Hard Hitting

This weekend, the anniversary, has hit me hard. So hard I had a breakdown at therapy. Big breakdown.

I cried and cried. I can't understand how I could miss someone who actually treated me like an extra. Yes I have said He never treated me as such, but in reality, that is exactly how He treated me. He had His wife. He had His Mistress. He had others. I never said boo. I never said stop. I tried to understand. I excused His lying. I excused His bullshit. I excused everything, just so I could be with Him. How could I let someone treat me that way. As an extra. Not someone worthy of the truth, respect, and attention I actually deserved. What I deserve now.

Yesterday, I took down his pictures. I cleaned out his drawer. I kept some things, threw others away, and gave away a few. I want him out of my thoughts. Out of my memories. Out of my feelings. I know it is unrealistic. I know he will always be a part of me. 6 1/2 years is a long time to be with someone. For this weekend, I just want to not feel so bad. Too bad I can't control that.

Today is about not doing the "maladaptive" behaviour. No cutting. No over eating. No spending lots and lots of money. No drinking lots of alcohol. No sleeping the day away. It is about embracing my feelings of anger and sorrow. It is about being in the now (sometimes called mindfullness).

Today is going to be about beautifying my surroundings. "From sorrow springs growth." That is my mantra for today. I need to do it, without going out and spending a lot of money. I have already planted the front garden. I have already planted my one pot flower. The back patio has been swept.

I know I want new patio furniture. I know I want to buy lots of herbs. I know I want to buy new bird feeders. I want to buy and buy and buy. I also want to drink and drink and drink. I had one drink last night. I wanted more. The tequila is calling out to me. My credit card is calling me. My savings is calling to me. I will fight it. I will use the techniques they taught me in the hospital. I will concentrate on letting myself feel, and just enjoying the day.

Time to let sorrow bring growth.

Alcohol

Who said drinking doesn't make feelings hide? Well me for one. I figured that when I am drunk, I get to feel. Not the case. Today, I am feeling it. I am feeling the loss. I am feeling the weekend coming up. I am craving drinking all the time right now. I just want to get plastered and forget what Monday is. It is funny, because just this week, I have been wanting to take down His photos from my bedroom. I have been wanting to plain avoid everything. Alcohol is a great way to avoid.

I just want to avoid the sadness for a while.

Away and hiding (medically hiding)

So my symptoms made it impossible for me to take care of myself. The doctor finally got me to agree to go to the hospital. That is where i have been since Feb. 1st.

First was 2 weeks at the General. They ruled out stroke, MS, brain issues, and spinal inflammation. All good to know, because any of those would have meant not being able to get better. They determined it was something called "Conversion"

Conversion is when your body manifests emotional issues. Take for the example that i have been saying no to going into the hospital for my emotional issues for quite some time. my brain finally said "screw you, you have to go get help". So, off i go to St. Joe's for some intensive therapy.

i went in to St. Joe's without being able to walk, use my arm, feel anything on my left side, and not being able to see out of my left eye, or hear out of my left ear. Tomorrow i get discharged. i can now walk, hear, see, feel the keys beneath my fingers, feel pain, hot and cold, and act like a normal person. i also know i have certain things i need to work on.

i am taking something called DBT. Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. It is a new way of thinking about what to do during crisis, and then taking the time to feel the emotions later. They teach mindfulness, wise mind, and ways of handling situations without avoiding them. Of course this type of behaviour therapy counts a lot on lessening stresses. Things like getting more sleep is a big one. Taking the time to feel is also a big one for me.

So far so good though. Last weekend was full of panic. This weekend, i only got panicked going to get groceries. People asking me a lot of questions is also a stresses. So is to much noise. i have the techniques to deal with these as they happen. Playing my ipod while i shopped. Taking someone with me while i shopped. Deep breathing, counting to 10 while staring at cans of soup as if i was choosing one. All ways i was able to complete my shopping and not freak out totally.

While in hospital, i had a bonus reaction. my blood sugars are under control. i just have to not fall on old habits, like eating when i am stressed, and they will stay that way.

my biggest issue to deal with is something called Radical Acceptance. It is when you deal with the pain of the reality of a situation, so you don't "wallow" in it, and the suffering of it can go away. That brought up a lot of issues surrounding Mike, TJ, and the death of others i know and am close to.

i know i am not "fixed", but i have the tools to help.

