Here, but not here

i know i have been sounding kind of chipper lately, and i am, in a way. i am also not wanting to isolate myself. i am not wanting to hide under my rock. i am just not in the mood for certain things right now.

Sitting at the computer playing games just isn't in my blood right now. i just don't feel the pull to it. Sitting on the couch, and reading the paper, or sitting on my bed and colouring, those are things i want to do. Going for a drive and finding a nice place to walk around would be great.

Today my mind is on camping. It is Wednesday. i really want to go on Friday. i can't afford it though. It is very likely i won't be able to go. Instead i will just be home alone. No fire. No birds flying around me. No squirrels chasing each other around. No quiet skies full of stars. No sound of wood burning. No shivering as i sit around the fire. Damn i want to go really bad.

i haven't done my decorating yet. i fell more like sitting and doing nothing. Pouting about this weekend.

And again

i am so relaxed and rejuvenated. i am at peace. i am enjoying the quiet and the dark, in my own home.

Yes, again i took myself camping. i was there for two nights this time. Godds it was great. Birds fluttering over birdseed. Squirrels chasing each other over nuggets of biscuits. Even raccoons coming right up to me at 8pm, not scared of me at all (i was scared of those spooky guys though). Again, i did nothing. No reading. No colouring. No going for long walks. i did go for a short walk and collected pine cones, but that was it.

i talked to the animals. i talked to My Baby Bear. Most of all, i sat, listened, and enjoyed the fire and being alone.

i have found the thing to do when the MIT is at Rygiel and i have no other plans.

i have also figured out what i am getting everyone on my gift list this year. i haven't gone out and gotten any of the stuff, but at least i know what it is i am getting and what it will cost me. That is a big worry out of my life. Holidays can be so stressful. i also know my schedule (most of it) for December. i know when Tree Day, Trifle day, Yule, Christmas, Last Day of School, and appointments are. i also know when some birthdays are and have figured out what those people get. i even know when i might be going camping again.

Shopping will be a breeze this year. Knowing when and how i am going to relax is calming.

i am actually excited this year.

Camping photos:

Something for ME

i took myself camping this past Saturday. It was for one night, and i want to do it again. No MIT. No Dad. Just me. And, i want to do it for more than one night. i so want to do it this coming weekend.

i struggled a lot on Friday. i had wanted to go. i kept telling myself how easy it would be, and that yes it was time to go. i just couldn't muster up the desire enough to get myself moving. Saturday i still struggled. Yes i wanted to go, but i didn't want to move from the house. i didn't have the drive to go. With my Sis's help, i got moving, but even then, it wasn't like i had the gumption to actually leave and do it. It wasn't until i was actually driving there (well, even then i had second thoughts) that i got comfortable with the idea of leaving my house to do it.

i really am glad i went. i slept in the van. i had the propane stove for tea. i brought easy food (lunch meats and buns) so i didn't have a lot of dishes. i took wood (always take more than you think you will need, because you will always need more). i was all set. i didn't even read. i just sat in my chair, and stared at the fire. Oh, and i talked to my Baby Bear, so people stayed clear of me. LOL.

Sure there are things i forgot. There are even things i have thought of taking for next time. With camping there is always evolving. By changing the trip from one night to two, food concessions will have to be made. Maybe a better book to read, and some colouring supplies to be brought. Other than that, i think i have it pretty well planned out. i could even decide what a person is getting for Yule, and start working on it (knitting, crafty, whatever).

i want to do it this weekend. Yes it will be colder, but i have solutions to that. Burning a tea light inside the van to warm it up works great. Staying 2 nights would be my dream. A friend even gave me an idea about a tarp over the van and out and across as a "shelter" to stay out of any rain or such. The MIT is gone this weekend, so yeah, i want to do it this weekend. But...

i have a million responsibilities. Going to the movies with E. Getting the MIT ready and dropped off at Rygiel. L wants me and E to go walking downtown TO. i have a doctor's appointment this week, a therapy appointment this week, and the van gets an oil change this week. All on different days. All needing my time.

i am going to fit in as much as i can, but i am going to go camping this weekend. Rain or no rain. i need this type of me time. (then again a fire pit for my backyard would be cheaper in the long run)

Dad, MIT, and Adventures

So Dad is fine. Well, not really but yes. He had an angiogram, and it came back normal. No blockages, not to much plaque, no issues that needed to be addressed. So he was discharged on Wednesday. He is diabetic (type 2), but he won't acknowledge it. He does have high blood pressure, but he won't acknowledge it. He has heart damage (it only is working at 65%), but he won't acknowledge it. So what do we do this weekend?

