Both are well. Charlie is home, and was home Sunday night. TJ doesn't feel any guilt. TJ even went up to Charlie and petted him. He checked out Charlie's scar and went "eww"
Me, well, I am still surviving. I am working on little sleep. I have not had a chance to catch up on all the sleep I lost Saturday, Sunday and Monday nights. I will make it through. I always do.
Tomorrow is the anniversary of when I first started keeping an online "journal". It will be 7 years. This journal has gone through a lot of changes. It started out when I was with Mike and I needed a place to vent. It moved to a place for me to grieve. Now it is a place for me to vent, and let go, and just be for a while.
I don't know if I will ever make this back into a BDSM journal. I don't know if that is where I am headed. Right now, I just know what I put down is how I am feeling, and how I am doing. I am going to keep trying to keep Charlie stuff to his own journal. It is difficult since he and TJ are such big parts of my life.
I hope this is enough. It is for me.
Showing posts with label Feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Feelings. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Sigh
I am not so angry at TJ. He is him. Just all means I need to do a walk through before letting Charlie out of his crate. What I am feeling is relief. He is fine. Well, he has a big cut in and on him, but other than that, all is good.
Relief is an interesting feeling. I started crying after I talked to the vet this morning, and found out I get to go and feed Charlie around 2. I am watching the clock. I want 2 to get here now. It is like I understand that the vets say he is ok, but like with TJ, I need to see it for myself. I need to touch him. I need to see him. I need to let him see me. Then, and only then, will I know he is ok.
For now, it is time to take care of myself, have something to eat, and get ready to see him.
I will talk about my Mother later.
Relief is an interesting feeling. I started crying after I talked to the vet this morning, and found out I get to go and feed Charlie around 2. I am watching the clock. I want 2 to get here now. It is like I understand that the vets say he is ok, but like with TJ, I need to see it for myself. I need to touch him. I need to see him. I need to let him see me. Then, and only then, will I know he is ok.
For now, it is time to take care of myself, have something to eat, and get ready to see him.
I will talk about my Mother later.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Emotions and surgeries
On Monday, Charlie had his first surgery. He was neutered. No biggy. He handled it all very well. He hasn't really licked at or bitten at his stitches. That isn't what this post is about.
This post is about the worry, guilt, sadness, anger and panic I am feeling right now, as Charlie is in surgery to have 5 razor blades removed from his stomach.
Worried - He might not make it. The blades could have moved from his stomach, lower, putting him at more risk. He could be fine, but my mind is on how much this is costing me, my family, and him not making it
Guilt - I didn't check the bathroom to make sure there was nothing he could get at, since there has never been anything for him to get at. I had to ask my Mom and Dad for $4000 to pay for the surgery and there is going to be more costs involved post surgery. This is my dog and I should be able to pay for anything that happens to him. Yes I have insurance, but that only covers part of what the expense is going to be.
Sadness - I am home alone without my baby. I want him here. I can't fix it. I have to count on someone else to fix it. I want to be in that operating room with him right now. I miss him. He isn't in his crate. I didn't get to feed him dinner. What if he is hungry? I miss him. I need him here.
Anger - TJ moved the damned razor and made this all possible. If TJ didn't do that, none of this would have happened. Why does TJ have to be such an ass about everything being moved or how he likes it? Why can't he just leave things alone? Why did he have to move my razor?
Panic - all these feelings mixing together and I want to cut and drink and eat and I know I shouldn't. Right now I am just sitting here, second by second, telling myself what a good girl I am for not doing any of those things. Cheer leading was never my strong suit, so this is hard, but I am making it.
I am making it so that when the vet calls, I can be coherent enough to hear what she says. To hear how he is. To understand what happens next and when I can see him.
This post is about the worry, guilt, sadness, anger and panic I am feeling right now, as Charlie is in surgery to have 5 razor blades removed from his stomach.
Worried - He might not make it. The blades could have moved from his stomach, lower, putting him at more risk. He could be fine, but my mind is on how much this is costing me, my family, and him not making it
Guilt - I didn't check the bathroom to make sure there was nothing he could get at, since there has never been anything for him to get at. I had to ask my Mom and Dad for $4000 to pay for the surgery and there is going to be more costs involved post surgery. This is my dog and I should be able to pay for anything that happens to him. Yes I have insurance, but that only covers part of what the expense is going to be.
Sadness - I am home alone without my baby. I want him here. I can't fix it. I have to count on someone else to fix it. I want to be in that operating room with him right now. I miss him. He isn't in his crate. I didn't get to feed him dinner. What if he is hungry? I miss him. I need him here.
Anger - TJ moved the damned razor and made this all possible. If TJ didn't do that, none of this would have happened. Why does TJ have to be such an ass about everything being moved or how he likes it? Why can't he just leave things alone? Why did he have to move my razor?
Panic - all these feelings mixing together and I want to cut and drink and eat and I know I shouldn't. Right now I am just sitting here, second by second, telling myself what a good girl I am for not doing any of those things. Cheer leading was never my strong suit, so this is hard, but I am making it.
I am making it so that when the vet calls, I can be coherent enough to hear what she says. To hear how he is. To understand what happens next and when I can see him.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Control / Perfection issues
So I am still having problems walking Charlie. I am so frustrated, I have made calls to different trainers. They all cost hundreds of dollars. I can't afford that, so I keep trudging along hoping I am doing ok at this. In the house, he has calmed so much, and I have full control. Outside, in the front and beyond, not the same story.
I talked to my Mom about this. She reminded me of how I was obsessed with making sure I was a perfect Mom to TJ. That I didn't (and still don't) want to be what most people see as a single Mother. What most people see as a mother of a disabled child. That I have to appear perfect. That if he acted out in public, I was horrified. I felt like (and still do) a really bad mother, and what everyone thinks of, when they hear about a single mom.
She is right. I want to be perfect at this. I want his life (Charlie's) and TJ's life to be what they deserve. They deserve to be happy and to not show any form of contention. I don't like hearing from others how to raise either of them. I don't like hearing how I need to just be me and back off a little. I don't like hearing how they would do it, if it was them.
