I am not so angry at TJ. He is him. Just all means I need to do a walk through before letting Charlie out of his crate. What I am feeling is relief. He is fine. Well, he has a big cut in and on him, but other than that, all is good.
Relief is an interesting feeling. I started crying after I talked to the vet this morning, and found out I get to go and feed Charlie around 2. I am watching the clock. I want 2 to get here now. It is like I understand that the vets say he is ok, but like with TJ, I need to see it for myself. I need to touch him. I need to see him. I need to let him see me. Then, and only then, will I know he is ok.
For now, it is time to take care of myself, have something to eat, and get ready to see him.
I will talk about my Mother later.
Showing posts with label Fears. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fears. Show all posts
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Control / Perfection issues
So I am still having problems walking Charlie. I am so frustrated, I have made calls to different trainers. They all cost hundreds of dollars. I can't afford that, so I keep trudging along hoping I am doing ok at this. In the house, he has calmed so much, and I have full control. Outside, in the front and beyond, not the same story.
I talked to my Mom about this. She reminded me of how I was obsessed with making sure I was a perfect Mom to TJ. That I didn't (and still don't) want to be what most people see as a single Mother. What most people see as a mother of a disabled child. That I have to appear perfect. That if he acted out in public, I was horrified. I felt like (and still do) a really bad mother, and what everyone thinks of, when they hear about a single mom.
She is right. I want to be perfect at this. I want his life (Charlie's) and TJ's life to be what they deserve. They deserve to be happy and to not show any form of contention. I don't like hearing from others how to raise either of them. I don't like hearing how I need to just be me and back off a little. I don't like hearing how they would do it, if it was them.
I don't like hearing it, because they have no idea what it is like to be in my shoes. They have no idea how hard it is to balance (with TJ) a sense of perfection, and a sense of self. They have no idea how hard it is to get a puggle to walk on a leash with a bad back from lifting and moving TJ around. They all just have no idea.
Add to that, my insane need to be perfect and in control. Yes Charlie has come a long way from where he was when he first got here, but I feel like he should be walking so much better on a leash. The fact that I saw a boy about 10 years old, walking a puppy without any problems, doesn't help.
I hate doubting myself, but that is where I am again tonight. Full of doubt, and looking for control and perfection.
I talked to my Mom about this. She reminded me of how I was obsessed with making sure I was a perfect Mom to TJ. That I didn't (and still don't) want to be what most people see as a single Mother. What most people see as a mother of a disabled child. That I have to appear perfect. That if he acted out in public, I was horrified. I felt like (and still do) a really bad mother, and what everyone thinks of, when they hear about a single mom.
She is right. I want to be perfect at this. I want his life (Charlie's) and TJ's life to be what they deserve. They deserve to be happy and to not show any form of contention. I don't like hearing from others how to raise either of them. I don't like hearing how I need to just be me and back off a little. I don't like hearing how they would do it, if it was them.
I don't like hearing it, because they have no idea what it is like to be in my shoes. They have no idea how hard it is to balance (with TJ) a sense of perfection, and a sense of self. They have no idea how hard it is to get a puggle to walk on a leash with a bad back from lifting and moving TJ around. They all just have no idea.
Add to that, my insane need to be perfect and in control. Yes Charlie has come a long way from where he was when he first got here, but I feel like he should be walking so much better on a leash. The fact that I saw a boy about 10 years old, walking a puppy without any problems, doesn't help.
I hate doubting myself, but that is where I am again tonight. Full of doubt, and looking for control and perfection.
Wednesday, September 01, 2010
Panic and therapy
Today was therapy day. Therapy with Karen, and not Sandy. Friday I say goodbye to Sandy. Today was a day to go over what behaviour is life threatening, and that I really need to stop. We talked. I cried. I figured out how to fill out the daily diary cards. I found out the rules of the group. I left.
As I was leaving, I started to hyperventilate. I walked back to Karen's office. I cried, and hid in the corner. She ran and got me an ice pack. I couldn't breath. I couldn't pull it together. I couldn't even talk. I remember Karen asking me if I was having a flash back and me shaking my head. I remember her asking me if I was having a panic attack, and croaking out a "don't know". By the time she got back, I had gotten myself together enough to be able to talk. She told me to put the ice pack on my nose and mouth (a sensation change), and asked what I could see in the room, then what I could hear. I know the technique she was using. I know how to use it. For me, it is an avoidance. She said to use the word divergence.
So I made it home ok. Have been ok since. I didn't eat dinner. I just couldn't. I wasn't hungry. I did snack on TJ's dinner.
Tomorrow, my nurse comes to change my dressing. It is also the first day this week, without something to do all day. That will be fun. I already have a bunch of stuff listed that I want/need to get done.
OK, as you can see, I am still really shaken up. I can't seem to concentrate on anything. TV is oblivious. Sitting and just smoking seems to be all I can do. Thinking is out of the question. Hence why this post is so all over the place. Sorry about that. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
As I was leaving, I started to hyperventilate. I walked back to Karen's office. I cried, and hid in the corner. She ran and got me an ice pack. I couldn't breath. I couldn't pull it together. I couldn't even talk. I remember Karen asking me if I was having a flash back and me shaking my head. I remember her asking me if I was having a panic attack, and croaking out a "don't know". By the time she got back, I had gotten myself together enough to be able to talk. She told me to put the ice pack on my nose and mouth (a sensation change), and asked what I could see in the room, then what I could hear. I know the technique she was using. I know how to use it. For me, it is an avoidance. She said to use the word divergence.
So I made it home ok. Have been ok since. I didn't eat dinner. I just couldn't. I wasn't hungry. I did snack on TJ's dinner.
Tomorrow, my nurse comes to change my dressing. It is also the first day this week, without something to do all day. That will be fun. I already have a bunch of stuff listed that I want/need to get done.
OK, as you can see, I am still really shaken up. I can't seem to concentrate on anything. TV is oblivious. Sitting and just smoking seems to be all I can do. Thinking is out of the question. Hence why this post is so all over the place. Sorry about that. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
On the day and on time
Today was not such a good day. So many things were happening. Most were just in my head. Doesn't matter, it was still too much.
TJ was full blown most of today. That is stressful enough. Add in his shallow breathing, and his not having any "grownup" doctors and not knowing what hospital they would take him to, if I had to call 911. Add not having guardianship. Add dishes filling my sink. Add financial stuff. All equals an overwhelmed me.
I called my Mom for help, when I was at my worst. Problem is, I haven't gotten much better. I didn't do any of the yucky behaviour. I even turned away food (food I shouldn't have). Even now, I am feeling like nothing is going right. Just feel like everything, and I mean everything, is on my shoulders.
Right now I am sitting here, crying for no reason. Crying because...hell, I don't even know why. Just plain crying. I guess it is a buildup of emotions that I have no control over. Maybe I shouldn't have any control over them. Maybe I should just let them out. Maybe that will help.
Doesn't matter now. Time to go to bed.
TJ was full blown most of today. That is stressful enough. Add in his shallow breathing, and his not having any "grownup" doctors and not knowing what hospital they would take him to, if I had to call 911. Add not having guardianship. Add dishes filling my sink. Add financial stuff. All equals an overwhelmed me.
I called my Mom for help, when I was at my worst. Problem is, I haven't gotten much better. I didn't do any of the yucky behaviour. I even turned away food (food I shouldn't have). Even now, I am feeling like nothing is going right. Just feel like everything, and I mean everything, is on my shoulders.
Right now I am sitting here, crying for no reason. Crying because...hell, I don't even know why. Just plain crying. I guess it is a buildup of emotions that I have no control over. Maybe I shouldn't have any control over them. Maybe I should just let them out. Maybe that will help.
Doesn't matter now. Time to go to bed.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Skipped a day and the rest of the weekend
Friday was good, and not so good. Good was the way TJ and I interacted and played and joked and just enjoyed each other. Good was Joseph coming for the weekend, eating home BBQed ribs and going for a drive.
Not so good was telling Sandy what happened to me when I was around 17 years old. It had been my homework from Karen. I did as I was asked. I got lost in time as I was talking to Sandy. I did a lot of talking and crying. Sandy got into the "why" I would have felt like I did. How could I answer that? I still don't know why I thought I deserved to be treated so badly or why I still question if I deserve to be treated nicely. I couldn't answer all that. I wanted to just run away after telling her all about it. I felt shame and yucky.
What I am proud of is I didn't do any of the maladaptive behaviour. I did not yell at TJ at all. I did not take any extra meds. I did not stuff my face with chocolate. I did not do anything that would hurt me in any way. I am very proud of myself that I found other ways to deal with the panic and stress I was feeling. Heck, I even watched Dr. Oz. I never watch that show. Guess what they were talking about. Stress.
Over all, Friday was good. One little blip, but that will turn out good soon too. For the rest of the weekend, I am going to be spending time with Joseph and relaxing and enjoying being cooked for, and having the dishes done.
