With summer vacation coming to an end, i have to say that i finally got the MIT and Dad camping. Finally. We went from the 6-8 and had a great, quiet time. Well other than the Raccoons hunting and gathering from our site. LOL. i have already booked our weekend in September. It did help throw in my face how much the MIT has lost in a year. He couldn't get up to go to the "pee tree" by Himself. One of us had to have at least 2 hands on Him at all times, and that was with Him having both sides working. He nearly fell into the fire 6 times.
i can't wait for school to start. At least then i will be getting some sleep during the days. Until then, it is up all night and sleep when i get the chance. Tomorrow Sis is taking the MIT to a movie. i can sleep then.
So the therapist and i started the "borderline personality disorder" questionnaire, and wouldn't you know it, i might be bi-polar LOL. i get to ask friends and family if they have ever seen my "manic" and how i acted, and how i was, and if they have ever seen the large depression afterwards. Great, feedback i really don't want to hear about.
On the BDSM side of me. Still nothing. No desire for it. No desire to put myself out there. i know that side is still in me. When ever P comes for a visit i can drop right back into that mindset. i just try really hard not to. It makes me feel too alone afterwards, even after just asking for a smoke, or asking Him if He wants something to drink. The loneliness afterwards is so hard.
i know that if i ever did get involved like that with someone, it would have to be with someone just for me. At least for a little while. Just so i can get my bearings back again, and not have to go home feeling so alone again.
i am actually missing L a lot. i had felt such a connection with Her. i know She is going through a lot, and Her life isn't easy right now. i wish i could be a help to Her. i just don't know if She will ever be able to accept me for who i am, and if She will ever want me back in Her life. She did say some things that really hurt me. i know me though. i know i can forgive and forget. i just don't know if She can, or if She wants to. i still feel that connection to Her, even without speaking to Her in almost a year. i am just not going to make the first move on this. Not this time. i have gone back to Her too many times with my tail between my legs.
Showing posts with label Submission. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Submission. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
So much to say?
There is so much to say right now. i am going to try to keep on topic in each paragraph, but i can't promise that is going to happen.
The MIT is deteriorating still. He is loosing milestones still. His balance is way off. He falls more. He gets hurt more often. He hardly has good days. Most days He only has one side that works. At least 2 days a week are full blown and hard. He knows His body is against Him. It is hard watching Him be so aware that He is doing worse physically. He gets so frustrated. i can totally understand why. Going outside or even going to get groceries is taxing on His body. He would much rather sit on the couch, loose sides and be comfortable. At least that way He knows He is safe from getting hurt. It is sad watching my active and karate kid not want to do anything. At least we still do cuddles and have started paper ball fights. That brings smiles to His face.
People i called friends, have been having a difficult time of things lately. i feel sorry for them. i feel their grief. i feel their torment. i had wished they would be a couple that would make it. It doesn't look like that would happen. Yes i have been keeping tabs on them. They were such a big part of my life for a long time. i no longer hold hard feelings for them. i actually miss Her. i wish she would let me back in Her life. i will not push it. It is up to Her. i always loved to serve Her. To be in Her presence. She brought out a side of me that i have lost. Maybe out paths will cross again. Maybe they won't. Whatever happens in the future, i hope She knows that i am here for Her. When She is ready.
Now on to me. i am a still a screwed-up, depressed version of me, but that side has always been there. i go to therapy every 1-2 weeks. i am on plenty of medications to treat the depression and anxiety. i talk of my feelings openly to my therapist. i don't hide how i feel with her anymore. i don't deflect as much. i know she can't fix that part of me. Heck, i can't fix that part of me. All i or she can do is help me manage it. She can help me express my feelings over the MIT and the changes He is going through. She lets me bounce ideas off her. She lets me come to decisions on my own.
i have found myself much calmer since making a major decision.
i am no longer looking for the elusive Dom/Domme/Master/Mistress that likes someone that is experienced, knows her limits and is happy to explore them with someone she knows. i am no longer on any of the "searching" sites. No profile on Collarme, Bondage, or Alt. There isn't any point. All the Tops that are searching seem to be looking for someone that is new and young and skinny. It isn't me. i am experienced. i am confident in my abilities. i am not into plain kinky sex. i need more than that. i need someone that would be comfortable in the "dating before playing" to get to know someone. i need someone that is confident in their selves enough to know that an older woman is still a precious commodity. i need someone that understands i may be a little broken, but am putting the pieces together myself. So i came to the decision that i don't need it. i don't need the constant looking. i don't need the "kneel now" emails. i don't need the people looking for kinky sex. i don't need to look. i am comfortable in just being. i have gone so far as to put all the toys away. They are in Mike's old suitcase. They are available, but not in use. They are away, along with that side of me that craves the pain and submission. It wasn't an easy decision, but one that has brought me peace.
