Busy month and HAPPY!!!!!

OK. So a lot has gone on since the 31st of December, but I am only going to concentrate on one thing.

I GOT A DOG!!!!!!!

That is right.  I now own a dog.  A long time ago, I was allergic to dogs.  When I had an allergy test done again for a food allergy diagnosis, they also tested me for cats and dogs and a few other mundane things.  Well, the cat prick came back as sever.  So no cats for me still.  The dog test came back perfectly fine.  Now I have kept this a secret, because TJ has wanted a dog for a long time, and I wasn't ready.  He and I have talked about it more in the last year.  He has known for a little bit, that I am not allergic to dogs.

Back in October, my "friend" (not anymore, and not really for a very long while) wanted to buy a puggle (part pug and part beagle).  I drove her out to the person that was selling them, and drove the two of them home, and then went out with her to get supplies for the new puppy.  She and her family of 3 kids and a "husband", plus his 2 kids named him Charlie.

I found out on the 16th, that she was trying to sell him, and had been trying since the beginning of the year.  I was livid, and excited.  I asked my Sis her opinion, and she said no.  I asked my Dad his opinion, and he said no.  I asked my Mom her opinion, and she said yes.  My Mom actually said Yes!  I talked to Karen, and she said yes.  That was it.  I said yes.  On the 17th, I drove home after seeing Karen, stopped at my "friend's" place, asked if Charlie was still up for sale, told her I wanted him and off I was to the bank and then back to get the dog. 

After getting him (and a receipt), I started working with him.  He was a lot rowdy.  He was aggressive.  He was hard to relax.  He had long claws.  His last visit to the vet said his next appointment should have been on Dec. 29th.  He was eating yucky food.  He had been left in a cage or on the back deck.  He had never been on a walk.  He was hating the leash.  He had two collars that did nothing to do for a correction.  It turned out he was late for his last set of shots (due on the 29th, then changed to the 14th) and they never even cancelled or went to the appointment. 

Since then, he is a much happier and healthier dog.  He got a check up and his claws cut at the vet's on the 13th.  He will go to the door when he needs to pee or poo.  He knows how to sit and stay.  He is a ball of energy, and I have found 2 ways to expel this pent up energy.  I actually jog with him, or take him to my Mom and Dad's to use their backyard.  I also am doing the "doggy boot camp" the vet recommended.  He is an attention seeker, and we are curbing his choices of how to get attention.  He has run of the house when it is only me and/or TJ home.  He is on leash when Thelma is here.  He is on leash for a lot of the time when Sis is here.  Today he actually stayed off leash when my Dad came to get TJ.  Even in that excitement, he was calm and would sit when told.  He even stayed out and about when TJ went full blown and I had to sit on the floor and pay most of my attention to TJ. We still have problems with walking and him wanting to follow every scent in the world, but things are getting better. 

Since being in my home, he is a well behaved 5 month old boy.  We go for 2-3 walks a day when the MIT is not home from school. We go threw the "doggie boot camp" training at least once a day.  His treats are ice cubes in his water bowl, and cut up carrots.  When he is calm and relaxed, he gets petted and scratched.  When he breaks a rule, his is ignored for a little bit.  He is learning quickly.  He is a joy to have around.

Cancelled and concerns

i cancelled the tea party. i cancelled it yesterday because my friend E is now in the hospital. i cancelled because i didn't want E and P and L to worry about my silly party, when E is in such bad shape. Plus i didn't want to worry about some silly party when E is in such bad shape.

i have to say, it is about time she went in. The doctors seem to agree, because she is being kept there. i am going to go in and see her tomorrow. i know she won't be getting out for a bit. That is going to be a downer for her. i will take in the tea catalogue and we can decide if we really want to buy anything out of it. i will also be taking her some diet Pepsi, since MUMC doesn't carry it in the hospital. i know i can do just those little things to help her. i'll be doing this in the morning, since i have a date tomorrow afternoon.

Now with P, well, He is in fix-it mode. Add worry mode, and i think He is going a little crazy. Him, i don't know how to help, other than to listen when He needs to talk. That is what i will do. i am good at that.

i haven't heard from L. i left Her 3 messages yesterday, and have heard nothing back. i know P left Her a message as well. i am worried about Her. i don't like not hearing from Her. i always get self conscious if i don't hear from her, like i have done something wrong, and She doesn't feel She can talk to me about it. All i can do is wait until She calls.

my date tomorrow is with T. She and i are going to New Moon. Yes i am actually going to see that movie. Her and i made a commitment to go and see it, when we first say Twilight together. i have a feeling i will also be taking her to the next one in the series. At least i know that she and i will be laughing it up, finding all the faults with the movie and walking out of there shaking our heads. It will be fun.

So tonight, E is in my prayers, along with P, L, T, and C.

Patting

i have been hiding for the last week. i didn't go out. i didn't shower. i didn't do anything i didn't have to do. All i had to do was put on a happy face for the MIT when He was here. i made food when i could. i ordered in when i couldn't. i did what i had to do. i kept a face on when needed, and i took it off when i was alone.

Yesterday i started to peak out from under my rock. i logged on to Facebook and resumed my games. Today i showered, and got dressed, and did what i had to do. i wanted to stay hidden, but i had to do things. The MIT to MUMC for the morning. Taking Him to get His hair cut with my Mom. Getting pop for E. Paid back P for smokes. Got myself some groceries. All done.

