Migraines and feeling like crap

In the last 2 weeks, I have had a total of 5 days worth of migraines.  They drop me on my butt.  I can't do anything.  I have to fake being ok for TJ.  I have to fake being ok for Charlie.  Other than that, the vomiting and pain is just way to much. 

I finally called my doctor on Thursday.  She ordered me some Demerol.  It is the only thing that has worked in the past, and thank the Gods and Goddesses it worked this time. 

I am now back to normal..  I am now functioning as I did before the migraines took over.  Now I just have to fight the urge to take more just to feel stoned.

A month gone by....

Therapy is going well.  I am getting along with the group and learning more and more skills.  My individual therapy is also going well.  Karen and I are now moving to the point where I get to experience an emotion, for a controlled amount of time, and discuss how it felt.  It is hard getting used to opening myself up like that.  Unlike with Sandy, I trust Karen to not let me get away with going "intellectual" when I need to be emotional.

It seems I have mastered a number of the main skills.  My favourite is One Mindfully.  It is like meditating on what I am doing without any outward distractions.  Even putting laundry away is different with this skill.  Another is called Self Sooth.  Having a bath with oils or bubbles.  Doing my nails.  Having a cup of tea.  All these are self soothing things that can bring me back down to a peaceful space.  I like learning this stuff.  I didn't think I would, but I really am.

I am still seeing my puppy.  He is fun.  He is a distraction.  He is safe. 

The MIT is still, slowly, moving backwards.  He is getting more and more unstable.  Pictures are going to have to come down soon, so none get broken as He stumbles into the walls.  His health has also diminished.  He has been sick since the middles of September, and can't seem to shake what He has.  Since He has been so sick, so have I.

Right now, my health sucks.  I have a bad cough, and can't seem to shake it.  Tomorrow is the doctor's to see if my chest has cleared up, or gotten worse. 

Samhain was nice.  I hung bones in my tree.  I did what I wanted to do.  I served a good dinner.  I am sad I celebrated alone.  The MIT wasn't even here for it.  I did it for me.  I enjoyed it.  I enjoyed preparing for the night.  I enjoyed writing my regrets and burning them.  I enjoyed forgiving myself, and letting things go. 

Tonight I can say that things are good.  I am content.

ER visit, and tomorrow

Tonight, I had to go to the ER.  I spiked a fever today, and ended up ignoring TJ and slept most of the day.  When I was finally ok enough to get up and moving, I fed TJ and myself, called the doctor on call, and then headed to the hospital.

The cyst I had (my second in 2 weeks and third in 2 months) turned into an abses.  Yuck. Yuck and painful.  I wasn't at the hospital too long, and they took good care of me.  Considering how nervous I am about tomorrow, I think my body gave me something to worry about instead of the morning.

Tomorrow is my first group DBT session.  The fist one out of 52.  I am really really scared.  OK, scared is not the right answer.  Nervous.  Very nervous.  I have no idea what to expect.  I know there will be a mindfulness exercise first.  I know how to "act" with that.  It is the rest of the stuff I am nervous about.  The new people.  How many people. 

With the pain distracting me, I think I will have enough to keep my mind more calm tomorrow.

I have also started reading my Wicca books again.  I know parts of the therapy include beliefs in a "higher power" and it is time I get back in touch with mine.  So, reading, and walking barefoot in my backyard, at any time in the day, are my starter points. 

Time to go to bed so I am up to my best, as much of my best I can be,

Not feeling good at all

I went to bed early and sick.  I woke up late and sick.  Seems like I may have the flu.  "Runny poops", nausea, stiff muscles, head ache, sweats and chills with an over all feeling of sick.  My Sis is the one that said it sounds like the flu.  All I know is that I feel like crap and wish I could just stay in bed and sleep whatever this is off.  Then again, I am a Mom, so that is impossible. Sis helped by bringing TJ over breakfast.  Now I am up, and trying not to toss cookies.  I have a sink full of dishes and a few things to cook up today.  Other than that, I am going to take it easy as much as possible.  TJ is helping out with that as much as he can. 