We go camping!!!!!

Yes i took Dad, and the MIT camping again. Dad was on restrictions on what he was allowed to do, but didn't stick to them, and i didn't smother him. i would ask how he was feeling when he looked pale. i would check his blood sugars in the morning, or when he felt faint. i let him try to listen to his body. That is the only way he will learn. i also allowed him and the MIT to gang up on me and boss me around a little.

i also controlled what we all ate. i made sure it was all healthy, and included lots of veggies, and had moderate amounts of carbs. Of course i also made sure everyone took their meds when they were supposed to.

Yes it was stressful, but it was also fun and to me, curiously enough, relaxing. i still say we needed more fire wood. i will make sure we have enough next time.

Today is laundry and dishes day. Plus, i get to take a splinter out of my leg. Other than that, enjoy the quiet while the MIT is at school.

Happy Mabon. i will be doing a little ritual tonight, and will be serving stew (celebrating the harvest of root veggies and squash and "fall veggies"), apple crisp, and whole grain bread. Plus i will be making a fire in my BBQ again. i really love this time of year.

Summer is almost finished. Plus some introspection.

With summer vacation coming to an end, i have to say that i finally got the MIT and Dad camping. Finally. We went from the 6-8 and had a great, quiet time. Well other than the Raccoons hunting and gathering from our site. LOL. i have already booked our weekend in September. It did help throw in my face how much the MIT has lost in a year. He couldn't get up to go to the "pee tree" by Himself. One of us had to have at least 2 hands on Him at all times, and that was with Him having both sides working. He nearly fell into the fire 6 times.

i can't wait for school to start. At least then i will be getting some sleep during the days. Until then, it is up all night and sleep when i get the chance. Tomorrow Sis is taking the MIT to a movie. i can sleep then.

So the therapist and i started the "borderline personality disorder" questionnaire, and wouldn't you know it, i might be bi-polar LOL. i get to ask friends and family if they have ever seen my "manic" and how i acted, and how i was, and if they have ever seen the large depression afterwards. Great, feedback i really don't want to hear about.

On the BDSM side of me. Still nothing. No desire for it. No desire to put myself out there. i know that side is still in me. When ever P comes for a visit i can drop right back into that mindset. i just try really hard not to. It makes me feel too alone afterwards, even after just asking for a smoke, or asking Him if He wants something to drink. The loneliness afterwards is so hard.

i know that if i ever did get involved like that with someone, it would have to be with someone just for me. At least for a little while. Just so i can get my bearings back again, and not have to go home feeling so alone again.

i am actually missing L a lot. i had felt such a connection with Her. i know She is going through a lot, and Her life isn't easy right now. i wish i could be a help to Her. i just don't know if She will ever be able to accept me for who i am, and if She will ever want me back in Her life. She did say some things that really hurt me. i know me though. i know i can forgive and forget. i just don't know if She can, or if She wants to. i still feel that connection to Her, even without speaking to Her in almost a year. i am just not going to make the first move on this. Not this time. i have gone back to Her too many times with my tail between my legs.

And it keeps going

The spotting i mean. i went for my ultrasound and then the doctor's. Won't know the results until Monday or Tuesday. When i move or change position, i bleed again. i am getting frustrated. i want the pain and the bleeding to stop. i want to get "normal" again.

Still not smoking. It is amazing how my bank account is reflecting this. It is interesting not having to worry about running out of money for another week. i am really proud of myself. i am doing really well.

i am getting bored with the afghan. i want to make something more difficult. i want to make something to wear. i think. i will finish the afghan. i will finish it soon. i will be needing it when we go camping again. i am trying to convince everyone (meaning the MIT, and Dad) that we should go at the end of this month, or the middle of April for the first trip of this year. i also need to figure out when we have to book sites for the summer. i so want to go camping again. It will be different with not smoking. i will need stuff to do with my hands when the MIT and Dad are busy watching DVD's. i am glad i have more recipes in my arsenal now. It will make camping and meal eating more fun.

