Hanging by a thread

That is how I have been feeling lately.  Like I am hanging by a thread, and more and more weight is pulling, and pulling me to the point where I just can't hold on any longer.

First it was TJ in emergency.  Second was Charlie getting neutered.  Third was Charlie eating the razor.  Forth was TJ's change in his room (will talk about this) Fifth was TJ not eating (will talk about this).  Sixth was the washing machine breaking. Seventh was the van needing making grinding noises when breaking (will talk about this also).  Eighth was the van going in and the estimate for that (will talk about).  Ninth was Dad "fixing" my washing machine (will talk about).  Tenth is my Mom yelling at me at every turn.

So, on the 16th, Mom and Dad came over and put a new TV in TJ's room.  That should have been no big deal.  The big deal was that Dad needed my help to install the TV and digital cable box.  It just wouldn't work.  Add Mom being bossy, Charlie needing help, and TJ watching "on demand" all at the same time, and me feeling like I being pulled in so many directions.  I had to actually yell about someone taking Charlie out of the house for a short bit, so I could actually help Dad.

On the 17th (and partly the 16th) TJ decided that his stomach hurt / was upset and he couldn't eat.  He was still drinking, but wouldn't eat anything.  It was thought that he gave eating up for lent, but that wasn't really what happened.  He has stopped telling us when his head is hurting, because none of me medications he can take, help his head.  Going along with this, migraines make his stomach yucky. Tuesday I was really scared.  Kept TJ home Wednesday (the 23, turned out to be a snow day) so I could take him to the doctor's.  That was a flop, so I kept him home on Thursday (24) and was able to get him seen.  The doctor gave him Boost.  I have convinced TJ that Boost is a medicine lie what they gave Charlie after his surgery, to coat the stomach, and make it feel better.  Since drinking the first bottle Thursday at lunch, TJ has had pizza Thursday night, oatmeal and hot chocolate Friday morning, his second dose of Boost and pizza for lunch on Friday, and pigged out at my Nana's house.  So I am feeling much better about all that.

Wednesday (the 23) morning I put a load in the washing machine, and it broke.  The agitator stopped.  I told my parents.  Dad decided he wanted to come over and fix it. So I now have TJ home from school, and Dad here, along with caring for Charlie.  TJ is settled in his room, so he isn't a problem, but Charlie still needs to stay out of Dad's way, and be kept happy. Eventually, Dad figures out the part that is the problem (4 hours later) and so we clean up the kitchen so Charlie can run free, but TJ is still home and the nurse is supposed to be here, so I can take Charlie out for a walk.  Nurse cancels, because she has had a car accident.  I get yelled at Mom for not being nice to Dad, and then hung up on when Mom doesn't like that I put the phone to Dad's ear to tell her I have been nice, and I am stressed.  No walk for Charlie or for me.  Hanging by a thread.

Thursday I am supposed to see Karen.  Instead, that is the time I can take TJ in to see the doctor.  Doctor gives us the magic Boost.  I call Karen to cancel, and start crying on the phone because everything is feeling like a weight on me.  Take TJ to the doctor.  Solve the eating problem because I am still able to manipulate TJ, and then Dad takes my van in to get an estimate.  I give him the instructions on what ODSP needs if they are going to help pay for the repairs.  3 hours later, Dad finally goes and picks-up the van, and brings back a copy of the fax they sent.  It doesn't have my name on it.  That has to be on it for ODSP to consider it.  Call ODSP, then call Ford back, and have them re-fax the estimate.

Today (Friday 25), TJ goes to school and me more relaxed because he ate breakfast.  I have a dentist appointment, go and then come home.  Dad now comes over to fix the washing machine.  This kills my schedule with Charlie, and means Charlie is on leash in the house.  Dad takes from 1:30 - 4:30 to get the job done, but while working on it, another part falls out, and Dad gets hurt.  Mom calls I am frustrated because it feels like the washer won't get fixed and is actually getting worse.  She calls and starts yelling at me. TJ comes home.  Mom calls again, talks to TJ, asks to talk to me, yells at me and I hang up.  Mom comes to pick-up TJ and tells me how frustrated she was when she was yelling at me, and I explain how frustrated I was when she was yelling at me, and Dad says we are all done with it, and Mom walks away saying "I don't think so".
Dad comforts me.  The washer is working (then we find 2 screws - don't ask). He leaves, and I run a load through the machine.  Charlie and I have dinner, and then we lie down on my bed and fall asleep.  TJ comes home early from karate (I didn't answer the phone when Mom called to let me know this is happening).  I put Charlie in his crate (since it is crate time) and stay lying in bed until 10:45 when I finally put TJ to bed.

And so now, I am awake. I will be heading back to bed soon.  I need to make sure I am ok for taking Charlie over to Mom and Dad's for play time tomorrow.