Oh, and i met quite a few "interesting" people at St. Joe's. The staff were great. my favourite nurses were Barb, Pam, Danielle, George, Steve, and Alissandra, just to name a few. The food lady (some call the "Soup Nazi") Jane was wonderful. i actually made friends with one patient. Penny. She reminds me of E. She can listen, not pass judgement, and not try to fix me, just as i can listen to her in the same way. Paul was a blessing. Michael was interesting. Crystal who i hope gets better soon. Ester who needs to find her big voice. Catherine who went to a group home and i hope learns how to share the TV.

Then there are those i am glad to be away from. Cole (who can't learn how to shut up), Christy (who believes the cops are out to get her), Maurine (who makes up being sick at the drop of a hat...she even believed she had something called Tommy Hilfiger disease), and old lady Patricia (doesn't know how to shut up if her life depended on it).

Tomorrow i get discharged. i am scared. i am worried. i am excited. i am nervous. i am ready. i worry about taking back the burden of caring for my son, and experiencing feelings again.

What is going on

i know i haven't written here in a long time. i have been away from the computer. i have been ignoring it. i haven't had the energy or need to be here. i have had a lot of things going on.


The MIT is doing good, but not. His balance is way off. He had 6 days in a row of lost muscle tone and cluster seizures. He is better now. It all happened after Christmas, but before and during New Years. He is scheduled for a day video EEG on Thursday. Hopefully the EEG will show what kind of seizures He is having, if He is having any that day. At least the last 2 days He has walked off the bus. That is progress.

He is also maturing. He had an issue with a teacher on Monday, and He came home telling me to call His resource teacher. He knew something wasn't right about the situation, and He was correct. His resource teacher is wonderful and helped Him out the next day with active solutions to what He could do next time.

Monday is the anniversary of D's death. i don't know how i actually feel about that. i am going through the same sort of memories i hold about Mike's death. Remembering what happened this day last year. What i wish i could change about last year. The guilt of not going to see her on the 9th last year. i know for E it is more difficult. i know she is trying to not set herself up for feeling anything, and maybe ignoring the whole thing, but i also know how unrealistic that is. i will be there for her. If she needs me, she will call. i will call her this weekend and check in with her. Monday, i may be no use to her. i am going to be a little busy.

Now me. Around the 5th of Dec, part of my leg went numb. Shortly after that, part of my arm went numb. Later i stubbed my toe to the point of bleeding, and i didn't feel it. Now, most of my leg and vulva are numb. At Christmas i lost some hearing . Then i lost some sight. All on my left side. i have bouts of incontinence, and not just the liquid kind. All of this adds up to me getting to see a neurologist on Monday. i haven't looked up all this stuff on the internet. i have pushed it away during the "holidays". Now, it is full in my face. There are other things. Stuff i haven't told anyone until now.


Typing is hard. i can't feel the keys with all my fingers. Spelling is hard. Not just typos. Words i know how to spell, being spelled wrong, and nothing i can do about it, but go back and retype and spell it wrong again. It usually takes me 3-4 times to type the word write. Plus it happens when i am just plain writing on paper. It is hard for me to sometimes make the words look right.

Speaking is frustrating. i can hear myself pronounce words wrong, and using the wrong word. In my brain, it isn't wrong. i only really know it is wrong when i see the look on some one's face, or they ask me what i mean. Even the MIT is correcting me.

i can't drive. i have no peripheral vision on my right side. i am scared to drive. What if something else happens. (case in point, i cut my finger on my right hand and didn't feel it when it happened) i walk into walls when i turn a corner because i didn't see where i was in relationship to the wall.

i am scared. Very very scared. Monday i will have to explain everything that is going on with my body. Monday i will have to face a neurologist about me. Monday i am worried i will be told it is nothing. Monday i am worried i will be told it is something serious. Right now, there is no "in between" for me. i can only see the answers from the doctor being all or nothing.

i am just plain scared.

10th year

Dear Master,

Tomorrow is our 10th year anniversary. i can't believe it has been that long. i can't believe you have been gone for so long.

