We have been doing "back to school" stuff lately. We have all the supplies. We have gotten the MIT's hair cut and coloured again (this year he is a redhead with an army cut). We have gotten His teeth checked (2 cavities). Today is a doctor's visit. All the stuff for Him to be ready to return to school. i am so excited.
Soon i will be able to catch a sleep after He leaves for school. Soon i will not have to take Him to get groceries or anything, i can do it while He is at school. It is a freeing time of year. Yes i am still on call. Yes i still have to worry about Him getting hurt or having really bad days, but it is freeing.
i have been thinking very hard about L lately. God i miss Her. i can't make the first move though. i can't contact Her before She, if ever, contacts me. See, in my eyes, She pulled from me. She took me off Her friends lists (FB and FL). She stopped accepting emails from me. She couldn't even bring Herself to drop off my stuff to me. God that hurt. i still remember Her words in our final email to each other. The words hurt so much. So, no. i can't contact Her.
If She contacted me? Wow, i would be elated. i would answer Her in a moment. i would respond, and i would go see Her and wrap my arms around Her and tell Her it would be alright, and i would tell Her how proud i am of Her. i would offer Her what ever i had to give. myself, my service, my shoulder, my talents. i am already doing some of it. i am watching. i wonder if She is watching me?
P has been around a lot lately. i appreciate the attention. i know part of it is to bring me back out and around. i have been hiding this summer. Heck, i have been hiding from everyone, even M from the neighbourhood. She is still in the thralls of her relationship. She only calls or comes over when she wants something. i don't need that. i have only enough energy to give, and she is not someone i really want to give it to.
i feel like i am babbling. Like i am not staying on any topic. i had better go and settle my thoughts and myself a little. i have been really unsettled lately.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Saturday, August 22, 2009
A Bad Week, but that isn't on my mind.
For as bad as my week was, i have anything but on my mind. Tonight i just want to be.
i want to be on my knees at some One's feet.
i want to feel some One's nails combing threw my hair.
i want to lean my head on some One's leg and feel the warmth of their skin.
i want to hear a whisper in my ear.
i want to be told i am beautiful.
i want to feel skin against my skin.
i want to please some One just by my actions and anticipation.
i want to be massaging some One's feet.
i just want to be with some One that knows who i am and what i can do, and how special it is for me to give myself.
i want to be on my knees at some One's feet.
i want to feel some One's nails combing threw my hair.
i want to lean my head on some One's leg and feel the warmth of their skin.
i want to hear a whisper in my ear.
i want to be told i am beautiful.
i want to feel skin against my skin.
i want to please some One just by my actions and anticipation.
i want to be massaging some One's feet.
i just want to be with some One that knows who i am and what i can do, and how special it is for me to give myself.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Summer is almost finished. Plus some introspection.
With summer vacation coming to an end, i have to say that i finally got the MIT and Dad camping. Finally. We went from the 6-8 and had a great, quiet time. Well other than the Raccoons hunting and gathering from our site. LOL. i have already booked our weekend in September. It did help throw in my face how much the MIT has lost in a year. He couldn't get up to go to the "pee tree" by Himself. One of us had to have at least 2 hands on Him at all times, and that was with Him having both sides working. He nearly fell into the fire 6 times.
i can't wait for school to start. At least then i will be getting some sleep during the days. Until then, it is up all night and sleep when i get the chance. Tomorrow Sis is taking the MIT to a movie. i can sleep then.
So the therapist and i started the "borderline personality disorder" questionnaire, and wouldn't you know it, i might be bi-polar LOL. i get to ask friends and family if they have ever seen my "manic" and how i acted, and how i was, and if they have ever seen the large depression afterwards. Great, feedback i really don't want to hear about.
