That is how I have been feeling lately. Like I am hanging by a thread, and more and more weight is pulling, and pulling me to the point where I just can't hold on any longer.
First it was TJ in emergency. Second was Charlie getting neutered. Third was Charlie eating the razor. Forth was TJ's change in his room (will talk about this) Fifth was TJ not eating (will talk about this). Sixth was the washing machine breaking. Seventh was the van needing making grinding noises when breaking (will talk about this also). Eighth was the van going in and the estimate for that (will talk about). Ninth was Dad "fixing" my washing machine (will talk about). Tenth is my Mom yelling at me at every turn.
So, on the 16th, Mom and Dad came over and put a new TV in TJ's room. That should have been no big deal. The big deal was that Dad needed my help to install the TV and digital cable box. It just wouldn't work. Add Mom being bossy, Charlie needing help, and TJ watching "on demand" all at the same time, and me feeling like I being pulled in so many directions. I had to actually yell about someone taking Charlie out of the house for a short bit, so I could actually help Dad.
On the 17th (and partly the 16th) TJ decided that his stomach hurt / was upset and he couldn't eat. He was still drinking, but wouldn't eat anything. It was thought that he gave eating up for lent, but that wasn't really what happened. He has stopped telling us when his head is hurting, because none of me medications he can take, help his head. Going along with this, migraines make his stomach yucky. Tuesday I was really scared. Kept TJ home Wednesday (the 23, turned out to be a snow day) so I could take him to the doctor's. That was a flop, so I kept him home on Thursday (24) and was able to get him seen. The doctor gave him Boost. I have convinced TJ that Boost is a medicine lie what they gave Charlie after his surgery, to coat the stomach, and make it feel better. Since drinking the first bottle Thursday at lunch, TJ has had pizza Thursday night, oatmeal and hot chocolate Friday morning, his second dose of Boost and pizza for lunch on Friday, and pigged out at my Nana's house. So I am feeling much better about all that.
Wednesday (the 23) morning I put a load in the washing machine, and it broke. The agitator stopped. I told my parents. Dad decided he wanted to come over and fix it. So I now have TJ home from school, and Dad here, along with caring for Charlie. TJ is settled in his room, so he isn't a problem, but Charlie still needs to stay out of Dad's way, and be kept happy. Eventually, Dad figures out the part that is the problem (4 hours later) and so we clean up the kitchen so Charlie can run free, but TJ is still home and the nurse is supposed to be here, so I can take Charlie out for a walk. Nurse cancels, because she has had a car accident. I get yelled at Mom for not being nice to Dad, and then hung up on when Mom doesn't like that I put the phone to Dad's ear to tell her I have been nice, and I am stressed. No walk for Charlie or for me. Hanging by a thread.
Thursday I am supposed to see Karen. Instead, that is the time I can take TJ in to see the doctor. Doctor gives us the magic Boost. I call Karen to cancel, and start crying on the phone because everything is feeling like a weight on me. Take TJ to the doctor. Solve the eating problem because I am still able to manipulate TJ, and then Dad takes my van in to get an estimate. I give him the instructions on what ODSP needs if they are going to help pay for the repairs. 3 hours later, Dad finally goes and picks-up the van, and brings back a copy of the fax they sent. It doesn't have my name on it. That has to be on it for ODSP to consider it. Call ODSP, then call Ford back, and have them re-fax the estimate.
Today (Friday 25), TJ goes to school and me more relaxed because he ate breakfast. I have a dentist appointment, go and then come home. Dad now comes over to fix the washing machine. This kills my schedule with Charlie, and means Charlie is on leash in the house. Dad takes from 1:30 - 4:30 to get the job done, but while working on it, another part falls out, and Dad gets hurt. Mom calls I am frustrated because it feels like the washer won't get fixed and is actually getting worse. She calls and starts yelling at me. TJ comes home. Mom calls again, talks to TJ, asks to talk to me, yells at me and I hang up. Mom comes to pick-up TJ and tells me how frustrated she was when she was yelling at me, and I explain how frustrated I was when she was yelling at me, and Dad says we are all done with it, and Mom walks away saying "I don't think so".
Dad comforts me. The washer is working (then we find 2 screws - don't ask). He leaves, and I run a load through the machine. Charlie and I have dinner, and then we lie down on my bed and fall asleep. TJ comes home early from karate (I didn't answer the phone when Mom called to let me know this is happening). I put Charlie in his crate (since it is crate time) and stay lying in bed until 10:45 when I finally put TJ to bed.
And so now, I am awake. I will be heading back to bed soon. I need to make sure I am ok for taking Charlie over to Mom and Dad's for play time tomorrow.
The good news is, I have not done any problem behaviour. I have really wanted to. I mean, really, really want to. Even right now, I would love to cut. I would love to just take enough pills to not wake-up tomorrow. I would even add booze to the pills. I am not doing this. I am sleeping a lot (not a good thing) but I am not doing any problem behaviour. Karen says that is a good thing. I have also been effective during all of this. I have called ODSP about the van. I have taken TJ to the doctor. I have hit or killed anyone. My washer is fixed. TJ is "fixed". Soon the van will be fixed. I guess that means the DBT therapy is working. I hate that I am crying so much. I hate that I can't just push my feelings aside and become that robot I used to be. It feels like it makes my thread a little thinner.
Thelma is scheduled to come tomorrow.
Earth day is tomorrow, and I intend to celebrate it the same way I always do. Candles and a fire out back. Maybe that will help me to relax and start to feel normal again.
Showing posts with label Anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Anxiety. Show all posts
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Control / Perfection issues
So I am still having problems walking Charlie. I am so frustrated, I have made calls to different trainers. They all cost hundreds of dollars. I can't afford that, so I keep trudging along hoping I am doing ok at this. In the house, he has calmed so much, and I have full control. Outside, in the front and beyond, not the same story.
I talked to my Mom about this. She reminded me of how I was obsessed with making sure I was a perfect Mom to TJ. That I didn't (and still don't) want to be what most people see as a single Mother. What most people see as a mother of a disabled child. That I have to appear perfect. That if he acted out in public, I was horrified. I felt like (and still do) a really bad mother, and what everyone thinks of, when they hear about a single mom.
She is right. I want to be perfect at this. I want his life (Charlie's) and TJ's life to be what they deserve. They deserve to be happy and to not show any form of contention. I don't like hearing from others how to raise either of them. I don't like hearing how I need to just be me and back off a little. I don't like hearing how they would do it, if it was them.
I don't like hearing it, because they have no idea what it is like to be in my shoes. They have no idea how hard it is to balance (with TJ) a sense of perfection, and a sense of self. They have no idea how hard it is to get a puggle to walk on a leash with a bad back from lifting and moving TJ around. They all just have no idea.
Add to that, my insane need to be perfect and in control. Yes Charlie has come a long way from where he was when he first got here, but I feel like he should be walking so much better on a leash. The fact that I saw a boy about 10 years old, walking a puppy without any problems, doesn't help.
I hate doubting myself, but that is where I am again tonight. Full of doubt, and looking for control and perfection.
I talked to my Mom about this. She reminded me of how I was obsessed with making sure I was a perfect Mom to TJ. That I didn't (and still don't) want to be what most people see as a single Mother. What most people see as a mother of a disabled child. That I have to appear perfect. That if he acted out in public, I was horrified. I felt like (and still do) a really bad mother, and what everyone thinks of, when they hear about a single mom.
She is right. I want to be perfect at this. I want his life (Charlie's) and TJ's life to be what they deserve. They deserve to be happy and to not show any form of contention. I don't like hearing from others how to raise either of them. I don't like hearing how I need to just be me and back off a little. I don't like hearing how they would do it, if it was them.
I don't like hearing it, because they have no idea what it is like to be in my shoes. They have no idea how hard it is to balance (with TJ) a sense of perfection, and a sense of self. They have no idea how hard it is to get a puggle to walk on a leash with a bad back from lifting and moving TJ around. They all just have no idea.
Add to that, my insane need to be perfect and in control. Yes Charlie has come a long way from where he was when he first got here, but I feel like he should be walking so much better on a leash. The fact that I saw a boy about 10 years old, walking a puppy without any problems, doesn't help.
