Another one dead

This entry deserves a space of its own, so that is why i am posting it now.

Another "kid" with AHC has died. She was the oldest living person with AHC. She was 44 years old. She had a sever seizure, that left her unconscious until she died. Her body lived 1 week after the seizure, never waking up. She was from Montreal. She was what all parents of kids with AHC had looked to as a "bright light" and a chance at a future for our kids. She is gone now.

i never met her. Either has the MIT. It still feels like someone in our family has died.

A pat on the back for me

i actually turned down meeting someone next weekend, because i have already made plans. i am proud of myself. Especially after the reaction i got when i said no.

It is one thing for someone to say that they want to play with you, meet you, spend time with you, and can see it being a more than once thing. It is another thing to then say, when turned down for another commitment, that they won't be able to even consider meeting me, until late June / early July. Hmm, lets look at this. They want to meet me on the 22nd, and they want to be able to see me again, but they won't be available until after summer has started to do that. i don't think so.

Yes i would have liked to have set up a meeting with this someone. Yes he intrigued me. No, i am not cancelling my plans. No, i am not going to drop everything to meet someone i have never met before over people i have known much longer.

Pout all you want. Try to make me feel guilty. It isn't going to work, and i am not going to let my integrity be challenged for someone i don't really know.

March Break

i am back to not getting much sleep. The MIT has been off school since Friday. i did have a break Saturday night (thanks Mom and Dad), but that is it. Yesterday i made sure i had stuff to do around the house so i could keep myself up. Dishes, laundry, easy cleaning stuff. Today has been the same. i can't remember the last time i did dishes 2 days in a row, along with laundry 2 days in a row. Everything is caught up. Hopefully i will dirty some dishes between now and tomorrow, so i can look forward to doing that.

i did get some happy news yesterday. my summer is looking up. Well, it was. Then i got to remembering. Remembering and looking through pictures. i have to keep reminding myself that remembering is ok. It isn't the end of the world. Lack of sleep and remembering sucks. i know i have pictures somewhere from 2003, and 2002. i just can't find them. i want them. i want to look at them and remember more. i just can't find them. i didn't have a digital back then. He did. i don't have a CD of His that has those memories on them. i remember having my film camera back then. i thought i had taken pictures with that camera. i can't find them. Maybe the film is lost. i can't remember that part.

i am stuck in memory mode, with the MIT home and His being bored all the time. i am broke since buying His birthday gift. i still haven't had a chance to get together with my friends to clear up the misunderstanding. i am feeling very stuck.

Being OK is actually OK

Today was therapy day. It was a good session. When Sandy asked how i was, i came right out and said that i was OK. i am getting used to being OK. i am dreading a time when i am not so OK, but i am enjoying being OK right now. Sandy is happy for me. She also understands that i am prepared for not being OK. She assured me that i do have the tools for when i am not OK. That was nice to hear.

We talked about how i didn't get depressed over being lied to by some guy. i didn't get depressed over the issues surrounding the MIT and school, or His cutting. i didn't get manic either. i didn't hurt myself. i cleaned. i danced around the house. i was OK.

We also talked about the MIT. Guess what. She agrees He is depressed, and wants me to push His seeing a psychiatrist. Duh. He has been depressed for a number of years. He hates Himself. The new acting out (cutting and hitting Himself) are just a progression of His depression. i had already decided to push His seeing someone more than just His Beth. Stuff is getting to the point that i don't think she can handle it. It was nice hearing Sandy back me up in how i have been feeling about the MIT. She also reassured me that with the tools that i have, i am doing the best for my son.

Right now it is snowing. i am enjoying watching it fall. It keeps flipping from giant, fluffy flakes, to the small, drizzly kind. i know a lot of people are sick of the snow and miss the sun. i have been getting my sun when it is out. i stand out side, basking in it. i open all my blinds and let it shine in the windows. i am also surrounding myself with flowers of the spring. Tulips on my alter. A pot of daffodil bulbs on my kitchen table. i have been keeping my green stuff healthy. All 4 plants on my file cabinet. 2 plants on my desk. 2 plants above my TV. 4 plants in my kitchen. i feel better when i am surrounded by green and colour.

i am also looking forward to the MIT's 16th birthday. i got my income tax back, and i am going to splurge and get Him a Nintendo DS. i had thought about a Wii, but i doubt He would play it as much as the DS. i am also looking forward to my birthday. The MIT has decided that we are going to the Mandarin for my birthday dinner. i know He has already gotten my gift. He did it when i was at therapy. It will be a good time.

