Today was my first DBT group session. I was so nervous, I was awake at 5:30, and pacing by 8:00. I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know what to take. I was in pain and tired.
It really wasn't all that bad. The group is all women. There is homework to be done. There was a lot of talking and answering questions. I talked a lot more than I thought I would. I guess I got the smarts to do all this, I just have to find the motivation and gumption to actually use the techniques to help myself.
After group, I had a bit of time by myself. I found out I was going to have a nurse for me for the next little while. Wound management. Someone to pull out the stuffing (sorry, packing) out of the hole in my groin, and then, without freezing, stuffing the hole back up again. The nurse I had today was quite nice. I will probably have a new one Thursday.
Right now, I am exhausted. I have been up since 5:30, and plan on getting up at that early morning time for the rest of the week. This gives me some quiet time to myself before TJ gets up, and helps my body get used to the school schedule. Once 11 comes around, and I take my antibiotic, I am heading to bed.
Oh yeah. My sugars have been normal all day, and I know I have lost some more weight
Showing posts with label Diabetes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Diabetes. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Bumps in the road
i have found that sitting at the computer, is not an activity that helps me avoid "maladaptive" behaviour. It actually creates a way i eat more. my blood sugars are back up to the 20's. In less than a week, i am back to where i was in December. Not body wise, but at least eating wise. This has got to changed.
i liked how i felt with normal blood sugars. i liked not being tired all the time. i liked being able to just sit. i am not like that anymore. i am back to where i was before, and i don't like it.
Time to try other activities.
i liked how i felt with normal blood sugars. i liked not being tired all the time. i liked being able to just sit. i am not like that anymore. i am back to where i was before, and i don't like it.
Time to try other activities.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Blech
Today sucks.
The MIT is still home from school. He will be off until at least Monday. Gods i hope it is only until Monday. i am sick. Sneezes abound. i feel like crap.
i have been eating better. The only problem is after 9. After 9, i feel sooooo hungry. i crave everything. Meat, chocolate, cereal even. The nurse says it is because my body isn't used to normal blood sugars, and it is like my body is saying i have a low sugar, and needs the food. Problem with me, is i can't stop. Once i start eating, i just can't stop. i don't know how to fix this yet. i will figure something out. i just don't know what yet.
i have shown L a site i thought She would like. Well, She did. i definitely have to start learning how to do tatting. i have so many ideas for gifts for people. All just doing tatting. Then there is back to painting and etching glass. So many ideas. i should start a list. Not here. Don't want anyone i am making for seeing what i am making. Maybe that is something i can do when i get hungry. Plus there is also knitting again. The MIT really likes my knitted blanket. i want to make a bigger one.
Ok, time to go get dinner ready and take my meds.
The MIT is still home from school. He will be off until at least Monday. Gods i hope it is only until Monday. i am sick. Sneezes abound. i feel like crap.
i have been eating better. The only problem is after 9. After 9, i feel sooooo hungry. i crave everything. Meat, chocolate, cereal even. The nurse says it is because my body isn't used to normal blood sugars, and it is like my body is saying i have a low sugar, and needs the food. Problem with me, is i can't stop. Once i start eating, i just can't stop. i don't know how to fix this yet. i will figure something out. i just don't know what yet.
i have shown L a site i thought She would like. Well, She did. i definitely have to start learning how to do tatting. i have so many ideas for gifts for people. All just doing tatting. Then there is back to painting and etching glass. So many ideas. i should start a list. Not here. Don't want anyone i am making for seeing what i am making. Maybe that is something i can do when i get hungry. Plus there is also knitting again. The MIT really likes my knitted blanket. i want to make a bigger one.
Ok, time to go get dinner ready and take my meds.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Sick, and other stuff
The MIT has been sick since we returned from camping. i sent Him to school on the Monday and the Tuesday, but then He was getting worse, so i have kept Him home since. He was much better on Friday, before He went to Rygiel, but came home sicker (is that a real word?). Usually He arrives at Rygiel perfectly well and comes home sick. i thought maybe it would work the opposite way this time, but i was wrong. So here i sit. Home with the MIT. Sick, myself. At least we got the all clear from the doctor saying it is just a cold.
i have decided to be a role model for my Dad. i have got to get back on the horse in keeping my blood sugars normal. Got to. How can i tell my Dad what to do, when i am doing the complete opposite? Yesterday was grocery shopping, and i have so much healthy food in the house, it is ridiculous. Yes there are treats for the MIT, but i am going to make myself stay away from them. i even have yogurt for me for my night time snack. Raspberry and dragon fruit is yummy. Today i was good and actually had breakfast. Egg and toast. Maybe if i eat all day (portion sizes and stuff) i won't feel so famished at night. That is a huge goal for me. i am even putting up my little post-it notes in the kitchen and around the house. "Eat breakfast", " Lunch at 1:00", "No snacking after 9:00", and my favourite "Follow YOUR plan!!!". Adding to all this, the keeping up on taking my meds (when i have them) and making sure i always have them. Plus there is the checking of the blood sugars. Time to kick it up a notch. i may even join the Y and get some exercise in. That would be a big help. There are some programs i am interested in. i just need to try them, so i can actually see if i can do them. This is where my Sis's membership will come in handy. She can let me join a few classes for a free trial before i decide what it is i want to participate in.
