Don't Wanna

Today i get to go and to the St. Joe's phsyciatry department for an assessment.  i don't wanna go.  i want to stay home and curl up in bed and hide.  i want to keep doing what i have been doing.  i want to only let out how i feel on my terms, and not someone else's.  i don't want to open up for a perscribed amount of time.  i don't want to let the piled-up emotions to come flooding out and feel broken again.  i feel like i have rebuilt myself back up.  i have put many of the pieces back into place and i am surviving.  i know i am not all fixed.  i know there is alot more for me to put back into place.

Yes i still think of hurting myself.  i still have plans in place of when, and how.  i still want and even feel like i need to do it.  The only thing keeping me here is MIT.  i can't figure out how to do it without it hurting Him emotionally or even physically.  And i hate it.  i hate that the MIT has that much control over my life.  i hate that my whole world revolves around this person that depends on me so much.  i just hate and resent Him alot right now.  i hate that the one thing i resent the most is the only thing keeping me from following threw.

Yes, i know.   i do this with every new experience.  i know i tend to get all nervous before hand and then go through with it, and it is never as bad as i thought it would be.  i am just really worried about how i will be tonight, after the appointment.  i am worried i can't bury what ever comes out while there.  i am worried that i will implode from all the "storing" i have been doing.  i am worried they will want me in the hospital. 

i know i still have more fixing to do, that all the pieces are not back in place.  i know i have been battling this depression for over 10 years without seeing someone "professionally" (other than my family doctor).  i am still here.  Like i told the lady on the phone, i can't be anything but here. 

Venting isn't working this morning

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