Away and hiding (medically hiding)

So my symptoms made it impossible for me to take care of myself. The doctor finally got me to agree to go to the hospital. That is where i have been since Feb. 1st.

First was 2 weeks at the General. They ruled out stroke, MS, brain issues, and spinal inflammation. All good to know, because any of those would have meant not being able to get better. They determined it was something called "Conversion"

Conversion is when your body manifests emotional issues. Take for the example that i have been saying no to going into the hospital for my emotional issues for quite some time. my brain finally said "screw you, you have to go get help". So, off i go to St. Joe's for some intensive therapy.

i went in to St. Joe's without being able to walk, use my arm, feel anything on my left side, and not being able to see out of my left eye, or hear out of my left ear. Tomorrow i get discharged. i can now walk, hear, see, feel the keys beneath my fingers, feel pain, hot and cold, and act like a normal person. i also know i have certain things i need to work on.

i am taking something called DBT. Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. It is a new way of thinking about what to do during crisis, and then taking the time to feel the emotions later. They teach mindfulness, wise mind, and ways of handling situations without avoiding them. Of course this type of behaviour therapy counts a lot on lessening stresses. Things like getting more sleep is a big one. Taking the time to feel is also a big one for me.

So far so good though. Last weekend was full of panic. This weekend, i only got panicked going to get groceries. People asking me a lot of questions is also a stresses. So is to much noise. i have the techniques to deal with these as they happen. Playing my ipod while i shopped. Taking someone with me while i shopped. Deep breathing, counting to 10 while staring at cans of soup as if i was choosing one. All ways i was able to complete my shopping and not freak out totally.

While in hospital, i had a bonus reaction. my blood sugars are under control. i just have to not fall on old habits, like eating when i am stressed, and they will stay that way.

my biggest issue to deal with is something called Radical Acceptance. It is when you deal with the pain of the reality of a situation, so you don't "wallow" in it, and the suffering of it can go away. That brought up a lot of issues surrounding Mike, TJ, and the death of others i know and am close to.

i know i am not "fixed", but i have the tools to help.

Oh, and i met quite a few "interesting" people at St. Joe's. The staff were great. my favourite nurses were Barb, Pam, Danielle, George, Steve, and Alissandra, just to name a few. The food lady (some call the "Soup Nazi") Jane was wonderful. i actually made friends with one patient. Penny. She reminds me of E. She can listen, not pass judgement, and not try to fix me, just as i can listen to her in the same way. Paul was a blessing. Michael was interesting. Crystal who i hope gets better soon. Ester who needs to find her big voice. Catherine who went to a group home and i hope learns how to share the TV.

Then there are those i am glad to be away from. Cole (who can't learn how to shut up), Christy (who believes the cops are out to get her), Maurine (who makes up being sick at the drop of a hat...she even believed she had something called Tommy Hilfiger disease), and old lady Patricia (doesn't know how to shut up if her life depended on it).

Tomorrow i get discharged. i am scared. i am worried. i am excited. i am nervous. i am ready. i worry about taking back the burden of caring for my son, and experiencing feelings again.

Starting the year off

i am taking a page from L's book. i am starting to write in a Book of Shadows again. i am using the book the MIT gave Mike in 2003. Mike never used it. It is blank, except for the page that the MIT wrote on.

i have already written in the Wiccan Creed. Next i am writing in the Pagan Creed. i am going to write in this year's Samhain "rituals". i am going to make little notes and things as they happen.

i contacted H to see if He had made the BOS we had talked about back in April of last year. The one using the leather from M. He wasn't home, but i talked to J and found out a lot of interesting stuff.

This year's Samhain brought back memories i want to keep. It brought up thoughts of the future. i need to make a connection to both.

Thank You L for being an inspiration, and letting me see it isn't such a bad thing to get started again.

Lent

So the MIT and i have figured out what we are giving up for lent.

MIT - sushi
me - chocolate

Mixing faiths

On Saturday, i celebrated Imbolc. Also known as Candlemas. i really enjoyed it. i enjoyed setting out the candles to burn all night in my windows, leaving an offering to Bridget (sp), preparing my little altar on Imbolc eve. i really enjoyed taking down my yule wreaths and burning them, lighting the circle of candles on my altar, making goals for the coming year and empowering the candles with the goals and energy to reach them. The most fun i had was walking around in the snow without shoes on, and freezing my son's nurse with having all the doors and windows open for an hour.

Today is Pancake Tuesday. This is one of my Son's celebrations. i have decided this year to be more involved with His traditions, as well as mine. So in that spirit, we are going to pancake dinner at the church i grew up in, and He calls home. Wednesday is Ash Wednesday, and i may even join Him in that. i am actually going to give up some stuff for lent, just as He is. We are going to decide tonight what we are giving up / sacrificing for the next 40 days until Easter (Sundays don't count. Do the math)

You might be asking yourself, how can a woman, that is a solitary practioner, support her Son's need for Christianity. It is easy. It is all about faith. The fact that we both have faith is the main thing. The fact that we practice different "celebrations" and a few phylosophies is of no consiquence. He has always known that i support His, and He is starting to support mine, even if He doesn't quite understand them.

On top of all this, i have other things to "report". He is finally back at school. After 1 week of being off sick, then 2 weeks for exams, and 1 day for a snow day, He is finally back at school. i do have some work to do on the school front, as they have taken Him out of one class, and put Him into gym. Plus, gym is early in the day. This is a forcast for many days of loss of muscle tone for the rest of the school day, and little being accomplished. If gym was even moved to the end of school, the last period, i could handle that. At least then, he would be able to participate in His other classes.

One other good thing. i won a bet and got a one hour massaage. Damn it felt good. It felt nice having someone's hands on me again, even if it was because of a bet. The massage oil we used was a peppermint and eucoliptus blend. It sure drained out the sinuses. It was a nice way to spend an hour yesterday morning.