The First Snow...while camping!!!!

So this past week has been difficult. i have been having panic attacks every day. i can't seem to make it out of the house. i have been finding excuses to not go out. i have been cooking, cleaning, making things "perfect" here, so i feel safe and in control. i am needing the feeling of control. Without it i just plain brake down. i didn't really know how i would handle camping, but i did ok.

We arrived Friday. No rain while we set-up camp. i was able to have a fire and get the stew warming up in the dutch oven. After dinner, i started to prepare to do dishes, and we hit a bump in our plans. We found out there was no water at the site. We had to come up with some quick solutions. We figured it out, and then the rain started. Quick get into the tent. We had a nice quiet night hanging out in the tent. The MIT and Dad watched DVD's and i read my book. We ended up settling for the night around 7:00. At 1:30am, we were woken up to loud music. i took a walk to the offending site and asked them to turn it down. They were very polite. We all returned to the tent and went back to sleep.


Saturday morning we found the second bump in our camping adventure. We found out the tent was leaking. The floor of the tent was soaking wet. The picture is of Dad building a trench around the tent, in the hopes of shifting the water from around the it. i lifted the sleeping bags and kept the heater going so they could try and dry out. i sealed the seam in the bottom of the tent. That we could live with. Then we hit the third bump. Dad had forgotten to tell me to bring my grill from my BBQ. Off to Hamilton i drove. Then the fourth bump, my period started. Ok, not that great a weekend so far. i returned to the site and i made chicken noodle soup from scratch for lunch. First cooking experience for me again. It turned out really nicely. Especially since it was raining. The MIT spent the day watching DVD's under the awning of the tent, and i kept watch on the tent and sleeping bags drying. By the time Dad made dinner (Smokey bacon wrapped shrimp) i thought the tent was dry enough for us all to be able to climb back in and settle where it was dry and warm. i was wrong.

(MIT eating Smokey Bacon Wrapped Shrimp)

Turned out, while we ate dinner, and while we watched DVD's, the bottom of the tent was still leaking, and all the sleeping bags were soaking wet again. We did piles of blankets and sheets to sleep on, and we did the best we could. i had a mini break down at that point, because i kept feeling that if either Dad or the MIT complained, i had to fix it. And then, because i couldn't fix it, no one would enjoy the time we had together. i voiced this and was told (well sort of, we ended up joking about it quickly) that i was not Mother Nature, and the little bumps added to the adventure. We bedded down around 7:00 again, and slept on and off during the night.

When we woke up on Sunday, we were greeted with snow covering our stuff. (Yes bump number 5). i truly lost it. i couldn't figure out how to do dishes (the propane stove had gotten wet during all the rain, and wouldn't light properly), how to pack things up, how to make dinner, and was completely lost and panicky. We fixed this with me telling my Dad that i wanted to just pack everything up, and head to my place for breakfast and the rest of the camping day. Dad agreed (since He was huddling around the fire for any form of warmth)........

and the MIT huddled in the wet tent, trying to keep warm.
The MIT agreed, and we packed up everything in less than 1 hour. We were out of there. It was just snowing so much. Yeah, the weather report said it was possible, but we had avoided the predicted weather so many times, i just didn't count on it actually happening. All the dirt dishes went into one bin, all the other stuff went into the other. Sopping wet sleeping bags laid on the tops of the wet and frozen bins. Mud tracked in and out of the van. It was a mad dash. As we were leaving, we were hit with a flurry.
We got to my place and started to unpack stuff. We had our traditional pancakes for breakfast, with coffee for the boys. i hung the sleeping bags in my shower. i did dishes and unpacking. The boys watched TV. After we had all dried off, and everything was basically out of the van, i drove Dad and the MIT to Dad's house. They were to spend the rest of the day there. It gave me a break. Once the van was unloaded with all of Dad's stuff, plus the wet and muddy tent, i headed back to my place and tried to warm up and dry out. This was hard, considering i didn't have the use of my shower or tub because of the sleeping bags.

Overall, it was a good weekend. i made it harder on myself than i should have. i didn't have to fix everything, but i needed that feeling of being in control. It took 3 days to figure out i can't compete with Mother Nature, and can't control everything. This doesn't mean i am over my panic. i still only feel safe here, in my home.

Here where i can control things. i don't know how i am going to "get over it" but i will have to figure something out. i can't just stay in the house all day, every day. There are things i have to do in life. There are things that are essential to being able to live. There is Yule and then Christmas to prepare for.

Being OK is actually OK

Today was therapy day. It was a good session. When Sandy asked how i was, i came right out and said that i was OK. i am getting used to being OK. i am dreading a time when i am not so OK, but i am enjoying being OK right now. Sandy is happy for me. She also understands that i am prepared for not being OK. She assured me that i do have the tools for when i am not OK. That was nice to hear.

We talked about how i didn't get depressed over being lied to by some guy. i didn't get depressed over the issues surrounding the MIT and school, or His cutting. i didn't get manic either. i didn't hurt myself. i cleaned. i danced around the house. i was OK.

We also talked about the MIT. Guess what. She agrees He is depressed, and wants me to push His seeing a psychiatrist. Duh. He has been depressed for a number of years. He hates Himself. The new acting out (cutting and hitting Himself) are just a progression of His depression. i had already decided to push His seeing someone more than just His Beth. Stuff is getting to the point that i don't think she can handle it. It was nice hearing Sandy back me up in how i have been feeling about the MIT. She also reassured me that with the tools that i have, i am doing the best for my son.

