Healing, following, living, and celebrating

Saturday was a busy day. It turned into a nice and quiet night. It was a good day.

First L&D showed up with their kids and we had a good exchange. L and i are going through a lot of the same things with our children. We both have to deal with a child that is having a difficult time liking themselves. It was nice for me to hear that someone else is dealing with the same problems. i think it was the same for her. We decided that the issue (what ever it was) 6 months ago, isn't worth ruining our friendship over, mainly because neither of us can remember what it was really about. That was a relief. i didn't want to loose them from my life. They are important to me. Both the grownups and the kids. It was also nice to hear that both the MIT and i are important to them as well, and that they understand that the MIT is getting worse and that doesn't bode well for the future.

Watching the MIT and their girls was wonderful. Watching the MIT and them interact was just as fun. He gets so animated with D. It was nice to see Him show off in front of people again. It was nice to see the MIT's nice side.

After they left, including the MIT, it was quiet time for me. i enjoyed setting up all my candles for light and heat during the 1 hour of lights out for the celebration of the earth, and conservation of resources. Once 8:00 came. i had already had the computer shut off, the microwave, can opener, toaster unplugged, and my candles lit to light and heat the house. It was nice in that hour. i actually used the time to meditate.

Overall, Saturday was a good day. It was a relief to reconnect with L&D. We are making plans to see each other again soon. The night was enjoyable also. The quiet and time to meditate is something i might do again next Saturday. It was a great day.

Today it is time to celebrate the MIT turning 16. i remember a time when it was hard to picture Him turning 3, or 6, or 13. To picture Him turning 16 was a far off goal. He has made it. He will be 16 tomorrow. Yes we are struggling with Him not being able to learn how to drive. Yes He is angry about it not happening. Yes it is something else He has to struggle with. We will survive it.

i can't wait for Him to see what i got Him. He is going to be really excited. i used all my income tax refund to buy Him a Nintendo DS, a case for it, and a game. He picked out His own cake, and is really excited about it. The family is getting together, as per usual, and having pizza. Tomorrow, on His actual birthday, we are going to have a small celebration of our own. We are ordering in Swiss Chalet, i am getting another cake, and we are going to sit around and watch whatever He wants.

MIT

i am having a really hard time with the MIT. His depression is really getting to me. i can't fix it. All i can do is wait for the referral to go through, and hope He survives until then. On top of the depression, is His decline in stability, ability to walk, and having more bad days than good. i am His mother. i should be able to fix it. Yeah, right, like i have a magic wand or something.

Yesterday He came home so angry from karate. He was mad because He was given His second stripe on His blue belt. You would think that was a good thing. Not for Him. He doesn't think He deserves it. His self loathing is really bad right now. He couldn't hear me tell Him how proud i was that He was using His words and not His fists. Even today He couldn't hear how proud i was of Him. Feeling pride means liking something about yourself. He doesn't have that right now.

We are back to watching Charmed. It is a nice time for us to sit and laugh and cuddle and connect. He hates Himself so much, He wants the character "Leo" to heal Him. Tonight He called Himself a "half demon". i don't know if watching Charmed is such a good idea anymore.

Yesterday was also the first time in over a month that He actually walked off the school bus. His communication book did say that He lost a side in the morning. That is every day for the last 2 months. Every day when His body lets Him down. Every day when He has to rely on His chair or someone helping Him. Easter weekend was difficult. He went full blown for most of it. His physical abilities are letting Him down, and are progressing downward. It is like watching His body die. The reality is, that is actually what is going to happen. He is going to die. i am going to outlive my son.

i don't know how to help Him, other than listen, make sure His surroundings are safe, and tell Him i am proud of Him, even when He doesn't want to hear it, or can't hear it. i just get to sit and wait it out with Him. Wait for some professional to help the two of us get to the other side.

