Normally, I do up a sort of recount of my resolutions from last year, and list new ones. I am not going to do that this year. There is too much going on. There is too much in my head right now to even think about it.
My Godfather/Uncle died on the 28th. His funeral is on the 3rd. I am sad and full of regret. I have learned that regret and guilt are two different emotions. Regret I can handle. Guilt, leads to shame and I don't want/need that.
I have actually decided to go out tonight to a house party to hear a friend play with his band. This will be the first NYE I have ever gone "out" to. Yes I spent NYE with E, P, C, T, and D a few years ago, but no getting drunk and hitting on young men that year. It was a stay in the house kind of event. This year is different. Oh yeah, and I am getting dressed for it. Fancy top, and new jeans. I am going to show off my new size. I am going to show off my boobs. I am actually looking forward to this. What to wear is laid out. Schedule has been made up so I do not forget to do anything. I will actually be wearing a bit of makeup to this thing.
I am going to be jumping in with both feet, to distract myself from what will be happening on Sunday and Mondays. This is called Opposite Emotion. Yes, another DBT thingy.
Next year is all about learning more about emotions, DBT thingies, not binging (and loosing weight because of it), not drinking to much, and just being healthier in mind and body.
Happy New Years to all.
Showing posts with label Partying. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Partying. Show all posts
Friday, December 31, 2010
Monday, December 06, 2010
Having a regret day
Today, all I feel is regret. Regret about how I have been living with myself the last couple of months.
I have been drinking a lot and have been lying about it. Every weekend I make excuses to myself about why it is ok for me to drink. Some weekends I don't. Most weekends I do. I drink enough to down a horse or more, but only end up staying awake, without a hang over to even make me think. I drink enough to get me to a point where I don't feel inhibited with flirting, especially with guys I wouldn't think would go home with me.
I have been having sex a lot, and unsafe (but not in the STD way) partners. I have been craving pain, and getting it from strangers. I have been finding those young ones that enjoy choking. I don't know how it happens, but it does. Last weekend, I brought home a 27 year old that enjoyed choking. I have been on an internet web site to get guys. I have ended up inviting guys I just talked to over, because I know we will have sex.
I have not been worried about my safety. I just don't care right now. I don't care if someone I pick-up will hurt me or kill me or rob me blind. I just don't care.
I have been drinking a lot and have been lying about it. Every weekend I make excuses to myself about why it is ok for me to drink. Some weekends I don't. Most weekends I do. I drink enough to down a horse or more, but only end up staying awake, without a hang over to even make me think. I drink enough to get me to a point where I don't feel inhibited with flirting, especially with guys I wouldn't think would go home with me.
I have been having sex a lot, and unsafe (but not in the STD way) partners. I have been craving pain, and getting it from strangers. I have been finding those young ones that enjoy choking. I don't know how it happens, but it does. Last weekend, I brought home a 27 year old that enjoyed choking. I have been on an internet web site to get guys. I have ended up inviting guys I just talked to over, because I know we will have sex.
I have not been worried about my safety. I just don't care right now. I don't care if someone I pick-up will hurt me or kill me or rob me blind. I just don't care.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Patting
i have been hiding for the last week. i didn't go out. i didn't shower. i didn't do anything i didn't have to do. All i had to do was put on a happy face for the MIT when He was here. i made food when i could. i ordered in when i couldn't. i did what i had to do. i kept a face on when needed, and i took it off when i was alone.
Yesterday i started to peak out from under my rock. i logged on to Facebook and resumed my games. Today i showered, and got dressed, and did what i had to do. i wanted to stay hidden, but i had to do things. The MIT to MUMC for the morning. Taking Him to get His hair cut with my Mom. Getting pop for E. Paid back P for smokes. Got myself some groceries. All done.
Tomorrow i am allowing myself to hide. There isn't anything i have to do tomorrow. Allowing myself a set amount of time to tuck away from the world is good for me. That is why i go camping. i can't afford to camp right now, so hiding in the house works.
After tomorrow, things get busy again. Thursday is two appointments. Friday is one appointment. Saturday is my tea party.
