December 1st and hoping for a better time than last year.

Last year, I started getting the symptoms, of what turned out to be, Conversion Disorder.  The stress was so much, that my brain told my body to stop  working properly.  My brain wanted me to pay attention to the fact that I was stressed, and had reached my breaking point, without me going completely insane. 

This year, things are different.  This year I am in special therapy.  This year, my family knows better.  This year, I have a coping plan.  This year, I actually feel relaxed about everything.  This year, I am looking forward, and not backwards.

I am "dating" more.  I am actually putting myself out there, to others.  I am opening up about how I feel and not just trying to block it all.  I am meditating more.  I am "in the moment" more.  I am just more.  I like it.

Sure finances suck.  Sure I have to cut back on who I can give gifts to, and how much I can spend.  Sure I could use more help around the house.  Really, none of these things are anything to loose my head over. 

Today I am decorating my house for the season.  My altar is all green and ready.  I want to go out and get holly and mistletoe sprigs.  I want to go and get my wreaths for my doors.  I am ready to decorate limes, lemons, and oranges.  I just want to enjoy this season, and just be one with it. 

Today I am smiling

What is going on

i know i haven't written here in a long time. i have been away from the computer. i have been ignoring it. i haven't had the energy or need to be here. i have had a lot of things going on.


The MIT is doing good, but not. His balance is way off. He had 6 days in a row of lost muscle tone and cluster seizures. He is better now. It all happened after Christmas, but before and during New Years. He is scheduled for a day video EEG on Thursday. Hopefully the EEG will show what kind of seizures He is having, if He is having any that day. At least the last 2 days He has walked off the bus. That is progress.

He is also maturing. He had an issue with a teacher on Monday, and He came home telling me to call His resource teacher. He knew something wasn't right about the situation, and He was correct. His resource teacher is wonderful and helped Him out the next day with active solutions to what He could do next time.

Monday is the anniversary of D's death. i don't know how i actually feel about that. i am going through the same sort of memories i hold about Mike's death. Remembering what happened this day last year. What i wish i could change about last year. The guilt of not going to see her on the 9th last year. i know for E it is more difficult. i know she is trying to not set herself up for feeling anything, and maybe ignoring the whole thing, but i also know how unrealistic that is. i will be there for her. If she needs me, she will call. i will call her this weekend and check in with her. Monday, i may be no use to her. i am going to be a little busy.

Now me. Around the 5th of Dec, part of my leg went numb. Shortly after that, part of my arm went numb. Later i stubbed my toe to the point of bleeding, and i didn't feel it. Now, most of my leg and vulva are numb. At Christmas i lost some hearing . Then i lost some sight. All on my left side. i have bouts of incontinence, and not just the liquid kind. All of this adds up to me getting to see a neurologist on Monday. i haven't looked up all this stuff on the internet. i have pushed it away during the "holidays". Now, it is full in my face. There are other things. Stuff i haven't told anyone until now.


Typing is hard. i can't feel the keys with all my fingers. Spelling is hard. Not just typos. Words i know how to spell, being spelled wrong, and nothing i can do about it, but go back and retype and spell it wrong again. It usually takes me 3-4 times to type the word write. Plus it happens when i am just plain writing on paper. It is hard for me to sometimes make the words look right.

Speaking is frustrating. i can hear myself pronounce words wrong, and using the wrong word. In my brain, it isn't wrong. i only really know it is wrong when i see the look on some one's face, or they ask me what i mean. Even the MIT is correcting me.

i can't drive. i have no peripheral vision on my right side. i am scared to drive. What if something else happens. (case in point, i cut my finger on my right hand and didn't feel it when it happened) i walk into walls when i turn a corner because i didn't see where i was in relationship to the wall.

i am scared. Very very scared. Monday i will have to explain everything that is going on with my body. Monday i will have to face a neurologist about me. Monday i am worried i will be told it is nothing. Monday i am worried i will be told it is something serious. Right now, there is no "in between" for me. i can only see the answers from the doctor being all or nothing.

i am just plain scared.

Here, but not here

i know i have been sounding kind of chipper lately, and i am, in a way. i am also not wanting to isolate myself. i am not wanting to hide under my rock. i am just not in the mood for certain things right now.