Etsy is still drawing my attention. Sometimes it inspires what i want to do next. Sometimes it makes me want to spend money. i have a list of favourite sellers and favourite items a mile long. And i keep going back. There are so many interesting "shops" there. i have favourite jewelery shops. i have favourite pottery shops. i even have favourite handmade purse shops. i don't really have favourite knitting shops, mainly because i can knit and like to knit, and if they are listed as one of my favourites, it is because i want to borrow their patterns or ideas.

Oh, big news. The MIT is going to be grading for His BROWN belt on the 14th. He is doing really well with it, and His teachers are being really positive and only making a few concessions for Him. He is even self advocating to do it. He knows when He can ask to test. He knows that He needs to work hard. i am really proud of Him. After brown, it is brown-stripe, red, red-stripe, black. His teachers are working really hard to get Him to black. They want it so bad for Him. i am proud of them all.

Ok, time to get ready to go out and get groceries with my Mom and Dad (still no driving allowed). Then home to make chili and store it, chicken noodle soup and store it, banana bread and store it, and apple crisp and store it. It is a keep busy day. i don't know what i am trying to hide from, but it is what baking and cooking help me do.

The First Snow...while camping!!!!

So this past week has been difficult. i have been having panic attacks every day. i can't seem to make it out of the house. i have been finding excuses to not go out. i have been cooking, cleaning, making things "perfect" here, so i feel safe and in control. i am needing the feeling of control. Without it i just plain brake down. i didn't really know how i would handle camping, but i did ok.

We arrived Friday. No rain while we set-up camp. i was able to have a fire and get the stew warming up in the dutch oven. After dinner, i started to prepare to do dishes, and we hit a bump in our plans. We found out there was no water at the site. We had to come up with some quick solutions. We figured it out, and then the rain started. Quick get into the tent. We had a nice quiet night hanging out in the tent. The MIT and Dad watched DVD's and i read my book. We ended up settling for the night around 7:00. At 1:30am, we were woken up to loud music. i took a walk to the offending site and asked them to turn it down. They were very polite. We all returned to the tent and went back to sleep.


Saturday morning we found the second bump in our camping adventure. We found out the tent was leaking. The floor of the tent was soaking wet. The picture is of Dad building a trench around the tent, in the hopes of shifting the water from around the it. i lifted the sleeping bags and kept the heater going so they could try and dry out. i sealed the seam in the bottom of the tent. That we could live with. Then we hit the third bump. Dad had forgotten to tell me to bring my grill from my BBQ. Off to Hamilton i drove. Then the fourth bump, my period started. Ok, not that great a weekend so far. i returned to the site and i made chicken noodle soup from scratch for lunch. First cooking experience for me again. It turned out really nicely. Especially since it was raining. The MIT spent the day watching DVD's under the awning of the tent, and i kept watch on the tent and sleeping bags drying. By the time Dad made dinner (Smokey bacon wrapped shrimp) i thought the tent was dry enough for us all to be able to climb back in and settle where it was dry and warm. i was wrong.

(MIT eating Smokey Bacon Wrapped Shrimp)

Turned out, while we ate dinner, and while we watched DVD's, the bottom of the tent was still leaking, and all the sleeping bags were soaking wet again. We did piles of blankets and sheets to sleep on, and we did the best we could. i had a mini break down at that point, because i kept feeling that if either Dad or the MIT complained, i had to fix it. And then, because i couldn't fix it, no one would enjoy the time we had together. i voiced this and was told (well sort of, we ended up joking about it quickly) that i was not Mother Nature, and the little bumps added to the adventure. We bedded down around 7:00 again, and slept on and off during the night.

