And it keeps going

The spotting i mean. i went for my ultrasound and then the doctor's. Won't know the results until Monday or Tuesday. When i move or change position, i bleed again. i am getting frustrated. i want the pain and the bleeding to stop. i want to get "normal" again.

Still not smoking. It is amazing how my bank account is reflecting this. It is interesting not having to worry about running out of money for another week. i am really proud of myself. i am doing really well.

i am getting bored with the afghan. i want to make something more difficult. i want to make something to wear. i think. i will finish the afghan. i will finish it soon. i will be needing it when we go camping again. i am trying to convince everyone (meaning the MIT, and Dad) that we should go at the end of this month, or the middle of April for the first trip of this year. i also need to figure out when we have to book sites for the summer. i so want to go camping again. It will be different with not smoking. i will need stuff to do with my hands when the MIT and Dad are busy watching DVD's. i am glad i have more recipes in my arsenal now. It will make camping and meal eating more fun.

Etsy is still drawing my attention. Sometimes it inspires what i want to do next. Sometimes it makes me want to spend money. i have a list of favourite sellers and favourite items a mile long. And i keep going back. There are so many interesting "shops" there. i have favourite jewelery shops. i have favourite pottery shops. i even have favourite handmade purse shops. i don't really have favourite knitting shops, mainly because i can knit and like to knit, and if they are listed as one of my favourites, it is because i want to borrow their patterns or ideas.

Oh, big news. The MIT is going to be grading for His BROWN belt on the 14th. He is doing really well with it, and His teachers are being really positive and only making a few concessions for Him. He is even self advocating to do it. He knows when He can ask to test. He knows that He needs to work hard. i am really proud of Him. After brown, it is brown-stripe, red, red-stripe, black. His teachers are working really hard to get Him to black. They want it so bad for Him. i am proud of them all.

Ok, time to get ready to go out and get groceries with my Mom and Dad (still no driving allowed). Then home to make chili and store it, chicken noodle soup and store it, banana bread and store it, and apple crisp and store it. It is a keep busy day. i don't know what i am trying to hide from, but it is what baking and cooking help me do.

Content....sort of

This weekend was great. It was relaxing, and enjoyable, and full of friends and fun.

Saturday was P's party. E finally pulled of a surprise for Him. First it was dinner at Tucker's, then going to a decorated house for cake and presents. There were 13 of us at dinner. L&D with M&S, me, Sh, K&B, and of course P&E with C&T, plus Br. Back at the house H&D, and LL did all the decorating. Other than Sh, who had plans that evening, we all headed back to the streamer and balloon filled house. P did really well on the gift front. Underwear with Jesus on the butt, a fisting pen, a whip, Reeces Peanut butter cups, books, CD's. He raked it in.

Saturday was good for me also. i actually spent time with everyone. i didn't back out. i enjoyed being around everyone again. Yes it helped that i wasn't the only single person there. That actually helped a lot. i feel weird being around people that are couples sometimes. i end up feeling lonely. Saturday i didn't. i did have a bit of an issue being surrounded by so many Doms. i almost asked if i could have a smoke. It was also comforting being around that many Doms. There was a feeling of peace inside me i miss. i easily would have curled up at K's feet, or L's. P's feet were covered by LL and E.

Sunday was also nice. i picked up the MIT and we went and spent more of His birthday money. He got a new game for His Nintendo DS, and a new CD. It was nice being with Him. Unfortunately, He is also sick. We ended up spending all day today together, and will again tomorrow. Still, with Him being sick, He is quite cuddly and easy going. Once He starts to feel better, He will be more difficult to get along with. That will be my cue to send Him back to school.

Tonight, the MIT is already in bed, and i am soon to follow. It is too cold to sit outside and read. Maybe tomorrow night will be better. Then again, i can always start a little fire in my BBQ. Hmmmm, which to do?

Weekend off

Last night, there was no beeping. Last night was quiet and comfortable. Last night was all to myself. That is right, the MIT is away this weekend.

Today will be filled with slow moving. Today will be filled with no running around to do. All i have to do is be one place, and it is a place i will enjoy. Other than that, today is a lazy, do nothing, listen to whatever i want, no MIT asking what to do. Today is all about me lounging and being me.

P made it to His birthday. i didn't know exactly how much i was dreading the 17th, until i was able to call Him and wish Him a happy birthday on the phone on the 18th. Clouds lifted, and i was calm.

The MIT is....volatile. You never know what MIT you are going to get. He is taking His punishment like a man, with little to no arguing. Giving Him a choice of what chore to do, has been the best idea. He has actually been looking forward to it. It is weird. At least my patio furniture is clean, and so is my back yard. i wonder what to give him come Monday and Tuesday.

Well, breakfast has been eaten. Meds have been taken. Time to go and have a nice bath, and read in the tub i think. Once the sun is fully up, i will be sitting on my patio, reading and enjoying the quiet. A nice spring day to relax to.

i need something sunny here

On Ostara, i transplanted all my house plants. i put them all in bigger pots. i separated some that lived in the same pot. i worked with the dirt and i was hoping to give them better life.

So far, all the plants are doing well. Really well. i am proud of their progress. my Christmas Cactus is growing new stuff. my ivy has new shoots all over the place. my violets are not flowering, but the greenery is doing much better. The one plant i was really worried about was my shamrock. It is a funny plant.