10 years ago, You came to my house and helped me clean out my basement. You fondled me on the ladder. You kissed me when my Mom wasn't looking. You moved stuff, and You put stuff together. You came back the next night and stayed. After that, we were almost inseparable. i fell in love with You very quickly. You said You did also. 3 1/2 years ago, You left. Yes You died. Still, You left. i miss You less and less. i think of You less and less. i still wish You were here, but it is getting easier.

i know i am going to miss You for a very long time. i know You will always be a part of my heart. i know that, as it gets easier, missing You doesn't stop.

Happy Anniversary Master. i love You.

Back for a bit

i know i have been away for a while. i am still here. i am just lost right now. Lost in thought. Lost in responsibility. Lost in my own head. i have no map to help me find my way out. i am doing it the hard way. A therapy session at a time. Talking about how i feel. Contemplating my future. Watching my son. If there is a way out of this maze, i will find it. i just don't know when, or how.

Photos and memories

Today i have been putting old photos into photo albums. i started yesterday, and got quite frustrated. i would live the memories. i would think back to that time in my life. i would remember things and start to grieve again. It wasn't a very successful day.

Today, it has been more about just getting it done. i was able to put away years 99-02. Later i may go back and look at the photos and remember more. Later i may let myself get lost in the memories. i don't feel like doing that today.

i still have from 2002 until the last set my mom gave me. i need another album or two to complete that. Until then, i have the last 10 years of my son's life all put away.

Numb

It has been a week since i posted. A week since the funeral. Two weeks since her death. i still think about her every day. my heart skips a beat when i drive past the hospice. i keep thinking i should be in there with her. We should be scooting outside for a smoke, watching TV or talking about the staff. i am a friend. E must have it worse.

On Thursday E's daughter took me to the movies for her birthday. We saw Twilight. It was ok. What was better was the fact that she asked me. E didn't want to see it before she read the book, and i have already read it, and she thought of me. She even invited me to her birthday dinner on the Friday night. i wasn't able to go to that. Between therapy and tooth pain, i just didn't have the stamina.

Therapy was me feeling numb and not wanting to feel anything but that. The session was all factually. No feelings were discussed. Sandy said i needed that to breath. A chance to breath from the pain and loss and feeling. i can't feel numb right now. Every time one of the flowers withers, i cry. i save it and i cry at its loss. i cry as it represents to me, another part of her going away. The MIT has been home all week. It is exam time and He is home. We have been watching Smallville most of the week. He doesn't like to see me cry, so i have been hiding those feelings from Him.

Now for the tooth. i have been having tooth pain for a few weeks. It went away when i was on the antibiotics for strep. It came back. It got so bad, i actually stood at the door of the dentist Monday morning before they opened. i ended up coming home after a root canal. Can you say ouch? The only pain killer i am on is ibuprofen. Like that is a big help. On top of that, i have strep again, so i am on antibiotics for both the tooth thing and the throat.

i am really starting to hate January. Almost as much as i hate May.

It was perfect for her.

That is the only way to describe how the services went. Enough people to fill the little chapel. Friends and family. Those that loved her.

i feel numb now. i am just numb. i am just tired. i feel drained and lost. A part of me feels like i shouldn't be sad anymore. Sort of how i felt once Mike had been buried and the memorial service was over, and the flowers had died. i know now that it doesn't work that way. E was hoping it would, but she knows it doesn't.

For the first time in almost a month, i haven't talked to E today. It feels strange. i will call her tomorrow. i will see if she needs anything. Maybe i will take her out to Starbucks. Maybe i will just say hi, remind her i am here, and let her be. Just like she did for me after Mike.

The day before...

and i am supposed to be trying to just feel and relax. Instead, i am hyper and worried. i am doing laundry. i am doing dishes. i am panicked about the candle. i am wondering when P will email me with what they want printed as an insert. i am doing anything i can do to keep from feeling.

Laundry has been put away, with one load in the dryer, another in the washer and one more to go. Dishes are in soaking, ready to be washed, with two loads waiting to go. All empty cans are in the recycling bin. All garbage has been gathered and in the right places. i am even making myself perogies for lunch/supper. i have my list of what to do tomorrow ready. i have my clothes set out ready. i have ironed my top for tomorrow. i have vacuumed. i even know what i am going to do at 3:30.