i am missing Thistle. She was cute and calming to me. i could just sit and hold her for hours. i want a hedgehog so badly. i have made a deal with my Sis, that once i am approved for ODSP, i can get one. i am going to get a male and E and i are going to breed them. Mine will be registered, so that can add to the value of the babies. i just have to find a registered breeder, and get the supplies, and then off we can go. Some research is involved, but i am up for it. Who knows, i may just end up with a clan of them.
i have decided to be a role model for my Dad. i have got to get back on the horse in keeping my blood sugars normal. Got to. How can i tell my Dad what to do, when i am doing the complete opposite? Yesterday was grocery shopping, and i have so much healthy food in the house, it is ridiculous. Yes there are treats for the MIT, but i am going to make myself stay away from them. i even have yogurt for me for my night time snack. Raspberry and dragon fruit is yummy. Today i was good and actually had breakfast. Egg and toast. Maybe if i eat all day (portion sizes and stuff) i won't feel so famished at night. That is a huge goal for me. i am even putting up my little post-it notes in the kitchen and around the house. "Eat breakfast", " Lunch at 1:00", "No snacking after 9:00", and my favourite "Follow YOUR plan!!!". Adding to all this, the keeping up on taking my meds (when i have them) and making sure i always have them. Plus there is the checking of the blood sugars. Time to kick it up a notch. i may even join the Y and get some exercise in. That would be a big help. There are some programs i am interested in. i just need to try them, so i can actually see if i can do them. This is where my Sis's membership will come in handy. She can let me join a few classes for a free trial before i decide what it is i want to participate in.
i am missing Thistle. She was cute and calming to me. i could just sit and hold her for hours. i want a hedgehog so badly. i have made a deal with my Sis, that once i am approved for ODSP, i can get one. i am going to get a male and E and i are going to breed them. Mine will be registered, so that can add to the value of the babies. i just have to find a registered breeder, and get the supplies, and then off we can go. Some research is involved, but i am up for it. Who knows, i may just end up with a clan of them.
L and i have reconnected. i am not going to let that friendship go. i will be emailing her, or calling her once a week. Same as i do with P. They can be so controlling LOL. That is partly why i love them both. It is nice and comforting to have my family back together. Now to get us all back in the same room at the same time.
Today is forms and deadlines. i have my "income assessment" for my housing to hand in today. i have meds to pickup. i have my gas bill to hand into OW to increase my check (they took off $100 because of my van). The increase will only be about $20, but everything helps.
Wow, this bdsm journal sure has nothing to do with bdsm. It hasn't for a while. Then again, that is where my life is right now. BDMS, not a priority. Getting my life somewhat normal is. You can't give over control of something you don't already have control over. That is what i am working on. Getting control of my life (where i can) so that when i find One that can handle me (LOL), i have my life under enough control, that giving over some of it, is a true symbol of my submission.
Well, time to go to the drug store, and then home to take meds.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Taking steps
i have started taking the steps to quitting smoking. i have removed the ashtray from near the computer. i have removed the ashtray from my room. i have 2 ashtrays out, and the rest put away. i am changing where i smoke, and when i smoke. All steps to making my quit day easier.
Other stuff. Hmmm. On the 4th i had the diabetic clinic, then doctors, then dentist. At the clinic, i told them about my quit date. i also told them about me cooking more and ordering in less. i was honest about not checking my blood sugars, about not taking my meds all the time, and about the amount of stress i was under. i told them about the antibiotics, and the strep. They were really happy. i mean really happy. They were proud of my choices. They were proud of my attempts. They understood about the stress. i walked out feeling pretty good about myself.
Off to the doctor's i went. We also talked about my stress level, how i was feeling, and what was going on in my life. We talked about the upcoming surgery, and what would happen if the gyno couldn't do the tubal. Another good appointment.
Off to the dentist. An emergency situation. Real pain i couldn't handle anymore. It was decided i would have a tooth removed. So, in goes the freezing and out comes the tooth. Ouch, Ouch, Ouch. The gauze kept catching on something. i found a "sliver" i could wiggle around. i went back to the dentist the next day. He couldn't see anything. That night, i did it myself. i found the sliver, took a pair of jewelry pliers and pulled out the sliver. Yes it was bloody, and yes it hurt, but i did it. Since then, the healing has been happening nicely.
Today i am home with a sick kid. Yes the MIT is sick again. Cough, sneezes of projectile mucus, and a fever. He was home also yesterday. These past two days have been filled with Smallville. i think my brain has turned to mush.
