposed to go to Toronto to celebrate Samhain and Halloween. The MIT is still off, and with this being His first day back at school, i don't think either He or i could handle going out of town. He is already feeling anxious with the idea of going back to school, and i don't want to add in more anxiety for Him. Instead, He and i will be handing out candy to any kids that come to our door.
i need to figure out what i am going to dress as. i am thinking little red riding hood, with a twist. i haven't worn that outfit in a long time, and i think i want to again. On top of that, i want to do a Samhain ritual. i need to set up my alter, and get some apples to bury, and some sage to cleanse the house, and some pictures of Mike and Papa for the alter.
Well, that is all for today. After the MIT leaves for school, i am going to lie down in bed, and then head to the store for candy, apples, and other things for my alter, and the day.
Happy Halloween, and happy Samhain everyone
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
4 more sleeps, and getting something back
The MIT is getting more and more excited. It is nice seeing Him get so excited about the trip. It is also nice to have Him being so cuddly right now. Every chance He gets, He snuggles up to me and lets me just hold Him.
Over the last little while, i have been getting back to being a solitary practitioner. i had moved away from it a bit. In May, on the anniversary of Mike's death, i did do a ritual, but since then, i really haven't been furthering practicing my beliefs. Lately, i have slowly been getting back to it. i have been making sure to stand outside in the sun in the morning. i have been basking in the glow of the moon (even when i can't see it). i have set up a little meditation space. i even stood outside last night, in the rain, naked, and felt my worries wash off me, as the cool wind and warm rain rolled over my skin. It feels right getting back into practicing. It feels right doing the little things to celebrate the earth around me. i am finding strength in it.
Today is my Mid-term exam and i am exhausted. Time to head back to bed for a nap, so i am fully able to function at 11:30. Wake-up at 10:30, get a shower and prepare my bag and files. i am not worried about the exam. Making mistakes, and being shown how to fix them is the purpose of this "exam".
And right now, today, everything feels right.
Over the last little while, i have been getting back to being a solitary practitioner. i had moved away from it a bit. In May, on the anniversary of Mike's death, i did do a ritual, but since then, i really haven't been furthering practicing my beliefs. Lately, i have slowly been getting back to it. i have been making sure to stand outside in the sun in the morning. i have been basking in the glow of the moon (even when i can't see it). i have set up a little meditation space. i even stood outside last night, in the rain, naked, and felt my worries wash off me, as the cool wind and warm rain rolled over my skin. It feels right getting back into practicing. It feels right doing the little things to celebrate the earth around me. i am finding strength in it.
Today is my Mid-term exam and i am exhausted. Time to head back to bed for a nap, so i am fully able to function at 11:30. Wake-up at 10:30, get a shower and prepare my bag and files. i am not worried about the exam. Making mistakes, and being shown how to fix them is the purpose of this "exam".
And right now, today, everything feels right.