When we woke up on Sunday, we were greeted with snow covering our stuff. (Yes bump number 5). i truly lost it. i couldn't figure out how to do dishes (the propane stove had gotten wet during all the rain, and wouldn't light properly), how to pack things up, how to make dinner, and was completely lost and panicky. We fixed this with me telling my Dad that i wanted to just pack everything up, and head to my place for breakfast and the rest of the camping day. Dad agreed (since He was huddling around the fire for any form of warmth)........

and the MIT huddled in the wet tent, trying to keep warm.
The MIT agreed, and we packed up everything in less than 1 hour. We were out of there. It was just snowing so much. Yeah, the weather report said it was possible, but we had avoided the predicted weather so many times, i just didn't count on it actually happening. All the dirt dishes went into one bin, all the other stuff went into the other. Sopping wet sleeping bags laid on the tops of the wet and frozen bins. Mud tracked in and out of the van. It was a mad dash. As we were leaving, we were hit with a flurry.
We got to my place and started to unpack stuff. We had our traditional pancakes for breakfast, with coffee for the boys. i hung the sleeping bags in my shower. i did dishes and unpacking. The boys watched TV. After we had all dried off, and everything was basically out of the van, i drove Dad and the MIT to Dad's house. They were to spend the rest of the day there. It gave me a break. Once the van was unloaded with all of Dad's stuff, plus the wet and muddy tent, i headed back to my place and tried to warm up and dry out. This was hard, considering i didn't have the use of my shower or tub because of the sleeping bags.

Overall, it was a good weekend. i made it harder on myself than i should have. i didn't have to fix everything, but i needed that feeling of being in control. It took 3 days to figure out i can't compete with Mother Nature, and can't control everything. This doesn't mean i am over my panic. i still only feel safe here, in my home.

Here where i can control things. i don't know how i am going to "get over it" but i will have to figure something out. i can't just stay in the house all day, every day. There are things i have to do in life. There are things that are essential to being able to live. There is Yule and then Christmas to prepare for.

From Last time (Sept 5-7)

Here are some photos from the last camping trip.....

Baba and MIT around the fire

Our camping site

Baba and the MIT eating hotdogs

Baba and MIT fishing (first time)

3 friends camping

Eating Breakfast

Me camping

Another Camping Weekend....in this weather????

Yes it is another camping weekend. One for the MIT again. One we planned a few weeks ago. All because i created a camping monster back in September. Really. i am looking forward to it. Even knowing, now, that the weather is going to be so damned cold. Even after this happened......

Yes, that is hail. It hailed yesterday. Today it is supposed to rain for a bit. Today it is only supposed to get up to 11C. Tonight it is to be a balmy 7C. Yes we have a heater. Yes it is packed. Yes i actually packed the extension cord. Yes we should have some heat during our little experience. Dad is bringing the money for firewood. We are going to use a lot. This time i have even packed myself a mug so i can have tea and hot chocolate while the boys have coffee. And, i am packing lots and lots and lots of blankets and fuzzy socks just for me.

Meals are going to be easy. Tonight is hamburger and hotdogs. Saturday is eggs, bacon, sausages, then salmon and tuna sandwiches, then hamburgers and hotdogs. Sunday is pancakes. i have a feeling i will want something warmer. i am thinking of packing the dutch oven and making stew or something for Saturday dinner for me. Something warm i can wrap my hands around. Then again, i could just bring what is frozen in my freezer from the last time i made stew.

It is funny how excited the MIT is about this. i think it is the undevided, non-electronic distraction idea of it all. If i could figure out a way to get Dad to go camping in November, i wouldn't mind going next month. Then again, i would also get to complain about how cold it is, and will have to master dutch oven cooking.

Last weekend was hell. MIT had a 3 hour seizure. We didn't take Him to hospital. Instead my Mom looked after Him while i went to a Magic tournament with M. i just couldn't let Thelma look after Him. She has no idea of all the different types of seizures there are, and wouldn't know what to do with Him. So in comes Mom and Dad to the rescure, so i could have some i looked after baby girl the entire time and it was nice. i like relating to a 2 year old when i am stressed out. That is all we did. We played inside the Beast. We had lunch together, and we waited for her father. After that, we headed back to Welland. It was nice there too.

When the MIT came home, He seems just fine. Mom did say that He was lathargic after the seizures were over, for almost 5 hours.

This week i was a good girl. i had my blood work done. i hate getting blood work done. i am waiting on the results. i have to call the diabetic clinic so i have enough meds to last me until the section 8 comes through. The government takes so long.