On the BDSM side of me. Still nothing. No desire for it. No desire to put myself out there. i know that side is still in me. When ever P comes for a visit i can drop right back into that mindset. i just try really hard not to. It makes me feel too alone afterwards, even after just asking for a smoke, or asking Him if He wants something to drink. The loneliness afterwards is so hard.
i know that if i ever did get involved like that with someone, it would have to be with someone just for me. At least for a little while. Just so i can get my bearings back again, and not have to go home feeling so alone again.
i am actually missing L a lot. i had felt such a connection with Her. i know She is going through a lot, and Her life isn't easy right now. i wish i could be a help to Her. i just don't know if She will ever be able to accept me for who i am, and if She will ever want me back in Her life. She did say some things that really hurt me. i know me though. i know i can forgive and forget. i just don't know if She can, or if She wants to. i still feel that connection to Her, even without speaking to Her in almost a year. i am just not going to make the first move on this. Not this time. i have gone back to Her too many times with my tail between my legs.
i can't wait for school to start. At least then i will be getting some sleep during the days. Until then, it is up all night and sleep when i get the chance. Tomorrow Sis is taking the MIT to a movie. i can sleep then.
So the therapist and i started the "borderline personality disorder" questionnaire, and wouldn't you know it, i might be bi-polar LOL. i get to ask friends and family if they have ever seen my "manic" and how i acted, and how i was, and if they have ever seen the large depression afterwards. Great, feedback i really don't want to hear about.
On the BDSM side of me. Still nothing. No desire for it. No desire to put myself out there. i know that side is still in me. When ever P comes for a visit i can drop right back into that mindset. i just try really hard not to. It makes me feel too alone afterwards, even after just asking for a smoke, or asking Him if He wants something to drink. The loneliness afterwards is so hard.
i know that if i ever did get involved like that with someone, it would have to be with someone just for me. At least for a little while. Just so i can get my bearings back again, and not have to go home feeling so alone again.
i am actually missing L a lot. i had felt such a connection with Her. i know She is going through a lot, and Her life isn't easy right now. i wish i could be a help to Her. i just don't know if She will ever be able to accept me for who i am, and if She will ever want me back in Her life. She did say some things that really hurt me. i know me though. i know i can forgive and forget. i just don't know if She can, or if She wants to. i still feel that connection to Her, even without speaking to Her in almost a year. i am just not going to make the first move on this. Not this time. i have gone back to Her too many times with my tail between my legs.
Sunday, August 02, 2009
After therapy.
So i had therapy on Friday. Only a few things were really said. One being said (and the most important one in my head) is that i am going to be tested for borderline personality disorder. Great. Like i don't feel crazy enough already.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Yawning and Tired
i have been up all night again. It happens every night the MIT is home. This night was bad. Lots of stopping breathing. Lots of low heart rates. i had to do AR on Him. That is two nights in a row. Nights suck.
i have been wearing my "dress" cuffs almost daily. i am getting that urge again. That one to find someone. The urge and need to feel connected to someone physically and mentally, and even sexually. It doesn't happen often. i have a "fantasy Master" right now. When i do get to sleep, my brain goes to him. He is a real person. He isn't anyone i know. He is just the figure head in my dreams.
The fantasies always pertain to service and objectification. Being a table for him to eat off of. Being an ashtray holder in the corner. Making sure i have taken care of my personal hygiene and stuff before making him breakfast and serving it to him. No sex. Little pain. All about service and being an object. Even being at his beck and call feels like being an object in my dreams. Then again, in my dreams i can kneel for hours on end without my feet falling asleep or my knees hurting me. Fantasies and dreams are good that way.
i guess i am feeling like the pain is secondary to the service. Then again, i have often felt that way.
i have been wearing my "dress" cuffs almost daily. i am getting that urge again. That one to find someone. The urge and need to feel connected to someone physically and mentally, and even sexually. It doesn't happen often. i have a "fantasy Master" right now. When i do get to sleep, my brain goes to him. He is a real person. He isn't anyone i know. He is just the figure head in my dreams.
The fantasies always pertain to service and objectification. Being a table for him to eat off of. Being an ashtray holder in the corner. Making sure i have taken care of my personal hygiene and stuff before making him breakfast and serving it to him. No sex. Little pain. All about service and being an object. Even being at his beck and call feels like being an object in my dreams. Then again, in my dreams i can kneel for hours on end without my feet falling asleep or my knees hurting me. Fantasies and dreams are good that way.
i guess i am feeling like the pain is secondary to the service. Then again, i have often felt that way.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Today
Today i am going to sleep. i am going to get as much sleep as possible.