The weekend went well.  Joseph and I went for drives.  He cooked for me.  He made sure I actually ate, and have food left over for the week.  I have BBQ'ed ribs, chicken and steak ready to be heated up and eaten.  I am well prepared for the week ahead, if only I actually didn't look at food and heave.  LOL.

He will be back this weekend.  Arriving on Friday and leaving early on Sunday.  Sunday we are celebrating Sis's birthday, and she doesn't want him there.  I understand.  Her birthday is about her and not my boyfriend meeting more family.

Wicca and therapy were brush away for the weekend.  Most of the time was spent enjoying each moment.  On walks I would find little things that I wanted to keep to remind me about the time outside.  I got a few rocks, and an interesting "flower".  They are now on my alter.  A symbol of the season and of what I am drawn too. 

Hopefully I will feel better soon.  I will do the dishes.  I will cook up the mushrooms and onions.  I will, no matter how I feel today, be the good Mom and do what needs to be done. 

What is going on

i know i haven't written here in a long time. i have been away from the computer. i have been ignoring it. i haven't had the energy or need to be here. i have had a lot of things going on.


The MIT is doing good, but not. His balance is way off. He had 6 days in a row of lost muscle tone and cluster seizures. He is better now. It all happened after Christmas, but before and during New Years. He is scheduled for a day video EEG on Thursday. Hopefully the EEG will show what kind of seizures He is having, if He is having any that day. At least the last 2 days He has walked off the bus. That is progress.

He is also maturing. He had an issue with a teacher on Monday, and He came home telling me to call His resource teacher. He knew something wasn't right about the situation, and He was correct. His resource teacher is wonderful and helped Him out the next day with active solutions to what He could do next time.

Monday is the anniversary of D's death. i don't know how i actually feel about that. i am going through the same sort of memories i hold about Mike's death. Remembering what happened this day last year. What i wish i could change about last year. The guilt of not going to see her on the 9th last year. i know for E it is more difficult. i know she is trying to not set herself up for feeling anything, and maybe ignoring the whole thing, but i also know how unrealistic that is. i will be there for her. If she needs me, she will call. i will call her this weekend and check in with her. Monday, i may be no use to her. i am going to be a little busy.

Now me. Around the 5th of Dec, part of my leg went numb. Shortly after that, part of my arm went numb. Later i stubbed my toe to the point of bleeding, and i didn't feel it. Now, most of my leg and vulva are numb. At Christmas i lost some hearing . Then i lost some sight. All on my left side. i have bouts of incontinence, and not just the liquid kind. All of this adds up to me getting to see a neurologist on Monday. i haven't looked up all this stuff on the internet. i have pushed it away during the "holidays". Now, it is full in my face. There are other things. Stuff i haven't told anyone until now.


Typing is hard. i can't feel the keys with all my fingers. Spelling is hard. Not just typos. Words i know how to spell, being spelled wrong, and nothing i can do about it, but go back and retype and spell it wrong again. It usually takes me 3-4 times to type the word write. Plus it happens when i am just plain writing on paper. It is hard for me to sometimes make the words look right.

Speaking is frustrating. i can hear myself pronounce words wrong, and using the wrong word. In my brain, it isn't wrong. i only really know it is wrong when i see the look on some one's face, or they ask me what i mean. Even the MIT is correcting me.

i can't drive. i have no peripheral vision on my right side. i am scared to drive. What if something else happens. (case in point, i cut my finger on my right hand and didn't feel it when it happened) i walk into walls when i turn a corner because i didn't see where i was in relationship to the wall.

i am scared. Very very scared. Monday i will have to explain everything that is going on with my body. Monday i will have to face a neurologist about me. Monday i am worried i will be told it is nothing. Monday i am worried i will be told it is something serious. Right now, there is no "in between" for me. i can only see the answers from the doctor being all or nothing.

i am just plain scared.