Sitting at the computer playing games just isn't in my blood right now. i just don't feel the pull to it. Sitting on the couch, and reading the paper, or sitting on my bed and colouring, those are things i want to do. Going for a drive and finding a nice place to walk around would be great.

Today my mind is on camping. It is Wednesday. i really want to go on Friday. i can't afford it though. It is very likely i won't be able to go. Instead i will just be home alone. No fire. No birds flying around me. No squirrels chasing each other around. No quiet skies full of stars. No sound of wood burning. No shivering as i sit around the fire. Damn i want to go really bad.

i haven't done my decorating yet. i fell more like sitting and doing nothing. Pouting about this weekend.

1st day of Dec.

Today i am going out with Sis to get some presents for people. She is my backup. She is the way i stay sane during this season. Part of the reason why i am doing the shopping now, is because i can't handle a lot of crowds.

Today is also the day i start to decorate the house. i still haven't pulled up the decorations, but i have the rest of the day to get it done. The bathroom is fun. The living room is a little stressful, but i have pictures from last year to help me remember where everything goes. Other than that, the kitchen is basic, as is the hallway. i want to hang lights outside, but i don't really know exactly what i want to do. i will have to think on it.

So i have a busy day today. Sis is going to be a good help.

The Season is Upon Us...

Well, starting tomorrow that is. Today is about paying bills and getting groceries, and figuring out when to get what gifts for each person on my list. Today is also about getting the "pre-tree" decorations up from the basement. Today is starting to write out holiday cards, and wait for the school to deliver the photos of the MIT. Tomorrow is when i start to decorate.

i decorate my desk, entertainment center, walls, kitchen, and even the bathroom. The only rooms i don't decorate are the bedrooms. There must always be a place for escape from the stress of the season.

i already have every one's gifts picked out. i just have to go and get them all. i know, i have to leave the house, and actually go into stores. Not my favourite activity, but one that must be done. Then hiding in my non-decorated room for a little.

This year, i am not baking. i refuse. i usually end up hurting myself if i bake. i don't want that to happen. Plus, i just don't need the added stress. i may decide later to bake a few cookies, but not likely.

This year is about being as less stressed. This year is about enjoying the (soon to come) snow. This year is about remembering last year and previous years. This year is about enjoying those i love and that love me.

And again

i am so relaxed and rejuvenated. i am at peace. i am enjoying the quiet and the dark, in my own home.

Yes, again i took myself camping. i was there for two nights this time. Godds it was great. Birds fluttering over birdseed. Squirrels chasing each other over nuggets of biscuits. Even raccoons coming right up to me at 8pm, not scared of me at all (i was scared of those spooky guys though). Again, i did nothing. No reading. No colouring. No going for long walks. i did go for a short walk and collected pine cones, but that was it.

i talked to the animals. i talked to My Baby Bear. Most of all, i sat, listened, and enjoyed the fire and being alone.

i have found the thing to do when the MIT is at Rygiel and i have no other plans.

i have also figured out what i am getting everyone on my gift list this year. i haven't gone out and gotten any of the stuff, but at least i know what it is i am getting and what it will cost me. That is a big worry out of my life. Holidays can be so stressful. i also know my schedule (most of it) for December. i know when Tree Day, Trifle day, Yule, Christmas, Last Day of School, and appointments are. i also know when some birthdays are and have figured out what those people get. i even know when i might be going camping again.

Shopping will be a breeze this year. Knowing when and how i am going to relax is calming.

i am actually excited this year.

Camping photos:

Finally over

i am happy to report that yesterday is over. i survived. i am still in the same mood as i was before it all started. Depressed. Wanting to hide. Tired. The doctor had increased one of my drugs, and it seems to be helping. Well, helping the panic attacks. It makes me more tired, and just more of the not caring. At least i was calm.