What about Saturday

Well, as the title suggests, this post is about Saturday night. The night i actually went out to a play party. Yes i actually did go to the party. Yes i did have fun. Yes i did get played with. Yes i had a good time. Yes i am proud of myself for going.

my only issues was after the play. i ended up going home right after. It wasn't any body's fault. i just was looking for Mike after. i was looking for Him to put His hand around my face. To press my face into His hand and feel and smell His skin holding the breath from my lungs. Yes i dropped. i think that was part of the problem. i felt the need for Him to be there. He wasn't there.

i know it is something i need to get used to. i know it will take time. i am not giving up on me. i just know i couldn't hang around there any longer, waiting for Him to come up to me and make sure i was ok, or watch over me, or keep me from breathing, or rub my ass and enjoy how warm it was. i just couldn't stay there feeling like that. So i came home. i squeezed my face into His pillow. i wrapped my arms around Splotchy. i cried because i miss Him. And then i went to sleep.

A long Thursday

Yes it was a long day. It all started at 5:30 am and didn't stop until 11:30 pm.

First it was getting the MIT off to school. Then groceries. No big deal. Just an hour out of my life i can never get back. Then it was time to shower and get dressed professionally. Meeting at the school. Meeting with my therapist. Home to the MIT. Then He was off to a pot luck dinner at church (Maunday Thursday). Then, i did something i haven't done in a very long time.

i went to the Hamilton Mixer all by myself.

i am really proud of myself. i went at the beginning and didn't leave until after 10:00. i talked to people i hadn't met before. i talked to people i haven't seen in a long time. i enjoyed myself. i am also proud with the way i handled the arrival of the two people, that really made my life miserable after Mike died. i felt my heart beat faster, and my breathing increase, but then i just breathed deep, and continued my night. i didn't go up to them, and i didn't avoid them on purpose. i just pretended they weren't there. They left before i did. i am really proud of the fact that i didn't panic and that i didn't run out of there, letting them take away a great night.

So yeah. i am proud of myself. i am proud i did everything i had to yesterday. i am proud i handled the meeting at the school. i am proud i went to therapy after. i am proud i went out last night.

This is me smiling and glowing

38 and more

i am now 38 years old. Well, officially i turned 38 yesterday. i had a good birthday.

Sunday was the family get together. i got all the seasons of Charmed. i got money. i got a necklace. i got an Eeyore with a star, and another Eeyore mug. The mug and little stuffed Eeyore were from the MIT. my Mom said He picked it out all by Himself. The money was good. It was enough for the MIT and i to go out to dinner last night. Charmed, well, the MIT and i are back to watching it again, every chance we get.

Yesterday was the dinner with the MIT at the Mandarin. He didn't eat much. He only had a bowl of soup and 2 special drinks. One red (strawberry freeze) and one green (lemon and lime freeze). i, of course, ate from the buffet. Luckily i read everything before picking it to add to my plate. They had a dish called cashew shrimp. Nope, didn't have any. Didn't even have the either of the dishes beside it. i just couldn't take the chance.

Today is the anniversary of when Mike was diagnosed with lung cancer. It is weird how much i missed Him yesterday. i kept expecting a card, or for Him to show up with flowers. i went with how bad i was missing Him, and you know what? i am ok today. i am not depressed. i am not in a hiding mood. i am ok.

Tomorrow i take the MIT to His therapist. The doctor has made a referral to a psychiatrist. His depressing has been suppressed all these years, but it is still there, and time to make something happen.

Thursday is therapy day. It is also a meeting at the school day. i will be able to fit them both in. That isn't the problem. Actually i can't think of a problem with it. It will be nice to talk to Sandy after the meeting. A way of getting my frustrations out without turning them towards anyone, or anything. Then again, getting mad does help with the house cleaning.

Thursday night i am going to the Hamilton Mixer. i haven't been there in ages. i was scared of going because of who i might run into (L&A). i am not scared anymore. They can't hurt me more than Mike's death did. They are nothings.

Saturday i am going to Endorphins. Yes i am actually going to a party. Again, i haven't been there in ages. i just have no idea what to wear. i feel like going out and buying something new. i won't. i will wear something i like. i know i will probably get a bit of a spanking from one person. We will see how that goes. Apparently i owe her LOL. Or is it that she owes me. Either way, i will be making the most of the night.

Ok, off to get some actual sleep. The MIT had a noisy night.

