Today was my first DBT group session. I was so nervous, I was awake at 5:30, and pacing by 8:00. I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know what to take. I was in pain and tired.
It really wasn't all that bad. The group is all women. There is homework to be done. There was a lot of talking and answering questions. I talked a lot more than I thought I would. I guess I got the smarts to do all this, I just have to find the motivation and gumption to actually use the techniques to help myself.
After group, I had a bit of time by myself. I found out I was going to have a nurse for me for the next little while. Wound management. Someone to pull out the stuffing (sorry, packing) out of the hole in my groin, and then, without freezing, stuffing the hole back up again. The nurse I had today was quite nice. I will probably have a new one Thursday.
Right now, I am exhausted. I have been up since 5:30, and plan on getting up at that early morning time for the rest of the week. This gives me some quiet time to myself before TJ gets up, and helps my body get used to the school schedule. Once 11 comes around, and I take my antibiotic, I am heading to bed.
Oh yeah. My sugars have been normal all day, and I know I have lost some more weight
Showing posts with label Ouchies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ouchies. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Tuesday, January 05, 2010
What is going on
i know i haven't written here in a long time. i have been away from the computer. i have been ignoring it. i haven't had the energy or need to be here. i have had a lot of things going on.
The MIT is doing good, but not. His balance is way off. He had 6 days in a row of lost muscle tone and cluster seizures. He is better now. It all happened after Christmas, but before and during New Years. He is scheduled for a day video EEG on Thursday. Hopefully the EEG will show what kind of seizures He is having, if He is having any that day. At least the last 2 days He has walked off the bus. That is progress.
He is also maturing. He had an issue with a teacher on Monday, and He came home telling me to call His resource teacher. He knew something wasn't right about the situation, and He was correct. His resource teacher is wonderful and helped Him out the next day with active solutions to what He could do next time.
Now me. Around the 5th of Dec, part of my leg went numb. Shortly after that, part of my arm went numb. Later i stubbed my toe to the point of bleeding, and i didn't feel it. Now, most of my leg and vulva are numb. At Christmas i lost some hearing . Then i lost some sight. All on my left side. i have bouts of incontinence, and not just the liquid kind. All of this adds up to me getting to see a neurologist on Monday. i haven't looked up all this stuff on the internet. i have pushed it away during the "holidays". Now, it is full in my face. There are other things. Stuff i haven't told anyone until now.
Typing is hard. i can't feel the keys with all my fingers. Spelling is hard. Not just typos. Words i know how to spell, being spelled wrong, and nothing i can do about it, but go back and retype and spell it wrong again. It usually takes me 3-4 times to type the word write. Plus it happens when i am just plain writing on paper. It is hard for me to sometimes make the words look right.
Speaking is frustrating. i can hear myself pronounce words wrong, and using the wrong word. In my brain, it isn't wrong. i only really know it is wrong when i see the look on some one's face, or they ask me what i mean. Even the MIT is correcting me.
i can't drive. i have no peripheral vision on my right side. i am scared to drive. What if something else happens. (case in point, i cut my finger on my right hand and didn't feel it when it happened) i walk into walls when i turn a corner because i didn't see where i was in relationship to the wall.
i am scared. Very very scared. Monday i will have to explain everything that is going on with my body. Monday i will have to face a neurologist about me. Monday i am worried i will be told it is nothing. Monday i am worried i will be told it is something serious. Right now, there is no "in between" for me. i can only see the answers from the doctor being all or nothing.
i am just plain scared.
The MIT is doing good, but not. His balance is way off. He had 6 days in a row of lost muscle tone and cluster seizures. He is better now. It all happened after Christmas, but before and during New Years. He is scheduled for a day video EEG on Thursday. Hopefully the EEG will show what kind of seizures He is having, if He is having any that day. At least the last 2 days He has walked off the bus. That is progress.
He is also maturing. He had an issue with a teacher on Monday, and He came home telling me to call His resource teacher. He knew something wasn't right about the situation, and He was correct. His resource teacher is wonderful and helped Him out the next day with active solutions to what He could do next time.
Monday is the anniversary of D's death. i don't know how i actually feel about that. i am going through the same sort of memories i hold about Mike's death. Remembering what happened this day last year. What i wish i could change about last year. The guilt of not going to see her on the 9th last year. i know for E it is more difficult. i know she is trying to not set herself up for feeling anything, and maybe ignoring the whole thing, but i also know how unrealistic that is. i will be there for her. If she needs me, she will call. i will call her this weekend and check in with her. Monday, i may be no use to her. i am going to be a little busy.
Typing is hard. i can't feel the keys with all my fingers. Spelling is hard. Not just typos. Words i know how to spell, being spelled wrong, and nothing i can do about it, but go back and retype and spell it wrong again. It usually takes me 3-4 times to type the word write. Plus it happens when i am just plain writing on paper. It is hard for me to sometimes make the words look right.
Speaking is frustrating. i can hear myself pronounce words wrong, and using the wrong word. In my brain, it isn't wrong. i only really know it is wrong when i see the look on some one's face, or they ask me what i mean. Even the MIT is correcting me.
i can't drive. i have no peripheral vision on my right side. i am scared to drive. What if something else happens. (case in point, i cut my finger on my right hand and didn't feel it when it happened) i walk into walls when i turn a corner because i didn't see where i was in relationship to the wall.
i am scared. Very very scared. Monday i will have to explain everything that is going on with my body. Monday i will have to face a neurologist about me. Monday i am worried i will be told it is nothing. Monday i am worried i will be told it is something serious. Right now, there is no "in between" for me. i can only see the answers from the doctor being all or nothing.
i am just plain scared.
Thursday, October 08, 2009
Time to breathe
So, P is good. He is out of the hospital. Tests came back fine. Has follow-ups and stuff, but for now, all is good.
Dad is good. He saw the doctor today, and gave them blood. Blood pressure is much better. Has more follow-ups, but for now, all is good.
MIT is a teen. He hurt me the other day. Head-butted me badly. i still have a goose-egg on my forehead from it. 8pm bedtimes for 3 weeks.
Now for me. i want back. i am ready. i want pain. i want to serve. i want to submit. All good things to say, but not the way to say it. i am ready for pain. i am ready to serve. i am ready to submit. That is better. It doesn't matter what i want, just that i am ready for it again. Yes hanging out with P and K and L and E and B helped prompt it out of me again. That isn't a bad thing. It feels like home when i am like that with them.
So yes, i am ready. In safe places. With safe people. People i trust and know. People i love and who love me. Yes i know i will end up going home alone. Yes i may feel like an extra sometimes. It doesn't matter.
i am ready.
This weekend is Thanksgiving. Next weekend is the MIT to Rygiel (weekend off). The next weekend, after that, is camping with Dad, the MIT, and me. My ways to relax. Now, what kind of trouble can i get into this weekend??
Dad is good. He saw the doctor today, and gave them blood. Blood pressure is much better. Has more follow-ups, but for now, all is good.
MIT is a teen. He hurt me the other day. Head-butted me badly. i still have a goose-egg on my forehead from it. 8pm bedtimes for 3 weeks.
Now for me. i want back. i am ready. i want pain. i want to serve. i want to submit. All good things to say, but not the way to say it. i am ready for pain. i am ready to serve. i am ready to submit. That is better. It doesn't matter what i want, just that i am ready for it again. Yes hanging out with P and K and L and E and B helped prompt it out of me again. That isn't a bad thing. It feels like home when i am like that with them.
So yes, i am ready. In safe places. With safe people. People i trust and know. People i love and who love me. Yes i know i will end up going home alone. Yes i may feel like an extra sometimes. It doesn't matter.
i am ready.
This weekend is Thanksgiving. Next weekend is the MIT to Rygiel (weekend off). The next weekend, after that, is camping with Dad, the MIT, and me. My ways to relax. Now, what kind of trouble can i get into this weekend??
Saturday, July 25, 2009
So much to say?
There is so much to say right now. i am going to try to keep on topic in each paragraph, but i can't promise that is going to happen.
The MIT is deteriorating still. He is loosing milestones still. His balance is way off. He falls more. He gets hurt more often. He hardly has good days. Most days He only has one side that works. At least 2 days a week are full blown and hard. He knows His body is against Him. It is hard watching Him be so aware that He is doing worse physically. He gets so frustrated. i can totally understand why. Going outside or even going to get groceries is taxing on His body. He would much rather sit on the couch, loose sides and be comfortable. At least that way He knows He is safe from getting hurt. It is sad watching my active and karate kid not want to do anything. At least we still do cuddles and have started paper ball fights. That brings smiles to His face.
People i called friends, have been having a difficult time of things lately. i feel sorry for them. i feel their grief. i feel their torment. i had wished they would be a couple that would make it. It doesn't look like that would happen. Yes i have been keeping tabs on them. They were such a big part of my life for a long time. i no longer hold hard feelings for them. i actually miss Her. i wish she would let me back in Her life. i will not push it. It is up to Her. i always loved to serve Her. To be in Her presence. She brought out a side of me that i have lost. Maybe out paths will cross again. Maybe they won't. Whatever happens in the future, i hope She knows that i am here for Her. When She is ready.