We are off for a drive. Bye until Sunday night.
Not so good was telling Sandy what happened to me when I was around 17 years old. It had been my homework from Karen. I did as I was asked. I got lost in time as I was talking to Sandy. I did a lot of talking and crying. Sandy got into the "why" I would have felt like I did. How could I answer that? I still don't know why I thought I deserved to be treated so badly or why I still question if I deserve to be treated nicely. I couldn't answer all that. I wanted to just run away after telling her all about it. I felt shame and yucky.
What I am proud of is I didn't do any of the maladaptive behaviour. I did not yell at TJ at all. I did not take any extra meds. I did not stuff my face with chocolate. I did not do anything that would hurt me in any way. I am very proud of myself that I found other ways to deal with the panic and stress I was feeling. Heck, I even watched Dr. Oz. I never watch that show. Guess what they were talking about. Stress.
Over all, Friday was good. One little blip, but that will turn out good soon too. For the rest of the weekend, I am going to be spending time with Joseph and relaxing and enjoying being cooked for, and having the dishes done.
We are off for a drive. Bye until Sunday night.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
After the Neurologist
i have had the week to sort of soak in what happened at the neurologist's on Monday. Sure the MIT's thing on Thursday messed up part of it, but i have absorbed enough to feel......on hold.
i didn't walk in to the appointment with any expectations but to have an assessment, and a game plan. i walked out with exactly that. i am to have a brain MRI and a spinal MRI, blood work (already done) and an EVP test followed by another appointment with him. i don't know when the MRI's are yet, but am going to be calling them to be put on the cancellation list. The sooner the better. The EVP test is on the 23rd of March (yes i said March), followed by seeing Dr. M again. So, i feel like i am on hold. Dr. M did say it could be an inflammation of the spinal column, but no for sure.
So, i am stuck. i can't drive, i can't feel my left side. my thinking is slow. my fingers don't work right. i have so many cant's, and don'ts i can't see the cans and dos. my Independence is gone. i have to count on others to drive me around for simple things like getting pop or any type of groceries. Appointments have to work around other people's schedules. i just can't get in my van and go for a drive to escape the city. i can't even go camping in my back yard, because i am unable to chop wood.
The worst part of it all, is how tired i get. i get the MIT ready for school, and do some dishes, and i need a sleep. Not a nap. A 4-5 hour sleep. i think the max i have been awake at a time has been Thursday, and that took sleeping for 16 hours of sleep as a recovery time. i don't know if it is the emotional tole to not being able to do what i need or the physical tole of doing what i need that is knocking me for a loop. i just know i am tired. Physically tired all the time.
i want an answer. i want a course of action. i want to know what to expect (oh yeah, and the doctor saying he doesn't think there will be much permanent damage didn't help). i want my damn life back.
i didn't walk in to the appointment with any expectations but to have an assessment, and a game plan. i walked out with exactly that. i am to have a brain MRI and a spinal MRI, blood work (already done) and an EVP test followed by another appointment with him. i don't know when the MRI's are yet, but am going to be calling them to be put on the cancellation list. The sooner the better. The EVP test is on the 23rd of March (yes i said March), followed by seeing Dr. M again. So, i feel like i am on hold. Dr. M did say it could be an inflammation of the spinal column, but no for sure.
So, i am stuck. i can't drive, i can't feel my left side. my thinking is slow. my fingers don't work right. i have so many cant's, and don'ts i can't see the cans and dos. my Independence is gone. i have to count on others to drive me around for simple things like getting pop or any type of groceries. Appointments have to work around other people's schedules. i just can't get in my van and go for a drive to escape the city. i can't even go camping in my back yard, because i am unable to chop wood.
The worst part of it all, is how tired i get. i get the MIT ready for school, and do some dishes, and i need a sleep. Not a nap. A 4-5 hour sleep. i think the max i have been awake at a time has been Thursday, and that took sleeping for 16 hours of sleep as a recovery time. i don't know if it is the emotional tole to not being able to do what i need or the physical tole of doing what i need that is knocking me for a loop. i just know i am tired. Physically tired all the time.
i want an answer. i want a course of action. i want to know what to expect (oh yeah, and the doctor saying he doesn't think there will be much permanent damage didn't help). i want my damn life back.
Sunday, November 01, 2009
November 1st
Samhain has come and gone. i actually had a really good time this year. Like last year, i was surrounded by friends and family. Unlike last year, D wasn't there. i know how much i miss her. i can't imagine how much E is missing her. Samhain is a time when you invite your ancestors to your table, and say goodbye to those who have gone before you. It is both a happy time, and a sad time.
The MIT has been getting more fragile. He is waisting away. He is giving up. All i could think about (other than missing D and finally being reunited with L and her girls) was that soon, sooner rather than later, the MIT's picture will be on the altar. We will be wishing Him a happy journey, and supposed to be comforted that He will be waiting for me. i got myself into so much of a funk last night, that i had to leave early.
i want to fix Him. i want to be able to put that will to be involved and happy into Him. i want to make life OK for Him. i know i can't, and that is killing me inside.
Time to go back to my room and hide again.
The MIT has been getting more fragile. He is waisting away. He is giving up. All i could think about (other than missing D and finally being reunited with L and her girls) was that soon, sooner rather than later, the MIT's picture will be on the altar. We will be wishing Him a happy journey, and supposed to be comforted that He will be waiting for me. i got myself into so much of a funk last night, that i had to leave early.
i want to fix Him. i want to be able to put that will to be involved and happy into Him. i want to make life OK for Him. i know i can't, and that is killing me inside.
Time to go back to my room and hide again.
Sunday, October 04, 2009
Another One
First my Dad, and now P. Both cardiac issues. Both had/getting angiograms. Both getting wake-up calls. i am doing what i can, but, as per who i am, i am letting them guide me. They get to call, or ask, and i am right there. If they are overwhelmed, i stay back.
Last night i stayed at E's. Well, really, i spent the day and night and part of today there. Who ever thought cookies needed to be baked after mid-night didn't realize the ramifications. LOL. Then staying up talking to 5, while interesting and entertaining, was not the brightest of ideas. LOL.
i want to fix it. i want to be at the hospital with E, and with L, and with K when the surgery is going on. No, i am not all healthy, but still. The MIT will be back at school tomorrow. He is healthy now. That means i have the time. That means i am free to be with them all.
i just called. i told E i want to be there tomorrow. She said yes. i am going to go and hang out at her place with K and L. Baby Bear will be coming, and E is telling Lucy. i even get to give E a wake-up call at 6am. i have also arranged for Sis to get the MIT off His bus after school because P's procedure isn't booked until 2, and i want to be there to hear He is ok.
So, now that all has been arranged, i am off to bed so i can be up and ready for the day with bright eyes.
Last night i stayed at E's. Well, really, i spent the day and night and part of today there. Who ever thought cookies needed to be baked after mid-night didn't realize the ramifications. LOL. Then staying up talking to 5, while interesting and entertaining, was not the brightest of ideas. LOL.
i want to fix it. i want to be at the hospital with E, and with L, and with K when the surgery is going on. No, i am not all healthy, but still. The MIT will be back at school tomorrow. He is healthy now. That means i have the time. That means i am free to be with them all.
i just called. i told E i want to be there tomorrow. She said yes. i am going to go and hang out at her place with K and L. Baby Bear will be coming, and E is telling Lucy. i even get to give E a wake-up call at 6am. i have also arranged for Sis to get the MIT off His bus after school because P's procedure isn't booked until 2, and i want to be there to hear He is ok.
So, now that all has been arranged, i am off to bed so i can be up and ready for the day with bright eyes.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Dad update
Well, Dad is stable. Sort of. His blood pressure is still fluctuating. His legs are still swollen. He still gets winded easily. At least he is out of emerg. and in a room in the day surgery ward. No TV or phone for him, but access to the smoking area.
The MIT has gone with Mom. She will be keeping Him tonight. Now i get to fall to pieces.
i am so scared. i don't want to loose my Daddy. i don't like him being old. i don't like him being sick. i don't like worrying about him. i don't know what will happen with the MIT if Dad dies. They are so close. i don't think He can handle that amount of loss. Then again, i don't know if I can handle that amount of loss.
i haven't been vomiting. i think my brain told my body it had to get better so i can go and see him. i am scared to go and see him. i don't want to see him in a hospital bed. i don't want to see him hooked up to monitors.
He will be in for a while. They will be starting testing on Monday. Checking his heart, veins flow, arterial flow. Those sort of things. i may have to cancel the camping trip we have scheduled for this coming weekend. He told me on the phone not to cancel it. Mom says he is to stay there and take all the tests no matter how long it takes, or until the staff kick him out for being a pain in the ass.
i just need to go and cry for a while. Just let out this fear and then go and visit him. It has to be before 8. That is when hours are over. i may even find a way to stay the night with him. Go out for smokes with him.
