In the last 2 weeks, I have had a total of 5 days worth of migraines. They drop me on my butt. I can't do anything. I have to fake being ok for TJ. I have to fake being ok for Charlie. Other than that, the vomiting and pain is just way to much.
I finally called my doctor on Thursday. She ordered me some Demerol. It is the only thing that has worked in the past, and thank the Gods and Goddesses it worked this time.
I am now back to normal.. I am now functioning as I did before the migraines took over. Now I just have to fight the urge to take more just to feel stoned.
Showing posts with label Health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Health. Show all posts
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Friday, December 31, 2010
Bringing in 2011
Normally, I do up a sort of recount of my resolutions from last year, and list new ones. I am not going to do that this year. There is too much going on. There is too much in my head right now to even think about it.
My Godfather/Uncle died on the 28th. His funeral is on the 3rd. I am sad and full of regret. I have learned that regret and guilt are two different emotions. Regret I can handle. Guilt, leads to shame and I don't want/need that.
I have actually decided to go out tonight to a house party to hear a friend play with his band. This will be the first NYE I have ever gone "out" to. Yes I spent NYE with E, P, C, T, and D a few years ago, but no getting drunk and hitting on young men that year. It was a stay in the house kind of event. This year is different. Oh yeah, and I am getting dressed for it. Fancy top, and new jeans. I am going to show off my new size. I am going to show off my boobs. I am actually looking forward to this. What to wear is laid out. Schedule has been made up so I do not forget to do anything. I will actually be wearing a bit of makeup to this thing.
I am going to be jumping in with both feet, to distract myself from what will be happening on Sunday and Mondays. This is called Opposite Emotion. Yes, another DBT thingy.
Next year is all about learning more about emotions, DBT thingies, not binging (and loosing weight because of it), not drinking to much, and just being healthier in mind and body.
Happy New Years to all.
My Godfather/Uncle died on the 28th. His funeral is on the 3rd. I am sad and full of regret. I have learned that regret and guilt are two different emotions. Regret I can handle. Guilt, leads to shame and I don't want/need that.
I have actually decided to go out tonight to a house party to hear a friend play with his band. This will be the first NYE I have ever gone "out" to. Yes I spent NYE with E, P, C, T, and D a few years ago, but no getting drunk and hitting on young men that year. It was a stay in the house kind of event. This year is different. Oh yeah, and I am getting dressed for it. Fancy top, and new jeans. I am going to show off my new size. I am going to show off my boobs. I am actually looking forward to this. What to wear is laid out. Schedule has been made up so I do not forget to do anything. I will actually be wearing a bit of makeup to this thing.
I am going to be jumping in with both feet, to distract myself from what will be happening on Sunday and Mondays. This is called Opposite Emotion. Yes, another DBT thingy.
Next year is all about learning more about emotions, DBT thingies, not binging (and loosing weight because of it), not drinking to much, and just being healthier in mind and body.
Happy New Years to all.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
What a group
Today was my first DBT group session. I was so nervous, I was awake at 5:30, and pacing by 8:00. I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know what to take. I was in pain and tired.
It really wasn't all that bad. The group is all women. There is homework to be done. There was a lot of talking and answering questions. I talked a lot more than I thought I would. I guess I got the smarts to do all this, I just have to find the motivation and gumption to actually use the techniques to help myself.
After group, I had a bit of time by myself. I found out I was going to have a nurse for me for the next little while. Wound management. Someone to pull out the stuffing (sorry, packing) out of the hole in my groin, and then, without freezing, stuffing the hole back up again. The nurse I had today was quite nice. I will probably have a new one Thursday.
Right now, I am exhausted. I have been up since 5:30, and plan on getting up at that early morning time for the rest of the week. This gives me some quiet time to myself before TJ gets up, and helps my body get used to the school schedule. Once 11 comes around, and I take my antibiotic, I am heading to bed.
Oh yeah. My sugars have been normal all day, and I know I have lost some more weight
It really wasn't all that bad. The group is all women. There is homework to be done. There was a lot of talking and answering questions. I talked a lot more than I thought I would. I guess I got the smarts to do all this, I just have to find the motivation and gumption to actually use the techniques to help myself.
After group, I had a bit of time by myself. I found out I was going to have a nurse for me for the next little while. Wound management. Someone to pull out the stuffing (sorry, packing) out of the hole in my groin, and then, without freezing, stuffing the hole back up again. The nurse I had today was quite nice. I will probably have a new one Thursday.
Right now, I am exhausted. I have been up since 5:30, and plan on getting up at that early morning time for the rest of the week. This gives me some quiet time to myself before TJ gets up, and helps my body get used to the school schedule. Once 11 comes around, and I take my antibiotic, I am heading to bed.
Oh yeah. My sugars have been normal all day, and I know I have lost some more weight
Monday, August 16, 2010
Not feeling good at all
I went to bed early and sick. I woke up late and sick. Seems like I may have the flu. "Runny poops", nausea, stiff muscles, head ache, sweats and chills with an over all feeling of sick. My Sis is the one that said it sounds like the flu. All I know is that I feel like crap and wish I could just stay in bed and sleep whatever this is off. Then again, I am a Mom, so that is impossible. Sis helped by bringing TJ over breakfast. Now I am up, and trying not to toss cookies. I have a sink full of dishes and a few things to cook up today. Other than that, I am going to take it easy as much as possible. TJ is helping out with that as much as he can.
The weekend went well. Joseph and I went for drives. He cooked for me. He made sure I actually ate, and have food left over for the week. I have BBQ'ed ribs, chicken and steak ready to be heated up and eaten. I am well prepared for the week ahead, if only I actually didn't look at food and heave. LOL.
He will be back this weekend. Arriving on Friday and leaving early on Sunday. Sunday we are celebrating Sis's birthday, and she doesn't want him there. I understand. Her birthday is about her and not my boyfriend meeting more family.
Wicca and therapy were brush away for the weekend. Most of the time was spent enjoying each moment. On walks I would find little things that I wanted to keep to remind me about the time outside. I got a few rocks, and an interesting "flower". They are now on my alter. A symbol of the season and of what I am drawn too.