Now on to me. i am a still a screwed-up, depressed version of me, but that side has always been there. i go to therapy every 1-2 weeks. i am on plenty of medications to treat the depression and anxiety. i talk of my feelings openly to my therapist. i don't hide how i feel with her anymore. i don't deflect as much. i know she can't fix that part of me. Heck, i can't fix that part of me. All i or she can do is help me manage it. She can help me express my feelings over the MIT and the changes He is going through. She lets me bounce ideas off her. She lets me come to decisions on my own.
i have found myself much calmer since making a major decision.
i am no longer looking for the elusive Dom/Domme/Master/Mistress that likes someone that is experienced, knows her limits and is happy to explore them with someone she knows. i am no longer on any of the "searching" sites. No profile on Collarme, Bondage, or Alt. There isn't any point. All the Tops that are searching seem to be looking for someone that is new and young and skinny. It isn't me. i am experienced. i am confident in my abilities. i am not into plain kinky sex. i need more than that. i need someone that would be comfortable in the "dating before playing" to get to know someone. i need someone that is confident in their selves enough to know that an older woman is still a precious commodity. i need someone that understands i may be a little broken, but am putting the pieces together myself. So i came to the decision that i don't need it. i don't need the constant looking. i don't need the "kneel now" emails. i don't need the people looking for kinky sex. i don't need to look. i am comfortable in just being. i have gone so far as to put all the toys away. They are in Mike's old suitcase. They are available, but not in use. They are away, along with that side of me that craves the pain and submission. It wasn't an easy decision, but one that has brought me peace.
With this transformation, i have acquired 2 things on my body. A cutting of Mike's initials, and a tattoo. The cutting is a reminder that His influence on me will never leave. It is a sign of how much of who i am now, is because of Him. It is also a symbol of that piece of me that is still missing. The tattoo is another reminder. It is of a locket, like the one Mike gave me as my daily collar, with His leather collar around the bottom, and our favourite whip (Raven's Kiss) trailing behind. It is beautiful. It is a symbol of who i was, who i am, and who i can be again.
In a way, i feel like i have awaken. i have found a comfortable spot in the universe for me. Sure it isn't where i pictured i would be in 2009, but it is where i am. i am Mom. i am not slave, submissive, or someone's. i am me.
The MIT is deteriorating still. He is loosing milestones still. His balance is way off. He falls more. He gets hurt more often. He hardly has good days. Most days He only has one side that works. At least 2 days a week are full blown and hard. He knows His body is against Him. It is hard watching Him be so aware that He is doing worse physically. He gets so frustrated. i can totally understand why. Going outside or even going to get groceries is taxing on His body. He would much rather sit on the couch, loose sides and be comfortable. At least that way He knows He is safe from getting hurt. It is sad watching my active and karate kid not want to do anything. At least we still do cuddles and have started paper ball fights. That brings smiles to His face.
People i called friends, have been having a difficult time of things lately. i feel sorry for them. i feel their grief. i feel their torment. i had wished they would be a couple that would make it. It doesn't look like that would happen. Yes i have been keeping tabs on them. They were such a big part of my life for a long time. i no longer hold hard feelings for them. i actually miss Her. i wish she would let me back in Her life. i will not push it. It is up to Her. i always loved to serve Her. To be in Her presence. She brought out a side of me that i have lost. Maybe out paths will cross again. Maybe they won't. Whatever happens in the future, i hope She knows that i am here for Her. When She is ready.
Now on to me. i am a still a screwed-up, depressed version of me, but that side has always been there. i go to therapy every 1-2 weeks. i am on plenty of medications to treat the depression and anxiety. i talk of my feelings openly to my therapist. i don't hide how i feel with her anymore. i don't deflect as much. i know she can't fix that part of me. Heck, i can't fix that part of me. All i or she can do is help me manage it. She can help me express my feelings over the MIT and the changes He is going through. She lets me bounce ideas off her. She lets me come to decisions on my own.
i have found myself much calmer since making a major decision.
i am no longer looking for the elusive Dom/Domme/Master/Mistress that likes someone that is experienced, knows her limits and is happy to explore them with someone she knows. i am no longer on any of the "searching" sites. No profile on Collarme, Bondage, or Alt. There isn't any point. All the Tops that are searching seem to be looking for someone that is new and young and skinny. It isn't me. i am experienced. i am confident in my abilities. i am not into plain kinky sex. i need more than that. i need someone that would be comfortable in the "dating before playing" to get to know someone. i need someone that is confident in their selves enough to know that an older woman is still a precious commodity. i need someone that understands i may be a little broken, but am putting the pieces together myself. So i came to the decision that i don't need it. i don't need the constant looking. i don't need the "kneel now" emails. i don't need the people looking for kinky sex. i don't need to look. i am comfortable in just being. i have gone so far as to put all the toys away. They are in Mike's old suitcase. They are available, but not in use. They are away, along with that side of me that craves the pain and submission. It wasn't an easy decision, but one that has brought me peace.
With this transformation, i have acquired 2 things on my body. A cutting of Mike's initials, and a tattoo. The cutting is a reminder that His influence on me will never leave. It is a sign of how much of who i am now, is because of Him. It is also a symbol of that piece of me that is still missing. The tattoo is another reminder. It is of a locket, like the one Mike gave me as my daily collar, with His leather collar around the bottom, and our favourite whip (Raven's Kiss) trailing behind. It is beautiful. It is a symbol of who i was, who i am, and who i can be again.
In a way, i feel like i have awaken. i have found a comfortable spot in the universe for me. Sure it isn't where i pictured i would be in 2009, but it is where i am. i am Mom. i am not slave, submissive, or someone's. i am me.
Oh, here is a pic of my tattoo the day it was done.
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
And then....
i did go to my therapist and told her how i was feeling about my last appointment with her. She totally understood. We talked about it, realized that it hit her personally and that she wasn't completely professional that day. i forgave her. i understand that for a woman (and she is younger than myself) the subject of giving up on having kids can be difficult. No big deal.
Best part was that i told her how i felt. i didn't let the idea that i wouldn't be pleasing and was probably not going to be getting her approval didn't stop me. i am getting better at that. Same thing with asking my Mom and Dad and Sis for help. i don't mind if they say no to me. It isn't a personal attack if they do that. It doesn't mean i am a bad person if i speak up. i still struggle with this, but i am watching myself get better with it.
Saturday was a difficult day. i pushed one of the MIT's OCD buttons, and He ended up getting physical with me. This included 2 kicks (and not passive ones, but deliberate ones) to my gut. Once i had gotten Him all calmed down, and sitting on the couch with my Sis, i went into my room, collapsed on my bed and i went into shock. i called the doctor on-call, and was told to take pain killers and if they worked, not to worry. Well, i started spotting Monday. i couldn't push out the pee from my full bladder without pain and more effort than should be required. i called the doctor yesterday. She is going to be sending me for an ultrasound. i am seeing her on Friday and we will be doing a urine test. On top of that, i have instructions to follow.
No driving
i can no longer pick up a laundry basket
i need to ask someone to put a 12 pack of pop in the fridge for me
i can not push the MIT in His wheelchair
If the spotting increases, i am to call and get an appointment to be seen
If i can not go pee again, i am to call and get an immediate appointment
Drink lots of water (tea is ok, but not so much diet pepsi. i drink tea slower than pop)
If it hurts, don't do it
At least i am still not smoking. Today started week 3. The staff at the diabetic clinic are proud of me. my therapist is proud of me. my Sis's groups is proud of me. The MIT's nurse is actually proud of me (she was sure i wouldn't and couldn't do it past a day or two). Heck, i am very proud of me.
Today i am fascinated by Etsy. It is an interesting site. i am enjoying looking at the "stores" of those in my province, and even in my city. It is cool. Some of the things i am seeing, i want. Other stuff is giving me ideas. The great news is i have been sitting here, and not craving a smoke. Go me!
Oh yeah...i gave up Chinese food for Lent
Best part was that i told her how i felt. i didn't let the idea that i wouldn't be pleasing and was probably not going to be getting her approval didn't stop me. i am getting better at that. Same thing with asking my Mom and Dad and Sis for help. i don't mind if they say no to me. It isn't a personal attack if they do that. It doesn't mean i am a bad person if i speak up. i still struggle with this, but i am watching myself get better with it.
Saturday was a difficult day. i pushed one of the MIT's OCD buttons, and He ended up getting physical with me. This included 2 kicks (and not passive ones, but deliberate ones) to my gut. Once i had gotten Him all calmed down, and sitting on the couch with my Sis, i went into my room, collapsed on my bed and i went into shock. i called the doctor on-call, and was told to take pain killers and if they worked, not to worry. Well, i started spotting Monday. i couldn't push out the pee from my full bladder without pain and more effort than should be required. i called the doctor yesterday. She is going to be sending me for an ultrasound. i am seeing her on Friday and we will be doing a urine test. On top of that, i have instructions to follow.
No driving
i can no longer pick up a laundry basket
i need to ask someone to put a 12 pack of pop in the fridge for me
i can not push the MIT in His wheelchair
If the spotting increases, i am to call and get an appointment to be seen
If i can not go pee again, i am to call and get an immediate appointment
Drink lots of water (tea is ok, but not so much diet pepsi. i drink tea slower than pop)
If it hurts, don't do it
At least i am still not smoking. Today started week 3. The staff at the diabetic clinic are proud of me. my therapist is proud of me. my Sis's groups is proud of me. The MIT's nurse is actually proud of me (she was sure i wouldn't and couldn't do it past a day or two). Heck, i am very proud of me.
Today i am fascinated by Etsy. It is an interesting site. i am enjoying looking at the "stores" of those in my province, and even in my city. It is cool. Some of the things i am seeing, i want. Other stuff is giving me ideas. The great news is i have been sitting here, and not craving a smoke. Go me!
