That is how I have been feeling lately. Like I am hanging by a thread, and more and more weight is pulling, and pulling me to the point where I just can't hold on any longer.
First it was TJ in emergency. Second was Charlie getting neutered. Third was Charlie eating the razor. Forth was TJ's change in his room (will talk about this) Fifth was TJ not eating (will talk about this). Sixth was the washing machine breaking. Seventh was the van needing making grinding noises when breaking (will talk about this also). Eighth was the van going in and the estimate for that (will talk about). Ninth was Dad "fixing" my washing machine (will talk about). Tenth is my Mom yelling at me at every turn.
So, on the 16th, Mom and Dad came over and put a new TV in TJ's room. That should have been no big deal. The big deal was that Dad needed my help to install the TV and digital cable box. It just wouldn't work. Add Mom being bossy, Charlie needing help, and TJ watching "on demand" all at the same time, and me feeling like I being pulled in so many directions. I had to actually yell about someone taking Charlie out of the house for a short bit, so I could actually help Dad.
On the 17th (and partly the 16th) TJ decided that his stomach hurt / was upset and he couldn't eat. He was still drinking, but wouldn't eat anything. It was thought that he gave eating up for lent, but that wasn't really what happened. He has stopped telling us when his head is hurting, because none of me medications he can take, help his head. Going along with this, migraines make his stomach yucky. Tuesday I was really scared. Kept TJ home Wednesday (the 23, turned out to be a snow day) so I could take him to the doctor's. That was a flop, so I kept him home on Thursday (24) and was able to get him seen. The doctor gave him Boost. I have convinced TJ that Boost is a medicine lie what they gave Charlie after his surgery, to coat the stomach, and make it feel better. Since drinking the first bottle Thursday at lunch, TJ has had pizza Thursday night, oatmeal and hot chocolate Friday morning, his second dose of Boost and pizza for lunch on Friday, and pigged out at my Nana's house. So I am feeling much better about all that.
Wednesday (the 23) morning I put a load in the washing machine, and it broke. The agitator stopped. I told my parents. Dad decided he wanted to come over and fix it. So I now have TJ home from school, and Dad here, along with caring for Charlie. TJ is settled in his room, so he isn't a problem, but Charlie still needs to stay out of Dad's way, and be kept happy. Eventually, Dad figures out the part that is the problem (4 hours later) and so we clean up the kitchen so Charlie can run free, but TJ is still home and the nurse is supposed to be here, so I can take Charlie out for a walk. Nurse cancels, because she has had a car accident. I get yelled at Mom for not being nice to Dad, and then hung up on when Mom doesn't like that I put the phone to Dad's ear to tell her I have been nice, and I am stressed. No walk for Charlie or for me. Hanging by a thread.
Thursday I am supposed to see Karen. Instead, that is the time I can take TJ in to see the doctor. Doctor gives us the magic Boost. I call Karen to cancel, and start crying on the phone because everything is feeling like a weight on me. Take TJ to the doctor. Solve the eating problem because I am still able to manipulate TJ, and then Dad takes my van in to get an estimate. I give him the instructions on what ODSP needs if they are going to help pay for the repairs. 3 hours later, Dad finally goes and picks-up the van, and brings back a copy of the fax they sent. It doesn't have my name on it. That has to be on it for ODSP to consider it. Call ODSP, then call Ford back, and have them re-fax the estimate.
Today (Friday 25), TJ goes to school and me more relaxed because he ate breakfast. I have a dentist appointment, go and then come home. Dad now comes over to fix the washing machine. This kills my schedule with Charlie, and means Charlie is on leash in the house. Dad takes from 1:30 - 4:30 to get the job done, but while working on it, another part falls out, and Dad gets hurt. Mom calls I am frustrated because it feels like the washer won't get fixed and is actually getting worse. She calls and starts yelling at me. TJ comes home. Mom calls again, talks to TJ, asks to talk to me, yells at me and I hang up. Mom comes to pick-up TJ and tells me how frustrated she was when she was yelling at me, and I explain how frustrated I was when she was yelling at me, and Dad says we are all done with it, and Mom walks away saying "I don't think so".
Dad comforts me. The washer is working (then we find 2 screws - don't ask). He leaves, and I run a load through the machine. Charlie and I have dinner, and then we lie down on my bed and fall asleep. TJ comes home early from karate (I didn't answer the phone when Mom called to let me know this is happening). I put Charlie in his crate (since it is crate time) and stay lying in bed until 10:45 when I finally put TJ to bed.
And so now, I am awake. I will be heading back to bed soon. I need to make sure I am ok for taking Charlie over to Mom and Dad's for play time tomorrow.
The good news is, I have not done any problem behaviour. I have really wanted to. I mean, really, really want to. Even right now, I would love to cut. I would love to just take enough pills to not wake-up tomorrow. I would even add booze to the pills. I am not doing this. I am sleeping a lot (not a good thing) but I am not doing any problem behaviour. Karen says that is a good thing. I have also been effective during all of this. I have called ODSP about the van. I have taken TJ to the doctor. I have hit or killed anyone. My washer is fixed. TJ is "fixed". Soon the van will be fixed. I guess that means the DBT therapy is working. I hate that I am crying so much. I hate that I can't just push my feelings aside and become that robot I used to be. It feels like it makes my thread a little thinner.