Hopefully I will feel better soon. I will do the dishes. I will cook up the mushrooms and onions. I will, no matter how I feel today, be the good Mom and do what needs to be done.
The weekend went well. Joseph and I went for drives. He cooked for me. He made sure I actually ate, and have food left over for the week. I have BBQ'ed ribs, chicken and steak ready to be heated up and eaten. I am well prepared for the week ahead, if only I actually didn't look at food and heave. LOL.
He will be back this weekend. Arriving on Friday and leaving early on Sunday. Sunday we are celebrating Sis's birthday, and she doesn't want him there. I understand. Her birthday is about her and not my boyfriend meeting more family.
Wicca and therapy were brush away for the weekend. Most of the time was spent enjoying each moment. On walks I would find little things that I wanted to keep to remind me about the time outside. I got a few rocks, and an interesting "flower". They are now on my alter. A symbol of the season and of what I am drawn too.
Hopefully I will feel better soon. I will do the dishes. I will cook up the mushrooms and onions. I will, no matter how I feel today, be the good Mom and do what needs to be done.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Up early in the morning
Since I was up, and I just realized I hadn't done an entry for yesterday, I thought now would be a good time.
Yesterday was good. I went to the doctor, for my usual bi-weekly appointment. Blood pressure, very good. Weight, down a bit. Back pain, new drugs. Other than that, all is good with my body. Just wish my back pain would go away.
TJ and I had a good day. Quiet times around the house. If I felt my temper or voice rising, I would take a deep breath and make things playful. Changed channels on him just because. Made my voice and what we were doing into a joke. I kept things light and ended up not yelling at him at all.
Then, as I was getting ready for bed, my anxiety rose. Today I am supposed to tell Sandy about the PTSD symptoms, and tell her the incident that caused them. I am not looking forward to that. I feel that it is one of the reasons I am up at this time of day.
So, to keep calm, and not panic, I am doing a load of laundry so TJ has clothes for when he goes to Rygiel House this weekend. I am taking naps, so I am not so tired. I am planning my courses of action for today so when the anxiety rises, I don't do any of my maladaptive behaviour. This is called IMPROVE the moment.
IMPROVE stands for
Imagery - imagine hurtful emotions draining out of you like water out of a pipe as you breath deeply
Meaning - fine the purpose in this pain, like telling Sandy so we can treat the symptoms
Prayer - go outside and commune with nature works with me. Opening myself up by asking the Goddess and God to help bear the pain
Relaxation - having a cup of herbal tea and breathing deeply when ever I get the chance. Breath while in the shower or out back. Relax my muscles in the shower.
One thing in the moment - focus on what I am doing while I am doing it. Be mindful of what I am doing. Don't start thinking of what I am going to speak to Sandy about
Vacation - take mini breaks like going out back and reading (my oasis).
Encourage - cheer myself on with telling myself that I can do this. I lived this physically, it is now time to live it out loud. Make a plan and tell myself how good of a plan it is and that it will all work out.
So, for me herbal tea in the morning instead of caffine (caffine raises anxiety). Taking time outs and going out back for a breather (waiting 1 min before having a smoke). Putting laundry away. Packing TJ's bags and wheelchair up, for when he goes to Rygiel. Telling my self that I can do this without anything extra in my system (sugar, pills, etc). Going out back to read. Maybe do my nails while Sis is here.
So that is what I am going to do later today. Time to change over the laundry and go back to bed for a few hours.
Yesterday was good. I went to the doctor, for my usual bi-weekly appointment. Blood pressure, very good. Weight, down a bit. Back pain, new drugs. Other than that, all is good with my body. Just wish my back pain would go away.
TJ and I had a good day. Quiet times around the house. If I felt my temper or voice rising, I would take a deep breath and make things playful. Changed channels on him just because. Made my voice and what we were doing into a joke. I kept things light and ended up not yelling at him at all.
Then, as I was getting ready for bed, my anxiety rose. Today I am supposed to tell Sandy about the PTSD symptoms, and tell her the incident that caused them. I am not looking forward to that. I feel that it is one of the reasons I am up at this time of day.
So, to keep calm, and not panic, I am doing a load of laundry so TJ has clothes for when he goes to Rygiel House this weekend. I am taking naps, so I am not so tired. I am planning my courses of action for today so when the anxiety rises, I don't do any of my maladaptive behaviour. This is called IMPROVE the moment.
IMPROVE stands for
Imagery - imagine hurtful emotions draining out of you like water out of a pipe as you breath deeply
Meaning - fine the purpose in this pain, like telling Sandy so we can treat the symptoms
Prayer - go outside and commune with nature works with me. Opening myself up by asking the Goddess and God to help bear the pain
Relaxation - having a cup of herbal tea and breathing deeply when ever I get the chance. Breath while in the shower or out back. Relax my muscles in the shower.
One thing in the moment - focus on what I am doing while I am doing it. Be mindful of what I am doing. Don't start thinking of what I am going to speak to Sandy about
Vacation - take mini breaks like going out back and reading (my oasis).
Encourage - cheer myself on with telling myself that I can do this. I lived this physically, it is now time to live it out loud. Make a plan and tell myself how good of a plan it is and that it will all work out.
So, for me herbal tea in the morning instead of caffine (caffine raises anxiety). Taking time outs and going out back for a breather (waiting 1 min before having a smoke). Putting laundry away. Packing TJ's bags and wheelchair up, for when he goes to Rygiel. Telling my self that I can do this without anything extra in my system (sugar, pills, etc). Going out back to read. Maybe do my nails while Sis is here.
So that is what I am going to do later today. Time to change over the laundry and go back to bed for a few hours.
Monday, August 09, 2010
Going to try this once a day thing.
So yes. I am going to try "writing" here once a day. I will cover family / relationships, wicca, and therapy. I will cover each of these things each day. There will be other stuff, but those are going to be the beginning of each post. So, here we go.
TJ (formally MIT) and I are having a nice quiet day. Well, quiet in the sense that he is busy watching TV and I am busy doing cleaning and thinking and stuff. Basically, daily keeping up with chores. I am also missing Joseph. It is nice missing him, but I really, really do miss him. He brings smiles to my face just like TJ does. Both do silly little things, just to make me smile. TJ is doing the same thing today. Doing silly things just to make me smile. I am a very lucky woman right now.