Oh yeah...i gave up Chinese food for Lent
Friday, February 27, 2009
One week since
It has been one week since my surgery. It has been one week since i decided to quit smoking. So here is what has been happening.
Surgery - it went really well. The doctor was able to reach my fallopian tubes and clip them. i am now not able to get pregnant. i no longer have to worry about a little egg getting fertilized. Now, when i miss months of periods, i don't have the worry about possibly being pregnant (in those times i actually have sex). The hole in my belly button is healing slowly. The hole above my c-section scare is well passed healed. i have bruising on my belly that would scare some sadists (not any i know but you get the idea). The doctor had said she sends most people back to work a week after the surgery. When i reminded her that my "work" includes lifting a 150 lb teenage boy, she said i should take 3 weeks. Like that is possible. He (the MIT) decided that the surgery was going to make me sweeter and nicer and not so mean. He realized that wasn't the case when i sent Him to bed at 8:00 because of bad behaviour. i think i have to stop letting Him watch so many dog programs.
Stopping smoking - It has been over a week without a smoke. my sense of smell is heightened (i can even smell the meds on the patches i put on every morning). my sense of taste is better. The cold i had left with in days. i have been knitting. i am almost 1/2 way done. i am making a Quaker Stitch afghan. See :
It is an interesting stitch. i am really enjoying it. i knit when i feel like having a smoke or even if i am just bored and am thinking of eating for no reason.
Today is therapy day. Today i get to tell Sandy that i actually had the surgery. i don't know why her trying to talk me out of it, or just talking about not having it done bothered me so much, but it did, and still does. Like i didn't think it out all the way? Like i will regret it at the age of 45 and want to try to have another child? Like i have the energy to have another child? There are way to many other options if i ever felt that way. Everything from fostering to adoption. Yup, it is still bothering me.
Today, i am also looking at my bank account. i didn't have to put out $100 for smokes last week. i didn't have to put out $100 this week for smokes. It is weird, and i don't trust it yet. i don't trust that i will not need the money for something serious or for something "just because".
OK, time to head off to shower and get ready for Sandy.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Taking steps
i have started taking the steps to quitting smoking. i have removed the ashtray from near the computer. i have removed the ashtray from my room. i have 2 ashtrays out, and the rest put away. i am changing where i smoke, and when i smoke. All steps to making my quit day easier.
Other stuff. Hmmm. On the 4th i had the diabetic clinic, then doctors, then dentist. At the clinic, i told them about my quit date. i also told them about me cooking more and ordering in less. i was honest about not checking my blood sugars, about not taking my meds all the time, and about the amount of stress i was under. i told them about the antibiotics, and the strep. They were really happy. i mean really happy. They were proud of my choices. They were proud of my attempts. They understood about the stress. i walked out feeling pretty good about myself.
Off to the doctor's i went. We also talked about my stress level, how i was feeling, and what was going on in my life. We talked about the upcoming surgery, and what would happen if the gyno couldn't do the tubal. Another good appointment.
Off to the dentist. An emergency situation. Real pain i couldn't handle anymore. It was decided i would have a tooth removed. So, in goes the freezing and out comes the tooth. Ouch, Ouch, Ouch. The gauze kept catching on something. i found a "sliver" i could wiggle around. i went back to the dentist the next day. He couldn't see anything. That night, i did it myself. i found the sliver, took a pair of jewelry pliers and pulled out the sliver. Yes it was bloody, and yes it hurt, but i did it. Since then, the healing has been happening nicely.
Today i am home with a sick kid. Yes the MIT is sick again. Cough, sneezes of projectile mucus, and a fever. He was home also yesterday. These past two days have been filled with Smallville. i think my brain has turned to mush.
Today i also went out shopping with my Mom for my birthday presents. i had given her a detailed list, and she got what she could off it, but i wanted to pick out 2 things myself. my family doesn't care if i know what i am getting, they are just happy i am wanting to celebrate this year, and actually want stuff, and not just money.
Here is my list:
i don't know if i am avoiding anything, or if i am just feeling hyper. Heck i am not really feeling anything. i am worried about the surgery. i am worried about the MIT. i am worried about finances. i am worried about getting wool and patterns for after the 18th. i am worried about my teeth. i guess i am avoiding a few feelings right now. my big question is, how do i face them?
OK, time to go and spend more time with the MIT until the nurse gets here, and then off to read for a while.
Other stuff. Hmmm. On the 4th i had the diabetic clinic, then doctors, then dentist. At the clinic, i told them about my quit date. i also told them about me cooking more and ordering in less. i was honest about not checking my blood sugars, about not taking my meds all the time, and about the amount of stress i was under. i told them about the antibiotics, and the strep. They were really happy. i mean really happy. They were proud of my choices. They were proud of my attempts. They understood about the stress. i walked out feeling pretty good about myself.
Off to the doctor's i went. We also talked about my stress level, how i was feeling, and what was going on in my life. We talked about the upcoming surgery, and what would happen if the gyno couldn't do the tubal. Another good appointment.
Off to the dentist. An emergency situation. Real pain i couldn't handle anymore. It was decided i would have a tooth removed. So, in goes the freezing and out comes the tooth. Ouch, Ouch, Ouch. The gauze kept catching on something. i found a "sliver" i could wiggle around. i went back to the dentist the next day. He couldn't see anything. That night, i did it myself. i found the sliver, took a pair of jewelry pliers and pulled out the sliver. Yes it was bloody, and yes it hurt, but i did it. Since then, the healing has been happening nicely.
Today i am home with a sick kid. Yes the MIT is sick again. Cough, sneezes of projectile mucus, and a fever. He was home also yesterday. These past two days have been filled with Smallville. i think my brain has turned to mush.
Today i also went out shopping with my Mom for my birthday presents. i had given her a detailed list, and she got what she could off it, but i wanted to pick out 2 things myself. my family doesn't care if i know what i am getting, they are just happy i am wanting to celebrate this year, and actually want stuff, and not just money.
Here is my list:
- enamel coated cast iron dutch oven - gotten
- cutting board - gotten
- wire shelves (for the bathroom) - gotten
- cutlery tray
- 2 mortar and pestles - gotten (1)
i don't know if i am avoiding anything, or if i am just feeling hyper. Heck i am not really feeling anything. i am worried about the surgery. i am worried about the MIT. i am worried about finances. i am worried about getting wool and patterns for after the 18th. i am worried about my teeth. i guess i am avoiding a few feelings right now. my big question is, how do i face them?
OK, time to go and spend more time with the MIT until the nurse gets here, and then off to read for a while.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Numb
It has been a week since i posted. A week since the funeral. Two weeks since her death. i still think about her every day. my heart skips a beat when i drive past the hospice. i keep thinking i should be in there with her. We should be scooting outside for a smoke, watching TV or talking about the staff. i am a friend. E must have it worse.
On Thursday E's daughter took me to the movies for her birthday. We saw Twilight. It was ok. What was better was the fact that she asked me. E didn't want to see it before she read the book, and i have already read it, and she thought of me. She even invited me to her birthday dinner on the Friday night. i wasn't able to go to that. Between therapy and tooth pain, i just didn't have the stamina.
Therapy was me feeling numb and not wanting to feel anything but that. The session was all factually. No feelings were discussed. Sandy said i needed that to breath. A chance to breath from the pain and loss and feeling. i can't feel numb right now. Every time one of the flowers withers, i cry. i save it and i cry at its loss. i cry as it represents to me, another part of her going away. The MIT has been home all week. It is exam time and He is home. We have been watching Smallville most of the week. He doesn't like to see me cry, so i have been hiding those feelings from Him.
Now for the tooth. i have been having tooth pain for a few weeks. It went away when i was on the antibiotics for strep. It came back. It got so bad, i actually stood at the door of the dentist Monday morning before they opened. i ended up coming home after a root canal. Can you say ouch? The only pain killer i am on is ibuprofen. Like that is a big help. On top of that, i have strep again, so i am on antibiotics for both the tooth thing and the throat.
i am really starting to hate January. Almost as much as i hate May.
On Thursday E's daughter took me to the movies for her birthday. We saw Twilight. It was ok. What was better was the fact that she asked me. E didn't want to see it before she read the book, and i have already read it, and she thought of me. She even invited me to her birthday dinner on the Friday night. i wasn't able to go to that. Between therapy and tooth pain, i just didn't have the stamina.
Therapy was me feeling numb and not wanting to feel anything but that. The session was all factually. No feelings were discussed. Sandy said i needed that to breath. A chance to breath from the pain and loss and feeling. i can't feel numb right now. Every time one of the flowers withers, i cry. i save it and i cry at its loss. i cry as it represents to me, another part of her going away. The MIT has been home all week. It is exam time and He is home. We have been watching Smallville most of the week. He doesn't like to see me cry, so i have been hiding those feelings from Him.
Now for the tooth. i have been having tooth pain for a few weeks. It went away when i was on the antibiotics for strep. It came back. It got so bad, i actually stood at the door of the dentist Monday morning before they opened. i ended up coming home after a root canal. Can you say ouch? The only pain killer i am on is ibuprofen. Like that is a big help. On top of that, i have strep again, so i am on antibiotics for both the tooth thing and the throat.
i am really starting to hate January. Almost as much as i hate May.