I hate doubting myself, but that is where I am again tonight. Full of doubt, and looking for control and perfection.
Wednesday, September 01, 2010
Panic and therapy
Today was therapy day. Therapy with Karen, and not Sandy. Friday I say goodbye to Sandy. Today was a day to go over what behaviour is life threatening, and that I really need to stop. We talked. I cried. I figured out how to fill out the daily diary cards. I found out the rules of the group. I left.
As I was leaving, I started to hyperventilate. I walked back to Karen's office. I cried, and hid in the corner. She ran and got me an ice pack. I couldn't breath. I couldn't pull it together. I couldn't even talk. I remember Karen asking me if I was having a flash back and me shaking my head. I remember her asking me if I was having a panic attack, and croaking out a "don't know". By the time she got back, I had gotten myself together enough to be able to talk. She told me to put the ice pack on my nose and mouth (a sensation change), and asked what I could see in the room, then what I could hear. I know the technique she was using. I know how to use it. For me, it is an avoidance. She said to use the word divergence.
So I made it home ok. Have been ok since. I didn't eat dinner. I just couldn't. I wasn't hungry. I did snack on TJ's dinner.
Tomorrow, my nurse comes to change my dressing. It is also the first day this week, without something to do all day. That will be fun. I already have a bunch of stuff listed that I want/need to get done.
OK, as you can see, I am still really shaken up. I can't seem to concentrate on anything. TV is oblivious. Sitting and just smoking seems to be all I can do. Thinking is out of the question. Hence why this post is so all over the place. Sorry about that. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
As I was leaving, I started to hyperventilate. I walked back to Karen's office. I cried, and hid in the corner. She ran and got me an ice pack. I couldn't breath. I couldn't pull it together. I couldn't even talk. I remember Karen asking me if I was having a flash back and me shaking my head. I remember her asking me if I was having a panic attack, and croaking out a "don't know". By the time she got back, I had gotten myself together enough to be able to talk. She told me to put the ice pack on my nose and mouth (a sensation change), and asked what I could see in the room, then what I could hear. I know the technique she was using. I know how to use it. For me, it is an avoidance. She said to use the word divergence.
So I made it home ok. Have been ok since. I didn't eat dinner. I just couldn't. I wasn't hungry. I did snack on TJ's dinner.
Tomorrow, my nurse comes to change my dressing. It is also the first day this week, without something to do all day. That will be fun. I already have a bunch of stuff listed that I want/need to get done.
OK, as you can see, I am still really shaken up. I can't seem to concentrate on anything. TV is oblivious. Sitting and just smoking seems to be all I can do. Thinking is out of the question. Hence why this post is so all over the place. Sorry about that. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Monday, August 30, 2010
ER visit, and tomorrow
Tonight, I had to go to the ER. I spiked a fever today, and ended up ignoring TJ and slept most of the day. When I was finally ok enough to get up and moving, I fed TJ and myself, called the doctor on call, and then headed to the hospital.
The cyst I had (my second in 2 weeks and third in 2 months) turned into an abses. Yuck. Yuck and painful. I wasn't at the hospital too long, and they took good care of me. Considering how nervous I am about tomorrow, I think my body gave me something to worry about instead of the morning.
Tomorrow is my first group DBT session. The fist one out of 52. I am really really scared. OK, scared is not the right answer. Nervous. Very nervous. I have no idea what to expect. I know there will be a mindfulness exercise first. I know how to "act" with that. It is the rest of the stuff I am nervous about. The new people. How many people.
With the pain distracting me, I think I will have enough to keep my mind more calm tomorrow.
I have also started reading my Wicca books again. I know parts of the therapy include beliefs in a "higher power" and it is time I get back in touch with mine. So, reading, and walking barefoot in my backyard, at any time in the day, are my starter points.
Time to go to bed so I am up to my best, as much of my best I can be,
The cyst I had (my second in 2 weeks and third in 2 months) turned into an abses. Yuck. Yuck and painful. I wasn't at the hospital too long, and they took good care of me. Considering how nervous I am about tomorrow, I think my body gave me something to worry about instead of the morning.
Tomorrow is my first group DBT session. The fist one out of 52. I am really really scared. OK, scared is not the right answer. Nervous. Very nervous. I have no idea what to expect. I know there will be a mindfulness exercise first. I know how to "act" with that. It is the rest of the stuff I am nervous about. The new people. How many people.
With the pain distracting me, I think I will have enough to keep my mind more calm tomorrow.
I have also started reading my Wicca books again. I know parts of the therapy include beliefs in a "higher power" and it is time I get back in touch with mine. So, reading, and walking barefoot in my backyard, at any time in the day, are my starter points.
Time to go to bed so I am up to my best, as much of my best I can be,
Thursday, August 19, 2010
On the day and on time
Today was not such a good day. So many things were happening. Most were just in my head. Doesn't matter, it was still too much.
TJ was full blown most of today. That is stressful enough. Add in his shallow breathing, and his not having any "grownup" doctors and not knowing what hospital they would take him to, if I had to call 911. Add not having guardianship. Add dishes filling my sink. Add financial stuff. All equals an overwhelmed me.
I called my Mom for help, when I was at my worst. Problem is, I haven't gotten much better. I didn't do any of the yucky behaviour. I even turned away food (food I shouldn't have). Even now, I am feeling like nothing is going right. Just feel like everything, and I mean everything, is on my shoulders.
Right now I am sitting here, crying for no reason. Crying because...hell, I don't even know why. Just plain crying. I guess it is a buildup of emotions that I have no control over. Maybe I shouldn't have any control over them. Maybe I should just let them out. Maybe that will help.
Doesn't matter now. Time to go to bed.
TJ was full blown most of today. That is stressful enough. Add in his shallow breathing, and his not having any "grownup" doctors and not knowing what hospital they would take him to, if I had to call 911. Add not having guardianship. Add dishes filling my sink. Add financial stuff. All equals an overwhelmed me.
I called my Mom for help, when I was at my worst. Problem is, I haven't gotten much better. I didn't do any of the yucky behaviour. I even turned away food (food I shouldn't have). Even now, I am feeling like nothing is going right. Just feel like everything, and I mean everything, is on my shoulders.
Right now I am sitting here, crying for no reason. Crying because...hell, I don't even know why. Just plain crying. I guess it is a buildup of emotions that I have no control over. Maybe I shouldn't have any control over them. Maybe I should just let them out. Maybe that will help.
Doesn't matter now. Time to go to bed.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Skipped a day and the rest of the weekend
Friday was good, and not so good. Good was the way TJ and I interacted and played and joked and just enjoyed each other. Good was Joseph coming for the weekend, eating home BBQed ribs and going for a drive.
Not so good was telling Sandy what happened to me when I was around 17 years old. It had been my homework from Karen. I did as I was asked. I got lost in time as I was talking to Sandy. I did a lot of talking and crying. Sandy got into the "why" I would have felt like I did. How could I answer that? I still don't know why I thought I deserved to be treated so badly or why I still question if I deserve to be treated nicely. I couldn't answer all that. I wanted to just run away after telling her all about it. I felt shame and yucky.
What I am proud of is I didn't do any of the maladaptive behaviour. I did not yell at TJ at all. I did not take any extra meds. I did not stuff my face with chocolate. I did not do anything that would hurt me in any way. I am very proud of myself that I found other ways to deal with the panic and stress I was feeling. Heck, I even watched Dr. Oz. I never watch that show. Guess what they were talking about. Stress.
Over all, Friday was good. One little blip, but that will turn out good soon too. For the rest of the weekend, I am going to be spending time with Joseph and relaxing and enjoying being cooked for, and having the dishes done.
We are off for a drive. Bye until Sunday night.
Not so good was telling Sandy what happened to me when I was around 17 years old. It had been my homework from Karen. I did as I was asked. I got lost in time as I was talking to Sandy. I did a lot of talking and crying. Sandy got into the "why" I would have felt like I did. How could I answer that? I still don't know why I thought I deserved to be treated so badly or why I still question if I deserve to be treated nicely. I couldn't answer all that. I wanted to just run away after telling her all about it. I felt shame and yucky.