I don't like hearing it, because they have no idea what it is like to be in my shoes. They have no idea how hard it is to balance (with TJ) a sense of perfection, and a sense of self. They have no idea how hard it is to get a puggle to walk on a leash with a bad back from lifting and moving TJ around. They all just have no idea.
Add to that, my insane need to be perfect and in control. Yes Charlie has come a long way from where he was when he first got here, but I feel like he should be walking so much better on a leash. The fact that I saw a boy about 10 years old, walking a puppy without any problems, doesn't help.
I hate doubting myself, but that is where I am again tonight. Full of doubt, and looking for control and perfection.
I talked to my Mom about this. She reminded me of how I was obsessed with making sure I was a perfect Mom to TJ. That I didn't (and still don't) want to be what most people see as a single Mother. What most people see as a mother of a disabled child. That I have to appear perfect. That if he acted out in public, I was horrified. I felt like (and still do) a really bad mother, and what everyone thinks of, when they hear about a single mom.
She is right. I want to be perfect at this. I want his life (Charlie's) and TJ's life to be what they deserve. They deserve to be happy and to not show any form of contention. I don't like hearing from others how to raise either of them. I don't like hearing how I need to just be me and back off a little. I don't like hearing how they would do it, if it was them.
I don't like hearing it, because they have no idea what it is like to be in my shoes. They have no idea how hard it is to balance (with TJ) a sense of perfection, and a sense of self. They have no idea how hard it is to get a puggle to walk on a leash with a bad back from lifting and moving TJ around. They all just have no idea.
Add to that, my insane need to be perfect and in control. Yes Charlie has come a long way from where he was when he first got here, but I feel like he should be walking so much better on a leash. The fact that I saw a boy about 10 years old, walking a puppy without any problems, doesn't help.
I hate doubting myself, but that is where I am again tonight. Full of doubt, and looking for control and perfection.
Sunday, February 06, 2011
Still with the Charlie
I am really thinking something out. Karen, my therapist, says to just let it go and enjoy. I on the other hand, feel the need to think and ponder and think some more.
Since getting Charlie, I am no longer looking to fill a void. A void I never realized I had. I haven't thought about calling / finding a man. No drinking at all. Even thoughts of quiting smoking, even though I can still afford it.
So maybe it is time to do as Karen says. Just enjoy what is happening, and see what happens. Charlie is still a puppy, and still requires a lot of care. He will become less of a handful, but will constantly need me. Just like TJ.
Speaking of TJ. I am legally his guardian. I now have control over his finances, and medical decisions for the rest of his life. When I first got the news....a deep breathe of thank the gods. Seconds later, I was in tears. I shouldn't. This should be different. He should be able to do it on his own. Then I shared this and E said the perfect thing back to me. She said how much she is missing the "control" she has over her kids, now that they are teens. She is missing a lot of what I get to experience. It made me think. I was better.
So congrats to me on filling a void without destructive behaviour. Congrats to me for getting guardianship. Congrats to me for having an 18 year old that cuddles and snuggles, and still needs me every day.
Since getting Charlie, I am no longer looking to fill a void. A void I never realized I had. I haven't thought about calling / finding a man. No drinking at all. Even thoughts of quiting smoking, even though I can still afford it.
So maybe it is time to do as Karen says. Just enjoy what is happening, and see what happens. Charlie is still a puppy, and still requires a lot of care. He will become less of a handful, but will constantly need me. Just like TJ.
Speaking of TJ. I am legally his guardian. I now have control over his finances, and medical decisions for the rest of his life. When I first got the news....a deep breathe of thank the gods. Seconds later, I was in tears. I shouldn't. This should be different. He should be able to do it on his own. Then I shared this and E said the perfect thing back to me. She said how much she is missing the "control" she has over her kids, now that they are teens. She is missing a lot of what I get to experience. It made me think. I was better.
So congrats to me on filling a void without destructive behaviour. Congrats to me for getting guardianship. Congrats to me for having an 18 year old that cuddles and snuggles, and still needs me every day.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Busy month and HAPPY!!!!!
OK. So a lot has gone on since the 31st of December, but I am only going to concentrate on one thing.
I GOT A DOG!!!!!!!
That is right. I now own a dog. A long time ago, I was allergic to dogs. When I had an allergy test done again for a food allergy diagnosis, they also tested me for cats and dogs and a few other mundane things. Well, the cat prick came back as sever. So no cats for me still. The dog test came back perfectly fine. Now I have kept this a secret, because TJ has wanted a dog for a long time, and I wasn't ready. He and I have talked about it more in the last year. He has known for a little bit, that I am not allergic to dogs.
Back in October, my "friend" (not anymore, and not really for a very long while) wanted to buy a puggle (part pug and part beagle). I drove her out to the person that was selling them, and drove the two of them home, and then went out with her to get supplies for the new puppy. She and her family of 3 kids and a "husband", plus his 2 kids named him Charlie.
I found out on the 16th, that she was trying to sell him, and had been trying since the beginning of the year. I was livid, and excited. I asked my Sis her opinion, and she said no. I asked my Dad his opinion, and he said no. I asked my Mom her opinion, and she said yes. My Mom actually said Yes! I talked to Karen, and she said yes. That was it. I said yes. On the 17th, I drove home after seeing Karen, stopped at my "friend's" place, asked if Charlie was still up for sale, told her I wanted him and off I was to the bank and then back to get the dog.
After getting him (and a receipt), I started working with him. He was a lot rowdy. He was aggressive. He was hard to relax. He had long claws. His last visit to the vet said his next appointment should have been on Dec. 29th. He was eating yucky food. He had been left in a cage or on the back deck. He had never been on a walk. He was hating the leash. He had two collars that did nothing to do for a correction. It turned out he was late for his last set of shots (due on the 29th, then changed to the 14th) and they never even cancelled or went to the appointment.
Since then, he is a much happier and healthier dog. He got a check up and his claws cut at the vet's on the 13th. He will go to the door when he needs to pee or poo. He knows how to sit and stay. He is a ball of energy, and I have found 2 ways to expel this pent up energy. I actually jog with him, or take him to my Mom and Dad's to use their backyard. I also am doing the "doggy boot camp" the vet recommended. He is an attention seeker, and we are curbing his choices of how to get attention. He has run of the house when it is only me and/or TJ home. He is on leash when Thelma is here. He is on leash for a lot of the time when Sis is here. Today he actually stayed off leash when my Dad came to get TJ. Even in that excitement, he was calm and would sit when told. He even stayed out and about when TJ went full blown and I had to sit on the floor and pay most of my attention to TJ. We still have problems with walking and him wanting to follow every scent in the world, but things are getting better.