Soon to be 38, and still counting. That is remarkable in its own right, considering how suicidal i have been.

Keeping busy

So, i am trying not to eat when i shouldn't. i am having trouble not eating once i eat a meal. After lunch has been really hard. i am craving chocolate, cake, sweets, meat, cheese, food, food, and more food. i could so go out to the store, even now, to just buy chips, or chocolate, or anything at this point. So i am trying to keep busy instead.

Shovelling has been done. Dishes have been done. Laundry is being done. Vacuuming of the MIT's room has been done. Tidying my room has been done. i am now out of things to do.

i can't go lie down, since the MIT is home. That is my other avenue to keep me from eating. Sleeping. Reading makes me want to snack. Even sitting here makes me want to chow down on something.

i got the munchies, and nothing but will power to fight it.

Still not depressed or manic

i know i have said this before, but it still amazes me. i feel....centered. Things are just copacetic.

i am taking all my meds on time. It feels good to have been doing it for a full month without forgetting. my sticker idea is working. 2 more weeks, and they say it becomes a habit. i will still be keeping up with the stickers in my day planner. It makes my planner look really nice, and pretty, and cool. i really like doing it.

i have been eating better. Well, i was until the weekend. i binged on chinese food and chocolate. It is hard to get back to eating healthier after that. The urges from the meds makes it more difficult. i am craving more food after i have actually eaten. i still struggle with making myself eat, but once food hits my mouth, i want to keep eating until i feel sick from being over full. i really hate this struggle. i have been taking my blood sugars more. They are really showing when i binge.

The drama with Sir_Tony_47 hasn't finished yet. He keeps messaging me on yahoo. If it wasn't so pathetic it would be funny. Apparently the woman i contacted from alt, that he told me was his ex, isn't his ex, and now i have caused trouble between him and her. Ooooops :)

Well, the MIT is now off to school. Time for me to actually get some sleep.

The Conclusion of Sir_T_47

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Tomorrow and today

Tomorrow, the date i was supposed to have, well, i got scammed. The man wasn't who he said he was. i found out before meeting him. He has my address. i was stupid in the fact that i moved to fast, but smart when things he said didn't make sense anymore. i am feeling more stupid than smart. i am feeling more angry at myself than at the liar. Live and learn.

Today was a difficult day. Today the school told the MIT that He is no longer allowed to move around the caffateria and socialize unless He is in His wheel chair. i warned Him yesterday. i caught Him cutting Himself. His cutting came after a lot of Him swearing and yelling in His room.

i didn't want to shame Him. i am a cutter myself. i know that won't help Him stop. He has an appointment with His therapist, but not until the middle of March. He doesn't know what to do with large amounts of emotions. i don't know how to teach Him how to deal with them. i can only come up with plans for Him to follow (like swearing in His room, or punching His pillow) when He feels so overwhelmed.

Yesterday, i decided i needed to brighten up this place. i replaced light bulbs. i bought flowers. i set up my altar to reflect the coming seasonal change.

Isn't it pretty? The morning sun lights it up really nicely. The little leprechaun is a candle and a gift from the MIT last year. i will be burning it this year. The MIT wants me to.

i am not depressed over everything that has happened. That is a good thing. i am not manic. That is also a good thing. i seem to be pretty even keeled right now. It is a little weird. Good but weird. i am more used to being up or down. It is interesting getting used to.

Well, i guess that is all for now. Wish me luck on the weekend if the liar shows up. i do have backup, so i am not that worried. i am just hoping it is over.

The day after

Cleaning the rest of the day did help me settle. The basement got finished. i have a lot of boxes to break down and tie up and put out on garbage day. i don't know if i will be doing that tonight or not. i may need some motivation. i even cleaned out my bedroom and vacuumed and tackled my toy closet. It was totally disorganized. It looks much better today and has been dusted.