Monday, September 22, 2008
A nice weekend...and a nice acceptance
This weekend i actually went to M's and La's place. i hadn't gone to their place yet, and thought it was about time that i spent the gas money to see M, and not just him using his gas money to see me. i was nervous. i was worried. Heck i was even scared. i was going to be in the company of M, his daughter, and his wife, for all of Saturday and most of Sunday. i wasn't sure how the dynamic would be pulled off.
So, i arrived Saturday. The baby girl was asleep, and M was there with open arms, a hug, kisses and nibbles. We did a lot of that. Eventually we woke the baby girl, and he went to get La from work. i stayed with baby girl so they could have some quiet time together, and so they could get some groceries without her being a pain. Baby girl and i had a good time together. i like being around a 2 1/1 year old. i get to be more of a kid. i also get to be a friend. i did do something foolish. i got baby girl to help me clean up a bit, something M and La have had problems getting her to do. i spouted off about it when they got home. i didn't mean to, it just came out. i was seeking approval, but ended up making La feel like a bad mom. i made sure not to do that the next day. We had a good evening. M made a nice dinner. We all ate quietly. La and M bathed baby girl. La and M put her to bed. La and M discussed the sleeping arrangements. The decided all 3 of us would be in the same bed. La went to bed early. We all ended up in bed earlier than we all normally do. While La was settling, M and i fooled around in the living room.
Now, here is something completely different, and something i never thought i would have thought possible, especially by me, but M had multiple orgasms. 3 to be exact. All in a row. He never got soft, and i didn't stop sucking. 3 times. i can't believe it. i have never had that reaction from a guy. Then again, i am used to older men. But man it was cool. We ended up going to bed shortly after. He was totally exhausted. i slept at the end of the bed, at E's feet. He slept with his feet on the pillows and used me as his pillow. It was really cool. i want a king size bed.
Sunday morning was good. We all lazed in bed listening to baby girl play. Eventually we each got up. La made baby girl's breakfast, and i fed her, so La could have some more quiet time. M lazed in bed a bit longer. After breakfast, M dragged me back to the bedroom while E and baby girl watched a movies. We fooled around a bit. He got all toppy on me. It was cool. i got all nervous about La walking in on us, so he slowed down for my comfort. Later, they talked about what would have happened, and La said she would have just giggled and walked away. La had her shower while baby girl and i played, and M watched. Then it was my turn in the shower. Then M's turn. Then it was time for me and M to head out.
We went to a gaming store. M has a standing appointment at the store to play Magic. Magic is a card game. He has taught me a little, and i understand on a basic level. Watching him play with two others that know what they are doing was cool. His excitement shined through. So did his confidence. It was like when Mike and i would go bowling. Something outside of the BDSM stuff, where we could be "normal" people. We couldn't touch each other or show any signs of affection. The people there know La, and know he is married. We didn't think they could handle the idea that La and M are poly. i really did enjoy myself. We headed back to the apartment after a few games were played, to a dinner cooked by a happy La, and a very happy baby girl. La filled us in on how her day went, and we sat down to a good meal. Then it was time for me to get going.
i couldn't believe it. La pouted. M pouted also, but i didn't expect E to be upset that i was leaving. She likes me. She really likes me. She likes that i make M happy. She likes that i can play with baby girl and not try to take over. She likes that i defer to her, and not try to play "who is alpha" with her. She likes me. M didn't want me to leave, and i didn't want to leave much either. i liked the feeling of warmth and acceptance there. i like that i wasn't in town. i like how it was a mini vacation for me. Eventually i did leave. i got home safe and sound, and called to let them know.
Overall, the weekend was cool. i couldn't have intercourse because i had a PAP scheduled for Monday, but i got to feed. i got to feed a lot. i got to orgasm a lot also. He likes watching me when i orgasm. It is unnerving to a person that is easily embarrassed by her facial expressions, and that is exactly the type of person i am. He likes it though, so it makes it easier. He also likes that part of me i totally don't like. He thinks is it sweet. i think it is hideous. It is weird for me to be with someone that so totally finds me attractive. Weird / different, not weird / odd.
When the MIT came home, He came home sick. He stayed home from school today. He came to the doctor's with me. i had my PAP done, and have my paperwork for my blood work (a commitment i made at the diabetic clinic last week). my blood pressure was good, my weight is down. The cut on my breast is healing nicely. It was a good appointment. Then the MIT and i went and got some stuff from the grocery store. With it being the equinox, i made stew with potatoes, carrots, and rutabaga. We also have apples for apple crisp tomorrow.
i am cancelling giving E a reflexology treatment tomorrow. With the MIT being sick, and home, it wouldn't help her much. Also, i don't want to expose her or D to the MIT's cold. D's immune system is probably compromised, and i don't want to make things worse. i think i will actually call E and ask her what she would like to do. She may be desperate enough to still want the treatment, and to get the time away from her house. i just don't want to make things worse for her, P or D. (ok, called and E still wants the treatment, and i still want to see her because i miss her, and so we are on for tomorrow)
It was a good and nice weekend, and different than i have ever experienced. i am glad i am seeing/being with M. i am liking being with someone again. i am enjoying the acceptance from La. i am happy, and i am enjoying that too.
So, i arrived Saturday. The baby girl was asleep, and M was there with open arms, a hug, kisses and nibbles. We did a lot of that. Eventually we woke the baby girl, and he went to get La from work. i stayed with baby girl so they could have some quiet time together, and so they could get some groceries without her being a pain. Baby girl and i had a good time together. i like being around a 2 1/1 year old. i get to be more of a kid. i also get to be a friend. i did do something foolish. i got baby girl to help me clean up a bit, something M and La have had problems getting her to do. i spouted off about it when they got home. i didn't mean to, it just came out. i was seeking approval, but ended up making La feel like a bad mom. i made sure not to do that the next day. We had a good evening. M made a nice dinner. We all ate quietly. La and M bathed baby girl. La and M put her to bed. La and M discussed the sleeping arrangements. The decided all 3 of us would be in the same bed. La went to bed early. We all ended up in bed earlier than we all normally do. While La was settling, M and i fooled around in the living room.
Now, here is something completely different, and something i never thought i would have thought possible, especially by me, but M had multiple orgasms. 3 to be exact. All in a row. He never got soft, and i didn't stop sucking. 3 times. i can't believe it. i have never had that reaction from a guy. Then again, i am used to older men. But man it was cool. We ended up going to bed shortly after. He was totally exhausted. i slept at the end of the bed, at E's feet. He slept with his feet on the pillows and used me as his pillow. It was really cool. i want a king size bed.
Sunday morning was good. We all lazed in bed listening to baby girl play. Eventually we each got up. La made baby girl's breakfast, and i fed her, so La could have some more quiet time. M lazed in bed a bit longer. After breakfast, M dragged me back to the bedroom while E and baby girl watched a movies. We fooled around a bit. He got all toppy on me. It was cool. i got all nervous about La walking in on us, so he slowed down for my comfort. Later, they talked about what would have happened, and La said she would have just giggled and walked away. La had her shower while baby girl and i played, and M watched. Then it was my turn in the shower. Then M's turn. Then it was time for me and M to head out.
We went to a gaming store. M has a standing appointment at the store to play Magic. Magic is a card game. He has taught me a little, and i understand on a basic level. Watching him play with two others that know what they are doing was cool. His excitement shined through. So did his confidence. It was like when Mike and i would go bowling. Something outside of the BDSM stuff, where we could be "normal" people. We couldn't touch each other or show any signs of affection. The people there know La, and know he is married. We didn't think they could handle the idea that La and M are poly. i really did enjoy myself. We headed back to the apartment after a few games were played, to a dinner cooked by a happy La, and a very happy baby girl. La filled us in on how her day went, and we sat down to a good meal. Then it was time for me to get going.
i couldn't believe it. La pouted. M pouted also, but i didn't expect E to be upset that i was leaving. She likes me. She really likes me. She likes that i make M happy. She likes that i can play with baby girl and not try to take over. She likes that i defer to her, and not try to play "who is alpha" with her. She likes me. M didn't want me to leave, and i didn't want to leave much either. i liked the feeling of warmth and acceptance there. i like that i wasn't in town. i like how it was a mini vacation for me. Eventually i did leave. i got home safe and sound, and called to let them know.
Overall, the weekend was cool. i couldn't have intercourse because i had a PAP scheduled for Monday, but i got to feed. i got to feed a lot. i got to orgasm a lot also. He likes watching me when i orgasm. It is unnerving to a person that is easily embarrassed by her facial expressions, and that is exactly the type of person i am. He likes it though, so it makes it easier. He also likes that part of me i totally don't like. He thinks is it sweet. i think it is hideous. It is weird for me to be with someone that so totally finds me attractive. Weird / different, not weird / odd.