Thelma is scheduled to come tomorrow.
Earth day is tomorrow, and I intend to celebrate it the same way I always do. Candles and a fire out back. Maybe that will help me to relax and start to feel normal again.
Showing posts with label TJ. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TJ. Show all posts
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Sunday, March 06, 2011
The day after.
Yesterday was very tough. The nurse called 911 because TJ was showing different seizure activity. I actually cried when the first responders (FD) showed up. I was scared because TJ just wasn't right. We spent the day at the hospital. Mom and Dad took TJ home with them.
I came home and had planned on going for a walk with Charlie (who had been locked up in his crate once 911 was called). I had planned on then going to bed. It didn't happen. I needed more. I needed to feel comforted. I needed to not feel. So I ordered in food and ate and ate.
That means today, I get to start filling in a behaviour chain. It is not supposed to be a punishment. It is to be a learning tool. To learn why I made the decission that I did, and how to make it easier not to make the same decision next time. So, now I am learning why I needed to eat so much to make me feel better.
I know why. I wanted comfort. I wanted to feel over full instead of sad and guilty and scared and out of control over the entire hospital visit. I wanted to escape from feeling for a while. So, that is what I did.
As to how not to do it again next time, I have no idea right now. I am not doing it tonight, and I really want to. I want to order in KFC and just binge on all that fat and hot stuff for the night.
I came home and had planned on going for a walk with Charlie (who had been locked up in his crate once 911 was called). I had planned on then going to bed. It didn't happen. I needed more. I needed to feel comforted. I needed to not feel. So I ordered in food and ate and ate.
That means today, I get to start filling in a behaviour chain. It is not supposed to be a punishment. It is to be a learning tool. To learn why I made the decission that I did, and how to make it easier not to make the same decision next time. So, now I am learning why I needed to eat so much to make me feel better.
I know why. I wanted comfort. I wanted to feel over full instead of sad and guilty and scared and out of control over the entire hospital visit. I wanted to escape from feeling for a while. So, that is what I did.
As to how not to do it again next time, I have no idea right now. I am not doing it tonight, and I really want to. I want to order in KFC and just binge on all that fat and hot stuff for the night.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Control / Perfection issues
So I am still having problems walking Charlie. I am so frustrated, I have made calls to different trainers. They all cost hundreds of dollars. I can't afford that, so I keep trudging along hoping I am doing ok at this. In the house, he has calmed so much, and I have full control. Outside, in the front and beyond, not the same story.
I talked to my Mom about this. She reminded me of how I was obsessed with making sure I was a perfect Mom to TJ. That I didn't (and still don't) want to be what most people see as a single Mother. What most people see as a mother of a disabled child. That I have to appear perfect. That if he acted out in public, I was horrified. I felt like (and still do) a really bad mother, and what everyone thinks of, when they hear about a single mom.
She is right. I want to be perfect at this. I want his life (Charlie's) and TJ's life to be what they deserve. They deserve to be happy and to not show any form of contention. I don't like hearing from others how to raise either of them. I don't like hearing how I need to just be me and back off a little. I don't like hearing how they would do it, if it was them.
I don't like hearing it, because they have no idea what it is like to be in my shoes. They have no idea how hard it is to balance (with TJ) a sense of perfection, and a sense of self. They have no idea how hard it is to get a puggle to walk on a leash with a bad back from lifting and moving TJ around. They all just have no idea.
Add to that, my insane need to be perfect and in control. Yes Charlie has come a long way from where he was when he first got here, but I feel like he should be walking so much better on a leash. The fact that I saw a boy about 10 years old, walking a puppy without any problems, doesn't help.
I hate doubting myself, but that is where I am again tonight. Full of doubt, and looking for control and perfection.
I talked to my Mom about this. She reminded me of how I was obsessed with making sure I was a perfect Mom to TJ. That I didn't (and still don't) want to be what most people see as a single Mother. What most people see as a mother of a disabled child. That I have to appear perfect. That if he acted out in public, I was horrified. I felt like (and still do) a really bad mother, and what everyone thinks of, when they hear about a single mom.
She is right. I want to be perfect at this. I want his life (Charlie's) and TJ's life to be what they deserve. They deserve to be happy and to not show any form of contention. I don't like hearing from others how to raise either of them. I don't like hearing how I need to just be me and back off a little. I don't like hearing how they would do it, if it was them.
I don't like hearing it, because they have no idea what it is like to be in my shoes. They have no idea how hard it is to balance (with TJ) a sense of perfection, and a sense of self. They have no idea how hard it is to get a puggle to walk on a leash with a bad back from lifting and moving TJ around. They all just have no idea.
Add to that, my insane need to be perfect and in control. Yes Charlie has come a long way from where he was when he first got here, but I feel like he should be walking so much better on a leash. The fact that I saw a boy about 10 years old, walking a puppy without any problems, doesn't help.
I hate doubting myself, but that is where I am again tonight. Full of doubt, and looking for control and perfection.
Sunday, February 06, 2011
Still with the Charlie
I am really thinking something out. Karen, my therapist, says to just let it go and enjoy. I on the other hand, feel the need to think and ponder and think some more.