Before picture

After picture

It is a sad statement to say i had to dust off my toys. That is how long they haven't been used. One of the reasons for dusting them off, is they will probably be used this weekend.

What else. Tomorrow the MIT has His EEG. He is really worried about it. He is getting to take the whole day off school for it, even though it is in the afternoon. It is likely that He will go full blown, but the hope is He won't. The big van is being taken just in case. All i need is a full blown kid and no wheelchair. Nope, not going to take that chance. i hope He behaves in school today. i don't need another day of Him giving the lunch lady the finger. i do enjoy His 8:00pm bed times though.

How do i feel?

i am either manic, or just want a clean house, or trying to burn off my anger. i am picking number 2 & 3 right now. i am hoping it is not because i am manic. Manic sucks.

The anger is from my meeting at the MIT's school. Seems they have issues with the MIT walking around the cafeteria at lunch time. Seems they have an issue with Him actually socializing with people His own age. Seems they want to stop Him doing it. OK, i get that they are worried about His safety. i get that they don't have the staff they would like for the MIT at lunch time. i get that they have liability issues.

Still, it states in His IEP that some of the goals is for Him to be more social, more independent, use His wheelchair less, walk more, and initiate conversation with others. This is exactly what He is doing. He is socializing. He is talking to others. He is interacting with His peers. He is walking around without being told to do so. He is taking His chair with Him, because He knows He needs it. He is growing-up and now they want to shut Him down.

This is going to hurt Him. He is going to get angry (actually, i broached the subject with Him and He actually said the F word). He doesn't understand. He thinks He did something wrong. He thinks they don't trust Him. He is starting to blame His disability again. He is back to hating who He is. i don't think they really know what this is going to do to Him.

i have fought tooth and nail, and He has grown. He is maturing. He is actually socializing! He is actually making friends! This is a huge step for Him. i just can't believe they are going to take that away from Him.

So now, i am cleaning. i have vacuumed my ceiling (And to whoever invented the popcorn ceiling...i hate you). i have filed my income tax. i have done dishes. i have rearranged stuff in the basement. i have vacuumed my room. Next on my list is dusting and more moving stuff in the basement. Gods i am angry

On to the next guy

i have been talking to a guy over the last few weeks. Little email messages here and there. Last night we had a long talk, both online and on the phone. Turns out to be someone i new 5 years ago. Someone i had a crush on even when i was with Mike. We talked on the computer for 2 hours, then the phone for another 2 hours, and then on the computer for another 2 hours. It was a long night.

He had dropped of the face of the earth when his then wife and him divorced. He went threw a number of submissives since then. He has since been diagnosed with cancer. He is still fighting it. He remembered me, and when he saw my picture, he recognized me and decided to contact me. He didn't let on that he knew me. It took him talking about fireplay for me to realize i might know him. If he had contacted me the way he would have normally done, we wouldn't have ended up talking. i would have brushed him off in a hurry.

So, now, i am having him over for dinner on Saturday. No expectations. Just a hug and a kiss is all we have really talked about. i am excited. This is someone i always wanted to play with. This is someone that i noticed fall off the face of the earth. This is someone i have no concerns saying to my family (extended one) that i am seeing. This is someone i feel comfortable saying i am interested in. This one feels right.

Therapy Day

Yes it was therapy day again today. It was actually good. i had good news to talk about. i had pride in how i handled things last Friday, with the MIT. i had the news about my "date" last Friday. i had the news about how unguilty i have been feeling, and how i am not disecting the good feeling. It was all good. Sandy said i looked lighter. She had never seen me in that kind of mood before. i said it was sad that i haven't been this light before. She said it was a blessing. She said it was a good thing. She is good with the idea of me just riding how i am feeling. She is happy that i am happy. i am happy that i am happy. i don't remember being this happy in a long time. It is a nice feeling, and one i intend to ride as long as my brain and body let me.

i also hit another milestone. my blood sugars are more normal today. The doctor and i increased my one med. She increased it more than i thought, but it seems to be working. That, along with my watching what and when i eat. The only problem with this increase in med, is that it makes me feel more hungry at times when i am not normally hungry. i am back to eating by the clock, and pacing when my brain thinks i am hungry. my only other defense is to sleep. Maybe that is an option. Then again, the point is to also get in more activity, so sleeping more is counter productive.