At 3:30, i am heading over to White Flame. i am going to wander the store, and pickup some stuff for myself. i am going to get the memorial candle. i am then going to head over to Rygiel, and drop off the MIT's velcro for His heart monitor. i don't want to go out, but i have too.

i have to keep busy for now. At least for a little while. At least for now. Maybe later i will be able to relax. Maybe later i can let out how sad and scared and hurt i am feeling. Right now, i just can't go there. Right now, i am keeping busy.

So today....

i did spend the entire hour with Sandy crying. i cried about needing to make D warm. i cried about missing her. i cried about crying. i cried about the tape that is playing in my head. She wanted to analyze that "tape" but i told her i just wanted to feel. i just wanted to feel sad, helpless, angry, worried, sad. First time i have ever just wanted to feel while i was there. First time i wanted to cry the entire time. First time i initiated just wanting to feel something without my head getting in the way.

We also, at the end of the hour, talked about expectations about Sunday. Expectations for myself and for others.

For myself, i expect to act mature. i expect to cry when i am feeling sad. i expect to be helpful when needed. i expect to blend into the background a little. i expect to say "she was well loved". i expect to help others feel what they need to feel, without putting my feelings in front of theirs.

For others, well, i expect others to swoop in and try to take control. i expect others to put themselves ahead of anyone else. i expect others to need to hear "it is ok". i expect others to say "i am so sorry". i expect others to need to be supportive.

So, since the MIT is now at respite, i am going to go and take my meds, make Baby Bear a tie, and go to bed. i am going to sleep in a little. i will do the last minute stuff P&E need me to do. i will print out stuff, cut stuff, pickup stuff. i will be a phone call away. i will also just sit, and prepare myself to go to the memorial tomorrow, by myself.

Tomorrow and things to come.

Tomorrow is therapy day. Other than here, i haven't really talked about how i am feeling. i don't think i can yet. i am hoping, once i am there, i will be able too. It is a safe place. It is somewhere i can let go of the grief and anger and guilt. Someplace safe to let out as much as i can before Sunday.

Sunday is going to be hard for so many reasons. The biggest is that i am going to be saying more goodbyes to a really good friend.

i am going to miss D. She would talk about things no one else would with me. She would listen to things i wouldn't share with anyone else. Even from the beginning. She could make me laugh. She could make me blush. She could make me feel comfortable in an uncomfortable situation. Sunday is going to be an uncomfortable situation. She would make it all better if she was there.

i will be surrounded by her family, people i don't know, people i have only met once or twice, people who at odds with me. Part of me doesn't want to go. i am going to feel so out of place. There will be enough people around E, P, T and C, be there for them, that i could justify to myself that i won't be needed. Hell, i am good at avoiding uncomfortable situations.

Instead, i am going to go. i am going to go for me. i am going to go and feel D's arm around my shoulder. i am going to go and stay in the background. i am going to go and, if i need to, i am going to cry. i am going to go and feel her hands in mine. i am going to go and remember all we talked about in the last week of her life. i am going to go and say my goodbyes to her and be there for her daughter, her grandchildren, and her son-in-law. i am going to go and be there for myself.

What to do with myself?

Normally i would have been at the hospice the last two mornings. Normally i would be coaxing D to eat breakfast, then lunch. We had started watching DVD's together. We had planned to watch Prince Caspian this week. She was looking forward to Eggs Benedict on Wednesday. Maybe i will make it for myself, in her honour.

Instead of that, i am helping where i can with the arrangements. i am in contact with someone about the memorial candle. i will be picking it up on Friday. i have to pick out an outfit D would like, and would be appropriate to be seen by her family. i don't have the money to get something new, so it is time to search the closet again. What i wear on Sunday will be different on Monday. Monday will be piles of clothes. Sunday will be for and inside affair.

i have made arrangements for the MIT's care while i am at the services. He isn't ready to admit it has happened. 3 deaths in less than a month, for him, is too many. He is having a hard time wrapping His head around it. He will say goodbye in His own way, eventually.

me? i will grieve as it comes. i am finding the grief of loosing Mike has gotten stronger, as the grief of loosing D is hitting me. i am scheduling my grieving time for when the MIT isn't here. Tonight i will be cooking for myself, and lying in bed, reading the book i was going to read to D. Candles will be lit. i will be wrapping myself up in her shawl. i will probably cry. i will allow myself to feel what i need to feel.