Since getting Charlie, I am no longer looking to fill a void. A void I never realized I had. I haven't thought about calling / finding a man. No drinking at all. Even thoughts of quiting smoking, even though I can still afford it.
So maybe it is time to do as Karen says. Just enjoy what is happening, and see what happens. Charlie is still a puppy, and still requires a lot of care. He will become less of a handful, but will constantly need me. Just like TJ.
Speaking of TJ. I am legally his guardian. I now have control over his finances, and medical decisions for the rest of his life. When I first got the news....a deep breathe of thank the gods. Seconds later, I was in tears. I shouldn't. This should be different. He should be able to do it on his own. Then I shared this and E said the perfect thing back to me. She said how much she is missing the "control" she has over her kids, now that they are teens. She is missing a lot of what I get to experience. It made me think. I was better.
So congrats to me on filling a void without destructive behaviour. Congrats to me for getting guardianship. Congrats to me for having an 18 year old that cuddles and snuggles, and still needs me every day.
Since getting Charlie, I am no longer looking to fill a void. A void I never realized I had. I haven't thought about calling / finding a man. No drinking at all. Even thoughts of quiting smoking, even though I can still afford it.
So maybe it is time to do as Karen says. Just enjoy what is happening, and see what happens. Charlie is still a puppy, and still requires a lot of care. He will become less of a handful, but will constantly need me. Just like TJ.
Speaking of TJ. I am legally his guardian. I now have control over his finances, and medical decisions for the rest of his life. When I first got the news....a deep breathe of thank the gods. Seconds later, I was in tears. I shouldn't. This should be different. He should be able to do it on his own. Then I shared this and E said the perfect thing back to me. She said how much she is missing the "control" she has over her kids, now that they are teens. She is missing a lot of what I get to experience. It made me think. I was better.
So congrats to me on filling a void without destructive behaviour. Congrats to me for getting guardianship. Congrats to me for having an 18 year old that cuddles and snuggles, and still needs me every day.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Busy month and HAPPY!!!!!
OK. So a lot has gone on since the 31st of December, but I am only going to concentrate on one thing.
I GOT A DOG!!!!!!!
That is right. I now own a dog. A long time ago, I was allergic to dogs. When I had an allergy test done again for a food allergy diagnosis, they also tested me for cats and dogs and a few other mundane things. Well, the cat prick came back as sever. So no cats for me still. The dog test came back perfectly fine. Now I have kept this a secret, because TJ has wanted a dog for a long time, and I wasn't ready. He and I have talked about it more in the last year. He has known for a little bit, that I am not allergic to dogs.
Back in October, my "friend" (not anymore, and not really for a very long while) wanted to buy a puggle (part pug and part beagle). I drove her out to the person that was selling them, and drove the two of them home, and then went out with her to get supplies for the new puppy. She and her family of 3 kids and a "husband", plus his 2 kids named him Charlie.
I found out on the 16th, that she was trying to sell him, and had been trying since the beginning of the year. I was livid, and excited. I asked my Sis her opinion, and she said no. I asked my Dad his opinion, and he said no. I asked my Mom her opinion, and she said yes. My Mom actually said Yes! I talked to Karen, and she said yes. That was it. I said yes. On the 17th, I drove home after seeing Karen, stopped at my "friend's" place, asked if Charlie was still up for sale, told her I wanted him and off I was to the bank and then back to get the dog.
After getting him (and a receipt), I started working with him. He was a lot rowdy. He was aggressive. He was hard to relax. He had long claws. His last visit to the vet said his next appointment should have been on Dec. 29th. He was eating yucky food. He had been left in a cage or on the back deck. He had never been on a walk. He was hating the leash. He had two collars that did nothing to do for a correction. It turned out he was late for his last set of shots (due on the 29th, then changed to the 14th) and they never even cancelled or went to the appointment.
Since then, he is a much happier and healthier dog. He got a check up and his claws cut at the vet's on the 13th. He will go to the door when he needs to pee or poo. He knows how to sit and stay. He is a ball of energy, and I have found 2 ways to expel this pent up energy. I actually jog with him, or take him to my Mom and Dad's to use their backyard. I also am doing the "doggy boot camp" the vet recommended. He is an attention seeker, and we are curbing his choices of how to get attention. He has run of the house when it is only me and/or TJ home. He is on leash when Thelma is here. He is on leash for a lot of the time when Sis is here. Today he actually stayed off leash when my Dad came to get TJ. Even in that excitement, he was calm and would sit when told. He even stayed out and about when TJ went full blown and I had to sit on the floor and pay most of my attention to TJ. We still have problems with walking and him wanting to follow every scent in the world, but things are getting better.
Since being in my home, he is a well behaved 5 month old boy. We go for 2-3 walks a day when the MIT is not home from school. We go threw the "doggie boot camp" training at least once a day. His treats are ice cubes in his water bowl, and cut up carrots. When he is calm and relaxed, he gets petted and scratched. When he breaks a rule, his is ignored for a little bit. He is learning quickly. He is a joy to have around.
I GOT A DOG!!!!!!!
That is right. I now own a dog. A long time ago, I was allergic to dogs. When I had an allergy test done again for a food allergy diagnosis, they also tested me for cats and dogs and a few other mundane things. Well, the cat prick came back as sever. So no cats for me still. The dog test came back perfectly fine. Now I have kept this a secret, because TJ has wanted a dog for a long time, and I wasn't ready. He and I have talked about it more in the last year. He has known for a little bit, that I am not allergic to dogs.
