The Season is Upon Us...

Well, starting tomorrow that is. Today is about paying bills and getting groceries, and figuring out when to get what gifts for each person on my list. Today is also about getting the "pre-tree" decorations up from the basement. Today is starting to write out holiday cards, and wait for the school to deliver the photos of the MIT. Tomorrow is when i start to decorate.

i decorate my desk, entertainment center, walls, kitchen, and even the bathroom. The only rooms i don't decorate are the bedrooms. There must always be a place for escape from the stress of the season.

i already have every one's gifts picked out. i just have to go and get them all. i know, i have to leave the house, and actually go into stores. Not my favourite activity, but one that must be done. Then hiding in my non-decorated room for a little.

This year, i am not baking. i refuse. i usually end up hurting myself if i bake. i don't want that to happen. Plus, i just don't need the added stress. i may decide later to bake a few cookies, but not likely.

This year is about being as less stressed. This year is about enjoying the (soon to come) snow. This year is about remembering last year and previous years. This year is about enjoying those i love and that love me.

Cancelled and concerns

i cancelled the tea party. i cancelled it yesterday because my friend E is now in the hospital. i cancelled because i didn't want E and P and L to worry about my silly party, when E is in such bad shape. Plus i didn't want to worry about some silly party when E is in such bad shape.

i have to say, it is about time she went in. The doctors seem to agree, because she is being kept there. i am going to go in and see her tomorrow. i know she won't be getting out for a bit. That is going to be a downer for her. i will take in the tea catalogue and we can decide if we really want to buy anything out of it. i will also be taking her some diet Pepsi, since MUMC doesn't carry it in the hospital. i know i can do just those little things to help her. i'll be doing this in the morning, since i have a date tomorrow afternoon.

Now with P, well, He is in fix-it mode. Add worry mode, and i think He is going a little crazy. Him, i don't know how to help, other than to listen when He needs to talk. That is what i will do. i am good at that.

i haven't heard from L. i left Her 3 messages yesterday, and have heard nothing back. i know P left Her a message as well. i am worried about Her. i don't like not hearing from Her. i always get self conscious if i don't hear from her, like i have done something wrong, and She doesn't feel She can talk to me about it. All i can do is wait until She calls.

my date tomorrow is with T. She and i are going to New Moon. Yes i am actually going to see that movie. Her and i made a commitment to go and see it, when we first say Twilight together. i have a feeling i will also be taking her to the next one in the series. At least i know that she and i will be laughing it up, finding all the faults with the movie and walking out of there shaking our heads. It will be fun.

So tonight, E is in my prayers, along with P, L, T, and C.

Patting

i have been hiding for the last week. i didn't go out. i didn't shower. i didn't do anything i didn't have to do. All i had to do was put on a happy face for the MIT when He was here. i made food when i could. i ordered in when i couldn't. i did what i had to do. i kept a face on when needed, and i took it off when i was alone.

Yesterday i started to peak out from under my rock. i logged on to Facebook and resumed my games. Today i showered, and got dressed, and did what i had to do. i wanted to stay hidden, but i had to do things. The MIT to MUMC for the morning. Taking Him to get His hair cut with my Mom. Getting pop for E. Paid back P for smokes. Got myself some groceries. All done.

Tomorrow i am allowing myself to hide. There isn't anything i have to do tomorrow. Allowing myself a set amount of time to tuck away from the world is good for me. That is why i go camping. i can't afford to camp right now, so hiding in the house works.

After tomorrow, things get busy again. Thursday is two appointments. Friday is one appointment. Saturday is my tea party.

Oh yeah, i am having a Steeped Tea, tea party, on Saturday. Steeped Tea (well one of their sellers) is coming to my house to serve taster teas, and to take orders of their specialities. i will be serving tea food. 2 types of cucumber sandwiches, smoked salmon sandwiches, and pineapple sandwiches. All with their crusts cut off. All fancy and stuff. Oh, and with any tea, there is also a dessert. Shortbread, cream puffs, and even scones ( i hope. i am going to try and get Devonshire cream, then i will get the scones). It will be fun.

