Lost It (Day 30)

i have lost all energy. i am sleepy all the time. i have no time to really sleep. What sleep i do have is wracked with weird dreams. i have no energy to go outside, do dishes, water plants. To do anything really. i am so tired. i don't want to get out of bed, when i finally do get some sleep. i don't want to eat. i don't want to cook. i don't want to look after my plants. i actually looked at my plants wilting, and just didn't give a damn. Doing anything with the MIT isn't even a thought. i don't want to take Him anywhere. i don't care if He or i go outside. i just don't care about anything any more. i have given up.

i am hoping it is just the sleeplessness. i am hoping it isn't full blown, drowning depression. Actually i know it is the depression. i have those thoughts again. Ones where i am done, and waiting to just be able to die. To kill myself without guilt of leaving the MIT. i still have a plan. i have picked out the clothes i want on my body when i die. i have written the note to go with my death. i have the entire plan. i am just waiting for the right time.

It is sick that the dream i had of the MIT's death actually filled me with hope. Hope that it was all ending soon. Hope that i could just die. How sick am i to find hope in my Son's death? Not even hope for Him, to be able to not have to deal with His disorder. Just hope and calm for me to finally get what i want. So much for no guilt. At least not right now anyways.

Yeah, i have hit that point again. i wonder how far into the summer it was last year. Maybe i will go back and look. i am thinking it is longer than last year. i am thinking i have been able to keep it at bay more easily. It doesn't really matter i guess. The fact that i am back in that place is the important part. Next is how to deal with it.

Getting more sleep isn't an option. i get to sleep on set days. Even then the days aren't really set. Stuff can get in the way.

Tuesday nights from 4:30-6:30pm 7-10pm
Wednesday nights from 5-10pm
Thursday nights from 6-8:30pm
Friday nights from 4-8pm
Saturdays from 10-3pm 4:30-Sunday at 8:00pm

Those are the times set in stone that i have the opportunity to sleep. Then there are times i am so over tired, i can't get to sleep. Then there are the times i have to do running around during those times because the MIT isn't able to do some stuff with me. Then there are times i need to just do something. Something like going outside and reading, or being around kids other than the MIT. Something that makes me feel like i am actually part of the world other than that of the MIT's. The debate is always there. Sleep or pleasure. Too bad i can't get both at the same time.

This weekend is slightly different. This weekend i have from Friday at 9pm-Sunday at 5pm. That is right, it is Rygiel weekend. A weekend of the MIT being away for two nights in a row, and the opportunity for me to sleep for 44 hours. Of course that doesn't include times to be awake for food, or pee breaks, driving time, or shower time. This time it feels to overwhelming. The idea of that much time alone feels like too much. At least when it is a shorter amount of time, i am not worried about following my plan. (Ok, back to feeling demented again. i want to die, but am scared i actually will do the deed. How weird.)

Well, time to find something to watch so i can stay awake, when all i want to do is curl up in bed and sleep. Not worrying about if the MIT wakes up or not. Not worrying what anyone would think if i let it happen. Just a long blissful sleep.