Back in October, my "friend" (not anymore, and not really for a very long while) wanted to buy a puggle (part pug and part beagle). I drove her out to the person that was selling them, and drove the two of them home, and then went out with her to get supplies for the new puppy. She and her family of 3 kids and a "husband", plus his 2 kids named him Charlie.
I found out on the 16th, that she was trying to sell him, and had been trying since the beginning of the year. I was livid, and excited. I asked my Sis her opinion, and she said no. I asked my Dad his opinion, and he said no. I asked my Mom her opinion, and she said yes. My Mom actually said Yes! I talked to Karen, and she said yes. That was it. I said yes. On the 17th, I drove home after seeing Karen, stopped at my "friend's" place, asked if Charlie was still up for sale, told her I wanted him and off I was to the bank and then back to get the dog.
After getting him (and a receipt), I started working with him. He was a lot rowdy. He was aggressive. He was hard to relax. He had long claws. His last visit to the vet said his next appointment should have been on Dec. 29th. He was eating yucky food. He had been left in a cage or on the back deck. He had never been on a walk. He was hating the leash. He had two collars that did nothing to do for a correction. It turned out he was late for his last set of shots (due on the 29th, then changed to the 14th) and they never even cancelled or went to the appointment.
Since then, he is a much happier and healthier dog. He got a check up and his claws cut at the vet's on the 13th. He will go to the door when he needs to pee or poo. He knows how to sit and stay. He is a ball of energy, and I have found 2 ways to expel this pent up energy. I actually jog with him, or take him to my Mom and Dad's to use their backyard. I also am doing the "doggy boot camp" the vet recommended. He is an attention seeker, and we are curbing his choices of how to get attention. He has run of the house when it is only me and/or TJ home. He is on leash when Thelma is here. He is on leash for a lot of the time when Sis is here. Today he actually stayed off leash when my Dad came to get TJ. Even in that excitement, he was calm and would sit when told. He even stayed out and about when TJ went full blown and I had to sit on the floor and pay most of my attention to TJ. We still have problems with walking and him wanting to follow every scent in the world, but things are getting better.
Since being in my home, he is a well behaved 5 month old boy. We go for 2-3 walks a day when the MIT is not home from school. We go threw the "doggie boot camp" training at least once a day. His treats are ice cubes in his water bowl, and cut up carrots. When he is calm and relaxed, he gets petted and scratched. When he breaks a rule, his is ignored for a little bit. He is learning quickly. He is a joy to have around.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Life goes on
Yesterday, I drove Joseph part way to the bus station, before he pissed me off even more, because he lied to me again.
Last weekend, I caught Joseph in a really big lie. Money related, manipulative, bald face lie. I gave him another chance. Saturday, he lied again. It was a stupid, little lie, but still a lie. One that cost me money again. Was totally disrespectful. I realized he wasn't worth my respect, time, love or anything. I told him to put on his shoes and that he was going home. On the way to the bus station, he said that it was my fault that TJ was going to be upset. That I was causing TJ pain because I was breaking up with Joseph. That was when I pulled over and kicked him out of the car, and didn't care how he got home at that point.
Today, I am proud of myself. I stood up for myself. I decided I deserve more than being lied to. I decided I deserve more than just someone who says they love me, verses someone that shows me they love and respect me. That is how much I have come to love myself. How much I like myself.
I cooked up a bunch of meat, and now have meals ready for over a week. I did go out and buy a cake, but came home and threw it out before having any. (Yay to not doing maladaptive behaviour!!!) I have gotten down to almost what I weighed when I got out of hospital back in March. I am going to keep going that way. It makes my back feel better when I am lighter. That and the prepared meals, and I am good to go.
I am proud of myself. I am happy. I don't need anyone else in my life, and am not going to look for it anymore. If someone falls into my lap, and they treat me the way I deserve, than maybe I will consider it. Until then, I am holding my head high.
Last weekend, I caught Joseph in a really big lie. Money related, manipulative, bald face lie. I gave him another chance. Saturday, he lied again. It was a stupid, little lie, but still a lie. One that cost me money again. Was totally disrespectful. I realized he wasn't worth my respect, time, love or anything. I told him to put on his shoes and that he was going home. On the way to the bus station, he said that it was my fault that TJ was going to be upset. That I was causing TJ pain because I was breaking up with Joseph. That was when I pulled over and kicked him out of the car, and didn't care how he got home at that point.
Today, I am proud of myself. I stood up for myself. I decided I deserve more than being lied to. I decided I deserve more than just someone who says they love me, verses someone that shows me they love and respect me. That is how much I have come to love myself. How much I like myself.
I cooked up a bunch of meat, and now have meals ready for over a week. I did go out and buy a cake, but came home and threw it out before having any. (Yay to not doing maladaptive behaviour!!!) I have gotten down to almost what I weighed when I got out of hospital back in March. I am going to keep going that way. It makes my back feel better when I am lighter. That and the prepared meals, and I am good to go.