What to say?

i don't know what to say. D died early this morning. i am going to really miss her. She was a special person that raised 2 special people.

They let me be there yesterday. They had gotten the call that she was non-responsive. They thought she had seized during the night. She couldn't be woken. They called me. i was the first to arrive. We talked for a little while. They arrived next. We spent a great deal of time with her. We talked about what we were seeing. We talked about things that had happened. We talked about the cardinals at the bird feeder again. We watched the crows arrived and leave again. Different family arrived. They all needed time to be with her. E had me leave about 8 hours later, so i could sleep, for later happening.

They called at 3:30 this morning. She was gone. i went. The candle was lit. i used to find comfort in that candle. Today i found only tears and anger. We all hugged. We all cried. They needed to leave, to be with the kids, to explain (how do you explain) what happened. i could do something for all of them, and myself, that they just couldn't do. i packed up everything. i stayed with her until she was taken away. 9 1/2 hours waiting for her shell to be taken away. About 7 of those hours i spent alone with her.

During those hours, i talked to her. i removed her jewelery. i stroked her hand. i told her how much stuff she had. i complained about having to pack up so much stuff. my Sis came over and helped pack the van. i made Sis leave after that. i needed time alone with her. i told her when i was going out for a smoke. i would kiss her forehead every time i left the room, telling her i would be right back. She got colder with every kiss. At one point, all i wanted to do was warm her up. i tried putting blankets on her. i wanted to put her favourite hat on her. i just wanted her warm again. i cleaned the room, knowing how she wouldn't like it all messy when she was leaving. i thought of putting make-up on her, to make her look pretty. i thought about doing her nails. She loved to have her nails done. i removed the bandages from her elbows. She didn't need anyone seeing those. She hated having them on. i sat beside her and cried. i sat beside her and talked. i sat beside her and told her about the acrobatic squirrel that was back. i kept the shades open so she could feel the warmth of the sun on her body. i stayed until the funeral home came to take her away.

The staff let me be. They let me do what i needed to do. They let me talk to them when i needed to talk, ask questions, be proud of her. Some who knew her really well, and had met me on the days i was there, with her, hugged me. Even told me to hug them. But most of all, they let me be alone with her.

i know it wasn't her there. i know it was just the shell of her. i know it didn't make any real sense to be so worried about what i was saying to her, or how she looked, or about how cold she was. i know she wasn't there to chastise me for not wearing a coat when i went out for a smoke, but i wore one anyways. i know she wasn't there to make sure i ate breakfast, but i did anyways.

They would say i was helping them. They would say that they just couldn't do what i was doing. i say they were helping me. i say they let me grieve in a way i needed to. i say they let me do what i needed to do. i say they helped me more than i helped them.

i just couldn't leave her by herself without someone that loved her next to her. That is really why i couldn't leave. i needed her to not be alone. i needed to not be alone.

There should have been cardinals.

Usually....

This time of year, is when i post what i promised myself last year, and what i am going to promise myself this year. That isn't happening right now. Maybe that will happen later, but there is too much keeping me in the now and not in the future. There are things i want to start doing more of, and those are what i am going to be listing.

1. Getting serious about practicing the "holidays" regarding my pagan beliefs. More taking care of my altar. More preparing foods for the special days. More meditating quietly when i have time.
2. Cooking more. i have already started, but i want to keep doing this and getting more recipes under my belt. i am enjoying watching the Food Network, and have been taking ideas from there. i also want to learn how to cook Chinese food, so i don't have to spend so much on ordering in. Also, cooking Tai food would be nice, as i can't order from anywhere without risking an bad allergy.
3. Spending more time with those i love. Yes it is hard when the MIT is having problems, but i am going to work around that.
4. Work with my doctors regarding my medications. This feeling nothing, or feeling like life isn't worth it, sucks.
5. Going camping with the MIT and my Dad more. It is nice quiet time the three of us can spend together. It is actually something i look forward to. Maybe we can incorporate P&E and the kids. That would be nice. Camping is something i have learned to enjoy again.

