i figured something out

i have figures out why the traditions in our family are so important to me. They are something i can hold on too.

Right now it is very dark inside my head. It has been for over a month. i have a plan that doesn't involve me, but will give me the permission i need in my head to follow threw with the plans for me. i told the only person i could, my Mom. i know it is a lot to lay on her, but if i talked to anyone else about it, i would not be at home right now. I would be in the hospital.

Maybe that is where i need to be. Things out here, in the world, aren't making me any better. Those dark thoughts are always with me. They are always there when i go to take my meds. They are there as i engross myself into being a Mom. There are there when i do the dishes, bake cookies, put on a happy face. They are always there. They are getting worse.

After talking to my Mom, i have made a promise for tonight. One that i am finding hard to keep, but i am keeping it. Tomorrow, i see my Mom again, and i know she will ask me to make the same promise again. On Friday i go to the doctor's. i am not going to tell her about the entire plan. That would land me in the hospital for sure, but i will tell her that the dark thoughts are back with a vengeance. If she then wants me to go to the hospital, i think i am ready. The thoughts are so overwhelming, that i am ready to take myself in tonight.

Maybe it is time to go. Maybe it is time to admit i am faking it all. Maybe it is time to admit i can't find anything happy to think about in the mornings to get me out of bed, but a routine. Yeah, maybe it is time to just let go and see if there is something else out there to help me get out of this.

i now really understand why this time of year has the highest suicide rate.