Today i also went out shopping with my Mom for my birthday presents. i had given her a detailed list, and she got what she could off it, but i wanted to pick out 2 things myself. my family doesn't care if i know what i am getting, they are just happy i am wanting to celebrate this year, and actually want stuff, and not just money.
Here is my list:
i don't know if i am avoiding anything, or if i am just feeling hyper. Heck i am not really feeling anything. i am worried about the surgery. i am worried about the MIT. i am worried about finances. i am worried about getting wool and patterns for after the 18th. i am worried about my teeth. i guess i am avoiding a few feelings right now. my big question is, how do i face them?
OK, time to go and spend more time with the MIT until the nurse gets here, and then off to read for a while.
Other stuff. Hmmm. On the 4th i had the diabetic clinic, then doctors, then dentist. At the clinic, i told them about my quit date. i also told them about me cooking more and ordering in less. i was honest about not checking my blood sugars, about not taking my meds all the time, and about the amount of stress i was under. i told them about the antibiotics, and the strep. They were really happy. i mean really happy. They were proud of my choices. They were proud of my attempts. They understood about the stress. i walked out feeling pretty good about myself.
Off to the doctor's i went. We also talked about my stress level, how i was feeling, and what was going on in my life. We talked about the upcoming surgery, and what would happen if the gyno couldn't do the tubal. Another good appointment.
Off to the dentist. An emergency situation. Real pain i couldn't handle anymore. It was decided i would have a tooth removed. So, in goes the freezing and out comes the tooth. Ouch, Ouch, Ouch. The gauze kept catching on something. i found a "sliver" i could wiggle around. i went back to the dentist the next day. He couldn't see anything. That night, i did it myself. i found the sliver, took a pair of jewelry pliers and pulled out the sliver. Yes it was bloody, and yes it hurt, but i did it. Since then, the healing has been happening nicely.
Today i am home with a sick kid. Yes the MIT is sick again. Cough, sneezes of projectile mucus, and a fever. He was home also yesterday. These past two days have been filled with Smallville. i think my brain has turned to mush.
Today i also went out shopping with my Mom for my birthday presents. i had given her a detailed list, and she got what she could off it, but i wanted to pick out 2 things myself. my family doesn't care if i know what i am getting, they are just happy i am wanting to celebrate this year, and actually want stuff, and not just money.
Here is my list:
- enamel coated cast iron dutch oven - gotten
- cutting board - gotten
- wire shelves (for the bathroom) - gotten
- cutlery tray
- 2 mortar and pestles - gotten (1)
i don't know if i am avoiding anything, or if i am just feeling hyper. Heck i am not really feeling anything. i am worried about the surgery. i am worried about the MIT. i am worried about finances. i am worried about getting wool and patterns for after the 18th. i am worried about my teeth. i guess i am avoiding a few feelings right now. my big question is, how do i face them?
OK, time to go and spend more time with the MIT until the nurse gets here, and then off to read for a while.
Friday, January 09, 2009
Reflection on the appointment
Today was therapy day. i didn't vent much. i felt relaxed enough to cry there. i cried a lot.
i have decided the word "tired" isn't enough. i am now using the word defeated. That is how i am feeling. Defeated.
One of the main things we talked about was me getting my diabetes under control. i have been thinking about how to do that since the appointment. i don't know how. Yes i have a diabetic clinic that i go to that has a nurse and a dietitian. Yes i have the backing of my doctor, and now my therapist. i don't know how they can help past what they are doing it. i know it has to be me that does it. i know what to do. i have read the books. i have listened to the dietitian. i have listened to the nurse. i have listened to the doctor. i know i should be eating 4 times a day. i know i have medications to take. i know what types of food to eat, and even what portions to have. i know i need to add exercise to my routine. my biggest problem, is i really don't care enough about myself to stick to it.
When the stress and depression get so bad i am thinking of letting go of the cliff, i loose myself in the depression and forget to take my meds, and don't eat or don't eat right. When i am lost in that depression, i don't want to move, or leave the house, and i don't have the money to join a gym. WW helped me in the past, but i don't have the money to do it, or the energy to follow through with the meal plans. Yes i cook when i can, but it is because i know i will not have the energy the next time to actually prepare a meal.
So i feel stuck. i feel defeated. i feel like i am defeating myself
i have decided the word "tired" isn't enough. i am now using the word defeated. That is how i am feeling. Defeated.
One of the main things we talked about was me getting my diabetes under control. i have been thinking about how to do that since the appointment. i don't know how. Yes i have a diabetic clinic that i go to that has a nurse and a dietitian. Yes i have the backing of my doctor, and now my therapist. i don't know how they can help past what they are doing it. i know it has to be me that does it. i know what to do. i have read the books. i have listened to the dietitian. i have listened to the nurse. i have listened to the doctor. i know i should be eating 4 times a day. i know i have medications to take. i know what types of food to eat, and even what portions to have. i know i need to add exercise to my routine. my biggest problem, is i really don't care enough about myself to stick to it.