The good news is, I have not done any problem behaviour.  I have really wanted to.  I mean, really, really want to. Even right now, I would love to cut.  I would love to just take enough pills to not wake-up tomorrow.  I would even add booze to the pills.  I am not doing this.  I am sleeping a lot (not a good thing) but I am not doing any problem behaviour.  Karen says that is a good thing.  I have also been effective during all of this.  I have called ODSP about the van.  I have taken TJ to the doctor.  I have hit or killed anyone.  My washer is fixed.  TJ is "fixed".  Soon the van will be fixed.  I guess that means the DBT therapy is working.  I hate that I am crying so much.  I hate that I can't just push my feelings aside and become that robot I used to be.  It feels like it makes my thread a little thinner.

Thelma is scheduled to come tomorrow. 

Earth day is tomorrow, and I intend to celebrate it the same way I always do. Candles and a fire out back.  Maybe that will help me to relax and start to feel normal again.

Control / Perfection issues

So I am still having problems walking Charlie.  I am so frustrated, I have made calls to different trainers.  They all cost hundreds of dollars.  I can't afford that, so I keep trudging along hoping I am doing ok at this.  In the house, he has calmed so much, and I have full control.  Outside, in the front and beyond, not the same story.

I talked to my Mom about this.  She reminded me of how I was obsessed with making sure I was a perfect Mom to TJ.  That I didn't (and still don't) want to be what most people see as a single Mother.  What most people see as a mother of a disabled child.  That I have to appear perfect.  That if he acted out in public, I was horrified.  I felt like (and still do) a really bad mother, and what everyone thinks of, when they hear about a single mom.

She is right.  I want to be perfect at this.  I want his life (Charlie's) and TJ's life to be what they deserve.  They deserve to be happy and to not show any form of contention.  I don't like hearing from others how to raise either of them.  I don't like hearing how I need to just be me and back off a little.  I don't like hearing how they would do it, if it was them. 

I don't like hearing it, because they have no idea what it is like to be in my shoes.  They have no idea how hard it is to balance (with TJ) a sense of perfection, and a sense of self.  They have no idea how hard it is to get a puggle to walk on a leash with a bad back from lifting and moving TJ around.  They all just have no idea.

Add to that, my insane need to be perfect and in control.  Yes Charlie has come a long way from where he was when he first got here, but I feel like he should be walking so much better on a leash.  The fact that I saw a boy about 10 years old, walking a puppy without any problems, doesn't help. 

I hate doubting myself, but that is where I am again tonight.  Full of doubt, and looking for control and perfection.

Life goes on

Yesterday, I drove Joseph part way to the bus station, before he pissed me off even more, because he lied to me again.

Last weekend, I caught Joseph in a really big lie.  Money related, manipulative, bald face lie.  I gave him another chance.  Saturday, he lied again.  It was a stupid, little lie, but still a lie.  One that cost me money again.  Was totally disrespectful.  I realized he wasn't worth my respect, time, love or anything.  I told him to put on his shoes and that he was going home.  On the way to the bus station, he said that it was my fault that TJ was going to be upset.  That I was causing TJ pain because I was breaking up with Joseph.  That was when I pulled over and kicked him out of the car, and didn't care how he got home at that point.

Today, I am proud of myself.  I stood up for myself.  I decided I deserve more than being lied to.  I decided I deserve more than just someone who says they love me, verses someone that shows me they love and respect me.  That is how much I have come to love myself.  How much I like myself. 

I cooked up a bunch of meat, and now have meals ready for over a week.  I did go out and buy a cake, but came home and threw it out before having any. (Yay to not doing maladaptive behaviour!!!) I have gotten down to almost what I weighed when I got out of hospital back in March.  I am going to keep going that way.  It makes my back feel better when I am lighter.  That and the prepared meals, and I am good to go. 

I am proud of myself.  I am happy.  I don't need anyone else in my life, and am not going to look for it anymore.  If someone falls into my lap, and they treat me the way I deserve, than maybe I will consider it.  Until then, I am holding my head high.

On the day and on time

Today was not such a good day.  So many things were happening.  Most were just in my head.  Doesn't matter, it was still too much.

TJ was full blown most of today.  That is stressful enough.  Add in his shallow breathing, and his not having any "grownup" doctors and not knowing what hospital they would take him to, if I had to call 911.  Add not having guardianship.  Add dishes filling my sink.  Add financial stuff.  All equals an overwhelmed me. 

I called my Mom for help, when I was at my worst.  Problem is, I haven't gotten much better.  I didn't do any of the yucky behaviour.  I even turned away food (food I shouldn't have).  Even now, I am feeling like nothing is going right.  Just feel like everything, and I mean everything, is on my shoulders. 