I am proud of myself. I am happy. I don't need anyone else in my life, and am not going to look for it anymore. If someone falls into my lap, and they treat me the way I deserve, than maybe I will consider it. Until then, I am holding my head high.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
On the day and on time
Today was not such a good day. So many things were happening. Most were just in my head. Doesn't matter, it was still too much.
TJ was full blown most of today. That is stressful enough. Add in his shallow breathing, and his not having any "grownup" doctors and not knowing what hospital they would take him to, if I had to call 911. Add not having guardianship. Add dishes filling my sink. Add financial stuff. All equals an overwhelmed me.
I called my Mom for help, when I was at my worst. Problem is, I haven't gotten much better. I didn't do any of the yucky behaviour. I even turned away food (food I shouldn't have). Even now, I am feeling like nothing is going right. Just feel like everything, and I mean everything, is on my shoulders.
Right now I am sitting here, crying for no reason. Crying because...hell, I don't even know why. Just plain crying. I guess it is a buildup of emotions that I have no control over. Maybe I shouldn't have any control over them. Maybe I should just let them out. Maybe that will help.
Doesn't matter now. Time to go to bed.
TJ was full blown most of today. That is stressful enough. Add in his shallow breathing, and his not having any "grownup" doctors and not knowing what hospital they would take him to, if I had to call 911. Add not having guardianship. Add dishes filling my sink. Add financial stuff. All equals an overwhelmed me.
I called my Mom for help, when I was at my worst. Problem is, I haven't gotten much better. I didn't do any of the yucky behaviour. I even turned away food (food I shouldn't have). Even now, I am feeling like nothing is going right. Just feel like everything, and I mean everything, is on my shoulders.
Right now I am sitting here, crying for no reason. Crying because...hell, I don't even know why. Just plain crying. I guess it is a buildup of emotions that I have no control over. Maybe I shouldn't have any control over them. Maybe I should just let them out. Maybe that will help.
Doesn't matter now. Time to go to bed.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Tuesday roundup
So yesterday was a good day. TJ and I spent some quality time together. I didn't hear from Joseph, so I knew something was wrong. I gave myself a pampering by sitting out back, music blaring while reading my book. I am actually happy.
It has been a good week actually. Less frustration. Less back pain. Less maladaptive behaviour. Good all around good week. I keep living each moment at a time.It is as if, since meeting with the DBT therapist, I have been really conscious about my actions. Especially where TJ and Joseph are concerned.
With TJ, it is a big daily change. No yelling at him. I breath when I get frustrated. I turn my frustration into jokes or compromises. I take the time to sit and talk with him. We sit quietly watching shows and then talking during the commercials.
With Joseph, it is about communication. I talk about how I feel when he doesn't call me during the day. How I feel like he forgets about me, or is scared of talking to me when things go too good or too bad. I hear him when he tells me stuff, and have yet to pull the "It is your fault for not saying anything", instead of taking responsibility for my actions.
With family, I am still struggling. Karen and I had talked about "radically accepting" the fact that Cindy and TJ communicate in a weird, kind of bickering, way. Mom and TJ are no better. Thelma is also one I need to act that way with. I can't change how they all act towards one another. It is not my job to fix them, so I need to let it go. I am still learning. At least I haven't done anything to harm myself or my relationships.
I am keeping my altar nice. I still haven't written in my BOS. I haven't really done any meditation, or candle work or anything. My beliefs are always in my mind, but I can't seem to bring myself to practice, or pray even. It is like I can only concentrate on one thing at a time. Right now it is about getting better. Getting the tools to keep myself sane and out of the hospital.
Joseph and I are doing well. We have hit the 2 month mark (actually we hit if on Sunday). We love each other and are learning more and more about each other each day. We are each working on this relationship AS a relationship, and not just dating. We are taking the time to hear each other out. We are accepting each other's faults, and even music. We are taking care of each other. Me teaching him about his finances, and him helping me stay on my meal plan. The amount of food he leaves cooked when he leaves is astounding. this is a give and take relationship, not a give and give or take and take relationship.
So today, I am happy, TJ is happy, and Joseph is happy. Things are good. I am smiling.
It has been a good week actually. Less frustration. Less back pain. Less maladaptive behaviour. Good all around good week. I keep living each moment at a time.It is as if, since meeting with the DBT therapist, I have been really conscious about my actions. Especially where TJ and Joseph are concerned.
With TJ, it is a big daily change. No yelling at him. I breath when I get frustrated. I turn my frustration into jokes or compromises. I take the time to sit and talk with him. We sit quietly watching shows and then talking during the commercials.
With Joseph, it is about communication. I talk about how I feel when he doesn't call me during the day. How I feel like he forgets about me, or is scared of talking to me when things go too good or too bad. I hear him when he tells me stuff, and have yet to pull the "It is your fault for not saying anything", instead of taking responsibility for my actions.
With family, I am still struggling. Karen and I had talked about "radically accepting" the fact that Cindy and TJ communicate in a weird, kind of bickering, way. Mom and TJ are no better. Thelma is also one I need to act that way with. I can't change how they all act towards one another. It is not my job to fix them, so I need to let it go. I am still learning. At least I haven't done anything to harm myself or my relationships.