Other than that, the MIT has been doing well. His meds have also been increased. Since then, He has actually walked off the school bus 2 times this weekend. Yeah! That is 2 times this entire month. That is a big deal. Also, He just came home from karate. He now has a stripe. He hasn't tried for a stripe in like....forever. He actually tried for, and got a stripe. i am sooooooo very proud of him.

Still Good

So i am still not feeling guilty or remorse or even that i made a bad decission. i am impressed with myself. i did not say "sorry" to Mike. i did not ask Him if it was ok. i said "thank You" to Him instead. He didn't hide my keys. He didn't make things go bump. i did feel Him when i went to bed on Sunday morning. i did feel His hand on my face. To me, that was Him saying it was ok. Maybe going out and meeting people is not such a bad idea for me anymore. i know i am not ready for a long term thing. i can't make that big of a move. i am good with what happened on the weekend. i am also good with trying to get out more.

i am still good.

What a weekend

We'll start with Friday. i had a "date" set up for Friday night. my first date since Mike died. my first time with someone other than extended family since Mike died. Those plans were nearly cancelled because of the MIT

The MIT had one of His "passed out, come too, vomit, pass out" episodes. i called the ambulance early. i got Him to the hospital quickly. He scared a bunch of the nurses and doctors. He was in and out of consciousness for over 7 hours. They ran a CT and an ECG and found nothing wrong. His white count was a little high, but they think it is because He actually was having multipule seizures. After the 7 hours, He was back to His regular self. Walked right out of the hospital after having something to eat. We do have followup with His nuerologist. We may be changing His meds. At least He got better in time to go to Rygiel this weekend. That meant my "date" could go as planned

i met the guy on Collar Me. He was supposed to be dominant. Yeah right. He is more a submissive that thinks doming means pleasing the submissive and not himsef. That was fine, especially since i really needed to be "pampered". Let's just say, oral is a good thing. Oral for 3 hours is a good thing. Especially when you are the one receiving it.

To me, it was a nice "date". i got to be pampered and road hard sexually. i needed it. i needed the sexual release. Yes i am feel stiff from muscles barely used in almost 2 years. Other than that, i am feeling much more relaxed. i never new i could orgasm that many times. i never knew i was not just a gusher but a squirter at times. i know...TMI.

i don't know if i will ever see him again. i am inclined not to. i got what i needed, and am ready to move on. i don't want to be with someone that is "that" submissive. i need someone that can hurt me and not feel guilty about it. Yes the sex was good, and well needed, and well deserved, but i don't think i want anything more from him.

Overall, i am a happy camper today. Who knows what will happen next.

Life as a nut

Things have been ok around here. T

The MIT and i are still watching Charmed. We are onto the second season. We should be finished on Thursday. i have no idea when we will be getting the third season, but i know He is looking forward to it. It is a nice family time we spend together. We don't just sit there and watch. We cuddle, we talk about what we are seeing, He uses His imagination and pretends to have magical powers. It is nice. The best time is first thing in the morning, before school, during breakfast. The idea of watching an episode prompts Him into getting dressed and ready for school quickly. No arguing or anything.

i have been doing really well with taking all my meds. i have also started charting my calories. It isn't that i am trying to loose weight, as i am maintaining without even thinking. It is more just so i can see what i am eating and when, and to see if there are healthier choices i could be making.

Well, the MIT just got home, so off i go to that life.....

Sitting and dwelling, and venting

i am sitting here, listening to the sound of the computer hum, and realize there are so many things i want to do.

