All F**KED up

i haven't written anything here in over a week. i have written in the MIT's journal (about His new meds). i have written in my pen and paper journal. i have talked stuff out loud. i just haven't written here. i also haven't been talking to friends. Things are just so fucked up right now. Nothing really that has to do with me exactly, but still close enough that it is causing me trouble.

my Sis, has fucked up big time. This includes things like lying to me, our parents, our Nana, my son, and her friends. On top of that, i have tried to help. By helping her, and her lying, i am now over due on some bills, have no money for gas, and can't go to my Mom for help because it will just get Sis in more trouble. Add to that, the feeling that i could have stopped the downward spiral and you have a recipe for me feeling guilty and angry and disappointed.

So i turn into myself. Unable to bring myself to talk to anyone. Unable to bring myself to open to anyone. Turning into myself then brings about feelings regarding the MIT. Watching Him loose little milestones, watching Him struggle with wanting to go outside (but not knowing how to play with younger kids, and not knowing how to really interact with older kids), watching Him loose muscle tone when He wants to do stuff. Turning into myself more brings about remember things with Mike. Yesterday was His anniversary with B. i wonder what she was thinking about. i wonder if she went to the cemetery. i wonder if she cried, like i do all the time.

i feel so helpless right now. Not able to fix things for my son. Not able to fix things for my younger sister. Not able to fix things for myself. i don't like that i can't fix anything. So then i get to the point where i can't fix me. i can't bring myself to climb out of my own head. i have to do something to fix at least myself. i have to find a way to do that.

So, today i am going to call my friends. i am going to re-connect with them all. i am going to pull myself out of my own ass, as much as possible. Especially since the MIT only has 3 more days of school after today. i have to find myself again. The vibrant me. The me that can be around other people. The me i seem to have lost the last month or so.