Tomorrow i am allowing myself to hide. There isn't anything i have to do tomorrow. Allowing myself a set amount of time to tuck away from the world is good for me. That is why i go camping. i can't afford to camp right now, so hiding in the house works.

After tomorrow, things get busy again. Thursday is two appointments. Friday is one appointment. Saturday is my tea party.

Oh yeah, i am having a Steeped Tea, tea party, on Saturday. Steeped Tea (well one of their sellers) is coming to my house to serve taster teas, and to take orders of their specialities. i will be serving tea food. 2 types of cucumber sandwiches, smoked salmon sandwiches, and pineapple sandwiches. All with their crusts cut off. All fancy and stuff. Oh, and with any tea, there is also a dessert. Shortbread, cream puffs, and even scones ( i hope. i am going to try and get Devonshire cream, then i will get the scones). It will be fun.

So anyways, this is my pat on my back for pulling myself out from under my rock.

Home from Camp (day 63 of summer vacation)

Camp was different, and kind of weird this year. It was fun. It was interesting. i totally enjoyed myself.

Arriving first on Thursday, the only one there from my group was cool. i got to unpack my stuff, set up my cabin, and just sit back and relax. i did have moments when i thought i had to do stuff (like in the past) and had to keep telling myself i wasn't working this year. i started my fire. i sat out in the fresh air. i read my book. i listened to the quiet. It was great. Slowly more from my group showed up. L&D were first. Next came H&D. Then there was rain. i was able to keep my fire going during the entire storm. Now that felt cool.

i had made plans with J about meeting up with him at his cabin, with dinner and blankets and stuff in hand. Of course, i didn't know when he would be arriving, or what cabin he would be in. While it was raining, i saw this big guy wandering past my cabin. i called out "Jared?" and he came right over. i stood up, and His approach just bowled me over. i so dropped at that point. He grabbed my hair, kissed me, and asked me where i was. i know i was nervous. i was in "kiddy" mode. i told Him about the frog i found. It was nervous energy.

He told me that he expected me at His cabin, with food and His bed made. God i was so "there". i was in that moment. i was at peace and comfortable. i did what i was told. i packed dinner into the van, and i headed over to His cabin. i made the bed, and set out a plate of dinner and a can of cold pop for Him. And i waited. (He was helping A with her floating tent) When we were able to get a moment together (A and M were going to be staying with Him that night, because of the rain) we were right back to that space where i was on my knees, and getting my hair pulled and feeling like i belonged there. God that felt good. Eventually i left, as they were going to settle for the night. i went back to my cabin and relaxed and enjoyed the rain, and the fire, and headed off to bed.

Friday started ok. i started my fire again. i made breakfast while L&D&H set up the cooking tent and H's selling tent. i actually cooked over an open fire. i cooked eggs, bacon, pemeal bacon, and sausages. i did them in steps so that people were able to eat while they worked. J came over and asked me how long i would be. i said i would be about 1/2 hour. He said to go to A's site in one hour. i agreed (ooooops). 1 1/2 hours later, i finally left my site, took J breakfast, and waited for Him at His cabin. This was not a good start. He ended up going over to my cabin looking for me, had a bit of a confrontation with H&L and then came to find me. J and i had to talk. i was reminded that He knew my priority was the group, and needed me to communicate better, when i was available to be with Him, and do what He and i needed to do. Unfortunately, this set up a bit of a "road block" as far as H (especially) and L were concerned. (H never did get over it)

Friday was a bad day for me. i kept saying i would do things, and didn't. i felt caught in the middle as far as the "responsibilities of the group" and what everyone else wanted to do. i felt loopy. i was lost and needed centering. i never really got there. i had told J i would be right back, and didn't return, but laid down instead (that was when S&J arrived). i irritated J. i felt totally out of sorts. Things could have gone much better, but i really think i hit that cycle i sometimes do. The one where if i screw up, i continue, because i don't know how to ask for a way out, or help in getting out. (i really need to work on that). Eventually Friday night came together. J and i laid on His bed and worked on the demos. He told me what He expected of me. He and i wrote His handouts for the breath play demo. He used my back as His desk, while dictating to me. We played with the breath play so i knew what to expect. We talked about the blood letting demo, and what i was to expect. It was a nice centering, and "homey" place for me. J joined us all for dinner. P&E eventually showed up. There was laughter and i had my orders for the next day of demos.

Saturday i was up and ready to go by 6:00 am. i showered and dressed. i packed what i needed to keep at the demo sites. i was at J's cabin when i was supposed to be. i radioed L when she had wanted me to. i was great. i felt great. i was excited and anxious about the entire day. J was concentrating on what He needed to do. i was concentrating on what i needed to do. It was wonderful. L helped with the fear play. E did my after care for that while J still talked. Once He was done, He did my after care. We moved on to the breath play. (none of my group came to that) That was fun. i love breath play. He demonstrated different techniques on me. He had me floating. He made sure i was good after the demo. He made sure i got a kiss after my needing to walk away. He let me stay close when i needed, and He let me go away when i needed to, but always kept an eye on me. After the breath play, we had a bit of a break. i took a walk back to my cabin, and sat for a bit, and headed back up to the demo that i was most excited about.