I need to update my BOS. I haven't written my rituals since Beltane. I have kept a record of them, but I would like them to be secure in my BOS. I need to just sit down, in the quiet, with my candles lit around me and take the time to write in my BOS. That is something I really need to do.
I haven't had any ill thoughts. Not lately. I am struggling with not taking certain meds when I really don't need them. I am going to try to pull myself off of them. I will let my therapist know how I am doing with it. Actually, both therapists. I see both of them this week. One on Wednesday and one on Friday. I know the session on Wednesday will be a tough one. I really don't want to go to it sober in any way shape or form. I will. I made a promise and I will keep it. I will show up there sober and probably in a lot of pain (my back). I will listen to her, and I will participate in the conversation and learning.
Other than all that? My back still hurts. I am actually eating 3 times a day. I am taking my meds 4 times each day. I am cooking what is in the house, and not ordering in on the credit card. Next step is to get back to some sort of exercise to work on my back and my core. Weight loss is not my goal. Getting out of pain definitely is.
Time for "regular" TV and time on the couch with TJ. Maybe he and I will go out to Hewitt's for some ice cream.
TJ (formally MIT) and I are having a nice quiet day. Well, quiet in the sense that he is busy watching TV and I am busy doing cleaning and thinking and stuff. Basically, daily keeping up with chores. I am also missing Joseph. It is nice missing him, but I really, really do miss him. He brings smiles to my face just like TJ does. Both do silly little things, just to make me smile. TJ is doing the same thing today. Doing silly things just to make me smile. I am a very lucky woman right now.
I need to update my BOS. I haven't written my rituals since Beltane. I have kept a record of them, but I would like them to be secure in my BOS. I need to just sit down, in the quiet, with my candles lit around me and take the time to write in my BOS. That is something I really need to do.
I haven't had any ill thoughts. Not lately. I am struggling with not taking certain meds when I really don't need them. I am going to try to pull myself off of them. I will let my therapist know how I am doing with it. Actually, both therapists. I see both of them this week. One on Wednesday and one on Friday. I know the session on Wednesday will be a tough one. I really don't want to go to it sober in any way shape or form. I will. I made a promise and I will keep it. I will show up there sober and probably in a lot of pain (my back). I will listen to her, and I will participate in the conversation and learning.
Other than all that? My back still hurts. I am actually eating 3 times a day. I am taking my meds 4 times each day. I am cooking what is in the house, and not ordering in on the credit card. Next step is to get back to some sort of exercise to work on my back and my core. Weight loss is not my goal. Getting out of pain definitely is.
Time for "regular" TV and time on the couch with TJ. Maybe he and I will go out to Hewitt's for some ice cream.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
After the Neurologist
i have had the week to sort of soak in what happened at the neurologist's on Monday. Sure the MIT's thing on Thursday messed up part of it, but i have absorbed enough to feel......on hold.
i didn't walk in to the appointment with any expectations but to have an assessment, and a game plan. i walked out with exactly that. i am to have a brain MRI and a spinal MRI, blood work (already done) and an EVP test followed by another appointment with him. i don't know when the MRI's are yet, but am going to be calling them to be put on the cancellation list. The sooner the better. The EVP test is on the 23rd of March (yes i said March), followed by seeing Dr. M again. So, i feel like i am on hold. Dr. M did say it could be an inflammation of the spinal column, but no for sure.
So, i am stuck. i can't drive, i can't feel my left side. my thinking is slow. my fingers don't work right. i have so many cant's, and don'ts i can't see the cans and dos. my Independence is gone. i have to count on others to drive me around for simple things like getting pop or any type of groceries. Appointments have to work around other people's schedules. i just can't get in my van and go for a drive to escape the city. i can't even go camping in my back yard, because i am unable to chop wood.
The worst part of it all, is how tired i get. i get the MIT ready for school, and do some dishes, and i need a sleep. Not a nap. A 4-5 hour sleep. i think the max i have been awake at a time has been Thursday, and that took sleeping for 16 hours of sleep as a recovery time. i don't know if it is the emotional tole to not being able to do what i need or the physical tole of doing what i need that is knocking me for a loop. i just know i am tired. Physically tired all the time.
i want an answer. i want a course of action. i want to know what to expect (oh yeah, and the doctor saying he doesn't think there will be much permanent damage didn't help). i want my damn life back.
i didn't walk in to the appointment with any expectations but to have an assessment, and a game plan. i walked out with exactly that. i am to have a brain MRI and a spinal MRI, blood work (already done) and an EVP test followed by another appointment with him. i don't know when the MRI's are yet, but am going to be calling them to be put on the cancellation list. The sooner the better. The EVP test is on the 23rd of March (yes i said March), followed by seeing Dr. M again. So, i feel like i am on hold. Dr. M did say it could be an inflammation of the spinal column, but no for sure.
So, i am stuck. i can't drive, i can't feel my left side. my thinking is slow. my fingers don't work right. i have so many cant's, and don'ts i can't see the cans and dos. my Independence is gone. i have to count on others to drive me around for simple things like getting pop or any type of groceries. Appointments have to work around other people's schedules. i just can't get in my van and go for a drive to escape the city. i can't even go camping in my back yard, because i am unable to chop wood.
The worst part of it all, is how tired i get. i get the MIT ready for school, and do some dishes, and i need a sleep. Not a nap. A 4-5 hour sleep. i think the max i have been awake at a time has been Thursday, and that took sleeping for 16 hours of sleep as a recovery time. i don't know if it is the emotional tole to not being able to do what i need or the physical tole of doing what i need that is knocking me for a loop. i just know i am tired. Physically tired all the time.
i want an answer. i want a course of action. i want to know what to expect (oh yeah, and the doctor saying he doesn't think there will be much permanent damage didn't help). i want my damn life back.
Tuesday, January 05, 2010
What is going on
i know i haven't written here in a long time. i have been away from the computer. i have been ignoring it. i haven't had the energy or need to be here. i have had a lot of things going on.
The MIT is doing good, but not. His balance is way off. He had 6 days in a row of lost muscle tone and cluster seizures. He is better now. It all happened after Christmas, but before and during New Years. He is scheduled for a day video EEG on Thursday. Hopefully the EEG will show what kind of seizures He is having, if He is having any that day. At least the last 2 days He has walked off the bus. That is progress.