Well, those are the things i want to work on. i am not going to pressure myself much. Pressure adds to the anxiety, and the need for perfection, and that is something i can't do right now. i know i need to take care of myself more. i am just not motivated. Hopefully that will change as my medications get changed. Caring would be a big improvement.

The MIT has had 2 deaths in the last 2 weeks. A person He knows from church had gone from being ok, to slipping into a coma and dying 2 days later. She died Christmas Eve. Tuesday, my parent's neighbour, Vince, died. my Dad and Vince's son had to break into the house and found him dead. The MIT was very close to him. They liked to sit outside and talk. The MIT lost it when i told Him. He went outside and screamed. He came in angry and looking like He would hurt Himself. He lost His right side immediately. He is still upset about both deaths. Monday He is not going to be going to school. He will be going to a funeral. He has lost a great many people in His short life. That makes me sad

Today the MIT and i are spending a quiet time at home. i am drinking lots of water. Baileys and eggnog are a great combination, but i need to rehydrate. Tomorrow is more MIT and mommy time. Saturday will be sleeping and getting back to feeling more like myself. Sunday will be more of the same as Saturday. Monday will be the MIT going to a funeral, and me being able to spend more time with D at the hospice.

i have missed our quiet times together. She has beaten a number of odds to make it this long. She is a very strong and stubborn woman. She is a great friend, and i will never forget her influence on me.

Yeah, today is not a happy day for me.

December 1st, again

It is the beginning of the stressful season. Yeah, that is how i am feeling about it right now. It is the first and i am already stressing over what is going to happen the next 19, 21, and 25 days.

Today the house was decorated. i actually did it. i took down the last of the camping supplies, and brought up the decorations, and have put them all up. The house is looking festive. Too bad my mood isn't.

D is heading to hospice care. It is time. It is time for her. It is time for her family. i got to spend a great Saturday with her. We went out shopping. We were able to do two stores. i helped her choose gifts for people. i did a lot of waiting. i would sit next to her wheelchair and just wait while she made decisions, or nodded off. It didn't matter what anyone thought. It didn't wonder how weird we looked. After two stores, she was done. She didn't want to admit it. i made the decision for her. i took her home. i was granted the opportunity, to again watch her and be a support to her family. i stayed the night.

Saturday night was glimpses at insanity, instability, smiles, memories, and flashes of recognition. The insanity was mine. The instability was limbs not cooperating. The smiles were of shared comfort in silence. The memories were mine to carry for the both of us. The flashes of recognition were insightful and far between. The insanity was mine. i only have to see it in glimpses. i don't live with it. i visit it. Just like those that visit my house. i got to go home and hide from it. Even ignore the reality of it for a few hours.

This season is going to be very hard for a lot of us. Each of us enduring our own hells. Mine is a lot less than some. This year i can actually say that. This year, i regrettably get to say, that my hell is not as bad as people i know. Theirs is much worse.

Dear Sir

It would have been 9 years Master. 9 years since You and i met on October 13th. i have cried for the last 2 nights. Still grieving over You . Still wishing You were here. Still wishing things were different. Still wishing You had kept Your promise that last night to never leave me again. Ever anniversary, i get lost in You.

You would be very proud and worried about the MIT. You have missed a lot. He is growing into a more mature boy. He is speaking up for Himself more at school. He is learning to do more things. He is taking more chances. He is still very obsessive, but sometimes in a good way. He is even telling me when He has homework and wants to do it with me, not have me do it for Him. His physical issues are getting worse. He can no longer stand still for any amount of time before loosing His balance. He falls more than He stands or walks. He is loosing sides more and more. He is having more full blown days. He has seizures now. Heck, He is on meds now. We are having to play with His meds to make the seizures less, but it doesn't seem to be working.

When You were around Master, i would have looked to You for comfort. i would have looked to you for reassurance about how He was doing, or if i am doing it right, or if i am worrying too much. i don't have that now. i doubt myself a lot. i doubt whether i can leave Him with the nurse. i doubt if giving Him these meds are actually helping verse hurting. i doubt whether any of His falls are worse than they look, or if i am panicking at some of them. It sucks not having You here to help make calls on that.