Since being in my home, he is a well behaved 5 month old boy. We go for 2-3 walks a day when the MIT is not home from school. We go threw the "doggie boot camp" training at least once a day. His treats are ice cubes in his water bowl, and cut up carrots. When he is calm and relaxed, he gets petted and scratched. When he breaks a rule, his is ignored for a little bit. He is learning quickly. He is a joy to have around.
I GOT A DOG!!!!!!!
That is right. I now own a dog. A long time ago, I was allergic to dogs. When I had an allergy test done again for a food allergy diagnosis, they also tested me for cats and dogs and a few other mundane things. Well, the cat prick came back as sever. So no cats for me still. The dog test came back perfectly fine. Now I have kept this a secret, because TJ has wanted a dog for a long time, and I wasn't ready. He and I have talked about it more in the last year. He has known for a little bit, that I am not allergic to dogs.
Back in October, my "friend" (not anymore, and not really for a very long while) wanted to buy a puggle (part pug and part beagle). I drove her out to the person that was selling them, and drove the two of them home, and then went out with her to get supplies for the new puppy. She and her family of 3 kids and a "husband", plus his 2 kids named him Charlie.
I found out on the 16th, that she was trying to sell him, and had been trying since the beginning of the year. I was livid, and excited. I asked my Sis her opinion, and she said no. I asked my Dad his opinion, and he said no. I asked my Mom her opinion, and she said yes. My Mom actually said Yes! I talked to Karen, and she said yes. That was it. I said yes. On the 17th, I drove home after seeing Karen, stopped at my "friend's" place, asked if Charlie was still up for sale, told her I wanted him and off I was to the bank and then back to get the dog.
After getting him (and a receipt), I started working with him. He was a lot rowdy. He was aggressive. He was hard to relax. He had long claws. His last visit to the vet said his next appointment should have been on Dec. 29th. He was eating yucky food. He had been left in a cage or on the back deck. He had never been on a walk. He was hating the leash. He had two collars that did nothing to do for a correction. It turned out he was late for his last set of shots (due on the 29th, then changed to the 14th) and they never even cancelled or went to the appointment.
Since then, he is a much happier and healthier dog. He got a check up and his claws cut at the vet's on the 13th. He will go to the door when he needs to pee or poo. He knows how to sit and stay. He is a ball of energy, and I have found 2 ways to expel this pent up energy. I actually jog with him, or take him to my Mom and Dad's to use their backyard. I also am doing the "doggy boot camp" the vet recommended. He is an attention seeker, and we are curbing his choices of how to get attention. He has run of the house when it is only me and/or TJ home. He is on leash when Thelma is here. He is on leash for a lot of the time when Sis is here. Today he actually stayed off leash when my Dad came to get TJ. Even in that excitement, he was calm and would sit when told. He even stayed out and about when TJ went full blown and I had to sit on the floor and pay most of my attention to TJ. We still have problems with walking and him wanting to follow every scent in the world, but things are getting better.
Since being in my home, he is a well behaved 5 month old boy. We go for 2-3 walks a day when the MIT is not home from school. We go threw the "doggie boot camp" training at least once a day. His treats are ice cubes in his water bowl, and cut up carrots. When he is calm and relaxed, he gets petted and scratched. When he breaks a rule, his is ignored for a little bit. He is learning quickly. He is a joy to have around.
Monday, December 06, 2010
Having a regret day
Today, all I feel is regret. Regret about how I have been living with myself the last couple of months.
I have been drinking a lot and have been lying about it. Every weekend I make excuses to myself about why it is ok for me to drink. Some weekends I don't. Most weekends I do. I drink enough to down a horse or more, but only end up staying awake, without a hang over to even make me think. I drink enough to get me to a point where I don't feel inhibited with flirting, especially with guys I wouldn't think would go home with me.
I have been having sex a lot, and unsafe (but not in the STD way) partners. I have been craving pain, and getting it from strangers. I have been finding those young ones that enjoy choking. I don't know how it happens, but it does. Last weekend, I brought home a 27 year old that enjoyed choking. I have been on an internet web site to get guys. I have ended up inviting guys I just talked to over, because I know we will have sex.
I have not been worried about my safety. I just don't care right now. I don't care if someone I pick-up will hurt me or kill me or rob me blind. I just don't care.
I have been drinking a lot and have been lying about it. Every weekend I make excuses to myself about why it is ok for me to drink. Some weekends I don't. Most weekends I do. I drink enough to down a horse or more, but only end up staying awake, without a hang over to even make me think. I drink enough to get me to a point where I don't feel inhibited with flirting, especially with guys I wouldn't think would go home with me.
I have been having sex a lot, and unsafe (but not in the STD way) partners. I have been craving pain, and getting it from strangers. I have been finding those young ones that enjoy choking. I don't know how it happens, but it does. Last weekend, I brought home a 27 year old that enjoyed choking. I have been on an internet web site to get guys. I have ended up inviting guys I just talked to over, because I know we will have sex.
I have not been worried about my safety. I just don't care right now. I don't care if someone I pick-up will hurt me or kill me or rob me blind. I just don't care.
Wednesday, December 01, 2010
December 1st and hoping for a better time than last year.
Last year, I started getting the symptoms, of what turned out to be, Conversion Disorder. The stress was so much, that my brain told my body to stop working properly. My brain wanted me to pay attention to the fact that I was stressed, and had reached my breaking point, without me going completely insane.
This year, things are different. This year I am in special therapy. This year, my family knows better. This year, I have a coping plan. This year, I actually feel relaxed about everything. This year, I am looking forward, and not backwards.
I am "dating" more. I am actually putting myself out there, to others. I am opening up about how I feel and not just trying to block it all. I am meditating more. I am "in the moment" more. I am just more. I like it.
Sure finances suck. Sure I have to cut back on who I can give gifts to, and how much I can spend. Sure I could use more help around the house. Really, none of these things are anything to loose my head over.