With this transformation, i have acquired 2 things on my body. A cutting of Mike's initials, and a tattoo. The cutting is a reminder that His influence on me will never leave. It is a sign of how much of who i am now, is because of Him. It is also a symbol of that piece of me that is still missing. The tattoo is another reminder. It is of a locket, like the one Mike gave me as my daily collar, with His leather collar around the bottom, and our favourite whip (Raven's Kiss) trailing behind. It is beautiful. It is a symbol of who i was, who i am, and who i can be again.
In a way, i feel like i have awaken. i have found a comfortable spot in the universe for me. Sure it isn't where i pictured i would be in 2009, but it is where i am. i am Mom. i am not slave, submissive, or someone's. i am me.
The MIT is deteriorating still. He is loosing milestones still. His balance is way off. He falls more. He gets hurt more often. He hardly has good days. Most days He only has one side that works. At least 2 days a week are full blown and hard. He knows His body is against Him. It is hard watching Him be so aware that He is doing worse physically. He gets so frustrated. i can totally understand why. Going outside or even going to get groceries is taxing on His body. He would much rather sit on the couch, loose sides and be comfortable. At least that way He knows He is safe from getting hurt. It is sad watching my active and karate kid not want to do anything. At least we still do cuddles and have started paper ball fights. That brings smiles to His face.
People i called friends, have been having a difficult time of things lately. i feel sorry for them. i feel their grief. i feel their torment. i had wished they would be a couple that would make it. It doesn't look like that would happen. Yes i have been keeping tabs on them. They were such a big part of my life for a long time. i no longer hold hard feelings for them. i actually miss Her. i wish she would let me back in Her life. i will not push it. It is up to Her. i always loved to serve Her. To be in Her presence. She brought out a side of me that i have lost. Maybe out paths will cross again. Maybe they won't. Whatever happens in the future, i hope She knows that i am here for Her. When She is ready.
Now on to me. i am a still a screwed-up, depressed version of me, but that side has always been there. i go to therapy every 1-2 weeks. i am on plenty of medications to treat the depression and anxiety. i talk of my feelings openly to my therapist. i don't hide how i feel with her anymore. i don't deflect as much. i know she can't fix that part of me. Heck, i can't fix that part of me. All i or she can do is help me manage it. She can help me express my feelings over the MIT and the changes He is going through. She lets me bounce ideas off her. She lets me come to decisions on my own.
i have found myself much calmer since making a major decision.
i am no longer looking for the elusive Dom/Domme/Master/Mistress that likes someone that is experienced, knows her limits and is happy to explore them with someone she knows. i am no longer on any of the "searching" sites. No profile on Collarme, Bondage, or Alt. There isn't any point. All the Tops that are searching seem to be looking for someone that is new and young and skinny. It isn't me. i am experienced. i am confident in my abilities. i am not into plain kinky sex. i need more than that. i need someone that would be comfortable in the "dating before playing" to get to know someone. i need someone that is confident in their selves enough to know that an older woman is still a precious commodity. i need someone that understands i may be a little broken, but am putting the pieces together myself. So i came to the decision that i don't need it. i don't need the constant looking. i don't need the "kneel now" emails. i don't need the people looking for kinky sex. i don't need to look. i am comfortable in just being. i have gone so far as to put all the toys away. They are in Mike's old suitcase. They are available, but not in use. They are away, along with that side of me that craves the pain and submission. It wasn't an easy decision, but one that has brought me peace.
With this transformation, i have acquired 2 things on my body. A cutting of Mike's initials, and a tattoo. The cutting is a reminder that His influence on me will never leave. It is a sign of how much of who i am now, is because of Him. It is also a symbol of that piece of me that is still missing. The tattoo is another reminder. It is of a locket, like the one Mike gave me as my daily collar, with His leather collar around the bottom, and our favourite whip (Raven's Kiss) trailing behind. It is beautiful. It is a symbol of who i was, who i am, and who i can be again.
In a way, i feel like i have awaken. i have found a comfortable spot in the universe for me. Sure it isn't where i pictured i would be in 2009, but it is where i am. i am Mom. i am not slave, submissive, or someone's. i am me.
Oh, here is a pic of my tattoo the day it was done.