Right now I am sitting here, crying for no reason.  Crying because...hell, I don't even know why.  Just plain crying.  I guess it is a buildup of emotions that I have no control over.  Maybe I shouldn't have any control over them.  Maybe I should just let them out.  Maybe that will help.

Doesn't matter now.  Time to go to bed. 

On a streak

Hey, a post about today, actually posted today.  I am proud of myself.  Then again, I don't have much to say.  I am getting tired.  Tired of always being on the lookout for how I am feeling.  Tired of always trying to keep my calm, and deal with how I feel.  Maybe I am just hiding how I feel with all this being conscious about what I am doing.

Off to bed.  Tomorrow nights post should be much better.

Sleep sounds good right now.

What is going on

i know i haven't written here in a long time. i have been away from the computer. i have been ignoring it. i haven't had the energy or need to be here. i have had a lot of things going on.


The MIT is doing good, but not. His balance is way off. He had 6 days in a row of lost muscle tone and cluster seizures. He is better now. It all happened after Christmas, but before and during New Years. He is scheduled for a day video EEG on Thursday. Hopefully the EEG will show what kind of seizures He is having, if He is having any that day. At least the last 2 days He has walked off the bus. That is progress.

He is also maturing. He had an issue with a teacher on Monday, and He came home telling me to call His resource teacher. He knew something wasn't right about the situation, and He was correct. His resource teacher is wonderful and helped Him out the next day with active solutions to what He could do next time.

Monday is the anniversary of D's death. i don't know how i actually feel about that. i am going through the same sort of memories i hold about Mike's death. Remembering what happened this day last year. What i wish i could change about last year. The guilt of not going to see her on the 9th last year. i know for E it is more difficult. i know she is trying to not set herself up for feeling anything, and maybe ignoring the whole thing, but i also know how unrealistic that is. i will be there for her. If she needs me, she will call. i will call her this weekend and check in with her. Monday, i may be no use to her. i am going to be a little busy.

Now me. Around the 5th of Dec, part of my leg went numb. Shortly after that, part of my arm went numb. Later i stubbed my toe to the point of bleeding, and i didn't feel it. Now, most of my leg and vulva are numb. At Christmas i lost some hearing . Then i lost some sight. All on my left side. i have bouts of incontinence, and not just the liquid kind. All of this adds up to me getting to see a neurologist on Monday. i haven't looked up all this stuff on the internet. i have pushed it away during the "holidays". Now, it is full in my face. There are other things. Stuff i haven't told anyone until now.


Typing is hard. i can't feel the keys with all my fingers. Spelling is hard. Not just typos. Words i know how to spell, being spelled wrong, and nothing i can do about it, but go back and retype and spell it wrong again. It usually takes me 3-4 times to type the word write. Plus it happens when i am just plain writing on paper. It is hard for me to sometimes make the words look right.

Speaking is frustrating. i can hear myself pronounce words wrong, and using the wrong word. In my brain, it isn't wrong. i only really know it is wrong when i see the look on some one's face, or they ask me what i mean. Even the MIT is correcting me.

i can't drive. i have no peripheral vision on my right side. i am scared to drive. What if something else happens. (case in point, i cut my finger on my right hand and didn't feel it when it happened) i walk into walls when i turn a corner because i didn't see where i was in relationship to the wall.

i am scared. Very very scared. Monday i will have to explain everything that is going on with my body. Monday i will have to face a neurologist about me. Monday i am worried i will be told it is nothing. Monday i am worried i will be told it is something serious. Right now, there is no "in between" for me. i can only see the answers from the doctor being all or nothing.

i am just plain scared.

Here, but not here

i know i have been sounding kind of chipper lately, and i am, in a way. i am also not wanting to isolate myself. i am not wanting to hide under my rock. i am just not in the mood for certain things right now.

Sitting at the computer playing games just isn't in my blood right now. i just don't feel the pull to it. Sitting on the couch, and reading the paper, or sitting on my bed and colouring, those are things i want to do. Going for a drive and finding a nice place to walk around would be great.

Today my mind is on camping. It is Wednesday. i really want to go on Friday. i can't afford it though. It is very likely i won't be able to go. Instead i will just be home alone. No fire. No birds flying around me. No squirrels chasing each other around. No quiet skies full of stars. No sound of wood burning. No shivering as i sit around the fire. Damn i want to go really bad.

i haven't done my decorating yet. i fell more like sitting and doing nothing. Pouting about this weekend.

Numb

It has been a week since i posted. A week since the funeral. Two weeks since her death. i still think about her every day. my heart skips a beat when i drive past the hospice. i keep thinking i should be in there with her. We should be scooting outside for a smoke, watching TV or talking about the staff. i am a friend. E must have it worse.

On Thursday E's daughter took me to the movies for her birthday. We saw Twilight. It was ok. What was better was the fact that she asked me. E didn't want to see it before she read the book, and i have already read it, and she thought of me. She even invited me to her birthday dinner on the Friday night. i wasn't able to go to that. Between therapy and tooth pain, i just didn't have the stamina.