Today, and tomorrow

Today it is 4 years since i started to journal/blog online. i haven't moved most of my posts from my old blog yet. i don't know if i will. i started blogging on blogger, to hide from people after Mike's death. i didn't want them to follow me. i have stopped hiding. i have shown where my blog is, if people are really interested in finding it. i am not hiding this blog. i am living it.

Today is the celebration of my upcoming birthday with my family. Today at 3:00, i will be at my parent's house, opening presents, eating cake (no chocolate), thanking my parents, my Nana, my son, and my Sis. Today i will be eating sweet and sour meatballs with rice.

Today is the last day of my alone weekend. Today i pickup the MIT and we are back to normal. Today i have caught up on all my sleep. Today i feel better than i did in the past week. Today i have figured out that the loss of Leslie doesn't change how i look at the MIT. i still see Him as a success. i still see Him as talented. i still see all His accomplishments. i will continue to see Him accomplish many things. He is growing up, and i will continue to enjoy that. i will also enjoy each moment in His life, so that when He dies, i will have happy, pleasant, and pride-filled memories.

Tomorrow is my actual birthday. The MIT and i were going to go out for dinner. That isn't going to happen. i have $40 to my name, need to buy gas, need to get some groceries and probably some smoke. The $40 has to last me until the 20th. Like that is going to happen. But it must, so no special dinner for just the MIT and i on my actual birthday. i will be turning 38.

Tomorrow the MIT is back at school, and i can get more sleep. Tomorrow life gets back to our old routine. Tomorrow my "normal" returns.

Still processing

i am still processing the death of Leslie, and why it is throwing me for such a loop. i guess the idea that i will outlive my child (forgoing car accident, death by illness or anything like that). It is hard to wrap my head around, even though i have had to continually process the idea for his entire life.

The MIT and i talked about His funeral again. We talked about how He isn't going to die until He is 200. We talked about how everyone will be made to wear a red top and green pants. There will be no balloons or flowers, He hates those. There will be rap music. He wants Mike Myers to be there, dressed like Shrek and "Fat B", combined. We talked about me crying, and being more upset about His dying than Mike's (He needed to hear that), because i have known Him longer. We talked about who else He wants to be there. We talked about His now wanting a "big box" rather than a "little box". He even knows who He wants to do the service.

The talk was done in a light manner. He kept asking how old i would be when He dies at 200 (222 for the record), and how old everyone else would be.

He is so fascinated by the idea that in heaven, He won't have AHC anymore. How it would be so much better than now. i won't let Him read the announcement or any of the other emails because of this. People keep sending their condolences and saying how much better it is for Leslie since she won't be suffering any more. i just don't see that as being the MIT.
Yes He struggles, and yes He gets frustrated, but He isn't suffering. He is living. He is thriving. He is exploring His world more. He is showing His need for Independence more.

This weekend, He is going to respite. i will have 2 nights of sleep. i need this weekend to ponder and process. i need this time to figure out how Leslie's death is really making me feel. i need this time to really look at my expectations for the MIT over the next few years. i need this time to decide if i want to start "fixing" the MIT, so He can be here longer, or if i just deal with one crisis at a time, and live each day for itself. Processing is the key to this weekend.

Another one dead

This entry deserves a space of its own, so that is why i am posting it now.

Another "kid" with AHC has died. She was the oldest living person with AHC. She was 44 years old. She had a sever seizure, that left her unconscious until she died. Her body lived 1 week after the seizure, never waking up. She was from Montreal. She was what all parents of kids with AHC had looked to as a "bright light" and a chance at a future for our kids. She is gone now.

i never met her. Either has the MIT. It still feels like someone in our family has died.

A pat on the back for me

i actually turned down meeting someone next weekend, because i have already made plans. i am proud of myself. Especially after the reaction i got when i said no.

It is one thing for someone to say that they want to play with you, meet you, spend time with you, and can see it being a more than once thing. It is another thing to then say, when turned down for another commitment, that they won't be able to even consider meeting me, until late June / early July. Hmm, lets look at this. They want to meet me on the 22nd, and they want to be able to see me again, but they won't be available until after summer has started to do that. i don't think so.

Yes i would have liked to have set up a meeting with this someone. Yes he intrigued me. No, i am not cancelling my plans. No, i am not going to drop everything to meet someone i have never met before over people i have known much longer.