I am keeping my altar nice. I still haven't written in my BOS. I haven't really done any meditation, or candle work or anything. My beliefs are always in my mind, but I can't seem to bring myself to practice, or pray even. It is like I can only concentrate on one thing at a time. Right now it is about getting better. Getting the tools to keep myself sane and out of the hospital.
Joseph and I are doing well. We have hit the 2 month mark (actually we hit if on Sunday). We love each other and are learning more and more about each other each day. We are each working on this relationship AS a relationship, and not just dating. We are taking the time to hear each other out. We are accepting each other's faults, and even music. We are taking care of each other. Me teaching him about his finances, and him helping me stay on my meal plan. The amount of food he leaves cooked when he leaves is astounding. this is a give and take relationship, not a give and give or take and take relationship.
So today, I am happy, TJ is happy, and Joseph is happy. Things are good. I am smiling.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Not feeling good at all
I went to bed early and sick. I woke up late and sick. Seems like I may have the flu. "Runny poops", nausea, stiff muscles, head ache, sweats and chills with an over all feeling of sick. My Sis is the one that said it sounds like the flu. All I know is that I feel like crap and wish I could just stay in bed and sleep whatever this is off. Then again, I am a Mom, so that is impossible. Sis helped by bringing TJ over breakfast. Now I am up, and trying not to toss cookies. I have a sink full of dishes and a few things to cook up today. Other than that, I am going to take it easy as much as possible. TJ is helping out with that as much as he can.
The weekend went well. Joseph and I went for drives. He cooked for me. He made sure I actually ate, and have food left over for the week. I have BBQ'ed ribs, chicken and steak ready to be heated up and eaten. I am well prepared for the week ahead, if only I actually didn't look at food and heave. LOL.
He will be back this weekend. Arriving on Friday and leaving early on Sunday. Sunday we are celebrating Sis's birthday, and she doesn't want him there. I understand. Her birthday is about her and not my boyfriend meeting more family.
Wicca and therapy were brush away for the weekend. Most of the time was spent enjoying each moment. On walks I would find little things that I wanted to keep to remind me about the time outside. I got a few rocks, and an interesting "flower". They are now on my alter. A symbol of the season and of what I am drawn too.
Hopefully I will feel better soon. I will do the dishes. I will cook up the mushrooms and onions. I will, no matter how I feel today, be the good Mom and do what needs to be done.
The weekend went well. Joseph and I went for drives. He cooked for me. He made sure I actually ate, and have food left over for the week. I have BBQ'ed ribs, chicken and steak ready to be heated up and eaten. I am well prepared for the week ahead, if only I actually didn't look at food and heave. LOL.
He will be back this weekend. Arriving on Friday and leaving early on Sunday. Sunday we are celebrating Sis's birthday, and she doesn't want him there. I understand. Her birthday is about her and not my boyfriend meeting more family.
Wicca and therapy were brush away for the weekend. Most of the time was spent enjoying each moment. On walks I would find little things that I wanted to keep to remind me about the time outside. I got a few rocks, and an interesting "flower". They are now on my alter. A symbol of the season and of what I am drawn too.
Hopefully I will feel better soon. I will do the dishes. I will cook up the mushrooms and onions. I will, no matter how I feel today, be the good Mom and do what needs to be done.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Skipped a day and the rest of the weekend
Friday was good, and not so good. Good was the way TJ and I interacted and played and joked and just enjoyed each other. Good was Joseph coming for the weekend, eating home BBQed ribs and going for a drive.
Not so good was telling Sandy what happened to me when I was around 17 years old. It had been my homework from Karen. I did as I was asked. I got lost in time as I was talking to Sandy. I did a lot of talking and crying. Sandy got into the "why" I would have felt like I did. How could I answer that? I still don't know why I thought I deserved to be treated so badly or why I still question if I deserve to be treated nicely. I couldn't answer all that. I wanted to just run away after telling her all about it. I felt shame and yucky.
What I am proud of is I didn't do any of the maladaptive behaviour. I did not yell at TJ at all. I did not take any extra meds. I did not stuff my face with chocolate. I did not do anything that would hurt me in any way. I am very proud of myself that I found other ways to deal with the panic and stress I was feeling. Heck, I even watched Dr. Oz. I never watch that show. Guess what they were talking about. Stress.
Over all, Friday was good. One little blip, but that will turn out good soon too. For the rest of the weekend, I am going to be spending time with Joseph and relaxing and enjoying being cooked for, and having the dishes done.
We are off for a drive. Bye until Sunday night.
Not so good was telling Sandy what happened to me when I was around 17 years old. It had been my homework from Karen. I did as I was asked. I got lost in time as I was talking to Sandy. I did a lot of talking and crying. Sandy got into the "why" I would have felt like I did. How could I answer that? I still don't know why I thought I deserved to be treated so badly or why I still question if I deserve to be treated nicely. I couldn't answer all that. I wanted to just run away after telling her all about it. I felt shame and yucky.
What I am proud of is I didn't do any of the maladaptive behaviour. I did not yell at TJ at all. I did not take any extra meds. I did not stuff my face with chocolate. I did not do anything that would hurt me in any way. I am very proud of myself that I found other ways to deal with the panic and stress I was feeling. Heck, I even watched Dr. Oz. I never watch that show. Guess what they were talking about. Stress.