So anyways, this is my pat on my back for pulling myself out from under my rock.

And again

i am so relaxed and rejuvenated. i am at peace. i am enjoying the quiet and the dark, in my own home.

Yes, again i took myself camping. i was there for two nights this time. Godds it was great. Birds fluttering over birdseed. Squirrels chasing each other over nuggets of biscuits. Even raccoons coming right up to me at 8pm, not scared of me at all (i was scared of those spooky guys though). Again, i did nothing. No reading. No colouring. No going for long walks. i did go for a short walk and collected pine cones, but that was it.

i talked to the animals. i talked to My Baby Bear. Most of all, i sat, listened, and enjoyed the fire and being alone.

i have found the thing to do when the MIT is at Rygiel and i have no other plans.

i have also figured out what i am getting everyone on my gift list this year. i haven't gone out and gotten any of the stuff, but at least i know what it is i am getting and what it will cost me. That is a big worry out of my life. Holidays can be so stressful. i also know my schedule (most of it) for December. i know when Tree Day, Trifle day, Yule, Christmas, Last Day of School, and appointments are. i also know when some birthdays are and have figured out what those people get. i even know when i might be going camping again.

Shopping will be a breeze this year. Knowing when and how i am going to relax is calming.

i am actually excited this year.

Camping photos:

Something for ME

i took myself camping this past Saturday. It was for one night, and i want to do it again. No MIT. No Dad. Just me. And, i want to do it for more than one night. i so want to do it this coming weekend.

i struggled a lot on Friday. i had wanted to go. i kept telling myself how easy it would be, and that yes it was time to go. i just couldn't muster up the desire enough to get myself moving. Saturday i still struggled. Yes i wanted to go, but i didn't want to move from the house. i didn't have the drive to go. With my Sis's help, i got moving, but even then, it wasn't like i had the gumption to actually leave and do it. It wasn't until i was actually driving there (well, even then i had second thoughts) that i got comfortable with the idea of leaving my house to do it.

i really am glad i went. i slept in the van. i had the propane stove for tea. i brought easy food (lunch meats and buns) so i didn't have a lot of dishes. i took wood (always take more than you think you will need, because you will always need more). i was all set. i didn't even read. i just sat in my chair, and stared at the fire. Oh, and i talked to my Baby Bear, so people stayed clear of me. LOL.

Sure there are things i forgot. There are even things i have thought of taking for next time. With camping there is always evolving. By changing the trip from one night to two, food concessions will have to be made. Maybe a better book to read, and some colouring supplies to be brought. Other than that, i think i have it pretty well planned out. i could even decide what a person is getting for Yule, and start working on it (knitting, crafty, whatever).

i want to do it this weekend. Yes it will be colder, but i have solutions to that. Burning a tea light inside the van to warm it up works great. Staying 2 nights would be my dream. A friend even gave me an idea about a tarp over the van and out and across as a "shelter" to stay out of any rain or such. The MIT is gone this weekend, so yeah, i want to do it this weekend. But...

i have a million responsibilities. Going to the movies with E. Getting the MIT ready and dropped off at Rygiel. L wants me and E to go walking downtown TO. i have a doctor's appointment this week, a therapy appointment this week, and the van gets an oil change this week. All on different days. All needing my time.

i am going to fit in as much as i can, but i am going to go camping this weekend. Rain or no rain. i need this type of me time. (then again a fire pit for my backyard would be cheaper in the long run)

Starting the year off

i am taking a page from L's book. i am starting to write in a Book of Shadows again. i am using the book the MIT gave Mike in 2003. Mike never used it. It is blank, except for the page that the MIT wrote on.

i have already written in the Wiccan Creed. Next i am writing in the Pagan Creed. i am going to write in this year's Samhain "rituals". i am going to make little notes and things as they happen.

i contacted H to see if He had made the BOS we had talked about back in April of last year. The one using the leather from M. He wasn't home, but i talked to J and found out a lot of interesting stuff.

This year's Samhain brought back memories i want to keep. It brought up thoughts of the future. i need to make a connection to both.