What I am proud of is I didn't do any of the maladaptive behaviour. I did not yell at TJ at all. I did not take any extra meds. I did not stuff my face with chocolate. I did not do anything that would hurt me in any way. I am very proud of myself that I found other ways to deal with the panic and stress I was feeling. Heck, I even watched Dr. Oz. I never watch that show. Guess what they were talking about. Stress.
Over all, Friday was good. One little blip, but that will turn out good soon too. For the rest of the weekend, I am going to be spending time with Joseph and relaxing and enjoying being cooked for, and having the dishes done.
We are off for a drive. Bye until Sunday night.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Up early in the morning
Since I was up, and I just realized I hadn't done an entry for yesterday, I thought now would be a good time.
Yesterday was good. I went to the doctor, for my usual bi-weekly appointment. Blood pressure, very good. Weight, down a bit. Back pain, new drugs. Other than that, all is good with my body. Just wish my back pain would go away.
TJ and I had a good day. Quiet times around the house. If I felt my temper or voice rising, I would take a deep breath and make things playful. Changed channels on him just because. Made my voice and what we were doing into a joke. I kept things light and ended up not yelling at him at all.
Then, as I was getting ready for bed, my anxiety rose. Today I am supposed to tell Sandy about the PTSD symptoms, and tell her the incident that caused them. I am not looking forward to that. I feel that it is one of the reasons I am up at this time of day.
So, to keep calm, and not panic, I am doing a load of laundry so TJ has clothes for when he goes to Rygiel House this weekend. I am taking naps, so I am not so tired. I am planning my courses of action for today so when the anxiety rises, I don't do any of my maladaptive behaviour. This is called IMPROVE the moment.
IMPROVE stands for
Imagery - imagine hurtful emotions draining out of you like water out of a pipe as you breath deeply
Meaning - fine the purpose in this pain, like telling Sandy so we can treat the symptoms
Prayer - go outside and commune with nature works with me. Opening myself up by asking the Goddess and God to help bear the pain
Relaxation - having a cup of herbal tea and breathing deeply when ever I get the chance. Breath while in the shower or out back. Relax my muscles in the shower.
One thing in the moment - focus on what I am doing while I am doing it. Be mindful of what I am doing. Don't start thinking of what I am going to speak to Sandy about
Vacation - take mini breaks like going out back and reading (my oasis).
Encourage - cheer myself on with telling myself that I can do this. I lived this physically, it is now time to live it out loud. Make a plan and tell myself how good of a plan it is and that it will all work out.
So, for me herbal tea in the morning instead of caffine (caffine raises anxiety). Taking time outs and going out back for a breather (waiting 1 min before having a smoke). Putting laundry away. Packing TJ's bags and wheelchair up, for when he goes to Rygiel. Telling my self that I can do this without anything extra in my system (sugar, pills, etc). Going out back to read. Maybe do my nails while Sis is here.
So that is what I am going to do later today. Time to change over the laundry and go back to bed for a few hours.
Yesterday was good. I went to the doctor, for my usual bi-weekly appointment. Blood pressure, very good. Weight, down a bit. Back pain, new drugs. Other than that, all is good with my body. Just wish my back pain would go away.
TJ and I had a good day. Quiet times around the house. If I felt my temper or voice rising, I would take a deep breath and make things playful. Changed channels on him just because. Made my voice and what we were doing into a joke. I kept things light and ended up not yelling at him at all.
Then, as I was getting ready for bed, my anxiety rose. Today I am supposed to tell Sandy about the PTSD symptoms, and tell her the incident that caused them. I am not looking forward to that. I feel that it is one of the reasons I am up at this time of day.
So, to keep calm, and not panic, I am doing a load of laundry so TJ has clothes for when he goes to Rygiel House this weekend. I am taking naps, so I am not so tired. I am planning my courses of action for today so when the anxiety rises, I don't do any of my maladaptive behaviour. This is called IMPROVE the moment.
IMPROVE stands for
Imagery - imagine hurtful emotions draining out of you like water out of a pipe as you breath deeply
Meaning - fine the purpose in this pain, like telling Sandy so we can treat the symptoms
Prayer - go outside and commune with nature works with me. Opening myself up by asking the Goddess and God to help bear the pain
Relaxation - having a cup of herbal tea and breathing deeply when ever I get the chance. Breath while in the shower or out back. Relax my muscles in the shower.
One thing in the moment - focus on what I am doing while I am doing it. Be mindful of what I am doing. Don't start thinking of what I am going to speak to Sandy about
Vacation - take mini breaks like going out back and reading (my oasis).
Encourage - cheer myself on with telling myself that I can do this. I lived this physically, it is now time to live it out loud. Make a plan and tell myself how good of a plan it is and that it will all work out.
So, for me herbal tea in the morning instead of caffine (caffine raises anxiety). Taking time outs and going out back for a breather (waiting 1 min before having a smoke). Putting laundry away. Packing TJ's bags and wheelchair up, for when he goes to Rygiel. Telling my self that I can do this without anything extra in my system (sugar, pills, etc). Going out back to read. Maybe do my nails while Sis is here.
So that is what I am going to do later today. Time to change over the laundry and go back to bed for a few hours.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Things move forward.
So today was therapy day. Karen and I had made a deal about me showing up with just my prescribed amount of pain killers in my system. I kept that deal. I also took her what happened last night and this morning. She was very proud of me. We also followed her game plan about doing a "behavioural chain".
A behavioural chain is when you examine what led to doing your maladaptive behaviour. So we studied what I did last week. Taking the extra Perc. After studying why I did it, as in what lead up to it, we problem solved what I could have done differently and what I could do next time. I didn't understand all of it, but I have the basic idea.
My "homework" (DBT is big on homework) is to do a behaviour chain each time I do some maladaptive behaviour. It could be as bad as taking extra pills, to just yelling at TJ, to just as simple as scratching my arm to inflict pain. That and I am to tell Sandy about my past and symptoms of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder).
Today was a good therapy day. I didn't even pick-up chocolate at the drugstore when I went and picked-up my meds I had on order. Today is a very good day.
A behavioural chain is when you examine what led to doing your maladaptive behaviour. So we studied what I did last week. Taking the extra Perc. After studying why I did it, as in what lead up to it, we problem solved what I could have done differently and what I could do next time. I didn't understand all of it, but I have the basic idea.
My "homework" (DBT is big on homework) is to do a behaviour chain each time I do some maladaptive behaviour. It could be as bad as taking extra pills, to just yelling at TJ, to just as simple as scratching my arm to inflict pain. That and I am to tell Sandy about my past and symptoms of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder).
Today was a good therapy day. I didn't even pick-up chocolate at the drugstore when I went and picked-up my meds I had on order. Today is a very good day.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
DBT - ACCEPTS
It just dawned on me, as I was doing the dishes, that I hadn't explained what ACCEPTS is (see, can't even settle doing dishes).
In DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy), they use a lot of acronyms. ACCEPTS is one of them. It is to be used when you are in the middle of an "attack", to keep you from doing the maladaptive (not good) behaviour. For me, right now, the attack is panic attack, where normally, I would over eat, have a drink, cut, or pop a pill. So, instead of that, to get me over the panic attack without using those behaviours, I use ACCEPTS.
ACCEPTS stands for
Activity - doing something with my hands and body. This could involve house work, exercise, colouring, typing on the computer. Just doing something.
Contribute - Search for stuff to give to other people who need stuff more than yourself.
Compare - (this one I can't really do) Think of someone worse off than yourself and realize things aren't that bad
Emotion - Use opposite emotion to make you feel better. I could put on calming music for right now, trying to bring out the opposite to what I am feeling right now.
Pushing away - I still don't understand this one.
Thoughts - I still don't understand this one.
Sensations - I still don't understand this one.
As you can see, I still have a lot to learn. So for right now, I am going to do the activities. Dishes, maybe walk to the drug store to pick up some meds that I ordered yesterday, anything so I don't pop a pill, cut or eat everything in the house.
In DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy), they use a lot of acronyms. ACCEPTS is one of them. It is to be used when you are in the middle of an "attack", to keep you from doing the maladaptive (not good) behaviour. For me, right now, the attack is panic attack, where normally, I would over eat, have a drink, cut, or pop a pill. So, instead of that, to get me over the panic attack without using those behaviours, I use ACCEPTS.
ACCEPTS stands for
Activity - doing something with my hands and body. This could involve house work, exercise, colouring, typing on the computer. Just doing something.
Contribute - Search for stuff to give to other people who need stuff more than yourself.
Compare - (this one I can't really do) Think of someone worse off than yourself and realize things aren't that bad
Emotion - Use opposite emotion to make you feel better. I could put on calming music for right now, trying to bring out the opposite to what I am feeling right now.
Pushing away - I still don't understand this one.
Thoughts - I still don't understand this one.
Sensations - I still don't understand this one.
As you can see, I still have a lot to learn. So for right now, I am going to do the activities. Dishes, maybe walk to the drug store to pick up some meds that I ordered yesterday, anything so I don't pop a pill, cut or eat everything in the house.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Nerves
i am nervous about going to see Sandy (welcome to A - activity in Accepts). i don't know what to say to her. Heck, i have even changed my outfit twice, with a third on the way (well, maybe not). At least i have had lunch.
One big bonus about being in the hospital was managing my diabetes and loosing weight. i am wearing a shirt i wouldn't dare wear last summer because i felt it was too tight in the stomach area. Now, not even close. Plus my jeans have no muffin top going on. i won't know my actual weight until Tuesday (when i see the doctor) but i know i am less than i was before going to the hospital. Even my boobs have shrunk.
So, while i sit here waiting for my ride, here are the crisis intervention skills i have learned
A - Activity - writing in this journal or my paper journal, going for a walk, cleaning, making a cup of tea
C - Contribute - look for things to donate to others.
C - Compare - not one i am good at
E - opposite Emotions - listen to calming music, listen to a TV show that is not to stressful (something with puppies LOL)
P - Push away - tell people to go away for a while, focus on self, don't try to entertain
T - Time Out - count to 10, deep breath,
S - Sensations - cuddle something fuzzy and enjoy the sensation, taste something soothing, hold some ice, have a warm shower
These are all distractions, meant to take me to the next moment in time.
i think i will order some steeped tea and even make a cup of tea to take with me.
One big bonus about being in the hospital was managing my diabetes and loosing weight. i am wearing a shirt i wouldn't dare wear last summer because i felt it was too tight in the stomach area. Now, not even close. Plus my jeans have no muffin top going on. i won't know my actual weight until Tuesday (when i see the doctor) but i know i am less than i was before going to the hospital. Even my boobs have shrunk.
So, while i sit here waiting for my ride, here are the crisis intervention skills i have learned
A - Activity - writing in this journal or my paper journal, going for a walk, cleaning, making a cup of tea
C - Contribute - look for things to donate to others.
C - Compare - not one i am good at
E - opposite Emotions - listen to calming music, listen to a TV show that is not to stressful (something with puppies LOL)
P - Push away - tell people to go away for a while, focus on self, don't try to entertain
T - Time Out - count to 10, deep breath,
S - Sensations - cuddle something fuzzy and enjoy the sensation, taste something soothing, hold some ice, have a warm shower
These are all distractions, meant to take me to the next moment in time.
i think i will order some steeped tea and even make a cup of tea to take with me.
Sunday, March 07, 2010
Away and hiding (medically hiding)
So my symptoms made it impossible for me to take care of myself. The doctor finally got me to agree to go to the hospital. That is where i have been since Feb. 1st.
First was 2 weeks at the General. They ruled out stroke, MS, brain issues, and spinal inflammation. All good to know, because any of those would have meant not being able to get better. They determined it was something called "Conversion"
Conversion is when your body manifests emotional issues. Take for the example that i have been saying no to going into the hospital for my emotional issues for quite some time. my brain finally said "screw you, you have to go get help". So, off i go to St. Joe's for some intensive therapy.
i went in to St. Joe's without being able to walk, use my arm, feel anything on my left side, and not being able to see out of my left eye, or hear out of my left ear. Tomorrow i get discharged. i can now walk, hear, see, feel the keys beneath my fingers, feel pain, hot and cold, and act like a normal person. i also know i have certain things i need to work on.
i am taking something called DBT. Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. It is a new way of thinking about what to do during crisis, and then taking the time to feel the emotions later. They teach mindfulness, wise mind, and ways of handling situations without avoiding them. Of course this type of behaviour therapy counts a lot on lessening stresses. Things like getting more sleep is a big one. Taking the time to feel is also a big one for me.
So far so good though. Last weekend was full of panic. This weekend, i only got panicked going to get groceries. People asking me a lot of questions is also a stresses. So is to much noise. i have the techniques to deal with these as they happen. Playing my ipod while i shopped. Taking someone with me while i shopped. Deep breathing, counting to 10 while staring at cans of soup as if i was choosing one. All ways i was able to complete my shopping and not freak out totally.
While in hospital, i had a bonus reaction. my blood sugars are under control. i just have to not fall on old habits, like eating when i am stressed, and they will stay that way.
my biggest issue to deal with is something called Radical Acceptance. It is when you deal with the pain of the reality of a situation, so you don't "wallow" in it, and the suffering of it can go away. That brought up a lot of issues surrounding Mike, TJ, and the death of others i know and am close to.
i know i am not "fixed", but i have the tools to help.
Oh, and i met quite a few "interesting" people at St. Joe's. The staff were great. my favourite nurses were Barb, Pam, Danielle, George, Steve, and Alissandra, just to name a few. The food lady (some call the "Soup Nazi") Jane was wonderful. i actually made friends with one patient. Penny. She reminds me of E. She can listen, not pass judgement, and not try to fix me, just as i can listen to her in the same way. Paul was a blessing. Michael was interesting. Crystal who i hope gets better soon. Ester who needs to find her big voice. Catherine who went to a group home and i hope learns how to share the TV.
Then there are those i am glad to be away from. Cole (who can't learn how to shut up), Christy (who believes the cops are out to get her), Maurine (who makes up being sick at the drop of a hat...she even believed she had something called Tommy Hilfiger disease), and old lady Patricia (doesn't know how to shut up if her life depended on it).
Tomorrow i get discharged. i am scared. i am worried. i am excited. i am nervous. i am ready. i worry about taking back the burden of caring for my son, and experiencing feelings again.
First was 2 weeks at the General. They ruled out stroke, MS, brain issues, and spinal inflammation. All good to know, because any of those would have meant not being able to get better. They determined it was something called "Conversion"
Conversion is when your body manifests emotional issues. Take for the example that i have been saying no to going into the hospital for my emotional issues for quite some time. my brain finally said "screw you, you have to go get help". So, off i go to St. Joe's for some intensive therapy.
i went in to St. Joe's without being able to walk, use my arm, feel anything on my left side, and not being able to see out of my left eye, or hear out of my left ear. Tomorrow i get discharged. i can now walk, hear, see, feel the keys beneath my fingers, feel pain, hot and cold, and act like a normal person. i also know i have certain things i need to work on.
i am taking something called DBT. Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. It is a new way of thinking about what to do during crisis, and then taking the time to feel the emotions later. They teach mindfulness, wise mind, and ways of handling situations without avoiding them. Of course this type of behaviour therapy counts a lot on lessening stresses. Things like getting more sleep is a big one. Taking the time to feel is also a big one for me.
So far so good though. Last weekend was full of panic. This weekend, i only got panicked going to get groceries. People asking me a lot of questions is also a stresses. So is to much noise. i have the techniques to deal with these as they happen. Playing my ipod while i shopped. Taking someone with me while i shopped. Deep breathing, counting to 10 while staring at cans of soup as if i was choosing one. All ways i was able to complete my shopping and not freak out totally.
While in hospital, i had a bonus reaction. my blood sugars are under control. i just have to not fall on old habits, like eating when i am stressed, and they will stay that way.
my biggest issue to deal with is something called Radical Acceptance. It is when you deal with the pain of the reality of a situation, so you don't "wallow" in it, and the suffering of it can go away. That brought up a lot of issues surrounding Mike, TJ, and the death of others i know and am close to.
i know i am not "fixed", but i have the tools to help.