Blech

Today sucks.

The MIT is still home from school. He will be off until at least Monday. Gods i hope it is only until Monday. i am sick. Sneezes abound. i feel like crap.

i have been eating better. The only problem is after 9. After 9, i feel sooooo hungry. i crave everything. Meat, chocolate, cereal even. The nurse says it is because my body isn't used to normal blood sugars, and it is like my body is saying i have a low sugar, and needs the food. Problem with me, is i can't stop. Once i start eating, i just can't stop. i don't know how to fix this yet. i will figure something out. i just don't know what yet.

i have shown L a site i thought She would like. Well, She did. i definitely have to start learning how to do tatting. i have so many ideas for gifts for people. All just doing tatting. Then there is back to painting and etching glass. So many ideas. i should start a list. Not here. Don't want anyone i am making for seeing what i am making. Maybe that is something i can do when i get hungry. Plus there is also knitting again. The MIT really likes my knitted blanket. i want to make a bigger one.

Ok, time to go get dinner ready and take my meds.

Sick, and other stuff

The MIT has been sick since we returned from camping. i sent Him to school on the Monday and the Tuesday, but then He was getting worse, so i have kept Him home since. He was much better on Friday, before He went to Rygiel, but came home sicker (is that a real word?). Usually He arrives at Rygiel perfectly well and comes home sick. i thought maybe it would work the opposite way this time, but i was wrong. So here i sit. Home with the MIT. Sick, myself. At least we got the all clear from the doctor saying it is just a cold.

i have decided to be a role model for my Dad. i have got to get back on the horse in keeping my blood sugars normal. Got to. How can i tell my Dad what to do, when i am doing the complete opposite? Yesterday was grocery shopping, and i have so much healthy food in the house, it is ridiculous. Yes there are treats for the MIT, but i am going to make myself stay away from them. i even have yogurt for me for my night time snack. Raspberry and dragon fruit is yummy. Today i was good and actually had breakfast. Egg and toast. Maybe if i eat all day (portion sizes and stuff) i won't feel so famished at night. That is a huge goal for me. i am even putting up my little post-it notes in the kitchen and around the house. "Eat breakfast", " Lunch at 1:00", "No snacking after 9:00", and my favourite "Follow YOUR plan!!!". Adding to all this, the keeping up on taking my meds (when i have them) and making sure i always have them. Plus there is the checking of the blood sugars. Time to kick it up a notch. i may even join the Y and get some exercise in. That would be a big help. There are some programs i am interested in. i just need to try them, so i can actually see if i can do them. This is where my Sis's membership will come in handy. She can let me join a few classes for a free trial before i decide what it is i want to participate in.

i am missing Thistle. She was cute and calming to me. i could just sit and hold her for hours. i want a hedgehog so badly. i have made a deal with my Sis, that once i am approved for ODSP, i can get one. i am going to get a male and E and i are going to breed them. Mine will be registered, so that can add to the value of the babies. i just have to find a registered breeder, and get the supplies, and then off we can go. Some research is involved, but i am up for it. Who knows, i may just end up with a clan of them.

L and i have reconnected. i am not going to let that friendship go. i will be emailing her, or calling her once a week. Same as i do with P. They can be so controlling LOL. That is partly why i love them both. It is nice and comforting to have my family back together. Now to get us all back in the same room at the same time.

Today is forms and deadlines. i have my "income assessment" for my housing to hand in today. i have meds to pickup. i have my gas bill to hand into OW to increase my check (they took off $100 because of my van). The increase will only be about $20, but everything helps.

Wow, this bdsm journal sure has nothing to do with bdsm. It hasn't for a while. Then again, that is where my life is right now. BDMS, not a priority. Getting my life somewhat normal is. You can't give over control of something you don't already have control over. That is what i am working on. Getting control of my life (where i can) so that when i find One that can handle me (LOL), i have my life under enough control, that giving over some of it, is a true symbol of my submission.