The shamrocks grow out of the pine cone like pods. When i transplanted it, i was worried i had killed it. It is over 17 years old. It has survived an infestation of fruit flies. It has survived my Dad and Sis not watering it. i can officially say it has survived the transplant. New growth abounds. New little 3 leaf shamrocks are growing from the dirt. It is doing really well.

Ok, that is my little bit of sunshine. A not so yucky post. i need that both here, and in my life.

Here is some of my sunshine :

Needed

i needed Tuesday night. i finally quit asking why, once i called P. He reminded me that why didn't matter. i needed that reminder. i needed to just feel, and to just go with the feelings, and let them come out. i had forgotten that. Sandy will be proud tomorrow. She will be proud i called a friend for help. She will be proud i eventually let go of the why. Heck, i am proud.

Yes i actually reached out for help. Yes i took the advice. For those, i am proud.

Other than that, today is a beautiful day. It is sunny out. It is 7 degrees outside. i am going to be cleaning up the back patio, and maybe the back garden. Man i really want a little gate on my patio so i can easily access my back yard. Oh well. That takes money i don't currently have. Heck, may never have. i have decided this year i am actually going to work on the garden part. i am actually going to put up "fencing" or a strong boarder around where i am putting the garden. i may only be able to do that, since money is so tight, but at least that will get done. i want my garden to be an oasis for me. Some place i want to spend lots of time and energy.

i am glad the sun and warmth is out. i need that too.

Spring is here?

Today feels like spring. It rained this morning, and is calling for more rain later, but right now it is sunny and 14. i have shovelled the last of the snow and dead leaves from my back patio. i have as many windows open that i can. There is the smell of rotting leaves and wet grass floating into my house. Some would say it is a yucky smell, but after so much snow, it smells great.

Yes i know, there is snow in the forcast, but right now it is spring.

Being OK is actually OK

Today was therapy day. It was a good session. When Sandy asked how i was, i came right out and said that i was OK. i am getting used to being OK. i am dreading a time when i am not so OK, but i am enjoying being OK right now. Sandy is happy for me. She also understands that i am prepared for not being OK. She assured me that i do have the tools for when i am not OK. That was nice to hear.

We talked about how i didn't get depressed over being lied to by some guy. i didn't get depressed over the issues surrounding the MIT and school, or His cutting. i didn't get manic either. i didn't hurt myself. i cleaned. i danced around the house. i was OK.

We also talked about the MIT. Guess what. She agrees He is depressed, and wants me to push His seeing a psychiatrist. Duh. He has been depressed for a number of years. He hates Himself. The new acting out (cutting and hitting Himself) are just a progression of His depression. i had already decided to push His seeing someone more than just His Beth. Stuff is getting to the point that i don't think she can handle it. It was nice hearing Sandy back me up in how i have been feeling about the MIT. She also reassured me that with the tools that i have, i am doing the best for my son.

Right now it is snowing. i am enjoying watching it fall. It keeps flipping from giant, fluffy flakes, to the small, drizzly kind. i know a lot of people are sick of the snow and miss the sun. i have been getting my sun when it is out. i stand out side, basking in it. i open all my blinds and let it shine in the windows. i am also surrounding myself with flowers of the spring. Tulips on my alter. A pot of daffodil bulbs on my kitchen table. i have been keeping my green stuff healthy. All 4 plants on my file cabinet. 2 plants on my desk. 2 plants above my TV. 4 plants in my kitchen. i feel better when i am surrounded by green and colour.

i am also looking forward to the MIT's 16th birthday. i got my income tax back, and i am going to splurge and get Him a Nintendo DS. i had thought about a Wii, but i doubt He would play it as much as the DS. i am also looking forward to my birthday. The MIT has decided that we are going to the Mandarin for my birthday dinner. i know He has already gotten my gift. He did it when i was at therapy. It will be a good time.

Soon to be 38, and still counting. That is remarkable in its own right, considering how suicidal i have been.

Tomorrow and today

Tomorrow, the date i was supposed to have, well, i got scammed. The man wasn't who he said he was. i found out before meeting him. He has my address. i was stupid in the fact that i moved to fast, but smart when things he said didn't make sense anymore. i am feeling more stupid than smart. i am feeling more angry at myself than at the liar. Live and learn.

Today was a difficult day. Today the school told the MIT that He is no longer allowed to move around the caffateria and socialize unless He is in His wheel chair. i warned Him yesterday. i caught Him cutting Himself. His cutting came after a lot of Him swearing and yelling in His room.

i didn't want to shame Him. i am a cutter myself. i know that won't help Him stop. He has an appointment with His therapist, but not until the middle of March. He doesn't know what to do with large amounts of emotions. i don't know how to teach Him how to deal with them. i can only come up with plans for Him to follow (like swearing in His room, or punching His pillow) when He feels so overwhelmed.

Yesterday, i decided i needed to brighten up this place. i replaced light bulbs. i bought flowers. i set up my altar to reflect the coming seasonal change.

Isn't it pretty? The morning sun lights it up really nicely. The little leprechaun is a candle and a gift from the MIT last year. i will be burning it this year. The MIT wants me to.

i am not depressed over everything that has happened. That is a good thing. i am not manic. That is also a good thing. i seem to be pretty even keeled right now. It is a little weird. Good but weird. i am more used to being up or down. It is interesting getting used to.

Well, i guess that is all for now. Wish me luck on the weekend if the liar shows up. i do have backup, so i am not that worried. i am just hoping it is over.