Blood letting. i have never done that before. i had wanted to do it. i needed to do it. i wanted that sensation and pain. No one from the group showed again. That was ok. J was great. Sure He was concentrating on the actual demo. We didn't really connect during it. Well, at one point we really did. During the cut down was the best. It was still really great. It felt really wonderful. i have a beautiful set of stitches on my right arm. i have no bruising. i was floaty and totally on a high. We ended back at His cabin and laid down and relaxed and talked and talked. It was great after care. It was what we both needed. Eventually i left Him and headed back to my cabin to come down even more.

i am not ready to talk about after that. Things got really weird, and off center, and not great. Not with J, but with others. Maybe i will eventually be able to talk about it, but not likely here. Not yet anyways.

But, i am home. The MIT is with me. i have stitches in my arm, and love how they feel. i have a bruise on my right shoulder. i am still a little floaty. i had a good weekend.

Relief (Day 27)

Everything went well yesterday. The MIT even went into a pool. It was a great party. Food was wonderful. Company couldn't be better, except for a few missing in parenting action. A very nice day.

Just a bad dream on Saturday.

Father's Day, Garden, and other stuff

It has been a while since i last posted here. i have been writing in my pen and paper journal almost every day. Things are good. Things have sucked.

my back went out on the 7th, so i have been struggling with that. Oxycotton was my saviour. Add the fact that the MIT has been full blown at least an hour every day, and needing lifting or support, it has been a big struggle. i now have to get up an hour earlier every day, to stretch out my back and be able to move and help the MIT. i am now on plain alieve. That is a good improvement. The MIT has 2 more days of school, and then summer vacation is on. i have signed Him up for summer school, but won't know anything about that until around July 6. Until then, it is "entertain MIT" time. i do hope He is accepted in the summer school program. It will give me a break for at least part of the summer.

Today is Father's day, and i will be going to my parent's place for dinner. i have the presents from me and Sis. i have to wrap them up and take them with me. The MIT wants to give Dad something that isn't even out yet. i need to find a picture of it so the MIT can give Dad something.

Dad and i have been getting along well. He helped me fix my outdoor tap and hose. We are planning on building the gate together. It is going to be a daughter/daddy project. We haven't done one of those in years. i think i can even get Him to help me with the garden dilemma. He feels like i do, that my neighbours don't really know what they are doing.

my gardening is coming along. i am enjoying my herbs. i have summer savoury drying in my kitchen, and it smells great. Having chives to enjoy when ever i want is wonderful. The lemon balm is coming along nicely. The lavender isn't doing too well, but it is a perennial, so i don't expect to see very much for a while. i am waiting for the chamomile to grab hold. my neighbours and i are sharing my back yard for a veggie garden. i want to fix what they have done. i just don't have the money for it right now. i need to box in that garden and put more soil in it, so all the seeds don't keep getting washed away. i also want to till out the grass area, and lay sod. What i have now looks like shit. i want the entire back yard to be functional and good looking. i like where the veggie area is, and i want to be able to build in a flower garden near where i want the gate and stair. my biggest issue is that my eyes and head have bigger ideas than my bank account.

Camp is 2 months away. i am really looking forward to it. It is the first time "we" don't have to be the "go-to" people. i am hoping for a relaxing weekend. i know i have to start planning for that. i know i will be transporting 2 benches. i will also be transporting my own stuff. i wonder about what we are going to do about meals, and what i have to buy for that. Other than gas for the van, and food for a meal or two, i am not lacking equipment or supplies. Costs shouldn't be too bad.

i have been keeping my friends in my thoughts. K has surgery coming up on the 20th. It could be the C word. It might not. i am hoping for not. L&D are struggling with their new friend Atlas. Atlas needs training, and has a habit of getting away from them. Hopefully over the summer the MIT and i can go out there and meet this new friend. He sounds like one heck of a challenge. P is worried about K. E is worried about P and K. B is worried about K. Heck, everyone is worried about K. S, well, i have missed her, and am being a bad friend to her. i have lost track of how she is doing. Her health issues have a name, and now she is having to deal with it. She is doing better than i have. i am jealous of that. i am jealous of the fact that she is able to keep her sugars under control, but i just can't keep a handle on it. She has much more self control than i do. i am proud of her for that.

The reflexology situation sucks. i have advertised places (kijiji, school program) but i am getting no bites. Plus i have forgotten the entire procedure and need to use the book again. If you don't use it, you loose it. i tried to give E a session, but had not taken my book, and forgot so much. i need to do a "do-over" with her. i need to make the effort to go out and actually do it to E and P more often. They are in much need of it, and i need the practice. Sis has had me do sessions for her. She has one coming Monday.

i am still very happy with the scene i had with PM. i am glad we did it. It showed me that i can still "take" a lot. It showed me that i am still me deep down inside. It also showed me that i am wanted and attractive to some. i just don't know how much i want to put myself out there. People i know, i am comfortable with. Strangers, not so much.

Well, i guess that is enough venting. There are presents to wrap, cards to create. There is racing to watch, and a much needed shower to take.

i hope everyone has a good weekend.

