A month gone by....

Therapy is going well.  I am getting along with the group and learning more and more skills.  My individual therapy is also going well.  Karen and I are now moving to the point where I get to experience an emotion, for a controlled amount of time, and discuss how it felt.  It is hard getting used to opening myself up like that.  Unlike with Sandy, I trust Karen to not let me get away with going "intellectual" when I need to be emotional.

It seems I have mastered a number of the main skills.  My favourite is One Mindfully.  It is like meditating on what I am doing without any outward distractions.  Even putting laundry away is different with this skill.  Another is called Self Sooth.  Having a bath with oils or bubbles.  Doing my nails.  Having a cup of tea.  All these are self soothing things that can bring me back down to a peaceful space.  I like learning this stuff.  I didn't think I would, but I really am.

I am still seeing my puppy.  He is fun.  He is a distraction.  He is safe. 

The MIT is still, slowly, moving backwards.  He is getting more and more unstable.  Pictures are going to have to come down soon, so none get broken as He stumbles into the walls.  His health has also diminished.  He has been sick since the middles of September, and can't seem to shake what He has.  Since He has been so sick, so have I.

Right now, my health sucks.  I have a bad cough, and can't seem to shake it.  Tomorrow is the doctor's to see if my chest has cleared up, or gotten worse. 

Samhain was nice.  I hung bones in my tree.  I did what I wanted to do.  I served a good dinner.  I am sad I celebrated alone.  The MIT wasn't even here for it.  I did it for me.  I enjoyed it.  I enjoyed preparing for the night.  I enjoyed writing my regrets and burning them.  I enjoyed forgiving myself, and letting things go. 

Tonight I can say that things are good.  I am content.

November 1st

Samhain has come and gone. i actually had a really good time this year. Like last year, i was surrounded by friends and family. Unlike last year, D wasn't there. i know how much i miss her. i can't imagine how much E is missing her. Samhain is a time when you invite your ancestors to your table, and say goodbye to those who have gone before you. It is both a happy time, and a sad time.

The MIT has been getting more fragile. He is waisting away. He is giving up. All i could think about (other than missing D and finally being reunited with L and her girls) was that soon, sooner rather than later, the MIT's picture will be on the altar. We will be wishing Him a happy journey, and supposed to be comforted that He will be waiting for me. i got myself into so much of a funk last night, that i had to leave early.

i want to fix Him. i want to be able to put that will to be involved and happy into Him. i want to make life OK for Him. i know i can't, and that is killing me inside.

Time to go back to my room and hide again.

Happy Samhain, Happy Halloween

The MIT is home. He has been home since Sunday night. He has yet to have a good night sleep, but i am determined to send Him to school today. He needs to get back into His routine. i am so happy He is home. We have had a good couple of days of doing very little, napping during the day, and trying to figure out how to feed Him on an Australian schedule. i did get presents. i got sand from 2 beaches. i got lots of pictures. i got an Australian jacket. i think that is it.

Tonight we were supposed to go to Toronto to celebrate Samhain and Halloween. The MIT is still off, and with this being His first day back at school, i don't think either He or i could handle going out of town. He is already feeling anxious with the idea of going back to school, and i don't want to add in more anxiety for Him. Instead, He and i will be handing out candy to any kids that come to our door.

i need to figure out what i am going to dress as. i am thinking little red riding hood, with a twist. i haven't worn that outfit in a long time, and i think i want to again. On top of that, i want to do a Samhain ritual. i need to set up my alter, and get some apples to bury, and some sage to cleanse the house, and some pictures of Mike and Papa for the alter.

Well, that is all for today. After the MIT leaves for school, i am going to lie down in bed, and then head to the store for candy, apples, and other things for my alter, and the day.

Happy Halloween, and happy Samhain everyone