Well, time to go to the drug store, and then home to take meds.

Numb

It has been a week since i posted. A week since the funeral. Two weeks since her death. i still think about her every day. my heart skips a beat when i drive past the hospice. i keep thinking i should be in there with her. We should be scooting outside for a smoke, watching TV or talking about the staff. i am a friend. E must have it worse.

On Thursday E's daughter took me to the movies for her birthday. We saw Twilight. It was ok. What was better was the fact that she asked me. E didn't want to see it before she read the book, and i have already read it, and she thought of me. She even invited me to her birthday dinner on the Friday night. i wasn't able to go to that. Between therapy and tooth pain, i just didn't have the stamina.

Therapy was me feeling numb and not wanting to feel anything but that. The session was all factually. No feelings were discussed. Sandy said i needed that to breath. A chance to breath from the pain and loss and feeling. i can't feel numb right now. Every time one of the flowers withers, i cry. i save it and i cry at its loss. i cry as it represents to me, another part of her going away. The MIT has been home all week. It is exam time and He is home. We have been watching Smallville most of the week. He doesn't like to see me cry, so i have been hiding those feelings from Him.

Now for the tooth. i have been having tooth pain for a few weeks. It went away when i was on the antibiotics for strep. It came back. It got so bad, i actually stood at the door of the dentist Monday morning before they opened. i ended up coming home after a root canal. Can you say ouch? The only pain killer i am on is ibuprofen. Like that is a big help. On top of that, i have strep again, so i am on antibiotics for both the tooth thing and the throat.

i am really starting to hate January. Almost as much as i hate May.

Day 6 of the sick that won't quit

The MIT has been off school after coming home from my parents, with a cold. Well, i would call it a cold, but it has included a fever, and has been ongoing since Sunday. He hasn't been eating. He hasn't been drinking. He hasn't been acting up to the point i am getting annoyed enough that i think he is well. He has been sitting in front of the TV, taking naps when told to, and taking meds without any argument. This is not the MIT who is well. This is the MIT that is sick.

For me, i haven't gotten it. i have been careful. i have been drinking my tea, and eating healthy foods. i have made stew, i have made chicken pot pie (yes from scratch sort of). i have only napped when He has. i have been keeping up on the housework. i have been the "super-mom" that i can be when things aren't going my way.

i gave E her reflexology session. i miss doing treatments. i miss having clients. i miss using my skills and helping people. i keep trying to advertise myself. i don't know how else to do it. i am listed on the OCR website. i have given a card to my doctor so she can refer people to me. i have an add on kajiji. i have it listed in my profile on facebook. i have a listing on Witchvox. Where else do i advertise it? Should i list as a vendor at one of the Fet Fairs? Should i list as a vendor at the one event i will be going to in Niagara? Should i list it on Fetlife? i just don't know how else or where else to advertise. i know i want to keep doing it. i know i want to get enough frequent clients that i can call myself a business one day. i just don't know how to get from here to there.

Today is groceries and shopping. Then off to therapy. Part of me wants to just stay home with the MIT and do nothing, but groceries are needed, as i am still in the mood to do actual cooking. Shopping is so i can connect more with M, and have reading material for camping. Therapy...well, i never want to go. i know i need to go. i know i should go. i just don't want to go.

Well, i guess that is all that is going on in my little world today. Tomorrow i get to see M again. We are going to a Magic tournament. Maybe he will be sleeping over. i hope so. Him sleeping over means someone to cuddle with, pain to be had, and just quiet grownup time. We will see how it goes. i hope he can sleep over. If not, i will survive, and maybe head back his way with him. i do like him. A lot. i do like spending time with him. A lot.