Wow!!

i went to a play party on Saturday. It was the same one i went to 2 months ago. This time i went with someone. PM. She came to my house before the party. We had dinner together, and we talked about what would happen when we played. We talked about safe words, how we were going to communicate while we played. We went to my toy closet and we picked out a few toys for that night. We got dressed together. i took her picture in her leathers. Then we headed out.

i had been nervous before she arrived. Hell, i was nervous on the way there. This was going to be a real scene. This was going to be serious play. The last time that happened was with L, and that was in private. 2 months ago, it was not really a scene, but more a trial. This was going to be in public, with multiple toys, and with someone that wanted to play with me, and that i wanted to play with, and had wanted it for a long time.

We arrived and got settled into a spot. i went around and visited with some people. i went out for a couple smokes (with permission). Eventually it was time for the two of us to play. She had gotten possession of the cross. She came to get me.

She had me kneel in front of her, and reminded me of what we had talked about. She reminded me that we were going to have fun, and just go with the flow, and that if i had a problem, to do what we had discussed. She then had me stand up and take off what i was wearing. i threw it on the ground. Then i got the look and the "excuse Me?" She apologized for not letting me know that when she gets playing, she really gets into Dom mode. i picked it up, and i put it where she said, then she attached me to the cross. God it went well. She ramped me up and down. There was thuddy, there was stingy, there was harsh and there was soft. i got the giggles. i dropped. i orgasmed. i giggled more. i cried.

She let me cry. She held me and let me feel it. She didn't push me after that. She took me down and had me kiss her feet. We actually ended with that. It was the perfect ending. i helped her clean up and i went out for a smoke.

That was when i felt close to Mike again. i could smell His cologne. i thought it was my imagination. i smelled it again. It made me smile. i swear i could then feel His hand over my mouth and nose, just like He would do after a scene, taking my breath away. i tried to press into His hand, but it wasn't there. i could feel His other hand rub my arm, and His chest behind me, holding me up. i know it sounds weird, but that was how it felt.

It all felt so right. The evening, the play, the after stuff. It all felt like it should have. i felt at home again. i felt like me again. Not the "mommy" me. Not the closed off me. i felt like the me i was 2 years ago. The me that wasn't afraid of letting go. The me that wasn't closed off to submitting again. The me that new who and what i am.

i'm not so scared to be me again. i know He would be proud of me. i know that He would want me to feel this way again. i know that it is all ok now. i know i don't have to be single forever.

Content....sort of

This weekend was great. It was relaxing, and enjoyable, and full of friends and fun.

Saturday was P's party. E finally pulled of a surprise for Him. First it was dinner at Tucker's, then going to a decorated house for cake and presents. There were 13 of us at dinner. L&D with M&S, me, Sh, K&B, and of course P&E with C&T, plus Br. Back at the house H&D, and LL did all the decorating. Other than Sh, who had plans that evening, we all headed back to the streamer and balloon filled house. P did really well on the gift front. Underwear with Jesus on the butt, a fisting pen, a whip, Reeces Peanut butter cups, books, CD's. He raked it in.

Saturday was good for me also. i actually spent time with everyone. i didn't back out. i enjoyed being around everyone again. Yes it helped that i wasn't the only single person there. That actually helped a lot. i feel weird being around people that are couples sometimes. i end up feeling lonely. Saturday i didn't. i did have a bit of an issue being surrounded by so many Doms. i almost asked if i could have a smoke. It was also comforting being around that many Doms. There was a feeling of peace inside me i miss. i easily would have curled up at K's feet, or L's. P's feet were covered by LL and E.

Sunday was also nice. i picked up the MIT and we went and spent more of His birthday money. He got a new game for His Nintendo DS, and a new CD. It was nice being with Him. Unfortunately, He is also sick. We ended up spending all day today together, and will again tomorrow. Still, with Him being sick, He is quite cuddly and easy going. Once He starts to feel better, He will be more difficult to get along with. That will be my cue to send Him back to school.

Tonight, the MIT is already in bed, and i am soon to follow. It is too cold to sit outside and read. Maybe tomorrow night will be better. Then again, i can always start a little fire in my BBQ. Hmmmm, which to do?

Healing, following, living, and celebrating

Saturday was a busy day. It turned into a nice and quiet night. It was a good day.

First L&D showed up with their kids and we had a good exchange. L and i are going through a lot of the same things with our children. We both have to deal with a child that is having a difficult time liking themselves. It was nice for me to hear that someone else is dealing with the same problems. i think it was the same for her. We decided that the issue (what ever it was) 6 months ago, isn't worth ruining our friendship over, mainly because neither of us can remember what it was really about. That was a relief. i didn't want to loose them from my life. They are important to me. Both the grownups and the kids. It was also nice to hear that both the MIT and i are important to them as well, and that they understand that the MIT is getting worse and that doesn't bode well for the future.

Watching the MIT and their girls was wonderful. Watching the MIT and them interact was just as fun. He gets so animated with D. It was nice to see Him show off in front of people again. It was nice to see the MIT's nice side.

After they left, including the MIT, it was quiet time for me. i enjoyed setting up all my candles for light and heat during the 1 hour of lights out for the celebration of the earth, and conservation of resources. Once 8:00 came. i had already had the computer shut off, the microwave, can opener, toaster unplugged, and my candles lit to light and heat the house. It was nice in that hour. i actually used the time to meditate.