When the stress and depression get so bad i am thinking of letting go of the cliff, i loose myself in the depression and forget to take my meds, and don't eat or don't eat right. When i am lost in that depression, i don't want to move, or leave the house, and i don't have the money to join a gym. WW helped me in the past, but i don't have the money to do it, or the energy to follow through with the meal plans. Yes i cook when i can, but it is because i know i will not have the energy the next time to actually prepare a meal.
So i feel stuck. i feel defeated. i feel like i am defeating myself
Saturday, October 11, 2008
A week in review
Last weekend went great. We had a great time going camping. Sure it was chilly, but we had the heater and a nice fire to keep us warm. Add the bonus of a nice sunny Sunday and a slightly sunny Saturday, and we had a great time. MIT tried fishing again. He got bored again. We did get to see gaggles of Canadian Geese fly in and land on the lake. Now there is a sound that is undescribable. Even Dad enjoyed that part. There was no rain. It was great. The only problem was after we had packed up and were ready to go. The Beast (van) didn't start and we had to wait for CAA to save us. Oh, and yes we are going again in November. i know some people will think we are crazy, but we are all enjoying the quiet, the undivided attention of each other, and the learning how to survive in that kind of weather. i can actually see us possibly doing this every month (well, we will see). i know that next year we will be doing more camping. It is just fun.
After getting back from Camping, i found out my friends got together and did a head shaving. God i was hurt. No one talked to me about it. i could have done it while camping and had Dad and the MIT help me. It would have added something to the weekend. It isn't just that though. i am the kind of person that will sit back and wait for someone to ask for help. i put out the offer, and then let them come to me. i don't want to be over crowded when i am going through a crisis, so i try not to do that to others. They haven't really called. On top of that, i haven't heard from L&D since camp or since the announcement about D. i have left messages, but heard nothing. i probubly insulted them again, but they aren't telling me. Same as last year i take it.
News about D is not good. D isn't getting any better. She is getting worse. She isn't strong enough for chemo. It is a wait and see now.
News about the MIT isn't good. He is seizing more and more. He seized at least 4 times on the camping weekend. We have upped His meds. He doesn't know. He doesn't need to know. He is convinced He doesn't have seizures, because i have said all these years that His AHC wasn't seizures. He isn't ready to know He is getting worse. The school has noticed. They have seen Him using His chair more and more. The thing i see every day, is my child dying. The more seizures, the more chance of stuff going wrong, and the prognosis at this point is more seizures until He dies. This sucks
Other than that, this week has been quiet. Nothing really happening here at home. i have been taking care of the house. i have been doing dishes. i have been doing laundry. i have been taking my meds. i have been watching my blood sugars lower. That feels good. i have been vacuuming and stuff. The house actually feels tidy and clean. i have been heating the house with candles again.
The only exciting thing was that M and La and baby girl came over Tuesday night. It was nice having them all here. Today i am going to their place for some quiet and alone time with M. Plus, tomorrow i don't have to come home early, so will get to spend some time at the hobby shop watching, and maybe participating in a few Magic games.
OK, time for a shower and to get dressed and to finish packing up my stuff for the treck out.
After getting back from Camping, i found out my friends got together and did a head shaving. God i was hurt. No one talked to me about it. i could have done it while camping and had Dad and the MIT help me. It would have added something to the weekend. It isn't just that though. i am the kind of person that will sit back and wait for someone to ask for help. i put out the offer, and then let them come to me. i don't want to be over crowded when i am going through a crisis, so i try not to do that to others. They haven't really called. On top of that, i haven't heard from L&D since camp or since the announcement about D. i have left messages, but heard nothing. i probubly insulted them again, but they aren't telling me. Same as last year i take it.
News about D is not good. D isn't getting any better. She is getting worse. She isn't strong enough for chemo. It is a wait and see now.
News about the MIT isn't good. He is seizing more and more. He seized at least 4 times on the camping weekend. We have upped His meds. He doesn't know. He doesn't need to know. He is convinced He doesn't have seizures, because i have said all these years that His AHC wasn't seizures. He isn't ready to know He is getting worse. The school has noticed. They have seen Him using His chair more and more. The thing i see every day, is my child dying. The more seizures, the more chance of stuff going wrong, and the prognosis at this point is more seizures until He dies. This sucks
Other than that, this week has been quiet. Nothing really happening here at home. i have been taking care of the house. i have been doing dishes. i have been doing laundry. i have been taking my meds. i have been watching my blood sugars lower. That feels good. i have been vacuuming and stuff. The house actually feels tidy and clean. i have been heating the house with candles again.