Oh, and i met quite a few "interesting" people at St. Joe's. The staff were great. my favourite nurses were Barb, Pam, Danielle, George, Steve, and Alissandra, just to name a few. The food lady (some call the "Soup Nazi") Jane was wonderful. i actually made friends with one patient. Penny. She reminds me of E. She can listen, not pass judgement, and not try to fix me, just as i can listen to her in the same way. Paul was a blessing. Michael was interesting. Crystal who i hope gets better soon. Ester who needs to find her big voice. Catherine who went to a group home and i hope learns how to share the TV.
Then there are those i am glad to be away from. Cole (who can't learn how to shut up), Christy (who believes the cops are out to get her), Maurine (who makes up being sick at the drop of a hat...she even believed she had something called Tommy Hilfiger disease), and old lady Patricia (doesn't know how to shut up if her life depended on it).
Tomorrow i get discharged. i am scared. i am worried. i am excited. i am nervous. i am ready. i worry about taking back the burden of caring for my son, and experiencing feelings again.
Tuesday, January 05, 2010
What is going on
i know i haven't written here in a long time. i have been away from the computer. i have been ignoring it. i haven't had the energy or need to be here. i have had a lot of things going on.
The MIT is doing good, but not. His balance is way off. He had 6 days in a row of lost muscle tone and cluster seizures. He is better now. It all happened after Christmas, but before and during New Years. He is scheduled for a day video EEG on Thursday. Hopefully the EEG will show what kind of seizures He is having, if He is having any that day. At least the last 2 days He has walked off the bus. That is progress.
He is also maturing. He had an issue with a teacher on Monday, and He came home telling me to call His resource teacher. He knew something wasn't right about the situation, and He was correct. His resource teacher is wonderful and helped Him out the next day with active solutions to what He could do next time.
Now me. Around the 5th of Dec, part of my leg went numb. Shortly after that, part of my arm went numb. Later i stubbed my toe to the point of bleeding, and i didn't feel it. Now, most of my leg and vulva are numb. At Christmas i lost some hearing . Then i lost some sight. All on my left side. i have bouts of incontinence, and not just the liquid kind. All of this adds up to me getting to see a neurologist on Monday. i haven't looked up all this stuff on the internet. i have pushed it away during the "holidays". Now, it is full in my face. There are other things. Stuff i haven't told anyone until now.
Typing is hard. i can't feel the keys with all my fingers. Spelling is hard. Not just typos. Words i know how to spell, being spelled wrong, and nothing i can do about it, but go back and retype and spell it wrong again. It usually takes me 3-4 times to type the word write. Plus it happens when i am just plain writing on paper. It is hard for me to sometimes make the words look right.
Speaking is frustrating. i can hear myself pronounce words wrong, and using the wrong word. In my brain, it isn't wrong. i only really know it is wrong when i see the look on some one's face, or they ask me what i mean. Even the MIT is correcting me.
i can't drive. i have no peripheral vision on my right side. i am scared to drive. What if something else happens. (case in point, i cut my finger on my right hand and didn't feel it when it happened) i walk into walls when i turn a corner because i didn't see where i was in relationship to the wall.
i am scared. Very very scared. Monday i will have to explain everything that is going on with my body. Monday i will have to face a neurologist about me. Monday i am worried i will be told it is nothing. Monday i am worried i will be told it is something serious. Right now, there is no "in between" for me. i can only see the answers from the doctor being all or nothing.
i am just plain scared.
The MIT is doing good, but not. His balance is way off. He had 6 days in a row of lost muscle tone and cluster seizures. He is better now. It all happened after Christmas, but before and during New Years. He is scheduled for a day video EEG on Thursday. Hopefully the EEG will show what kind of seizures He is having, if He is having any that day. At least the last 2 days He has walked off the bus. That is progress.
He is also maturing. He had an issue with a teacher on Monday, and He came home telling me to call His resource teacher. He knew something wasn't right about the situation, and He was correct. His resource teacher is wonderful and helped Him out the next day with active solutions to what He could do next time.
Monday is the anniversary of D's death. i don't know how i actually feel about that. i am going through the same sort of memories i hold about Mike's death. Remembering what happened this day last year. What i wish i could change about last year. The guilt of not going to see her on the 9th last year. i know for E it is more difficult. i know she is trying to not set herself up for feeling anything, and maybe ignoring the whole thing, but i also know how unrealistic that is. i will be there for her. If she needs me, she will call. i will call her this weekend and check in with her. Monday, i may be no use to her. i am going to be a little busy.
Typing is hard. i can't feel the keys with all my fingers. Spelling is hard. Not just typos. Words i know how to spell, being spelled wrong, and nothing i can do about it, but go back and retype and spell it wrong again. It usually takes me 3-4 times to type the word write. Plus it happens when i am just plain writing on paper. It is hard for me to sometimes make the words look right.
Speaking is frustrating. i can hear myself pronounce words wrong, and using the wrong word. In my brain, it isn't wrong. i only really know it is wrong when i see the look on some one's face, or they ask me what i mean. Even the MIT is correcting me.
i can't drive. i have no peripheral vision on my right side. i am scared to drive. What if something else happens. (case in point, i cut my finger on my right hand and didn't feel it when it happened) i walk into walls when i turn a corner because i didn't see where i was in relationship to the wall.
i am scared. Very very scared. Monday i will have to explain everything that is going on with my body. Monday i will have to face a neurologist about me. Monday i am worried i will be told it is nothing. Monday i am worried i will be told it is something serious. Right now, there is no "in between" for me. i can only see the answers from the doctor being all or nothing.
i am just plain scared.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Cancelled and concerns
i cancelled the tea party. i cancelled it yesterday because my friend E is now in the hospital. i cancelled because i didn't want E and P and L to worry about my silly party, when E is in such bad shape. Plus i didn't want to worry about some silly party when E is in such bad shape.
i have to say, it is about time she went in. The doctors seem to agree, because she is being kept there. i am going to go in and see her tomorrow. i know she won't be getting out for a bit. That is going to be a downer for her. i will take in the tea catalogue and we can decide if we really want to buy anything out of it. i will also be taking her some diet Pepsi, since MUMC doesn't carry it in the hospital. i know i can do just those little things to help her. i'll be doing this in the morning, since i have a date tomorrow afternoon.
Now with P, well, He is in fix-it mode. Add worry mode, and i think He is going a little crazy. Him, i don't know how to help, other than to listen when He needs to talk. That is what i will do. i am good at that.
i haven't heard from L. i left Her 3 messages yesterday, and have heard nothing back. i know P left Her a message as well. i am worried about Her. i don't like not hearing from Her. i always get self conscious if i don't hear from her, like i have done something wrong, and She doesn't feel She can talk to me about it. All i can do is wait until She calls.
my date tomorrow is with T. She and i are going to New Moon. Yes i am actually going to see that movie. Her and i made a commitment to go and see it, when we first say Twilight together. i have a feeling i will also be taking her to the next one in the series. At least i know that she and i will be laughing it up, finding all the faults with the movie and walking out of there shaking our heads. It will be fun.
So tonight, E is in my prayers, along with P, L, T, and C.
i have to say, it is about time she went in. The doctors seem to agree, because she is being kept there. i am going to go in and see her tomorrow. i know she won't be getting out for a bit. That is going to be a downer for her. i will take in the tea catalogue and we can decide if we really want to buy anything out of it. i will also be taking her some diet Pepsi, since MUMC doesn't carry it in the hospital. i know i can do just those little things to help her. i'll be doing this in the morning, since i have a date tomorrow afternoon.
Now with P, well, He is in fix-it mode. Add worry mode, and i think He is going a little crazy. Him, i don't know how to help, other than to listen when He needs to talk. That is what i will do. i am good at that.
i haven't heard from L. i left Her 3 messages yesterday, and have heard nothing back. i know P left Her a message as well. i am worried about Her. i don't like not hearing from Her. i always get self conscious if i don't hear from her, like i have done something wrong, and She doesn't feel She can talk to me about it. All i can do is wait until She calls.
my date tomorrow is with T. She and i are going to New Moon. Yes i am actually going to see that movie. Her and i made a commitment to go and see it, when we first say Twilight together. i have a feeling i will also be taking her to the next one in the series. At least i know that she and i will be laughing it up, finding all the faults with the movie and walking out of there shaking our heads. It will be fun.