So off i go. To hide and cry and panic for a little while. Then put on my Advocate face and go see him.
The MIT has gone with Mom. She will be keeping Him tonight. Now i get to fall to pieces.
i am so scared. i don't want to loose my Daddy. i don't like him being old. i don't like him being sick. i don't like worrying about him. i don't know what will happen with the MIT if Dad dies. They are so close. i don't think He can handle that amount of loss. Then again, i don't know if I can handle that amount of loss.
i haven't been vomiting. i think my brain told my body it had to get better so i can go and see him. i am scared to go and see him. i don't want to see him in a hospital bed. i don't want to see him hooked up to monitors.
He will be in for a while. They will be starting testing on Monday. Checking his heart, veins flow, arterial flow. Those sort of things. i may have to cancel the camping trip we have scheduled for this coming weekend. He told me on the phone not to cancel it. Mom says he is to stay there and take all the tests no matter how long it takes, or until the staff kick him out for being a pain in the ass.
i just need to go and cry for a while. Just let out this fear and then go and visit him. It has to be before 8. That is when hours are over. i may even find a way to stay the night with him. Go out for smokes with him.
So off i go. To hide and cry and panic for a little while. Then put on my Advocate face and go see him.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
So much to say?
There is so much to say right now. i am going to try to keep on topic in each paragraph, but i can't promise that is going to happen.
The MIT is deteriorating still. He is loosing milestones still. His balance is way off. He falls more. He gets hurt more often. He hardly has good days. Most days He only has one side that works. At least 2 days a week are full blown and hard. He knows His body is against Him. It is hard watching Him be so aware that He is doing worse physically. He gets so frustrated. i can totally understand why. Going outside or even going to get groceries is taxing on His body. He would much rather sit on the couch, loose sides and be comfortable. At least that way He knows He is safe from getting hurt. It is sad watching my active and karate kid not want to do anything. At least we still do cuddles and have started paper ball fights. That brings smiles to His face.
People i called friends, have been having a difficult time of things lately. i feel sorry for them. i feel their grief. i feel their torment. i had wished they would be a couple that would make it. It doesn't look like that would happen. Yes i have been keeping tabs on them. They were such a big part of my life for a long time. i no longer hold hard feelings for them. i actually miss Her. i wish she would let me back in Her life. i will not push it. It is up to Her. i always loved to serve Her. To be in Her presence. She brought out a side of me that i have lost. Maybe out paths will cross again. Maybe they won't. Whatever happens in the future, i hope She knows that i am here for Her. When She is ready.
Now on to me. i am a still a screwed-up, depressed version of me, but that side has always been there. i go to therapy every 1-2 weeks. i am on plenty of medications to treat the depression and anxiety. i talk of my feelings openly to my therapist. i don't hide how i feel with her anymore. i don't deflect as much. i know she can't fix that part of me. Heck, i can't fix that part of me. All i or she can do is help me manage it. She can help me express my feelings over the MIT and the changes He is going through. She lets me bounce ideas off her. She lets me come to decisions on my own.
i have found myself much calmer since making a major decision.
i am no longer looking for the elusive Dom/Domme/Master/Mistress that likes someone that is experienced, knows her limits and is happy to explore them with someone she knows. i am no longer on any of the "searching" sites. No profile on Collarme, Bondage, or Alt. There isn't any point. All the Tops that are searching seem to be looking for someone that is new and young and skinny. It isn't me. i am experienced. i am confident in my abilities. i am not into plain kinky sex. i need more than that. i need someone that would be comfortable in the "dating before playing" to get to know someone. i need someone that is confident in their selves enough to know that an older woman is still a precious commodity. i need someone that understands i may be a little broken, but am putting the pieces together myself. So i came to the decision that i don't need it. i don't need the constant looking. i don't need the "kneel now" emails. i don't need the people looking for kinky sex. i don't need to look. i am comfortable in just being. i have gone so far as to put all the toys away. They are in Mike's old suitcase. They are available, but not in use. They are away, along with that side of me that craves the pain and submission. It wasn't an easy decision, but one that has brought me peace.
With this transformation, i have acquired 2 things on my body. A cutting of Mike's initials, and a tattoo. The cutting is a reminder that His influence on me will never leave. It is a sign of how much of who i am now, is because of Him. It is also a symbol of that piece of me that is still missing. The tattoo is another reminder. It is of a locket, like the one Mike gave me as my daily collar, with His leather collar around the bottom, and our favourite whip (Raven's Kiss) trailing behind. It is beautiful. It is a symbol of who i was, who i am, and who i can be again.
In a way, i feel like i have awaken. i have found a comfortable spot in the universe for me. Sure it isn't where i pictured i would be in 2009, but it is where i am. i am Mom. i am not slave, submissive, or someone's. i am me.
The MIT is deteriorating still. He is loosing milestones still. His balance is way off. He falls more. He gets hurt more often. He hardly has good days. Most days He only has one side that works. At least 2 days a week are full blown and hard. He knows His body is against Him. It is hard watching Him be so aware that He is doing worse physically. He gets so frustrated. i can totally understand why. Going outside or even going to get groceries is taxing on His body. He would much rather sit on the couch, loose sides and be comfortable. At least that way He knows He is safe from getting hurt. It is sad watching my active and karate kid not want to do anything. At least we still do cuddles and have started paper ball fights. That brings smiles to His face.
People i called friends, have been having a difficult time of things lately. i feel sorry for them. i feel their grief. i feel their torment. i had wished they would be a couple that would make it. It doesn't look like that would happen. Yes i have been keeping tabs on them. They were such a big part of my life for a long time. i no longer hold hard feelings for them. i actually miss Her. i wish she would let me back in Her life. i will not push it. It is up to Her. i always loved to serve Her. To be in Her presence. She brought out a side of me that i have lost. Maybe out paths will cross again. Maybe they won't. Whatever happens in the future, i hope She knows that i am here for Her. When She is ready.
Now on to me. i am a still a screwed-up, depressed version of me, but that side has always been there. i go to therapy every 1-2 weeks. i am on plenty of medications to treat the depression and anxiety. i talk of my feelings openly to my therapist. i don't hide how i feel with her anymore. i don't deflect as much. i know she can't fix that part of me. Heck, i can't fix that part of me. All i or she can do is help me manage it. She can help me express my feelings over the MIT and the changes He is going through. She lets me bounce ideas off her. She lets me come to decisions on my own.
i have found myself much calmer since making a major decision.
i am no longer looking for the elusive Dom/Domme/Master/Mistress that likes someone that is experienced, knows her limits and is happy to explore them with someone she knows. i am no longer on any of the "searching" sites. No profile on Collarme, Bondage, or Alt. There isn't any point. All the Tops that are searching seem to be looking for someone that is new and young and skinny. It isn't me. i am experienced. i am confident in my abilities. i am not into plain kinky sex. i need more than that. i need someone that would be comfortable in the "dating before playing" to get to know someone. i need someone that is confident in their selves enough to know that an older woman is still a precious commodity. i need someone that understands i may be a little broken, but am putting the pieces together myself. So i came to the decision that i don't need it. i don't need the constant looking. i don't need the "kneel now" emails. i don't need the people looking for kinky sex. i don't need to look. i am comfortable in just being. i have gone so far as to put all the toys away. They are in Mike's old suitcase. They are available, but not in use. They are away, along with that side of me that craves the pain and submission. It wasn't an easy decision, but one that has brought me peace.
With this transformation, i have acquired 2 things on my body. A cutting of Mike's initials, and a tattoo. The cutting is a reminder that His influence on me will never leave. It is a sign of how much of who i am now, is because of Him. It is also a symbol of that piece of me that is still missing. The tattoo is another reminder. It is of a locket, like the one Mike gave me as my daily collar, with His leather collar around the bottom, and our favourite whip (Raven's Kiss) trailing behind. It is beautiful. It is a symbol of who i was, who i am, and who i can be again.
In a way, i feel like i have awaken. i have found a comfortable spot in the universe for me. Sure it isn't where i pictured i would be in 2009, but it is where i am. i am Mom. i am not slave, submissive, or someone's. i am me.
Oh, here is a pic of my tattoo the day it was done.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Back for a bit
i know i have been away for a while. i am still here. i am just lost right now. Lost in thought. Lost in responsibility. Lost in my own head. i have no map to help me find my way out. i am doing it the hard way. A therapy session at a time. Talking about how i feel. Contemplating my future. Watching my son. If there is a way out of this maze, i will find it. i just don't know when, or how.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Taking steps
i have started taking the steps to quitting smoking. i have removed the ashtray from near the computer. i have removed the ashtray from my room. i have 2 ashtrays out, and the rest put away. i am changing where i smoke, and when i smoke. All steps to making my quit day easier.