Monday, September 22, 2008
A nice weekend...and a nice acceptance
This weekend i actually went to M's and La's place. i hadn't gone to their place yet, and thought it was about time that i spent the gas money to see M, and not just him using his gas money to see me. i was nervous. i was worried. Heck i was even scared. i was going to be in the company of M, his daughter, and his wife, for all of Saturday and most of Sunday. i wasn't sure how the dynamic would be pulled off.
So, i arrived Saturday. The baby girl was asleep, and M was there with open arms, a hug, kisses and nibbles. We did a lot of that. Eventually we woke the baby girl, and he went to get La from work. i stayed with baby girl so they could have some quiet time together, and so they could get some groceries without her being a pain. Baby girl and i had a good time together. i like being around a 2 1/1 year old. i get to be more of a kid. i also get to be a friend. i did do something foolish. i got baby girl to help me clean up a bit, something M and La have had problems getting her to do. i spouted off about it when they got home. i didn't mean to, it just came out. i was seeking approval, but ended up making La feel like a bad mom. i made sure not to do that the next day. We had a good evening. M made a nice dinner. We all ate quietly. La and M bathed baby girl. La and M put her to bed. La and M discussed the sleeping arrangements. The decided all 3 of us would be in the same bed. La went to bed early. We all ended up in bed earlier than we all normally do. While La was settling, M and i fooled around in the living room.
Now, here is something completely different, and something i never thought i would have thought possible, especially by me, but M had multiple orgasms. 3 to be exact. All in a row. He never got soft, and i didn't stop sucking. 3 times. i can't believe it. i have never had that reaction from a guy. Then again, i am used to older men. But man it was cool. We ended up going to bed shortly after. He was totally exhausted. i slept at the end of the bed, at E's feet. He slept with his feet on the pillows and used me as his pillow. It was really cool. i want a king size bed.
Sunday morning was good. We all lazed in bed listening to baby girl play. Eventually we each got up. La made baby girl's breakfast, and i fed her, so La could have some more quiet time. M lazed in bed a bit longer. After breakfast, M dragged me back to the bedroom while E and baby girl watched a movies. We fooled around a bit. He got all toppy on me. It was cool. i got all nervous about La walking in on us, so he slowed down for my comfort. Later, they talked about what would have happened, and La said she would have just giggled and walked away. La had her shower while baby girl and i played, and M watched. Then it was my turn in the shower. Then M's turn. Then it was time for me and M to head out.
We went to a gaming store. M has a standing appointment at the store to play Magic. Magic is a card game. He has taught me a little, and i understand on a basic level. Watching him play with two others that know what they are doing was cool. His excitement shined through. So did his confidence. It was like when Mike and i would go bowling. Something outside of the BDSM stuff, where we could be "normal" people. We couldn't touch each other or show any signs of affection. The people there know La, and know he is married. We didn't think they could handle the idea that La and M are poly. i really did enjoy myself. We headed back to the apartment after a few games were played, to a dinner cooked by a happy La, and a very happy baby girl. La filled us in on how her day went, and we sat down to a good meal. Then it was time for me to get going.
i couldn't believe it. La pouted. M pouted also, but i didn't expect E to be upset that i was leaving. She likes me. She really likes me. She likes that i make M happy. She likes that i can play with baby girl and not try to take over. She likes that i defer to her, and not try to play "who is alpha" with her. She likes me. M didn't want me to leave, and i didn't want to leave much either. i liked the feeling of warmth and acceptance there. i like that i wasn't in town. i like how it was a mini vacation for me. Eventually i did leave. i got home safe and sound, and called to let them know.
Overall, the weekend was cool. i couldn't have intercourse because i had a PAP scheduled for Monday, but i got to feed. i got to feed a lot. i got to orgasm a lot also. He likes watching me when i orgasm. It is unnerving to a person that is easily embarrassed by her facial expressions, and that is exactly the type of person i am. He likes it though, so it makes it easier. He also likes that part of me i totally don't like. He thinks is it sweet. i think it is hideous. It is weird for me to be with someone that so totally finds me attractive. Weird / different, not weird / odd.
When the MIT came home, He came home sick. He stayed home from school today. He came to the doctor's with me. i had my PAP done, and have my paperwork for my blood work (a commitment i made at the diabetic clinic last week). my blood pressure was good, my weight is down. The cut on my breast is healing nicely. It was a good appointment. Then the MIT and i went and got some stuff from the grocery store. With it being the equinox, i made stew with potatoes, carrots, and rutabaga. We also have apples for apple crisp tomorrow.
i am cancelling giving E a reflexology treatment tomorrow. With the MIT being sick, and home, it wouldn't help her much. Also, i don't want to expose her or D to the MIT's cold. D's immune system is probably compromised, and i don't want to make things worse. i think i will actually call E and ask her what she would like to do. She may be desperate enough to still want the treatment, and to get the time away from her house. i just don't want to make things worse for her, P or D. (ok, called and E still wants the treatment, and i still want to see her because i miss her, and so we are on for tomorrow)
It was a good and nice weekend, and different than i have ever experienced. i am glad i am seeing/being with M. i am liking being with someone again. i am enjoying the acceptance from La. i am happy, and i am enjoying that too.