Therapy was me feeling numb and not wanting to feel anything but that. The session was all factually. No feelings were discussed. Sandy said i needed that to breath. A chance to breath from the pain and loss and feeling. i can't feel numb right now. Every time one of the flowers withers, i cry. i save it and i cry at its loss. i cry as it represents to me, another part of her going away. The MIT has been home all week. It is exam time and He is home. We have been watching Smallville most of the week. He doesn't like to see me cry, so i have been hiding those feelings from Him.

Now for the tooth. i have been having tooth pain for a few weeks. It went away when i was on the antibiotics for strep. It came back. It got so bad, i actually stood at the door of the dentist Monday morning before they opened. i ended up coming home after a root canal. Can you say ouch? The only pain killer i am on is ibuprofen. Like that is a big help. On top of that, i have strep again, so i am on antibiotics for both the tooth thing and the throat.

i am really starting to hate January. Almost as much as i hate May.

Let's get it over with already!

It is the early morning of Christmas Eve. i am up and begrudging it. i really don't want to celebrate this year. i am not feeling it. All i am feeling is anxiety, tired, stress, depressed. i just want to curl up under the covers and hide. Yesterday was hell. i couldn't catch a break. i have found that if a wrench is thrown into my plans, i just can't handle it.

Here was the plan. First, i had to head out and go get my Sis some money to take the MIT to get his hair done. Then off to the doctor. After the doctor, i was going to head off the Walmart, then Fortinos, then Day/Night pharmacy. Home to get the newly blond MIT, wrap some gifts, and get a shower. Off to see D at the hospice, then to E&P's to drop off gifts. Head home again, and actually relax until it was time for my Mom to get the MIT for karate. Get some of His gifts wrapped, call M, La and baby girl and invite them over for either Christmas eve or Saturday. Tidy-up for when the nurse and MIT get here. Head off and get smokes. That was the plan. Here is what really happened.

i am up and ready to go. It is time to get moving. First stop, bank machine for my Sis. i get out and into the van, and it wouldn't start. i had to call CAA and get a jump. The estimated time of CAA coming was an hour. i had to be at the doctor's office for 9:30 (i thought). Let the panic attack begin. i needed that appointment. After making a bunch of calls, and still waiting for CAA, i realized my appointment was changed to 10. OK, i could breath. As long as CAA actually showed up before 9:45. Another save. CAA arrived just after 9. Ok, time to breath again. Van got a jump, and off i went to get my Sis money. Then off to the doctor.

When you are stressed, and having a panic attack (or trying not to have a panic attack), drivers that hug your bumper, drivers that can't make up their minds about where they are going, and drivers that like to go over the yellow line when turning, drive you nuts. Stress increasing. Nerves on edge. i was f**ked. i got to the doctor's office and was a mess. i couldn't sit still. i kept digging my nails into my bicep. i broke down and cried. The doctor just looked at me and listened to me and watched me fall to pieces. She even suggested she admit me to get my meds and emotions under control. Nope, i have to much to do over the next few days. So, i left the doctor's office, script for meds in hand, and headed off to my next stop.

Walmart on the day before the day before Christmas. What the hell was i thinking. i couldn't do it. i got one look at the parking lot, and tried to figure out how many people would be in there and just couldn't do it. Panic attack activate!!! (private joke) i didn't even stop. i drove out of the parking lot, and headed to the drug store. i knew i had to get my meds. i went to the pharmacy, and found a parking spot. i saw my Sis's car. Good, they were still busy. Dropped off my script and headed to the hair place.

Different people do hair different ways. L used to do the MIT's hair. That won't work now, so Sis took the MIT to Haircrafters. Yeah, no where close to the treatment He got from L. He was not a happy boy. Sis talked me down a bit, and i was able to get some stuff at the pharmacy from my "still to get" list, along with my pop, and some stocking stuffers. Took all that to the van, and then went back to get my meds. Headed home and waited for the MIT to return.

In my head, i wasn't done. i still wanted to get the rest of my list finished. i wanted (and felt like i needed) to go and visit D with the MIT, and then P&E's. So, once He arrived, that is what we planned to do. We wrapped gifts, and got out the house. Got to D's and spent only a few minutes with her, when the MIT lost His right side. We started to leave (didn't want to get stranded with the MIT going full blown at the hospice). We got to a set of chairs just before the kitchen, and had to stop. The MIT went full blown. We sat there. Waited. A Santa walked by. People looked and said "hello" to the MIT and me. One nurse asked if He was ok. Gave the "yes, this is normal for Him" response. Waited. i ended up calling my Dad to come and bring us the MIT's wheelchair so we could make it home before 4. The MIT didn't get any movement back until after 6. That blew the entire day away. By the time the nurse showed up, i was in no shape to head off for smokes. i just couldn't do it.

