i am totally faking being happy and ok. i am putting on a happy face. i am putting on a cheerful glow. i am walking around fooling as many people as i can. Inside, i just want to cry and curl up and pretend the world has ended. Inside i have given up. Inside i am ready to call it quits. my therapist knows it. my doctor knows it.
i told them both on Friday. First Sandy and then the doctor. Both know i am going to stick around. The MIT isn't keeping me here anymore. It isn't a thought to me anymore. It is a complication right now, that is all. The only thing keeping me here right now is common courtesy and common sense. It isn't much. It is all there is right now. Beyond that, i just don't want to be here anymore.
The tree is decorated, only because my Dad came over after the MIT complained. The baking has been started, only because my Sis came over and helped direct me. The baking is the last "gift" i need to get. Everything else is done. i have wrapping to do, but that can happen later. It is just the baking now. i have 2 types done. i have 3 more to go. i just don't want to do them.
Instead, a nice distraction. i will be spending tomorrow with D. She has changed so much since her meds were altered. It is nice to see "her" back again. She has been missed. i am sure her and i can get in trouble together tomorrow. It is my plan anyways. Not my agenda, just my plan. i will, as always, follow her agenda. She is excited about Christmas. She is excited about feeling better. Being with her will be a nice distraction. It won't change how i feel. It won't change my mind. It will just be a nice distraction.
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