That is how I have been feeling lately. Like I am hanging by a thread, and more and more weight is pulling, and pulling me to the point where I just can't hold on any longer.
First it was TJ in emergency. Second was Charlie getting neutered. Third was Charlie eating the razor. Forth was TJ's change in his room (will talk about this) Fifth was TJ not eating (will talk about this). Sixth was the washing machine breaking. Seventh was the van needing making grinding noises when breaking (will talk about this also). Eighth was the van going in and the estimate for that (will talk about). Ninth was Dad "fixing" my washing machine (will talk about). Tenth is my Mom yelling at me at every turn.
So, on the 16th, Mom and Dad came over and put a new TV in TJ's room. That should have been no big deal. The big deal was that Dad needed my help to install the TV and digital cable box. It just wouldn't work. Add Mom being bossy, Charlie needing help, and TJ watching "on demand" all at the same time, and me feeling like I being pulled in so many directions. I had to actually yell about someone taking Charlie out of the house for a short bit, so I could actually help Dad.
On the 17th (and partly the 16th) TJ decided that his stomach hurt / was upset and he couldn't eat. He was still drinking, but wouldn't eat anything. It was thought that he gave eating up for lent, but that wasn't really what happened. He has stopped telling us when his head is hurting, because none of me medications he can take, help his head. Going along with this, migraines make his stomach yucky. Tuesday I was really scared. Kept TJ home Wednesday (the 23, turned out to be a snow day) so I could take him to the doctor's. That was a flop, so I kept him home on Thursday (24) and was able to get him seen. The doctor gave him Boost. I have convinced TJ that Boost is a medicine lie what they gave Charlie after his surgery, to coat the stomach, and make it feel better. Since drinking the first bottle Thursday at lunch, TJ has had pizza Thursday night, oatmeal and hot chocolate Friday morning, his second dose of Boost and pizza for lunch on Friday, and pigged out at my Nana's house. So I am feeling much better about all that.
Wednesday (the 23) morning I put a load in the washing machine, and it broke. The agitator stopped. I told my parents. Dad decided he wanted to come over and fix it. So I now have TJ home from school, and Dad here, along with caring for Charlie. TJ is settled in his room, so he isn't a problem, but Charlie still needs to stay out of Dad's way, and be kept happy. Eventually, Dad figures out the part that is the problem (4 hours later) and so we clean up the kitchen so Charlie can run free, but TJ is still home and the nurse is supposed to be here, so I can take Charlie out for a walk. Nurse cancels, because she has had a car accident. I get yelled at Mom for not being nice to Dad, and then hung up on when Mom doesn't like that I put the phone to Dad's ear to tell her I have been nice, and I am stressed. No walk for Charlie or for me. Hanging by a thread.
Thursday I am supposed to see Karen. Instead, that is the time I can take TJ in to see the doctor. Doctor gives us the magic Boost. I call Karen to cancel, and start crying on the phone because everything is feeling like a weight on me. Take TJ to the doctor. Solve the eating problem because I am still able to manipulate TJ, and then Dad takes my van in to get an estimate. I give him the instructions on what ODSP needs if they are going to help pay for the repairs. 3 hours later, Dad finally goes and picks-up the van, and brings back a copy of the fax they sent. It doesn't have my name on it. That has to be on it for ODSP to consider it. Call ODSP, then call Ford back, and have them re-fax the estimate.
Today (Friday 25), TJ goes to school and me more relaxed because he ate breakfast. I have a dentist appointment, go and then come home. Dad now comes over to fix the washing machine. This kills my schedule with Charlie, and means Charlie is on leash in the house. Dad takes from 1:30 - 4:30 to get the job done, but while working on it, another part falls out, and Dad gets hurt. Mom calls I am frustrated because it feels like the washer won't get fixed and is actually getting worse. She calls and starts yelling at me. TJ comes home. Mom calls again, talks to TJ, asks to talk to me, yells at me and I hang up. Mom comes to pick-up TJ and tells me how frustrated she was when she was yelling at me, and I explain how frustrated I was when she was yelling at me, and Dad says we are all done with it, and Mom walks away saying "I don't think so".
Dad comforts me. The washer is working (then we find 2 screws - don't ask). He leaves, and I run a load through the machine. Charlie and I have dinner, and then we lie down on my bed and fall asleep. TJ comes home early from karate (I didn't answer the phone when Mom called to let me know this is happening). I put Charlie in his crate (since it is crate time) and stay lying in bed until 10:45 when I finally put TJ to bed.
And so now, I am awake. I will be heading back to bed soon. I need to make sure I am ok for taking Charlie over to Mom and Dad's for play time tomorrow.
The good news is, I have not done any problem behaviour. I have really wanted to. I mean, really, really want to. Even right now, I would love to cut. I would love to just take enough pills to not wake-up tomorrow. I would even add booze to the pills. I am not doing this. I am sleeping a lot (not a good thing) but I am not doing any problem behaviour. Karen says that is a good thing. I have also been effective during all of this. I have called ODSP about the van. I have taken TJ to the doctor. I have hit or killed anyone. My washer is fixed. TJ is "fixed". Soon the van will be fixed. I guess that means the DBT therapy is working. I hate that I am crying so much. I hate that I can't just push my feelings aside and become that robot I used to be. It feels like it makes my thread a little thinner.
Thelma is scheduled to come tomorrow.
Earth day is tomorrow, and I intend to celebrate it the same way I always do. Candles and a fire out back. Maybe that will help me to relax and start to feel normal again.
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Charlie and TJ
Both are well. Charlie is home, and was home Sunday night. TJ doesn't feel any guilt. TJ even went up to Charlie and petted him. He checked out Charlie's scar and went "eww"
Me, well, I am still surviving. I am working on little sleep. I have not had a chance to catch up on all the sleep I lost Saturday, Sunday and Monday nights. I will make it through. I always do.
Tomorrow is the anniversary of when I first started keeping an online "journal". It will be 7 years. This journal has gone through a lot of changes. It started out when I was with Mike and I needed a place to vent. It moved to a place for me to grieve. Now it is a place for me to vent, and let go, and just be for a while.
I don't know if I will ever make this back into a BDSM journal. I don't know if that is where I am headed. Right now, I just know what I put down is how I am feeling, and how I am doing. I am going to keep trying to keep Charlie stuff to his own journal. It is difficult since he and TJ are such big parts of my life.
I hope this is enough. It is for me.
Me, well, I am still surviving. I am working on little sleep. I have not had a chance to catch up on all the sleep I lost Saturday, Sunday and Monday nights. I will make it through. I always do.
Tomorrow is the anniversary of when I first started keeping an online "journal". It will be 7 years. This journal has gone through a lot of changes. It started out when I was with Mike and I needed a place to vent. It moved to a place for me to grieve. Now it is a place for me to vent, and let go, and just be for a while.
I don't know if I will ever make this back into a BDSM journal. I don't know if that is where I am headed. Right now, I just know what I put down is how I am feeling, and how I am doing. I am going to keep trying to keep Charlie stuff to his own journal. It is difficult since he and TJ are such big parts of my life.
I hope this is enough. It is for me.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Busy month and HAPPY!!!!!
OK. So a lot has gone on since the 31st of December, but I am only going to concentrate on one thing.
I GOT A DOG!!!!!!!
That is right. I now own a dog. A long time ago, I was allergic to dogs. When I had an allergy test done again for a food allergy diagnosis, they also tested me for cats and dogs and a few other mundane things. Well, the cat prick came back as sever. So no cats for me still. The dog test came back perfectly fine. Now I have kept this a secret, because TJ has wanted a dog for a long time, and I wasn't ready. He and I have talked about it more in the last year. He has known for a little bit, that I am not allergic to dogs.