Thank You L for being an inspiration, and letting me see it isn't such a bad thing to get started again.

The slowly shrinking boy

The MIT is now back in a size he was 3 years ago. He doesn't care if He gets in trouble. He doesn't care what is on TV. He doesn't want to go to school. He doesn't care about having to go get groceries. He does what He is told with little argument. He isn't His feisty self.

November 1st

Samhain has come and gone. i actually had a really good time this year. Like last year, i was surrounded by friends and family. Unlike last year, D wasn't there. i know how much i miss her. i can't imagine how much E is missing her. Samhain is a time when you invite your ancestors to your table, and say goodbye to those who have gone before you. It is both a happy time, and a sad time.

The MIT has been getting more fragile. He is waisting away. He is giving up. All i could think about (other than missing D and finally being reunited with L and her girls) was that soon, sooner rather than later, the MIT's picture will be on the altar. We will be wishing Him a happy journey, and supposed to be comforted that He will be waiting for me. i got myself into so much of a funk last night, that i had to leave early.

i want to fix Him. i want to be able to put that will to be involved and happy into Him. i want to make life OK for Him. i know i can't, and that is killing me inside.

Time to go back to my room and hide again.

10th year

Dear Master,

Tomorrow is our 10th year anniversary. i can't believe it has been that long. i can't believe you have been gone for so long.

10 years ago, You came to my house and helped me clean out my basement. You fondled me on the ladder. You kissed me when my Mom wasn't looking. You moved stuff, and You put stuff together. You came back the next night and stayed. After that, we were almost inseparable. i fell in love with You very quickly. You said You did also. 3 1/2 years ago, You left. Yes You died. Still, You left. i miss You less and less. i think of You less and less. i still wish You were here, but it is getting easier.

i know i am going to miss You for a very long time. i know You will always be a part of my heart. i know that, as it gets easier, missing You doesn't stop.

Happy Anniversary Master. i love You.

Things that make me go hmmmmmm.

Last night, my Sis and her friend (calling her R) took me to a strip club in Niagara Falls. It isn't the first time they have taken me. It has been a very long time. This time i wasn't the DD (designated driver) so i was able to drink. Drinking is what i did.

i had 8 Bacardi Breezers (orange) and 7 shooters. 4 were Goldschlager. i have no idea what the other 3 were. i can tell you what it tasted like coming up at 5:30 am, but other than that, no idea. Man was i drunk. i could still walk a straight line. i could still talk ok. i just knew i was very drunk, my nose was numb, as were my legs.

i don't find the strippers very appealing. Some, sure. Most are young and don't know how to move. The older one caught my attention, but it was short lived. What did catch my eye, was two waiters. The one, much younger than myself, and short, and had a nice chest. He walked around shirtless, and let me take shooters from his belt. LOL. The other, was older. Cute in a different sort of way. Shirt on the entire time. Him i would have loved to take home.

Well, i found out that R was going to ask him for his number for me. So, to avert that little high school like situation, i told him what was going to happen, and told him it was ok to just give her a fake number. He surprised me. He wanted to know why he would do that, and that he would just give it to me himself. And, he did.

So here i sit. Sober. With a phone number to a waiter, whose name i didn't know until he wrote it on the paper with his number, and no idea when or if to call him.

ARRRRGGGG

Time to breathe

So, P is good. He is out of the hospital. Tests came back fine. Has follow-ups and stuff, but for now, all is good.

Dad is good. He saw the doctor today, and gave them blood. Blood pressure is much better. Has more follow-ups, but for now, all is good.

MIT is a teen. He hurt me the other day. Head-butted me badly. i still have a goose-egg on my forehead from it. 8pm bedtimes for 3 weeks.

Now for me. i want back. i am ready. i want pain. i want to serve. i want to submit. All good things to say, but not the way to say it. i am ready for pain. i am ready to serve. i am ready to submit. That is better. It doesn't matter what i want, just that i am ready for it again. Yes hanging out with P and K and L and E and B helped prompt it out of me again. That isn't a bad thing. It feels like home when i am like that with them.