Today i am going to cook Beef in Red Wine Sauce with egg noodles, plus ceasar salad.
Today i am going to remain calm and relaxed.
Today i am going to finish reading a book.
Today i am going to enjoy the MIT going to my parent's house.
Today i am going to pick a time to go camping with the MIT and my Dad.
Today i have a bit of a plan.
Today i will try to stick to it.
Today i am going to cook Beef in Red Wine Sauce with egg noodles, plus ceasar salad.
Today i am going to remain calm and relaxed.
Today i am going to finish reading a book.
Today i am going to enjoy the MIT going to my parent's house.
Today i am going to pick a time to go camping with the MIT and my Dad.
Today i have a bit of a plan.
Today i will try to stick to it.
So much to say?
There is so much to say right now. i am going to try to keep on topic in each paragraph, but i can't promise that is going to happen.
The MIT is deteriorating still. He is loosing milestones still. His balance is way off. He falls more. He gets hurt more often. He hardly has good days. Most days He only has one side that works. At least 2 days a week are full blown and hard. He knows His body is against Him. It is hard watching Him be so aware that He is doing worse physically. He gets so frustrated. i can totally understand why. Going outside or even going to get groceries is taxing on His body. He would much rather sit on the couch, loose sides and be comfortable. At least that way He knows He is safe from getting hurt. It is sad watching my active and karate kid not want to do anything. At least we still do cuddles and have started paper ball fights. That brings smiles to His face.
People i called friends, have been having a difficult time of things lately. i feel sorry for them. i feel their grief. i feel their torment. i had wished they would be a couple that would make it. It doesn't look like that would happen. Yes i have been keeping tabs on them. They were such a big part of my life for a long time. i no longer hold hard feelings for them. i actually miss Her. i wish she would let me back in Her life. i will not push it. It is up to Her. i always loved to serve Her. To be in Her presence. She brought out a side of me that i have lost. Maybe out paths will cross again. Maybe they won't. Whatever happens in the future, i hope She knows that i am here for Her. When She is ready.
Now on to me. i am a still a screwed-up, depressed version of me, but that side has always been there. i go to therapy every 1-2 weeks. i am on plenty of medications to treat the depression and anxiety. i talk of my feelings openly to my therapist. i don't hide how i feel with her anymore. i don't deflect as much. i know she can't fix that part of me. Heck, i can't fix that part of me. All i or she can do is help me manage it. She can help me express my feelings over the MIT and the changes He is going through. She lets me bounce ideas off her. She lets me come to decisions on my own.
i have found myself much calmer since making a major decision.
i am no longer looking for the elusive Dom/Domme/Master/Mistress that likes someone that is experienced, knows her limits and is happy to explore them with someone she knows. i am no longer on any of the "searching" sites. No profile on Collarme, Bondage, or Alt. There isn't any point. All the Tops that are searching seem to be looking for someone that is new and young and skinny. It isn't me. i am experienced. i am confident in my abilities. i am not into plain kinky sex. i need more than that. i need someone that would be comfortable in the "dating before playing" to get to know someone. i need someone that is confident in their selves enough to know that an older woman is still a precious commodity. i need someone that understands i may be a little broken, but am putting the pieces together myself. So i came to the decision that i don't need it. i don't need the constant looking. i don't need the "kneel now" emails. i don't need the people looking for kinky sex. i don't need to look. i am comfortable in just being. i have gone so far as to put all the toys away. They are in Mike's old suitcase. They are available, but not in use. They are away, along with that side of me that craves the pain and submission. It wasn't an easy decision, but one that has brought me peace.
With this transformation, i have acquired 2 things on my body. A cutting of Mike's initials, and a tattoo. The cutting is a reminder that His influence on me will never leave. It is a sign of how much of who i am now, is because of Him. It is also a symbol of that piece of me that is still missing. The tattoo is another reminder. It is of a locket, like the one Mike gave me as my daily collar, with His leather collar around the bottom, and our favourite whip (Raven's Kiss) trailing behind. It is beautiful. It is a symbol of who i was, who i am, and who i can be again.