The only exciting thing was that M and La and baby girl came over Tuesday night. It was nice having them all here. Today i am going to their place for some quiet and alone time with M. Plus, tomorrow i don't have to come home early, so will get to spend some time at the hobby shop watching, and maybe participating in a few Magic games.
OK, time for a shower and to get dressed and to finish packing up my stuff for the treck out.
Monday, September 22, 2008
A nice weekend...and a nice acceptance
This weekend i actually went to M's and La's place. i hadn't gone to their place yet, and thought it was about time that i spent the gas money to see M, and not just him using his gas money to see me. i was nervous. i was worried. Heck i was even scared. i was going to be in the company of M, his daughter, and his wife, for all of Saturday and most of Sunday. i wasn't sure how the dynamic would be pulled off.
So, i arrived Saturday. The baby girl was asleep, and M was there with open arms, a hug, kisses and nibbles. We did a lot of that. Eventually we woke the baby girl, and he went to get La from work. i stayed with baby girl so they could have some quiet time together, and so they could get some groceries without her being a pain. Baby girl and i had a good time together. i like being around a 2 1/1 year old. i get to be more of a kid. i also get to be a friend. i did do something foolish. i got baby girl to help me clean up a bit, something M and La have had problems getting her to do. i spouted off about it when they got home. i didn't mean to, it just came out. i was seeking approval, but ended up making La feel like a bad mom. i made sure not to do that the next day. We had a good evening. M made a nice dinner. We all ate quietly. La and M bathed baby girl. La and M put her to bed. La and M discussed the sleeping arrangements. The decided all 3 of us would be in the same bed. La went to bed early. We all ended up in bed earlier than we all normally do. While La was settling, M and i fooled around in the living room.
Now, here is something completely different, and something i never thought i would have thought possible, especially by me, but M had multiple orgasms. 3 to be exact. All in a row. He never got soft, and i didn't stop sucking. 3 times. i can't believe it. i have never had that reaction from a guy. Then again, i am used to older men. But man it was cool. We ended up going to bed shortly after. He was totally exhausted. i slept at the end of the bed, at E's feet. He slept with his feet on the pillows and used me as his pillow. It was really cool. i want a king size bed.
Sunday morning was good. We all lazed in bed listening to baby girl play. Eventually we each got up. La made baby girl's breakfast, and i fed her, so La could have some more quiet time. M lazed in bed a bit longer. After breakfast, M dragged me back to the bedroom while E and baby girl watched a movies. We fooled around a bit. He got all toppy on me. It was cool. i got all nervous about La walking in on us, so he slowed down for my comfort. Later, they talked about what would have happened, and La said she would have just giggled and walked away. La had her shower while baby girl and i played, and M watched. Then it was my turn in the shower. Then M's turn. Then it was time for me and M to head out.
We went to a gaming store. M has a standing appointment at the store to play Magic. Magic is a card game. He has taught me a little, and i understand on a basic level. Watching him play with two others that know what they are doing was cool. His excitement shined through. So did his confidence. It was like when Mike and i would go bowling. Something outside of the BDSM stuff, where we could be "normal" people. We couldn't touch each other or show any signs of affection. The people there know La, and know he is married. We didn't think they could handle the idea that La and M are poly. i really did enjoy myself. We headed back to the apartment after a few games were played, to a dinner cooked by a happy La, and a very happy baby girl. La filled us in on how her day went, and we sat down to a good meal. Then it was time for me to get going.
i couldn't believe it. La pouted. M pouted also, but i didn't expect E to be upset that i was leaving. She likes me. She really likes me. She likes that i make M happy. She likes that i can play with baby girl and not try to take over. She likes that i defer to her, and not try to play "who is alpha" with her. She likes me. M didn't want me to leave, and i didn't want to leave much either. i liked the feeling of warmth and acceptance there. i like that i wasn't in town. i like how it was a mini vacation for me. Eventually i did leave. i got home safe and sound, and called to let them know.
Overall, the weekend was cool. i couldn't have intercourse because i had a PAP scheduled for Monday, but i got to feed. i got to feed a lot. i got to orgasm a lot also. He likes watching me when i orgasm. It is unnerving to a person that is easily embarrassed by her facial expressions, and that is exactly the type of person i am. He likes it though, so it makes it easier. He also likes that part of me i totally don't like. He thinks is it sweet. i think it is hideous. It is weird for me to be with someone that so totally finds me attractive. Weird / different, not weird / odd.