Overall, Saturday was a good day. It was a relief to reconnect with L&D. We are making plans to see each other again soon. The night was enjoyable also. The quiet and time to meditate is something i might do again next Saturday. It was a great day.

Today it is time to celebrate the MIT turning 16. i remember a time when it was hard to picture Him turning 3, or 6, or 13. To picture Him turning 16 was a far off goal. He has made it. He will be 16 tomorrow. Yes we are struggling with Him not being able to learn how to drive. Yes He is angry about it not happening. Yes it is something else He has to struggle with. We will survive it.

i can't wait for Him to see what i got Him. He is going to be really excited. i used all my income tax refund to buy Him a Nintendo DS, a case for it, and a game. He picked out His own cake, and is really excited about it. The family is getting together, as per usual, and having pizza. Tomorrow, on His actual birthday, we are going to have a small celebration of our own. We are ordering in Swiss Chalet, i am getting another cake, and we are going to sit around and watch whatever He wants.

What about Saturday

Well, as the title suggests, this post is about Saturday night. The night i actually went out to a play party. Yes i actually did go to the party. Yes i did have fun. Yes i did get played with. Yes i had a good time. Yes i am proud of myself for going.

my only issues was after the play. i ended up going home right after. It wasn't any body's fault. i just was looking for Mike after. i was looking for Him to put His hand around my face. To press my face into His hand and feel and smell His skin holding the breath from my lungs. Yes i dropped. i think that was part of the problem. i felt the need for Him to be there. He wasn't there.

i know it is something i need to get used to. i know it will take time. i am not giving up on me. i just know i couldn't hang around there any longer, waiting for Him to come up to me and make sure i was ok, or watch over me, or keep me from breathing, or rub my ass and enjoy how warm it was. i just couldn't stay there feeling like that. So i came home. i squeezed my face into His pillow. i wrapped my arms around Splotchy. i cried because i miss Him. And then i went to sleep.

A long Thursday

Yes it was a long day. It all started at 5:30 am and didn't stop until 11:30 pm.

First it was getting the MIT off to school. Then groceries. No big deal. Just an hour out of my life i can never get back. Then it was time to shower and get dressed professionally. Meeting at the school. Meeting with my therapist. Home to the MIT. Then He was off to a pot luck dinner at church (Maunday Thursday). Then, i did something i haven't done in a very long time.

i went to the Hamilton Mixer all by myself.

i am really proud of myself. i went at the beginning and didn't leave until after 10:00. i talked to people i hadn't met before. i talked to people i haven't seen in a long time. i enjoyed myself. i am also proud with the way i handled the arrival of the two people, that really made my life miserable after Mike died. i felt my heart beat faster, and my breathing increase, but then i just breathed deep, and continued my night. i didn't go up to them, and i didn't avoid them on purpose. i just pretended they weren't there. They left before i did. i am really proud of the fact that i didn't panic and that i didn't run out of there, letting them take away a great night.

So yeah. i am proud of myself. i am proud i did everything i had to yesterday. i am proud i handled the meeting at the school. i am proud i went to therapy after. i am proud i went out last night.

This is me smiling and glowing

38 and more

i am now 38 years old. Well, officially i turned 38 yesterday. i had a good birthday.

Sunday was the family get together. i got all the seasons of Charmed. i got money. i got a necklace. i got an Eeyore with a star, and another Eeyore mug. The mug and little stuffed Eeyore were from the MIT. my Mom said He picked it out all by Himself. The money was good. It was enough for the MIT and i to go out to dinner last night. Charmed, well, the MIT and i are back to watching it again, every chance we get.

Yesterday was the dinner with the MIT at the Mandarin. He didn't eat much. He only had a bowl of soup and 2 special drinks. One red (strawberry freeze) and one green (lemon and lime freeze). i, of course, ate from the buffet. Luckily i read everything before picking it to add to my plate. They had a dish called cashew shrimp. Nope, didn't have any. Didn't even have the either of the dishes beside it. i just couldn't take the chance.

Today is the anniversary of when Mike was diagnosed with lung cancer. It is weird how much i missed Him yesterday. i kept expecting a card, or for Him to show up with flowers. i went with how bad i was missing Him, and you know what? i am ok today. i am not depressed. i am not in a hiding mood. i am ok.

Tomorrow i take the MIT to His therapist. The doctor has made a referral to a psychiatrist. His depressing has been suppressed all these years, but it is still there, and time to make something happen.

Thursday is therapy day. It is also a meeting at the school day. i will be able to fit them both in. That isn't the problem. Actually i can't think of a problem with it. It will be nice to talk to Sandy after the meeting. A way of getting my frustrations out without turning them towards anyone, or anything. Then again, getting mad does help with the house cleaning.

Thursday night i am going to the Hamilton Mixer. i haven't been there in ages. i was scared of going because of who i might run into (L&A). i am not scared anymore. They can't hurt me more than Mike's death did. They are nothings.

Saturday i am going to Endorphins. Yes i am actually going to a party. Again, i haven't been there in ages. i just have no idea what to wear. i feel like going out and buying something new. i won't. i will wear something i like. i know i will probably get a bit of a spanking from one person. We will see how that goes. Apparently i owe her LOL. Or is it that she owes me. Either way, i will be making the most of the night.