When the MIT came home, He came home sick. He stayed home from school today. He came to the doctor's with me. i had my PAP done, and have my paperwork for my blood work (a commitment i made at the diabetic clinic last week). my blood pressure was good, my weight is down. The cut on my breast is healing nicely. It was a good appointment. Then the MIT and i went and got some stuff from the grocery store. With it being the equinox, i made stew with potatoes, carrots, and rutabaga. We also have apples for apple crisp tomorrow.
i am cancelling giving E a reflexology treatment tomorrow. With the MIT being sick, and home, it wouldn't help her much. Also, i don't want to expose her or D to the MIT's cold. D's immune system is probably compromised, and i don't want to make things worse. i think i will actually call E and ask her what she would like to do. She may be desperate enough to still want the treatment, and to get the time away from her house. i just don't want to make things worse for her, P or D. (ok, called and E still wants the treatment, and i still want to see her because i miss her, and so we are on for tomorrow)
It was a good and nice weekend, and different than i have ever experienced. i am glad i am seeing/being with M. i am liking being with someone again. i am enjoying the acceptance from La. i am happy, and i am enjoying that too.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Monsters
i have created a monster. A camping monster. Yes the MIT so enjoyed camping, that we are going again in October. He wants to go every month. Yes, even the winter months. Try to explain to Him that it is very cold going camping in the winter, and He says "so what". He says "but the fire will keep us warm", or "the tent will keep us warm". Heck with the way the weather has been lately, October will be cold. Even in the sun. November? i don't think so.
Right now, my Dad is "fixing" the tent. He has waterproofed it, and patched the only hole in it. He is also excited about going camping again. He is planning on hunting for warms before we leave so maybe we will have better luck with the fish. i think they will not be so hungry. i think the fish will be sleeping. OH, and talking about excited about us going, so is my Mom. Heck, she is paying for it. She suggested it. i think she really enjoyed the weekend off.
i am totally going to enjoy it. i love sitting around a fire when it is cool out. Jeans, sweatshirt, fuzzy socks. Even if we don't go fishing, or do anything but sit around a fire all day, i will be a happy camper. This time i will actually bring a book to read. i am also going to be packing another mug, so i could have hot chocolate while the boys are having coffee.
On the dating front, things are going well. We don't get to see each other as often as He would like, but i am cool with it. i like having a life away from Him. He is also moving really fast with His feelings. i am actually having issues with the 0-200 when we are together. i don't' mind pain, but i need to get into the mindset. The instant biting once He arrives, is a little hard for me. His constantly needing to touch me, to be in the same room with me, the big need to kiss ALL the time is getting, smothering almost. i am not looking for problems. i am just hoping He will be able to calm things down a bit. i don't mind being His chew toy, but i do long for more.
i long for my hair being pulled. i long for a spanking. i long for orders. i long for being told what He expects of me. i know He is new. i know He isn't used to all this. i know He isn't used to being able to act on His fantasies. Heck, i wish He would share some with me, so i know where His head is.
Instead, i am putting my head back into that space where i do and accept what is being done to and with me as a service. That what i am doing and how i am acting is a reflection on Him. That what i am doing and how i am acting is an act of submission. That the submission is really what i am craving and i am getting that by being His chew toy.
Right now, my Dad is "fixing" the tent. He has waterproofed it, and patched the only hole in it. He is also excited about going camping again. He is planning on hunting for warms before we leave so maybe we will have better luck with the fish. i think they will not be so hungry. i think the fish will be sleeping. OH, and talking about excited about us going, so is my Mom. Heck, she is paying for it. She suggested it. i think she really enjoyed the weekend off.
i am totally going to enjoy it. i love sitting around a fire when it is cool out. Jeans, sweatshirt, fuzzy socks. Even if we don't go fishing, or do anything but sit around a fire all day, i will be a happy camper. This time i will actually bring a book to read. i am also going to be packing another mug, so i could have hot chocolate while the boys are having coffee.
On the dating front, things are going well. We don't get to see each other as often as He would like, but i am cool with it. i like having a life away from Him. He is also moving really fast with His feelings. i am actually having issues with the 0-200 when we are together. i don't' mind pain, but i need to get into the mindset. The instant biting once He arrives, is a little hard for me. His constantly needing to touch me, to be in the same room with me, the big need to kiss ALL the time is getting, smothering almost. i am not looking for problems. i am just hoping He will be able to calm things down a bit. i don't mind being His chew toy, but i do long for more.
i long for my hair being pulled. i long for a spanking. i long for orders. i long for being told what He expects of me. i know He is new. i know He isn't used to all this. i know He isn't used to being able to act on His fantasies. Heck, i wish He would share some with me, so i know where His head is.
Instead, i am putting my head back into that space where i do and accept what is being done to and with me as a service. That what i am doing and how i am acting is a reflection on Him. That what i am doing and how i am acting is an act of submission. That the submission is really what i am craving and i am getting that by being His chew toy.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Home from Camp (day 63 of summer vacation)
Camp was different, and kind of weird this year. It was fun. It was interesting. i totally enjoyed myself.
Arriving first on Thursday, the only one there from my group was cool. i got to unpack my stuff, set up my cabin, and just sit back and relax. i did have moments when i thought i had to do stuff (like in the past) and had to keep telling myself i wasn't working this year. i started my fire. i sat out in the fresh air. i read my book. i listened to the quiet. It was great. Slowly more from my group showed up. L&D were first. Next came H&D. Then there was rain. i was able to keep my fire going during the entire storm. Now that felt cool.
i had made plans with J about meeting up with him at his cabin, with dinner and blankets and stuff in hand. Of course, i didn't know when he would be arriving, or what cabin he would be in. While it was raining, i saw this big guy wandering past my cabin. i called out "Jared?" and he came right over. i stood up, and His approach just bowled me over. i so dropped at that point. He grabbed my hair, kissed me, and asked me where i was. i know i was nervous. i was in "kiddy" mode. i told Him about the frog i found. It was nervous energy.
He told me that he expected me at His cabin, with food and His bed made. God i was so "there". i was in that moment. i was at peace and comfortable. i did what i was told. i packed dinner into the van, and i headed over to His cabin. i made the bed, and set out a plate of dinner and a can of cold pop for Him. And i waited. (He was helping A with her floating tent) When we were able to get a moment together (A and M were going to be staying with Him that night, because of the rain) we were right back to that space where i was on my knees, and getting my hair pulled and feeling like i belonged there. God that felt good. Eventually i left, as they were going to settle for the night. i went back to my cabin and relaxed and enjoyed the rain, and the fire, and headed off to bed.
Friday started ok. i started my fire again. i made breakfast while L&D&H set up the cooking tent and H's selling tent. i actually cooked over an open fire. i cooked eggs, bacon, pemeal bacon, and sausages. i did them in steps so that people were able to eat while they worked. J came over and asked me how long i would be. i said i would be about 1/2 hour. He said to go to A's site in one hour. i agreed (ooooops). 1 1/2 hours later, i finally left my site, took J breakfast, and waited for Him at His cabin. This was not a good start. He ended up going over to my cabin looking for me, had a bit of a confrontation with H&L and then came to find me. J and i had to talk. i was reminded that He knew my priority was the group, and needed me to communicate better, when i was available to be with Him, and do what He and i needed to do. Unfortunately, this set up a bit of a "road block" as far as H (especially) and L were concerned. (H never did get over it)
Friday was a bad day for me. i kept saying i would do things, and didn't. i felt caught in the middle as far as the "responsibilities of the group" and what everyone else wanted to do. i felt loopy. i was lost and needed centering. i never really got there. i had told J i would be right back, and didn't return, but laid down instead (that was when S&J arrived). i irritated J. i felt totally out of sorts. Things could have gone much better, but i really think i hit that cycle i sometimes do. The one where if i screw up, i continue, because i don't know how to ask for a way out, or help in getting out. (i really need to work on that). Eventually Friday night came together. J and i laid on His bed and worked on the demos. He told me what He expected of me. He and i wrote His handouts for the breath play demo. He used my back as His desk, while dictating to me. We played with the breath play so i knew what to expect. We talked about the blood letting demo, and what i was to expect. It was a nice centering, and "homey" place for me. J joined us all for dinner. P&E eventually showed up. There was laughter and i had my orders for the next day of demos.
Saturday i was up and ready to go by 6:00 am. i showered and dressed. i packed what i needed to keep at the demo sites. i was at J's cabin when i was supposed to be. i radioed L when she had wanted me to. i was great. i felt great. i was excited and anxious about the entire day. J was concentrating on what He needed to do. i was concentrating on what i needed to do. It was wonderful. L helped with the fear play. E did my after care for that while J still talked. Once He was done, He did my after care. We moved on to the breath play. (none of my group came to that) That was fun. i love breath play. He demonstrated different techniques on me. He had me floating. He made sure i was good after the demo. He made sure i got a kiss after my needing to walk away. He let me stay close when i needed, and He let me go away when i needed to, but always kept an eye on me. After the breath play, we had a bit of a break. i took a walk back to my cabin, and sat for a bit, and headed back up to the demo that i was most excited about.
Blood letting. i have never done that before. i had wanted to do it. i needed to do it. i wanted that sensation and pain. No one from the group showed again. That was ok. J was great. Sure He was concentrating on the actual demo. We didn't really connect during it. Well, at one point we really did. During the cut down was the best. It was still really great. It felt really wonderful. i have a beautiful set of stitches on my right arm. i have no bruising. i was floaty and totally on a high. We ended back at His cabin and laid down and relaxed and talked and talked. It was great after care. It was what we both needed. Eventually i left Him and headed back to my cabin to come down even more.
i am not ready to talk about after that. Things got really weird, and off center, and not great. Not with J, but with others. Maybe i will eventually be able to talk about it, but not likely here. Not yet anyways.
But, i am home. The MIT is with me. i have stitches in my arm, and love how they feel. i have a bruise on my right shoulder. i am still a little floaty. i had a good weekend.