Pout all you want. Try to make me feel guilty. It isn't going to work, and i am not going to let my integrity be challenged for someone i don't really know.

March Break

i am back to not getting much sleep. The MIT has been off school since Friday. i did have a break Saturday night (thanks Mom and Dad), but that is it. Yesterday i made sure i had stuff to do around the house so i could keep myself up. Dishes, laundry, easy cleaning stuff. Today has been the same. i can't remember the last time i did dishes 2 days in a row, along with laundry 2 days in a row. Everything is caught up. Hopefully i will dirty some dishes between now and tomorrow, so i can look forward to doing that.

i did get some happy news yesterday. my summer is looking up. Well, it was. Then i got to remembering. Remembering and looking through pictures. i have to keep reminding myself that remembering is ok. It isn't the end of the world. Lack of sleep and remembering sucks. i know i have pictures somewhere from 2003, and 2002. i just can't find them. i want them. i want to look at them and remember more. i just can't find them. i didn't have a digital back then. He did. i don't have a CD of His that has those memories on them. i remember having my film camera back then. i thought i had taken pictures with that camera. i can't find them. Maybe the film is lost. i can't remember that part.

i am stuck in memory mode, with the MIT home and His being bored all the time. i am broke since buying His birthday gift. i still haven't had a chance to get together with my friends to clear up the misunderstanding. i am feeling very stuck.

Being OK is actually OK

Today was therapy day. It was a good session. When Sandy asked how i was, i came right out and said that i was OK. i am getting used to being OK. i am dreading a time when i am not so OK, but i am enjoying being OK right now. Sandy is happy for me. She also understands that i am prepared for not being OK. She assured me that i do have the tools for when i am not OK. That was nice to hear.

We talked about how i didn't get depressed over being lied to by some guy. i didn't get depressed over the issues surrounding the MIT and school, or His cutting. i didn't get manic either. i didn't hurt myself. i cleaned. i danced around the house. i was OK.

We also talked about the MIT. Guess what. She agrees He is depressed, and wants me to push His seeing a psychiatrist. Duh. He has been depressed for a number of years. He hates Himself. The new acting out (cutting and hitting Himself) are just a progression of His depression. i had already decided to push His seeing someone more than just His Beth. Stuff is getting to the point that i don't think she can handle it. It was nice hearing Sandy back me up in how i have been feeling about the MIT. She also reassured me that with the tools that i have, i am doing the best for my son.

Right now it is snowing. i am enjoying watching it fall. It keeps flipping from giant, fluffy flakes, to the small, drizzly kind. i know a lot of people are sick of the snow and miss the sun. i have been getting my sun when it is out. i stand out side, basking in it. i open all my blinds and let it shine in the windows. i am also surrounding myself with flowers of the spring. Tulips on my alter. A pot of daffodil bulbs on my kitchen table. i have been keeping my green stuff healthy. All 4 plants on my file cabinet. 2 plants on my desk. 2 plants above my TV. 4 plants in my kitchen. i feel better when i am surrounded by green and colour.

i am also looking forward to the MIT's 16th birthday. i got my income tax back, and i am going to splurge and get Him a Nintendo DS. i had thought about a Wii, but i doubt He would play it as much as the DS. i am also looking forward to my birthday. The MIT has decided that we are going to the Mandarin for my birthday dinner. i know He has already gotten my gift. He did it when i was at therapy. It will be a good time.

Soon to be 38, and still counting. That is remarkable in its own right, considering how suicidal i have been.

Keeping busy

So, i am trying not to eat when i shouldn't. i am having trouble not eating once i eat a meal. After lunch has been really hard. i am craving chocolate, cake, sweets, meat, cheese, food, food, and more food. i could so go out to the store, even now, to just buy chips, or chocolate, or anything at this point. So i am trying to keep busy instead.

Shovelling has been done. Dishes have been done. Laundry is being done. Vacuuming of the MIT's room has been done. Tidying my room has been done. i am now out of things to do.

i can't go lie down, since the MIT is home. That is my other avenue to keep me from eating. Sleeping. Reading makes me want to snack. Even sitting here makes me want to chow down on something.

i got the munchies, and nothing but will power to fight it.