• i want to start and herb garden in the spring
• i want to buy books on wicca, herbs, and oils
• i want to paint my bathroom
• i want to repot many of my plants as they outgrow their smaller pots
• i want to get a freezer, and actually be able to stock-up on food
• i want to get a Nintendo DS, a Wii, and games, for the MIT for His birthday
• i want to start making things to give people during special occassions

Then i look at my bank account. All i see are little numbers. There are so many things i want to do, but nothing to do them with. Heck, this week i have only enought for tampons (really needed) and waffles for the MIT. After that, nothing for the week after. All that with no money coming in until the 20th. Forget me getting smokes or pop, or anything else that is needed in the house over the next 11 days. At least i have enough bread and ham in the house to be able to send Him to school with lunches.

i am even starting to look around the house for stuff to sell. Yes it is that bad. If only i could get a client, a paying client, booked. Ok, a couple of paying clients. God that would be nice. When will this happen for me?

Other stuff

The MIT and i have been having a fun time watching the first and now second series of Charmed. Yes, Charmed. That weird witch show that first started airing in 1999. It brings back memories and is making more memories.

When the MIT and i watch it, we sit on the couch together, and pause at funny things, share shock at the "guest stars". It is fun to sit there with Him and watch a show we used to watch, and remember what we can about "way back then". The MIT and i have fun watching it, and we connect watching it. It is something that we do together and cuddle together, and enjoy together. We are having fun with it.

i am also remembering when Mike would sit and watch the MIT and i as we watched the show. He knew that the time and day of the show was special for me and MIT and he would sit and watch with us, or go to the bedroom and read. For someone that "turned" wiccan, He sure had a weird reaction to the show. i do remember Him asking me questions about what was real, and what wasn't, what was possible, and what wasn't.

OK, this is sounding jumbled. Time to go.

Lent

So the MIT and i have figured out what we are giving up for lent.

MIT - sushi
me - chocolate

Mixing faiths

On Saturday, i celebrated Imbolc. Also known as Candlemas. i really enjoyed it. i enjoyed setting out the candles to burn all night in my windows, leaving an offering to Bridget (sp), preparing my little altar on Imbolc eve. i really enjoyed taking down my yule wreaths and burning them, lighting the circle of candles on my altar, making goals for the coming year and empowering the candles with the goals and energy to reach them. The most fun i had was walking around in the snow without shoes on, and freezing my son's nurse with having all the doors and windows open for an hour.

Today is Pancake Tuesday. This is one of my Son's celebrations. i have decided this year to be more involved with His traditions, as well as mine. So in that spirit, we are going to pancake dinner at the church i grew up in, and He calls home. Wednesday is Ash Wednesday, and i may even join Him in that. i am actually going to give up some stuff for lent, just as He is. We are going to decide tonight what we are giving up / sacrificing for the next 40 days until Easter (Sundays don't count. Do the math)

You might be asking yourself, how can a woman, that is a solitary practioner, support her Son's need for Christianity. It is easy. It is all about faith. The fact that we both have faith is the main thing. The fact that we practice different "celebrations" and a few phylosophies is of no consiquence. He has always known that i support His, and He is starting to support mine, even if He doesn't quite understand them.

On top of all this, i have other things to "report". He is finally back at school. After 1 week of being off sick, then 2 weeks for exams, and 1 day for a snow day, He is finally back at school. i do have some work to do on the school front, as they have taken Him out of one class, and put Him into gym. Plus, gym is early in the day. This is a forcast for many days of loss of muscle tone for the rest of the school day, and little being accomplished. If gym was even moved to the end of school, the last period, i could handle that. At least then, he would be able to participate in His other classes.

One other good thing. i won a bet and got a one hour massaage. Damn it felt good. It felt nice having someone's hands on me again, even if it was because of a bet. The massage oil we used was a peppermint and eucoliptus blend. It sure drained out the sinuses. It was a nice way to spend an hour yesterday morning.

Snow Day!!!!!!

It is officially a snow day. The MIT was supposed to go to school today, but that has changed because of the weather. School was cancelled. YEAH !!!!!!

Now all i have to hope is that my doctor's appointment isn't cancelled, because i don't know how long i can deal with this pain. This damned cyst is killing me. The antibiotics are killing me. Well, not really killing me, but draining me of energy. The pain is bad when i have to move around. The antibiotics make my stomach feel really bad.

Yeah for no school, but booo if my appointment is cancelled.