Panic and Anxiety

i know what panic and anxiety are. i experience both quite often. Right now, and for the last few weeks, i have been experiencing them every day. i don't know why. i know how i am dealing with it. i know how i am comforting myself. The problem is, at the moment, it is counter productive.

The panic and anxiety revolve around leaving the house. It isn't safe. It doesn't feel safe. i don't want to. i get a tightness in my chest with the idea. i start to sweat when i know it is a must. i avoid it to the point of finding reasons to stay in the house. i avoid it to the point of asking others to do my running around. A new "symptom" is that i don't feel comfortable driving the speed limit. It is too fast. It isn't safe. It doesn't feel safe.

One technique is to find a way to comfort myself when i am feeling this way. i am doing that. i am cleaning. i am cooking. i am organizing. my place has never been so clean. my kitchen has never been so tidy. Laundry is all done. Dishes are constantly being washed. Vacuuming is a daily occurrence. Even making my bed is a comfort. i feel safe here at home. i feel secure here at home. i feel at home here at home. Even still, it is counter productive.

i need to remember the ways i handled going out before. i know taking my iPod with me, and blocking out noise is one i can do. i know that self talk is another. Going out with someone out is another. i know that making myself go out is a way of breaking the thinking that it isn't safe, because i will be safe when i get back home.

Knowing all this isn't helping. Knowing that it is illogical isn't helping. Knowing i have lived through this before isn't helping. Knowing i will get through this again isn't helping. Talking about it isn't helping. Making myself go out isn't helping. Taking my meds isn't helping. Nothing has helped. i even carried it to camping.

i feel like i am rambling. i feel like i am trying to fix this, but am getting no where. i don't get why this is happening. Nothing bad happened. Nothing unsafe happened. i don't even know when it really started. i know one day i didn't want to leave. The next was fine. So was the next. Then another day when i didn't want to leave. Then another. Now it has snowballed. i don't know how to fix it.