So tonight, E is in my prayers, along with P, L, T, and C.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
So much to say?
There is so much to say right now. i am going to try to keep on topic in each paragraph, but i can't promise that is going to happen.
The MIT is deteriorating still. He is loosing milestones still. His balance is way off. He falls more. He gets hurt more often. He hardly has good days. Most days He only has one side that works. At least 2 days a week are full blown and hard. He knows His body is against Him. It is hard watching Him be so aware that He is doing worse physically. He gets so frustrated. i can totally understand why. Going outside or even going to get groceries is taxing on His body. He would much rather sit on the couch, loose sides and be comfortable. At least that way He knows He is safe from getting hurt. It is sad watching my active and karate kid not want to do anything. At least we still do cuddles and have started paper ball fights. That brings smiles to His face.
People i called friends, have been having a difficult time of things lately. i feel sorry for them. i feel their grief. i feel their torment. i had wished they would be a couple that would make it. It doesn't look like that would happen. Yes i have been keeping tabs on them. They were such a big part of my life for a long time. i no longer hold hard feelings for them. i actually miss Her. i wish she would let me back in Her life. i will not push it. It is up to Her. i always loved to serve Her. To be in Her presence. She brought out a side of me that i have lost. Maybe out paths will cross again. Maybe they won't. Whatever happens in the future, i hope She knows that i am here for Her. When She is ready.
Now on to me. i am a still a screwed-up, depressed version of me, but that side has always been there. i go to therapy every 1-2 weeks. i am on plenty of medications to treat the depression and anxiety. i talk of my feelings openly to my therapist. i don't hide how i feel with her anymore. i don't deflect as much. i know she can't fix that part of me. Heck, i can't fix that part of me. All i or she can do is help me manage it. She can help me express my feelings over the MIT and the changes He is going through. She lets me bounce ideas off her. She lets me come to decisions on my own.
i have found myself much calmer since making a major decision.
i am no longer looking for the elusive Dom/Domme/Master/Mistress that likes someone that is experienced, knows her limits and is happy to explore them with someone she knows. i am no longer on any of the "searching" sites. No profile on Collarme, Bondage, or Alt. There isn't any point. All the Tops that are searching seem to be looking for someone that is new and young and skinny. It isn't me. i am experienced. i am confident in my abilities. i am not into plain kinky sex. i need more than that. i need someone that would be comfortable in the "dating before playing" to get to know someone. i need someone that is confident in their selves enough to know that an older woman is still a precious commodity. i need someone that understands i may be a little broken, but am putting the pieces together myself. So i came to the decision that i don't need it. i don't need the constant looking. i don't need the "kneel now" emails. i don't need the people looking for kinky sex. i don't need to look. i am comfortable in just being. i have gone so far as to put all the toys away. They are in Mike's old suitcase. They are available, but not in use. They are away, along with that side of me that craves the pain and submission. It wasn't an easy decision, but one that has brought me peace.
With this transformation, i have acquired 2 things on my body. A cutting of Mike's initials, and a tattoo. The cutting is a reminder that His influence on me will never leave. It is a sign of how much of who i am now, is because of Him. It is also a symbol of that piece of me that is still missing. The tattoo is another reminder. It is of a locket, like the one Mike gave me as my daily collar, with His leather collar around the bottom, and our favourite whip (Raven's Kiss) trailing behind. It is beautiful. It is a symbol of who i was, who i am, and who i can be again.
In a way, i feel like i have awaken. i have found a comfortable spot in the universe for me. Sure it isn't where i pictured i would be in 2009, but it is where i am. i am Mom. i am not slave, submissive, or someone's. i am me.
The MIT is deteriorating still. He is loosing milestones still. His balance is way off. He falls more. He gets hurt more often. He hardly has good days. Most days He only has one side that works. At least 2 days a week are full blown and hard. He knows His body is against Him. It is hard watching Him be so aware that He is doing worse physically. He gets so frustrated. i can totally understand why. Going outside or even going to get groceries is taxing on His body. He would much rather sit on the couch, loose sides and be comfortable. At least that way He knows He is safe from getting hurt. It is sad watching my active and karate kid not want to do anything. At least we still do cuddles and have started paper ball fights. That brings smiles to His face.
People i called friends, have been having a difficult time of things lately. i feel sorry for them. i feel their grief. i feel their torment. i had wished they would be a couple that would make it. It doesn't look like that would happen. Yes i have been keeping tabs on them. They were such a big part of my life for a long time. i no longer hold hard feelings for them. i actually miss Her. i wish she would let me back in Her life. i will not push it. It is up to Her. i always loved to serve Her. To be in Her presence. She brought out a side of me that i have lost. Maybe out paths will cross again. Maybe they won't. Whatever happens in the future, i hope She knows that i am here for Her. When She is ready.
Now on to me. i am a still a screwed-up, depressed version of me, but that side has always been there. i go to therapy every 1-2 weeks. i am on plenty of medications to treat the depression and anxiety. i talk of my feelings openly to my therapist. i don't hide how i feel with her anymore. i don't deflect as much. i know she can't fix that part of me. Heck, i can't fix that part of me. All i or she can do is help me manage it. She can help me express my feelings over the MIT and the changes He is going through. She lets me bounce ideas off her. She lets me come to decisions on my own.
i have found myself much calmer since making a major decision.
i am no longer looking for the elusive Dom/Domme/Master/Mistress that likes someone that is experienced, knows her limits and is happy to explore them with someone she knows. i am no longer on any of the "searching" sites. No profile on Collarme, Bondage, or Alt. There isn't any point. All the Tops that are searching seem to be looking for someone that is new and young and skinny. It isn't me. i am experienced. i am confident in my abilities. i am not into plain kinky sex. i need more than that. i need someone that would be comfortable in the "dating before playing" to get to know someone. i need someone that is confident in their selves enough to know that an older woman is still a precious commodity. i need someone that understands i may be a little broken, but am putting the pieces together myself. So i came to the decision that i don't need it. i don't need the constant looking. i don't need the "kneel now" emails. i don't need the people looking for kinky sex. i don't need to look. i am comfortable in just being. i have gone so far as to put all the toys away. They are in Mike's old suitcase. They are available, but not in use. They are away, along with that side of me that craves the pain and submission. It wasn't an easy decision, but one that has brought me peace.
With this transformation, i have acquired 2 things on my body. A cutting of Mike's initials, and a tattoo. The cutting is a reminder that His influence on me will never leave. It is a sign of how much of who i am now, is because of Him. It is also a symbol of that piece of me that is still missing. The tattoo is another reminder. It is of a locket, like the one Mike gave me as my daily collar, with His leather collar around the bottom, and our favourite whip (Raven's Kiss) trailing behind. It is beautiful. It is a symbol of who i was, who i am, and who i can be again.
In a way, i feel like i have awaken. i have found a comfortable spot in the universe for me. Sure it isn't where i pictured i would be in 2009, but it is where i am. i am Mom. i am not slave, submissive, or someone's. i am me.
Oh, here is a pic of my tattoo the day it was done.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Back for a bit
i know i have been away for a while. i am still here. i am just lost right now. Lost in thought. Lost in responsibility. Lost in my own head. i have no map to help me find my way out. i am doing it the hard way. A therapy session at a time. Talking about how i feel. Contemplating my future. Watching my son. If there is a way out of this maze, i will find it. i just don't know when, or how.
Saturday, March 07, 2009
And it keeps going
The spotting i mean. i went for my ultrasound and then the doctor's. Won't know the results until Monday or Tuesday. When i move or change position, i bleed again. i am getting frustrated. i want the pain and the bleeding to stop. i want to get "normal" again.