He is also maturing. He had an issue with a teacher on Monday, and He came home telling me to call His resource teacher. He knew something wasn't right about the situation, and He was correct. His resource teacher is wonderful and helped Him out the next day with active solutions to what He could do next time.
Now me. Around the 5th of Dec, part of my leg went numb. Shortly after that, part of my arm went numb. Later i stubbed my toe to the point of bleeding, and i didn't feel it. Now, most of my leg and vulva are numb. At Christmas i lost some hearing . Then i lost some sight. All on my left side. i have bouts of incontinence, and not just the liquid kind. All of this adds up to me getting to see a neurologist on Monday. i haven't looked up all this stuff on the internet. i have pushed it away during the "holidays". Now, it is full in my face. There are other things. Stuff i haven't told anyone until now.
Typing is hard. i can't feel the keys with all my fingers. Spelling is hard. Not just typos. Words i know how to spell, being spelled wrong, and nothing i can do about it, but go back and retype and spell it wrong again. It usually takes me 3-4 times to type the word write. Plus it happens when i am just plain writing on paper. It is hard for me to sometimes make the words look right.
Speaking is frustrating. i can hear myself pronounce words wrong, and using the wrong word. In my brain, it isn't wrong. i only really know it is wrong when i see the look on some one's face, or they ask me what i mean. Even the MIT is correcting me.
i can't drive. i have no peripheral vision on my right side. i am scared to drive. What if something else happens. (case in point, i cut my finger on my right hand and didn't feel it when it happened) i walk into walls when i turn a corner because i didn't see where i was in relationship to the wall.
i am scared. Very very scared. Monday i will have to explain everything that is going on with my body. Monday i will have to face a neurologist about me. Monday i am worried i will be told it is nothing. Monday i am worried i will be told it is something serious. Right now, there is no "in between" for me. i can only see the answers from the doctor being all or nothing.
i am just plain scared.
The MIT is doing good, but not. His balance is way off. He had 6 days in a row of lost muscle tone and cluster seizures. He is better now. It all happened after Christmas, but before and during New Years. He is scheduled for a day video EEG on Thursday. Hopefully the EEG will show what kind of seizures He is having, if He is having any that day. At least the last 2 days He has walked off the bus. That is progress.
He is also maturing. He had an issue with a teacher on Monday, and He came home telling me to call His resource teacher. He knew something wasn't right about the situation, and He was correct. His resource teacher is wonderful and helped Him out the next day with active solutions to what He could do next time.
Monday is the anniversary of D's death. i don't know how i actually feel about that. i am going through the same sort of memories i hold about Mike's death. Remembering what happened this day last year. What i wish i could change about last year. The guilt of not going to see her on the 9th last year. i know for E it is more difficult. i know she is trying to not set herself up for feeling anything, and maybe ignoring the whole thing, but i also know how unrealistic that is. i will be there for her. If she needs me, she will call. i will call her this weekend and check in with her. Monday, i may be no use to her. i am going to be a little busy.
Typing is hard. i can't feel the keys with all my fingers. Spelling is hard. Not just typos. Words i know how to spell, being spelled wrong, and nothing i can do about it, but go back and retype and spell it wrong again. It usually takes me 3-4 times to type the word write. Plus it happens when i am just plain writing on paper. It is hard for me to sometimes make the words look right.
Speaking is frustrating. i can hear myself pronounce words wrong, and using the wrong word. In my brain, it isn't wrong. i only really know it is wrong when i see the look on some one's face, or they ask me what i mean. Even the MIT is correcting me.
i can't drive. i have no peripheral vision on my right side. i am scared to drive. What if something else happens. (case in point, i cut my finger on my right hand and didn't feel it when it happened) i walk into walls when i turn a corner because i didn't see where i was in relationship to the wall.
i am scared. Very very scared. Monday i will have to explain everything that is going on with my body. Monday i will have to face a neurologist about me. Monday i am worried i will be told it is nothing. Monday i am worried i will be told it is something serious. Right now, there is no "in between" for me. i can only see the answers from the doctor being all or nothing.
i am just plain scared.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Blech
Today sucks.
The MIT is still home from school. He will be off until at least Monday. Gods i hope it is only until Monday. i am sick. Sneezes abound. i feel like crap.
i have been eating better. The only problem is after 9. After 9, i feel sooooo hungry. i crave everything. Meat, chocolate, cereal even. The nurse says it is because my body isn't used to normal blood sugars, and it is like my body is saying i have a low sugar, and needs the food. Problem with me, is i can't stop. Once i start eating, i just can't stop. i don't know how to fix this yet. i will figure something out. i just don't know what yet.
i have shown L a site i thought She would like. Well, She did. i definitely have to start learning how to do tatting. i have so many ideas for gifts for people. All just doing tatting. Then there is back to painting and etching glass. So many ideas. i should start a list. Not here. Don't want anyone i am making for seeing what i am making. Maybe that is something i can do when i get hungry. Plus there is also knitting again. The MIT really likes my knitted blanket. i want to make a bigger one.
Ok, time to go get dinner ready and take my meds.
The MIT is still home from school. He will be off until at least Monday. Gods i hope it is only until Monday. i am sick. Sneezes abound. i feel like crap.
i have been eating better. The only problem is after 9. After 9, i feel sooooo hungry. i crave everything. Meat, chocolate, cereal even. The nurse says it is because my body isn't used to normal blood sugars, and it is like my body is saying i have a low sugar, and needs the food. Problem with me, is i can't stop. Once i start eating, i just can't stop. i don't know how to fix this yet. i will figure something out. i just don't know what yet.
i have shown L a site i thought She would like. Well, She did. i definitely have to start learning how to do tatting. i have so many ideas for gifts for people. All just doing tatting. Then there is back to painting and etching glass. So many ideas. i should start a list. Not here. Don't want anyone i am making for seeing what i am making. Maybe that is something i can do when i get hungry. Plus there is also knitting again. The MIT really likes my knitted blanket. i want to make a bigger one.
