Wed, 12 Jul 2006

Mood: don't ask
Topic: How i feel

i am missing You so much. The depression is getting worse. i am pulling away from everyone and everything.

Sherry really pissed me off. She is making Your death all about her. If anyone wants to do something, or make a reminder about You, it is about her. Hardly about me, but all about her.

Helmut had wanted to do a pagan ceremony for You. A pagan goodbye. He couldn't find a way to do it before Camp. So He wanted to do it on the Friday night of Camp. i couldn't handle the thought of it. i still can't. Anyways, it became all about how it is up to me and Sherry if it should be done...in Sherry's eyes. Nothing about the rest of the Org. Nothing about how really it is up to me, but all about mainly her.

That is how it always is with her. Every decission that is made is about her. Every time she spends here is about her and her grief. It doesn't matter how i am feeling. i get to express my feelings for like a minute and then it is all about her again.

i have stopped emailing her every day. i just can't. It was such a meaningful D/s thing between You and i. i am not in that place with her. She won't define it. i am still the extra with her. She tries to pretend i am not, but i am. At least with P and E, i know i am the extra.

i want to not be the extra anymore. i want You back and i want to be Yours again. Still. With You i know my place. i am Yours. You are my Master. i am Your submissive/slave. i have a place with You. i have no place without You. i am all alone. So alone that i am pulling away from everyone. i am lost. i need You.