Yesterday was hell in my head. Today i feel like a failure. i feel even more stress because i have more piled on me today. my list of "To Do" has grown since i couldn't get done, what i wanted to yesterday. It is raining. i hate the rain. i would rather have snow. i want to just cancel everything. No family. No presents. No expectations. No stress. No full blown. No anxiety. i just want it all to be over.

But it can't be. Not yet. Today i have to (in no particular order) gift wrap, go to Walmart, get smokes, do dishes, clean the house, make cookies for Santa, send the MIT off with my Sis, find eggnog for Santa, vacuum, get gifts and cookies to P&E's, do laundry, shovel, and smile while i do it.

i am so ready to get this over with.

i thought i was over it

So, a post about what happened with L&d. i think it is about time. It all happened in October. Well, it came to a head in October. It started before that. i am not completely sure, since they didn't talk to me about it. i only know what broke the camel's back. i only know about my actions. i can not comment on their perception of the events, as they have never talked to me about it. So this is my take on it.

In August, i made a decision that i would be a part of summer camp as a demo helper. This was when i was the odd man out. i was the only one of our "group" that was single. i decided that i didn't want to be totally alone during camp, and decided that volunteering for play would be a good way for me to feel involved and not so alone. i know the "group" didn't really approve, but i knew i could handle it. i knew that i wanted to do it. i knew that i wasn't in the mood to get their approval, after they had kept me on the back burner for so long. At camp, things were fine. So i thought.

After camp, i kept in touch with L&d. i called at least once a week, to stay in contact. i emailed them and sent them messages. This had been an issue in the past as far as they were concerned, so i thought i could keep their friendship by doing what they wanted. i never got a call back. i never got an email back. The only time i heard from them, was when D's health issue came to light, and they wanted information. Still i kept up the calls.

When i found the lump in my breast, in September, i tried to talk to them about it. i called and called. i kept trying to talk to them about it, because i didn't think P&E could handle it. i tried. Still nothing from them. They were my friends, but they wouldn't call. They wouldn't talk to me. i had to deal with it all on my own. One day, i couldn't and i posted it in my status on Facebook. Not the right way to deal, but the only outlet i had. i felt like i had no support. i felt like the two people i could talk to about it had let me down. So i lashed out. That was the straw.

The venom that was sent to me, over that tiny mistake, was over the top. It was hurtful and so full of anger. It was painful, at a time when i needed support. L&d lashed out at me on behalf of P&E, and D. E forgave me that night. L&d couldn't. Since then, i have had no contact with them. They couldn't even see me to bring me back my stuff. i now know that the "straw" was an excuse to not continue the friendship on their part. i know i did what i could to keep the friendship going. i called at least once a week, to stay in contact. i emailed them, and sent them messages. Never a call back, and never a message back. They were freezing me out, and when i needed them the most. In October, i told the doctor about it. She was sending me for a mammogram. It was booked within 3 days from when i told the doctor about it. i was freaking because everything was happening so fast. i still called them, hoping to be able to talk to them about it. Nothing from them. Then, i "announced to the world" what was going on with me, they jumped down my throat. They never voiced concern over my health. They never contacted me to find out the results.

Geeze, i thought i was over it. i guess i am not. i am still angry at them. They blamed me for not being a good friend and i was the one that was trying so hard to keep them close to me, and then, when i found the lump in my breast, they just put me down for the way i handled how i was feeling, after trying to reach out to them so often to talk to someone about it, and they blew me off.

That really hurt. It still hurts. i thought they cared about me. i thought they liked me. i thought they were there for me. i guess i thought wrong. Hell, i know now how wrong i was. i was pursuing a friendship they had already decided wasn't worth it. Why couldn't they just tell me before, so i didn't feel so alone. Why couldn't they just let it go, and tell me they couldn't do it anymore instead of stringing me along and leaving me out in the cold when i needed them so much? God they really hurt me. They let me down, with no consideration of my feelings.

That isn't a friendship. Friendship is considering how others feel, and not letting them down when you don't agree with them, and accepting that people make mistakes, and telling them when they are pissing you off, and not holding grudges. They weren't my friends. i was a person they could string along, and keep close when they wanted, but ignore and throw away when it was no longer convenient for them. It is nice to know i don't have to work so hard at that friendship anymore, or live up to expectations that are unreachable and weren't even reciprocated.

So, that is the story, from my perspective, of how the friendship ended. i am sure they have a different perspective. There is always another side to each story. i don't know what their side is, because they have never talked to me about it. They have never said what it was that made them stop calling me back. They never said what precipitated all the anger they later threw my way. i know i will never know for sure what it was that started their silent treatment. All i know is what happened after i announced my lump.

