feeling rejected

That is the only way to describe how i am feeling tonight. i really shouldn't be up. i should be lying down and getting what ever small amount of sleep i can out of the night, but this feeling is just eating at me.

In April, i opened myself up to be rejected. i opened up and told someone that i would like the chance to try to get back what we once had. It was a nice reaction i got. We talked about going to an event together. We talked about the fair coming up and maybe hitting that. i called the week before the event, asking if she wanted me to book us tickets. i never got an answer back. i called a week later. i called a week after that. She called when there was an emergency with her daughter. She said she would call me and let me know how it went. She never called back. i have still kept calling and leaving messages. i even left one asking if i had done something wrong. Still no call back, but a mass email to all friends was sent out. i then saw her profile on a site. i answered it. i answered it with all seriousness, as i did when i opened up to her in April. That was when she let me know she was spending time with someone else. That she didn't want to stretch herself to thin, and not be able to give all of herself to anyone.

i totally understand. i do. i get that a person only has so much energy to give around. i just wonder if she ever knew how serious i was in April, and if that would have made a difference. i just wonder why i never got calls back. i just wonder if there is something about me (yes self doubt is still and issue with me).

i still love her to pieces. That won't change. my friendship to her will never change. Nor will my desire to serve her change. Maybe one day the stars and planets will aline properly and this could actually happen.

But right now, i just feel rejected.