Back in October, my "friend" (not anymore, and not really for a very long while) wanted to buy a puggle (part pug and part beagle). I drove her out to the person that was selling them, and drove the two of them home, and then went out with her to get supplies for the new puppy. She and her family of 3 kids and a "husband", plus his 2 kids named him Charlie.
I found out on the 16th, that she was trying to sell him, and had been trying since the beginning of the year. I was livid, and excited. I asked my Sis her opinion, and she said no. I asked my Dad his opinion, and he said no. I asked my Mom her opinion, and she said yes. My Mom actually said Yes! I talked to Karen, and she said yes. That was it. I said yes. On the 17th, I drove home after seeing Karen, stopped at my "friend's" place, asked if Charlie was still up for sale, told her I wanted him and off I was to the bank and then back to get the dog.
After getting him (and a receipt), I started working with him. He was a lot rowdy. He was aggressive. He was hard to relax. He had long claws. His last visit to the vet said his next appointment should have been on Dec. 29th. He was eating yucky food. He had been left in a cage or on the back deck. He had never been on a walk. He was hating the leash. He had two collars that did nothing to do for a correction. It turned out he was late for his last set of shots (due on the 29th, then changed to the 14th) and they never even cancelled or went to the appointment.
Since then, he is a much happier and healthier dog. He got a check up and his claws cut at the vet's on the 13th. He will go to the door when he needs to pee or poo. He knows how to sit and stay. He is a ball of energy, and I have found 2 ways to expel this pent up energy. I actually jog with him, or take him to my Mom and Dad's to use their backyard. I also am doing the "doggy boot camp" the vet recommended. He is an attention seeker, and we are curbing his choices of how to get attention. He has run of the house when it is only me and/or TJ home. He is on leash when Thelma is here. He is on leash for a lot of the time when Sis is here. Today he actually stayed off leash when my Dad came to get TJ. Even in that excitement, he was calm and would sit when told. He even stayed out and about when TJ went full blown and I had to sit on the floor and pay most of my attention to TJ. We still have problems with walking and him wanting to follow every scent in the world, but things are getting better.
Since being in my home, he is a well behaved 5 month old boy. We go for 2-3 walks a day when the MIT is not home from school. We go threw the "doggie boot camp" training at least once a day. His treats are ice cubes in his water bowl, and cut up carrots. When he is calm and relaxed, he gets petted and scratched. When he breaks a rule, his is ignored for a little bit. He is learning quickly. He is a joy to have around.
I GOT A DOG!!!!!!!
That is right. I now own a dog. A long time ago, I was allergic to dogs. When I had an allergy test done again for a food allergy diagnosis, they also tested me for cats and dogs and a few other mundane things. Well, the cat prick came back as sever. So no cats for me still. The dog test came back perfectly fine. Now I have kept this a secret, because TJ has wanted a dog for a long time, and I wasn't ready. He and I have talked about it more in the last year. He has known for a little bit, that I am not allergic to dogs.
Back in October, my "friend" (not anymore, and not really for a very long while) wanted to buy a puggle (part pug and part beagle). I drove her out to the person that was selling them, and drove the two of them home, and then went out with her to get supplies for the new puppy. She and her family of 3 kids and a "husband", plus his 2 kids named him Charlie.
I found out on the 16th, that she was trying to sell him, and had been trying since the beginning of the year. I was livid, and excited. I asked my Sis her opinion, and she said no. I asked my Dad his opinion, and he said no. I asked my Mom her opinion, and she said yes. My Mom actually said Yes! I talked to Karen, and she said yes. That was it. I said yes. On the 17th, I drove home after seeing Karen, stopped at my "friend's" place, asked if Charlie was still up for sale, told her I wanted him and off I was to the bank and then back to get the dog.
After getting him (and a receipt), I started working with him. He was a lot rowdy. He was aggressive. He was hard to relax. He had long claws. His last visit to the vet said his next appointment should have been on Dec. 29th. He was eating yucky food. He had been left in a cage or on the back deck. He had never been on a walk. He was hating the leash. He had two collars that did nothing to do for a correction. It turned out he was late for his last set of shots (due on the 29th, then changed to the 14th) and they never even cancelled or went to the appointment.
Since then, he is a much happier and healthier dog. He got a check up and his claws cut at the vet's on the 13th. He will go to the door when he needs to pee or poo. He knows how to sit and stay. He is a ball of energy, and I have found 2 ways to expel this pent up energy. I actually jog with him, or take him to my Mom and Dad's to use their backyard. I also am doing the "doggy boot camp" the vet recommended. He is an attention seeker, and we are curbing his choices of how to get attention. He has run of the house when it is only me and/or TJ home. He is on leash when Thelma is here. He is on leash for a lot of the time when Sis is here. Today he actually stayed off leash when my Dad came to get TJ. Even in that excitement, he was calm and would sit when told. He even stayed out and about when TJ went full blown and I had to sit on the floor and pay most of my attention to TJ. We still have problems with walking and him wanting to follow every scent in the world, but things are getting better.
Since being in my home, he is a well behaved 5 month old boy. We go for 2-3 walks a day when the MIT is not home from school. We go threw the "doggie boot camp" training at least once a day. His treats are ice cubes in his water bowl, and cut up carrots. When he is calm and relaxed, he gets petted and scratched. When he breaks a rule, his is ignored for a little bit. He is learning quickly. He is a joy to have around.
Wednesday, December 01, 2010
December 1st and hoping for a better time than last year.
Last year, I started getting the symptoms, of what turned out to be, Conversion Disorder. The stress was so much, that my brain told my body to stop working properly. My brain wanted me to pay attention to the fact that I was stressed, and had reached my breaking point, without me going completely insane.
This year, things are different. This year I am in special therapy. This year, my family knows better. This year, I have a coping plan. This year, I actually feel relaxed about everything. This year, I am looking forward, and not backwards.
I am "dating" more. I am actually putting myself out there, to others. I am opening up about how I feel and not just trying to block it all. I am meditating more. I am "in the moment" more. I am just more. I like it.
Sure finances suck. Sure I have to cut back on who I can give gifts to, and how much I can spend. Sure I could use more help around the house. Really, none of these things are anything to loose my head over.
Today I am decorating my house for the season. My altar is all green and ready. I want to go out and get holly and mistletoe sprigs. I want to go and get my wreaths for my doors. I am ready to decorate limes, lemons, and oranges. I just want to enjoy this season, and just be one with it.
Today I am smiling
This year, things are different. This year I am in special therapy. This year, my family knows better. This year, I have a coping plan. This year, I actually feel relaxed about everything. This year, I am looking forward, and not backwards.
I am "dating" more. I am actually putting myself out there, to others. I am opening up about how I feel and not just trying to block it all. I am meditating more. I am "in the moment" more. I am just more. I like it.
Sure finances suck. Sure I have to cut back on who I can give gifts to, and how much I can spend. Sure I could use more help around the house. Really, none of these things are anything to loose my head over.
Today I am decorating my house for the season. My altar is all green and ready. I want to go out and get holly and mistletoe sprigs. I want to go and get my wreaths for my doors. I am ready to decorate limes, lemons, and oranges. I just want to enjoy this season, and just be one with it.
Today I am smiling
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Tuesday roundup
So yesterday was a good day. TJ and I spent some quality time together. I didn't hear from Joseph, so I knew something was wrong. I gave myself a pampering by sitting out back, music blaring while reading my book. I am actually happy.
It has been a good week actually. Less frustration. Less back pain. Less maladaptive behaviour. Good all around good week. I keep living each moment at a time.It is as if, since meeting with the DBT therapist, I have been really conscious about my actions. Especially where TJ and Joseph are concerned.