Arriving first on Thursday, the only one there from my group was cool. i got to unpack my stuff, set up my cabin, and just sit back and relax. i did have moments when i thought i had to do stuff (like in the past) and had to keep telling myself i wasn't working this year. i started my fire. i sat out in the fresh air. i read my book. i listened to the quiet. It was great. Slowly more from my group showed up. L&D were first. Next came H&D. Then there was rain. i was able to keep my fire going during the entire storm. Now that felt cool.
i had made plans with J about meeting up with him at his cabin, with dinner and blankets and stuff in hand. Of course, i didn't know when he would be arriving, or what cabin he would be in. While it was raining, i saw this big guy wandering past my cabin. i called out "Jared?" and he came right over. i stood up, and His approach just bowled me over. i so dropped at that point. He grabbed my hair, kissed me, and asked me where i was. i know i was nervous. i was in "kiddy" mode. i told Him about the frog i found. It was nervous energy.
He told me that he expected me at His cabin, with food and His bed made. God i was so "there". i was in that moment. i was at peace and comfortable. i did what i was told. i packed dinner into the van, and i headed over to His cabin. i made the bed, and set out a plate of dinner and a can of cold pop for Him. And i waited. (He was helping A with her floating tent) When we were able to get a moment together (A and M were going to be staying with Him that night, because of the rain) we were right back to that space where i was on my knees, and getting my hair pulled and feeling like i belonged there. God that felt good. Eventually i left, as they were going to settle for the night. i went back to my cabin and relaxed and enjoyed the rain, and the fire, and headed off to bed.
Friday started ok. i started my fire again. i made breakfast while L&D&H set up the cooking tent and H's selling tent. i actually cooked over an open fire. i cooked eggs, bacon, pemeal bacon, and sausages. i did them in steps so that people were able to eat while they worked. J came over and asked me how long i would be. i said i would be about 1/2 hour. He said to go to A's site in one hour. i agreed (ooooops). 1 1/2 hours later, i finally left my site, took J breakfast, and waited for Him at His cabin. This was not a good start. He ended up going over to my cabin looking for me, had a bit of a confrontation with H&L and then came to find me. J and i had to talk. i was reminded that He knew my priority was the group, and needed me to communicate better, when i was available to be with Him, and do what He and i needed to do. Unfortunately, this set up a bit of a "road block" as far as H (especially) and L were concerned. (H never did get over it)
Friday was a bad day for me. i kept saying i would do things, and didn't. i felt caught in the middle as far as the "responsibilities of the group" and what everyone else wanted to do. i felt loopy. i was lost and needed centering. i never really got there. i had told J i would be right back, and didn't return, but laid down instead (that was when S&J arrived). i irritated J. i felt totally out of sorts. Things could have gone much better, but i really think i hit that cycle i sometimes do. The one where if i screw up, i continue, because i don't know how to ask for a way out, or help in getting out. (i really need to work on that). Eventually Friday night came together. J and i laid on His bed and worked on the demos. He told me what He expected of me. He and i wrote His handouts for the breath play demo. He used my back as His desk, while dictating to me. We played with the breath play so i knew what to expect. We talked about the blood letting demo, and what i was to expect. It was a nice centering, and "homey" place for me. J joined us all for dinner. P&E eventually showed up. There was laughter and i had my orders for the next day of demos.
Saturday i was up and ready to go by 6:00 am. i showered and dressed. i packed what i needed to keep at the demo sites. i was at J's cabin when i was supposed to be. i radioed L when she had wanted me to. i was great. i felt great. i was excited and anxious about the entire day. J was concentrating on what He needed to do. i was concentrating on what i needed to do. It was wonderful. L helped with the fear play. E did my after care for that while J still talked. Once He was done, He did my after care. We moved on to the breath play. (none of my group came to that) That was fun. i love breath play. He demonstrated different techniques on me. He had me floating. He made sure i was good after the demo. He made sure i got a kiss after my needing to walk away. He let me stay close when i needed, and He let me go away when i needed to, but always kept an eye on me. After the breath play, we had a bit of a break. i took a walk back to my cabin, and sat for a bit, and headed back up to the demo that i was most excited about.
Blood letting. i have never done that before. i had wanted to do it. i needed to do it. i wanted that sensation and pain. No one from the group showed again. That was ok. J was great. Sure He was concentrating on the actual demo. We didn't really connect during it. Well, at one point we really did. During the cut down was the best. It was still really great. It felt really wonderful. i have a beautiful set of stitches on my right arm. i have no bruising. i was floaty and totally on a high. We ended back at His cabin and laid down and relaxed and talked and talked. It was great after care. It was what we both needed. Eventually i left Him and headed back to my cabin to come down even more.
i am not ready to talk about after that. Things got really weird, and off center, and not great. Not with J, but with others. Maybe i will eventually be able to talk about it, but not likely here. Not yet anyways.
But, i am home. The MIT is with me. i have stitches in my arm, and love how they feel. i have a bruise on my right shoulder. i am still a little floaty. i had a good weekend.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Just another day (day 23)
Today is just another day. Things are good. Things are moving slowly around here. We aren't in any hurry to do anything. We wake-up when we want. We eat when we are hungry. We get dressed slowly. It is a nice, slow, summer.
i am really enjoying the new thermostat. i can see exactly what the temp is in the house. i have used less a/c this year, than any prior year. This will surely help my hydro bill. It will also help my gas bill in the winter. That is a good thing.
The MIT is still hurting. i don't know why His hip has been hurting so much. i will have to ask the doctor today about it again. i am going to ask her to refer Him to a specialist. He needs to be able to walk without pain.
Today i will also be asking the doctor to refer me to the diabetic clinic at MUMC. i need their help. i am doing my best, and have made some really good changes, but i am still not able to handle my cravings. i need backup with that. i am currently eating the same breakfast every morning. variety at that meal is not an issue. The same thing is easy, and i feel comfortable with it. It is healthy and good for me, and i actually eat breakfast now. Lunches are my most difficult. i don't really know what to reach for. Dinners are ok, as long as i eat it late. If i eat it too soon, i start craving more and more food as the night goes on. That along with the no sleep seems to work really well.
Over the last week, the MIT has had a really rough time with His body. His right side was gone (off and on) from Thursday until Thursday, and then His body changed sides. His left side has been gone (on and off) since then. His balance is sucking. He falls even when both sides work really well. His physical milestones are just leaving Him. At least His social skills, and His cognitive abilities are growing. That sucks in its own way. He is more aware of how much His body is letting Him down.
Well, that is all for today. i have realized i write more in my written journal than here, and i get lost in what i actually post here verses what i write in there. i have been writing so much, i will soon need a new journal.
i am really enjoying the new thermostat. i can see exactly what the temp is in the house. i have used less a/c this year, than any prior year. This will surely help my hydro bill. It will also help my gas bill in the winter. That is a good thing.
The MIT is still hurting. i don't know why His hip has been hurting so much. i will have to ask the doctor today about it again. i am going to ask her to refer Him to a specialist. He needs to be able to walk without pain.
Today i will also be asking the doctor to refer me to the diabetic clinic at MUMC. i need their help. i am doing my best, and have made some really good changes, but i am still not able to handle my cravings. i need backup with that. i am currently eating the same breakfast every morning. variety at that meal is not an issue. The same thing is easy, and i feel comfortable with it. It is healthy and good for me, and i actually eat breakfast now. Lunches are my most difficult. i don't really know what to reach for. Dinners are ok, as long as i eat it late. If i eat it too soon, i start craving more and more food as the night goes on. That along with the no sleep seems to work really well.
Over the last week, the MIT has had a really rough time with His body. His right side was gone (off and on) from Thursday until Thursday, and then His body changed sides. His left side has been gone (on and off) since then. His balance is sucking. He falls even when both sides work really well. His physical milestones are just leaving Him. At least His social skills, and His cognitive abilities are growing. That sucks in its own way. He is more aware of how much His body is letting Him down.
Well, that is all for today. i have realized i write more in my written journal than here, and i get lost in what i actually post here verses what i write in there. i have been writing so much, i will soon need a new journal.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Father's Day, Garden, and other stuff
It has been a while since i last posted here. i have been writing in my pen and paper journal almost every day. Things are good. Things have sucked.
my back went out on the 7th, so i have been struggling with that. Oxycotton was my saviour. Add the fact that the MIT has been full blown at least an hour every day, and needing lifting or support, it has been a big struggle. i now have to get up an hour earlier every day, to stretch out my back and be able to move and help the MIT. i am now on plain alieve. That is a good improvement. The MIT has 2 more days of school, and then summer vacation is on. i have signed Him up for summer school, but won't know anything about that until around July 6. Until then, it is "entertain MIT" time. i do hope He is accepted in the summer school program. It will give me a break for at least part of the summer.
Today is Father's day, and i will be going to my parent's place for dinner. i have the presents from me and Sis. i have to wrap them up and take them with me. The MIT wants to give Dad something that isn't even out yet. i need to find a picture of it so the MIT can give Dad something.
Dad and i have been getting along well. He helped me fix my outdoor tap and hose. We are planning on building the gate together. It is going to be a daughter/daddy project. We haven't done one of those in years. i think i can even get Him to help me with the garden dilemma. He feels like i do, that my neighbours don't really know what they are doing.
my gardening is coming along. i am enjoying my herbs. i have summer savoury drying in my kitchen, and it smells great. Having chives to enjoy when ever i want is wonderful. The lemon balm is coming along nicely. The lavender isn't doing too well, but it is a perennial, so i don't expect to see very much for a while. i am waiting for the chamomile to grab hold. my neighbours and i are sharing my back yard for a veggie garden. i want to fix what they have done. i just don't have the money for it right now. i need to box in that garden and put more soil in it, so all the seeds don't keep getting washed away. i also want to till out the grass area, and lay sod. What i have now looks like shit. i want the entire back yard to be functional and good looking. i like where the veggie area is, and i want to be able to build in a flower garden near where i want the gate and stair. my biggest issue is that my eyes and head have bigger ideas than my bank account.