Ok, off to get some actual sleep. The MIT had a noisy night.

One more sleep...sort of

Today is the day we pack up my van with all the DSSG stuff, and probubly head off to the camp to drop it all off. Today is also the day my head hurts, the MIT is complaining about the pain from His bruised ribs, i am panicked, i am nervous, i am missing Mike, and i can't seem to follow my simple lists of what i need to do.

i know i get like this. All but last year i had Mike here to center me. i need my hair pulled. i need pain i don't inflict on myself to settle me. i need someone to stand next to me and direct me to do what it is i need to do. i know i can do it. i did it last year. All on my own i did it last year. Why is this year so hard?

i don't have much time left until everyone shows up to load the van. i need to go to 2 stores before they come here. That of course includes getting the MIT fed and dressed and myself showered and dressed before we go. This will work out.

Week 9 and Carpet is in!!!!

Today is the first day of week 9. Another week down. Only 2 and a bit weeks until school begins. Thank goodness. i am at the end of my rope. There is only so much i can handle, and this summer has taken its toll.

Today i finally got a new carpet. On the right, is what it used to look like. This is just a small section of the yucky thing. See all the bumps and bubbles? Those were all over the carpet. The MIT would trip over them all the time. It was ugly and unsafe.

On the left is the new carpet. Isn't it great? All smooth and pretty. The colour is better also. Much lighter, and no stains!!! i am a very happy camper. Now i just have to move everything back to where it belongs.

While the carpet was being installed, the MIT decided to show off. He sat on the railing in front of the house, and fell off it. The first fall was backwards onto the pile of old carpet, so there was no damage. The second fall was head first onto the patio pavement. The one guy that was installing the carpet, helped break the MIT's fall, so the bump on His head isn't to bad. i am hoping to get a picture of it, just for memory sake.

This week is getting ready for Camp week. This requires shopping, shopping and more shopping, packing the van, emptying the van, repacking the van. The stress will come with taking the seats out of the van, and making sure i get everything on my lists for camp. The other stressful thing is packing the van with all the DSSG stuff, and then making sure i can pack all of my stuff. Luckily i am a list maker, and have plenty of lists to go by. i just hope i don't forget anything. Especially the DSSG stuff.

i have been having trouble maintaining a calmness in me. i am taking all my meds. i am eating pretty ok (i think i gained). i will talk to the doctor about it tomorrow. i don't want to be on more meds, but i can't keep "coping" the way i have been. The stuff i talked to my therapist about is still running rampant in my head. i am having trouble letting it go and just living day to day. Then again, part of what therapy is about for me, is dealing with how i feel, when i feel it. So maybe there is a reason i keep thinking about what i discussed on Friday. i guess i will wait and see and talk to the doctor tomorrow.

Swirling thoughts

i can't sleep. my head is full of confusing thoughts. The MIT is beeping and beeping. Lots of apneas, a few bradys. Doesn't look like a night i get to settle.

Therapy was rough. At least i didn't just vent about every day stuff. i confessed my cutting. i talked about how this year seems so much harder than last year. At least last year, i was in a fog. Living on the thought that i would wake-up at any moment, and all would be back to normal. This year i can't pretend. i have been learning to feel what i feel when i feel it. i have been learning to accept what life now has to offer me. This year sucks. This year i am totally aware that Mike is gone. This year i am figuring out how to live without Him. i had thought that this year would be easier than last. i am finding it to be harder. Sandy says it is normal. She says that after trying to bury all my feelings, i am going to feel more overwhelmed by letting them all out.

On top of that i confessed my stress about the MIT. i confessed how much summer sucks. i confessed how during the school year, i hear that i am lucky my parent's take my son every Saturday for a sleep over. i confessed that it bothers me so much because in the summer, i get only the Saturday night, and don't get a week off here or there. i am with Him almost 24/7. i confessed the thoughts have returned, hoping He won't wake-up in the morning. i confessed how much i love Him, but that i want a real break from Him. God i can't for October.

i am feeling really tired. Totally stressed out. Nearing the end of my rope. Sandy wondered why i would put myself through all the stress of Camp. It was hard to explain but finally i realized, that by the end of camp, i am a much happier person. i feel free at camp. Free to be who i am, if i chose to. Free to get all "powerful" if i need to. Free to just be a grownup with a great bunch of grownups that i am proud to call my friends (ok, sometimes i even call them family).

Time to try to settle my brain. i am hoping this helped. i need to at least nap between beeps.

Almost the end of week 8

Today is Friday. Today is therapy day. i need it.

i have been having panic attacks. Yes it finally broke threw. It overwhelmed me. The first one was intense. i couldn't even write in my journal. i wanted out of it so bad. The meds wouldn't work. They didn't calm me at all. i ended up cutting. It broke the attack. It made me feel better. The next day, it happened again. Two times. i didn't cut this time. On the advice of P&E i went to my ceramics class. It helped. i am glad i called and asked their advice. Ceramics is quite calming, especially when you know that you don't have to interact with anyone else, and that any mistakes i make, i can correct.

i have been thinking a lot about Mike, and how much i miss Him. i have also been thinking about the good times, and that brings smiles to my face. Thinking about Him this year, is different than last year. Last year, i was going through the motions. i was waking up, doing what i had to, trying not to think. Pushing myself to accept that He is dead. This year, i am more aware of everything. i am aware of feeling sad, of feeling happy. i am aware when i talk about Him, or think about Him. i am past being angry at His stupidity. i am more sad that He felt He needed to lie so much. Sad that He couldn't even admit things to Himself. Other than that sadness, i am enjoying the happy memories. Yes, sometimes they make me cry. Yes i still wish He was here. i am getting better at letting my emotions come out as they need to. i guess that is a good sign in my development.