LIfe sometimes sucks

The MIT made it through 8 days of school, and is now sick. Yes He is home sick. Damnit. i am keeping Him home because i want Him healthy for His trip in 16 days. i am even keeping Him home from Rygiel House this weekend. No break for me. Just me and the MIT. i am not even sending Him to karate. He has been home with me, non-stop since Thursday morning. It will continue to at least Monday morning. i may get to send Him to school Monday. Maybe. It all depends on how healthy He is by then.

Other than that, life kind of sucks. Nothing exciting is going on. No plans made for my month off. Can't afford anything. i will probubly be stuck at home, by myself, alone. There isn't even anything really going on that month. Nothing i would like to go to. Sure there will be Octoberfest with my friends, but that is about it.

Anyways, that is enough of my venting, as much as it is.

Thinking about His collar

Welcome to week 5 of our summer vacation. Today is our dentist appointments. The MIT gets to have a checkup and cleaning. i get to have a root canal. Yeah me. At least the meds my doctor has prescribed are good ones. Who knew Demerol came in pill form.

i have been reading a few journals lately. The talk seems to be centered around collars. i used to have a collar. It was a charm Mike gave me at the club we were working on for the DSSG. It was a fake padlock charm. The chain it was on changed 2 times. It never left my neck. i have pictures of me and Mike together, with it on my neck. i have pictures of it on me with my son. i have pictures of it on me naked. It meant the world to me. i wore it almost continually for 6 1/2 years. It came off 2 times. Once in 2005 after Mike's surgery, and once more in February of 2006. i never wore it again. It is still gone to this day. After Mike died, i never got it back. Mike's wife couldn't find it in His apartment. It wasn't in His wallet where He had put it. i still wear the chain it was last on. i wear it on my ankle. i haven't taken it off since His death.

i miss the feel of it around my neck, even now. i find myself searching for the comfort of it. i run my hands around my neck looking for it, without even thinking. Who knew a piece of jewelry could mean so much.

i guess it is the same as someone who was married and their partner dies. They still have the wedding ring. They still play with it. They hold on to it. They twist it for comfort. It is a feeling of still being a part of something bigger than themselves. That is how i think of it anyway. That the bond between Mike and i is still there, and that silly piece of jewelry is a way of holding on to Him.

i still miss Him. It is getting easier. i don't think of Him as often. At the same time, He is always in my thoughts. i guess i am getting used to Him not being around. i hate that. i feel like i should still be dressed in black (not that i ever really was) and wailing about missing Him. i get so lonely without Him sometimes. i get so lonely without that silly piece of jewelry around my neck.

Pain returns

The pain has moved again. It is in my head and neck. It is so bad, i went to the hospital yesterday. The doctor there decided it was muscular. Great. i am now on pain killers and muscle relaxers. The doctor did set up a type of ultrasound for me to have today. It is to see if i have any clots in my legs and groin. i go back to my doctor tomorrow.

i am at the mercy of my Mom, Dad, and Sister, because i can't drive on all the meds, and because the pain is so bad. i definitely can't drive. i have a hard enough time just moving around the house. Then there is thinking. i can hardly think with all the pain in my head.

All i keep thinking about is how to get past the pain and actually get on with my life. i don't want to let this pain control me. i don't like sleeping most of the time, and not being able to move, and not being able to fee like i can do anything.

God i am complaining so much. Time to go and lie down until my Mom comes to get me for the ultra sound.

Purging....Physically vs Emotionally

The last post should have been titled "Pity Party". That was alot of what i was saying. At the time, it felt all justified. Looking back, a pity party was what it was all about.

i have been getting physically ill while i sleep for about a week. i had thought it was what ever bug has been going around. Upset stomach, vomiting, sleeping at the drop of a hat, not feeling up to par. i had to be sick. It had to be what ever everyone i know has been going through. That was all i was concentrating on. It still very well might be.

Then E mentioned something. She mentioned how sometimes, when she isn't feeling well on the inside, it can manifest itself on the outside. That the bundle of emotions build up and physically her body reacts.