Camp is 2 months away. i am really looking forward to it. It is the first time "we" don't have to be the "go-to" people. i am hoping for a relaxing weekend. i know i have to start planning for that. i know i will be transporting 2 benches. i will also be transporting my own stuff. i wonder about what we are going to do about meals, and what i have to buy for that. Other than gas for the van, and food for a meal or two, i am not lacking equipment or supplies. Costs shouldn't be too bad.
i have been keeping my friends in my thoughts. K has surgery coming up on the 20th. It could be the C word. It might not. i am hoping for not. L&D are struggling with their new friend Atlas. Atlas needs training, and has a habit of getting away from them. Hopefully over the summer the MIT and i can go out there and meet this new friend. He sounds like one heck of a challenge. P is worried about K. E is worried about P and K. B is worried about K. Heck, everyone is worried about K. S, well, i have missed her, and am being a bad friend to her. i have lost track of how she is doing. Her health issues have a name, and now she is having to deal with it. She is doing better than i have. i am jealous of that. i am jealous of the fact that she is able to keep her sugars under control, but i just can't keep a handle on it. She has much more self control than i do. i am proud of her for that.
The reflexology situation sucks. i have advertised places (kijiji, school program) but i am getting no bites. Plus i have forgotten the entire procedure and need to use the book again. If you don't use it, you loose it. i tried to give E a session, but had not taken my book, and forgot so much. i need to do a "do-over" with her. i need to make the effort to go out and actually do it to E and P more often. They are in much need of it, and i need the practice. Sis has had me do sessions for her. She has one coming Monday.
i am still very happy with the scene i had with PM. i am glad we did it. It showed me that i can still "take" a lot. It showed me that i am still me deep down inside. It also showed me that i am wanted and attractive to some. i just don't know how much i want to put myself out there. People i know, i am comfortable with. Strangers, not so much.
Well, i guess that is enough venting. There are presents to wrap, cards to create. There is racing to watch, and a much needed shower to take.
i hope everyone has a good weekend.
my back went out on the 7th, so i have been struggling with that. Oxycotton was my saviour. Add the fact that the MIT has been full blown at least an hour every day, and needing lifting or support, it has been a big struggle. i now have to get up an hour earlier every day, to stretch out my back and be able to move and help the MIT. i am now on plain alieve. That is a good improvement. The MIT has 2 more days of school, and then summer vacation is on. i have signed Him up for summer school, but won't know anything about that until around July 6. Until then, it is "entertain MIT" time. i do hope He is accepted in the summer school program. It will give me a break for at least part of the summer.
Today is Father's day, and i will be going to my parent's place for dinner. i have the presents from me and Sis. i have to wrap them up and take them with me. The MIT wants to give Dad something that isn't even out yet. i need to find a picture of it so the MIT can give Dad something.
Dad and i have been getting along well. He helped me fix my outdoor tap and hose. We are planning on building the gate together. It is going to be a daughter/daddy project. We haven't done one of those in years. i think i can even get Him to help me with the garden dilemma. He feels like i do, that my neighbours don't really know what they are doing.
my gardening is coming along. i am enjoying my herbs. i have summer savoury drying in my kitchen, and it smells great. Having chives to enjoy when ever i want is wonderful. The lemon balm is coming along nicely. The lavender isn't doing too well, but it is a perennial, so i don't expect to see very much for a while. i am waiting for the chamomile to grab hold. my neighbours and i are sharing my back yard for a veggie garden. i want to fix what they have done. i just don't have the money for it right now. i need to box in that garden and put more soil in it, so all the seeds don't keep getting washed away. i also want to till out the grass area, and lay sod. What i have now looks like shit. i want the entire back yard to be functional and good looking. i like where the veggie area is, and i want to be able to build in a flower garden near where i want the gate and stair. my biggest issue is that my eyes and head have bigger ideas than my bank account.
Camp is 2 months away. i am really looking forward to it. It is the first time "we" don't have to be the "go-to" people. i am hoping for a relaxing weekend. i know i have to start planning for that. i know i will be transporting 2 benches. i will also be transporting my own stuff. i wonder about what we are going to do about meals, and what i have to buy for that. Other than gas for the van, and food for a meal or two, i am not lacking equipment or supplies. Costs shouldn't be too bad.
i have been keeping my friends in my thoughts. K has surgery coming up on the 20th. It could be the C word. It might not. i am hoping for not. L&D are struggling with their new friend Atlas. Atlas needs training, and has a habit of getting away from them. Hopefully over the summer the MIT and i can go out there and meet this new friend. He sounds like one heck of a challenge. P is worried about K. E is worried about P and K. B is worried about K. Heck, everyone is worried about K. S, well, i have missed her, and am being a bad friend to her. i have lost track of how she is doing. Her health issues have a name, and now she is having to deal with it. She is doing better than i have. i am jealous of that. i am jealous of the fact that she is able to keep her sugars under control, but i just can't keep a handle on it. She has much more self control than i do. i am proud of her for that.
The reflexology situation sucks. i have advertised places (kijiji, school program) but i am getting no bites. Plus i have forgotten the entire procedure and need to use the book again. If you don't use it, you loose it. i tried to give E a session, but had not taken my book, and forgot so much. i need to do a "do-over" with her. i need to make the effort to go out and actually do it to E and P more often. They are in much need of it, and i need the practice. Sis has had me do sessions for her. She has one coming Monday.
i am still very happy with the scene i had with PM. i am glad we did it. It showed me that i can still "take" a lot. It showed me that i am still me deep down inside. It also showed me that i am wanted and attractive to some. i just don't know how much i want to put myself out there. People i know, i am comfortable with. Strangers, not so much.
Well, i guess that is enough venting. There are presents to wrap, cards to create. There is racing to watch, and a much needed shower to take.
i hope everyone has a good weekend.
Friday, February 01, 2008
Snow Day!!!!!!
It is officially a snow day. The MIT was supposed to go to school today, but that has changed because of the weather. School was cancelled. YEAH !!!!!!
Now all i have to hope is that my doctor's appointment isn't cancelled, because i don't know how long i can deal with this pain. This damned cyst is killing me. The antibiotics are killing me. Well, not really killing me, but draining me of energy. The pain is bad when i have to move around. The antibiotics make my stomach feel really bad.
Yeah for no school, but booo if my appointment is cancelled.
Now all i have to hope is that my doctor's appointment isn't cancelled, because i don't know how long i can deal with this pain. This damned cyst is killing me. The antibiotics are killing me. Well, not really killing me, but draining me of energy. The pain is bad when i have to move around. The antibiotics make my stomach feel really bad.
Yeah for no school, but booo if my appointment is cancelled.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Cyst sucks
Who knew that a cyst could take so much energy out of me? Who knew the antibiotic would make my stomach roll so much? Who knew that i would be looking forward to going to the doctor's tomorrow to have a whole put into my body (again) to get gunk taken out of me? i didn't know all this. Now i do.
i have accomplished some stuff, mainly because the MIT is still home, and doesn't return to school until tomorrow. His not going to school during the exam weeks is hard. We have gotten groceries, done running around, used up the last of His Christmas certificates. He has been really good at entertaining Himself. He has been really good at "mothering" me. He makes sure i take my meds on time, and that i lie down on the couch and not move to much. Well, He does until He is hungry. Then i am supposed to jump up and get moving. He is a good boy. i am glad He is my son.
i am actually looking forward to tomorrow. At least then the pressure will be gone, and i may actually be able to move around better.
i have accomplished some stuff, mainly because the MIT is still home, and doesn't return to school until tomorrow. His not going to school during the exam weeks is hard. We have gotten groceries, done running around, used up the last of His Christmas certificates. He has been really good at entertaining Himself. He has been really good at "mothering" me. He makes sure i take my meds on time, and that i lie down on the couch and not move to much. Well, He does until He is hungry. Then i am supposed to jump up and get moving. He is a good boy. i am glad He is my son.
i am actually looking forward to tomorrow. At least then the pressure will be gone, and i may actually be able to move around better.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Week 9 and Carpet is in!!!!
Today is the first day of week 9. Another week down. Only 2 and a bit weeks until school begins. Thank goodness. i am at the end of my rope. There is only so much i can handle, and this summer has taken its toll.
Today i finally got a new carpet. On the right, is what it used to look like. This is just a small section of the yucky thing. See all the bumps and bubbles? Those were all over the carpet. The MIT would trip over them all the time. It was ugly and unsafe.
Today i finally got a new carpet. On the right, is what it used to look like. This is just a small section of the yucky thing. See all the bumps and bubbles? Those were all over the carpet. The MIT would trip over them all the time. It was ugly and unsafe. On the left is the new carpet. Isn't it great? All smooth and 
pretty. The colour is better also. Much lighter, and no stains!!! i am a very happy camper. Now i just have to move everything back to where it belongs.
pretty. The colour is better also. Much lighter, and no stains!!! i am a very happy camper. Now i just have to move everything back to where it belongs. While the carpet was being installed, the MIT decided to show off. He sat on the railing in front of the house, and fell off it. The first fall was backwards onto the pile of old carpet, so there was no damage. The second fall was head first onto the patio pavement. The one guy that was installing the carpet, helped break the MIT's fall, so the bump on His head isn't to bad. i am hoping to get a picture of it, just for memory sake.
