How long is it appropriate for one to wait after the loss of their partner to start craving again? Is almost 4 months enough time? Am i being disloyal to Mike and His memory for wanting and craving?
i am home alone tonight, and all my thoughts are geared to wanting and needing. i want to feel pain. i want to be able to serve someone. i want to be able to follow orders. i want to be able to please someone even if i don't get anything out of it, because seeing that someone is pleased, does give me pleasure. i want to hear someone's voice in my ear to say i can come. i haven't been able to do that to myself since His death. His voice hasn't been there. i wasn't allowed without His permission if i was doing it myself. i can't seem to get there and give myself that permission. i still ask, either out loud or in my head and wait for His answer. It never comes. So neither do i.
i am not saying i haven't played since His death. i did, and it went ok. i got to orgasm. i got to feel pain. There was also a voice there, one that He seemed to have left for me to be with, able to give me permission. i have pulled away from that person, that voice. She was what i needed at the time. She was like a connection to Him. i don't feel that way about Her anymore. i don't even like the idea of it being Her voice anymore. She was ok for me when i needed that "connection" to Him, but that was all She was. Just a connection. i guess i used Her for that.
Tonight i keep thinking that i am being disloyal, being selfish, being cold for wanting and needing even an orgasm. The idea of someone inflicting pain on me feels like a desire to escape. But it is still there. i just don't want it to be because i am trying to escape or trying to forget Him.
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I have never lost a lover through physical death. But after five years of life with someone that I deeply loved I had to throw him out of my house because he'd become addicted to crack and all the attempts at curing him failed.
I felt like a battered spouse and often felt that I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. So I know something about seeking love again after great loss. But not feelings of disloyalty. I'm sure your friends have already offered the standard "he would've wanted you to go on."
I by sheer insane luck found myself in a loving BDSM relationship very shortly after the end of my earlier relationship.
It gave me the will to go on, the pleasure in life to feel that life was worth living.
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