With TJ, it is a big daily change. No yelling at him. I breath when I get frustrated. I turn my frustration into jokes or compromises. I take the time to sit and talk with him. We sit quietly watching shows and then talking during the commercials.
With Joseph, it is about communication. I talk about how I feel when he doesn't call me during the day. How I feel like he forgets about me, or is scared of talking to me when things go too good or too bad. I hear him when he tells me stuff, and have yet to pull the "It is your fault for not saying anything", instead of taking responsibility for my actions.
With family, I am still struggling. Karen and I had talked about "radically accepting" the fact that Cindy and TJ communicate in a weird, kind of bickering, way. Mom and TJ are no better. Thelma is also one I need to act that way with. I can't change how they all act towards one another. It is not my job to fix them, so I need to let it go. I am still learning. At least I haven't done anything to harm myself or my relationships.
I am keeping my altar nice. I still haven't written in my BOS. I haven't really done any meditation, or candle work or anything. My beliefs are always in my mind, but I can't seem to bring myself to practice, or pray even. It is like I can only concentrate on one thing at a time. Right now it is about getting better. Getting the tools to keep myself sane and out of the hospital.
Joseph and I are doing well. We have hit the 2 month mark (actually we hit if on Sunday). We love each other and are learning more and more about each other each day. We are each working on this relationship AS a relationship, and not just dating. We are taking the time to hear each other out. We are accepting each other's faults, and even music. We are taking care of each other. Me teaching him about his finances, and him helping me stay on my meal plan. The amount of food he leaves cooked when he leaves is astounding. this is a give and take relationship, not a give and give or take and take relationship.
So today, I am happy, TJ is happy, and Joseph is happy. Things are good. I am smiling.
It has been a good week actually. Less frustration. Less back pain. Less maladaptive behaviour. Good all around good week. I keep living each moment at a time.It is as if, since meeting with the DBT therapist, I have been really conscious about my actions. Especially where TJ and Joseph are concerned.
With TJ, it is a big daily change. No yelling at him. I breath when I get frustrated. I turn my frustration into jokes or compromises. I take the time to sit and talk with him. We sit quietly watching shows and then talking during the commercials.
With Joseph, it is about communication. I talk about how I feel when he doesn't call me during the day. How I feel like he forgets about me, or is scared of talking to me when things go too good or too bad. I hear him when he tells me stuff, and have yet to pull the "It is your fault for not saying anything", instead of taking responsibility for my actions.
With family, I am still struggling. Karen and I had talked about "radically accepting" the fact that Cindy and TJ communicate in a weird, kind of bickering, way. Mom and TJ are no better. Thelma is also one I need to act that way with. I can't change how they all act towards one another. It is not my job to fix them, so I need to let it go. I am still learning. At least I haven't done anything to harm myself or my relationships.
I am keeping my altar nice. I still haven't written in my BOS. I haven't really done any meditation, or candle work or anything. My beliefs are always in my mind, but I can't seem to bring myself to practice, or pray even. It is like I can only concentrate on one thing at a time. Right now it is about getting better. Getting the tools to keep myself sane and out of the hospital.
Joseph and I are doing well. We have hit the 2 month mark (actually we hit if on Sunday). We love each other and are learning more and more about each other each day. We are each working on this relationship AS a relationship, and not just dating. We are taking the time to hear each other out. We are accepting each other's faults, and even music. We are taking care of each other. Me teaching him about his finances, and him helping me stay on my meal plan. The amount of food he leaves cooked when he leaves is astounding. this is a give and take relationship, not a give and give or take and take relationship.
So today, I am happy, TJ is happy, and Joseph is happy. Things are good. I am smiling.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Not feeling good at all
I went to bed early and sick. I woke up late and sick. Seems like I may have the flu. "Runny poops", nausea, stiff muscles, head ache, sweats and chills with an over all feeling of sick. My Sis is the one that said it sounds like the flu. All I know is that I feel like crap and wish I could just stay in bed and sleep whatever this is off. Then again, I am a Mom, so that is impossible. Sis helped by bringing TJ over breakfast. Now I am up, and trying not to toss cookies. I have a sink full of dishes and a few things to cook up today. Other than that, I am going to take it easy as much as possible. TJ is helping out with that as much as he can.
The weekend went well. Joseph and I went for drives. He cooked for me. He made sure I actually ate, and have food left over for the week. I have BBQ'ed ribs, chicken and steak ready to be heated up and eaten. I am well prepared for the week ahead, if only I actually didn't look at food and heave. LOL.
He will be back this weekend. Arriving on Friday and leaving early on Sunday. Sunday we are celebrating Sis's birthday, and she doesn't want him there. I understand. Her birthday is about her and not my boyfriend meeting more family.
Wicca and therapy were brush away for the weekend. Most of the time was spent enjoying each moment. On walks I would find little things that I wanted to keep to remind me about the time outside. I got a few rocks, and an interesting "flower". They are now on my alter. A symbol of the season and of what I am drawn too.
Hopefully I will feel better soon. I will do the dishes. I will cook up the mushrooms and onions. I will, no matter how I feel today, be the good Mom and do what needs to be done.
The weekend went well. Joseph and I went for drives. He cooked for me. He made sure I actually ate, and have food left over for the week. I have BBQ'ed ribs, chicken and steak ready to be heated up and eaten. I am well prepared for the week ahead, if only I actually didn't look at food and heave. LOL.
He will be back this weekend. Arriving on Friday and leaving early on Sunday. Sunday we are celebrating Sis's birthday, and she doesn't want him there. I understand. Her birthday is about her and not my boyfriend meeting more family.
Wicca and therapy were brush away for the weekend. Most of the time was spent enjoying each moment. On walks I would find little things that I wanted to keep to remind me about the time outside. I got a few rocks, and an interesting "flower". They are now on my alter. A symbol of the season and of what I am drawn too.
Hopefully I will feel better soon. I will do the dishes. I will cook up the mushrooms and onions. I will, no matter how I feel today, be the good Mom and do what needs to be done.
Sunday, August 08, 2010
A change in this journal
3 things are going to be changing in this journal.
1st - This is now a journal about my "normal" relationship, family, friends, and how the three are meeting each other and how my life is becoming more full.
2nd - More Pagan / Wicca enteries. More about my beliefs and how I express them. More pictures of my altar and my gardens.
3rd - My new therapy. A lot of entries about DBT will be coming up as I change therapists and learn new ways of dealing with my stressors and such.
I hope that those who already follow my thoughts, continue to. I also hope that others will join in reading about my life, my beliefs and my experiences.
Welcome to Ljouney's Travels, the continuing saga of my life.
1st - This is now a journal about my "normal" relationship, family, friends, and how the three are meeting each other and how my life is becoming more full.
2nd - More Pagan / Wicca enteries. More about my beliefs and how I express them. More pictures of my altar and my gardens.
3rd - My new therapy. A lot of entries about DBT will be coming up as I change therapists and learn new ways of dealing with my stressors and such.
I hope that those who already follow my thoughts, continue to. I also hope that others will join in reading about my life, my beliefs and my experiences.
Welcome to Ljouney's Travels, the continuing saga of my life.
Sunday, November 01, 2009
November 1st
Samhain has come and gone. i actually had a really good time this year. Like last year, i was surrounded by friends and family. Unlike last year, D wasn't there. i know how much i miss her. i can't imagine how much E is missing her. Samhain is a time when you invite your ancestors to your table, and say goodbye to those who have gone before you. It is both a happy time, and a sad time.