This week is getting ready for Camp week. This requires shopping, shopping and more shopping, packing the van, emptying the van, repacking the van. The stress will come with taking the seats out of the van, and making sure i get everything on my lists for camp. The other stressful thing is packing the van with all the DSSG stuff, and then making sure i can pack all of my stuff. Luckily i am a list maker, and have plenty of lists to go by. i just hope i don't forget anything. Especially the DSSG stuff.
i have been having trouble maintaining a calmness in me. i am taking all my meds. i am eating pretty ok (i think i gained). i will talk to the doctor about it tomorrow. i don't want to be on more meds, but i can't keep "coping" the way i have been. The stuff i talked to my therapist about is still running rampant in my head. i am having trouble letting it go and just living day to day. Then again, part of what therapy is about for me, is dealing with how i feel, when i feel it. So maybe there is a reason i keep thinking about what i discussed on Friday. i guess i will wait and see and talk to the doctor tomorrow.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Pain Free
i don't know what they gave me at the hospital, but i woke up today pain free. No more pain in my head. God that was the worst pain i have ever had. 6 days of my head feeling like there was a claw in my brain and squeezing. i didn't think it was a migraine. i wasn't light sesative or noise sensative. It didn't feel like my regular migraines. Plus the fact that the pain originated in my calf on the 17th. None of it made sense. My doctor was at a loss, so she sent me to the hospital. They did a CT Scan and gave me migraine medication, and it worked. No pain. No need for a pain killer today. God i feel normal again.
i also happened to be dehydrated. The plain fluid they gave me didn't make me go pee until this morning, and it wasn't all that much that came out. So it is less pop and more water for me.
During all this pain, i was doing some things i should. i ate 3 times a day and i took all my meds when i should. my blood sugars are pretty normal. That is a nice feeling again. Also, i haven't been eating after 8, since i have been to bed about that time each night.
Today i am going to get back to normal. Tonight i am going back to water fit. Today i am getting the house back in order. After water fit, i am going to get groceries. i am seriously low on bread and other important stuff. Damn i wish it was warmer. Today would be the first day i could have actually have enjoyed the sunshine. Well, at least i have learned to enjoy my candles. i can't stop enjoying their glow.
Off to do dishes and vacuum. i am so glad to be back to my "normal" self
i also happened to be dehydrated. The plain fluid they gave me didn't make me go pee until this morning, and it wasn't all that much that came out. So it is less pop and more water for me.
During all this pain, i was doing some things i should. i ate 3 times a day and i took all my meds when i should. my blood sugars are pretty normal. That is a nice feeling again. Also, i haven't been eating after 8, since i have been to bed about that time each night.
Today i am going to get back to normal. Tonight i am going back to water fit. Today i am getting the house back in order. After water fit, i am going to get groceries. i am seriously low on bread and other important stuff. Damn i wish it was warmer. Today would be the first day i could have actually have enjoyed the sunshine. Well, at least i have learned to enjoy my candles. i can't stop enjoying their glow.
Off to do dishes and vacuum. i am so glad to be back to my "normal" self
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Pain returns
The pain has moved again. It is in my head and neck. It is so bad, i went to the hospital yesterday. The doctor there decided it was muscular. Great. i am now on pain killers and muscle relaxers. The doctor did set up a type of ultrasound for me to have today. It is to see if i have any clots in my legs and groin. i go back to my doctor tomorrow.
i am at the mercy of my Mom, Dad, and Sister, because i can't drive on all the meds, and because the pain is so bad. i definitely can't drive. i have a hard enough time just moving around the house. Then there is thinking. i can hardly think with all the pain in my head.
All i keep thinking about is how to get past the pain and actually get on with my life. i don't want to let this pain control me. i don't like sleeping most of the time, and not being able to move, and not being able to fee like i can do anything.
God i am complaining so much. Time to go and lie down until my Mom comes to get me for the ultra sound.
i am at the mercy of my Mom, Dad, and Sister, because i can't drive on all the meds, and because the pain is so bad. i definitely can't drive. i have a hard enough time just moving around the house. Then there is thinking. i can hardly think with all the pain in my head.
All i keep thinking about is how to get past the pain and actually get on with my life. i don't want to let this pain control me. i don't like sleeping most of the time, and not being able to move, and not being able to fee like i can do anything.
God i am complaining so much. Time to go and lie down until my Mom comes to get me for the ultra sound.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Living with It
So, the pain is still in-behind my shoulder blade. It doesn't look like it is leaving any time soon. So i have made a decision. i am going back to normal. i am going to try to reach my goals. i am going back to waterfit. i am going back to my life, and pretend the pain isn't there. i am doing all of this because i don't like how i feel right now. i feel fat, and lazy. i fell like a blob. i need to get moving again, and just deal. Last week was too much laying around and doing nothing. This week will be different. i will be going back to my life.
Part of the reason for this change in attitude, is i tried on some of my summer clothes from last year. Yeah, not a pretty sight. The other reason, was that i did sweep off my patio yesterday, and liked doing something physical again. i need to get back in control of moving around. i need, and want, to do more moving. i need, and want. to follow the goals i set for myself each week. i need, and want, to feel somewhat normal again.
This morning i woke up to the sound of a woodpecker. It is back. i have missed it. Years ago, when i first moved in here, there was a nice woodpecker that lived in a tree near my unit. The sound of it looking for food was so loud. The constant "tap-tap-tap" would drive me nuts, or bring me to a smile. From the sounds of this new woodpecker, it is in a tree fairly close, but not close enough to drive me insane. i love this time of year, when the trees all come back to life. When the birds are happy and chirping away. When i can open my blinds and have sun shine into my living room and warm me. When the nights have a slight chill. i love this time of year. Today will be spent doing more on the patio. No dressing it up with flowers yet. It isn't warm enough just yet. Instead i will be cleaning out the flower boxes of last year, and thinking about what to put in them this year. i also will be thinking about what changes i want to make this year. What i want to add, and what i want to take away.
So that is where i am. i am living with the sound of the woodpecker. i am living with the pain and working around it. i am living and moving and fulfilling my responsibilities.
Part of the reason for this change in attitude, is i tried on some of my summer clothes from last year. Yeah, not a pretty sight. The other reason, was that i did sweep off my patio yesterday, and liked doing something physical again. i need to get back in control of moving around. i need, and want, to do more moving. i need, and want. to follow the goals i set for myself each week. i need, and want, to feel somewhat normal again.
This morning i woke up to the sound of a woodpecker. It is back. i have missed it. Years ago, when i first moved in here, there was a nice woodpecker that lived in a tree near my unit. The sound of it looking for food was so loud. The constant "tap-tap-tap" would drive me nuts, or bring me to a smile. From the sounds of this new woodpecker, it is in a tree fairly close, but not close enough to drive me insane. i love this time of year, when the trees all come back to life. When the birds are happy and chirping away. When i can open my blinds and have sun shine into my living room and warm me. When the nights have a slight chill. i love this time of year. Today will be spent doing more on the patio. No dressing it up with flowers yet. It isn't warm enough just yet. Instead i will be cleaning out the flower boxes of last year, and thinking about what to put in them this year. i also will be thinking about what changes i want to make this year. What i want to add, and what i want to take away.
So that is where i am. i am living with the sound of the woodpecker. i am living with the pain and working around it. i am living and moving and fulfilling my responsibilities.
Friday, April 20, 2007
Pain and Progress
This week has been hard. No goals met. Too much pain to really do anything with. One thing that did come out of the pain, is i could not "control" my feelings as easily. i had bursts of crying and bursts of anger. Memories came flooding back. A lot of crying before falling asleep. i want this past week back.
Today i am feeling better. i guess. The pain behind my shoulder is still there. i loose sensation in my arm easily if i move the wrong way. i am not so scared by the pain anymore. i am not so worried about it being something scary. The doctor did great with the right combination of meds to control it. i just get so sleepy on it.
The MIT has been great with me. He has been taking care of me. He has been following the rules as best as possible. Bad news is that He is getting more and more incontinent. He has come home from school, in His change of clothes 3 times in the last 7 days. Last night He lost His temper and beat Himself. He was punching His leg, and then lost total control and started biting Himself. He hasn't done that in a long time. It feels like He is going backwards so much lately. Then again, it could just be me seeing things i usually wouldn't notice. It could very well be that i am so fixated on the idea of Him going backwards, that i am making more of what is going on with Him than i need to.
Today i am feeling better. i guess. The pain behind my shoulder is still there. i loose sensation in my arm easily if i move the wrong way. i am not so scared by the pain anymore. i am not so worried about it being something scary. The doctor did great with the right combination of meds to control it. i just get so sleepy on it.
The MIT has been great with me. He has been taking care of me. He has been following the rules as best as possible. Bad news is that He is getting more and more incontinent. He has come home from school, in His change of clothes 3 times in the last 7 days. Last night He lost His temper and beat Himself. He was punching His leg, and then lost total control and started biting Himself. He hasn't done that in a long time. It feels like He is going backwards so much lately. Then again, it could just be me seeing things i usually wouldn't notice. It could very well be that i am so fixated on the idea of Him going backwards, that i am making more of what is going on with Him than i need to.