When the MIT came home, He came home sick. He stayed home from school today. He came to the doctor's with me. i had my PAP done, and have my paperwork for my blood work (a commitment i made at the diabetic clinic last week). my blood pressure was good, my weight is down. The cut on my breast is healing nicely. It was a good appointment. Then the MIT and i went and got some stuff from the grocery store. With it being the equinox, i made stew with potatoes, carrots, and rutabaga. We also have apples for apple crisp tomorrow.
i am cancelling giving E a reflexology treatment tomorrow. With the MIT being sick, and home, it wouldn't help her much. Also, i don't want to expose her or D to the MIT's cold. D's immune system is probably compromised, and i don't want to make things worse. i think i will actually call E and ask her what she would like to do. She may be desperate enough to still want the treatment, and to get the time away from her house. i just don't want to make things worse for her, P or D. (ok, called and E still wants the treatment, and i still want to see her because i miss her, and so we are on for tomorrow)
It was a good and nice weekend, and different than i have ever experienced. i am glad i am seeing/being with M. i am liking being with someone again. i am enjoying the acceptance from La. i am happy, and i am enjoying that too.
So, i arrived Saturday. The baby girl was asleep, and M was there with open arms, a hug, kisses and nibbles. We did a lot of that. Eventually we woke the baby girl, and he went to get La from work. i stayed with baby girl so they could have some quiet time together, and so they could get some groceries without her being a pain. Baby girl and i had a good time together. i like being around a 2 1/1 year old. i get to be more of a kid. i also get to be a friend. i did do something foolish. i got baby girl to help me clean up a bit, something M and La have had problems getting her to do. i spouted off about it when they got home. i didn't mean to, it just came out. i was seeking approval, but ended up making La feel like a bad mom. i made sure not to do that the next day. We had a good evening. M made a nice dinner. We all ate quietly. La and M bathed baby girl. La and M put her to bed. La and M discussed the sleeping arrangements. The decided all 3 of us would be in the same bed. La went to bed early. We all ended up in bed earlier than we all normally do. While La was settling, M and i fooled around in the living room.
Now, here is something completely different, and something i never thought i would have thought possible, especially by me, but M had multiple orgasms. 3 to be exact. All in a row. He never got soft, and i didn't stop sucking. 3 times. i can't believe it. i have never had that reaction from a guy. Then again, i am used to older men. But man it was cool. We ended up going to bed shortly after. He was totally exhausted. i slept at the end of the bed, at E's feet. He slept with his feet on the pillows and used me as his pillow. It was really cool. i want a king size bed.
Sunday morning was good. We all lazed in bed listening to baby girl play. Eventually we each got up. La made baby girl's breakfast, and i fed her, so La could have some more quiet time. M lazed in bed a bit longer. After breakfast, M dragged me back to the bedroom while E and baby girl watched a movies. We fooled around a bit. He got all toppy on me. It was cool. i got all nervous about La walking in on us, so he slowed down for my comfort. Later, they talked about what would have happened, and La said she would have just giggled and walked away. La had her shower while baby girl and i played, and M watched. Then it was my turn in the shower. Then M's turn. Then it was time for me and M to head out.
We went to a gaming store. M has a standing appointment at the store to play Magic. Magic is a card game. He has taught me a little, and i understand on a basic level. Watching him play with two others that know what they are doing was cool. His excitement shined through. So did his confidence. It was like when Mike and i would go bowling. Something outside of the BDSM stuff, where we could be "normal" people. We couldn't touch each other or show any signs of affection. The people there know La, and know he is married. We didn't think they could handle the idea that La and M are poly. i really did enjoy myself. We headed back to the apartment after a few games were played, to a dinner cooked by a happy La, and a very happy baby girl. La filled us in on how her day went, and we sat down to a good meal. Then it was time for me to get going.
i couldn't believe it. La pouted. M pouted also, but i didn't expect E to be upset that i was leaving. She likes me. She really likes me. She likes that i make M happy. She likes that i can play with baby girl and not try to take over. She likes that i defer to her, and not try to play "who is alpha" with her. She likes me. M didn't want me to leave, and i didn't want to leave much either. i liked the feeling of warmth and acceptance there. i like that i wasn't in town. i like how it was a mini vacation for me. Eventually i did leave. i got home safe and sound, and called to let them know.
Overall, the weekend was cool. i couldn't have intercourse because i had a PAP scheduled for Monday, but i got to feed. i got to feed a lot. i got to orgasm a lot also. He likes watching me when i orgasm. It is unnerving to a person that is easily embarrassed by her facial expressions, and that is exactly the type of person i am. He likes it though, so it makes it easier. He also likes that part of me i totally don't like. He thinks is it sweet. i think it is hideous. It is weird for me to be with someone that so totally finds me attractive. Weird / different, not weird / odd.