In a way, i feel like i have awaken. i have found a comfortable spot in the universe for me. Sure it isn't where i pictured i would be in 2009, but it is where i am. i am Mom. i am not slave, submissive, or someone's. i am me.
The MIT is deteriorating still. He is loosing milestones still. His balance is way off. He falls more. He gets hurt more often. He hardly has good days. Most days He only has one side that works. At least 2 days a week are full blown and hard. He knows His body is against Him. It is hard watching Him be so aware that He is doing worse physically. He gets so frustrated. i can totally understand why. Going outside or even going to get groceries is taxing on His body. He would much rather sit on the couch, loose sides and be comfortable. At least that way He knows He is safe from getting hurt. It is sad watching my active and karate kid not want to do anything. At least we still do cuddles and have started paper ball fights. That brings smiles to His face.
People i called friends, have been having a difficult time of things lately. i feel sorry for them. i feel their grief. i feel their torment. i had wished they would be a couple that would make it. It doesn't look like that would happen. Yes i have been keeping tabs on them. They were such a big part of my life for a long time. i no longer hold hard feelings for them. i actually miss Her. i wish she would let me back in Her life. i will not push it. It is up to Her. i always loved to serve Her. To be in Her presence. She brought out a side of me that i have lost. Maybe out paths will cross again. Maybe they won't. Whatever happens in the future, i hope She knows that i am here for Her. When She is ready.
Now on to me. i am a still a screwed-up, depressed version of me, but that side has always been there. i go to therapy every 1-2 weeks. i am on plenty of medications to treat the depression and anxiety. i talk of my feelings openly to my therapist. i don't hide how i feel with her anymore. i don't deflect as much. i know she can't fix that part of me. Heck, i can't fix that part of me. All i or she can do is help me manage it. She can help me express my feelings over the MIT and the changes He is going through. She lets me bounce ideas off her. She lets me come to decisions on my own.
i have found myself much calmer since making a major decision.
i am no longer looking for the elusive Dom/Domme/Master/Mistress that likes someone that is experienced, knows her limits and is happy to explore them with someone she knows. i am no longer on any of the "searching" sites. No profile on Collarme, Bondage, or Alt. There isn't any point. All the Tops that are searching seem to be looking for someone that is new and young and skinny. It isn't me. i am experienced. i am confident in my abilities. i am not into plain kinky sex. i need more than that. i need someone that would be comfortable in the "dating before playing" to get to know someone. i need someone that is confident in their selves enough to know that an older woman is still a precious commodity. i need someone that understands i may be a little broken, but am putting the pieces together myself. So i came to the decision that i don't need it. i don't need the constant looking. i don't need the "kneel now" emails. i don't need the people looking for kinky sex. i don't need to look. i am comfortable in just being. i have gone so far as to put all the toys away. They are in Mike's old suitcase. They are available, but not in use. They are away, along with that side of me that craves the pain and submission. It wasn't an easy decision, but one that has brought me peace.
With this transformation, i have acquired 2 things on my body. A cutting of Mike's initials, and a tattoo. The cutting is a reminder that His influence on me will never leave. It is a sign of how much of who i am now, is because of Him. It is also a symbol of that piece of me that is still missing. The tattoo is another reminder. It is of a locket, like the one Mike gave me as my daily collar, with His leather collar around the bottom, and our favourite whip (Raven's Kiss) trailing behind. It is beautiful. It is a symbol of who i was, who i am, and who i can be again.
In a way, i feel like i have awaken. i have found a comfortable spot in the universe for me. Sure it isn't where i pictured i would be in 2009, but it is where i am. i am Mom. i am not slave, submissive, or someone's. i am me.