A light bulb went off. Something i hadn't thought of. i have had that happen before. Actually, my body was really good at doing that. If i got over stressed about something, my body would purge itself both physically and mentally. (eg. the MIT having to be taken to hospital by ambulance and me later getting sick in the waiting room washrooms because of the stress of the situation) Plus, sometimes it is easier for me to concentrate on physically feeling off, while not having to concentrate on how yucky i feel inside my own head.

As i thought about what E had said, i realized i haven't been really feeling anything emotionally. Sure i have been thinking about the MIT and how He is doing and how stressful that is. Sure i have even written about it. But i haven't really been feeling it. i have been quite logical in my way of looking at things. Sure i have been thinking of Mike, and talking about missing Him. Then i realized how quickly when someone asks me if anything is new with me, i start off with saying "Well, Mike died", or in the middle of a conversation, i will bring up Mike . Heck, i did that alot at Steeletto. But i wasn't emotional about it. i was very cold almost. (that is how i feel looking back, maybe i didn't "present" that way, but that is how i am seeing it now)

So, how am i feeling? Or, even better, what am i feeling? i really don't know right now. i can't seem to find it. i can't seem to fight threw the physical feelings to the emotional ones. i know i have felt pangs of guilt because this physical stuff has been interrupting my commitments. i know i have been feeling out of control over certain issues, and that is emphasized by the physical stuff. i also know that feeling "ok" over Mike being dead is part of what is going on. How can i be so ok with it? How come it isn't affecting me? It isn't that i am glad He is dead, just that i am acting like it is ok that He is dead.

Seems i have a bunch of stuff to hit on in therapy tomorrow. i don't know if it will come up. Sandy might have other avenues to explore. i am so not "feeling" it, that i doubt i will bring it up. Because really, other than the physical manifestations, nothing really seems to be wrong.

Bugs and brains

So yesterday (3:00 am) i got hit by whatever bug it is that had E getting sick on Saturday. It hit hard. God my stomach was flopping and contracting and expelling anything that was in it. i have survived the worse. i am back to drinking liquids, but even that is difficult to keep down sometimes.

Add to that the MIT coming home from school with a migraine. Quickly into bed. Covers over head. No sound allowed without Him complaining. It hasn't broken yet. He is still hurting this morning. At least He hasn't been sick yet. i am keeping Him home from school just incase. Heck, He is still asleep. He has been asleep since about 4:00 last evening. This could change in 1/2 hour, or for 12 more hours. No one knows. i just get to sit in the dark, try to type quietly, and wait it out.

i am still feeling the effects from Saturday. It is nice to just have to move a little and be reminded of how nice the weekend was. i wonder how long it will last. Tomorrow i don't have therapy. Instead i am going to aquafit (i hope). i figure if i can hold down liquids, i will go tomorrow. Later i will do my goals for this coming week. i haven't been very good at them lately. i have been quite lax. i figure with a new season, comes new life. i am going to find that life inside me and get back on track.

Tired and not feeling good

i am so tired. i could head back to bed right now, and be able to pass out for the entire day, and then be able to sleep straight through the night. my throat hurts. i am all stuffed up. Most of all, my throat hurts.

It hurts to swallow any of my meds. It hurts to swallow what i want to drink. It just plain hurts. i would love to just crawl back into bed and sleep.

Instead, i have got to go and get my health card renewed. It is that time of year again. i also have to get the MIT's renewed. i also have to finish up some paperwork for the government today. So here is my plan

go hop in the shower and go get E so we can both get our health cards
depending on time, go and get D so the three of us can go to aquafit
drop everyone off at their homes
go to Staples and price a new printer
maybe buy a new printer
come home and work on government stuff
finish government stuff
go to post government stuff
pickup diet pepsi
come home again
MIT comes home
entertain MIT until nurse gets here
crawl into bed as soon as the nurse gets here

Ok, there is my plan. Guess we will see how it goes. i just so hate being sick