Eve - The MIT went to church with my Mom and Dad. He chose to dress up. He wore the red dress shirt that L&D had given Him last year. He chose to wear black pants (not green) and he chose to wear a Christmas tie. Once He left, i had to force myself into wrapping gifts. i just couldn't find it in me to actually want to do it. i had to do it. i needed to get it done. So i did. grudgingly. i put on a happy face, setting up the cookies, eggnog, and carrots for Santa's visit. (yes my 16 year old still believes. i am a lucky Mom). After the MIT went to bed, i actually wrapped and set-up under the tree, and hung the stockings with care. i finally made it to bed about 2am

Day - i do didn't want to do this. i put off the MIT about opening gifts. He had woken at 4, and i kept Him from hitting the living room until 6:00. We opened gifts together. i took pictures. He took pictures. He totally enjoyed the fact that Santa stole a hedgehog from me. He loved the fact that we found a carrot outside partially eaten. It was a good time. Santa out shone me on one gift. It was fun playing that up. The MIT left for church, dressed in His regular red and green. i was supposed to wrap 2 family gifts. i was supposed to start on the turkey. i had no aluminum wrap. No starting the turkey for me. i went back to sleep. i got a call from my Mom telling me to get up, and get moving on preparing the turkey and having a shower. Eventually i did just that. They all showed up at noon. Food, aluminum wrap, and presents all in toe. i wrapped up the turkey and put it in the oven, hoping 4 hours was good enough.

It was present time. i had Sis wrap Mom's gift, and also her own, since i just couldn't bring myself to do it. i got stuff. Sis got stuff. Dad got stuff. Mom got stuff. Nana and Auntie showed up, and more gifts were exchanged. Mom eventually sent me to bed once Nana, Auntie and Sis had to leave. i got to sleep for an hour. When i got up, the turkey was done. It literally fell apart when i moved it from the roasting pan to the plate. Wings, legs, and 1/2 the carcass fell off. i guess i did really good. From that point, Mom and Dad took over the dinner, and i got to just lie in front of the TV and relax. Overall, it was a good day. i survived. i made it. i lived through it. All good, i guess.

Boxing day - Today the MIT is already watching 2 new DVD's. i am sitting here typing on the computer with the NCIS marathon is on in the background. i get to go out with my Mom shopping, while the MIT and Dad get to spend quiet time together. i have adivan packed to deal with humans and Mom's driving. This is not going to be fun.

E just called. P is in the hospital. They don't know what is wrong with Him. He is out of emergency, and now in a room. K&B are here to help, and also because K is P's next of kin. An ultra sound is scheduled. That is a wait and see issue. E is going to call me later, to either talk, or as me to help out. i am on standby, and am happy with it. i help where i can, and do what i can, when she and He need me. i may be taking care of the kids. i may be driving E to the hospital to visit P. i may even be driving B back to TO. i am prepared to do whatever is needed.

i will also be spending as much time with D as i can. Without P, E can't get there. i will be taking that responsibility over. Not a problem for me. i can handle it. i will just be leaving the MIT home when i go over. i can't have Him going full blown at the hospice again.

So that is my recap. That is my plan, of sorts. That is how my life, which is intertwined with my friends' lives, will be going for the next little while. At least i have a purpose for now. Purpose keeps me here. Purpose and responsibility are the only things keeping me here.

Let's get it over with already!

It is the early morning of Christmas Eve. i am up and begrudging it. i really don't want to celebrate this year. i am not feeling it. All i am feeling is anxiety, tired, stress, depressed. i just want to curl up under the covers and hide. Yesterday was hell. i couldn't catch a break. i have found that if a wrench is thrown into my plans, i just can't handle it.

Here was the plan. First, i had to head out and go get my Sis some money to take the MIT to get his hair done. Then off to the doctor. After the doctor, i was going to head off the Walmart, then Fortinos, then Day/Night pharmacy. Home to get the newly blond MIT, wrap some gifts, and get a shower. Off to see D at the hospice, then to E&P's to drop off gifts. Head home again, and actually relax until it was time for my Mom to get the MIT for karate. Get some of His gifts wrapped, call M, La and baby girl and invite them over for either Christmas eve or Saturday. Tidy-up for when the nurse and MIT get here. Head off and get smokes. That was the plan. Here is what really happened.

i am up and ready to go. It is time to get moving. First stop, bank machine for my Sis. i get out and into the van, and it wouldn't start. i had to call CAA and get a jump. The estimated time of CAA coming was an hour. i had to be at the doctor's office for 9:30 (i thought). Let the panic attack begin. i needed that appointment. After making a bunch of calls, and still waiting for CAA, i realized my appointment was changed to 10. OK, i could breath. As long as CAA actually showed up before 9:45. Another save. CAA arrived just after 9. Ok, time to breath again. Van got a jump, and off i went to get my Sis money. Then off to the doctor.