Still not smoking. It is amazing how my bank account is reflecting this. It is interesting not having to worry about running out of money for another week. i am really proud of myself. i am doing really well.
i am getting bored with the afghan. i want to make something more difficult. i want to make something to wear. i think. i will finish the afghan. i will finish it soon. i will be needing it when we go camping again. i am trying to convince everyone (meaning the MIT, and Dad) that we should go at the end of this month, or the middle of April for the first trip of this year. i also need to figure out when we have to book sites for the summer. i so want to go camping again. It will be different with not smoking. i will need stuff to do with my hands when the MIT and Dad are busy watching DVD's. i am glad i have more recipes in my arsenal now. It will make camping and meal eating more fun.
Etsy is still drawing my attention. Sometimes it inspires what i want to do next. Sometimes it makes me want to spend money. i have a list of favourite sellers and favourite items a mile long. And i keep going back. There are so many interesting "shops" there. i have favourite jewelery shops. i have favourite pottery shops. i even have favourite handmade purse shops. i don't really have favourite knitting shops, mainly because i can knit and like to knit, and if they are listed as one of my favourites, it is because i want to borrow their patterns or ideas.
Oh, big news. The MIT is going to be grading for His BROWN belt on the 14th. He is doing really well with it, and His teachers are being really positive and only making a few concessions for Him. He is even self advocating to do it. He knows when He can ask to test. He knows that He needs to work hard. i am really proud of Him. After brown, it is brown-stripe, red, red-stripe, black. His teachers are working really hard to get Him to black. They want it so bad for Him. i am proud of them all.
Ok, time to get ready to go out and get groceries with my Mom and Dad (still no driving allowed). Then home to make chili and store it, chicken noodle soup and store it, banana bread and store it, and apple crisp and store it. It is a keep busy day. i don't know what i am trying to hide from, but it is what baking and cooking help me do.
Still not smoking. It is amazing how my bank account is reflecting this. It is interesting not having to worry about running out of money for another week. i am really proud of myself. i am doing really well.
i am getting bored with the afghan. i want to make something more difficult. i want to make something to wear. i think. i will finish the afghan. i will finish it soon. i will be needing it when we go camping again. i am trying to convince everyone (meaning the MIT, and Dad) that we should go at the end of this month, or the middle of April for the first trip of this year. i also need to figure out when we have to book sites for the summer. i so want to go camping again. It will be different with not smoking. i will need stuff to do with my hands when the MIT and Dad are busy watching DVD's. i am glad i have more recipes in my arsenal now. It will make camping and meal eating more fun.
Etsy is still drawing my attention. Sometimes it inspires what i want to do next. Sometimes it makes me want to spend money. i have a list of favourite sellers and favourite items a mile long. And i keep going back. There are so many interesting "shops" there. i have favourite jewelery shops. i have favourite pottery shops. i even have favourite handmade purse shops. i don't really have favourite knitting shops, mainly because i can knit and like to knit, and if they are listed as one of my favourites, it is because i want to borrow their patterns or ideas.
Oh, big news. The MIT is going to be grading for His BROWN belt on the 14th. He is doing really well with it, and His teachers are being really positive and only making a few concessions for Him. He is even self advocating to do it. He knows when He can ask to test. He knows that He needs to work hard. i am really proud of Him. After brown, it is brown-stripe, red, red-stripe, black. His teachers are working really hard to get Him to black. They want it so bad for Him. i am proud of them all.
Ok, time to get ready to go out and get groceries with my Mom and Dad (still no driving allowed). Then home to make chili and store it, chicken noodle soup and store it, banana bread and store it, and apple crisp and store it. It is a keep busy day. i don't know what i am trying to hide from, but it is what baking and cooking help me do.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Numb
It has been a week since i posted. A week since the funeral. Two weeks since her death. i still think about her every day. my heart skips a beat when i drive past the hospice. i keep thinking i should be in there with her. We should be scooting outside for a smoke, watching TV or talking about the staff. i am a friend. E must have it worse.
On Thursday E's daughter took me to the movies for her birthday. We saw Twilight. It was ok. What was better was the fact that she asked me. E didn't want to see it before she read the book, and i have already read it, and she thought of me. She even invited me to her birthday dinner on the Friday night. i wasn't able to go to that. Between therapy and tooth pain, i just didn't have the stamina.
Therapy was me feeling numb and not wanting to feel anything but that. The session was all factually. No feelings were discussed. Sandy said i needed that to breath. A chance to breath from the pain and loss and feeling. i can't feel numb right now. Every time one of the flowers withers, i cry. i save it and i cry at its loss. i cry as it represents to me, another part of her going away. The MIT has been home all week. It is exam time and He is home. We have been watching Smallville most of the week. He doesn't like to see me cry, so i have been hiding those feelings from Him.
Now for the tooth. i have been having tooth pain for a few weeks. It went away when i was on the antibiotics for strep. It came back. It got so bad, i actually stood at the door of the dentist Monday morning before they opened. i ended up coming home after a root canal. Can you say ouch? The only pain killer i am on is ibuprofen. Like that is a big help. On top of that, i have strep again, so i am on antibiotics for both the tooth thing and the throat.
i am really starting to hate January. Almost as much as i hate May.
On Thursday E's daughter took me to the movies for her birthday. We saw Twilight. It was ok. What was better was the fact that she asked me. E didn't want to see it before she read the book, and i have already read it, and she thought of me. She even invited me to her birthday dinner on the Friday night. i wasn't able to go to that. Between therapy and tooth pain, i just didn't have the stamina.
Therapy was me feeling numb and not wanting to feel anything but that. The session was all factually. No feelings were discussed. Sandy said i needed that to breath. A chance to breath from the pain and loss and feeling. i can't feel numb right now. Every time one of the flowers withers, i cry. i save it and i cry at its loss. i cry as it represents to me, another part of her going away. The MIT has been home all week. It is exam time and He is home. We have been watching Smallville most of the week. He doesn't like to see me cry, so i have been hiding those feelings from Him.
Now for the tooth. i have been having tooth pain for a few weeks. It went away when i was on the antibiotics for strep. It came back. It got so bad, i actually stood at the door of the dentist Monday morning before they opened. i ended up coming home after a root canal. Can you say ouch? The only pain killer i am on is ibuprofen. Like that is a big help. On top of that, i have strep again, so i am on antibiotics for both the tooth thing and the throat.
i am really starting to hate January. Almost as much as i hate May.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
The day before...
and i am supposed to be trying to just feel and relax. Instead, i am hyper and worried. i am doing laundry. i am doing dishes. i am panicked about the candle. i am wondering when P will email me with what they want printed as an insert. i am doing anything i can do to keep from feeling.
Laundry has been put away, with one load in the dryer, another in the washer and one more to go. Dishes are in soaking, ready to be washed, with two loads waiting to go. All empty cans are in the recycling bin. All garbage has been gathered and in the right places. i am even making myself perogies for lunch/supper. i have my list of what to do tomorrow ready. i have my clothes set out ready. i have ironed my top for tomorrow. i have vacuumed. i even know what i am going to do at 3:30.
At 3:30, i am heading over to White Flame. i am going to wander the store, and pickup some stuff for myself. i am going to get the memorial candle. i am then going to head over to Rygiel, and drop off the MIT's velcro for His heart monitor. i don't want to go out, but i have too.
i have to keep busy for now. At least for a little while. At least for now. Maybe later i will be able to relax. Maybe later i can let out how sad and scared and hurt i am feeling. Right now, i just can't go there. Right now, i am keeping busy.
Laundry has been put away, with one load in the dryer, another in the washer and one more to go. Dishes are in soaking, ready to be washed, with two loads waiting to go. All empty cans are in the recycling bin. All garbage has been gathered and in the right places. i am even making myself perogies for lunch/supper. i have my list of what to do tomorrow ready. i have my clothes set out ready. i have ironed my top for tomorrow. i have vacuumed. i even know what i am going to do at 3:30.
At 3:30, i am heading over to White Flame. i am going to wander the store, and pickup some stuff for myself. i am going to get the memorial candle. i am then going to head over to Rygiel, and drop off the MIT's velcro for His heart monitor. i don't want to go out, but i have too.
i have to keep busy for now. At least for a little while. At least for now. Maybe later i will be able to relax. Maybe later i can let out how sad and scared and hurt i am feeling. Right now, i just can't go there. Right now, i am keeping busy.