Not being able to see M this weekend is killing me. i am actually really missing Him. Yes i saw Him last weekend, along with baby girl, and then later with La, but still, i miss Him. i miss Him here, alone with me. We won't be getting that time together next weekend. Next weekend is going to the Niagara party. Well maybe. We talked about it last night, and it might work out that we get alone time that night. i miss alone time.

He wants to get me comfortable about sitting on His lap without freaking out. Yes He is a big boy, but still, i don't like it. i feel like i will crush Him. Like i will hurt His leg. Like i will kill Him or something. Logically, i know it won't be that way. Hell, He can lift me up. There is just something i can't wrap my head around. He wants to work on it with me, because He wants to cuddle like that, especially at His place, where there isn't a couch. We will figure it out.

As of right now, i am going to head off to bed, so i can be lively around noon, head off to get gas and smokes, then be ready for Dad to be here and pack up the van. Then, once the MIT gets home, we are off to camping.

Wish us luck and hope, for my sake, i actually bring enough stuff to keep us warm.

Monsters

i have created a monster. A camping monster. Yes the MIT so enjoyed camping, that we are going again in October. He wants to go every month. Yes, even the winter months. Try to explain to Him that it is very cold going camping in the winter, and He says "so what". He says "but the fire will keep us warm", or "the tent will keep us warm". Heck with the way the weather has been lately, October will be cold. Even in the sun. November? i don't think so.

Right now, my Dad is "fixing" the tent. He has waterproofed it, and patched the only hole in it. He is also excited about going camping again. He is planning on hunting for warms before we leave so maybe we will have better luck with the fish. i think they will not be so hungry. i think the fish will be sleeping. OH, and talking about excited about us going, so is my Mom. Heck, she is paying for it. She suggested it. i think she really enjoyed the weekend off.

i am totally going to enjoy it. i love sitting around a fire when it is cool out. Jeans, sweatshirt, fuzzy socks. Even if we don't go fishing, or do anything but sit around a fire all day, i will be a happy camper. This time i will actually bring a book to read. i am also going to be packing another mug, so i could have hot chocolate while the boys are having coffee.

On the dating front, things are going well. We don't get to see each other as often as He would like, but i am cool with it. i like having a life away from Him. He is also moving really fast with His feelings. i am actually having issues with the 0-200 when we are together. i don't' mind pain, but i need to get into the mindset. The instant biting once He arrives, is a little hard for me. His constantly needing to touch me, to be in the same room with me, the big need to kiss ALL the time is getting, smothering almost. i am not looking for problems. i am just hoping He will be able to calm things down a bit. i don't mind being His chew toy, but i do long for more.

i long for my hair being pulled. i long for a spanking. i long for orders. i long for being told what He expects of me. i know He is new. i know He isn't used to all this. i know He isn't used to being able to act on His fantasies. Heck, i wish He would share some with me, so i know where His head is.

Instead, i am putting my head back into that space where i do and accept what is being done to and with me as a service. That what i am doing and how i am acting is a reflection on Him. That what i am doing and how i am acting is an act of submission. That the submission is really what i am craving and i am getting that by being His chew toy.

Gods i hate writing catch-ups

But, i am going to do so again.

The MIT is back at school. Things are going ok with that. He is still having trouble with His body since the medication change. He is able to voice how He is feeling more. He is crying when He is sad. He is going outside and screaming when He wants to hit Himself, others, or things. He has had some rough times, but those are changing. It is nice to see positive changes in Him.

Something that helped, is i took Him and my Dad camping this past weekend. We went camping in a tent. We left on the Friday and came home on the Sunday. It rained Friday night, after we went to sleep, and again on Sunday while we were packing up. Other than that, the weather was great. We took the MIT fishing. He hated it. He thought it was boring. It didn't help that we didn't catch anything. At least it was an experience. A positive experience at that. He has come home much more relaxed. He has come home much more positive. i am glad we went. We all needed the time together. i need to keep building experiences with Him. i need to give Him as many positive times as i can. As many adventures as i can. He needs it. i need it. i need it for later. i need it for when the time comes.