Other stuff. Hmmm. On the 4th i had the diabetic clinic, then doctors, then dentist. At the clinic, i told them about my quit date. i also told them about me cooking more and ordering in less. i was honest about not checking my blood sugars, about not taking my meds all the time, and about the amount of stress i was under. i told them about the antibiotics, and the strep. They were really happy. i mean really happy. They were proud of my choices. They were proud of my attempts. They understood about the stress. i walked out feeling pretty good about myself.
Off to the doctor's i went. We also talked about my stress level, how i was feeling, and what was going on in my life. We talked about the upcoming surgery, and what would happen if the gyno couldn't do the tubal. Another good appointment.
Off to the dentist. An emergency situation. Real pain i couldn't handle anymore. It was decided i would have a tooth removed. So, in goes the freezing and out comes the tooth. Ouch, Ouch, Ouch. The gauze kept catching on something. i found a "sliver" i could wiggle around. i went back to the dentist the next day. He couldn't see anything. That night, i did it myself. i found the sliver, took a pair of jewelry pliers and pulled out the sliver. Yes it was bloody, and yes it hurt, but i did it. Since then, the healing has been happening nicely.
Today i am home with a sick kid. Yes the MIT is sick again. Cough, sneezes of projectile mucus, and a fever. He was home also yesterday. These past two days have been filled with Smallville. i think my brain has turned to mush.
Today i also went out shopping with my Mom for my birthday presents. i had given her a detailed list, and she got what she could off it, but i wanted to pick out 2 things myself. my family doesn't care if i know what i am getting, they are just happy i am wanting to celebrate this year, and actually want stuff, and not just money.
Here is my list:
i don't know if i am avoiding anything, or if i am just feeling hyper. Heck i am not really feeling anything. i am worried about the surgery. i am worried about the MIT. i am worried about finances. i am worried about getting wool and patterns for after the 18th. i am worried about my teeth. i guess i am avoiding a few feelings right now. my big question is, how do i face them?
OK, time to go and spend more time with the MIT until the nurse gets here, and then off to read for a while.
Other stuff. Hmmm. On the 4th i had the diabetic clinic, then doctors, then dentist. At the clinic, i told them about my quit date. i also told them about me cooking more and ordering in less. i was honest about not checking my blood sugars, about not taking my meds all the time, and about the amount of stress i was under. i told them about the antibiotics, and the strep. They were really happy. i mean really happy. They were proud of my choices. They were proud of my attempts. They understood about the stress. i walked out feeling pretty good about myself.
Off to the doctor's i went. We also talked about my stress level, how i was feeling, and what was going on in my life. We talked about the upcoming surgery, and what would happen if the gyno couldn't do the tubal. Another good appointment.
Off to the dentist. An emergency situation. Real pain i couldn't handle anymore. It was decided i would have a tooth removed. So, in goes the freezing and out comes the tooth. Ouch, Ouch, Ouch. The gauze kept catching on something. i found a "sliver" i could wiggle around. i went back to the dentist the next day. He couldn't see anything. That night, i did it myself. i found the sliver, took a pair of jewelry pliers and pulled out the sliver. Yes it was bloody, and yes it hurt, but i did it. Since then, the healing has been happening nicely.
Today i am home with a sick kid. Yes the MIT is sick again. Cough, sneezes of projectile mucus, and a fever. He was home also yesterday. These past two days have been filled with Smallville. i think my brain has turned to mush.
Today i also went out shopping with my Mom for my birthday presents. i had given her a detailed list, and she got what she could off it, but i wanted to pick out 2 things myself. my family doesn't care if i know what i am getting, they are just happy i am wanting to celebrate this year, and actually want stuff, and not just money.
Here is my list:
- enamel coated cast iron dutch oven - gotten
- cutting board - gotten
- wire shelves (for the bathroom) - gotten
- cutlery tray
- 2 mortar and pestles - gotten (1)
i don't know if i am avoiding anything, or if i am just feeling hyper. Heck i am not really feeling anything. i am worried about the surgery. i am worried about the MIT. i am worried about finances. i am worried about getting wool and patterns for after the 18th. i am worried about my teeth. i guess i am avoiding a few feelings right now. my big question is, how do i face them?
OK, time to go and spend more time with the MIT until the nurse gets here, and then off to read for a while.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Finally over
i am happy to report that yesterday is over. i survived. i am still in the same mood as i was before it all started. Depressed. Wanting to hide. Tired. The doctor had increased one of my drugs, and it seems to be helping. Well, helping the panic attacks. It makes me more tired, and just more of the not caring. At least i was calm.
Eve - The MIT went to church with my Mom and Dad. He chose to dress up. He wore the red dress shirt that L&D had given Him last year. He chose to wear black pants (not green) and he chose to wear a Christmas tie. Once He left, i had to force myself into wrapping gifts. i just couldn't find it in me to actually want to do it. i had to do it. i needed to get it done. So i did. grudgingly. i put on a happy face, setting up the cookies, eggnog, and carrots for Santa's visit. (yes my 16 year old still believes. i am a lucky Mom). After the MIT went to bed, i actually wrapped and set-up under the tree, and hung the stockings with care. i finally made it to bed about 2am
Day - i do didn't want to do this. i put off the MIT about opening gifts. He had woken at 4, and i kept Him from hitting the living room until 6:00. We opened gifts together. i took pictures. He took pictures. He totally enjoyed the fact that Santa stole a hedgehog from me. He loved the fact that we found a carrot outside partially eaten. It was a good time. Santa out shone me on one gift. It was fun playing that up. The MIT left for church, dressed in His regular red and green. i was supposed to wrap 2 family gifts. i was supposed to start on the turkey. i had no aluminum wrap. No starting the turkey for me. i went back to sleep. i got a call from my Mom telling me to get up, and get moving on preparing the turkey and having a shower. Eventually i did just that. They all showed up at noon. Food, aluminum wrap, and presents all in toe. i wrapped up the turkey and put it in the oven, hoping 4 hours was good enough.
It was present time. i had Sis wrap Mom's gift, and also her own, since i just couldn't bring myself to do it. i got stuff. Sis got stuff. Dad got stuff. Mom got stuff. Nana and Auntie showed up, and more gifts were exchanged. Mom eventually sent me to bed once Nana, Auntie and Sis had to leave. i got to sleep for an hour. When i got up, the turkey was done. It literally fell apart when i moved it from the roasting pan to the plate. Wings, legs, and 1/2 the carcass fell off. i guess i did really good. From that point, Mom and Dad took over the dinner, and i got to just lie in front of the TV and relax. Overall, it was a good day. i survived. i made it. i lived through it. All good, i guess.
Boxing day - Today the MIT is already watching 2 new DVD's. i am sitting here typing on the computer with the NCIS marathon is on in the background. i get to go out with my Mom shopping, while the MIT and Dad get to spend quiet time together. i have adivan packed to deal with humans and Mom's driving. This is not going to be fun.
E just called. P is in the hospital. They don't know what is wrong with Him. He is out of emergency, and now in a room. K&B are here to help, and also because K is P's next of kin. An ultra sound is scheduled. That is a wait and see issue. E is going to call me later, to either talk, or as me to help out. i am on standby, and am happy with it. i help where i can, and do what i can, when she and He need me. i may be taking care of the kids. i may be driving E to the hospital to visit P. i may even be driving B back to TO. i am prepared to do whatever is needed.
i will also be spending as much time with D as i can. Without P, E can't get there. i will be taking that responsibility over. Not a problem for me. i can handle it. i will just be leaving the MIT home when i go over. i can't have Him going full blown at the hospice again.
So that is my recap. That is my plan, of sorts. That is how my life, which is intertwined with my friends' lives, will be going for the next little while. At least i have a purpose for now. Purpose keeps me here. Purpose and responsibility are the only things keeping me here.
Eve - The MIT went to church with my Mom and Dad. He chose to dress up. He wore the red dress shirt that L&D had given Him last year. He chose to wear black pants (not green) and he chose to wear a Christmas tie. Once He left, i had to force myself into wrapping gifts. i just couldn't find it in me to actually want to do it. i had to do it. i needed to get it done. So i did. grudgingly. i put on a happy face, setting up the cookies, eggnog, and carrots for Santa's visit. (yes my 16 year old still believes. i am a lucky Mom). After the MIT went to bed, i actually wrapped and set-up under the tree, and hung the stockings with care. i finally made it to bed about 2am
Day - i do didn't want to do this. i put off the MIT about opening gifts. He had woken at 4, and i kept Him from hitting the living room until 6:00. We opened gifts together. i took pictures. He took pictures. He totally enjoyed the fact that Santa stole a hedgehog from me. He loved the fact that we found a carrot outside partially eaten. It was a good time. Santa out shone me on one gift. It was fun playing that up. The MIT left for church, dressed in His regular red and green. i was supposed to wrap 2 family gifts. i was supposed to start on the turkey. i had no aluminum wrap. No starting the turkey for me. i went back to sleep. i got a call from my Mom telling me to get up, and get moving on preparing the turkey and having a shower. Eventually i did just that. They all showed up at noon. Food, aluminum wrap, and presents all in toe. i wrapped up the turkey and put it in the oven, hoping 4 hours was good enough.