When the MIT came home, He came home sick. He stayed home from school today. He came to the doctor's with me. i had my PAP done, and have my paperwork for my blood work (a commitment i made at the diabetic clinic last week). my blood pressure was good, my weight is down. The cut on my breast is healing nicely. It was a good appointment. Then the MIT and i went and got some stuff from the grocery store. With it being the equinox, i made stew with potatoes, carrots, and rutabaga. We also have apples for apple crisp tomorrow.
i am cancelling giving E a reflexology treatment tomorrow. With the MIT being sick, and home, it wouldn't help her much. Also, i don't want to expose her or D to the MIT's cold. D's immune system is probably compromised, and i don't want to make things worse. i think i will actually call E and ask her what she would like to do. She may be desperate enough to still want the treatment, and to get the time away from her house. i just don't want to make things worse for her, P or D. (ok, called and E still wants the treatment, and i still want to see her because i miss her, and so we are on for tomorrow)
It was a good and nice weekend, and different than i have ever experienced. i am glad i am seeing/being with M. i am liking being with someone again. i am enjoying the acceptance from La. i am happy, and i am enjoying that too.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Just another day (day 23)
Today is just another day. Things are good. Things are moving slowly around here. We aren't in any hurry to do anything. We wake-up when we want. We eat when we are hungry. We get dressed slowly. It is a nice, slow, summer.
i am really enjoying the new thermostat. i can see exactly what the temp is in the house. i have used less a/c this year, than any prior year. This will surely help my hydro bill. It will also help my gas bill in the winter. That is a good thing.
The MIT is still hurting. i don't know why His hip has been hurting so much. i will have to ask the doctor today about it again. i am going to ask her to refer Him to a specialist. He needs to be able to walk without pain.
Today i will also be asking the doctor to refer me to the diabetic clinic at MUMC. i need their help. i am doing my best, and have made some really good changes, but i am still not able to handle my cravings. i need backup with that. i am currently eating the same breakfast every morning. variety at that meal is not an issue. The same thing is easy, and i feel comfortable with it. It is healthy and good for me, and i actually eat breakfast now. Lunches are my most difficult. i don't really know what to reach for. Dinners are ok, as long as i eat it late. If i eat it too soon, i start craving more and more food as the night goes on. That along with the no sleep seems to work really well.
Over the last week, the MIT has had a really rough time with His body. His right side was gone (off and on) from Thursday until Thursday, and then His body changed sides. His left side has been gone (on and off) since then. His balance is sucking. He falls even when both sides work really well. His physical milestones are just leaving Him. At least His social skills, and His cognitive abilities are growing. That sucks in its own way. He is more aware of how much His body is letting Him down.
Well, that is all for today. i have realized i write more in my written journal than here, and i get lost in what i actually post here verses what i write in there. i have been writing so much, i will soon need a new journal.
i am really enjoying the new thermostat. i can see exactly what the temp is in the house. i have used less a/c this year, than any prior year. This will surely help my hydro bill. It will also help my gas bill in the winter. That is a good thing.
The MIT is still hurting. i don't know why His hip has been hurting so much. i will have to ask the doctor today about it again. i am going to ask her to refer Him to a specialist. He needs to be able to walk without pain.
Today i will also be asking the doctor to refer me to the diabetic clinic at MUMC. i need their help. i am doing my best, and have made some really good changes, but i am still not able to handle my cravings. i need backup with that. i am currently eating the same breakfast every morning. variety at that meal is not an issue. The same thing is easy, and i feel comfortable with it. It is healthy and good for me, and i actually eat breakfast now. Lunches are my most difficult. i don't really know what to reach for. Dinners are ok, as long as i eat it late. If i eat it too soon, i start craving more and more food as the night goes on. That along with the no sleep seems to work really well.
Over the last week, the MIT has had a really rough time with His body. His right side was gone (off and on) from Thursday until Thursday, and then His body changed sides. His left side has been gone (on and off) since then. His balance is sucking. He falls even when both sides work really well. His physical milestones are just leaving Him. At least His social skills, and His cognitive abilities are growing. That sucks in its own way. He is more aware of how much His body is letting Him down.
Well, that is all for today. i have realized i write more in my written journal than here, and i get lost in what i actually post here verses what i write in there. i have been writing so much, i will soon need a new journal.
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
Happy Canada Day (day 14 of summer vacation)
Happy Canada Day everyone. Today has been pretty uneventful for me and the MIT. We watched tennis (again LOL) The MIT hates watching tennis. It has been the week for it. Wimbledon is my favourite tennis series.
i guess i am surviving summer so far. Not much sleep. i am still able to function. i am much easier to tears right now. The MIT and i go out at least once a day. We do some sort of running around. We sometimes work in a walk. i do have to admit a lot of our time is in the house. i can only handle pushing Him so far. He has found a lot of games online that He likes. Plus, for my own survival, i have actually gotten digital cable. He is really enjoying all the new and different channels. Flipping has never been so much fun for Him.
i am taking my diabetes much more seriously. i bought the book "Diabetes for Canadians for Dummies". my friend Sh suggested it. She is my inspiration right now. She has done really well since finding out she is also diabetic. i have known for much longer and haven't done too much about it. Right now i am taking my blood sugar levels before and after every meal. i am recording it in a booklet i made. i am going to be asking my doctor to refer me back to the diabetic clinic at MUMC when i see her on the 10th. i am also making changes in my diet, and the MIT's diet. i have cut back on the diet Pepsi. i am down to 4-5 cans a day. Brita water is my new best friend. i am eating a healthy breakfast, lunch and dinner that includes all food groups. i am also watching my portion sizes. One problem is i am finding that between 7-9 i am hungry. i tried moving my times to eat later, but it hasn't worked yet. At least i know there is a problem, and i am going to figure out a plan to combat it.