Today I am decorating my house for the season. My altar is all green and ready. I want to go out and get holly and mistletoe sprigs. I want to go and get my wreaths for my doors. I am ready to decorate limes, lemons, and oranges. I just want to enjoy this season, and just be one with it.
Today I am smiling
This year, things are different. This year I am in special therapy. This year, my family knows better. This year, I have a coping plan. This year, I actually feel relaxed about everything. This year, I am looking forward, and not backwards.
I am "dating" more. I am actually putting myself out there, to others. I am opening up about how I feel and not just trying to block it all. I am meditating more. I am "in the moment" more. I am just more. I like it.
Sure finances suck. Sure I have to cut back on who I can give gifts to, and how much I can spend. Sure I could use more help around the house. Really, none of these things are anything to loose my head over.
Today I am decorating my house for the season. My altar is all green and ready. I want to go out and get holly and mistletoe sprigs. I want to go and get my wreaths for my doors. I am ready to decorate limes, lemons, and oranges. I just want to enjoy this season, and just be one with it.
Today I am smiling
Monday, November 08, 2010
A month gone by....
Therapy is going well. I am getting along with the group and learning more and more skills. My individual therapy is also going well. Karen and I are now moving to the point where I get to experience an emotion, for a controlled amount of time, and discuss how it felt. It is hard getting used to opening myself up like that. Unlike with Sandy, I trust Karen to not let me get away with going "intellectual" when I need to be emotional.It seems I have mastered a number of the main skills. My favourite is One Mindfully. It is like meditating on what I am doing without any outward distractions. Even putting laundry away is different with this skill. Another is called Self Sooth. Having a bath with oils or bubbles. Doing my nails. Having a cup of tea. All these are self soothing things that can bring me back down to a peaceful space. I like learning this stuff. I didn't think I would, but I really am.
I am still seeing my puppy. He is fun. He is a distraction. He is safe. 
Samhain was nice. I hung bones in my tree. I did what I wanted to do. I served a good dinner. I am sad I celebrated alone. The MIT wasn't even here for it. I did it for me. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed preparing for the night. I enjoyed writing my regrets and burning them. I enjoyed forgiving myself, and letting things go. Tonight I can say that things are good. I am content.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
So....yeah....
Yes it has been a while. Things have been....different. I am not sure I like it all.
The DBT is bringing up emotions I am used to stuffing down in that dark space, where they can't come out and bother me. Now that they are coming out, I am having panic attacks. Lots of them. Normally, I would cut or drink or something to help stuff the emotions away. Promising not to do that anymore, means the feelings are exploding. So, I am picking the lesser of all the evils. I have been picking up men. I called that young pup from back in May that I liked. He came over and we had 2 great nights of sex. I haven't called him since.
Right now, I am good. I have closed off that part of me, and the emotions are no longer boiling over. I feel normal again.
The DBT is bringing up emotions I am used to stuffing down in that dark space, where they can't come out and bother me. Now that they are coming out, I am having panic attacks. Lots of them. Normally, I would cut or drink or something to help stuff the emotions away. Promising not to do that anymore, means the feelings are exploding. So, I am picking the lesser of all the evils. I have been picking up men. I called that young pup from back in May that I liked. He came over and we had 2 great nights of sex. I haven't called him since.
Right now, I am good. I have closed off that part of me, and the emotions are no longer boiling over. I feel normal again.
Wednesday, September 01, 2010
Panic and therapy
Today was therapy day. Therapy with Karen, and not Sandy. Friday I say goodbye to Sandy. Today was a day to go over what behaviour is life threatening, and that I really need to stop. We talked. I cried. I figured out how to fill out the daily diary cards. I found out the rules of the group. I left.
As I was leaving, I started to hyperventilate. I walked back to Karen's office. I cried, and hid in the corner. She ran and got me an ice pack. I couldn't breath. I couldn't pull it together. I couldn't even talk. I remember Karen asking me if I was having a flash back and me shaking my head. I remember her asking me if I was having a panic attack, and croaking out a "don't know". By the time she got back, I had gotten myself together enough to be able to talk. She told me to put the ice pack on my nose and mouth (a sensation change), and asked what I could see in the room, then what I could hear. I know the technique she was using. I know how to use it. For me, it is an avoidance. She said to use the word divergence.
So I made it home ok. Have been ok since. I didn't eat dinner. I just couldn't. I wasn't hungry. I did snack on TJ's dinner.
Tomorrow, my nurse comes to change my dressing. It is also the first day this week, without something to do all day. That will be fun. I already have a bunch of stuff listed that I want/need to get done.
OK, as you can see, I am still really shaken up. I can't seem to concentrate on anything. TV is oblivious. Sitting and just smoking seems to be all I can do. Thinking is out of the question. Hence why this post is so all over the place. Sorry about that. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
As I was leaving, I started to hyperventilate. I walked back to Karen's office. I cried, and hid in the corner. She ran and got me an ice pack. I couldn't breath. I couldn't pull it together. I couldn't even talk. I remember Karen asking me if I was having a flash back and me shaking my head. I remember her asking me if I was having a panic attack, and croaking out a "don't know". By the time she got back, I had gotten myself together enough to be able to talk. She told me to put the ice pack on my nose and mouth (a sensation change), and asked what I could see in the room, then what I could hear. I know the technique she was using. I know how to use it. For me, it is an avoidance. She said to use the word divergence.
So I made it home ok. Have been ok since. I didn't eat dinner. I just couldn't. I wasn't hungry. I did snack on TJ's dinner.
Tomorrow, my nurse comes to change my dressing. It is also the first day this week, without something to do all day. That will be fun. I already have a bunch of stuff listed that I want/need to get done.
OK, as you can see, I am still really shaken up. I can't seem to concentrate on anything. TV is oblivious. Sitting and just smoking seems to be all I can do. Thinking is out of the question. Hence why this post is so all over the place. Sorry about that. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Life goes on
Yesterday, I drove Joseph part way to the bus station, before he pissed me off even more, because he lied to me again.