The MIT has been getting more fragile. He is waisting away. He is giving up. All i could think about (other than missing D and finally being reunited with L and her girls) was that soon, sooner rather than later, the MIT's picture will be on the altar. We will be wishing Him a happy journey, and supposed to be comforted that He will be waiting for me. i got myself into so much of a funk last night, that i had to leave early.
i want to fix Him. i want to be able to put that will to be involved and happy into Him. i want to make life OK for Him. i know i can't, and that is killing me inside.
Time to go back to my room and hide again.
The MIT has been getting more fragile. He is waisting away. He is giving up. All i could think about (other than missing D and finally being reunited with L and her girls) was that soon, sooner rather than later, the MIT's picture will be on the altar. We will be wishing Him a happy journey, and supposed to be comforted that He will be waiting for me. i got myself into so much of a funk last night, that i had to leave early.
i want to fix Him. i want to be able to put that will to be involved and happy into Him. i want to make life OK for Him. i know i can't, and that is killing me inside.
Time to go back to my room and hide again.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Things that make me go hmmmmmm.
Last night, my Sis and her friend (calling her R) took me to a strip club in Niagara Falls. It isn't the first time they have taken me. It has been a very long time. This time i wasn't the DD (designated driver) so i was able to drink. Drinking is what i did.
i had 8 Bacardi Breezers (orange) and 7 shooters. 4 were Goldschlager. i have no idea what the other 3 were. i can tell you what it tasted like coming up at 5:30 am, but other than that, no idea. Man was i drunk. i could still walk a straight line. i could still talk ok. i just knew i was very drunk, my nose was numb, as were my legs.
i don't find the strippers very appealing. Some, sure. Most are young and don't know how to move. The older one caught my attention, but it was short lived. What did catch my eye, was two waiters. The one, much younger than myself, and short, and had a nice chest. He walked around shirtless, and let me take shooters from his belt. LOL. The other, was older. Cute in a different sort of way. Shirt on the entire time. Him i would have loved to take home.
Well, i found out that R was going to ask him for his number for me. So, to avert that little high school like situation, i told him what was going to happen, and told him it was ok to just give her a fake number. He surprised me. He wanted to know why he would do that, and that he would just give it to me himself. And, he did.
So here i sit. Sober. With a phone number to a waiter, whose name i didn't know until he wrote it on the paper with his number, and no idea when or if to call him.
ARRRRGGGG
i had 8 Bacardi Breezers (orange) and 7 shooters. 4 were Goldschlager. i have no idea what the other 3 were. i can tell you what it tasted like coming up at 5:30 am, but other than that, no idea. Man was i drunk. i could still walk a straight line. i could still talk ok. i just knew i was very drunk, my nose was numb, as were my legs.
i don't find the strippers very appealing. Some, sure. Most are young and don't know how to move. The older one caught my attention, but it was short lived. What did catch my eye, was two waiters. The one, much younger than myself, and short, and had a nice chest. He walked around shirtless, and let me take shooters from his belt. LOL. The other, was older. Cute in a different sort of way. Shirt on the entire time. Him i would have loved to take home.
Well, i found out that R was going to ask him for his number for me. So, to avert that little high school like situation, i told him what was going to happen, and told him it was ok to just give her a fake number. He surprised me. He wanted to know why he would do that, and that he would just give it to me himself. And, he did.
So here i sit. Sober. With a phone number to a waiter, whose name i didn't know until he wrote it on the paper with his number, and no idea when or if to call him.
ARRRRGGGG
Thursday, October 08, 2009
Time to breathe
So, P is good. He is out of the hospital. Tests came back fine. Has follow-ups and stuff, but for now, all is good.
Dad is good. He saw the doctor today, and gave them blood. Blood pressure is much better. Has more follow-ups, but for now, all is good.
MIT is a teen. He hurt me the other day. Head-butted me badly. i still have a goose-egg on my forehead from it. 8pm bedtimes for 3 weeks.
Now for me. i want back. i am ready. i want pain. i want to serve. i want to submit. All good things to say, but not the way to say it. i am ready for pain. i am ready to serve. i am ready to submit. That is better. It doesn't matter what i want, just that i am ready for it again. Yes hanging out with P and K and L and E and B helped prompt it out of me again. That isn't a bad thing. It feels like home when i am like that with them.
So yes, i am ready. In safe places. With safe people. People i trust and know. People i love and who love me. Yes i know i will end up going home alone. Yes i may feel like an extra sometimes. It doesn't matter.
i am ready.
This weekend is Thanksgiving. Next weekend is the MIT to Rygiel (weekend off). The next weekend, after that, is camping with Dad, the MIT, and me. My ways to relax. Now, what kind of trouble can i get into this weekend??
Dad is good. He saw the doctor today, and gave them blood. Blood pressure is much better. Has more follow-ups, but for now, all is good.
MIT is a teen. He hurt me the other day. Head-butted me badly. i still have a goose-egg on my forehead from it. 8pm bedtimes for 3 weeks.
Now for me. i want back. i am ready. i want pain. i want to serve. i want to submit. All good things to say, but not the way to say it. i am ready for pain. i am ready to serve. i am ready to submit. That is better. It doesn't matter what i want, just that i am ready for it again. Yes hanging out with P and K and L and E and B helped prompt it out of me again. That isn't a bad thing. It feels like home when i am like that with them.
So yes, i am ready. In safe places. With safe people. People i trust and know. People i love and who love me. Yes i know i will end up going home alone. Yes i may feel like an extra sometimes. It doesn't matter.
i am ready.
This weekend is Thanksgiving. Next weekend is the MIT to Rygiel (weekend off). The next weekend, after that, is camping with Dad, the MIT, and me. My ways to relax. Now, what kind of trouble can i get into this weekend??
Sunday, October 04, 2009
Another One
First my Dad, and now P. Both cardiac issues. Both had/getting angiograms. Both getting wake-up calls. i am doing what i can, but, as per who i am, i am letting them guide me. They get to call, or ask, and i am right there. If they are overwhelmed, i stay back.
Last night i stayed at E's. Well, really, i spent the day and night and part of today there. Who ever thought cookies needed to be baked after mid-night didn't realize the ramifications. LOL. Then staying up talking to 5, while interesting and entertaining, was not the brightest of ideas. LOL.
i want to fix it. i want to be at the hospital with E, and with L, and with K when the surgery is going on. No, i am not all healthy, but still. The MIT will be back at school tomorrow. He is healthy now. That means i have the time. That means i am free to be with them all.
i just called. i told E i want to be there tomorrow. She said yes. i am going to go and hang out at her place with K and L. Baby Bear will be coming, and E is telling Lucy. i even get to give E a wake-up call at 6am. i have also arranged for Sis to get the MIT off His bus after school because P's procedure isn't booked until 2, and i want to be there to hear He is ok.
So, now that all has been arranged, i am off to bed so i can be up and ready for the day with bright eyes.
Last night i stayed at E's. Well, really, i spent the day and night and part of today there. Who ever thought cookies needed to be baked after mid-night didn't realize the ramifications. LOL. Then staying up talking to 5, while interesting and entertaining, was not the brightest of ideas. LOL.
i want to fix it. i want to be at the hospital with E, and with L, and with K when the surgery is going on. No, i am not all healthy, but still. The MIT will be back at school tomorrow. He is healthy now. That means i have the time. That means i am free to be with them all.
i just called. i told E i want to be there tomorrow. She said yes. i am going to go and hang out at her place with K and L. Baby Bear will be coming, and E is telling Lucy. i even get to give E a wake-up call at 6am. i have also arranged for Sis to get the MIT off His bus after school because P's procedure isn't booked until 2, and i want to be there to hear He is ok.