When you are stressed, and having a panic attack (or trying not to have a panic attack), drivers that hug your bumper, drivers that can't make up their minds about where they are going, and drivers that like to go over the yellow line when turning, drive you nuts. Stress increasing. Nerves on edge. i was f**ked. i got to the doctor's office and was a mess. i couldn't sit still. i kept digging my nails into my bicep. i broke down and cried. The doctor just looked at me and listened to me and watched me fall to pieces. She even suggested she admit me to get my meds and emotions under control. Nope, i have to much to do over the next few days. So, i left the doctor's office, script for meds in hand, and headed off to my next stop.

Walmart on the day before the day before Christmas. What the hell was i thinking. i couldn't do it. i got one look at the parking lot, and tried to figure out how many people would be in there and just couldn't do it. Panic attack activate!!! (private joke) i didn't even stop. i drove out of the parking lot, and headed to the drug store. i knew i had to get my meds. i went to the pharmacy, and found a parking spot. i saw my Sis's car. Good, they were still busy. Dropped off my script and headed to the hair place.

Different people do hair different ways. L used to do the MIT's hair. That won't work now, so Sis took the MIT to Haircrafters. Yeah, no where close to the treatment He got from L. He was not a happy boy. Sis talked me down a bit, and i was able to get some stuff at the pharmacy from my "still to get" list, along with my pop, and some stocking stuffers. Took all that to the van, and then went back to get my meds. Headed home and waited for the MIT to return.

In my head, i wasn't done. i still wanted to get the rest of my list finished. i wanted (and felt like i needed) to go and visit D with the MIT, and then P&E's. So, once He arrived, that is what we planned to do. We wrapped gifts, and got out the house. Got to D's and spent only a few minutes with her, when the MIT lost His right side. We started to leave (didn't want to get stranded with the MIT going full blown at the hospice). We got to a set of chairs just before the kitchen, and had to stop. The MIT went full blown. We sat there. Waited. A Santa walked by. People looked and said "hello" to the MIT and me. One nurse asked if He was ok. Gave the "yes, this is normal for Him" response. Waited. i ended up calling my Dad to come and bring us the MIT's wheelchair so we could make it home before 4. The MIT didn't get any movement back until after 6. That blew the entire day away. By the time the nurse showed up, i was in no shape to head off for smokes. i just couldn't do it.

Yesterday was hell in my head. Today i feel like a failure. i feel even more stress because i have more piled on me today. my list of "To Do" has grown since i couldn't get done, what i wanted to yesterday. It is raining. i hate the rain. i would rather have snow. i want to just cancel everything. No family. No presents. No expectations. No stress. No full blown. No anxiety. i just want it all to be over.

But it can't be. Not yet. Today i have to (in no particular order) gift wrap, go to Walmart, get smokes, do dishes, clean the house, make cookies for Santa, send the MIT off with my Sis, find eggnog for Santa, vacuum, get gifts and cookies to P&E's, do laundry, shovel, and smile while i do it.

i am so ready to get this over with.

Weird mood

Yes it is weird mood day. i am both hyper and depressed. i am jumping out of my skin. i feel like i have stuff to do, but i don't want to do anything. Weird mood.

Yesterday was a snow day. A snows so much you are trapped in your house day. It was nice being able to stay home with the MIT. Not needing to go out. Not needing to open the door. Not needing to do anything but sit in the house, in front of the TV, watching holiday shows and basking in the glow from the decorated tree. i love snow days. i can hide with out having to come up with an excuse to hide. So i hid.

Today i feel like i want to hide, but i feel the need to get things done. i am trying to figure out what to do. i did the laundry yesterday. i have dusted already. i think wrapping gifts would be a good idea. i think baking would be a good idea. Then, i think how much i don't want to do anything.

Later today i am going with P&E, along with D to their family party. It should be a different experience. A little insight given to me by E means i am going to have to be prim and proper for the party. i know what i am going to wear. i know how i am going to do my hair. i even know that i will be taking some meds to keep me calm and relaxed. i am going to be doing everything i can not to embarrass my friends. i will be on my best behaviour. Yes i am a little stressed over it. At least, i am told, i will have a good meal, and time with P&E and D. That i am looking forward to.

i am not invited to the Yule party being put on by L&d. D wants me there. She kept inviting me, and telling me it is silly for me not to be there, and she wants me there, so i will be there. i am not going. Not even for D. i can't. That friendship, with L&d, is gone.