Still not depressed or manic

i know i have said this before, but it still amazes me. i feel....centered. Things are just copacetic.

i am taking all my meds on time. It feels good to have been doing it for a full month without forgetting. my sticker idea is working. 2 more weeks, and they say it becomes a habit. i will still be keeping up with the stickers in my day planner. It makes my planner look really nice, and pretty, and cool. i really like doing it.

i have been eating better. Well, i was until the weekend. i binged on chinese food and chocolate. It is hard to get back to eating healthier after that. The urges from the meds makes it more difficult. i am craving more food after i have actually eaten. i still struggle with making myself eat, but once food hits my mouth, i want to keep eating until i feel sick from being over full. i really hate this struggle. i have been taking my blood sugars more. They are really showing when i binge.

The drama with Sir_Tony_47 hasn't finished yet. He keeps messaging me on yahoo. If it wasn't so pathetic it would be funny. Apparently the woman i contacted from alt, that he told me was his ex, isn't his ex, and now i have caused trouble between him and her. Ooooops :)

Well, the MIT is now off to school. Time for me to actually get some sleep.

The Conclusion of Sir_T_47

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Tomorrow and today

Tomorrow, the date i was supposed to have, well, i got scammed. The man wasn't who he said he was. i found out before meeting him. He has my address. i was stupid in the fact that i moved to fast, but smart when things he said didn't make sense anymore. i am feeling more stupid than smart. i am feeling more angry at myself than at the liar. Live and learn.

Today was a difficult day. Today the school told the MIT that He is no longer allowed to move around the caffateria and socialize unless He is in His wheel chair. i warned Him yesterday. i caught Him cutting Himself. His cutting came after a lot of Him swearing and yelling in His room.

i didn't want to shame Him. i am a cutter myself. i know that won't help Him stop. He has an appointment with His therapist, but not until the middle of March. He doesn't know what to do with large amounts of emotions. i don't know how to teach Him how to deal with them. i can only come up with plans for Him to follow (like swearing in His room, or punching His pillow) when He feels so overwhelmed.

Yesterday, i decided i needed to brighten up this place. i replaced light bulbs. i bought flowers. i set up my altar to reflect the coming seasonal change.

Isn't it pretty? The morning sun lights it up really nicely. The little leprechaun is a candle and a gift from the MIT last year. i will be burning it this year. The MIT wants me to.

i am not depressed over everything that has happened. That is a good thing. i am not manic. That is also a good thing. i seem to be pretty even keeled right now. It is a little weird. Good but weird. i am more used to being up or down. It is interesting getting used to.

Well, i guess that is all for now. Wish me luck on the weekend if the liar shows up. i do have backup, so i am not that worried. i am just hoping it is over.

The day after

Cleaning the rest of the day did help me settle. The basement got finished. i have a lot of boxes to break down and tie up and put out on garbage day. i don't know if i will be doing that tonight or not. i may need some motivation. i even cleaned out my bedroom and vacuumed and tackled my toy closet. It was totally disorganized. It looks much better today and has been dusted.

Before picture

After picture

It is a sad statement to say i had to dust off my toys. That is how long they haven't been used. One of the reasons for dusting them off, is they will probably be used this weekend.

What else. Tomorrow the MIT has His EEG. He is really worried about it. He is getting to take the whole day off school for it, even though it is in the afternoon. It is likely that He will go full blown, but the hope is He won't. The big van is being taken just in case. All i need is a full blown kid and no wheelchair. Nope, not going to take that chance. i hope He behaves in school today. i don't need another day of Him giving the lunch lady the finger. i do enjoy His 8:00pm bed times though.

How do i feel?

i am either manic, or just want a clean house, or trying to burn off my anger. i am picking number 2 & 3 right now. i am hoping it is not because i am manic. Manic sucks.

The anger is from my meeting at the MIT's school. Seems they have issues with the MIT walking around the cafeteria at lunch time. Seems they have an issue with Him actually socializing with people His own age. Seems they want to stop Him doing it. OK, i get that they are worried about His safety. i get that they don't have the staff they would like for the MIT at lunch time. i get that they have liability issues.