It was present time. i had Sis wrap Mom's gift, and also her own, since i just couldn't bring myself to do it. i got stuff. Sis got stuff. Dad got stuff. Mom got stuff. Nana and Auntie showed up, and more gifts were exchanged. Mom eventually sent me to bed once Nana, Auntie and Sis had to leave. i got to sleep for an hour. When i got up, the turkey was done. It literally fell apart when i moved it from the roasting pan to the plate. Wings, legs, and 1/2 the carcass fell off. i guess i did really good. From that point, Mom and Dad took over the dinner, and i got to just lie in front of the TV and relax. Overall, it was a good day. i survived. i made it. i lived through it. All good, i guess.
Boxing day - Today the MIT is already watching 2 new DVD's. i am sitting here typing on the computer with the NCIS marathon is on in the background. i get to go out with my Mom shopping, while the MIT and Dad get to spend quiet time together. i have adivan packed to deal with humans and Mom's driving. This is not going to be fun.
E just called. P is in the hospital. They don't know what is wrong with Him. He is out of emergency, and now in a room. K&B are here to help, and also because K is P's next of kin. An ultra sound is scheduled. That is a wait and see issue. E is going to call me later, to either talk, or as me to help out. i am on standby, and am happy with it. i help where i can, and do what i can, when she and He need me. i may be taking care of the kids. i may be driving E to the hospital to visit P. i may even be driving B back to TO. i am prepared to do whatever is needed.
i will also be spending as much time with D as i can. Without P, E can't get there. i will be taking that responsibility over. Not a problem for me. i can handle it. i will just be leaving the MIT home when i go over. i can't have Him going full blown at the hospice again.
So that is my recap. That is my plan, of sorts. That is how my life, which is intertwined with my friends' lives, will be going for the next little while. At least i have a purpose for now. Purpose keeps me here. Purpose and responsibility are the only things keeping me here.
Friday, December 05, 2008
A crying place
Today was therapy day. Yay!
Today i cried. Today i weaped. Today i put voice to the fact that i just want to curl up and die. Yeah, die. Then again, i have to many responsibilities. So, no dying for me. Instead i am going to curl up and stop functioning. At least for a little while.
Everything came down to me being frustrated about being responsible and about me being tired of actually functioning all the time. Today was about feeling out of control of what is happening around me. The MIT. D. Friends in need. Friends lost to opinions. Changes.
my therapist wants me there again next week. She knows, and i know, it is a safe place to voice all these things. It is safer than not being able to go outside. It is safer than all the panic attacks i have been dealing with. It is a place i can cry and weep and not worry about how i am perceived.
i will be there next week. i will let stuff out again. Then i will hide from functioning for a little while.
Today i cried. Today i weaped. Today i put voice to the fact that i just want to curl up and die. Yeah, die. Then again, i have to many responsibilities. So, no dying for me. Instead i am going to curl up and stop functioning. At least for a little while.
Everything came down to me being frustrated about being responsible and about me being tired of actually functioning all the time. Today was about feeling out of control of what is happening around me. The MIT. D. Friends in need. Friends lost to opinions. Changes.
my therapist wants me there again next week. She knows, and i know, it is a safe place to voice all these things. It is safer than not being able to go outside. It is safer than all the panic attacks i have been dealing with. It is a place i can cry and weep and not worry about how i am perceived.
i will be there next week. i will let stuff out again. Then i will hide from functioning for a little while.
Thursday, December 04, 2008
So much for plans...
That is why my favourite saying is "if you want to make God laugh, make plans". It was no one's fault but my own.
i had decided, and written down, that yesterday i would go to Fortinos, M&M's, Staples, White Flame, and Food Basics. Yeah, ok. That was tossed out when i realized i couldn't leave the house again. The panic attack was back. No idea why. i had been doing well the last couple of days. i tried. i even went to get my mail, and ended back in the house hyperventilating. So, i called my Mom and she took me to Fortinos. At least that got done. Later, when i knew lots of people wouldn't be around, i headed to White Flame (it was closed) and Staples. i wore my iPod and everything. i was able to cross Staples off the list. Yay me.
So today, i had been prepared to bake cookies and go to White Flame. Instead, i slept. i slept until i got a phone call asking for my help. i slept soundly until that point. Once i was asked, i said of course, thinking it wouldn't be a problem for me. i was wrong. i ended up needing to take adivan. Again, the thought of leaving the house was too much, but help was needed and i was the closest person for the job, so i took the yucky med, and off i went.
i am glad i did go. Where i went, was quiet. Where i went, there was love. Where i went, there was a sense of peace. i ended up going back later. i spent another 2 1/2 hours there. Sitting in the quiet and the dark. i helped put out a fire in her mind. i watched her, and i listened to her when she would talk. i listened to a snore for the first time in forever. Then i came home, where i now sit, and listen to His breath. Sitting in the dark and quiet. i watch Him and i listen for Him.
One is dying quicker than the other. Either way, it is both calming and scary to listen and watch them. Waiting for the seizure to happen. The one they will both get. The one that shows their life is shortening. The one that means life changes forever.
i had decided, and written down, that yesterday i would go to Fortinos, M&M's, Staples, White Flame, and Food Basics. Yeah, ok. That was tossed out when i realized i couldn't leave the house again. The panic attack was back. No idea why. i had been doing well the last couple of days. i tried. i even went to get my mail, and ended back in the house hyperventilating. So, i called my Mom and she took me to Fortinos. At least that got done. Later, when i knew lots of people wouldn't be around, i headed to White Flame (it was closed) and Staples. i wore my iPod and everything. i was able to cross Staples off the list. Yay me.
So today, i had been prepared to bake cookies and go to White Flame. Instead, i slept. i slept until i got a phone call asking for my help. i slept soundly until that point. Once i was asked, i said of course, thinking it wouldn't be a problem for me. i was wrong. i ended up needing to take adivan. Again, the thought of leaving the house was too much, but help was needed and i was the closest person for the job, so i took the yucky med, and off i went.
i am glad i did go. Where i went, was quiet. Where i went, there was love. Where i went, there was a sense of peace. i ended up going back later. i spent another 2 1/2 hours there. Sitting in the quiet and the dark. i helped put out a fire in her mind. i watched her, and i listened to her when she would talk. i listened to a snore for the first time in forever. Then i came home, where i now sit, and listen to His breath. Sitting in the dark and quiet. i watch Him and i listen for Him.
One is dying quicker than the other. Either way, it is both calming and scary to listen and watch them. Waiting for the seizure to happen. The one they will both get. The one that shows their life is shortening. The one that means life changes forever.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Panic and Anxiety
i know what panic and anxiety are. i experience both quite often. Right now, and for the last few weeks, i have been experiencing them every day. i don't know why. i know how i am dealing with it. i know how i am comforting myself. The problem is, at the moment, it is counter productive.
The panic and anxiety revolve around leaving the house. It isn't safe. It doesn't feel safe. i don't want to. i get a tightness in my chest with the idea. i start to sweat when i know it is a must. i avoid it to the point of finding reasons to stay in the house. i avoid it to the point of asking others to do my running around. A new "symptom" is that i don't feel comfortable driving the speed limit. It is too fast. It isn't safe. It doesn't feel safe.
One technique is to find a way to comfort myself when i am feeling this way. i am doing that. i am cleaning. i am cooking. i am organizing. my place has never been so clean. my kitchen has never been so tidy. Laundry is all done. Dishes are constantly being washed. Vacuuming is a daily occurrence. Even making my bed is a comfort. i feel safe here at home. i feel secure here at home. i feel at home here at home. Even still, it is counter productive.
i need to remember the ways i handled going out before. i know taking my iPod with me, and blocking out noise is one i can do. i know that self talk is another. Going out with someone out is another. i know that making myself go out is a way of breaking the thinking that it isn't safe, because i will be safe when i get back home.
Knowing all this isn't helping. Knowing that it is illogical isn't helping. Knowing i have lived through this before isn't helping. Knowing i will get through this again isn't helping. Talking about it isn't helping. Making myself go out isn't helping. Taking my meds isn't helping. Nothing has helped. i even carried it to camping.
i feel like i am rambling. i feel like i am trying to fix this, but am getting no where. i don't get why this is happening. Nothing bad happened. Nothing unsafe happened. i don't even know when it really started. i know one day i didn't want to leave. The next was fine. So was the next. Then another day when i didn't want to leave. Then another. Now it has snowballed. i don't know how to fix it.
The panic and anxiety revolve around leaving the house. It isn't safe. It doesn't feel safe. i don't want to. i get a tightness in my chest with the idea. i start to sweat when i know it is a must. i avoid it to the point of finding reasons to stay in the house. i avoid it to the point of asking others to do my running around. A new "symptom" is that i don't feel comfortable driving the speed limit. It is too fast. It isn't safe. It doesn't feel safe.