Oh, here is a pic of my tattoo the day it was done.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Back for a bit
i know i have been away for a while. i am still here. i am just lost right now. Lost in thought. Lost in responsibility. Lost in my own head. i have no map to help me find my way out. i am doing it the hard way. A therapy session at a time. Talking about how i feel. Contemplating my future. Watching my son. If there is a way out of this maze, i will find it. i just don't know when, or how.
Friday, May 08, 2009
That time of year again
i know. i haven't been here in a while. It is that time of year again. The time in the year that i reflect on where i am (my birthday past and i am almost 40, and can't say i am happy with my station in life), how the MIT is doing (His health is getting worse, and He is loosing more weight, and is getting sick more often. Plus He is getting older), and what has happened in the past.
Right this moment, and since the middle of March, i keep "living" in different years. 2005, 2006, and 2007. Each day i know what happened that long ago. i loose what day of the week it is, depending on the year i am "living" in. It feels like i am going crazy. Luckily i am seeing my therapist today (it is 4:30 am right now).
i have been hiding from friends. i have made a few new friends. That old childhood song about old friends and new friends and silver and gold rings true for me. Yes i am hiding from my old friends, but it is because i am having enough trouble living in the now, without sharing memories with them. The new friends, well, it is easy to forget, for a little while, how many years it has been and how sad and emotional i am right now. They are a great escape.
i did my cutting finally. The one of Mike's initials. The mark i have been needing and wanting for so long. The mark we used to talk about when He was alive. It is on my left breast, in an area He had already marked with a knife. i just finished it off. i am going to maintain it. Keep it fresh and clear. i need it. It felt so right when i did it. Doing it, calmed me in a way regular cutting hasn't. Even now, a week after i did it, i still run my fingers over it, and know who i belong to.
i took down my profiles from collarme, and alt. i don't need them any more. i also put most of the S/m toys away. Again, i don't need them any more. i guess you could say i have decided to bury that side of myself. i have to. No one will be able to live up to Mike's legacy right now. i don't even want someone in my life right now. Sure sex would be nice, but i have toys for that.
Oh yeah. i cut my arm Wednesday. i now have 5 stitches holding together a 2 1/2" gash on my right forearm. It is ugly, but healing nicely. Stitches can come out in 10-15 days. Until then, i wear saran wrap in the shower.
Overall, life has been sucky. But, i am still here. Still kicking. Still lingering. Still hanging on.
Right this moment, and since the middle of March, i keep "living" in different years. 2005, 2006, and 2007. Each day i know what happened that long ago. i loose what day of the week it is, depending on the year i am "living" in. It feels like i am going crazy. Luckily i am seeing my therapist today (it is 4:30 am right now).
i have been hiding from friends. i have made a few new friends. That old childhood song about old friends and new friends and silver and gold rings true for me. Yes i am hiding from my old friends, but it is because i am having enough trouble living in the now, without sharing memories with them. The new friends, well, it is easy to forget, for a little while, how many years it has been and how sad and emotional i am right now. They are a great escape.
i did my cutting finally. The one of Mike's initials. The mark i have been needing and wanting for so long. The mark we used to talk about when He was alive. It is on my left breast, in an area He had already marked with a knife. i just finished it off. i am going to maintain it. Keep it fresh and clear. i need it. It felt so right when i did it. Doing it, calmed me in a way regular cutting hasn't. Even now, a week after i did it, i still run my fingers over it, and know who i belong to.
i took down my profiles from collarme, and alt. i don't need them any more. i also put most of the S/m toys away. Again, i don't need them any more. i guess you could say i have decided to bury that side of myself. i have to. No one will be able to live up to Mike's legacy right now. i don't even want someone in my life right now. Sure sex would be nice, but i have toys for that.
Oh yeah. i cut my arm Wednesday. i now have 5 stitches holding together a 2 1/2" gash on my right forearm. It is ugly, but healing nicely. Stitches can come out in 10-15 days. Until then, i wear saran wrap in the shower.
Overall, life has been sucky. But, i am still here. Still kicking. Still lingering. Still hanging on.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Proud Mommy!!!!!!