D is sick. D is very sick. D is going to die. D has cancer. It is in the lungs, it is in the brain, it is in the lymph nodes. All that can be done is to keep D comfortable. She is surrounded by love. She will be surrounded by love and positivity. i am sad. i am angry. i feel like i don't have the right to feel so sad and angry about this. D's family, my friends, deserve that right. i am a friend. i worry about her, but i do not have to be there all the time. i am there for when they all need me, want me, need help, want help, or just an ear, lap, shoulder, or hug. Until they need me, i sit here. i sit back and wait for the call that they need my presence. i give them the space they need to process all that has happened, is happening now, and will happen too soon.

On other fronts, i am dating. Yes, i am seeing someone. i met M at a play party. i met M's wife, La. i met M's friends. i met M. He is new to doing this. i am not so new. He is younger. i am not so younger. i am enjoying seeing Him. i am enjoying the feelings of passion again. i am enjoying the feeling of opening myself up to someone again. i am enjoying one experience with Him at a time. Heck, i am even enjoying missing Him when He isn't here. i get to see Him on Saturday, with La and Their daughter. We are going to a festival together. All three of us. i wear His marks. i wear His bites. i enjoy the feeling of the pain again. The pain given by someone i like being with, longer than a party night.

With Him, i don't feel like an extra. i am one. i am His alone. He decides if He wants to share me. He decides. i offered that to Him, and He accepted. He has already exercised that right. Twice actually. It feels good. It feels nice knowing i am one. i am not a play thing to add to an established relationship. i am His, outside His circle. i am not a third. i am not a second. i am His only. La has others. La doesn't need or want others. La is happy for us. La and i talk about stuff. La is with Him, but i am His alone. It feels right. i feel right again. i feel like me again.

Home from Camp (day 63 of summer vacation)

Camp was different, and kind of weird this year. It was fun. It was interesting. i totally enjoyed myself.

Arriving first on Thursday, the only one there from my group was cool. i got to unpack my stuff, set up my cabin, and just sit back and relax. i did have moments when i thought i had to do stuff (like in the past) and had to keep telling myself i wasn't working this year. i started my fire. i sat out in the fresh air. i read my book. i listened to the quiet. It was great. Slowly more from my group showed up. L&D were first. Next came H&D. Then there was rain. i was able to keep my fire going during the entire storm. Now that felt cool.

i had made plans with J about meeting up with him at his cabin, with dinner and blankets and stuff in hand. Of course, i didn't know when he would be arriving, or what cabin he would be in. While it was raining, i saw this big guy wandering past my cabin. i called out "Jared?" and he came right over. i stood up, and His approach just bowled me over. i so dropped at that point. He grabbed my hair, kissed me, and asked me where i was. i know i was nervous. i was in "kiddy" mode. i told Him about the frog i found. It was nervous energy.

He told me that he expected me at His cabin, with food and His bed made. God i was so "there". i was in that moment. i was at peace and comfortable. i did what i was told. i packed dinner into the van, and i headed over to His cabin. i made the bed, and set out a plate of dinner and a can of cold pop for Him. And i waited. (He was helping A with her floating tent) When we were able to get a moment together (A and M were going to be staying with Him that night, because of the rain) we were right back to that space where i was on my knees, and getting my hair pulled and feeling like i belonged there. God that felt good. Eventually i left, as they were going to settle for the night. i went back to my cabin and relaxed and enjoyed the rain, and the fire, and headed off to bed.

Friday started ok. i started my fire again. i made breakfast while L&D&H set up the cooking tent and H's selling tent. i actually cooked over an open fire. i cooked eggs, bacon, pemeal bacon, and sausages. i did them in steps so that people were able to eat while they worked. J came over and asked me how long i would be. i said i would be about 1/2 hour. He said to go to A's site in one hour. i agreed (ooooops). 1 1/2 hours later, i finally left my site, took J breakfast, and waited for Him at His cabin. This was not a good start. He ended up going over to my cabin looking for me, had a bit of a confrontation with H&L and then came to find me. J and i had to talk. i was reminded that He knew my priority was the group, and needed me to communicate better, when i was available to be with Him, and do what He and i needed to do. Unfortunately, this set up a bit of a "road block" as far as H (especially) and L were concerned. (H never did get over it)