So, now that all has been arranged, i am off to bed so i can be up and ready for the day with bright eyes.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Sick, and other stuff
The MIT has been sick since we returned from camping. i sent Him to school on the Monday and the Tuesday, but then He was getting worse, so i have kept Him home since. He was much better on Friday, before He went to Rygiel, but came home sicker (is that a real word?). Usually He arrives at Rygiel perfectly well and comes home sick. i thought maybe it would work the opposite way this time, but i was wrong. So here i sit. Home with the MIT. Sick, myself. At least we got the all clear from the doctor saying it is just a cold.
i have decided to be a role model for my Dad. i have got to get back on the horse in keeping my blood sugars normal. Got to. How can i tell my Dad what to do, when i am doing the complete opposite? Yesterday was grocery shopping, and i have so much healthy food in the house, it is ridiculous. Yes there are treats for the MIT, but i am going to make myself stay away from them. i even have yogurt for me for my night time snack. Raspberry and dragon fruit is yummy. Today i was good and actually had breakfast. Egg and toast. Maybe if i eat all day (portion sizes and stuff) i won't feel so famished at night. That is a huge goal for me. i am even putting up my little post-it notes in the kitchen and around the house. "Eat breakfast", " Lunch at 1:00", "No snacking after 9:00", and my favourite "Follow YOUR plan!!!". Adding to all this, the keeping up on taking my meds (when i have them) and making sure i always have them. Plus there is the checking of the blood sugars. Time to kick it up a notch. i may even join the Y and get some exercise in. That would be a big help. There are some programs i am interested in. i just need to try them, so i can actually see if i can do them. This is where my Sis's membership will come in handy. She can let me join a few classes for a free trial before i decide what it is i want to participate in.
i am missing Thistle. She was cute and calming to me. i could just sit and hold her for hours. i want a hedgehog so badly. i have made a deal with my Sis, that once i am approved for ODSP, i can get one. i am going to get a male and E and i are going to breed them. Mine will be registered, so that can add to the value of the babies. i just have to find a registered breeder, and get the supplies, and then off we can go. Some research is involved, but i am up for it. Who knows, i may just end up with a clan of them.
i have decided to be a role model for my Dad. i have got to get back on the horse in keeping my blood sugars normal. Got to. How can i tell my Dad what to do, when i am doing the complete opposite? Yesterday was grocery shopping, and i have so much healthy food in the house, it is ridiculous. Yes there are treats for the MIT, but i am going to make myself stay away from them. i even have yogurt for me for my night time snack. Raspberry and dragon fruit is yummy. Today i was good and actually had breakfast. Egg and toast. Maybe if i eat all day (portion sizes and stuff) i won't feel so famished at night. That is a huge goal for me. i am even putting up my little post-it notes in the kitchen and around the house. "Eat breakfast", " Lunch at 1:00", "No snacking after 9:00", and my favourite "Follow YOUR plan!!!". Adding to all this, the keeping up on taking my meds (when i have them) and making sure i always have them. Plus there is the checking of the blood sugars. Time to kick it up a notch. i may even join the Y and get some exercise in. That would be a big help. There are some programs i am interested in. i just need to try them, so i can actually see if i can do them. This is where my Sis's membership will come in handy. She can let me join a few classes for a free trial before i decide what it is i want to participate in.
i am missing Thistle. She was cute and calming to me. i could just sit and hold her for hours. i want a hedgehog so badly. i have made a deal with my Sis, that once i am approved for ODSP, i can get one. i am going to get a male and E and i are going to breed them. Mine will be registered, so that can add to the value of the babies. i just have to find a registered breeder, and get the supplies, and then off we can go. Some research is involved, but i am up for it. Who knows, i may just end up with a clan of them.
L and i have reconnected. i am not going to let that friendship go. i will be emailing her, or calling her once a week. Same as i do with P. They can be so controlling LOL. That is partly why i love them both. It is nice and comforting to have my family back together. Now to get us all back in the same room at the same time.
Today is forms and deadlines. i have my "income assessment" for my housing to hand in today. i have meds to pickup. i have my gas bill to hand into OW to increase my check (they took off $100 because of my van). The increase will only be about $20, but everything helps.
Wow, this bdsm journal sure has nothing to do with bdsm. It hasn't for a while. Then again, that is where my life is right now. BDMS, not a priority. Getting my life somewhat normal is. You can't give over control of something you don't already have control over. That is what i am working on. Getting control of my life (where i can) so that when i find One that can handle me (LOL), i have my life under enough control, that giving over some of it, is a true symbol of my submission.
Well, time to go to the drug store, and then home to take meds.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Dad, MIT, and Adventures
So Dad is fine. Well, not really but yes. He had an angiogram, and it came back normal. No blockages, not to much plaque, no issues that needed to be addressed. So he was discharged on Wednesday. He is diabetic (type 2), but he won't acknowledge it. He does have high blood pressure, but he won't acknowledge it. He has heart damage (it only is working at 65%), but he won't acknowledge it. So what do we do this weekend?
We go camping!!!!!
Yes i took Dad, and the MIT camping again. Dad was on restrictions on what he was allowed to do, but didn't stick to them, and i didn't smother him. i would ask how he was feeling when he looked pale. i would check his blood sugars in the morning, or when he felt faint. i let him try to listen to his body. That is the only way he will learn. i also allowed him and the MIT to gang up on me and boss me around a little.
i also controlled what we all ate. i made sure it was all healthy, and included lots of veggies, and had moderate amounts of carbs. Of course i also made sure everyone took their meds when they were supposed to.
Yes it was stressful, but it was also fun and to me, curiously enough, relaxing. i still say we needed more fire wood. i will make sure we have enough next time.
Today is laundry and dishes day. Plus, i get to take a splinter out of my leg. Other than that, enjoy the quiet while the MIT is at school.
Happy Mabon. i will be doing a little ritual tonight, and will be serving stew (celebrating the harvest of root veggies and squash and "fall veggies"), apple crisp, and whole grain bread. Plus i will be making a fire in my BBQ again. i really love this time of year.
We go camping!!!!!
Yes i took Dad, and the MIT camping again. Dad was on restrictions on what he was allowed to do, but didn't stick to them, and i didn't smother him. i would ask how he was feeling when he looked pale. i would check his blood sugars in the morning, or when he felt faint. i let him try to listen to his body. That is the only way he will learn. i also allowed him and the MIT to gang up on me and boss me around a little.
i also controlled what we all ate. i made sure it was all healthy, and included lots of veggies, and had moderate amounts of carbs. Of course i also made sure everyone took their meds when they were supposed to.
Yes it was stressful, but it was also fun and to me, curiously enough, relaxing. i still say we needed more fire wood. i will make sure we have enough next time.
Today is laundry and dishes day. Plus, i get to take a splinter out of my leg. Other than that, enjoy the quiet while the MIT is at school.
Happy Mabon. i will be doing a little ritual tonight, and will be serving stew (celebrating the harvest of root veggies and squash and "fall veggies"), apple crisp, and whole grain bread. Plus i will be making a fire in my BBQ again. i really love this time of year.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Dad update
Well, Dad is stable. Sort of. His blood pressure is still fluctuating. His legs are still swollen. He still gets winded easily. At least he is out of emerg. and in a room in the day surgery ward. No TV or phone for him, but access to the smoking area.
The MIT has gone with Mom. She will be keeping Him tonight. Now i get to fall to pieces.
i am so scared. i don't want to loose my Daddy. i don't like him being old. i don't like him being sick. i don't like worrying about him. i don't know what will happen with the MIT if Dad dies. They are so close. i don't think He can handle that amount of loss. Then again, i don't know if I can handle that amount of loss.
i haven't been vomiting. i think my brain told my body it had to get better so i can go and see him. i am scared to go and see him. i don't want to see him in a hospital bed. i don't want to see him hooked up to monitors.