So yes, i am ready. In safe places. With safe people. People i trust and know. People i love and who love me. Yes i know i will end up going home alone. Yes i may feel like an extra sometimes. It doesn't matter.

i am ready.

This weekend is Thanksgiving. Next weekend is the MIT to Rygiel (weekend off). The next weekend, after that, is camping with Dad, the MIT, and me. My ways to relax. Now, what kind of trouble can i get into this weekend??

Another One

First my Dad, and now P. Both cardiac issues. Both had/getting angiograms. Both getting wake-up calls. i am doing what i can, but, as per who i am, i am letting them guide me. They get to call, or ask, and i am right there. If they are overwhelmed, i stay back.

Last night i stayed at E's. Well, really, i spent the day and night and part of today there. Who ever thought cookies needed to be baked after mid-night didn't realize the ramifications. LOL. Then staying up talking to 5, while interesting and entertaining, was not the brightest of ideas. LOL.

i want to fix it. i want to be at the hospital with E, and with L, and with K when the surgery is going on. No, i am not all healthy, but still. The MIT will be back at school tomorrow. He is healthy now. That means i have the time. That means i am free to be with them all.

i just called. i told E i want to be there tomorrow. She said yes. i am going to go and hang out at her place with K and L. Baby Bear will be coming, and E is telling Lucy. i even get to give E a wake-up call at 6am. i have also arranged for Sis to get the MIT off His bus after school because P's procedure isn't booked until 2, and i want to be there to hear He is ok.

So, now that all has been arranged, i am off to bed so i can be up and ready for the day with bright eyes.

Blech

Today sucks.

The MIT is still home from school. He will be off until at least Monday. Gods i hope it is only until Monday. i am sick. Sneezes abound. i feel like crap.

i have been eating better. The only problem is after 9. After 9, i feel sooooo hungry. i crave everything. Meat, chocolate, cereal even. The nurse says it is because my body isn't used to normal blood sugars, and it is like my body is saying i have a low sugar, and needs the food. Problem with me, is i can't stop. Once i start eating, i just can't stop. i don't know how to fix this yet. i will figure something out. i just don't know what yet.

i have shown L a site i thought She would like. Well, She did. i definitely have to start learning how to do tatting. i have so many ideas for gifts for people. All just doing tatting. Then there is back to painting and etching glass. So many ideas. i should start a list. Not here. Don't want anyone i am making for seeing what i am making. Maybe that is something i can do when i get hungry. Plus there is also knitting again. The MIT really likes my knitted blanket. i want to make a bigger one.

Ok, time to go get dinner ready and take my meds.

Sick, and other stuff

The MIT has been sick since we returned from camping. i sent Him to school on the Monday and the Tuesday, but then He was getting worse, so i have kept Him home since. He was much better on Friday, before He went to Rygiel, but came home sicker (is that a real word?). Usually He arrives at Rygiel perfectly well and comes home sick. i thought maybe it would work the opposite way this time, but i was wrong. So here i sit. Home with the MIT. Sick, myself. At least we got the all clear from the doctor saying it is just a cold.

i have decided to be a role model for my Dad. i have got to get back on the horse in keeping my blood sugars normal. Got to. How can i tell my Dad what to do, when i am doing the complete opposite? Yesterday was grocery shopping, and i have so much healthy food in the house, it is ridiculous. Yes there are treats for the MIT, but i am going to make myself stay away from them. i even have yogurt for me for my night time snack. Raspberry and dragon fruit is yummy. Today i was good and actually had breakfast. Egg and toast. Maybe if i eat all day (portion sizes and stuff) i won't feel so famished at night. That is a huge goal for me. i am even putting up my little post-it notes in the kitchen and around the house. "Eat breakfast", " Lunch at 1:00", "No snacking after 9:00", and my favourite "Follow YOUR plan!!!". Adding to all this, the keeping up on taking my meds (when i have them) and making sure i always have them. Plus there is the checking of the blood sugars. Time to kick it up a notch. i may even join the Y and get some exercise in. That would be a big help. There are some programs i am interested in. i just need to try them, so i can actually see if i can do them. This is where my Sis's membership will come in handy. She can let me join a few classes for a free trial before i decide what it is i want to participate in.

i am missing Thistle. She was cute and calming to me. i could just sit and hold her for hours. i want a hedgehog so badly. i have made a deal with my Sis, that once i am approved for ODSP, i can get one. i am going to get a male and E and i are going to breed them. Mine will be registered, so that can add to the value of the babies. i just have to find a registered breeder, and get the supplies, and then off we can go. Some research is involved, but i am up for it. Who knows, i may just end up with a clan of them.