Friday was a bad day for me. i kept saying i would do things, and didn't. i felt caught in the middle as far as the "responsibilities of the group" and what everyone else wanted to do. i felt loopy. i was lost and needed centering. i never really got there. i had told J i would be right back, and didn't return, but laid down instead (that was when S&J arrived). i irritated J. i felt totally out of sorts. Things could have gone much better, but i really think i hit that cycle i sometimes do. The one where if i screw up, i continue, because i don't know how to ask for a way out, or help in getting out. (i really need to work on that). Eventually Friday night came together. J and i laid on His bed and worked on the demos. He told me what He expected of me. He and i wrote His handouts for the breath play demo. He used my back as His desk, while dictating to me. We played with the breath play so i knew what to expect. We talked about the blood letting demo, and what i was to expect. It was a nice centering, and "homey" place for me. J joined us all for dinner. P&E eventually showed up. There was laughter and i had my orders for the next day of demos.

Saturday i was up and ready to go by 6:00 am. i showered and dressed. i packed what i needed to keep at the demo sites. i was at J's cabin when i was supposed to be. i radioed L when she had wanted me to. i was great. i felt great. i was excited and anxious about the entire day. J was concentrating on what He needed to do. i was concentrating on what i needed to do. It was wonderful. L helped with the fear play. E did my after care for that while J still talked. Once He was done, He did my after care. We moved on to the breath play. (none of my group came to that) That was fun. i love breath play. He demonstrated different techniques on me. He had me floating. He made sure i was good after the demo. He made sure i got a kiss after my needing to walk away. He let me stay close when i needed, and He let me go away when i needed to, but always kept an eye on me. After the breath play, we had a bit of a break. i took a walk back to my cabin, and sat for a bit, and headed back up to the demo that i was most excited about.

Blood letting. i have never done that before. i had wanted to do it. i needed to do it. i wanted that sensation and pain. No one from the group showed again. That was ok. J was great. Sure He was concentrating on the actual demo. We didn't really connect during it. Well, at one point we really did. During the cut down was the best. It was still really great. It felt really wonderful. i have a beautiful set of stitches on my right arm. i have no bruising. i was floaty and totally on a high. We ended back at His cabin and laid down and relaxed and talked and talked. It was great after care. It was what we both needed. Eventually i left Him and headed back to my cabin to come down even more.

i am not ready to talk about after that. Things got really weird, and off center, and not great. Not with J, but with others. Maybe i will eventually be able to talk about it, but not likely here. Not yet anyways.

But, i am home. The MIT is with me. i have stitches in my arm, and love how they feel. i have a bruise on my right shoulder. i am still a little floaty. i had a good weekend.

Catching up yet again (Day 54 of Summer Vacation)

i don't even know when the last time i updated was. All i know is what has been happening recently.

1 - P&E - P&E went camping for over a week. i am currently babysitting 2 hamsters, and keeping an eye on Salem. The MIT went there Tuesday afternoon, to make sure Salem was doing ok. Salem probably has breast cancer. Right now, the plan is just to make sure she is comfortable. Tuesday she let me pick her up, and she went to eat while the MIT and i were there. We also picked up the hamster's balls so they could run around our house. The MIT doesn't like Fritz (female) but loves Seven (male).

2 - The MIT - On Tuesday night, after karate, the MIT came home full blown. He proceeded to have a 20 minute seizure, and then continued to seize on and off for 2 hours. i called 911, and He was taken to the hospital. There we stayed until Saturday afternoon. During that time, the MIT seized 2 more times, had an EEG that showed some spikes, and has had His med changed. He is now on Topamax. Well, starting Topamax. We are putting Him on it slowly. He is starting to show symptoms. He feels like His feet want to leave His body. He gets dizzy easily. Dad says the MIT looses His right side about an hour after taking his med. i will wait and see. i don't like that they sent us home on Saturday. i wanted Him in until Monday, just in case. At least with His getting out on Saturday, He was able to go to His grading. He now has a blue-stripe belt. He was so proud of it, He brought it home to me. i am really proud of Him.

3 - me - i am tired. i am stressed. i missed my therapy session because i forgot what time it was scheduled for. i am anxious. What if something happens while i am away? What if something goes wrong with the MIT's new meds? i do know not to live with "what if's" but i can't help it. They are in the back of my head. i am so tired. i can't seem to catch up on sleep, no matter how much time i am given. i want to cut so badly. i want to feel in control. my house isn't anywhere close to what i count as clean. i feel like there is just so much to do. i still have 2 appointments this week. One for therapy, and one with the doctor. Add to that, preparations for camp.