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Usually....
This time of year, is when i post what i promised myself last year, and what i am going to promise myself this year. That isn't happening right now. Maybe that will happen later, but there is too much keeping me in the now and not in the future. There are things i want to start doing more of, and those are what i am going to be listing.
1. Getting serious about practicing the "holidays" regarding my pagan beliefs. More taking care of my altar. More preparing foods for the special days. More meditating quietly when i have time.
2. Cooking more. i have already started, but i want to keep doing this and getting more recipes under my belt. i am enjoying watching the Food Network, and have been taking ideas from there. i also want to learn how to cook Chinese food, so i don't have to spend so much on ordering in. Also, cooking Tai food would be nice, as i can't order from anywhere without risking an bad allergy.
3. Spending more time with those i love. Yes it is hard when the MIT is having problems, but i am going to work around that.
4. Work with my doctors regarding my medications. This feeling nothing, or feeling like life isn't worth it, sucks.
5. Going camping with the MIT and my Dad more. It is nice quiet time the three of us can spend together. It is actually something i look forward to. Maybe we can incorporate P&E and the kids. That would be nice. Camping is something i have learned to enjoy again.
Well, those are the things i want to work on. i am not going to pressure myself much. Pressure adds to the anxiety, and the need for perfection, and that is something i can't do right now. i know i need to take care of myself more. i am just not motivated. Hopefully that will change as my medications get changed. Caring would be a big improvement.
The MIT has had 2 deaths in the last 2 weeks. A person He knows from church had gone from being ok, to slipping into a coma and dying 2 days later. She died Christmas Eve. Tuesday, my parent's neighbour, Vince, died. my Dad and Vince's son had to break into the house and found him dead. The MIT was very close to him. They liked to sit outside and talk. The MIT lost it when i told Him. He went outside and screamed. He came in angry and looking like He would hurt Himself. He lost His right side immediately. He is still upset about both deaths. Monday He is not going to be going to school. He will be going to a funeral. He has lost a great many people in His short life. That makes me sad
Today the MIT and i are spending a quiet time at home. i am drinking lots of water. Baileys and eggnog are a great combination, but i need to rehydrate. Tomorrow is more MIT and mommy time. Saturday will be sleeping and getting back to feeling more like myself. Sunday will be more of the same as Saturday. Monday will be the MIT going to a funeral, and me being able to spend more time with D at the hospice.
i have missed our quiet times together. She has beaten a number of odds to make it this long. She is a very strong and stubborn woman. She is a great friend, and i will never forget her influence on me.
Yeah, today is not a happy day for me.
1. Getting serious about practicing the "holidays" regarding my pagan beliefs. More taking care of my altar. More preparing foods for the special days. More meditating quietly when i have time.
2. Cooking more. i have already started, but i want to keep doing this and getting more recipes under my belt. i am enjoying watching the Food Network, and have been taking ideas from there. i also want to learn how to cook Chinese food, so i don't have to spend so much on ordering in. Also, cooking Tai food would be nice, as i can't order from anywhere without risking an bad allergy.
3. Spending more time with those i love. Yes it is hard when the MIT is having problems, but i am going to work around that.
4. Work with my doctors regarding my medications. This feeling nothing, or feeling like life isn't worth it, sucks.
5. Going camping with the MIT and my Dad more. It is nice quiet time the three of us can spend together. It is actually something i look forward to. Maybe we can incorporate P&E and the kids. That would be nice. Camping is something i have learned to enjoy again.
Well, those are the things i want to work on. i am not going to pressure myself much. Pressure adds to the anxiety, and the need for perfection, and that is something i can't do right now. i know i need to take care of myself more. i am just not motivated. Hopefully that will change as my medications get changed. Caring would be a big improvement.
The MIT has had 2 deaths in the last 2 weeks. A person He knows from church had gone from being ok, to slipping into a coma and dying 2 days later. She died Christmas Eve. Tuesday, my parent's neighbour, Vince, died. my Dad and Vince's son had to break into the house and found him dead. The MIT was very close to him. They liked to sit outside and talk. The MIT lost it when i told Him. He went outside and screamed. He came in angry and looking like He would hurt Himself. He lost His right side immediately. He is still upset about both deaths. Monday He is not going to be going to school. He will be going to a funeral. He has lost a great many people in His short life. That makes me sad
Today the MIT and i are spending a quiet time at home. i am drinking lots of water. Baileys and eggnog are a great combination, but i need to rehydrate. Tomorrow is more MIT and mommy time. Saturday will be sleeping and getting back to feeling more like myself. Sunday will be more of the same as Saturday. Monday will be the MIT going to a funeral, and me being able to spend more time with D at the hospice.
i have missed our quiet times together. She has beaten a number of odds to make it this long. She is a very strong and stubborn woman. She is a great friend, and i will never forget her influence on me.
Yeah, today is not a happy day for me.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Feeling a bit more normal
i have slept. i slept most of Friday (after the boxing day shopping). i slept most of Saturday. i slept in this morning. The wind and falling things work me up. Seems Ham is having an extreme wind warning this morning. Shingles are flying off my house. The noise is disturbing.
P is better. He had His appendix taken out. It had slightly ruptured. He is still in the hospital, but E is hoping He will be out today. It all depends on how much antibiotics the doctors want Him to have.
The MIT is well. He is enjoying staying in His room and watching His new DVD's. He is at Mom and Dad's right now, and won't be back until tonight. Until then, i will be enjoying the quiet of the house and being able to lie down and sleep when i need.
i am back to taking my meds more regularly. i am not back to perfect, but it is better than nothing. All the junk food in the house is helping me keep in mind just how much i want protein. i have no left over turkey. i can't find anything in the house to fix the cravings. Today i am going to the store to get what i need and make a bunch of dishes so i can have protein fixes this week. It will help counter the chocolate i have.
i am still not out of the depressing. i am still wallowing in it. Still not having anything to keep me here. Still not sure why i am still here. A few days of sleep hasn't helped. i don't know what will help. The increase in the clonazepan is only making me more sleepy. i guess my mood has more balanced. i am still not feeling anything. That is the part that sucks. No tears. No anger. No joy. i just feel like nothing right now.
So, the tentative plan for today is to shower and dress. Go to Fortinos for bread. Go to M&M's for apple butter pork tenderloin. Go to Food Basics for cheap pop. Maybe drop the stuff off at E's. Maybe hit White Flame and use up my gift certificate from my Sis. The shower is desperately needed. The bread is desperately needed. The pork tenderloin is needed for protein. the pop is what is sustaining me.
i don't know what else to say. One day at a time i guess
P is better. He had His appendix taken out. It had slightly ruptured. He is still in the hospital, but E is hoping He will be out today. It all depends on how much antibiotics the doctors want Him to have.
The MIT is well. He is enjoying staying in His room and watching His new DVD's. He is at Mom and Dad's right now, and won't be back until tonight. Until then, i will be enjoying the quiet of the house and being able to lie down and sleep when i need.
i am back to taking my meds more regularly. i am not back to perfect, but it is better than nothing. All the junk food in the house is helping me keep in mind just how much i want protein. i have no left over turkey. i can't find anything in the house to fix the cravings. Today i am going to the store to get what i need and make a bunch of dishes so i can have protein fixes this week. It will help counter the chocolate i have.
i am still not out of the depressing. i am still wallowing in it. Still not having anything to keep me here. Still not sure why i am still here. A few days of sleep hasn't helped. i don't know what will help. The increase in the clonazepan is only making me more sleepy. i guess my mood has more balanced. i am still not feeling anything. That is the part that sucks. No tears. No anger. No joy. i just feel like nothing right now.
So, the tentative plan for today is to shower and dress. Go to Fortinos for bread. Go to M&M's for apple butter pork tenderloin. Go to Food Basics for cheap pop. Maybe drop the stuff off at E's. Maybe hit White Flame and use up my gift certificate from my Sis. The shower is desperately needed. The bread is desperately needed. The pork tenderloin is needed for protein. the pop is what is sustaining me.
i don't know what else to say. One day at a time i guess