L and i have reconnected. i am not going to let that friendship go. i will be emailing her, or calling her once a week. Same as i do with P. They can be so controlling LOL. That is partly why i love them both. It is nice and comforting to have my family back together. Now to get us all back in the same room at the same time.

Today is forms and deadlines. i have my "income assessment" for my housing to hand in today. i have meds to pickup. i have my gas bill to hand into OW to increase my check (they took off $100 because of my van). The increase will only be about $20, but everything helps.

Wow, this bdsm journal sure has nothing to do with bdsm. It hasn't for a while. Then again, that is where my life is right now. BDMS, not a priority. Getting my life somewhat normal is. You can't give over control of something you don't already have control over. That is what i am working on. Getting control of my life (where i can) so that when i find One that can handle me (LOL), i have my life under enough control, that giving over some of it, is a true symbol of my submission.

Well, time to go to the drug store, and then home to take meds.

Breaking the silence

i contacted Her. Finally. We figured out some stuff. We are good now. i am glad She accepted my friendship again. She is glad i accept Hers. It was and is time. It was bitter sweet catching-up with Her. All the things we have both missed out of the other's lives. It is all good though. i am sure we will be doing more catching-up. i can't wait to see Her. i need to give Her one of my hugs. i need to feel one of Hers.

Dad, MIT, and Adventures

So Dad is fine. Well, not really but yes. He had an angiogram, and it came back normal. No blockages, not to much plaque, no issues that needed to be addressed. So he was discharged on Wednesday. He is diabetic (type 2), but he won't acknowledge it. He does have high blood pressure, but he won't acknowledge it. He has heart damage (it only is working at 65%), but he won't acknowledge it. So what do we do this weekend?

We go camping!!!!!

Yes i took Dad, and the MIT camping again. Dad was on restrictions on what he was allowed to do, but didn't stick to them, and i didn't smother him. i would ask how he was feeling when he looked pale. i would check his blood sugars in the morning, or when he felt faint. i let him try to listen to his body. That is the only way he will learn. i also allowed him and the MIT to gang up on me and boss me around a little.

i also controlled what we all ate. i made sure it was all healthy, and included lots of veggies, and had moderate amounts of carbs. Of course i also made sure everyone took their meds when they were supposed to.

Yes it was stressful, but it was also fun and to me, curiously enough, relaxing. i still say we needed more fire wood. i will make sure we have enough next time.

Today is laundry and dishes day. Plus, i get to take a splinter out of my leg. Other than that, enjoy the quiet while the MIT is at school.

Happy Mabon. i will be doing a little ritual tonight, and will be serving stew (celebrating the harvest of root veggies and squash and "fall veggies"), apple crisp, and whole grain bread. Plus i will be making a fire in my BBQ again. i really love this time of year.

Dad update

Well, Dad is stable. Sort of. His blood pressure is still fluctuating. His legs are still swollen. He still gets winded easily. At least he is out of emerg. and in a room in the day surgery ward. No TV or phone for him, but access to the smoking area.

The MIT has gone with Mom. She will be keeping Him tonight. Now i get to fall to pieces.

i am so scared. i don't want to loose my Daddy. i don't like him being old. i don't like him being sick. i don't like worrying about him. i don't know what will happen with the MIT if Dad dies. They are so close. i don't think He can handle that amount of loss. Then again, i don't know if I can handle that amount of loss.

i haven't been vomiting. i think my brain told my body it had to get better so i can go and see him. i am scared to go and see him. i don't want to see him in a hospital bed. i don't want to see him hooked up to monitors.