He will be in for a while. They will be starting testing on Monday. Checking his heart, veins flow, arterial flow. Those sort of things. i may have to cancel the camping trip we have scheduled for this coming weekend. He told me on the phone not to cancel it. Mom says he is to stay there and take all the tests no matter how long it takes, or until the staff kick him out for being a pain in the ass.
i just need to go and cry for a while. Just let out this fear and then go and visit him. It has to be before 8. That is when hours are over. i may even find a way to stay the night with him. Go out for smokes with him.
So off i go. To hide and cry and panic for a little while. Then put on my Advocate face and go see him.
The MIT has gone with Mom. She will be keeping Him tonight. Now i get to fall to pieces.
i am so scared. i don't want to loose my Daddy. i don't like him being old. i don't like him being sick. i don't like worrying about him. i don't know what will happen with the MIT if Dad dies. They are so close. i don't think He can handle that amount of loss. Then again, i don't know if I can handle that amount of loss.
i haven't been vomiting. i think my brain told my body it had to get better so i can go and see him. i am scared to go and see him. i don't want to see him in a hospital bed. i don't want to see him hooked up to monitors.
He will be in for a while. They will be starting testing on Monday. Checking his heart, veins flow, arterial flow. Those sort of things. i may have to cancel the camping trip we have scheduled for this coming weekend. He told me on the phone not to cancel it. Mom says he is to stay there and take all the tests no matter how long it takes, or until the staff kick him out for being a pain in the ass.
i just need to go and cry for a while. Just let out this fear and then go and visit him. It has to be before 8. That is when hours are over. i may even find a way to stay the night with him. Go out for smokes with him.
So off i go. To hide and cry and panic for a little while. Then put on my Advocate face and go see him.
Realizing parents get old
For the last few weeks, my Dad hasn't been feeling well. He wouldn't go to the doctor. He hasn't gone to one in 8 years. Thursday night, my Dad told my Mom to make an appointment with the doctor for him. Damn, he must have been feeling really bad.
At the doctor's, they found out that his blood pressure was dangerously high (288/172), his legs were swollen, and he has been feeling light headed. The doctor sent him directly to the hospital. They processed him immediately (the doctor had called ahead). The results?
Dad will be in the hospital for a little bit. He needs his blood pressure to come down. He had a heart attack in the last 24 hours. There may be damage to his heart, but don't know how much.
It isn't often i feel helpless. This is one of them. See, i am sick. i have been vomiting, and nauseous for the last 2 days. i just forced myself to eat something to make sure i won't throw up. If i don't throw up, i am going to go and see him. i am going to get answers i need. i am going to check him all over myself, just to make sure he is being treated well.
Logically, i know my Dad is getting older, and health problems should be expected. Emotionally, he is my Daddy. He never gets sick. He can handle anything. He is like superman.
Me? i am feeling like Daddy's little girl that needs him to tell me everything will be alright and fine, and nothing bad will happen.
At the doctor's, they found out that his blood pressure was dangerously high (288/172), his legs were swollen, and he has been feeling light headed. The doctor sent him directly to the hospital. They processed him immediately (the doctor had called ahead). The results?
Dad will be in the hospital for a little bit. He needs his blood pressure to come down. He had a heart attack in the last 24 hours. There may be damage to his heart, but don't know how much.
It isn't often i feel helpless. This is one of them. See, i am sick. i have been vomiting, and nauseous for the last 2 days. i just forced myself to eat something to make sure i won't throw up. If i don't throw up, i am going to go and see him. i am going to get answers i need. i am going to check him all over myself, just to make sure he is being treated well.
Logically, i know my Dad is getting older, and health problems should be expected. Emotionally, he is my Daddy. He never gets sick. He can handle anything. He is like superman.
Me? i am feeling like Daddy's little girl that needs him to tell me everything will be alright and fine, and nothing bad will happen.
Friday, January 16, 2009
So today....
i did spend the entire hour with Sandy crying. i cried about needing to make D warm. i cried about missing her. i cried about crying. i cried about the tape that is playing in my head. She wanted to analyze that "tape" but i told her i just wanted to feel. i just wanted to feel sad, helpless, angry, worried, sad. First time i have ever just wanted to feel while i was there. First time i wanted to cry the entire time. First time i initiated just wanting to feel something without my head getting in the way.
We also, at the end of the hour, talked about expectations about Sunday. Expectations for myself and for others.
For myself, i expect to act mature. i expect to cry when i am feeling sad. i expect to be helpful when needed. i expect to blend into the background a little. i expect to say "she was well loved". i expect to help others feel what they need to feel, without putting my feelings in front of theirs.
For others, well, i expect others to swoop in and try to take control. i expect others to put themselves ahead of anyone else. i expect others to need to hear "it is ok". i expect others to say "i am so sorry". i expect others to need to be supportive.
So, since the MIT is now at respite, i am going to go and take my meds, make Baby Bear a tie, and go to bed. i am going to sleep in a little. i will do the last minute stuff P&E need me to do. i will print out stuff, cut stuff, pickup stuff. i will be a phone call away. i will also just sit, and prepare myself to go to the memorial tomorrow, by myself.
We also, at the end of the hour, talked about expectations about Sunday. Expectations for myself and for others.
For myself, i expect to act mature. i expect to cry when i am feeling sad. i expect to be helpful when needed. i expect to blend into the background a little. i expect to say "she was well loved". i expect to help others feel what they need to feel, without putting my feelings in front of theirs.
For others, well, i expect others to swoop in and try to take control. i expect others to put themselves ahead of anyone else. i expect others to need to hear "it is ok". i expect others to say "i am so sorry". i expect others to need to be supportive.
So, since the MIT is now at respite, i am going to go and take my meds, make Baby Bear a tie, and go to bed. i am going to sleep in a little. i will do the last minute stuff P&E need me to do. i will print out stuff, cut stuff, pickup stuff. i will be a phone call away. i will also just sit, and prepare myself to go to the memorial tomorrow, by myself.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Tomorrow and things to come.
Tomorrow is therapy day. Other than here, i haven't really talked about how i am feeling. i don't think i can yet. i am hoping, once i am there, i will be able too. It is a safe place. It is somewhere i can let go of the grief and anger and guilt. Someplace safe to let out as much as i can before Sunday.
Sunday is going to be hard for so many reasons. The biggest is that i am going to be saying more goodbyes to a really good friend.
i am going to miss D. She would talk about things no one else would with me. She would listen to things i wouldn't share with anyone else. Even from the beginning. She could make me laugh. She could make me blush. She could make me feel comfortable in an uncomfortable situation. Sunday is going to be an uncomfortable situation. She would make it all better if she was there.
i will be surrounded by her family, people i don't know, people i have only met once or twice, people who at odds with me. Part of me doesn't want to go. i am going to feel so out of place. There will be enough people around E, P, T and C, be there for them, that i could justify to myself that i won't be needed. Hell, i am good at avoiding uncomfortable situations.
Instead, i am going to go. i am going to go for me. i am going to go and feel D's arm around my shoulder. i am going to go and stay in the background. i am going to go and, if i need to, i am going to cry. i am going to go and feel her hands in mine. i am going to go and remember all we talked about in the last week of her life. i am going to go and say my goodbyes to her and be there for her daughter, her grandchildren, and her son-in-law. i am going to go and be there for myself.