A week from today i will be waking up at camp. i am split on how i feel about it. Split on wanting to go, and not wanting to go. Wavering between thinking it will be enjoyable, and thinking it will be like dragging my feet in the mud. i am definitely prepared to get drunk again. i am really looking forward to that. i am going to be the booze center. i am taking Bailey's, Rum, Peach schnapps, and Goldshlager. i am responsible for bringing the stove, and transporting all the equipment this year. i am going to be making tacos for my communal meal. No sandwiches, no meat plate. Something warm and easy and likely to please. i am glad i thought about it.

i am really glad this is the last one we will be hosting. The decision has been made that the people that own the camp ground, will be continuing with the tradition, and they want us to manage the play parties. That takes me back to the very first time the original group of us went to the camp grounds to stake it out. We ran the play party then. It was a great time. i like the idea that we aren't going to have all the responsibilities. No worrying about food. No worrying about registration. It will end up being a nice break, and a nice place to go and enjoy. i can see communal meals with us again, and again.

Well, sounds like the MIT is finally up. i was actually sitting here for the last hour and a half wishing He wouldn't. Yeah, that is how down i am right now. Instead, He is up, and will be wanting food soon. The new med His is on has stopped the seizures. He has been having more episodes of one side or the other gone. No real "full blown" episodes. Even on days when both sides are working, His balance is way off. i am not seeing my strong MIT as much anymore. i am seeing the MIT that is loosing mile stones, and balance, and is physically deteriorating. Great.

Well, i guess that is all. i have other news, but am not ready to share it out loud. i am scared it won't happen, and things fall through, and i am left feeling worse.

Time to cook the MIT breakfast. Hopefully it isn't going to be french toast again (He has had that on Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday). At least He gets a smoothie every morning. It is nice to not have to worry about Him actually getting fruits every day. Time to stop droning on and on.

Have a great day all.

week 7, countdown, and confusion

Yes, today is the start of week 7 of the MIT's summer vacation. i am loosing my steam. i am still making Him breakfast every day. i am still trying to get Him out of the house. i am over tired, and things have gotten different. Friday we found out He had a broken baby toe that i had mistaken a week before that as a dislocation. A broken toes wouldn't be a problem normally, but for Him, it means that when that side goes, and He tries to walk, He is putting ALL His weight on that one toe. This, of course, means no karate, and stumbling all over the place.

The countdown is for camp. There is 18 days until the start of camp. That doesn't mean i have 18 days until i have to be there though. The org usually goes up the night before and leaves a day later. i don't know if i can actually go up there like usual. my Mom is not cooperating. LOL. Yes it all depends on her. Then again, i can hope that my sister doesn't find a job between now and then, and she can take care of the MIT during the times i need. That would be best case senario.

This will be the second camp without Mike, and the last camp we run. It is a big loss. i am still grieving Mike, and now i get to grieve something we all built together. No, i don't have the drive to actually do more. Hell, i don't know if i have the drive to survive this one. Another one, is just not something i am looking forward to. Going to someone else's event is hard. It is like trying to replace the perfect pair of pants with something new, and having to work them in. i don't like working another event in. Hell, we don't get to work another event in. We just get to go, and bitch about how we would like it if we did it. Then again, we are good at that. Both at bitching and creating something we would enjoy. i just wish we didn't have to work so hard to do it. my dream event would be one that we organized, and found people to actually do. We would "hire" those who would fulfill our dream, and we could sit back and let it happen. Then again, we are a bunch of control freaks, so it probubly wouldn't work that way anyways.

Confusion. Let's see. i am lonely. i want sex. i don't want to be in a relationship, or expected to have sex, but i would like to actually be taken out on dates. i am not ready to open myself up to anyone, but i would like to be taken out. Wined and dined. Shown off and shown a good time. Then again, i don't want to go out. i want to stay safe. i want to stay in my own "bubble" and just be. i guess the big question is, what do i want more? Do i want sex? Do i want my bubble? Do i want to go out? Do i want to stay home? i am not sure yet. Since i don't know, it isn't time to put myself out there. When i know it, i will take the dive. Just not yet.

Gaining control, and finding out about myself

i haven't posted in a while. i have been busy since the fire. i have found that i have a talent i didn't know about. Let me explain.

The day of the fire, a group of 3 Moms decided that the survey should hold a BBQ to raise funds for the family that lost everything. They asked me for my help. Man did i end up helping. Thursday and Friday was spent doing things no one else wanted.

i got permission from Victoria Park to hold the BBQ
i got food donations, and raffle prize donations from 21 businesses
i got a cash donation from 1 business
i got ice donated from 1 business
i did running around, and picked-up a number of the raffle prizes and food donations.
i got a float for the two main areas
i thought up 2 activity areas (sprinklers, and Lego fun)
i was asked many times "what should I do now Wendy?"