Last weekend, I caught Joseph in a really big lie. Money related, manipulative, bald face lie. I gave him another chance. Saturday, he lied again. It was a stupid, little lie, but still a lie. One that cost me money again. Was totally disrespectful. I realized he wasn't worth my respect, time, love or anything. I told him to put on his shoes and that he was going home. On the way to the bus station, he said that it was my fault that TJ was going to be upset. That I was causing TJ pain because I was breaking up with Joseph. That was when I pulled over and kicked him out of the car, and didn't care how he got home at that point.
Today, I am proud of myself. I stood up for myself. I decided I deserve more than being lied to. I decided I deserve more than just someone who says they love me, verses someone that shows me they love and respect me. That is how much I have come to love myself. How much I like myself.
I cooked up a bunch of meat, and now have meals ready for over a week. I did go out and buy a cake, but came home and threw it out before having any. (Yay to not doing maladaptive behaviour!!!) I have gotten down to almost what I weighed when I got out of hospital back in March. I am going to keep going that way. It makes my back feel better when I am lighter. That and the prepared meals, and I am good to go.
I am proud of myself. I am happy. I don't need anyone else in my life, and am not going to look for it anymore. If someone falls into my lap, and they treat me the way I deserve, than maybe I will consider it. Until then, I am holding my head high.
Last weekend, I caught Joseph in a really big lie. Money related, manipulative, bald face lie. I gave him another chance. Saturday, he lied again. It was a stupid, little lie, but still a lie. One that cost me money again. Was totally disrespectful. I realized he wasn't worth my respect, time, love or anything. I told him to put on his shoes and that he was going home. On the way to the bus station, he said that it was my fault that TJ was going to be upset. That I was causing TJ pain because I was breaking up with Joseph. That was when I pulled over and kicked him out of the car, and didn't care how he got home at that point.
Today, I am proud of myself. I stood up for myself. I decided I deserve more than being lied to. I decided I deserve more than just someone who says they love me, verses someone that shows me they love and respect me. That is how much I have come to love myself. How much I like myself.
I cooked up a bunch of meat, and now have meals ready for over a week. I did go out and buy a cake, but came home and threw it out before having any. (Yay to not doing maladaptive behaviour!!!) I have gotten down to almost what I weighed when I got out of hospital back in March. I am going to keep going that way. It makes my back feel better when I am lighter. That and the prepared meals, and I am good to go.
I am proud of myself. I am happy. I don't need anyone else in my life, and am not going to look for it anymore. If someone falls into my lap, and they treat me the way I deserve, than maybe I will consider it. Until then, I am holding my head high.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
On the day and on time
Today was not such a good day. So many things were happening. Most were just in my head. Doesn't matter, it was still too much.
TJ was full blown most of today. That is stressful enough. Add in his shallow breathing, and his not having any "grownup" doctors and not knowing what hospital they would take him to, if I had to call 911. Add not having guardianship. Add dishes filling my sink. Add financial stuff. All equals an overwhelmed me.
I called my Mom for help, when I was at my worst. Problem is, I haven't gotten much better. I didn't do any of the yucky behaviour. I even turned away food (food I shouldn't have). Even now, I am feeling like nothing is going right. Just feel like everything, and I mean everything, is on my shoulders.
Right now I am sitting here, crying for no reason. Crying because...hell, I don't even know why. Just plain crying. I guess it is a buildup of emotions that I have no control over. Maybe I shouldn't have any control over them. Maybe I should just let them out. Maybe that will help.
Doesn't matter now. Time to go to bed.
TJ was full blown most of today. That is stressful enough. Add in his shallow breathing, and his not having any "grownup" doctors and not knowing what hospital they would take him to, if I had to call 911. Add not having guardianship. Add dishes filling my sink. Add financial stuff. All equals an overwhelmed me.
I called my Mom for help, when I was at my worst. Problem is, I haven't gotten much better. I didn't do any of the yucky behaviour. I even turned away food (food I shouldn't have). Even now, I am feeling like nothing is going right. Just feel like everything, and I mean everything, is on my shoulders.
Right now I am sitting here, crying for no reason. Crying because...hell, I don't even know why. Just plain crying. I guess it is a buildup of emotions that I have no control over. Maybe I shouldn't have any control over them. Maybe I should just let them out. Maybe that will help.
Doesn't matter now. Time to go to bed.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Tuesday roundup
So yesterday was a good day. TJ and I spent some quality time together. I didn't hear from Joseph, so I knew something was wrong. I gave myself a pampering by sitting out back, music blaring while reading my book. I am actually happy.
It has been a good week actually. Less frustration. Less back pain. Less maladaptive behaviour. Good all around good week. I keep living each moment at a time.It is as if, since meeting with the DBT therapist, I have been really conscious about my actions. Especially where TJ and Joseph are concerned.
With TJ, it is a big daily change. No yelling at him. I breath when I get frustrated. I turn my frustration into jokes or compromises. I take the time to sit and talk with him. We sit quietly watching shows and then talking during the commercials.
With Joseph, it is about communication. I talk about how I feel when he doesn't call me during the day. How I feel like he forgets about me, or is scared of talking to me when things go too good or too bad. I hear him when he tells me stuff, and have yet to pull the "It is your fault for not saying anything", instead of taking responsibility for my actions.
With family, I am still struggling. Karen and I had talked about "radically accepting" the fact that Cindy and TJ communicate in a weird, kind of bickering, way. Mom and TJ are no better. Thelma is also one I need to act that way with. I can't change how they all act towards one another. It is not my job to fix them, so I need to let it go. I am still learning. At least I haven't done anything to harm myself or my relationships.
I am keeping my altar nice. I still haven't written in my BOS. I haven't really done any meditation, or candle work or anything. My beliefs are always in my mind, but I can't seem to bring myself to practice, or pray even. It is like I can only concentrate on one thing at a time. Right now it is about getting better. Getting the tools to keep myself sane and out of the hospital.
Joseph and I are doing well. We have hit the 2 month mark (actually we hit if on Sunday). We love each other and are learning more and more about each other each day. We are each working on this relationship AS a relationship, and not just dating. We are taking the time to hear each other out. We are accepting each other's faults, and even music. We are taking care of each other. Me teaching him about his finances, and him helping me stay on my meal plan. The amount of food he leaves cooked when he leaves is astounding. this is a give and take relationship, not a give and give or take and take relationship.