One technique is to find a way to comfort myself when i am feeling this way. i am doing that. i am cleaning. i am cooking. i am organizing. my place has never been so clean. my kitchen has never been so tidy. Laundry is all done. Dishes are constantly being washed. Vacuuming is a daily occurrence. Even making my bed is a comfort. i feel safe here at home. i feel secure here at home. i feel at home here at home. Even still, it is counter productive.
i need to remember the ways i handled going out before. i know taking my iPod with me, and blocking out noise is one i can do. i know that self talk is another. Going out with someone out is another. i know that making myself go out is a way of breaking the thinking that it isn't safe, because i will be safe when i get back home.
Knowing all this isn't helping. Knowing that it is illogical isn't helping. Knowing i have lived through this before isn't helping. Knowing i will get through this again isn't helping. Talking about it isn't helping. Making myself go out isn't helping. Taking my meds isn't helping. Nothing has helped. i even carried it to camping.
i feel like i am rambling. i feel like i am trying to fix this, but am getting no where. i don't get why this is happening. Nothing bad happened. Nothing unsafe happened. i don't even know when it really started. i know one day i didn't want to leave. The next was fine. So was the next. Then another day when i didn't want to leave. Then another. Now it has snowballed. i don't know how to fix it.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Waiting....
i am sitting here watching the clock. i have an appointment in 2 hours with the doctor to discuss the results of my mammogram and ultrasound. 2 hours to wait and worry. 2 hours to get a shower, get dressed, and then leave for the doctor's to hear if everything is normal, i have a cyst, calcium deposit, or growth that needs to be biopsied. 2 hours. Not enough time to hide under the covers. Not enough energy to go and get groceries. Too much time to think and think and think.
Think about the what ifs. Think about how i feel. Think about how i will react. Think about what will happen next. Think about how the MIT will feel. Think about how my parents will feel. Think about how my friends will feel.
i also lost 2 friends this past week. Not because of death, but because of how i handled my fear. They got mad about how i reacted to the fear i was feeling. They got mad about how others were being made to feel, without talking to them. They decided things about me. i have decided things about them. i have decided that they have rules that they expect others to live by, but not live that way themselves. i have decided i don't need to work so hard to keep friends. Those that truly care about me, and are friends of mine, understand me, and let me live how i please, knowing that i don't break their confidences, or purposely act to hurt them. Those that truly are my friends, know me, help me, and are there for me, just as i know them, help them, and are there for them. i am sad i am loosing people i thought cared for me so much, but am less stressed, knowing i don't have to live up to expectations they don't even hold up themselves.
What saddens me most about the situation is the MIT. He is mad. He misses them. He misses A. He says that they acted like Him. Mad about something and not able to let it go or talk about it. He talked about how they "lied" about forgiving me before. He talked about how He did that with Mr. B. at karate. He understands that they don't hate Him, and aren't mad at Him, but He knows the friendship has changed, and it does affect how often they will and how willing they will be to see Him, with them being mad at me. i like how "grown-up" He is getting.
He knows what is happening with me. He knows about the appointment and we have talked about what we are hoping the doctor will say. He is scared i will die, like others in my Mom's family, or like others from His church. He is scared how things will change if it isn't nothing or isn't a cyst.
i made Him come with me to see D and E and P. He likes that D is like Him. He likes that someone else He knows forgets words, slurs, or is shaky. He feels like He isn't alone so much in what He experiences. He understands how serious D's condition is, but He feels connected to her. He says D will be waiting to greet Him when He dies, along with Papa. He thinks D and Papa will be friends in heaven. He likes that idea. He liked that everyone was bald. He doesn't want me to go bald.
The MIT is having more seizures. He seized at school yesterday. He fell 5 times in a 1 1/2 hour period on Tuesday. He forgets more and more words. This morning He was so pale when He woke up. His condition is getting more and more unstable. Both with the way His balance is, and with His health. More seizures is a bad thing. More falling is a bad thing. i keep looking forward and i see Him spending more and more and more time in His wheelchair. He already is. He doesn't spend an entire day out of it, or without loosing muscle tone. Sure we don't use it much here at home, but even here He spends more and more time without a side working. It is a daily norm now.
Wow, i have now spent an entire 1/2 hour writing. That means only 1 hour before i leave to see the doctor. That means i have 1 1/2 hours before i see the doctor. That means 1 1/2 hours before i find out what the lump is.
Think about the what ifs. Think about how i feel. Think about how i will react. Think about what will happen next. Think about how the MIT will feel. Think about how my parents will feel. Think about how my friends will feel.
i also lost 2 friends this past week. Not because of death, but because of how i handled my fear. They got mad about how i reacted to the fear i was feeling. They got mad about how others were being made to feel, without talking to them. They decided things about me. i have decided things about them. i have decided that they have rules that they expect others to live by, but not live that way themselves. i have decided i don't need to work so hard to keep friends. Those that truly care about me, and are friends of mine, understand me, and let me live how i please, knowing that i don't break their confidences, or purposely act to hurt them. Those that truly are my friends, know me, help me, and are there for me, just as i know them, help them, and are there for them. i am sad i am loosing people i thought cared for me so much, but am less stressed, knowing i don't have to live up to expectations they don't even hold up themselves.
What saddens me most about the situation is the MIT. He is mad. He misses them. He misses A. He says that they acted like Him. Mad about something and not able to let it go or talk about it. He talked about how they "lied" about forgiving me before. He talked about how He did that with Mr. B. at karate. He understands that they don't hate Him, and aren't mad at Him, but He knows the friendship has changed, and it does affect how often they will and how willing they will be to see Him, with them being mad at me. i like how "grown-up" He is getting.
He knows what is happening with me. He knows about the appointment and we have talked about what we are hoping the doctor will say. He is scared i will die, like others in my Mom's family, or like others from His church. He is scared how things will change if it isn't nothing or isn't a cyst.
i made Him come with me to see D and E and P. He likes that D is like Him. He likes that someone else He knows forgets words, slurs, or is shaky. He feels like He isn't alone so much in what He experiences. He understands how serious D's condition is, but He feels connected to her. He says D will be waiting to greet Him when He dies, along with Papa. He thinks D and Papa will be friends in heaven. He likes that idea. He liked that everyone was bald. He doesn't want me to go bald.
The MIT is having more seizures. He seized at school yesterday. He fell 5 times in a 1 1/2 hour period on Tuesday. He forgets more and more words. This morning He was so pale when He woke up. His condition is getting more and more unstable. Both with the way His balance is, and with His health. More seizures is a bad thing. More falling is a bad thing. i keep looking forward and i see Him spending more and more and more time in His wheelchair. He already is. He doesn't spend an entire day out of it, or without loosing muscle tone. Sure we don't use it much here at home, but even here He spends more and more time without a side working. It is a daily norm now.
Wow, i have now spent an entire 1/2 hour writing. That means only 1 hour before i leave to see the doctor. That means i have 1 1/2 hours before i see the doctor. That means 1 1/2 hours before i find out what the lump is.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Dear Sir
It would have been 9 years Master. 9 years since You and i met on October 13th. i have cried for the last 2 nights. Still grieving over You . Still wishing You were here. Still wishing things were different. Still wishing You had kept Your promise that last night to never leave me again. Ever anniversary, i get lost in You.
You would be very proud and worried about the MIT. You have missed a lot. He is growing into a more mature boy. He is speaking up for Himself more at school. He is learning to do more things. He is taking more chances. He is still very obsessive, but sometimes in a good way. He is even telling me when He has homework and wants to do it with me, not have me do it for Him. His physical issues are getting worse. He can no longer stand still for any amount of time before loosing His balance. He falls more than He stands or walks. He is loosing sides more and more. He is having more full blown days. He has seizures now. Heck, He is on meds now. We are having to play with His meds to make the seizures less, but it doesn't seem to be working.
When You were around Master, i would have looked to You for comfort. i would have looked to you for reassurance about how He was doing, or if i am doing it right, or if i am worrying too much. i don't have that now. i doubt myself a lot. i doubt whether i can leave Him with the nurse. i doubt if giving Him these meds are actually helping verse hurting. i doubt whether any of His falls are worse than they look, or if i am panicking at some of them. It sucks not having You here to help make calls on that.