So, i arrived Saturday. The baby girl was asleep, and M was there with open arms, a hug, kisses and nibbles. We did a lot of that. Eventually we woke the baby girl, and he went to get La from work. i stayed with baby girl so they could have some quiet time together, and so they could get some groceries without her being a pain. Baby girl and i had a good time together. i like being around a 2 1/1 year old. i get to be more of a kid. i also get to be a friend. i did do something foolish. i got baby girl to help me clean up a bit, something M and La have had problems getting her to do. i spouted off about it when they got home. i didn't mean to, it just came out. i was seeking approval, but ended up making La feel like a bad mom. i made sure not to do that the next day. We had a good evening. M made a nice dinner. We all ate quietly. La and M bathed baby girl. La and M put her to bed. La and M discussed the sleeping arrangements. The decided all 3 of us would be in the same bed. La went to bed early. We all ended up in bed earlier than we all normally do. While La was settling, M and i fooled around in the living room.
Now, here is something completely different, and something i never thought i would have thought possible, especially by me, but M had multiple orgasms. 3 to be exact. All in a row. He never got soft, and i didn't stop sucking. 3 times. i can't believe it. i have never had that reaction from a guy. Then again, i am used to older men. But man it was cool. We ended up going to bed shortly after. He was totally exhausted. i slept at the end of the bed, at E's feet. He slept with his feet on the pillows and used me as his pillow. It was really cool. i want a king size bed.
Sunday morning was good. We all lazed in bed listening to baby girl play. Eventually we each got up. La made baby girl's breakfast, and i fed her, so La could have some more quiet time. M lazed in bed a bit longer. After breakfast, M dragged me back to the bedroom while E and baby girl watched a movies. We fooled around a bit. He got all toppy on me. It was cool. i got all nervous about La walking in on us, so he slowed down for my comfort. Later, they talked about what would have happened, and La said she would have just giggled and walked away. La had her shower while baby girl and i played, and M watched. Then it was my turn in the shower. Then M's turn. Then it was time for me and M to head out.
We went to a gaming store. M has a standing appointment at the store to play Magic. Magic is a card game. He has taught me a little, and i understand on a basic level. Watching him play with two others that know what they are doing was cool. His excitement shined through. So did his confidence. It was like when Mike and i would go bowling. Something outside of the BDSM stuff, where we could be "normal" people. We couldn't touch each other or show any signs of affection. The people there know La, and know he is married. We didn't think they could handle the idea that La and M are poly. i really did enjoy myself. We headed back to the apartment after a few games were played, to a dinner cooked by a happy La, and a very happy baby girl. La filled us in on how her day went, and we sat down to a good meal. Then it was time for me to get going.
i couldn't believe it. La pouted. M pouted also, but i didn't expect E to be upset that i was leaving. She likes me. She really likes me. She likes that i make M happy. She likes that i can play with baby girl and not try to take over. She likes that i defer to her, and not try to play "who is alpha" with her. She likes me. M didn't want me to leave, and i didn't want to leave much either. i liked the feeling of warmth and acceptance there. i like that i wasn't in town. i like how it was a mini vacation for me. Eventually i did leave. i got home safe and sound, and called to let them know.
Overall, the weekend was cool. i couldn't have intercourse because i had a PAP scheduled for Monday, but i got to feed. i got to feed a lot. i got to orgasm a lot also. He likes watching me when i orgasm. It is unnerving to a person that is easily embarrassed by her facial expressions, and that is exactly the type of person i am. He likes it though, so it makes it easier. He also likes that part of me i totally don't like. He thinks is it sweet. i think it is hideous. It is weird for me to be with someone that so totally finds me attractive. Weird / different, not weird / odd.