Ok, time to go get dinner ready and take my meds.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Dad, MIT, and Adventures
So Dad is fine. Well, not really but yes. He had an angiogram, and it came back normal. No blockages, not to much plaque, no issues that needed to be addressed. So he was discharged on Wednesday. He is diabetic (type 2), but he won't acknowledge it. He does have high blood pressure, but he won't acknowledge it. He has heart damage (it only is working at 65%), but he won't acknowledge it. So what do we do this weekend?
We go camping!!!!!
Yes i took Dad, and the MIT camping again. Dad was on restrictions on what he was allowed to do, but didn't stick to them, and i didn't smother him. i would ask how he was feeling when he looked pale. i would check his blood sugars in the morning, or when he felt faint. i let him try to listen to his body. That is the only way he will learn. i also allowed him and the MIT to gang up on me and boss me around a little.
i also controlled what we all ate. i made sure it was all healthy, and included lots of veggies, and had moderate amounts of carbs. Of course i also made sure everyone took their meds when they were supposed to.
Yes it was stressful, but it was also fun and to me, curiously enough, relaxing. i still say we needed more fire wood. i will make sure we have enough next time.
Today is laundry and dishes day. Plus, i get to take a splinter out of my leg. Other than that, enjoy the quiet while the MIT is at school.
Happy Mabon. i will be doing a little ritual tonight, and will be serving stew (celebrating the harvest of root veggies and squash and "fall veggies"), apple crisp, and whole grain bread. Plus i will be making a fire in my BBQ again. i really love this time of year.
We go camping!!!!!
Yes i took Dad, and the MIT camping again. Dad was on restrictions on what he was allowed to do, but didn't stick to them, and i didn't smother him. i would ask how he was feeling when he looked pale. i would check his blood sugars in the morning, or when he felt faint. i let him try to listen to his body. That is the only way he will learn. i also allowed him and the MIT to gang up on me and boss me around a little.
i also controlled what we all ate. i made sure it was all healthy, and included lots of veggies, and had moderate amounts of carbs. Of course i also made sure everyone took their meds when they were supposed to.
Yes it was stressful, but it was also fun and to me, curiously enough, relaxing. i still say we needed more fire wood. i will make sure we have enough next time.
Today is laundry and dishes day. Plus, i get to take a splinter out of my leg. Other than that, enjoy the quiet while the MIT is at school.
Happy Mabon. i will be doing a little ritual tonight, and will be serving stew (celebrating the harvest of root veggies and squash and "fall veggies"), apple crisp, and whole grain bread. Plus i will be making a fire in my BBQ again. i really love this time of year.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Dad update
Well, Dad is stable. Sort of. His blood pressure is still fluctuating. His legs are still swollen. He still gets winded easily. At least he is out of emerg. and in a room in the day surgery ward. No TV or phone for him, but access to the smoking area.
The MIT has gone with Mom. She will be keeping Him tonight. Now i get to fall to pieces.
i am so scared. i don't want to loose my Daddy. i don't like him being old. i don't like him being sick. i don't like worrying about him. i don't know what will happen with the MIT if Dad dies. They are so close. i don't think He can handle that amount of loss. Then again, i don't know if I can handle that amount of loss.
i haven't been vomiting. i think my brain told my body it had to get better so i can go and see him. i am scared to go and see him. i don't want to see him in a hospital bed. i don't want to see him hooked up to monitors.
He will be in for a while. They will be starting testing on Monday. Checking his heart, veins flow, arterial flow. Those sort of things. i may have to cancel the camping trip we have scheduled for this coming weekend. He told me on the phone not to cancel it. Mom says he is to stay there and take all the tests no matter how long it takes, or until the staff kick him out for being a pain in the ass.
i just need to go and cry for a while. Just let out this fear and then go and visit him. It has to be before 8. That is when hours are over. i may even find a way to stay the night with him. Go out for smokes with him.
So off i go. To hide and cry and panic for a little while. Then put on my Advocate face and go see him.
The MIT has gone with Mom. She will be keeping Him tonight. Now i get to fall to pieces.
i am so scared. i don't want to loose my Daddy. i don't like him being old. i don't like him being sick. i don't like worrying about him. i don't know what will happen with the MIT if Dad dies. They are so close. i don't think He can handle that amount of loss. Then again, i don't know if I can handle that amount of loss.
i haven't been vomiting. i think my brain told my body it had to get better so i can go and see him. i am scared to go and see him. i don't want to see him in a hospital bed. i don't want to see him hooked up to monitors.
He will be in for a while. They will be starting testing on Monday. Checking his heart, veins flow, arterial flow. Those sort of things. i may have to cancel the camping trip we have scheduled for this coming weekend. He told me on the phone not to cancel it. Mom says he is to stay there and take all the tests no matter how long it takes, or until the staff kick him out for being a pain in the ass.
i just need to go and cry for a while. Just let out this fear and then go and visit him. It has to be before 8. That is when hours are over. i may even find a way to stay the night with him. Go out for smokes with him.
So off i go. To hide and cry and panic for a little while. Then put on my Advocate face and go see him.
Realizing parents get old
For the last few weeks, my Dad hasn't been feeling well. He wouldn't go to the doctor. He hasn't gone to one in 8 years. Thursday night, my Dad told my Mom to make an appointment with the doctor for him. Damn, he must have been feeling really bad.
At the doctor's, they found out that his blood pressure was dangerously high (288/172), his legs were swollen, and he has been feeling light headed. The doctor sent him directly to the hospital. They processed him immediately (the doctor had called ahead). The results?
Dad will be in the hospital for a little bit. He needs his blood pressure to come down. He had a heart attack in the last 24 hours. There may be damage to his heart, but don't know how much.
It isn't often i feel helpless. This is one of them. See, i am sick. i have been vomiting, and nauseous for the last 2 days. i just forced myself to eat something to make sure i won't throw up. If i don't throw up, i am going to go and see him. i am going to get answers i need. i am going to check him all over myself, just to make sure he is being treated well.
Logically, i know my Dad is getting older, and health problems should be expected. Emotionally, he is my Daddy. He never gets sick. He can handle anything. He is like superman.
Me? i am feeling like Daddy's little girl that needs him to tell me everything will be alright and fine, and nothing bad will happen.