He will be in for a while. They will be starting testing on Monday. Checking his heart, veins flow, arterial flow. Those sort of things. i may have to cancel the camping trip we have scheduled for this coming weekend. He told me on the phone not to cancel it. Mom says he is to stay there and take all the tests no matter how long it takes, or until the staff kick him out for being a pain in the ass.

i just need to go and cry for a while. Just let out this fear and then go and visit him. It has to be before 8. That is when hours are over. i may even find a way to stay the night with him. Go out for smokes with him.

So off i go. To hide and cry and panic for a little while. Then put on my Advocate face and go see him.

Realizing parents get old

For the last few weeks, my Dad hasn't been feeling well. He wouldn't go to the doctor. He hasn't gone to one in 8 years. Thursday night, my Dad told my Mom to make an appointment with the doctor for him. Damn, he must have been feeling really bad.

At the doctor's, they found out that his blood pressure was dangerously high (288/172), his legs were swollen, and he has been feeling light headed. The doctor sent him directly to the hospital. They processed him immediately (the doctor had called ahead). The results?

Dad will be in the hospital for a little bit. He needs his blood pressure to come down. He had a heart attack in the last 24 hours. There may be damage to his heart, but don't know how much.

It isn't often i feel helpless. This is one of them. See, i am sick. i have been vomiting, and nauseous for the last 2 days. i just forced myself to eat something to make sure i won't throw up. If i don't throw up, i am going to go and see him. i am going to get answers i need. i am going to check him all over myself, just to make sure he is being treated well.

Logically, i know my Dad is getting older, and health problems should be expected. Emotionally, he is my Daddy. He never gets sick. He can handle anything. He is like superman.

Me? i am feeling like Daddy's little girl that needs him to tell me everything will be alright and fine, and nothing bad will happen.

Less than 2 weeks left.

We have been doing "back to school" stuff lately. We have all the supplies. We have gotten the MIT's hair cut and coloured again (this year he is a redhead with an army cut). We have gotten His teeth checked (2 cavities). Today is a doctor's visit. All the stuff for Him to be ready to return to school. i am so excited.

Soon i will be able to catch a sleep after He leaves for school. Soon i will not have to take Him to get groceries or anything, i can do it while He is at school. It is a freeing time of year. Yes i am still on call. Yes i still have to worry about Him getting hurt or having really bad days, but it is freeing.

i have been thinking very hard about L lately. God i miss Her. i can't make the first move though. i can't contact Her before She, if ever, contacts me. See, in my eyes, She pulled from me. She took me off Her friends lists (FB and FL). She stopped accepting emails from me. She couldn't even bring Herself to drop off my stuff to me. God that hurt. i still remember Her words in our final email to each other. The words hurt so much. So, no. i can't contact Her.

If She contacted me? Wow, i would be elated. i would answer Her in a moment. i would respond, and i would go see Her and wrap my arms around Her and tell Her it would be alright, and i would tell Her how proud i am of Her. i would offer Her what ever i had to give. myself, my service, my shoulder, my talents. i am already doing some of it. i am watching. i wonder if She is watching me?

P has been around a lot lately. i appreciate the attention. i know part of it is to bring me back out and around. i have been hiding this summer. Heck, i have been hiding from everyone, even M from the neighbourhood. She is still in the thralls of her relationship. She only calls or comes over when she wants something. i don't need that. i have only enough energy to give, and she is not someone i really want to give it to.

i feel like i am babbling. Like i am not staying on any topic. i had better go and settle my thoughts and myself a little. i have been really unsettled lately.

A Bad Week, but that isn't on my mind.

For as bad as my week was, i have anything but on my mind. Tonight i just want to be.

i want to be on my knees at some One's feet.

i want to feel some One's nails combing threw my hair.

i want to lean my head on some One's leg and feel the warmth of their skin.

i want to hear a whisper in my ear.

i want to be told i am beautiful.

i want to feel skin against my skin.

i want to please some One just by my actions and anticipation.

i want to be massaging some One's feet.

i just want to be with some One that knows who i am and what i can do, and how special it is for me to give myself.