Tomorrow the plan is to go to L&D's. The MIT wants to be blond again, and He needs a trim. i am also missing them terribly. i haven't seen them since April. Tomorrow should be a really good day. i can't wait to meet Atlas. The MIT might have a bit of a problem, but He will handle it. i wonder what the back yard looks like with the fence. Hmmmm. i can't even remember the last time the MIT or i was there. i think it was back at the end of September, before the MIT went to Australia. Wow, that sure is a long time.
Well, it is time for me to head to bed. i hope to catch a few winks between beeps. He is up to 15 apnea's already. This is going to be a long night.
i guess i am surviving summer so far. Not much sleep. i am still able to function. i am much easier to tears right now. The MIT and i go out at least once a day. We do some sort of running around. We sometimes work in a walk. i do have to admit a lot of our time is in the house. i can only handle pushing Him so far. He has found a lot of games online that He likes. Plus, for my own survival, i have actually gotten digital cable. He is really enjoying all the new and different channels. Flipping has never been so much fun for Him.
i am taking my diabetes much more seriously. i bought the book "Diabetes for Canadians for Dummies". my friend Sh suggested it. She is my inspiration right now. She has done really well since finding out she is also diabetic. i have known for much longer and haven't done too much about it. Right now i am taking my blood sugar levels before and after every meal. i am recording it in a booklet i made. i am going to be asking my doctor to refer me back to the diabetic clinic at MUMC when i see her on the 10th. i am also making changes in my diet, and the MIT's diet. i have cut back on the diet Pepsi. i am down to 4-5 cans a day. Brita water is my new best friend. i am eating a healthy breakfast, lunch and dinner that includes all food groups. i am also watching my portion sizes. One problem is i am finding that between 7-9 i am hungry. i tried moving my times to eat later, but it hasn't worked yet. At least i know there is a problem, and i am going to figure out a plan to combat it.
Tomorrow the plan is to go to L&D's. The MIT wants to be blond again, and He needs a trim. i am also missing them terribly. i haven't seen them since April. Tomorrow should be a really good day. i can't wait to meet Atlas. The MIT might have a bit of a problem, but He will handle it. i wonder what the back yard looks like with the fence. Hmmmm. i can't even remember the last time the MIT or i was there. i think it was back at the end of September, before the MIT went to Australia. Wow, that sure is a long time.
Well, it is time for me to head to bed. i hope to catch a few winks between beeps. He is up to 15 apnea's already. This is going to be a long night.
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
Still not depressed or manic
i know i have said this before, but it still amazes me. i feel....centered. Things are just copacetic.
i am taking all my meds on time. It feels good to have been doing it for a full month without forgetting. my sticker idea is working. 2 more weeks, and they say it becomes a habit. i will still be keeping up with the stickers in my day planner. It makes my planner look really nice, and pretty, and cool. i really like doing it.
i have been eating better. Well, i was until the weekend. i binged on chinese food and chocolate. It is hard to get back to eating healthier after that. The urges from the meds makes it more difficult. i am craving more food after i have actually eaten. i still struggle with making myself eat, but once food hits my mouth, i want to keep eating until i feel sick from being over full. i really hate this struggle. i have been taking my blood sugars more. They are really showing when i binge.
The drama with Sir_Tony_47 hasn't finished yet. He keeps messaging me on yahoo. If it wasn't so pathetic it would be funny. Apparently the woman i contacted from alt, that he told me was his ex, isn't his ex, and now i have caused trouble between him and her. Ooooops :)
Well, the MIT is now off to school. Time for me to actually get some sleep.
i am taking all my meds on time. It feels good to have been doing it for a full month without forgetting. my sticker idea is working. 2 more weeks, and they say it becomes a habit. i will still be keeping up with the stickers in my day planner. It makes my planner look really nice, and pretty, and cool. i really like doing it.
i have been eating better. Well, i was until the weekend. i binged on chinese food and chocolate. It is hard to get back to eating healthier after that. The urges from the meds makes it more difficult. i am craving more food after i have actually eaten. i still struggle with making myself eat, but once food hits my mouth, i want to keep eating until i feel sick from being over full. i really hate this struggle. i have been taking my blood sugars more. They are really showing when i binge.
The drama with Sir_Tony_47 hasn't finished yet. He keeps messaging me on yahoo. If it wasn't so pathetic it would be funny. Apparently the woman i contacted from alt, that he told me was his ex, isn't his ex, and now i have caused trouble between him and her. Ooooops :)
Well, the MIT is now off to school. Time for me to actually get some sleep.