Over all, Friday was good. One little blip, but that will turn out good soon too. For the rest of the weekend, I am going to be spending time with Joseph and relaxing and enjoying being cooked for, and having the dishes done.
We are off for a drive. Bye until Sunday night.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Up early in the morning
Since I was up, and I just realized I hadn't done an entry for yesterday, I thought now would be a good time.
Yesterday was good. I went to the doctor, for my usual bi-weekly appointment. Blood pressure, very good. Weight, down a bit. Back pain, new drugs. Other than that, all is good with my body. Just wish my back pain would go away.
TJ and I had a good day. Quiet times around the house. If I felt my temper or voice rising, I would take a deep breath and make things playful. Changed channels on him just because. Made my voice and what we were doing into a joke. I kept things light and ended up not yelling at him at all.
Then, as I was getting ready for bed, my anxiety rose. Today I am supposed to tell Sandy about the PTSD symptoms, and tell her the incident that caused them. I am not looking forward to that. I feel that it is one of the reasons I am up at this time of day.
So, to keep calm, and not panic, I am doing a load of laundry so TJ has clothes for when he goes to Rygiel House this weekend. I am taking naps, so I am not so tired. I am planning my courses of action for today so when the anxiety rises, I don't do any of my maladaptive behaviour. This is called IMPROVE the moment.
IMPROVE stands for
Imagery - imagine hurtful emotions draining out of you like water out of a pipe as you breath deeply
Meaning - fine the purpose in this pain, like telling Sandy so we can treat the symptoms
Prayer - go outside and commune with nature works with me. Opening myself up by asking the Goddess and God to help bear the pain
Relaxation - having a cup of herbal tea and breathing deeply when ever I get the chance. Breath while in the shower or out back. Relax my muscles in the shower.
One thing in the moment - focus on what I am doing while I am doing it. Be mindful of what I am doing. Don't start thinking of what I am going to speak to Sandy about
Vacation - take mini breaks like going out back and reading (my oasis).
Encourage - cheer myself on with telling myself that I can do this. I lived this physically, it is now time to live it out loud. Make a plan and tell myself how good of a plan it is and that it will all work out.
So, for me herbal tea in the morning instead of caffine (caffine raises anxiety). Taking time outs and going out back for a breather (waiting 1 min before having a smoke). Putting laundry away. Packing TJ's bags and wheelchair up, for when he goes to Rygiel. Telling my self that I can do this without anything extra in my system (sugar, pills, etc). Going out back to read. Maybe do my nails while Sis is here.
So that is what I am going to do later today. Time to change over the laundry and go back to bed for a few hours.
Yesterday was good. I went to the doctor, for my usual bi-weekly appointment. Blood pressure, very good. Weight, down a bit. Back pain, new drugs. Other than that, all is good with my body. Just wish my back pain would go away.
TJ and I had a good day. Quiet times around the house. If I felt my temper or voice rising, I would take a deep breath and make things playful. Changed channels on him just because. Made my voice and what we were doing into a joke. I kept things light and ended up not yelling at him at all.
Then, as I was getting ready for bed, my anxiety rose. Today I am supposed to tell Sandy about the PTSD symptoms, and tell her the incident that caused them. I am not looking forward to that. I feel that it is one of the reasons I am up at this time of day.
So, to keep calm, and not panic, I am doing a load of laundry so TJ has clothes for when he goes to Rygiel House this weekend. I am taking naps, so I am not so tired. I am planning my courses of action for today so when the anxiety rises, I don't do any of my maladaptive behaviour. This is called IMPROVE the moment.
IMPROVE stands for
Imagery - imagine hurtful emotions draining out of you like water out of a pipe as you breath deeply
Meaning - fine the purpose in this pain, like telling Sandy so we can treat the symptoms
Prayer - go outside and commune with nature works with me. Opening myself up by asking the Goddess and God to help bear the pain
Relaxation - having a cup of herbal tea and breathing deeply when ever I get the chance. Breath while in the shower or out back. Relax my muscles in the shower.
One thing in the moment - focus on what I am doing while I am doing it. Be mindful of what I am doing. Don't start thinking of what I am going to speak to Sandy about
Vacation - take mini breaks like going out back and reading (my oasis).
Encourage - cheer myself on with telling myself that I can do this. I lived this physically, it is now time to live it out loud. Make a plan and tell myself how good of a plan it is and that it will all work out.
So, for me herbal tea in the morning instead of caffine (caffine raises anxiety). Taking time outs and going out back for a breather (waiting 1 min before having a smoke). Putting laundry away. Packing TJ's bags and wheelchair up, for when he goes to Rygiel. Telling my self that I can do this without anything extra in my system (sugar, pills, etc). Going out back to read. Maybe do my nails while Sis is here.
So that is what I am going to do later today. Time to change over the laundry and go back to bed for a few hours.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Plodding forward
TJ and I have had a good day. We watched TV. We had cuddle time. We told each other jokes. It was a nice day together. Right now he is at karate. Quiet time for me. The nurse will be here when he returns. She will take care of giving him a bath and such. I guess I should be happy and relaxing, but NOPE. Instead I am antsy.