All that was before the event. Mostly on Thursday and Friday. Even on the Saturday (the day of the event) i was asked what people should do, how to set stuff up, how to make donation boxes, how to handle the money. Sometimes they listened to my ideas, sometimes they didn't. It really didn't matter. This was a community thing.

Saturday, once the event started, i was in charge of the money (making sure everyone had enough change, and making sure the cash boxes didn't have to much cash in them at one time), the first aide station (thanks Mike, you trained me well), the sprinkler area, and the Lego area. i also took lots of pictures. It was fun. After we shut everything down, i, and 3 other people, counted the money. i made sure every envelope was signed on the seal and had the amount that was in it, and the denomination amount on it. To say the event was a success is an understatement. We raised almost $2000, not including actual donations of stuff.

Who knew i could do this? Who knew i am good at organizing a fundraiser, including getting all the supplies for free? i didn't. Sure i have some experience because of DSSG, and the running of S/mer camp, but really, being able to call places and ask for donations? Being able to ask and get stuff was the toughest job. It meant putting myself (and the event) out there to be told "no". i hate doing that. But really, i never thought i would be good at it. When i first started making the calls, it was because no one else would do it. By the end, it was because i was enjoying doing it. (ok, yes i complained while doing it, but it was still fun to hear people say yes).

Today i get to take the money to the bank. i get to take back some stuff to a couple businesses that they donated to use for the day. i get to print out cards/thank you letters to all the businesses that helped us achieve such a successful event. i will probably end up dropping them all off on Wednesday.

And about the reflexology, i put it on hold during this time. i did, right after the event, send out apologies to everyone i hadn't gotten back to. i even did a treatment on someone on Sunday. i have a treatment booked for tomorrow, and 3 booked for Wednesday. i do have one booked for today, but the MIT is sick and in bed, and i am going to have to cancel that.

So, wow. What a weekend. i didn't know i had it in me.

Pride in myself

i did it. i went to the event last night. i didn't show up right at the beginning, but i did go. i made myself have my shower. i made myself get dressed. After that, i enjoyed putting on some makeup. i enjoyed figuring out what coat to wear that would cover parts of me. i even took pictures of myself in the mirror before i left. (note to self. Those types of pictures never come out properly).

When i arrived, it was different. A new venue is always interesting. This one was cozy. Small, and full of people. It reminded me of the venue we used to use way back when. The bar tenders were fun. The one girl was really turned on near the end of the night. The people were mainly those that i like. Those that don't do the bunny fur, or soft floggers. Most were using canes, needles, single tails. There were screamers. There was no concern about noise. The music was great (smiles and waves). A song was even played just for me. i really did enjoy myself. i am glad i went.

The only problem i really had was i actually got horny. Not the have to orgasm kind of horny, but the make me bleed and hurt and orgasm kind of horny. P told me to go home and take care of it. i actually told Him it wouldn't help. i don't think i have ever really said no to Him before. It was true though. i was just wanting the type of "sex" that included extreme pain to take me to that place. i haven't felt that kind of horny in a very long time. i enjoyed feeling that way, and making myself suffer over it.

Again, i am glad i went. i am glad i ignored my "blah" feelings and took control of myself and went. In the past, i would have gone grudgingly, and blamed the person "making" me go. This time, i was happy with myself for pushing past the urge to just stay home and went to an event, and enjoyed myself.

i feel really proud.

I've got that "blah" feeeeling

i am still feeling blah. So blah, that i want to just stay home tonight. i don't want to go out. i am doubting what i am going to wear. i am doubting how strong i am, and if i can handle things if people i don't like will be there. i just want to curl up and go to sleep for the entire night. But i am not going to do that. Sure i will keep the doubt with me for a bit, and maybe my mood might not be that great at the beginning of the night, but i know that going out will help counter how i am feeling right now.

i will take what i need to make me feel comfortable. i will tuck something into a bag or purse that i can fiddle with to make me feel centered. It could be a necklace, or a set of earings. It doesn't really matter. i know that carrying something will help me feel more in control. Plus, the outfit i am wearing has many, many pockets, so i can always tuck something small in one of those.

i also know that friends will be there. People i love, and that love me and care about me, and won't let me wallow for no reason. i also know that i can always find a quiet space to just stand back and watch what is going on. If i need to find a job to do, i know the organizers enough that they will find me something. i know i will be safe there. Sure, i could call on my friends to make sure i actually go, but i want to do this on my own. i want to be able to take control of myself and head there myself, and make sure i follow through on something i arranged. i need to do this myself.

So, now i need to get into the shower. Wash away this blah feeling as much as i can. Find that sexy me someplace inside my head. Take my time getting dressed, and holding myself to my prior choice. Put on makeup and feel even sexier. Take my regular meds (including the antibiotic). Put on a long coat and head out to the event. i have plenty of time. The event doesn't start until 8:00. i can take my time with this. Just not to much time. Too much time and i can talk myself out of anything.

Ok, time to settle, relax for a bit, and then head into the shower.

Ok, just found out someone i don't like will definitly be there tonight. Deep breaths. Not going to give this person the power over me in going. Am going to go and enjoy myself and keep all my power to myself. i am going because i want to, and because i know i will have fun. Even if it is just to look at people's outfits.