So today, I am happy, TJ is happy, and Joseph is happy. Things are good. I am smiling.
It has been a good week actually. Less frustration. Less back pain. Less maladaptive behaviour. Good all around good week. I keep living each moment at a time.It is as if, since meeting with the DBT therapist, I have been really conscious about my actions. Especially where TJ and Joseph are concerned.
With TJ, it is a big daily change. No yelling at him. I breath when I get frustrated. I turn my frustration into jokes or compromises. I take the time to sit and talk with him. We sit quietly watching shows and then talking during the commercials.
With Joseph, it is about communication. I talk about how I feel when he doesn't call me during the day. How I feel like he forgets about me, or is scared of talking to me when things go too good or too bad. I hear him when he tells me stuff, and have yet to pull the "It is your fault for not saying anything", instead of taking responsibility for my actions.
With family, I am still struggling. Karen and I had talked about "radically accepting" the fact that Cindy and TJ communicate in a weird, kind of bickering, way. Mom and TJ are no better. Thelma is also one I need to act that way with. I can't change how they all act towards one another. It is not my job to fix them, so I need to let it go. I am still learning. At least I haven't done anything to harm myself or my relationships.
I am keeping my altar nice. I still haven't written in my BOS. I haven't really done any meditation, or candle work or anything. My beliefs are always in my mind, but I can't seem to bring myself to practice, or pray even. It is like I can only concentrate on one thing at a time. Right now it is about getting better. Getting the tools to keep myself sane and out of the hospital.
Joseph and I are doing well. We have hit the 2 month mark (actually we hit if on Sunday). We love each other and are learning more and more about each other each day. We are each working on this relationship AS a relationship, and not just dating. We are taking the time to hear each other out. We are accepting each other's faults, and even music. We are taking care of each other. Me teaching him about his finances, and him helping me stay on my meal plan. The amount of food he leaves cooked when he leaves is astounding. this is a give and take relationship, not a give and give or take and take relationship.
So today, I am happy, TJ is happy, and Joseph is happy. Things are good. I am smiling.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Skipped a day and the rest of the weekend
Friday was good, and not so good. Good was the way TJ and I interacted and played and joked and just enjoyed each other. Good was Joseph coming for the weekend, eating home BBQed ribs and going for a drive.
Not so good was telling Sandy what happened to me when I was around 17 years old. It had been my homework from Karen. I did as I was asked. I got lost in time as I was talking to Sandy. I did a lot of talking and crying. Sandy got into the "why" I would have felt like I did. How could I answer that? I still don't know why I thought I deserved to be treated so badly or why I still question if I deserve to be treated nicely. I couldn't answer all that. I wanted to just run away after telling her all about it. I felt shame and yucky.
What I am proud of is I didn't do any of the maladaptive behaviour. I did not yell at TJ at all. I did not take any extra meds. I did not stuff my face with chocolate. I did not do anything that would hurt me in any way. I am very proud of myself that I found other ways to deal with the panic and stress I was feeling. Heck, I even watched Dr. Oz. I never watch that show. Guess what they were talking about. Stress.
Over all, Friday was good. One little blip, but that will turn out good soon too. For the rest of the weekend, I am going to be spending time with Joseph and relaxing and enjoying being cooked for, and having the dishes done.
We are off for a drive. Bye until Sunday night.
Not so good was telling Sandy what happened to me when I was around 17 years old. It had been my homework from Karen. I did as I was asked. I got lost in time as I was talking to Sandy. I did a lot of talking and crying. Sandy got into the "why" I would have felt like I did. How could I answer that? I still don't know why I thought I deserved to be treated so badly or why I still question if I deserve to be treated nicely. I couldn't answer all that. I wanted to just run away after telling her all about it. I felt shame and yucky.
What I am proud of is I didn't do any of the maladaptive behaviour. I did not yell at TJ at all. I did not take any extra meds. I did not stuff my face with chocolate. I did not do anything that would hurt me in any way. I am very proud of myself that I found other ways to deal with the panic and stress I was feeling. Heck, I even watched Dr. Oz. I never watch that show. Guess what they were talking about. Stress.
Over all, Friday was good. One little blip, but that will turn out good soon too. For the rest of the weekend, I am going to be spending time with Joseph and relaxing and enjoying being cooked for, and having the dishes done.
We are off for a drive. Bye until Sunday night.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Plodding forward
TJ and I have had a good day. We watched TV. We had cuddle time. We told each other jokes. It was a nice day together. Right now he is at karate. Quiet time for me. The nurse will be here when he returns. She will take care of giving him a bath and such. I guess I should be happy and relaxing, but NOPE. Instead I am antsy.
I am having a hard time just even sitting here is difficult. Concentrating on typing this is difficult (this bit should be part of my therapy and how I am doing section LOL). I don't want to curl up and relax. I don't want to go out back and read with candles and relax. I keep wanting to move and pace and just feel jittery. I guess it is time to invoke some of my little DBT training. Also, I should write how I am feeling for tomorrow when I meet up with Karen.
Joseph has called twice. He can be so cute. Today he wanted to hear he was right. Right about something called the OST. He was, and I admitted it. He also called to let me know I was right about something. It is really cute the way we act. If this was someone else's relationship, I would be saying that the way we are acting was so sweet it was giving me a tooth ache.
I didn't get to writing down my Beltane ritual. I guess I have been feeling this way more than just now. I just couldn't sit down and do it. I got out my BOS. I lit some candles. I just couldn't put pen to paper. Tonight is not the night to do it. Not unless I can calm myself down.
Off to try to calm down. Find a settled down place in side myself. Time to use ACCEPTS. Time to do the dishes. Time to find a way to settle.
I am having a hard time just even sitting here is difficult. Concentrating on typing this is difficult (this bit should be part of my therapy and how I am doing section LOL). I don't want to curl up and relax. I don't want to go out back and read with candles and relax. I keep wanting to move and pace and just feel jittery. I guess it is time to invoke some of my little DBT training. Also, I should write how I am feeling for tomorrow when I meet up with Karen.
Joseph has called twice. He can be so cute. Today he wanted to hear he was right. Right about something called the OST. He was, and I admitted it. He also called to let me know I was right about something. It is really cute the way we act. If this was someone else's relationship, I would be saying that the way we are acting was so sweet it was giving me a tooth ache.