(i just wrote a whole section on what happened with L&d, but have decided it is best to be put in a separate entry.)

So that is how i am feeling. Confused. Hyper. Depressed. Weird.

(Photos of the snow)

Faking it....

i am totally faking being happy and ok. i am putting on a happy face. i am putting on a cheerful glow. i am walking around fooling as many people as i can. Inside, i just want to cry and curl up and pretend the world has ended. Inside i have given up. Inside i am ready to call it quits. my therapist knows it. my doctor knows it.

i told them both on Friday. First Sandy and then the doctor. Both know i am going to stick around. The MIT isn't keeping me here anymore. It isn't a thought to me anymore. It is a complication right now, that is all. The only thing keeping me here right now is common courtesy and common sense. It isn't much. It is all there is right now. Beyond that, i just don't want to be here anymore.

The tree is decorated, only because my Dad came over after the MIT complained. The baking has been started, only because my Sis came over and helped direct me. The baking is the last "gift" i need to get. Everything else is done. i have wrapping to do, but that can happen later. It is just the baking now. i have 2 types done. i have 3 more to go. i just don't want to do them.

Instead, a nice distraction. i will be spending tomorrow with D. She has changed so much since her meds were altered. It is nice to see "her" back again. She has been missed. i am sure her and i can get in trouble together tomorrow. It is my plan anyways. Not my agenda, just my plan. i will, as always, follow her agenda. She is excited about Christmas. She is excited about feeling better. Being with her will be a nice distraction. It won't change how i feel. It won't change my mind. It will just be a nice distraction.

Just not in the mood..

for Yule/Christmas. i am just not in the mood for all the feelings, emotions, festivities, work, or anything else related to the time of year. There are a million reasons, i am sure. Ones i know about and ones i don't want to even aknowledge. The way i know i am not in the mood, is that today is Tree Day, and i don't want to go.



i don't want to bake. i don't want a tree to water. i don't want to be happy. i don't want to buy anymore stuff. i don't want to do it. Nothing. i want it to all be over and done with.

13 days until Christmas

and i still haven't gotten any baking done. 7 days until the MIT needs to have His gifts for the staff at the school and i still haven't gotten any baking done. Baking cookies isn't all about baking cookies. It is more about having treats here for my family, giving gifts to friends that will use them for their family, and giving the MIT's bus driver something for her kids to get a sugar high. i have 7 people i need/want to bake for. 7 presents left go create.

Today is therapy day. i have been having bouts of crying fits all week. i am glad Sandy decided i needed to see her today. i am just sorry it is to be first thing this morning. i would have much more appreciated sleeping this morning and seeing her this afternoon. Being over tired and going to therapy bodes for a weepy, red-eyed, snotty nosed, crying session. my feelings are more raw, and closer to the surface. Easily accessible. Not the way i like to be. i know, suck it up.

Yesterday after school, the MIT came home full blown. He had to be reminded to breath. He couldn't move. He lost his ability to talk as soon as we got into the house, off the bus. Swallowing was difficult for Him. It sucked. i haven't seen Him like this in a while. Then again, i tend to push days like yesterday into the back of my mind and forget it. It could have been a week ago, or a week ago. i wouldn't know the difference.

Yesterday i couldn't do what i wanted because of it. It frustrated me so much. i resented Him being the way He is. i resented not being able to block out the bad. i resented the disorder. i resented being a mom. i resented the time of year. i resented everything. i still feel that way. Even after being up most of the night, i still feel that way. Then again, it could also be because i was up most of the night. i don't know right now.

So anyways, it is therapy, shopping and doctor today. Hopefully it is also baking today. It is also picking up just 3 more gifts today. i will be asking Mom to help take me to one store. Then i will be taking myself to a couple others. my security blanket (iPod) will be with me the entire time.

iPod protection powers, activate!!

No post

i didn't post yesterday. i was too tired. my brain started to malfunction around 8pm. i went to bed about 10 last night, so i am better this morning.

Something that has also helped me, was founding......Hedgehogs!!!! Hedgehogs are made by Botticelli. They are a hazelnut chocolate. They look like hedgehogs. They have little noses you can bite off. They are my favourite chocolate, and i can only find them during the Yule/Christmas/Hanukkah season. They make me happy, just knowing i have some in the house.