Still, it states in His IEP that some of the goals is for Him to be more social, more independent, use His wheelchair less, walk more, and initiate conversation with others. This is exactly what He is doing. He is socializing. He is talking to others. He is interacting with His peers. He is walking around without being told to do so. He is taking His chair with Him, because He knows He needs it. He is growing-up and now they want to shut Him down.

This is going to hurt Him. He is going to get angry (actually, i broached the subject with Him and He actually said the F word). He doesn't understand. He thinks He did something wrong. He thinks they don't trust Him. He is starting to blame His disability again. He is back to hating who He is. i don't think they really know what this is going to do to Him.

i have fought tooth and nail, and He has grown. He is maturing. He is actually socializing! He is actually making friends! This is a huge step for Him. i just can't believe they are going to take that away from Him.

So now, i am cleaning. i have vacuumed my ceiling (And to whoever invented the popcorn ceiling...i hate you). i have filed my income tax. i have done dishes. i have rearranged stuff in the basement. i have vacuumed my room. Next on my list is dusting and more moving stuff in the basement. Gods i am angry

On to the next guy

i have been talking to a guy over the last few weeks. Little email messages here and there. Last night we had a long talk, both online and on the phone. Turns out to be someone i new 5 years ago. Someone i had a crush on even when i was with Mike. We talked on the computer for 2 hours, then the phone for another 2 hours, and then on the computer for another 2 hours. It was a long night.

He had dropped of the face of the earth when his then wife and him divorced. He went threw a number of submissives since then. He has since been diagnosed with cancer. He is still fighting it. He remembered me, and when he saw my picture, he recognized me and decided to contact me. He didn't let on that he knew me. It took him talking about fireplay for me to realize i might know him. If he had contacted me the way he would have normally done, we wouldn't have ended up talking. i would have brushed him off in a hurry.

So, now, i am having him over for dinner on Saturday. No expectations. Just a hug and a kiss is all we have really talked about. i am excited. This is someone i always wanted to play with. This is someone that i noticed fall off the face of the earth. This is someone i have no concerns saying to my family (extended one) that i am seeing. This is someone i feel comfortable saying i am interested in. This one feels right.

Therapy Day

Yes it was therapy day again today. It was actually good. i had good news to talk about. i had pride in how i handled things last Friday, with the MIT. i had the news about my "date" last Friday. i had the news about how unguilty i have been feeling, and how i am not disecting the good feeling. It was all good. Sandy said i looked lighter. She had never seen me in that kind of mood before. i said it was sad that i haven't been this light before. She said it was a blessing. She said it was a good thing. She is good with the idea of me just riding how i am feeling. She is happy that i am happy. i am happy that i am happy. i don't remember being this happy in a long time. It is a nice feeling, and one i intend to ride as long as my brain and body let me.

i also hit another milestone. my blood sugars are more normal today. The doctor and i increased my one med. She increased it more than i thought, but it seems to be working. That, along with my watching what and when i eat. The only problem with this increase in med, is that it makes me feel more hungry at times when i am not normally hungry. i am back to eating by the clock, and pacing when my brain thinks i am hungry. my only other defense is to sleep. Maybe that is an option. Then again, the point is to also get in more activity, so sleeping more is counter productive.

Other than that, the MIT has been doing well. His meds have also been increased. Since then, He has actually walked off the school bus 2 times this weekend. Yeah! That is 2 times this entire month. That is a big deal. Also, He just came home from karate. He now has a stripe. He hasn't tried for a stripe in like....forever. He actually tried for, and got a stripe. i am sooooooo very proud of him.

Still Good

So i am still not feeling guilty or remorse or even that i made a bad decission. i am impressed with myself. i did not say "sorry" to Mike. i did not ask Him if it was ok. i said "thank You" to Him instead. He didn't hide my keys. He didn't make things go bump. i did feel Him when i went to bed on Sunday morning. i did feel His hand on my face. To me, that was Him saying it was ok. Maybe going out and meeting people is not such a bad idea for me anymore. i know i am not ready for a long term thing. i can't make that big of a move. i am good with what happened on the weekend. i am also good with trying to get out more.

i am still good.