I didn't get to writing down my Beltane ritual. I guess I have been feeling this way more than just now. I just couldn't sit down and do it. I got out my BOS. I lit some candles. I just couldn't put pen to paper. Tonight is not the night to do it. Not unless I can calm myself down.
Off to try to calm down. Find a settled down place in side myself. Time to use ACCEPTS. Time to do the dishes. Time to find a way to settle.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Happy Early Morning
He is asleep in my bed. I am up because of heartburn. I am too happy to go to sleep. I am just plain happy.
I got a late anniversary gift on Friday. It is a ring. A simple silver band. Some might call it a wedding band, as that is its style. He says it is a "for right now" ring. For me, it is so much. For the two of us, it is a promise. Not of marriage. Not of moving in together. A promise to take one day at a time, and hope it turns into a lifetime.
He calls me BooBoo or Honey Boo or just plain Baby. I call him Shnookums or Nemo. I have never called someone by a pet name before. Well, not unless you call Sir or Master a pet name.
This weekend, we have gone to St. Jacobs and got smoked pork chops. We BBQ together. We played Crazy Eights. We played Rummy. We watched some golf. We sat outside on the back patio and talked and had dinner. We snuggled on the couch with no noise. We did dishes together. We had sex. Lots and lots of sex. We talked about how it isn't all about him, and how it isn't all about me. We talked about how it is about us. We talked silly. We talked serious. We sat in silence. He napped and I read. We have done a lot with very little.
Neither of us want him to leave tonight. That isn't a choice right now. Not until he meets the MIT. He isn't ready for that. He wants us to be very solid before that happens. I agree with him. The MIT is getting used to the idea. He isn't liking it to much, but he is getting used to it. He is getting used to the idea that I have someone in my life. He doesn't like it very much. He wants me all to himself, but is getting used to the idea that Mom has a boyfriend.
I am happy. I am in love. I feel safe around Joseph. I feel special with Joseph. He worries about me eating, so he cooks for me. He worries about my taking my meds, and will sometimes remind me. He worries I don't eat well when he isn't here. He smiles when he is here. He can't stay in a bad Toronto mood very long after he gets here. He can be so goofy at times. I love him.
So welcome to a new chapter in my travels. I have woken up, and am moving forward. I am enjoying this leg of my journey.
I got a late anniversary gift on Friday. It is a ring. A simple silver band. Some might call it a wedding band, as that is its style. He says it is a "for right now" ring. For me, it is so much. For the two of us, it is a promise. Not of marriage. Not of moving in together. A promise to take one day at a time, and hope it turns into a lifetime.
He calls me BooBoo or Honey Boo or just plain Baby. I call him Shnookums or Nemo. I have never called someone by a pet name before. Well, not unless you call Sir or Master a pet name.
This weekend, we have gone to St. Jacobs and got smoked pork chops. We BBQ together. We played Crazy Eights. We played Rummy. We watched some golf. We sat outside on the back patio and talked and had dinner. We snuggled on the couch with no noise. We did dishes together. We had sex. Lots and lots of sex. We talked about how it isn't all about him, and how it isn't all about me. We talked about how it is about us. We talked silly. We talked serious. We sat in silence. He napped and I read. We have done a lot with very little.
Neither of us want him to leave tonight. That isn't a choice right now. Not until he meets the MIT. He isn't ready for that. He wants us to be very solid before that happens. I agree with him. The MIT is getting used to the idea. He isn't liking it to much, but he is getting used to it. He is getting used to the idea that I have someone in my life. He doesn't like it very much. He wants me all to himself, but is getting used to the idea that Mom has a boyfriend.
I am happy. I am in love. I feel safe around Joseph. I feel special with Joseph. He worries about me eating, so he cooks for me. He worries about my taking my meds, and will sometimes remind me. He worries I don't eat well when he isn't here. He smiles when he is here. He can't stay in a bad Toronto mood very long after he gets here. He can be so goofy at times. I love him.
So welcome to a new chapter in my travels. I have woken up, and am moving forward. I am enjoying this leg of my journey.
Tuesday, April 06, 2010
Decissions and letting go
When i was in the hospital, one of the things i had to learn, was how to let go of things i had no control over. The MIT having His abuser attend His church. People i couldn't fix. My friends father's illness. i am still learning that lesson.
i need to get guardianship over my son. If i was to do it, He would end up with a public guardian. Someone who doesn't know Him and someone i don't know. My parents made the decision that we are going to get a lawyer involved, so He won't get a public guardian. So now, instead of looking over paperwork, filling out forms, stressing over what will happen next, i can just sit back, do as i am told and let it go from there. Some might say i am avoiding the responsibility of doing all the work, but i am not. i still stress over not getting the guardianship in time for a medical emergency. i still stress over the cost of the lawyer. i have learned to let go of things i have no control over. Mom and Dad offering to pay for the lawyer, just means i can let go of stressing over the other things. It is good.
i have decided to go to the "Intensive DBT" training. This means i loose my therapist Sandy. i have been seeing Sandy for almost 4 years. i started seeing her 4 months after Mike died. She and i work well together. Yes i will get a new therapist, but they won't know me. They won't know all the old shit i still have to deal with. They will be concentrating over the new shit and what is called "maladaptive behaviour". What i do when the bad shit rears its ugly head and how i "cope". i only made the decision after making sure i could go back to Sandy once the year is over, and i don't loose her while i am on the waiting list. We decided together, but i made the final call. So yes, i am loosing a great resource and support, but am going to be gaining techniques to deal with everyday stuff.
i have been walking almost every day. Last night i even just did laps around my survey because the MIT was alone in the house and i had to stay close by. It helps stop my over eating. It makes me feel good. It is helping my stomach shrink. i just have to remember to do it, no matter how i really feel at the moment i am supposed to be doing it. Also, i have a plan for each day of what i need to get done, and when to do it. Mornings are for cleaning or shopping or both, and afternoons are for the walk. An extra walk when i am find myself bored or have the munchies is also added to the schedule. Oh, and i also have allotted time to just sit with a cup of tea (i got my order from Steeped Teas) and read a book. It helps keep my mind busy and gives me an excuse to walk to the library every day.