At the doctor's, they found out that his blood pressure was dangerously high (288/172), his legs were swollen, and he has been feeling light headed. The doctor sent him directly to the hospital. They processed him immediately (the doctor had called ahead). The results?
Dad will be in the hospital for a little bit. He needs his blood pressure to come down. He had a heart attack in the last 24 hours. There may be damage to his heart, but don't know how much.
It isn't often i feel helpless. This is one of them. See, i am sick. i have been vomiting, and nauseous for the last 2 days. i just forced myself to eat something to make sure i won't throw up. If i don't throw up, i am going to go and see him. i am going to get answers i need. i am going to check him all over myself, just to make sure he is being treated well.
Logically, i know my Dad is getting older, and health problems should be expected. Emotionally, he is my Daddy. He never gets sick. He can handle anything. He is like superman.
Me? i am feeling like Daddy's little girl that needs him to tell me everything will be alright and fine, and nothing bad will happen.
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
And then....
i did go to my therapist and told her how i was feeling about my last appointment with her. She totally understood. We talked about it, realized that it hit her personally and that she wasn't completely professional that day. i forgave her. i understand that for a woman (and she is younger than myself) the subject of giving up on having kids can be difficult. No big deal.
Best part was that i told her how i felt. i didn't let the idea that i wouldn't be pleasing and was probably not going to be getting her approval didn't stop me. i am getting better at that. Same thing with asking my Mom and Dad and Sis for help. i don't mind if they say no to me. It isn't a personal attack if they do that. It doesn't mean i am a bad person if i speak up. i still struggle with this, but i am watching myself get better with it.
Saturday was a difficult day. i pushed one of the MIT's OCD buttons, and He ended up getting physical with me. This included 2 kicks (and not passive ones, but deliberate ones) to my gut. Once i had gotten Him all calmed down, and sitting on the couch with my Sis, i went into my room, collapsed on my bed and i went into shock. i called the doctor on-call, and was told to take pain killers and if they worked, not to worry. Well, i started spotting Monday. i couldn't push out the pee from my full bladder without pain and more effort than should be required. i called the doctor yesterday. She is going to be sending me for an ultrasound. i am seeing her on Friday and we will be doing a urine test. On top of that, i have instructions to follow.
No driving
i can no longer pick up a laundry basket
i need to ask someone to put a 12 pack of pop in the fridge for me
i can not push the MIT in His wheelchair
If the spotting increases, i am to call and get an appointment to be seen
If i can not go pee again, i am to call and get an immediate appointment
Drink lots of water (tea is ok, but not so much diet pepsi. i drink tea slower than pop)
If it hurts, don't do it
At least i am still not smoking. Today started week 3. The staff at the diabetic clinic are proud of me. my therapist is proud of me. my Sis's groups is proud of me. The MIT's nurse is actually proud of me (she was sure i wouldn't and couldn't do it past a day or two). Heck, i am very proud of me.
Today i am fascinated by Etsy. It is an interesting site. i am enjoying looking at the "stores" of those in my province, and even in my city. It is cool. Some of the things i am seeing, i want. Other stuff is giving me ideas. The great news is i have been sitting here, and not craving a smoke. Go me!
Oh yeah...i gave up Chinese food for Lent
Best part was that i told her how i felt. i didn't let the idea that i wouldn't be pleasing and was probably not going to be getting her approval didn't stop me. i am getting better at that. Same thing with asking my Mom and Dad and Sis for help. i don't mind if they say no to me. It isn't a personal attack if they do that. It doesn't mean i am a bad person if i speak up. i still struggle with this, but i am watching myself get better with it.
Saturday was a difficult day. i pushed one of the MIT's OCD buttons, and He ended up getting physical with me. This included 2 kicks (and not passive ones, but deliberate ones) to my gut. Once i had gotten Him all calmed down, and sitting on the couch with my Sis, i went into my room, collapsed on my bed and i went into shock. i called the doctor on-call, and was told to take pain killers and if they worked, not to worry. Well, i started spotting Monday. i couldn't push out the pee from my full bladder without pain and more effort than should be required. i called the doctor yesterday. She is going to be sending me for an ultrasound. i am seeing her on Friday and we will be doing a urine test. On top of that, i have instructions to follow.
No driving
i can no longer pick up a laundry basket
i need to ask someone to put a 12 pack of pop in the fridge for me
i can not push the MIT in His wheelchair
If the spotting increases, i am to call and get an appointment to be seen
If i can not go pee again, i am to call and get an immediate appointment
Drink lots of water (tea is ok, but not so much diet pepsi. i drink tea slower than pop)
If it hurts, don't do it
At least i am still not smoking. Today started week 3. The staff at the diabetic clinic are proud of me. my therapist is proud of me. my Sis's groups is proud of me. The MIT's nurse is actually proud of me (she was sure i wouldn't and couldn't do it past a day or two). Heck, i am very proud of me.
Today i am fascinated by Etsy. It is an interesting site. i am enjoying looking at the "stores" of those in my province, and even in my city. It is cool. Some of the things i am seeing, i want. Other stuff is giving me ideas. The great news is i have been sitting here, and not craving a smoke. Go me!
Oh yeah...i gave up Chinese food for Lent
Friday, January 09, 2009
Reflection on the appointment
Today was therapy day. i didn't vent much. i felt relaxed enough to cry there. i cried a lot.
i have decided the word "tired" isn't enough. i am now using the word defeated. That is how i am feeling. Defeated.
One of the main things we talked about was me getting my diabetes under control. i have been thinking about how to do that since the appointment. i don't know how. Yes i have a diabetic clinic that i go to that has a nurse and a dietitian. Yes i have the backing of my doctor, and now my therapist. i don't know how they can help past what they are doing it. i know it has to be me that does it. i know what to do. i have read the books. i have listened to the dietitian. i have listened to the nurse. i have listened to the doctor. i know i should be eating 4 times a day. i know i have medications to take. i know what types of food to eat, and even what portions to have. i know i need to add exercise to my routine. my biggest problem, is i really don't care enough about myself to stick to it.