Sunday is going to be hard for so many reasons. The biggest is that i am going to be saying more goodbyes to a really good friend.
i am going to miss D. She would talk about things no one else would with me. She would listen to things i wouldn't share with anyone else. Even from the beginning. She could make me laugh. She could make me blush. She could make me feel comfortable in an uncomfortable situation. Sunday is going to be an uncomfortable situation. She would make it all better if she was there.
i will be surrounded by her family, people i don't know, people i have only met once or twice, people who at odds with me. Part of me doesn't want to go. i am going to feel so out of place. There will be enough people around E, P, T and C, be there for them, that i could justify to myself that i won't be needed. Hell, i am good at avoiding uncomfortable situations.
Instead, i am going to go. i am going to go for me. i am going to go and feel D's arm around my shoulder. i am going to go and stay in the background. i am going to go and, if i need to, i am going to cry. i am going to go and feel her hands in mine. i am going to go and remember all we talked about in the last week of her life. i am going to go and say my goodbyes to her and be there for her daughter, her grandchildren, and her son-in-law. i am going to go and be there for myself.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
What to do with myself?
Normally i would have been at the hospice the last two mornings. Normally i would be coaxing D to eat breakfast, then lunch. We had started watching DVD's together. We had planned to watch Prince Caspian this week. She was looking forward to Eggs Benedict on Wednesday. Maybe i will make it for myself, in her honour.
Instead of that, i am helping where i can with the arrangements. i am in contact with someone about the memorial candle. i will be picking it up on Friday. i have to pick out an outfit D would like, and would be appropriate to be seen by her family. i don't have the money to get something new, so it is time to search the closet again. What i wear on Sunday will be different on Monday. Monday will be piles of clothes. Sunday will be for and inside affair.
i have made arrangements for the MIT's care while i am at the services. He isn't ready to admit it has happened. 3 deaths in less than a month, for him, is too many. He is having a hard time wrapping His head around it. He will say goodbye in His own way, eventually.
me? i will grieve as it comes. i am finding the grief of loosing Mike has gotten stronger, as the grief of loosing D is hitting me. i am scheduling my grieving time for when the MIT isn't here. Tonight i will be cooking for myself, and lying in bed, reading the book i was going to read to D. Candles will be lit. i will be wrapping myself up in her shawl. i will probably cry. i will allow myself to feel what i need to feel.
Instead of that, i am helping where i can with the arrangements. i am in contact with someone about the memorial candle. i will be picking it up on Friday. i have to pick out an outfit D would like, and would be appropriate to be seen by her family. i don't have the money to get something new, so it is time to search the closet again. What i wear on Sunday will be different on Monday. Monday will be piles of clothes. Sunday will be for and inside affair.
i have made arrangements for the MIT's care while i am at the services. He isn't ready to admit it has happened. 3 deaths in less than a month, for him, is too many. He is having a hard time wrapping His head around it. He will say goodbye in His own way, eventually.
me? i will grieve as it comes. i am finding the grief of loosing Mike has gotten stronger, as the grief of loosing D is hitting me. i am scheduling my grieving time for when the MIT isn't here. Tonight i will be cooking for myself, and lying in bed, reading the book i was going to read to D. Candles will be lit. i will be wrapping myself up in her shawl. i will probably cry. i will allow myself to feel what i need to feel.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
What to say?
i don't know what to say. D died early this morning. i am going to really miss her. She was a special person that raised 2 special people.
They let me be there yesterday. They had gotten the call that she was non-responsive. They thought she had seized during the night. She couldn't be woken. They called me. i was the first to arrive. We talked for a little while. They arrived next. We spent a great deal of time with her. We talked about what we were seeing. We talked about things that had happened. We talked about the cardinals at the bird feeder again. We watched the crows arrived and leave again. Different family arrived. They all needed time to be with her. E had me leave about 8 hours later, so i could sleep, for later happening.
They called at 3:30 this morning. She was gone. i went. The candle was lit. i used to find comfort in that candle. Today i found only tears and anger. We all hugged. We all cried. They needed to leave, to be with the kids, to explain (how do you explain) what happened. i could do something for all of them, and myself, that they just couldn't do. i packed up everything. i stayed with her until she was taken away. 9 1/2 hours waiting for her shell to be taken away. About 7 of those hours i spent alone with her.
During those hours, i talked to her. i removed her jewelery. i stroked her hand. i told her how much stuff she had. i complained about having to pack up so much stuff. my Sis came over and helped pack the van. i made Sis leave after that. i needed time alone with her. i told her when i was going out for a smoke. i would kiss her forehead every time i left the room, telling her i would be right back. She got colder with every kiss. At one point, all i wanted to do was warm her up. i tried putting blankets on her. i wanted to put her favourite hat on her. i just wanted her warm again. i cleaned the room, knowing how she wouldn't like it all messy when she was leaving. i thought of putting make-up on her, to make her look pretty. i thought about doing her nails. She loved to have her nails done. i removed the bandages from her elbows. She didn't need anyone seeing those. She hated having them on. i sat beside her and cried. i sat beside her and talked. i sat beside her and told her about the acrobatic squirrel that was back. i kept the shades open so she could feel the warmth of the sun on her body. i stayed until the funeral home came to take her away.
The staff let me be. They let me do what i needed to do. They let me talk to them when i needed to talk, ask questions, be proud of her. Some who knew her really well, and had met me on the days i was there, with her, hugged me. Even told me to hug them. But most of all, they let me be alone with her.
i know it wasn't her there. i know it was just the shell of her. i know it didn't make any real sense to be so worried about what i was saying to her, or how she looked, or about how cold she was. i know she wasn't there to chastise me for not wearing a coat when i went out for a smoke, but i wore one anyways. i know she wasn't there to make sure i ate breakfast, but i did anyways.
They would say i was helping them. They would say that they just couldn't do what i was doing. i say they were helping me. i say they let me grieve in a way i needed to. i say they let me do what i needed to do. i say they helped me more than i helped them.
i just couldn't leave her by herself without someone that loved her next to her. That is really why i couldn't leave. i needed her to not be alone. i needed to not be alone.
There should have been cardinals.
They let me be there yesterday. They had gotten the call that she was non-responsive. They thought she had seized during the night. She couldn't be woken. They called me. i was the first to arrive. We talked for a little while. They arrived next. We spent a great deal of time with her. We talked about what we were seeing. We talked about things that had happened. We talked about the cardinals at the bird feeder again. We watched the crows arrived and leave again. Different family arrived. They all needed time to be with her. E had me leave about 8 hours later, so i could sleep, for later happening.
They called at 3:30 this morning. She was gone. i went. The candle was lit. i used to find comfort in that candle. Today i found only tears and anger. We all hugged. We all cried. They needed to leave, to be with the kids, to explain (how do you explain) what happened. i could do something for all of them, and myself, that they just couldn't do. i packed up everything. i stayed with her until she was taken away. 9 1/2 hours waiting for her shell to be taken away. About 7 of those hours i spent alone with her.
During those hours, i talked to her. i removed her jewelery. i stroked her hand. i told her how much stuff she had. i complained about having to pack up so much stuff. my Sis came over and helped pack the van. i made Sis leave after that. i needed time alone with her. i told her when i was going out for a smoke. i would kiss her forehead every time i left the room, telling her i would be right back. She got colder with every kiss. At one point, all i wanted to do was warm her up. i tried putting blankets on her. i wanted to put her favourite hat on her. i just wanted her warm again. i cleaned the room, knowing how she wouldn't like it all messy when she was leaving. i thought of putting make-up on her, to make her look pretty. i thought about doing her nails. She loved to have her nails done. i removed the bandages from her elbows. She didn't need anyone seeing those. She hated having them on. i sat beside her and cried. i sat beside her and talked. i sat beside her and told her about the acrobatic squirrel that was back. i kept the shades open so she could feel the warmth of the sun on her body. i stayed until the funeral home came to take her away.
