Thu, 27 Oct 2005

i need to put this somewhere, where i can't ignore it, so i figured here is a good idea...

To Do Today
Send TJ off to school
go to Fortinos
go to the school (subs for kindergarten)
go to Zarky's
go to the school (subs for the rest of the school)
come home
put groceries away
TJ comes home
make spaghetti
feed TJ
get TJ changed
TJ goes to karate

i contacted Shell, and she will be lending me her corset for Monday. i get to pick it up tomorrow morning. i will be driving to guelph after TJ goes to school tomorrow to pick it up. TJ has agreed to let me wear it at school. HEHEHEHE. Ok, that is about it.

Sun, 23 Oct 2005

Maybe i haven't been clear about what i mean by needing D/s to get into the S/m, so here is a "fantasy" i thought of last night. You call from Your place, saying You will be arriving soon. You tell me to be wearing nothing and to be waiting at the door for You. i can have a blanket to kneel on if i need to, but discomfort gets extra points. We get off the phone and i am left knowing that soon You will arrive. i move to the door and take a blanket with me. Kneeling that long would just plain hurt. i kneel, naked, waiting for Your arrival. When You arrive, You immediatly have me remove Your boots and place Your slippers on You, then You have me stand, remove Your coat, and hang it for You. You then, taking me by the hair, turn me around and kiss me. You stroke my face, and praise me for doing such a good job. You leave me there, as You move to the couch, finding i have put the hockey game on. You kind of laugh knowing it was on for me, but glad just the same. You call me over then, and allow me to sit on the floor and have a smoke. You allow me to watch the game quietly. me always knowing that You are there, that You own me, and that You can do with me as You wish. Every once in a while You say things like, "enjoying the game my slut?" or say "come here and give your Master a kiss". You do let me do my painting, again giving me slight reminders of who i am to You. Eventually it is time for bed. You send me to the bed room to strip, to make sure the covers are tidy and all blankets are on the bed. You have me check the alarm clock so there will be no disturbances. You have me get out the cuffs and have me place them beside the alarm clock. You have me kneel at Your side of the bed, and wait for You to arrive. You have me undress You, using only one hand and my mouth. You enjoy watching me struggle. You make it harder by holding my head still with my hair. There is no threat of punishment, just the idea of struggle. Once You are naked, You slip into bed and order me around to my side. You tell me i can climb into bed. We cuddle and talk. You whisper in my ear that i am to stay in bed all night, and if i don't think i can do that, You will cuff me to the bed. You ask me to make the choice. You ask me which i think i can do. You decide in the end You want me changed, attached to the bed. This is the D/s i am talking about, the D/s i need. i don't need the beatings as much as You think i do. i need the D/s. i need You to take control. i don't need the pain as much as You think. i need to know what it feels like to be at Your feet again. i need to know what it feels like to be Yours again. The pain You inflict is part of it but it is always the same pain. Start of slow and get hard fast and furious. i NEED the D/s. i am submissive. i need to submit. Submitting to pain is one thing, submitting to You is another.

Sat, 22 Oct 2005

You are lying in bed. You have talked about needing a scene. All i really want is a little D/s. We had all night tonight. Telling me to strip might have been a good idea. Chaining me to the bed tonight might have been a good idea. i know the scene You are planning is all going to be about S/m. my head works the S/m better when D/s is involved, and tonight would have been the perfect lead-in. So yes, the poking was trying to illicit a response. Some sort of Domly comment, some sort of Domly attitude, some sort of command. Instead i got the "best way to torture a masochist is to not give them what they want". Too bad i can't be a masochist without being used as a submissive first.

Mike and Me - Sun, 16 Oct 2005

i decided to answer some of these here since i think the answers don't need to be public. 1. Why do things happen to me that don't seem to happen to friends. i don't know. Heck, i don't even know what you mean. What type of things? 2. Why do I feel like I have failed my love ones? i don't know. Maybe it is because You put to much pressure on yourself about things You have no control over, and don't recognize what You do have control over. 3. Why do I feel I can't take time for me? You do take time for You. You have Sunday evenings, Monday nights, and Wednesdays. You chose to have relationships with two families, and that means making time for both those families. It means making sacrifices with Your time. i have to make sacrifices to. i can't count on You being here for a weekend until You tell me You aren't going to go to Kingston. i can't count on spending any time on Sundays with You even when You are here on the weekend. i am basically at Your beck and call. You get to pick and choose when You spend time with TJ and i. You have been picking times to come up when You know TJ is in bed or not here or busy with someone else. So i don't know why You feel like You can't, because You do. You do it all the time. 4. Why do I not feel comfortable with who I am? Maybe You don't like who You are right now. Maybe You have decided You can't handle two families. If that is really the case, i would like to know. i would not like it, and i would be upset, but i would understand. Maybe You are dreading life right now, because You don't know how to live it thinking You are healthy. Maybe You are dreading the fact that everything is going well and You don't think You deserve it. What ever the case, You always do this. We fight, You get all "why me" and i get resentful because i feel like i have been doing all the compromising and holding up my end of the bargain, but You are just sitting back and not doing anything to work on our relationship. 5. Why do I hate the weather this time of year? Because You don't see it as a beginning, or a birth, but as a death. You see it as the trees are dying and the grass is dying, and You don't see it as the trees preparing to give birth to new growth, or the grass preparing to get green again for next year. Maybe it is because it means Christmas is coming and You still don't know what You really believe in. Those are all the questions i am able to answer right now. i know once You read this You are going to get all upset and depressed on me, and i am going to have to make You feel better. i am going to have to build up Your confidence and tell You that You are right and are doing nothing wrong. i almost don't want to post this because doing that takes alot of energy. Energy that i could be using to bake with TJ and play with TJ. Energy i could be using to make myself more confident. Energy i could be using to make things for Christmas for gifts, so i wouldn't have to spend a fortune. It also makes me resentful, that i should have to make You feel better when You have chosen this. You chose to have a wife and family in Kingston and chose to have me and TJ in Your life. You chose to live like this. In choosing to live like this there are alot of responsibilities and You need to start dealing with them and accepting them and stop whining over them. i have been supportive, and will continue to be supportive. What ever You choose to do, what ever You choose not to do, just do something. The cancer center has councilling. There is still the physio to look into. Things You could be doing to make Yourself better, but You choose not to. Never mind, i am done for the night.

Mike and Me - Thu, 13 Oct 2005

-call seperate school board about TJ going there next year
-make training cards for Mike
-contact/start process for Rygiel House (don't really want to)

Mike and Me - Wed, 12 Oct 2005

cancel appointment at MacMaster - rebook for 1 month
Milk Mom duty 12:20 l
ook for Yoda Mask for TJ

Completed:
cancelled appointment and rebooked for Nov 16th
did Milk day Mom
found yoda mask plus a full yoda costume...not exactly what i wanted, but i will put up with it contacted Make-a-wish

Mike and Me - Wed, 5 Oct 2005

1) to shave pussy

i will be shaving tomorrow. As soon as TJ heads off to school, i will be going to Day/Night and getting new blades and shave my legs and my little bits.