On the lump front, i have had a mammogram, i have had two ultrasounds, i have had a biopsy. The biopsy came back benign. It is a lipoma. The result finally came back on the 12th. If it changes, we start the journey again to find out if the diagnosis changes.

The First Snow...while camping!!!!

So this past week has been difficult. i have been having panic attacks every day. i can't seem to make it out of the house. i have been finding excuses to not go out. i have been cooking, cleaning, making things "perfect" here, so i feel safe and in control. i am needing the feeling of control. Without it i just plain brake down. i didn't really know how i would handle camping, but i did ok.

We arrived Friday. No rain while we set-up camp. i was able to have a fire and get the stew warming up in the dutch oven. After dinner, i started to prepare to do dishes, and we hit a bump in our plans. We found out there was no water at the site. We had to come up with some quick solutions. We figured it out, and then the rain started. Quick get into the tent. We had a nice quiet night hanging out in the tent. The MIT and Dad watched DVD's and i read my book. We ended up settling for the night around 7:00. At 1:30am, we were woken up to loud music. i took a walk to the offending site and asked them to turn it down. They were very polite. We all returned to the tent and went back to sleep.


Saturday morning we found the second bump in our camping adventure. We found out the tent was leaking. The floor of the tent was soaking wet. The picture is of Dad building a trench around the tent, in the hopes of shifting the water from around the it. i lifted the sleeping bags and kept the heater going so they could try and dry out. i sealed the seam in the bottom of the tent. That we could live with. Then we hit the third bump. Dad had forgotten to tell me to bring my grill from my BBQ. Off to Hamilton i drove. Then the fourth bump, my period started. Ok, not that great a weekend so far. i returned to the site and i made chicken noodle soup from scratch for lunch. First cooking experience for me again. It turned out really nicely. Especially since it was raining. The MIT spent the day watching DVD's under the awning of the tent, and i kept watch on the tent and sleeping bags drying. By the time Dad made dinner (Smokey bacon wrapped shrimp) i thought the tent was dry enough for us all to be able to climb back in and settle where it was dry and warm. i was wrong.

(MIT eating Smokey Bacon Wrapped Shrimp)

Turned out, while we ate dinner, and while we watched DVD's, the bottom of the tent was still leaking, and all the sleeping bags were soaking wet again. We did piles of blankets and sheets to sleep on, and we did the best we could. i had a mini break down at that point, because i kept feeling that if either Dad or the MIT complained, i had to fix it. And then, because i couldn't fix it, no one would enjoy the time we had together. i voiced this and was told (well sort of, we ended up joking about it quickly) that i was not Mother Nature, and the little bumps added to the adventure. We bedded down around 7:00 again, and slept on and off during the night.

When we woke up on Sunday, we were greeted with snow covering our stuff. (Yes bump number 5). i truly lost it. i couldn't figure out how to do dishes (the propane stove had gotten wet during all the rain, and wouldn't light properly), how to pack things up, how to make dinner, and was completely lost and panicky. We fixed this with me telling my Dad that i wanted to just pack everything up, and head to my place for breakfast and the rest of the camping day. Dad agreed (since He was huddling around the fire for any form of warmth)........

and the MIT huddled in the wet tent, trying to keep warm.
The MIT agreed, and we packed up everything in less than 1 hour. We were out of there. It was just snowing so much. Yeah, the weather report said it was possible, but we had avoided the predicted weather so many times, i just didn't count on it actually happening. All the dirt dishes went into one bin, all the other stuff went into the other. Sopping wet sleeping bags laid on the tops of the wet and frozen bins. Mud tracked in and out of the van. It was a mad dash. As we were leaving, we were hit with a flurry.
We got to my place and started to unpack stuff. We had our traditional pancakes for breakfast, with coffee for the boys. i hung the sleeping bags in my shower. i did dishes and unpacking. The boys watched TV. After we had all dried off, and everything was basically out of the van, i drove Dad and the MIT to Dad's house. They were to spend the rest of the day there. It gave me a break. Once the van was unloaded with all of Dad's stuff, plus the wet and muddy tent, i headed back to my place and tried to warm up and dry out. This was hard, considering i didn't have the use of my shower or tub because of the sleeping bags.

Overall, it was a good weekend. i made it harder on myself than i should have. i didn't have to fix everything, but i needed that feeling of being in control. It took 3 days to figure out i can't compete with Mother Nature, and can't control everything. This doesn't mean i am over my panic. i still only feel safe here, in my home.

Here where i can control things. i don't know how i am going to "get over it" but i will have to figure something out. i can't just stay in the house all day, every day. There are things i have to do in life. There are things that are essential to being able to live. There is Yule and then Christmas to prepare for.