Oh yeah, i am having a Steeped Tea, tea party, on Saturday. Steeped Tea (well one of their sellers) is coming to my house to serve taster teas, and to take orders of their specialities. i will be serving tea food. 2 types of cucumber sandwiches, smoked salmon sandwiches, and pineapple sandwiches. All with their crusts cut off. All fancy and stuff. Oh, and with any tea, there is also a dessert. Shortbread, cream puffs, and even scones ( i hope. i am going to try and get Devonshire cream, then i will get the scones). It will be fun.
So anyways, this is my pat on my back for pulling myself out from under my rock.
Yesterday i started to peak out from under my rock. i logged on to Facebook and resumed my games. Today i showered, and got dressed, and did what i had to do. i wanted to stay hidden, but i had to do things. The MIT to MUMC for the morning. Taking Him to get His hair cut with my Mom. Getting pop for E. Paid back P for smokes. Got myself some groceries. All done.
Tomorrow i am allowing myself to hide. There isn't anything i have to do tomorrow. Allowing myself a set amount of time to tuck away from the world is good for me. That is why i go camping. i can't afford to camp right now, so hiding in the house works.
After tomorrow, things get busy again. Thursday is two appointments. Friday is one appointment. Saturday is my tea party.
Oh yeah, i am having a Steeped Tea, tea party, on Saturday. Steeped Tea (well one of their sellers) is coming to my house to serve taster teas, and to take orders of their specialities. i will be serving tea food. 2 types of cucumber sandwiches, smoked salmon sandwiches, and pineapple sandwiches. All with their crusts cut off. All fancy and stuff. Oh, and with any tea, there is also a dessert. Shortbread, cream puffs, and even scones ( i hope. i am going to try and get Devonshire cream, then i will get the scones). It will be fun.
So anyways, this is my pat on my back for pulling myself out from under my rock.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Things that make me go hmmmmmm.
Last night, my Sis and her friend (calling her R) took me to a strip club in Niagara Falls. It isn't the first time they have taken me. It has been a very long time. This time i wasn't the DD (designated driver) so i was able to drink. Drinking is what i did.
i had 8 Bacardi Breezers (orange) and 7 shooters. 4 were Goldschlager. i have no idea what the other 3 were. i can tell you what it tasted like coming up at 5:30 am, but other than that, no idea. Man was i drunk. i could still walk a straight line. i could still talk ok. i just knew i was very drunk, my nose was numb, as were my legs.
i don't find the strippers very appealing. Some, sure. Most are young and don't know how to move. The older one caught my attention, but it was short lived. What did catch my eye, was two waiters. The one, much younger than myself, and short, and had a nice chest. He walked around shirtless, and let me take shooters from his belt. LOL. The other, was older. Cute in a different sort of way. Shirt on the entire time. Him i would have loved to take home.
Well, i found out that R was going to ask him for his number for me. So, to avert that little high school like situation, i told him what was going to happen, and told him it was ok to just give her a fake number. He surprised me. He wanted to know why he would do that, and that he would just give it to me himself. And, he did.
So here i sit. Sober. With a phone number to a waiter, whose name i didn't know until he wrote it on the paper with his number, and no idea when or if to call him.
ARRRRGGGG
i had 8 Bacardi Breezers (orange) and 7 shooters. 4 were Goldschlager. i have no idea what the other 3 were. i can tell you what it tasted like coming up at 5:30 am, but other than that, no idea. Man was i drunk. i could still walk a straight line. i could still talk ok. i just knew i was very drunk, my nose was numb, as were my legs.
i don't find the strippers very appealing. Some, sure. Most are young and don't know how to move. The older one caught my attention, but it was short lived. What did catch my eye, was two waiters. The one, much younger than myself, and short, and had a nice chest. He walked around shirtless, and let me take shooters from his belt. LOL. The other, was older. Cute in a different sort of way. Shirt on the entire time. Him i would have loved to take home.
Well, i found out that R was going to ask him for his number for me. So, to avert that little high school like situation, i told him what was going to happen, and told him it was ok to just give her a fake number. He surprised me. He wanted to know why he would do that, and that he would just give it to me himself. And, he did.
So here i sit. Sober. With a phone number to a waiter, whose name i didn't know until he wrote it on the paper with his number, and no idea when or if to call him.
ARRRRGGGG