Yes, today i am feeling lost. i am lost in my head and in my feelings. i am lost in remembering both the good times and the bad. i still blame You for leaving me, even if it was in death. It still feels like You abandoned me and the MIT. i am still lost in all the lies You told, and the position You put me in after You died. i still wonder why You never followed through with anything You said would happen. From writing a will, to giving proper instructions. i am still very angry about that. The lies keep coming back to me. Lies about You playing in public when You said You wouldn't. Lies about what You had told other people. Heck, i recently found out that even though You told me i was no slave, and couldn't be a slave, that You told others i was Your slave. i also still hold a grudge about how far Your personal growth took You, and how i backed You up in it, but You held me back and wouldn't even try some of the stuff that i wanted to explore.
i have done some personal growth since You died. i am cooking now, and finding my feet in trying new recipes. i have taken the MIT and Dad camping twice now. We are planning a third trip in Nov. i am back to going to the diabetic clinic, and i have made a few commitments in regards to that. i am eating yogurt at every meal. i am getting my blood work done every 3 months. i am eating lunch 3-4 times a week. i am checking my blood sugars about 2 times a day. That one is really hard for me, but i am trying. i am going out more. Well, when i can afford it. i am even seeing someone pretty regularly. He is nice, and kind, and very new. The situation is more open than it was with You and B. Heck, his wife likes me coming over and spending time with them both. Still, it just isn't the same.
i miss the intensity You and i had. The way our energies seemed to mesh. The way we played and i could feel You with every stroke. Gods i could use that again. You hooking me up in the basement. All our hard toys hitting my skin. me taking all Your energy and loving it. You teasing me and hurting me. my head lost in the pain and in You. Your marks on my skin from the cane or the Kiss. You cutting into my skin, and then lighting it up. i miss that so much. i so need that. He and i don't play that way. He isn't ready for it.
Yes, i am lost in my feelings today. i have been for the last few days. i have even sprayed Your pillow again. i am running out of Your cologne. Your smell relaxes me, and calms me. It is the closest thing to having You here with me, in bed.
9 years ago i met You, and You changed my life. i love You.
You would be very proud and worried about the MIT. You have missed a lot. He is growing into a more mature boy. He is speaking up for Himself more at school. He is learning to do more things. He is taking more chances. He is still very obsessive, but sometimes in a good way. He is even telling me when He has homework and wants to do it with me, not have me do it for Him. His physical issues are getting worse. He can no longer stand still for any amount of time before loosing His balance. He falls more than He stands or walks. He is loosing sides more and more. He is having more full blown days. He has seizures now. Heck, He is on meds now. We are having to play with His meds to make the seizures less, but it doesn't seem to be working.
When You were around Master, i would have looked to You for comfort. i would have looked to you for reassurance about how He was doing, or if i am doing it right, or if i am worrying too much. i don't have that now. i doubt myself a lot. i doubt whether i can leave Him with the nurse. i doubt if giving Him these meds are actually helping verse hurting. i doubt whether any of His falls are worse than they look, or if i am panicking at some of them. It sucks not having You here to help make calls on that.
Yes, today i am feeling lost. i am lost in my head and in my feelings. i am lost in remembering both the good times and the bad. i still blame You for leaving me, even if it was in death. It still feels like You abandoned me and the MIT. i am still lost in all the lies You told, and the position You put me in after You died. i still wonder why You never followed through with anything You said would happen. From writing a will, to giving proper instructions. i am still very angry about that. The lies keep coming back to me. Lies about You playing in public when You said You wouldn't. Lies about what You had told other people. Heck, i recently found out that even though You told me i was no slave, and couldn't be a slave, that You told others i was Your slave. i also still hold a grudge about how far Your personal growth took You, and how i backed You up in it, but You held me back and wouldn't even try some of the stuff that i wanted to explore.
i have done some personal growth since You died. i am cooking now, and finding my feet in trying new recipes. i have taken the MIT and Dad camping twice now. We are planning a third trip in Nov. i am back to going to the diabetic clinic, and i have made a few commitments in regards to that. i am eating yogurt at every meal. i am getting my blood work done every 3 months. i am eating lunch 3-4 times a week. i am checking my blood sugars about 2 times a day. That one is really hard for me, but i am trying. i am going out more. Well, when i can afford it. i am even seeing someone pretty regularly. He is nice, and kind, and very new. The situation is more open than it was with You and B. Heck, his wife likes me coming over and spending time with them both. Still, it just isn't the same.
i miss the intensity You and i had. The way our energies seemed to mesh. The way we played and i could feel You with every stroke. Gods i could use that again. You hooking me up in the basement. All our hard toys hitting my skin. me taking all Your energy and loving it. You teasing me and hurting me. my head lost in the pain and in You. Your marks on my skin from the cane or the Kiss. You cutting into my skin, and then lighting it up. i miss that so much. i so need that. He and i don't play that way. He isn't ready for it.
Yes, i am lost in my feelings today. i have been for the last few days. i have even sprayed Your pillow again. i am running out of Your cologne. Your smell relaxes me, and calms me. It is the closest thing to having You here with me, in bed.
9 years ago i met You, and You changed my life. i love You.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Catching up yet again (Day 54 of Summer Vacation)
i don't even know when the last time i updated was. All i know is what has been happening recently.
1 - P&E - P&E went camping for over a week. i am currently babysitting 2 hamsters, and keeping an eye on Salem. The MIT went there Tuesday afternoon, to make sure Salem was doing ok. Salem probably has breast cancer. Right now, the plan is just to make sure she is comfortable. Tuesday she let me pick her up, and she went to eat while the MIT and i were there. We also picked up the hamster's balls so they could run around our house. The MIT doesn't like Fritz (female) but loves Seven (male).
2 - The MIT - On Tuesday night, after karate, the MIT came home full blown. He proceeded to have a 20 minute seizure, and then continued to seize on and off for 2 hours. i called 911, and He was taken to the hospital. There we stayed until Saturday afternoon. During that time, the MIT seized 2 more times, had an EEG that showed some spikes, and has had His med changed. He is now on Topamax. Well, starting Topamax. We are putting Him on it slowly. He is starting to show symptoms. He feels like His feet want to leave His body. He gets dizzy easily. Dad says the MIT looses His right side about an hour after taking his med. i will wait and see. i don't like that they sent us home on Saturday. i wanted Him in until Monday, just in case. At least with His getting out on Saturday, He was able to go to His grading. He now has a blue-stripe belt. He was so proud of it, He brought it home to me. i am really proud of Him.
3 - me - i am tired. i am stressed. i missed my therapy session because i forgot what time it was scheduled for. i am anxious. What if something happens while i am away? What if something goes wrong with the MIT's new meds? i do know not to live with "what if's" but i can't help it. They are in the back of my head. i am so tired. i can't seem to catch up on sleep, no matter how much time i am given. i want to cut so badly. i want to feel in control. my house isn't anywhere close to what i count as clean. i feel like there is just so much to do. i still have 2 appointments this week. One for therapy, and one with the doctor. Add to that, preparations for camp.
4 - Camp - For most people, there is only 4 sleeps until camp. For me, 2 sleeps. One on Tuesday evening, and one on Wednesday evening. i haven't gone shopping for everything, or anything, yet. i haven't started to gather stuff. Tomorrow i will be starting that. i still have a tunic and maybe a toga to make for J. i still have to learn how to roll. i want to be able to relax starting Thursday. i want to go and just "be". i am looking forward to pain. Sure it is by a hand i haven't even met yet, but at least i know i will feel pain. Yes, i am excited, but i am also worried. i am worried i won't have the money i need to buy what i need for camp. i am worried i will forget stuff. i am worried i will be so tired by Thursday, that i won't want to participate in anything to do with camp.
i guess that is all i need to catch up on. i am going to go and watch the Olympics. At least i have something to watch all night.
1 - P&E - P&E went camping for over a week. i am currently babysitting 2 hamsters, and keeping an eye on Salem. The MIT went there Tuesday afternoon, to make sure Salem was doing ok. Salem probably has breast cancer. Right now, the plan is just to make sure she is comfortable. Tuesday she let me pick her up, and she went to eat while the MIT and i were there. We also picked up the hamster's balls so they could run around our house. The MIT doesn't like Fritz (female) but loves Seven (male).
2 - The MIT - On Tuesday night, after karate, the MIT came home full blown. He proceeded to have a 20 minute seizure, and then continued to seize on and off for 2 hours. i called 911, and He was taken to the hospital. There we stayed until Saturday afternoon. During that time, the MIT seized 2 more times, had an EEG that showed some spikes, and has had His med changed. He is now on Topamax. Well, starting Topamax. We are putting Him on it slowly. He is starting to show symptoms. He feels like His feet want to leave His body. He gets dizzy easily. Dad says the MIT looses His right side about an hour after taking his med. i will wait and see. i don't like that they sent us home on Saturday. i wanted Him in until Monday, just in case. At least with His getting out on Saturday, He was able to go to His grading. He now has a blue-stripe belt. He was so proud of it, He brought it home to me. i am really proud of Him.
3 - me - i am tired. i am stressed. i missed my therapy session because i forgot what time it was scheduled for. i am anxious. What if something happens while i am away? What if something goes wrong with the MIT's new meds? i do know not to live with "what if's" but i can't help it. They are in the back of my head. i am so tired. i can't seem to catch up on sleep, no matter how much time i am given. i want to cut so badly. i want to feel in control. my house isn't anywhere close to what i count as clean. i feel like there is just so much to do. i still have 2 appointments this week. One for therapy, and one with the doctor. Add to that, preparations for camp.
