Mike and Me - Mon, 15 Aug 2005

Thank You for talking me down from the photo copy issue. i am glad i didn't wait until tomorrow night to do it, like i had first planned. Thank You for admitting You can sometimes get jealous. For the longest time i thought there was something wrong with me for being jealous of what You did. Now i know it is normal, and we just need to talk it out. We need to keep letting each other know when we are feeling insecure and figure out how to make each other feel better. i do have a problem. i feel i should be punished. Punished for hurting Your relationship with Bev. Punished for starting smoking. Punished for hating Your chemo treatments. Punished for hating You when You were sick. i know it isn't up to me to decide if i need punishment, but i need some sort of absolution. i can't seem to find it in me to forgive myself, and i keep thinking You are mad at me for all of the above. i know that is where part of the "make me" is coming from. i also know that i do want to give over more control to You, and i know that it may be difficult for You to do it. i am asking that when You have figured out what You don't want control over, to please let me know, so i don't keep expecting it to happen again and again. i really do need to hear You say You want me, and need me. i know it can be irritating to You to have to keep reasuring me. i have felt for the last few months that i had no place in Your life. i guess i am just needing the reminders that You realy do want me, and there is a place for me. Also, thank You for Click. He is sleeping now, and i am sure he will wake me in the morning begging for food, along with TJ. i love You.