The MIT is doing good. He is in a good humour. He is being polite, and the idea of Santa's Naughty or Nice list is a good incentive. He is taking more responsibility with regards to His personal care. It is nice to see. Now if i could only get Him cooking. LOL.

i am enjoying my time with D. Yesterday was a good day with her. She was very lucid and was stable physically, and was eager to do things. Today could be just as good. It could also be not so good. i will see once i get there. We may just hang out in her room, and wander the halls of the hospice, or we may go to the mall and get her picture taken with Santa, or we may take care of some Christmas tasks. As always, i will follow her lead. i just hope i don't forget to take everything with me. She threatened to put me over her knee yesterday after forgetting scissors.

Now that was a very funny dialogue.

The MIT is over my shoulder. Time to get going.

And it continues

The MIT is home. He is sitting and watching The Simpsons. He sits there content, and i feel like i have not accomplished anything this weekend.

In my head, i should have:

• baked 2 batches of sugar cookies
• baked 2 batches of spiced crinkle cookies
• decorated sugar cookies
• made another gift in a jar
• print out instructions for said gift in a jar

In reality i have:

• done all the dishes
• made a dinner that is sitting in the fridge for a day when i don't want to cook
• make 1 gift in a jar
• printed out instructions for said gift in a jar, plus 3 other gifts in a jar i had previously made
• dusted
• vacuumed
• sorted gifts i have gotten for people
• kept my room clean and tidy after cleaning it
• cleaned out and took down cooler
• took down the fridge/cooler
• brought up jars for gifts in a jar

So reality says i have gotten a lot done this weekend, but still my head says different. i feel like i have been lazy. i feel like i have let my weekend without the MIT go to waste. Yes, i took time for myself, but still, i have so much to do.

i get that i couldn't go out shopping this weekend, and that has a lot to do with getting my list finished. i have ingredients to get for baking and for gifts in jars. i have stocking stuffers to still get. i have one person's gift to get. i have 2 people that i can't figure out what to get. my list stays long until those things are done, and i have the money to do them.

The big "problem" i am having, is the baking. i want to bake. i need to bake. i just can't seem to make myself bake. i think of baking, and then i remember my little freezer at the top of my fridge is full. It is full of stuff that i will eventually use, just not right now.

Damn it, i need a freezer. A real freezer.

And so the day begins

It is 9:00 on a Saturday. i have no MIT today. He went to respite last night. i will be picking Him up on Sunday.

So far today, i have taken my meds (yay me), made my bed, tidied my room, sorted gifts, started dishes, cleaned off my table, set out and lit candles, planned my week, talked to my sister, and have pulled out the ingredients to bake today. All this has been done before 9:00. On a day i could have slept in.

Why is it, when i give myself time, i feel the need to take control of my house and make it "perfect" in my eyes? Ok, i really do know why. It is because i want some control in my life. The house is the easiest thing to control right now. i can control how it looks, how clean it is, how decorated it is, and how warm it is. i can create a sense of control, by controlling my environment. It may be a false sense of control, but it is what i can actually do.

So for the rest of the day, i will be baking, dusting, vacuuming, laundry, dishes, making, and wrapping. All in the hopes of making myself feel like i am in control of something.

Oh yeah....and it is SNOWING again!!!!!!!

It is now 6:45 in the evening. i have not gotten much done. i made spaghetti for lunch. i made pork roast with potatoes and carrots and onions for dinner. i have done the dishes. i have even put the dishes away. i have had a nap. OH....i did fix the speakers on my computer. Now i can blast Yule/Christmas music while i do wrapping or baking or whatever. i don't know what else to do. Sure i have a list of stuff. i have baking i could do. i have stuff to take into the basement. i have stuff to bring up from the basement. None of which i really want to do. i guess i can have today as a lazy day.