Waiting....

i am sitting here watching the clock. i have an appointment in 2 hours with the doctor to discuss the results of my mammogram and ultrasound. 2 hours to wait and worry. 2 hours to get a shower, get dressed, and then leave for the doctor's to hear if everything is normal, i have a cyst, calcium deposit, or growth that needs to be biopsied. 2 hours. Not enough time to hide under the covers. Not enough energy to go and get groceries. Too much time to think and think and think.

Think about the what ifs. Think about how i feel. Think about how i will react. Think about what will happen next. Think about how the MIT will feel. Think about how my parents will feel. Think about how my friends will feel.

i also lost 2 friends this past week. Not because of death, but because of how i handled my fear. They got mad about how i reacted to the fear i was feeling. They got mad about how others were being made to feel, without talking to them. They decided things about me. i have decided things about them. i have decided that they have rules that they expect others to live by, but not live that way themselves. i have decided i don't need to work so hard to keep friends. Those that truly care about me, and are friends of mine, understand me, and let me live how i please, knowing that i don't break their confidences, or purposely act to hurt them. Those that truly are my friends, know me, help me, and are there for me, just as i know them, help them, and are there for them. i am sad i am loosing people i thought cared for me so much, but am less stressed, knowing i don't have to live up to expectations they don't even hold up themselves.

What saddens me most about the situation is the MIT. He is mad. He misses them. He misses A. He says that they acted like Him. Mad about something and not able to let it go or talk about it. He talked about how they "lied" about forgiving me before. He talked about how He did that with Mr. B. at karate. He understands that they don't hate Him, and aren't mad at Him, but He knows the friendship has changed, and it does affect how often they will and how willing they will be to see Him, with them being mad at me. i like how "grown-up" He is getting.

He knows what is happening with me. He knows about the appointment and we have talked about what we are hoping the doctor will say. He is scared i will die, like others in my Mom's family, or like others from His church. He is scared how things will change if it isn't nothing or isn't a cyst.

i made Him come with me to see D and E and P. He likes that D is like Him. He likes that someone else He knows forgets words, slurs, or is shaky. He feels like He isn't alone so much in what He experiences. He understands how serious D's condition is, but He feels connected to her. He says D will be waiting to greet Him when He dies, along with Papa. He thinks D and Papa will be friends in heaven. He likes that idea. He liked that everyone was bald. He doesn't want me to go bald.

The MIT is having more seizures. He seized at school yesterday. He fell 5 times in a 1 1/2 hour period on Tuesday. He forgets more and more words. This morning He was so pale when He woke up. His condition is getting more and more unstable. Both with the way His balance is, and with His health. More seizures is a bad thing. More falling is a bad thing. i keep looking forward and i see Him spending more and more and more time in His wheelchair. He already is. He doesn't spend an entire day out of it, or without loosing muscle tone. Sure we don't use it much here at home, but even here He spends more and more time without a side working. It is a daily norm now.

Wow, i have now spent an entire 1/2 hour writing. That means only 1 hour before i leave to see the doctor. That means i have 1 1/2 hours before i see the doctor. That means 1 1/2 hours before i find out what the lump is.

My week in hell

So, this week has been rough. It actually started 3 weeks ago. That is when i felt a lump.

Monday - wasn't so bad a day.


Tuesday - the MIT came home really angry. So angry, he was starting to hurt Himself. i ended up giving Him an ativan. Man that made Him dopey and wobbly. At least He calmed down and didn't hurt either of us. i made the decision to not let Him go to karate because of it.


Wednesday - the MIT was full blown at school, seized, and came home the way he left school. He came home, i carried Him to the couch and he ended up sleeping for 2 hours. Even after that, He was dopey, and couldn't remember words or names or other stuff.


Thursday - all was well, until i got home from E's place. The visit there was nice. i got to see D. She had a problem remembering my name, but it came to her eventually. She is going downhill fast. It is hard to watch. E is feeling the strain of it being such a drawn out process. i know exactly how she feels. When i did get home, i smelled something burning. It was my computer.

Friday - computer still wasn't working. Had my Dad come over, and we determined it was the power supply. He went to get the replacement, and i went to my doctor's appointment. My blood pressure was low, my weight was down, and my cholesterol is up. i told her about the lump i had found. She felt it also. She is sending me for an ultrasound and a mammogram. When i got home, Dad greeted me at the door. i could smell something burning again. That was when i was greeted with this.....and then to this...... Yes both pictures are of the damage my flaming motherboard created. i had no more motherboard. Dad had to go out and buy me a tower, with a new motherboard and duo processor. Of course that couldn't be picked up until Saturday.

Saturday - today. Today was spent with my Dad putting in to my new tower, my drives and other neat stuff, trying to coordinate my hard drive with the new motherboard, and hoping to the God and Goddess that nothing got erased from my hard drive. i am now up and working. It took me until 10 minutes ago. At least i am back online.