I am having a hard time just even sitting here is difficult. Concentrating on typing this is difficult (this bit should be part of my therapy and how I am doing section LOL). I don't want to curl up and relax. I don't want to go out back and read with candles and relax. I keep wanting to move and pace and just feel jittery. I guess it is time to invoke some of my little DBT training. Also, I should write how I am feeling for tomorrow when I meet up with Karen.
Joseph has called twice. He can be so cute. Today he wanted to hear he was right. Right about something called the OST. He was, and I admitted it. He also called to let me know I was right about something. It is really cute the way we act. If this was someone else's relationship, I would be saying that the way we are acting was so sweet it was giving me a tooth ache.
I didn't get to writing down my Beltane ritual. I guess I have been feeling this way more than just now. I just couldn't sit down and do it. I got out my BOS. I lit some candles. I just couldn't put pen to paper. Tonight is not the night to do it. Not unless I can calm myself down.
Off to try to calm down. Find a settled down place in side myself. Time to use ACCEPTS. Time to do the dishes. Time to find a way to settle.
I am having a hard time just even sitting here is difficult. Concentrating on typing this is difficult (this bit should be part of my therapy and how I am doing section LOL). I don't want to curl up and relax. I don't want to go out back and read with candles and relax. I keep wanting to move and pace and just feel jittery. I guess it is time to invoke some of my little DBT training. Also, I should write how I am feeling for tomorrow when I meet up with Karen.
Joseph has called twice. He can be so cute. Today he wanted to hear he was right. Right about something called the OST. He was, and I admitted it. He also called to let me know I was right about something. It is really cute the way we act. If this was someone else's relationship, I would be saying that the way we are acting was so sweet it was giving me a tooth ache.
I didn't get to writing down my Beltane ritual. I guess I have been feeling this way more than just now. I just couldn't sit down and do it. I got out my BOS. I lit some candles. I just couldn't put pen to paper. Tonight is not the night to do it. Not unless I can calm myself down.
Off to try to calm down. Find a settled down place in side myself. Time to use ACCEPTS. Time to do the dishes. Time to find a way to settle.
Monday, August 09, 2010
Going to try this once a day thing.
So yes. I am going to try "writing" here once a day. I will cover family / relationships, wicca, and therapy. I will cover each of these things each day. There will be other stuff, but those are going to be the beginning of each post. So, here we go.
TJ (formally MIT) and I are having a nice quiet day. Well, quiet in the sense that he is busy watching TV and I am busy doing cleaning and thinking and stuff. Basically, daily keeping up with chores. I am also missing Joseph. It is nice missing him, but I really, really do miss him. He brings smiles to my face just like TJ does. Both do silly little things, just to make me smile. TJ is doing the same thing today. Doing silly things just to make me smile. I am a very lucky woman right now.
I need to update my BOS. I haven't written my rituals since Beltane. I have kept a record of them, but I would like them to be secure in my BOS. I need to just sit down, in the quiet, with my candles lit around me and take the time to write in my BOS. That is something I really need to do.
I haven't had any ill thoughts. Not lately. I am struggling with not taking certain meds when I really don't need them. I am going to try to pull myself off of them. I will let my therapist know how I am doing with it. Actually, both therapists. I see both of them this week. One on Wednesday and one on Friday. I know the session on Wednesday will be a tough one. I really don't want to go to it sober in any way shape or form. I will. I made a promise and I will keep it. I will show up there sober and probably in a lot of pain (my back). I will listen to her, and I will participate in the conversation and learning.
Other than all that? My back still hurts. I am actually eating 3 times a day. I am taking my meds 4 times each day. I am cooking what is in the house, and not ordering in on the credit card. Next step is to get back to some sort of exercise to work on my back and my core. Weight loss is not my goal. Getting out of pain definitely is.
Time for "regular" TV and time on the couch with TJ. Maybe he and I will go out to Hewitt's for some ice cream.
TJ (formally MIT) and I are having a nice quiet day. Well, quiet in the sense that he is busy watching TV and I am busy doing cleaning and thinking and stuff. Basically, daily keeping up with chores. I am also missing Joseph. It is nice missing him, but I really, really do miss him. He brings smiles to my face just like TJ does. Both do silly little things, just to make me smile. TJ is doing the same thing today. Doing silly things just to make me smile. I am a very lucky woman right now.
I need to update my BOS. I haven't written my rituals since Beltane. I have kept a record of them, but I would like them to be secure in my BOS. I need to just sit down, in the quiet, with my candles lit around me and take the time to write in my BOS. That is something I really need to do.
I haven't had any ill thoughts. Not lately. I am struggling with not taking certain meds when I really don't need them. I am going to try to pull myself off of them. I will let my therapist know how I am doing with it. Actually, both therapists. I see both of them this week. One on Wednesday and one on Friday. I know the session on Wednesday will be a tough one. I really don't want to go to it sober in any way shape or form. I will. I made a promise and I will keep it. I will show up there sober and probably in a lot of pain (my back). I will listen to her, and I will participate in the conversation and learning.
Other than all that? My back still hurts. I am actually eating 3 times a day. I am taking my meds 4 times each day. I am cooking what is in the house, and not ordering in on the credit card. Next step is to get back to some sort of exercise to work on my back and my core. Weight loss is not my goal. Getting out of pain definitely is.
Time for "regular" TV and time on the couch with TJ. Maybe he and I will go out to Hewitt's for some ice cream.