Wed, 16 Aug 2006

Topic: Private thoughts

Why the hell aren't You here. You should be here. You should be walking through the door. You should be the one making me calm down, not some drug. You should be the one sleeping here tonight, not Laura and Darren. You should be the one to get the ice tomorrow. You should be here to help load the truck. You should be here to setup the play tent. You should freakin be here.

But You are not here. Instead, i have to figure out a way to survive this weekend without You. That is so not fair.

i talked to the doctor yesterday. She wants me in the hospital. She isn't sure i can make decisions right now. She thinks i am so far gone. The worst part is she is right.

i so want to just die. i want TJ to die so i can die. i wait every morning for him not to wake up. i wait every day for a car to crash into us killing us both. i just want to die and go away and not come back and be with You. That is all i want. That is all i hope for. That is what always goes through my mind. Wishing i could just be done with this life and be done with it all.

Will You come and get me while i sleep? Will You come and bring me to You? Please? Master? Please Master, please. Just come to me and take me with You. i can't be without You anymore. i don't want to be without You anymore. Please Master. i don't know how else to beg to You. Just please.