Holy Crap....

i am actually ahead of the game this year in regards to Yule/Christmas. i mean really ahead. Cards have been mailed. Gifts have been bought, made and done. i mean, i have never been this far ahead, on the second day of December.

i only have 4 more gifts to buy. i have 2 people i don't know what to get them. So i also have them to buy for. That makes 6. Only 6 more gifts to buy. Gifts for friends and family. Only 4 more. i do have a lot of baking and making to do. i also have to pick-up a few odds and ends for stockings. Other than that, i am done. Tomorrow is the day i am going out to finish it all off. i am so proud of myself. Hopefully this will lesson the stress of the season.

i do like baking. After getting groceries tomorrow, (along with the last few gifts) i will be able to bake to my heart's content. This is going to be fun. No more big pressure to go out and shop. No more crowded stores. No more stress about what to get anyone. None. Actual time to just sit back and enjoy the get-togethers, family traditions, and odd weather.

Yay!!!!! (this is me jumping up and down)

It is that time of year

So usually this is the time of year i post what i want for Yule/Christmas. It is like my own little letter to Santa. Soooo....

Dear Santa,

i have tried to be good this year. i know my temper has gotten the better of me a few times. It usually happens when i am over tired or stressed out. It isn't a good excuse. It is what it is. i just hope i was good enough to be on the nice list. If so, this is what i would like.

1. The MIT to get everything on His list
2. Peace of mind for my friends (current and those lost to anger and misunderstandings)
3. Candles from the White Flame Company
4. A new pair of pajamas
5. Hedge hog chocolates
6. New panties
7. A mortar and pestle
8. Fuzzy socks
9. The energy to bake cookies
10. The patience to not yell so much

Well, that is about it Santa. i hope you have a good month, and get everything done that needs to be done. There will be cookies and hot chocolate here for you. The MIT will make sure of it. He will also include some carrots for all the reindeer.

Me

December 1st, again

It is the beginning of the stressful season. Yeah, that is how i am feeling about it right now. It is the first and i am already stressing over what is going to happen the next 19, 21, and 25 days.

Today the house was decorated. i actually did it. i took down the last of the camping supplies, and brought up the decorations, and have put them all up. The house is looking festive. Too bad my mood isn't.

D is heading to hospice care. It is time. It is time for her. It is time for her family. i got to spend a great Saturday with her. We went out shopping. We were able to do two stores. i helped her choose gifts for people. i did a lot of waiting. i would sit next to her wheelchair and just wait while she made decisions, or nodded off. It didn't matter what anyone thought. It didn't wonder how weird we looked. After two stores, she was done. She didn't want to admit it. i made the decision for her. i took her home. i was granted the opportunity, to again watch her and be a support to her family. i stayed the night.

Saturday night was glimpses at insanity, instability, smiles, memories, and flashes of recognition. The insanity was mine. The instability was limbs not cooperating. The smiles were of shared comfort in silence. The memories were mine to carry for the both of us. The flashes of recognition were insightful and far between. The insanity was mine. i only have to see it in glimpses. i don't live with it. i visit it. Just like those that visit my house. i got to go home and hide from it. Even ignore the reality of it for a few hours.

This season is going to be very hard for a lot of us. Each of us enduring our own hells. Mine is a lot less than some. This year i can actually say that. This year, i regrettably get to say, that my hell is not as bad as people i know. Theirs is much worse.

Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow

Yesterday was a good day. The MIT must have been good, since Santa brought Him lots of stuff He asked for. Santa was also good to me, and brought me some PJ's and an iSterio. The MIT surprised me with the Pirates of the Caribbean 3. i cooked the turkey and stuffing without any problems. Mom, Dad and Sis took the MIT to church, giving me time to prepare the turkey, then brought Him home for some quiet time together. After lunch, Mom, Dad, and Sis came over, and we opened more presents. The MIT and i surprised my Sis by giving her a gift from her teddy bear named Tddy. It included a picture of Tddy with Santa. It was all the MIT's idea, and it went over great. Later, my Nana and Aunt came over, and more gifts were exchanged. i have a feeling i will not see my MIT for about 3 months, as He will be holed up in His room watching DVD's. After my Nana and Aunt left, it was time for supper and playing with DVD's and cleaning up. my family is great. All i do is cook the turkey and stuffing, and my Mom brings over the rest of the food, cooks/heats it up, and then after everyone is done, she does the dishes. It was a good day. There were lots of pictures taken. Some of me even turned out really well. Mostly pictures of the MIT were taken, since He is the center of attention, which is only right. i don't have room to put up all the good ones, so here are just few.