4 - Camp - For most people, there is only 4 sleeps until camp. For me, 2 sleeps. One on Tuesday evening, and one on Wednesday evening. i haven't gone shopping for everything, or anything, yet. i haven't started to gather stuff. Tomorrow i will be starting that. i still have a tunic and maybe a toga to make for J. i still have to learn how to roll. i want to be able to relax starting Thursday. i want to go and just "be". i am looking forward to pain. Sure it is by a hand i haven't even met yet, but at least i know i will feel pain. Yes, i am excited, but i am also worried. i am worried i won't have the money i need to buy what i need for camp. i am worried i will forget stuff. i am worried i will be so tired by Thursday, that i won't want to participate in anything to do with camp.
i guess that is all i need to catch up on. i am going to go and watch the Olympics. At least i have something to watch all night.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Nightmare, or Dream? (Day 26)
i couldn't write this yesterday. That is when it happened. i needed a full night's sleep to process it. i was napping. i know i was napping. It was the only way i could have seen this. i dreamed about the MIT's death. i dreamed that it happened today. (dream in italics)
my Mom and Dad called. They had called 911 and were waiting for the ambulance. The MIT was doing that passed out, non-responsive thing. i was driving over there and then called them on my cell to find out when the ambulance got there and were leaving. i made my way to the hospital. Mom and Dad met me at the waiting room. i was not allowed to go into the emergency area. Something happened in the ambulance. He stopped breathing. i fought to be let in. They wouldn't let me in to see Him. i reminded them that i would not get in the way. That i just needed to be on the other side of the curtain. That i needed to be with my son, and that being in the waiting area was making me worse. They let me passed the locked door. They let my parents come with me. My Sis showed then, and they let her in too. After waiting what felt like forever, they let me in to see Him. He was on a respirator. He had wires to the heart monitor. He had IV's. He was not fighting the respirator. He was so pale.
i went out for a smoke. i left Mom and Sis with Him. i needed to make calls. Today was the party for M&S. We were supposed to go there today. i called P and E, telling them we couldn't make it. i explained the MIT was in the hospital. i asked them to let L and D know what was going on (i did not explain about the MIT's stopping breathing and being on the respirator) and to give M&S our love. i told them they could call me on the cell if they needed to talk to me.
Dad and i went back in, and were met by Mom and Sis. The MIT was getting worse. His blood pressure was dropping. His heart was having trouble keeping up. They were moving Him to ICU. They were going to get an emergency EEG done. They didn't know what was going on in His head. i wasn't allowed to go with Him. i didn't care. i went into the area, and stayed there. i was not going to miss saying hello when the MIT woke.
We were taken to ICU. It was about 2:00 pm by now. They wanted me out of the room while the hooked Him up to everything. They tried to distract me by asking me questions. i wasn't able to answer. my concentration was on the MIT. Mom and Dad answered the questions for me. i just wasn't going to leave Him alone. Not with nurses and doctors and people that didn't know Him. He needed me there. i needed to be there. i wouldn't go for a smoke. i wouldn't go for food. The staff were worried about me. my family was worried about me.
At 5:00pm, the MIT died. i wasn't there. They moved me out of the room. They set to work on Him. They shocked Him. They pumped more meds into Him. They never did get the EEG. They did all they could. He wasn't there anymore.
Even in the dream i was in a cloud. i called P and E and told them. They told L and D. i don't know who else they told. They wanted to know where i would be. Would i be at home alone? Would i be at my parent's house? They wanted to see me when they got back. i told them i was fine. i know my voice sounded hollow. i told them i wanted to go home and be alone, but my parents were taking me to their place. my Doctor called. She wanted me in the hospital under observation. my parents said no. They said what happened next was totally up to me.
The next day i was taken home. i answered phone messages. i wasn't really in my head. i felt lost. i picked out the MIT's clothes. Red shirt. Green pants. Tony Stewart cap. i told Mom and Dad that He was to be buried with His green pillow and Papa blankie. i called Karate. i told them what happened. They wanted Him to get a black belt. i said He could be buried with it. Everyone wanted the details. When. Where. i couldn't give them any. i didn't know myself. i allowed Mom and Dad to handle that. i kept saying "no silk pillow, just His green pillow". People started to show up here. They wanted to be here. i wanted to be alone. i wanted everyone out of my house. i wanted to be here. i wanted to be in His bed. They wanted to be with me and make sure i was ok.
i woke up before the funeral. i woke up thinking He was dying. i woke up grieving for something that hadn't happened. i woke up crying. i called my Mom and asked how He was. i needed to make sure that He was fine. i needed to know that they would call me if something went wrong. Mom kept saying i could go over and check on Him. i couldn't do that. Not in the state i was in. i would have freaked Him out. i couldn't stop crying. i was sure it would happen. i am still leery about it happening. i won't feel better until He is here, and we are getting ready to go to the party.
For now, everything is normal. Mom and Dad have Him. i am getting ready for the drive and party. i know in my head that none of this will happen today. my heart is not quite sure.
my Mom and Dad called. They had called 911 and were waiting for the ambulance. The MIT was doing that passed out, non-responsive thing. i was driving over there and then called them on my cell to find out when the ambulance got there and were leaving. i made my way to the hospital. Mom and Dad met me at the waiting room. i was not allowed to go into the emergency area. Something happened in the ambulance. He stopped breathing. i fought to be let in. They wouldn't let me in to see Him. i reminded them that i would not get in the way. That i just needed to be on the other side of the curtain. That i needed to be with my son, and that being in the waiting area was making me worse. They let me passed the locked door. They let my parents come with me. My Sis showed then, and they let her in too. After waiting what felt like forever, they let me in to see Him. He was on a respirator. He had wires to the heart monitor. He had IV's. He was not fighting the respirator. He was so pale.
i went out for a smoke. i left Mom and Sis with Him. i needed to make calls. Today was the party for M&S. We were supposed to go there today. i called P and E, telling them we couldn't make it. i explained the MIT was in the hospital. i asked them to let L and D know what was going on (i did not explain about the MIT's stopping breathing and being on the respirator) and to give M&S our love. i told them they could call me on the cell if they needed to talk to me.
Dad and i went back in, and were met by Mom and Sis. The MIT was getting worse. His blood pressure was dropping. His heart was having trouble keeping up. They were moving Him to ICU. They were going to get an emergency EEG done. They didn't know what was going on in His head. i wasn't allowed to go with Him. i didn't care. i went into the area, and stayed there. i was not going to miss saying hello when the MIT woke.
We were taken to ICU. It was about 2:00 pm by now. They wanted me out of the room while the hooked Him up to everything. They tried to distract me by asking me questions. i wasn't able to answer. my concentration was on the MIT. Mom and Dad answered the questions for me. i just wasn't going to leave Him alone. Not with nurses and doctors and people that didn't know Him. He needed me there. i needed to be there. i wouldn't go for a smoke. i wouldn't go for food. The staff were worried about me. my family was worried about me.
At 5:00pm, the MIT died. i wasn't there. They moved me out of the room. They set to work on Him. They shocked Him. They pumped more meds into Him. They never did get the EEG. They did all they could. He wasn't there anymore.
Even in the dream i was in a cloud. i called P and E and told them. They told L and D. i don't know who else they told. They wanted to know where i would be. Would i be at home alone? Would i be at my parent's house? They wanted to see me when they got back. i told them i was fine. i know my voice sounded hollow. i told them i wanted to go home and be alone, but my parents were taking me to their place. my Doctor called. She wanted me in the hospital under observation. my parents said no. They said what happened next was totally up to me.
The next day i was taken home. i answered phone messages. i wasn't really in my head. i felt lost. i picked out the MIT's clothes. Red shirt. Green pants. Tony Stewart cap. i told Mom and Dad that He was to be buried with His green pillow and Papa blankie. i called Karate. i told them what happened. They wanted Him to get a black belt. i said He could be buried with it. Everyone wanted the details. When. Where. i couldn't give them any. i didn't know myself. i allowed Mom and Dad to handle that. i kept saying "no silk pillow, just His green pillow". People started to show up here. They wanted to be here. i wanted to be alone. i wanted everyone out of my house. i wanted to be here. i wanted to be in His bed. They wanted to be with me and make sure i was ok.
i woke up before the funeral. i woke up thinking He was dying. i woke up grieving for something that hadn't happened. i woke up crying. i called my Mom and asked how He was. i needed to make sure that He was fine. i needed to know that they would call me if something went wrong. Mom kept saying i could go over and check on Him. i couldn't do that. Not in the state i was in. i would have freaked Him out. i couldn't stop crying. i was sure it would happen. i am still leery about it happening. i won't feel better until He is here, and we are getting ready to go to the party.
For now, everything is normal. Mom and Dad have Him. i am getting ready for the drive and party. i know in my head that none of this will happen today. my heart is not quite sure.