When the stress and depression get so bad i am thinking of letting go of the cliff, i loose myself in the depression and forget to take my meds, and don't eat or don't eat right. When i am lost in that depression, i don't want to move, or leave the house, and i don't have the money to join a gym. WW helped me in the past, but i don't have the money to do it, or the energy to follow through with the meal plans. Yes i cook when i can, but it is because i know i will not have the energy the next time to actually prepare a meal.
So i feel stuck. i feel defeated. i feel like i am defeating myself
i have decided the word "tired" isn't enough. i am now using the word defeated. That is how i am feeling. Defeated.
One of the main things we talked about was me getting my diabetes under control. i have been thinking about how to do that since the appointment. i don't know how. Yes i have a diabetic clinic that i go to that has a nurse and a dietitian. Yes i have the backing of my doctor, and now my therapist. i don't know how they can help past what they are doing it. i know it has to be me that does it. i know what to do. i have read the books. i have listened to the dietitian. i have listened to the nurse. i have listened to the doctor. i know i should be eating 4 times a day. i know i have medications to take. i know what types of food to eat, and even what portions to have. i know i need to add exercise to my routine. my biggest problem, is i really don't care enough about myself to stick to it.
When the stress and depression get so bad i am thinking of letting go of the cliff, i loose myself in the depression and forget to take my meds, and don't eat or don't eat right. When i am lost in that depression, i don't want to move, or leave the house, and i don't have the money to join a gym. WW helped me in the past, but i don't have the money to do it, or the energy to follow through with the meal plans. Yes i cook when i can, but it is because i know i will not have the energy the next time to actually prepare a meal.
So i feel stuck. i feel defeated. i feel like i am defeating myself
Friday, December 26, 2008
Finally over
i am happy to report that yesterday is over. i survived. i am still in the same mood as i was before it all started. Depressed. Wanting to hide. Tired. The doctor had increased one of my drugs, and it seems to be helping. Well, helping the panic attacks. It makes me more tired, and just more of the not caring. At least i was calm.
Eve - The MIT went to church with my Mom and Dad. He chose to dress up. He wore the red dress shirt that L&D had given Him last year. He chose to wear black pants (not green) and he chose to wear a Christmas tie. Once He left, i had to force myself into wrapping gifts. i just couldn't find it in me to actually want to do it. i had to do it. i needed to get it done. So i did. grudgingly. i put on a happy face, setting up the cookies, eggnog, and carrots for Santa's visit. (yes my 16 year old still believes. i am a lucky Mom). After the MIT went to bed, i actually wrapped and set-up under the tree, and hung the stockings with care. i finally made it to bed about 2am
Day - i do didn't want to do this. i put off the MIT about opening gifts. He had woken at 4, and i kept Him from hitting the living room until 6:00. We opened gifts together. i took pictures. He took pictures. He totally enjoyed the fact that Santa stole a hedgehog from me. He loved the fact that we found a carrot outside partially eaten. It was a good time. Santa out shone me on one gift. It was fun playing that up. The MIT left for church, dressed in His regular red and green. i was supposed to wrap 2 family gifts. i was supposed to start on the turkey. i had no aluminum wrap. No starting the turkey for me. i went back to sleep. i got a call from my Mom telling me to get up, and get moving on preparing the turkey and having a shower. Eventually i did just that. They all showed up at noon. Food, aluminum wrap, and presents all in toe. i wrapped up the turkey and put it in the oven, hoping 4 hours was good enough.
It was present time. i had Sis wrap Mom's gift, and also her own, since i just couldn't bring myself to do it. i got stuff. Sis got stuff. Dad got stuff. Mom got stuff. Nana and Auntie showed up, and more gifts were exchanged. Mom eventually sent me to bed once Nana, Auntie and Sis had to leave. i got to sleep for an hour. When i got up, the turkey was done. It literally fell apart when i moved it from the roasting pan to the plate. Wings, legs, and 1/2 the carcass fell off. i guess i did really good. From that point, Mom and Dad took over the dinner, and i got to just lie in front of the TV and relax. Overall, it was a good day. i survived. i made it. i lived through it. All good, i guess.
Boxing day - Today the MIT is already watching 2 new DVD's. i am sitting here typing on the computer with the NCIS marathon is on in the background. i get to go out with my Mom shopping, while the MIT and Dad get to spend quiet time together. i have adivan packed to deal with humans and Mom's driving. This is not going to be fun.
E just called. P is in the hospital. They don't know what is wrong with Him. He is out of emergency, and now in a room. K&B are here to help, and also because K is P's next of kin. An ultra sound is scheduled. That is a wait and see issue. E is going to call me later, to either talk, or as me to help out. i am on standby, and am happy with it. i help where i can, and do what i can, when she and He need me. i may be taking care of the kids. i may be driving E to the hospital to visit P. i may even be driving B back to TO. i am prepared to do whatever is needed.
i will also be spending as much time with D as i can. Without P, E can't get there. i will be taking that responsibility over. Not a problem for me. i can handle it. i will just be leaving the MIT home when i go over. i can't have Him going full blown at the hospice again.
So that is my recap. That is my plan, of sorts. That is how my life, which is intertwined with my friends' lives, will be going for the next little while. At least i have a purpose for now. Purpose keeps me here. Purpose and responsibility are the only things keeping me here.
Eve - The MIT went to church with my Mom and Dad. He chose to dress up. He wore the red dress shirt that L&D had given Him last year. He chose to wear black pants (not green) and he chose to wear a Christmas tie. Once He left, i had to force myself into wrapping gifts. i just couldn't find it in me to actually want to do it. i had to do it. i needed to get it done. So i did. grudgingly. i put on a happy face, setting up the cookies, eggnog, and carrots for Santa's visit. (yes my 16 year old still believes. i am a lucky Mom). After the MIT went to bed, i actually wrapped and set-up under the tree, and hung the stockings with care. i finally made it to bed about 2am
Day - i do didn't want to do this. i put off the MIT about opening gifts. He had woken at 4, and i kept Him from hitting the living room until 6:00. We opened gifts together. i took pictures. He took pictures. He totally enjoyed the fact that Santa stole a hedgehog from me. He loved the fact that we found a carrot outside partially eaten. It was a good time. Santa out shone me on one gift. It was fun playing that up. The MIT left for church, dressed in His regular red and green. i was supposed to wrap 2 family gifts. i was supposed to start on the turkey. i had no aluminum wrap. No starting the turkey for me. i went back to sleep. i got a call from my Mom telling me to get up, and get moving on preparing the turkey and having a shower. Eventually i did just that. They all showed up at noon. Food, aluminum wrap, and presents all in toe. i wrapped up the turkey and put it in the oven, hoping 4 hours was good enough.