Right now it is snowing. i am enjoying watching it fall. It keeps flipping from giant, fluffy flakes, to the small, drizzly kind. i know a lot of people are sick of the snow and miss the sun. i have been getting my sun when it is out. i stand out side, basking in it. i open all my blinds and let it shine in the windows. i am also surrounding myself with flowers of the spring. Tulips on my alter. A pot of daffodil bulbs on my kitchen table. i have been keeping my green stuff healthy. All 4 plants on my file cabinet. 2 plants on my desk. 2 plants above my TV. 4 plants in my kitchen. i feel better when i am surrounded by green and colour.

i am also looking forward to the MIT's 16th birthday. i got my income tax back, and i am going to splurge and get Him a Nintendo DS. i had thought about a Wii, but i doubt He would play it as much as the DS. i am also looking forward to my birthday. The MIT has decided that we are going to the Mandarin for my birthday dinner. i know He has already gotten my gift. He did it when i was at therapy. It will be a good time.

Soon to be 38, and still counting. That is remarkable in its own right, considering how suicidal i have been.

Tomorrow and today

Tomorrow, the date i was supposed to have, well, i got scammed. The man wasn't who he said he was. i found out before meeting him. He has my address. i was stupid in the fact that i moved to fast, but smart when things he said didn't make sense anymore. i am feeling more stupid than smart. i am feeling more angry at myself than at the liar. Live and learn.

Today was a difficult day. Today the school told the MIT that He is no longer allowed to move around the caffateria and socialize unless He is in His wheel chair. i warned Him yesterday. i caught Him cutting Himself. His cutting came after a lot of Him swearing and yelling in His room.

i didn't want to shame Him. i am a cutter myself. i know that won't help Him stop. He has an appointment with His therapist, but not until the middle of March. He doesn't know what to do with large amounts of emotions. i don't know how to teach Him how to deal with them. i can only come up with plans for Him to follow (like swearing in His room, or punching His pillow) when He feels so overwhelmed.

Yesterday, i decided i needed to brighten up this place. i replaced light bulbs. i bought flowers. i set up my altar to reflect the coming seasonal change.

Isn't it pretty? The morning sun lights it up really nicely. The little leprechaun is a candle and a gift from the MIT last year. i will be burning it this year. The MIT wants me to.

i am not depressed over everything that has happened. That is a good thing. i am not manic. That is also a good thing. i seem to be pretty even keeled right now. It is a little weird. Good but weird. i am more used to being up or down. It is interesting getting used to.

Well, i guess that is all for now. Wish me luck on the weekend if the liar shows up. i do have backup, so i am not that worried. i am just hoping it is over.

Snow Day!!!!!!

It is officially a snow day. The MIT was supposed to go to school today, but that has changed because of the weather. School was cancelled. YEAH !!!!!!

Now all i have to hope is that my doctor's appointment isn't cancelled, because i don't know how long i can deal with this pain. This damned cyst is killing me. The antibiotics are killing me. Well, not really killing me, but draining me of energy. The pain is bad when i have to move around. The antibiotics make my stomach feel really bad.

Yeah for no school, but booo if my appointment is cancelled.

New Year's Day Morning

Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!

This is what i woke up to. Isn't it pretty. A snow day, but on a holiday. The snow isn't stopping any time soon. Today is a day to curl up with candles, warm soup, and the MIT. Sounds good.

37 years old

Yes, today is my birthday. Today i am 37. At least i am not 40. i know that in 3 years i will be, but for right now, i'm not.

i spent a nice quiet night last night. i watched 2 movies, and had Chinese food. It was great. The snow was blowing. i was quiet and comfy in my robe and just plain vegged out and watched movies. E was right, Timeline was great.

Today is the day i was to make no plans. So that is what i am doing. i am fiddling around the house, tidying here and there, but not really doing much. i know i am getting company from good friends, i just don't know when or what to expect. It is a nice mind set. One i haven't had in a while. Knowing that other people are planning stuff, and i am totally in the dark. Who says i can't handle surprises. i guess i am learning too. i think it is that whole go-with-the-flow thing. i am enjoying it.

So, for the girl that has no plans, i am going to head back to my relaxing bed, and nap for a while, because i can. When i wake up? i have no idea what i will do. Probably have a shower. Not sure if i am going to get out of my comfy robe or not yet. Maybe watch another movie. Just go with the flow of the day.

Happy Birthday to me!!!!

Valentine's day and Trapped

So it is Valentine's Day. Great. Single, with no partner. It is just another day. The MIT is getting a Valentine. Something He has earned. His own house key. He is going to be thrilled. When i let Him open it.

We are trapped in the house today. The snow at my door is higher than my knees. i know i am going to have to shovel. It is sad when a plow can't even make it threw all the snow in the survey. More snow is falling. Stores are closed. Services are cancelled. The city is shut down. It is really cool when you think about it. But to someone that has stuff to do, and a trip to plan for, it is really scary.

i feel like i have so much stuff to get done before we leave. Today does not feel like a day i should be stuck in the house, with no place to go, and nothing to get done. It feels like i should be up to my ears errands, chores and panic. At least i do not feel the panic. This is one of those days i have been telling the MIT about for years.

The big storms of my childhood. The stories of us and our neighbours going out and having show fights while the grownups try to shovel. Memories of everyone in the area helping each other out. i wish i was a kid again, and liked playing in the snow. i wish i had snow pants and could go out without worrying about feeling cold. Lots of hot chocolate would be had. OK, shovelling doesn't sound so bad anymore. Shovel, get hot chocolate, get exercise, and get to make a path from my front door to my van.

So, for today.....

• shovel walkway
• pack some clothes in luggage
• clean the bathroom
• do dishes
• vacuum the living room
• finish puzzle

OK, that sounds like a good plan. But first, the MIT gets His present!