Mood: don't ask
Topic: How i feel
i haven't typed to You in a long time Master. i have been keeping up in my written journal. i am just scared Aaron, Lore, or even Bev will find this place and use what i write against me.
i miss You so much. The dark thoughts are getting worse. i now am waiting for TJ to die so i can die too. Every morning He sleeps in, i am hoping He isn't waking up. i even left Him home alone when He was full blown. If He was gone, i could come to You without any guilt.
Cindy is hoping to win the lottery. She has already planned out what she is going to do with the money. Stuff like buy me a house and a car. She would pay off the credit card again. She would even set up an account i could dip into if i needed the money. All i asked for was a freezer and to have it filled with food. i can't dream all that big right now. Dreaming means hope. Dreams don't come true. The dream of You being my Master, being here for me, hearing Your voice, all died with You. All hope died with You.
i know i am holding on by a thread, and i am watching it unravel. Camp scares me. Being without You scares me. Going and getting groceries scares me. Everything, without You, scares me.
Why didn't You wake me up? Why didn't You stop me for cutting? Why can't i feel You? Why won't You come back?
i love You Master
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