So today....

i did spend the entire hour with Sandy crying. i cried about needing to make D warm. i cried about missing her. i cried about crying. i cried about the tape that is playing in my head. She wanted to analyze that "tape" but i told her i just wanted to feel. i just wanted to feel sad, helpless, angry, worried, sad. First time i have ever just wanted to feel while i was there. First time i wanted to cry the entire time. First time i initiated just wanting to feel something without my head getting in the way.

We also, at the end of the hour, talked about expectations about Sunday. Expectations for myself and for others.

For myself, i expect to act mature. i expect to cry when i am feeling sad. i expect to be helpful when needed. i expect to blend into the background a little. i expect to say "she was well loved". i expect to help others feel what they need to feel, without putting my feelings in front of theirs.

For others, well, i expect others to swoop in and try to take control. i expect others to put themselves ahead of anyone else. i expect others to need to hear "it is ok". i expect others to say "i am so sorry". i expect others to need to be supportive.

So, since the MIT is now at respite, i am going to go and take my meds, make Baby Bear a tie, and go to bed. i am going to sleep in a little. i will do the last minute stuff P&E need me to do. i will print out stuff, cut stuff, pickup stuff. i will be a phone call away. i will also just sit, and prepare myself to go to the memorial tomorrow, by myself.