MIT

i am having a really hard time with the MIT. His depression is really getting to me. i can't fix it. All i can do is wait for the referral to go through, and hope He survives until then. On top of the depression, is His decline in stability, ability to walk, and having more bad days than good. i am His mother. i should be able to fix it. Yeah, right, like i have a magic wand or something.

Yesterday He came home so angry from karate. He was mad because He was given His second stripe on His blue belt. You would think that was a good thing. Not for Him. He doesn't think He deserves it. His self loathing is really bad right now. He couldn't hear me tell Him how proud i was that He was using His words and not His fists. Even today He couldn't hear how proud i was of Him. Feeling pride means liking something about yourself. He doesn't have that right now.

We are back to watching Charmed. It is a nice time for us to sit and laugh and cuddle and connect. He hates Himself so much, He wants the character "Leo" to heal Him. Tonight He called Himself a "half demon". i don't know if watching Charmed is such a good idea anymore.

Yesterday was also the first time in over a month that He actually walked off the school bus. His communication book did say that He lost a side in the morning. That is every day for the last 2 months. Every day when His body lets Him down. Every day when He has to rely on His chair or someone helping Him. Easter weekend was difficult. He went full blown for most of it. His physical abilities are letting Him down, and are progressing downward. It is like watching His body die. The reality is, that is actually what is going to happen. He is going to die. i am going to outlive my son.

i don't know how to help Him, other than listen, make sure His surroundings are safe, and tell Him i am proud of Him, even when He doesn't want to hear it, or can't hear it. i just get to sit and wait it out with Him. Wait for some professional to help the two of us get to the other side.