The staff let me be. They let me do what i needed to do. They let me talk to them when i needed to talk, ask questions, be proud of her. Some who knew her really well, and had met me on the days i was there, with her, hugged me. Even told me to hug them. But most of all, they let me be alone with her.
i know it wasn't her there. i know it was just the shell of her. i know it didn't make any real sense to be so worried about what i was saying to her, or how she looked, or about how cold she was. i know she wasn't there to chastise me for not wearing a coat when i went out for a smoke, but i wore one anyways. i know she wasn't there to make sure i ate breakfast, but i did anyways.
They would say i was helping them. They would say that they just couldn't do what i was doing. i say they were helping me. i say they let me grieve in a way i needed to. i say they let me do what i needed to do. i say they helped me more than i helped them.
i just couldn't leave her by herself without someone that loved her next to her. That is really why i couldn't leave. i needed her to not be alone. i needed to not be alone.
There should have been cardinals.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Finally over
i am happy to report that yesterday is over. i survived. i am still in the same mood as i was before it all started. Depressed. Wanting to hide. Tired. The doctor had increased one of my drugs, and it seems to be helping. Well, helping the panic attacks. It makes me more tired, and just more of the not caring. At least i was calm.
Eve - The MIT went to church with my Mom and Dad. He chose to dress up. He wore the red dress shirt that L&D had given Him last year. He chose to wear black pants (not green) and he chose to wear a Christmas tie. Once He left, i had to force myself into wrapping gifts. i just couldn't find it in me to actually want to do it. i had to do it. i needed to get it done. So i did. grudgingly. i put on a happy face, setting up the cookies, eggnog, and carrots for Santa's visit. (yes my 16 year old still believes. i am a lucky Mom). After the MIT went to bed, i actually wrapped and set-up under the tree, and hung the stockings with care. i finally made it to bed about 2am
Day - i do didn't want to do this. i put off the MIT about opening gifts. He had woken at 4, and i kept Him from hitting the living room until 6:00. We opened gifts together. i took pictures. He took pictures. He totally enjoyed the fact that Santa stole a hedgehog from me. He loved the fact that we found a carrot outside partially eaten. It was a good time. Santa out shone me on one gift. It was fun playing that up. The MIT left for church, dressed in His regular red and green. i was supposed to wrap 2 family gifts. i was supposed to start on the turkey. i had no aluminum wrap. No starting the turkey for me. i went back to sleep. i got a call from my Mom telling me to get up, and get moving on preparing the turkey and having a shower. Eventually i did just that. They all showed up at noon. Food, aluminum wrap, and presents all in toe. i wrapped up the turkey and put it in the oven, hoping 4 hours was good enough.
It was present time. i had Sis wrap Mom's gift, and also her own, since i just couldn't bring myself to do it. i got stuff. Sis got stuff. Dad got stuff. Mom got stuff. Nana and Auntie showed up, and more gifts were exchanged. Mom eventually sent me to bed once Nana, Auntie and Sis had to leave. i got to sleep for an hour. When i got up, the turkey was done. It literally fell apart when i moved it from the roasting pan to the plate. Wings, legs, and 1/2 the carcass fell off. i guess i did really good. From that point, Mom and Dad took over the dinner, and i got to just lie in front of the TV and relax. Overall, it was a good day. i survived. i made it. i lived through it. All good, i guess.
Boxing day - Today the MIT is already watching 2 new DVD's. i am sitting here typing on the computer with the NCIS marathon is on in the background. i get to go out with my Mom shopping, while the MIT and Dad get to spend quiet time together. i have adivan packed to deal with humans and Mom's driving. This is not going to be fun.
E just called. P is in the hospital. They don't know what is wrong with Him. He is out of emergency, and now in a room. K&B are here to help, and also because K is P's next of kin. An ultra sound is scheduled. That is a wait and see issue. E is going to call me later, to either talk, or as me to help out. i am on standby, and am happy with it. i help where i can, and do what i can, when she and He need me. i may be taking care of the kids. i may be driving E to the hospital to visit P. i may even be driving B back to TO. i am prepared to do whatever is needed.
i will also be spending as much time with D as i can. Without P, E can't get there. i will be taking that responsibility over. Not a problem for me. i can handle it. i will just be leaving the MIT home when i go over. i can't have Him going full blown at the hospice again.
So that is my recap. That is my plan, of sorts. That is how my life, which is intertwined with my friends' lives, will be going for the next little while. At least i have a purpose for now. Purpose keeps me here. Purpose and responsibility are the only things keeping me here.
Eve - The MIT went to church with my Mom and Dad. He chose to dress up. He wore the red dress shirt that L&D had given Him last year. He chose to wear black pants (not green) and he chose to wear a Christmas tie. Once He left, i had to force myself into wrapping gifts. i just couldn't find it in me to actually want to do it. i had to do it. i needed to get it done. So i did. grudgingly. i put on a happy face, setting up the cookies, eggnog, and carrots for Santa's visit. (yes my 16 year old still believes. i am a lucky Mom). After the MIT went to bed, i actually wrapped and set-up under the tree, and hung the stockings with care. i finally made it to bed about 2am
Day - i do didn't want to do this. i put off the MIT about opening gifts. He had woken at 4, and i kept Him from hitting the living room until 6:00. We opened gifts together. i took pictures. He took pictures. He totally enjoyed the fact that Santa stole a hedgehog from me. He loved the fact that we found a carrot outside partially eaten. It was a good time. Santa out shone me on one gift. It was fun playing that up. The MIT left for church, dressed in His regular red and green. i was supposed to wrap 2 family gifts. i was supposed to start on the turkey. i had no aluminum wrap. No starting the turkey for me. i went back to sleep. i got a call from my Mom telling me to get up, and get moving on preparing the turkey and having a shower. Eventually i did just that. They all showed up at noon. Food, aluminum wrap, and presents all in toe. i wrapped up the turkey and put it in the oven, hoping 4 hours was good enough.
It was present time. i had Sis wrap Mom's gift, and also her own, since i just couldn't bring myself to do it. i got stuff. Sis got stuff. Dad got stuff. Mom got stuff. Nana and Auntie showed up, and more gifts were exchanged. Mom eventually sent me to bed once Nana, Auntie and Sis had to leave. i got to sleep for an hour. When i got up, the turkey was done. It literally fell apart when i moved it from the roasting pan to the plate. Wings, legs, and 1/2 the carcass fell off. i guess i did really good. From that point, Mom and Dad took over the dinner, and i got to just lie in front of the TV and relax. Overall, it was a good day. i survived. i made it. i lived through it. All good, i guess.
Boxing day - Today the MIT is already watching 2 new DVD's. i am sitting here typing on the computer with the NCIS marathon is on in the background. i get to go out with my Mom shopping, while the MIT and Dad get to spend quiet time together. i have adivan packed to deal with humans and Mom's driving. This is not going to be fun.
E just called. P is in the hospital. They don't know what is wrong with Him. He is out of emergency, and now in a room. K&B are here to help, and also because K is P's next of kin. An ultra sound is scheduled. That is a wait and see issue. E is going to call me later, to either talk, or as me to help out. i am on standby, and am happy with it. i help where i can, and do what i can, when she and He need me. i may be taking care of the kids. i may be driving E to the hospital to visit P. i may even be driving B back to TO. i am prepared to do whatever is needed.
i will also be spending as much time with D as i can. Without P, E can't get there. i will be taking that responsibility over. Not a problem for me. i can handle it. i will just be leaving the MIT home when i go over. i can't have Him going full blown at the hospice again.
So that is my recap. That is my plan, of sorts. That is how my life, which is intertwined with my friends' lives, will be going for the next little while. At least i have a purpose for now. Purpose keeps me here. Purpose and responsibility are the only things keeping me here.