It was present time. i had Sis wrap Mom's gift, and also her own, since i just couldn't bring myself to do it. i got stuff. Sis got stuff. Dad got stuff. Mom got stuff. Nana and Auntie showed up, and more gifts were exchanged. Mom eventually sent me to bed once Nana, Auntie and Sis had to leave. i got to sleep for an hour. When i got up, the turkey was done. It literally fell apart when i moved it from the roasting pan to the plate. Wings, legs, and 1/2 the carcass fell off. i guess i did really good. From that point, Mom and Dad took over the dinner, and i got to just lie in front of the TV and relax. Overall, it was a good day. i survived. i made it. i lived through it. All good, i guess.
Boxing day - Today the MIT is already watching 2 new DVD's. i am sitting here typing on the computer with the NCIS marathon is on in the background. i get to go out with my Mom shopping, while the MIT and Dad get to spend quiet time together. i have adivan packed to deal with humans and Mom's driving. This is not going to be fun.
E just called. P is in the hospital. They don't know what is wrong with Him. He is out of emergency, and now in a room. K&B are here to help, and also because K is P's next of kin. An ultra sound is scheduled. That is a wait and see issue. E is going to call me later, to either talk, or as me to help out. i am on standby, and am happy with it. i help where i can, and do what i can, when she and He need me. i may be taking care of the kids. i may be driving E to the hospital to visit P. i may even be driving B back to TO. i am prepared to do whatever is needed.
i will also be spending as much time with D as i can. Without P, E can't get there. i will be taking that responsibility over. Not a problem for me. i can handle it. i will just be leaving the MIT home when i go over. i can't have Him going full blown at the hospice again.
So that is my recap. That is my plan, of sorts. That is how my life, which is intertwined with my friends' lives, will be going for the next little while. At least i have a purpose for now. Purpose keeps me here. Purpose and responsibility are the only things keeping me here.
Saturday, November 08, 2008
A Week from today
the MIT, my Dad and i will be camping. We will be out in the "wild", hiding out in a tent. It is currently 3C outside. Yes, we will be camping in a tent. Yes we will have the heater with us. Yes i will be packing enough blankets to supply an entire family of 7. Yes we will be having fun.
Things have been weird around here. The MIT has been getting angry at a lot of different things. He even got in trouble at school over it. He has been having more and more episodes with no muscles. He has been having more and more absent seizures. He did do something new. He lied to me. Straight faced, full lied. i am so proud. It is a stage He has missed up until now. He actually did it twice. i kept my wits about me. i didn't fall for the lies. He did learn that i wouldn't put up with lying. We will be going to the seating clinic this week. He desperately needs a new wheelchair. Heck, he is using it more and more, it should at least fit His butt.
i have been spending some time with D. E asked if D was getting any worse, in my eyes. i did tell her what i truly thought. E looked like she needed to hear my truthful observations. i hope i didn't hurt her with them. i did say that D was declining physically, but cognitively, she was still there. Yes it would take her a while to get to where her thoughts really were, but she still got there. D and i have secret plans. It will take a couple weeks to fulfill them, but we will do it. It is kind of my present to her and to E. i wish i could help E more. i know i can't. She is in a yucky space. A space where people are invading her living space and her safe place. A space where her mind and emotions need to hide. A space where she is watching someone she loves decline before her eyes. She is hitting the guilt phase. The feeling like she isn't strong enough to handle what she is going through. The feeling of being tired all the time. The feeling that she doesn't have her grown-up support there for her. i know those feelings. i just can't fix them for her. She needs to feel them and she will. Slowly. There is no way to prepare for what is to come.
On my front, the lump is bigger. You can now see it if i take my shirt off. i can feel it when i brush crumbs off my shirt. i did call the doctor about it, and she is going to look at it again when i see her at my normal appointment on Thursday. It is probably a cyst, just not one that they could read right on the mammogram or ultrasound. i am going to ask for either a biopsy or a fluid needle test. i need to know what this is, or what this isn't so i can just keep going forward with life. i need to know if this is going to be something else to beat. i just need to know.
Things have been weird around here. The MIT has been getting angry at a lot of different things. He even got in trouble at school over it. He has been having more and more episodes with no muscles. He has been having more and more absent seizures. He did do something new. He lied to me. Straight faced, full lied. i am so proud. It is a stage He has missed up until now. He actually did it twice. i kept my wits about me. i didn't fall for the lies. He did learn that i wouldn't put up with lying. We will be going to the seating clinic this week. He desperately needs a new wheelchair. Heck, he is using it more and more, it should at least fit His butt.
i have been spending some time with D. E asked if D was getting any worse, in my eyes. i did tell her what i truly thought. E looked like she needed to hear my truthful observations. i hope i didn't hurt her with them. i did say that D was declining physically, but cognitively, she was still there. Yes it would take her a while to get to where her thoughts really were, but she still got there. D and i have secret plans. It will take a couple weeks to fulfill them, but we will do it. It is kind of my present to her and to E. i wish i could help E more. i know i can't. She is in a yucky space. A space where people are invading her living space and her safe place. A space where her mind and emotions need to hide. A space where she is watching someone she loves decline before her eyes. She is hitting the guilt phase. The feeling like she isn't strong enough to handle what she is going through. The feeling of being tired all the time. The feeling that she doesn't have her grown-up support there for her. i know those feelings. i just can't fix them for her. She needs to feel them and she will. Slowly. There is no way to prepare for what is to come.
On my front, the lump is bigger. You can now see it if i take my shirt off. i can feel it when i brush crumbs off my shirt. i did call the doctor about it, and she is going to look at it again when i see her at my normal appointment on Thursday. It is probably a cyst, just not one that they could read right on the mammogram or ultrasound. i am going to ask for either a biopsy or a fluid needle test. i need to know what this is, or what this isn't so i can just keep going forward with life. i need to know if this is going to be something else to beat. i just need to know.