When the MIT came home, He came home sick. He stayed home from school today. He came to the doctor's with me. i had my PAP done, and have my paperwork for my blood work (a commitment i made at the diabetic clinic last week). my blood pressure was good, my weight is down. The cut on my breast is healing nicely. It was a good appointment. Then the MIT and i went and got some stuff from the grocery store. With it being the equinox, i made stew with potatoes, carrots, and rutabaga. We also have apples for apple crisp tomorrow.
i am cancelling giving E a reflexology treatment tomorrow. With the MIT being sick, and home, it wouldn't help her much. Also, i don't want to expose her or D to the MIT's cold. D's immune system is probably compromised, and i don't want to make things worse. i think i will actually call E and ask her what she would like to do. She may be desperate enough to still want the treatment, and to get the time away from her house. i just don't want to make things worse for her, P or D. (ok, called and E still wants the treatment, and i still want to see her because i miss her, and so we are on for tomorrow)
It was a good and nice weekend, and different than i have ever experienced. i am glad i am seeing/being with M. i am liking being with someone again. i am enjoying the acceptance from La. i am happy, and i am enjoying that too.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Monsters
i have created a monster. A camping monster. Yes the MIT so enjoyed camping, that we are going again in October. He wants to go every month. Yes, even the winter months. Try to explain to Him that it is very cold going camping in the winter, and He says "so what". He says "but the fire will keep us warm", or "the tent will keep us warm". Heck with the way the weather has been lately, October will be cold. Even in the sun. November? i don't think so.
Right now, my Dad is "fixing" the tent. He has waterproofed it, and patched the only hole in it. He is also excited about going camping again. He is planning on hunting for warms before we leave so maybe we will have better luck with the fish. i think they will not be so hungry. i think the fish will be sleeping. OH, and talking about excited about us going, so is my Mom. Heck, she is paying for it. She suggested it. i think she really enjoyed the weekend off.
i am totally going to enjoy it. i love sitting around a fire when it is cool out. Jeans, sweatshirt, fuzzy socks. Even if we don't go fishing, or do anything but sit around a fire all day, i will be a happy camper. This time i will actually bring a book to read. i am also going to be packing another mug, so i could have hot chocolate while the boys are having coffee.
On the dating front, things are going well. We don't get to see each other as often as He would like, but i am cool with it. i like having a life away from Him. He is also moving really fast with His feelings. i am actually having issues with the 0-200 when we are together. i don't' mind pain, but i need to get into the mindset. The instant biting once He arrives, is a little hard for me. His constantly needing to touch me, to be in the same room with me, the big need to kiss ALL the time is getting, smothering almost. i am not looking for problems. i am just hoping He will be able to calm things down a bit. i don't mind being His chew toy, but i do long for more.
i long for my hair being pulled. i long for a spanking. i long for orders. i long for being told what He expects of me. i know He is new. i know He isn't used to all this. i know He isn't used to being able to act on His fantasies. Heck, i wish He would share some with me, so i know where His head is.
Instead, i am putting my head back into that space where i do and accept what is being done to and with me as a service. That what i am doing and how i am acting is a reflection on Him. That what i am doing and how i am acting is an act of submission. That the submission is really what i am craving and i am getting that by being His chew toy.
Right now, my Dad is "fixing" the tent. He has waterproofed it, and patched the only hole in it. He is also excited about going camping again. He is planning on hunting for warms before we leave so maybe we will have better luck with the fish. i think they will not be so hungry. i think the fish will be sleeping. OH, and talking about excited about us going, so is my Mom. Heck, she is paying for it. She suggested it. i think she really enjoyed the weekend off.
i am totally going to enjoy it. i love sitting around a fire when it is cool out. Jeans, sweatshirt, fuzzy socks. Even if we don't go fishing, or do anything but sit around a fire all day, i will be a happy camper. This time i will actually bring a book to read. i am also going to be packing another mug, so i could have hot chocolate while the boys are having coffee.
On the dating front, things are going well. We don't get to see each other as often as He would like, but i am cool with it. i like having a life away from Him. He is also moving really fast with His feelings. i am actually having issues with the 0-200 when we are together. i don't' mind pain, but i need to get into the mindset. The instant biting once He arrives, is a little hard for me. His constantly needing to touch me, to be in the same room with me, the big need to kiss ALL the time is getting, smothering almost. i am not looking for problems. i am just hoping He will be able to calm things down a bit. i don't mind being His chew toy, but i do long for more.
i long for my hair being pulled. i long for a spanking. i long for orders. i long for being told what He expects of me. i know He is new. i know He isn't used to all this. i know He isn't used to being able to act on His fantasies. Heck, i wish He would share some with me, so i know where His head is.
Instead, i am putting my head back into that space where i do and accept what is being done to and with me as a service. That what i am doing and how i am acting is a reflection on Him. That what i am doing and how i am acting is an act of submission. That the submission is really what i am craving and i am getting that by being His chew toy.