Today was shopping with my Mom, while my Dad played with the MIT. It has become a great tradition. i even picked out what i am getting for my birthday today. The MIT and my Dad ate most of the leftovers, so it was Chinese for dinner.

Tomorrow is my exam. my final exam for reflexology. i have to do the entire procedure without looking at my book. That is going to be a breeze. The part i am worried about is naming all the reflexes. That will be the toughest part. That and not loosing my place in the procedure as i answer the questions. The charting i have done is great, and i have no worries about that. But, it is an exam and i always get nervous about that.

The MIT and i still have gifts to give out. One set i know i will be able to deliver soon. The other set, i have no idea. i haven't heard from them in a long time. i have tried to keep in touch with them, but have heard very little back. i have sent emails, and left phone messages. i even sent them an eCard for Christmas. Oh well, i am sure stuff must really be going on with them, or i would have heard from them. Last i had heard, family health was an issue, and i know how that can be when you only have so many spoons.

The biggest surprise this Christmas / Yule time, is the MIT hasn't lost any muscles. He also hasn't gotten all angry. He has pulled Himself from situations to quietly deal. He has really matured. i am proud of Him. i just wish i could see the joy in stuff. All i keep seeing is what isn't and is going to happen in the future.

i am still having problems with that. The change in meds hasn't seemed to help yet. It is still really hard for me to see the "good" in alot of thing, including the van. i am getting better with the Monster (van). i have yet to put His wheel chair in it, but i will be doing that tomorrow, especially if we go visiting and delivering presents. The ramp is cool, and so is the space in the back seat. It is just so hard to get in and out of. i definitely need to invest in a granny step

Well, my pills seem to be kicking in. Tomorrow is a stressful day, so wish me luck, and here is to becoming a certified reflexologist

It is almost Christmas

So a bit of a catch-up in regards to the depression issue. The doctor and therapist have decided to put me back on Trazedone. I had been taken off it back in October. They are figuring that it was doing more good than we had originally thought. I had been taken off it, in the hopes of changing my nighttime meds. So back on it i go.

Yes i am still having all those nasty thoughts, but i am keeping my word. i talked about it openly with both the doctor and therapist. All of it. The plans, the homicidal and suicidal thoughts. i was confused and scared that i would be punished (having the MIT taken away, and being put in hospital) for doing what i am supposed to do. i am supposed to open up about my feelings. i am suppose to tell the professionals that can help me, when i am feeling that dark. They both concurred that i did the right thing. i am not going to be punished for it. They are keeping me on a short leash, and seeing me often, but are letting me work on feeling what i feel without fear of punishment. They are trusting me at my word. They are trusting that i will keep my promise.

As far as the reflexology goes, i have completed all 70 procedures. i have everything completed in order to take my exam on the 27th. i am excited about this. my Mom has been very helpful in getting her friends to be my clients. i have decided that all those that let me practice on them, and that volunteered for me, will be rewarded once i get my certificate. It is the least i can do to thank them all for being my guinea pigs.

Yule was very quiet. Just me for most of the night. The MIT joining me after He had finished karate. It was a quiet night. my tree and candles lighting the house. Wreathes on both doors. my altar decorated with crystals, candles, pine cones, pieces of my tree in the vase. i didn't do any big thing. Just something quiet for myself. i had french onion soup, home made buns, and some ham and potatoes, carrots, and beans. A nice quiet night where i remembered Mike, and how that would have been the night we exchanged gifts. i even got Him something, and put it in His drawer. i called my friends, and wished them happy Yule. It was nice.

Two more sleeps until Christmas. i have all my shopping done. i have wrapping to do. i will be doing that today. Today i will also be driving my new van down to my Nana's. She hasn't seen it yet. Plus, we are having a trifle day at her house. i don't think the MIT will be happy that i am there, but no biggy. i am there for me, and not for Him. By doing the reflexology on her every week, we have become closer lately. i am really enjoying that. Other than that, i refuse to go anywhere near a store. i am so done with the crowds and stuff. On Monday i will be going to E's place for her open house. The MIT will be coming with me, and i will also get to show off my new van there. The MIT is actually looking forward to it. He is actually excited about Christmas this year. It is nice to see.

Well, that is about it. That is my update. i hope everyone has a happy holiday. i don't know when i will be posting again. Soon, but not too soon. Wish me luck on my exam!