Now time for bed.

10 more days

i am now at the realization that what i am feeling is not sleep deprived, but actually depressed. Deeply depressed. Curl up in a ball, hide from the world, and loose myself depressed. i have been thinking of taking stuff to kill how i am feeling. Drinking, taking drugs, anything to stop feeling.

i am trying to do what i can to not fall so deep into the hole in front of me. i open the blinds every day to let what sun there is, in the house. i get dressed and make my bed every day. i cook every day. i keep up on dishes and laundry. Anything so i can avoid what i am feeling. Yeah, back to old patterns.

i just don't want to feel the gaping hole in my heart and head. i don't want to keep crying myself to sleep. i want to pretend that this isn't a bad month. i want to block all the hurt and pain. i just don't want to feel right now.

Hmmmm......

i feel like i have something to write about, but can't put my finger on what exactly. It is like a post is brewing, but hasn't reached my conscious brain to actually become a reality.

Sunday would have been Mike's and my 7th Collaring anniversary. It would have also been our 8 1/2 year anniversary.

This time of year brings up lots of anniversaries and events. 7 years since the DSSG group started our monthly play parties. P's 50th birthday is coming up, on Saturday to be exact. Exactly one month prior to Mike's birthday, although Mike was older.

i seem a little lost in my brain today. Not depressed, but lost. Lost in memories. Lost in "what-ifs". Lost in "what-nows". Lost in what happens next.

i am still making plans to do more in the "community". i am going to the mixer again this month. i have made possible plans with L to go to an event. i have made possible plans with L&D to go to the craft fair. Making plans are good. Feeling lost in my brain, in memories, not such a good thing. i know, just go with the flow, and let myself feel, what i feel, when i feel it.

So this is me just going with the flow. Not knowing what my posts are actually going to be about, and just typing out stuff. Not knowing what tomorrow will bring, but making plans. Feeling what i feel, as i feel it, even if it isn't very pleasant.

Why tonight?

Why am i missing Him so much tonight? Why are tears running down my face? Why tonight? There is no trigger. Nothing happened differently today. So why tonight? i feel so empty. i feel so alone. i miss Him so completely tonight. i want Him here. i want to be held by Him. i want to smell Him. i want to hear His voice. God i can't even remember what He sounded like. Why this rush of sadness? Why these tears? Why this panic that nothing will work out for me? Why this feeling that i will continue to be alone? i was His damn it. i belonged. i was owned. i was loved. i feel like nothing tonight. i feel empty and alone. i feel like no one will ever want me. i feel like i am set adrift without anyone to catch me. With Him, He would always catch me. There is no one to catch me. No one to want and desire me. No one will ever want me again. i am tainted because i was His. Not in a bad way, but He put on such a front for everyone, that He is hard to live up to. Even in my head. i want Him here so badly. i want to feel His arms around me. i don't want to sleep alone anymore. i don't want to be alone anymore. God i want Him back. i want His collar. i want His love. i want Him. i need Him. But why tonight? Why all this emotion tonight? i just don't understand. i don't know why tonight.

Keeping busy

So, i am trying not to eat when i shouldn't. i am having trouble not eating once i eat a meal. After lunch has been really hard. i am craving chocolate, cake, sweets, meat, cheese, food, food, and more food. i could so go out to the store, even now, to just buy chips, or chocolate, or anything at this point. So i am trying to keep busy instead.

Shovelling has been done. Dishes have been done. Laundry is being done. Vacuuming of the MIT's room has been done. Tidying my room has been done. i am now out of things to do.

i can't go lie down, since the MIT is home. That is my other avenue to keep me from eating. Sleeping. Reading makes me want to snack. Even sitting here makes me want to chow down on something.

i got the munchies, and nothing but will power to fight it.

Sitting and dwelling, and venting

i am sitting here, listening to the sound of the computer hum, and realize there are so many things i want to do.

• i want to start and herb garden in the spring
• i want to buy books on wicca, herbs, and oils
• i want to paint my bathroom
• i want to repot many of my plants as they outgrow their smaller pots
• i want to get a freezer, and actually be able to stock-up on food
• i want to get a Nintendo DS, a Wii, and games, for the MIT for His birthday
• i want to start making things to give people during special occassions

Then i look at my bank account. All i see are little numbers. There are so many things i want to do, but nothing to do them with. Heck, this week i have only enought for tampons (really needed) and waffles for the MIT. After that, nothing for the week after. All that with no money coming in until the 20th. Forget me getting smokes or pop, or anything else that is needed in the house over the next 11 days. At least i have enough bread and ham in the house to be able to send Him to school with lunches.

i am even starting to look around the house for stuff to sell. Yes it is that bad. If only i could get a client, a paying client, booked. Ok, a couple of paying clients. God that would be nice. When will this happen for me?