Yes, today i am feeling lost. i am lost in my head and in my feelings. i am lost in remembering both the good times and the bad. i still blame You for leaving me, even if it was in death. It still feels like You abandoned me and the MIT. i am still lost in all the lies You told, and the position You put me in after You died. i still wonder why You never followed through with anything You said would happen. From writing a will, to giving proper instructions. i am still very angry about that. The lies keep coming back to me. Lies about You playing in public when You said You wouldn't. Lies about what You had told other people. Heck, i recently found out that even though You told me i was no slave, and couldn't be a slave, that You told others i was Your slave. i also still hold a grudge about how far Your personal growth took You, and how i backed You up in it, but You held me back and wouldn't even try some of the stuff that i wanted to explore.

i have done some personal growth since You died. i am cooking now, and finding my feet in trying new recipes. i have taken the MIT and Dad camping twice now. We are planning a third trip in Nov. i am back to going to the diabetic clinic, and i have made a few commitments in regards to that. i am eating yogurt at every meal. i am getting my blood work done every 3 months. i am eating lunch 3-4 times a week. i am checking my blood sugars about 2 times a day. That one is really hard for me, but i am trying. i am going out more. Well, when i can afford it. i am even seeing someone pretty regularly. He is nice, and kind, and very new. The situation is more open than it was with You and B. Heck, his wife likes me coming over and spending time with them both. Still, it just isn't the same.

i miss the intensity You and i had. The way our energies seemed to mesh. The way we played and i could feel You with every stroke. Gods i could use that again. You hooking me up in the basement. All our hard toys hitting my skin. me taking all Your energy and loving it. You teasing me and hurting me. my head lost in the pain and in You. Your marks on my skin from the cane or the Kiss. You cutting into my skin, and then lighting it up. i miss that so much. i so need that. He and i don't play that way. He isn't ready for it.

Yes, i am lost in my feelings today. i have been for the last few days. i have even sprayed Your pillow again. i am running out of Your cologne. Your smell relaxes me, and calms me. It is the closest thing to having You here with me, in bed.

9 years ago i met You, and You changed my life. i love You.

Moving forward?

i did something today i never thought i would do. i deleted Mike's numbers from my cell phone. No more Mike Home, Mike Work, Mike Cell, Mike Kingston, Mike WCell. They are gone from my cell phone memory. i guess it was time. That was my thinking seconds ago when i did it. Now, i am missing them not being in there.

i know it is another stage in healing myself, in accepting what happened. i know He won't be answering any of them. Just having them programmed in was a comfort. It isn't like i could reprogram them anyways. i don't have any of those numbers written down anywhere. Not that i know of anyways.

Time is moving on. i seem to also be moving forward.

Therapy exercise 2 - What i have accomplished since Mike died

This is the second exercise Sandy wanted me to do over this week. Again, this is just beginning, and will probably grow over the next few days or so. (Not in any specific order)

• Becoming a certified reflexologist - i remember Mike not being very supportive of this idea at one point. i am proud of doing this
• Taking responsibility for taking my meds - i had turned this over to Mike. i shouldn't have. i have to have control over something before i can give it to someone else. Now i have control over it.
• Letting myself feel what and when i feel it - This was something i needed to work on way before Mike died. The fact that Mike died made the process of getting the help i needed for it quicker.
• Getting to know L&D better - Before Mike died, we weren't really big friends. After Mike's death, we were able to get together more and learn about each other more.
• Taking interest in my garden - This is becoming more of a therapy than i expected. i actually go out weeding and worry about all my plants

Therapy exercise 1 - What i miss since Mike died

So one of the things Sandy wanted me to do over the next week, was to come up with a list of all the things i miss since Mike's death. i figured i would start now, and when other stuff came up, i would edit it in later. (these are in no specific orders)

• Intimacy - The feeling of knowing what the other person was feeling and knowing that there was someone who could tell what i was feeling. The feeling of being able to just be me.
• Sex - should be self explanatory.
• Being a couple - Being a single sucks. Going to events alone. Being the only single in a group of couples sucks.
• Rules - Having a set of thing to do, ways to act, things to accomplish that i don't have to think up all on my own
• Going to events - Since Mike died, it is harder for me to go to events, especially since i go as a single person now.
• Reminders - Being able to blame Mike if i don't do what i need to do