So that is my update. i have made some good decisions, and have learned that letting go can be less stressful, but not stressless. Go ME!!!
i need to get guardianship over my son. If i was to do it, He would end up with a public guardian. Someone who doesn't know Him and someone i don't know. My parents made the decision that we are going to get a lawyer involved, so He won't get a public guardian. So now, instead of looking over paperwork, filling out forms, stressing over what will happen next, i can just sit back, do as i am told and let it go from there. Some might say i am avoiding the responsibility of doing all the work, but i am not. i still stress over not getting the guardianship in time for a medical emergency. i still stress over the cost of the lawyer. i have learned to let go of things i have no control over. Mom and Dad offering to pay for the lawyer, just means i can let go of stressing over the other things. It is good.
i have decided to go to the "Intensive DBT" training. This means i loose my therapist Sandy. i have been seeing Sandy for almost 4 years. i started seeing her 4 months after Mike died. She and i work well together. Yes i will get a new therapist, but they won't know me. They won't know all the old shit i still have to deal with. They will be concentrating over the new shit and what is called "maladaptive behaviour". What i do when the bad shit rears its ugly head and how i "cope". i only made the decision after making sure i could go back to Sandy once the year is over, and i don't loose her while i am on the waiting list. We decided together, but i made the final call. So yes, i am loosing a great resource and support, but am going to be gaining techniques to deal with everyday stuff.
i have been walking almost every day. Last night i even just did laps around my survey because the MIT was alone in the house and i had to stay close by. It helps stop my over eating. It makes me feel good. It is helping my stomach shrink. i just have to remember to do it, no matter how i really feel at the moment i am supposed to be doing it. Also, i have a plan for each day of what i need to get done, and when to do it. Mornings are for cleaning or shopping or both, and afternoons are for the walk. An extra walk when i am find myself bored or have the munchies is also added to the schedule. Oh, and i also have allotted time to just sit with a cup of tea (i got my order from Steeped Teas) and read a book. It helps keep my mind busy and gives me an excuse to walk to the library every day.
So that is my update. i have made some good decisions, and have learned that letting go can be less stressful, but not stressless. Go ME!!!
Friday, March 12, 2010
Awake and pondering
i have turned my feelings off again. i know i have. Things that have happened, that i should have an emotional reaction to, i just haven't. Instead, i just get rational.
In DBT, there is rational mind, emotional mind and wise mind. Rational mind is where the facts are. It is where the fact that the MIT bit me stays. It is where the fact that He asked for adivan stays. It is the fact where He has a week of 8 o'clock bedtimes stays.
Emotional mind is where your emotions dictate a response. i know i should feel some anger. i should feel some form of emotional hurt. i know i should feel something. Heck, i even know i have had an emotional reaction. i ate way to much and went to bed to forget it ever happened. i just don't feel any of it.
While in the hospital, i could touch on feeling like a bad mom, hatred towards Him, anger at His actions, and even fear for what He could do to me. Here, none of that happens.
Today is therapy day. i don't know how that will go. i don't know if Sandy will want to continue being my therapist. i don't know if she can help me feel. This i can feel about. This makes me scared, and has woken me so early in the day. This had me tossing and turning all night. This i can feel. Nothing pertaining to the MIT. Just this.
Oh yeah, i have made a decision. i am no longer hooking the MIT up to His monitor. i need the sleep. Instead, i go to bed thinking about what His death will be like, what i will have written in the news paper, what i will email to friends, and what the service will be like. Again, no feeling, just facts.
Why am i so broken?
In DBT, there is rational mind, emotional mind and wise mind. Rational mind is where the facts are. It is where the fact that the MIT bit me stays. It is where the fact that He asked for adivan stays. It is the fact where He has a week of 8 o'clock bedtimes stays.
Emotional mind is where your emotions dictate a response. i know i should feel some anger. i should feel some form of emotional hurt. i know i should feel something. Heck, i even know i have had an emotional reaction. i ate way to much and went to bed to forget it ever happened. i just don't feel any of it.
While in the hospital, i could touch on feeling like a bad mom, hatred towards Him, anger at His actions, and even fear for what He could do to me. Here, none of that happens.
Today is therapy day. i don't know how that will go. i don't know if Sandy will want to continue being my therapist. i don't know if she can help me feel. This i can feel about. This makes me scared, and has woken me so early in the day. This had me tossing and turning all night. This i can feel. Nothing pertaining to the MIT. Just this.
Oh yeah, i have made a decision. i am no longer hooking the MIT up to His monitor. i need the sleep. Instead, i go to bed thinking about what His death will be like, what i will have written in the news paper, what i will email to friends, and what the service will be like. Again, no feeling, just facts.
Why am i so broken?
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
Here, but not here
i know i have been sounding kind of chipper lately, and i am, in a way. i am also not wanting to isolate myself. i am not wanting to hide under my rock. i am just not in the mood for certain things right now.
Sitting at the computer playing games just isn't in my blood right now. i just don't feel the pull to it. Sitting on the couch, and reading the paper, or sitting on my bed and colouring, those are things i want to do. Going for a drive and finding a nice place to walk around would be great.
Today my mind is on camping. It is Wednesday. i really want to go on Friday. i can't afford it though. It is very likely i won't be able to go. Instead i will just be home alone. No fire. No birds flying around me. No squirrels chasing each other around. No quiet skies full of stars. No sound of wood burning. No shivering as i sit around the fire. Damn i want to go really bad.
i haven't done my decorating yet. i fell more like sitting and doing nothing. Pouting about this weekend.
Sitting at the computer playing games just isn't in my blood right now. i just don't feel the pull to it. Sitting on the couch, and reading the paper, or sitting on my bed and colouring, those are things i want to do. Going for a drive and finding a nice place to walk around would be great.
Today my mind is on camping. It is Wednesday. i really want to go on Friday. i can't afford it though. It is very likely i won't be able to go. Instead i will just be home alone. No fire. No birds flying around me. No squirrels chasing each other around. No quiet skies full of stars. No sound of wood burning. No shivering as i sit around the fire. Damn i want to go really bad.
i haven't done my decorating yet. i fell more like sitting and doing nothing. Pouting about this weekend.