4 - Camp - For most people, there is only 4 sleeps until camp. For me, 2 sleeps. One on Tuesday evening, and one on Wednesday evening. i haven't gone shopping for everything, or anything, yet. i haven't started to gather stuff. Tomorrow i will be starting that. i still have a tunic and maybe a toga to make for J. i still have to learn how to roll. i want to be able to relax starting Thursday. i want to go and just "be". i am looking forward to pain. Sure it is by a hand i haven't even met yet, but at least i know i will feel pain. Yes, i am excited, but i am also worried. i am worried i won't have the money i need to buy what i need for camp. i am worried i will forget stuff. i am worried i will be so tired by Thursday, that i won't want to participate in anything to do with camp.

i guess that is all i need to catch up on. i am going to go and watch the Olympics. At least i have something to watch all night.

Catching up a bit (day 40)

Not much has really been going on, but i do have a few good things that have happened.

The MIT is going to be testing for His new belt on August 9th. Yes, He has actually been asking to test, and is going for it. i am so proud of Him. Every time He goes to karate, He looses one side, or more. It is a struggle for Him. He is having fewer and fewer good days. He asked to be tested in the middle of His class the one day, and the beginning of the class the other. That was the only way His body was able to complete the process. i am glad He is more Himself again. He hasn't talked about hurting Himself for a while. He is taking compliments more. It is nice to see the change in Him.

i have a "date" for camp. i volunteered to help with one demo and am now helping with two. Plus, the Guy who is doing the presentations is going to be hanging out with me for most of the weekend. Things have gotten a little weird about one thing, and i have to confront it. i have to say to Him that i do not want to top that weekend. It is a weekend for me to be me. Not the me someone wants me to be, but who i am. So far we have communicated well. i guess i will see how it goes when we talk about the topping thing. At least i know i will get cut, and sutured (something i haven't had done before). That part is going to be really fun.

That guy i met from online, well, that is over. i doubt i will ever hear from him again. It is ok. i didn't really feel a connection with him. When i do get into a relationship, i want that connection. i want those sparks, i want to be bowled over. i will find it again. i am not worried.

i haven't heard from L&D since the birthday. Even before that, the MIT and i had emailed them, and never heard anything back. i have left 2 messages in two weeks, and nothing. Add to that, the fact i know L has been in town at least once since i last saw here, and i am getting pissed. For some reason, it is ok for L&D to ignore me, but not ok if i was to ignore them. i have even left a message saying that we need to talk, and nothing. my first reaction is to think i did something wrong again, but nope, i am not going there. i know in my heart i have done nothing wrong. i don't understand how one day L can say she doesn't want things to change between us, but then the next, i hear nothing from them. Not even when they are in town. Nothing. i am past feeling jealous. i am up to feeling under appreciated and angry. Add to that the fact that L has my sewing machine, and i am needing it to make myself something to wear at camp, because i don't know if She has done what She said She would do. i don't know if She has made me a few stollis or not. Even then, i also want at least one tunic. It would make packing so much easier. i just don't know what to do with them. i call, i email, i hear nothing. It is all rather frustrating.

P&E can't seem to catch a break. K's surgery went well, and they were able to breath again. That was until P had the car accident, and now Salem may have cancer. They just can't catch a break. i wish i had the power to make it so nothing bad would happen to them, for about a year. That way they could get caught up with bills, breath and enjoy each other, breath and enjoy an entire year. They deserve it. They deserve that kind of break.

i am worried about the fact that i haven't had a period since April. The doctor did an internal, and is sending me for an ultra sound. She didn't say anything about the internal. i guess i wait for the ultra sound. i am feeling a little better emotionally also. i think it is because i am letting myself cry when it comes up. i am catching up on sleep while i can. Yesterday was full of sleep. So much, that i didn't sleep all night. i woke-up at 10:30 pm, and stayed awake until 11:30 this morning. Since then, i napped from 11:30 until 2:00. i will lie down again in about 1/2 hour so i can be awake tonight.

Well that is it.