He did it. He earned His brown belt. my son. my wonderful, temper mental, teenage son. i am so proud of Him. Next is brown stripe, red, red stripe and finally black. He was so proud of Himself, He allowed my Dad to take a picture of Him wearing it. i will post said picture once i get a copy of it.
i am just so proud.
i am just so proud.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Birthday weekend
Today is my full day off. i slept in (waking at 9:30). i have breakfast without anyone bothering me. i made and had a good, healthy lunch. i have done the dishes. i have finished knitting another ball of wool into my afghan. i am relaxing the only ways i know how.
The MIT will be here soon. i will help Him get changed into His uniform. i will send Him off to do His best and hope He is able to earn His brown belt. i am very proud of Him.
Today is also L's birthday. Part of me wants to send her a card, and wish her good wishes. i wanted to do the same on D's birthday. i just can't bring myself to do it. A friendship with them is not something i want to pursue, but they are still important in the MIT's mind. He knows it is her birthday. He asked if i was going to send her a card, just like when D's birthday came up. i can honestly say the hate is gone. The hurt is still raw. So no, i won't be sending a card to her today. Just like what happened on D's birthday. It is better that way. i know i am not someone they want to hear from, and i am still to hurt by what happened to put it all behind me.
Today is a just me day. A day to do what i want, need and enjoy. (plus wish i had a smoke, but not going to go and get any or smoke any. Week 5 starts Wednesday)
The MIT will be here soon. i will help Him get changed into His uniform. i will send Him off to do His best and hope He is able to earn His brown belt. i am very proud of Him.
Today is also L's birthday. Part of me wants to send her a card, and wish her good wishes. i wanted to do the same on D's birthday. i just can't bring myself to do it. A friendship with them is not something i want to pursue, but they are still important in the MIT's mind. He knows it is her birthday. He asked if i was going to send her a card, just like when D's birthday came up. i can honestly say the hate is gone. The hurt is still raw. So no, i won't be sending a card to her today. Just like what happened on D's birthday. It is better that way. i know i am not someone they want to hear from, and i am still to hurt by what happened to put it all behind me.
Today is a just me day. A day to do what i want, need and enjoy. (plus wish i had a smoke, but not going to go and get any or smoke any. Week 5 starts Wednesday)
Saturday, March 07, 2009
And it keeps going
The spotting i mean. i went for my ultrasound and then the doctor's. Won't know the results until Monday or Tuesday. When i move or change position, i bleed again. i am getting frustrated. i want the pain and the bleeding to stop. i want to get "normal" again.
Still not smoking. It is amazing how my bank account is reflecting this. It is interesting not having to worry about running out of money for another week. i am really proud of myself. i am doing really well.
i am getting bored with the afghan. i want to make something more difficult. i want to make something to wear. i think. i will finish the afghan. i will finish it soon. i will be needing it when we go camping again. i am trying to convince everyone (meaning the MIT, and Dad) that we should go at the end of this month, or the middle of April for the first trip of this year. i also need to figure out when we have to book sites for the summer. i so want to go camping again. It will be different with not smoking. i will need stuff to do with my hands when the MIT and Dad are busy watching DVD's. i am glad i have more recipes in my arsenal now. It will make camping and meal eating more fun.
Etsy is still drawing my attention. Sometimes it inspires what i want to do next. Sometimes it makes me want to spend money. i have a list of favourite sellers and favourite items a mile long. And i keep going back. There are so many interesting "shops" there. i have favourite jewelery shops. i have favourite pottery shops. i even have favourite handmade purse shops. i don't really have favourite knitting shops, mainly because i can knit and like to knit, and if they are listed as one of my favourites, it is because i want to borrow their patterns or ideas.
Oh, big news. The MIT is going to be grading for His BROWN belt on the 14th. He is doing really well with it, and His teachers are being really positive and only making a few concessions for Him. He is even self advocating to do it. He knows when He can ask to test. He knows that He needs to work hard. i am really proud of Him. After brown, it is brown-stripe, red, red-stripe, black. His teachers are working really hard to get Him to black. They want it so bad for Him. i am proud of them all.
Ok, time to get ready to go out and get groceries with my Mom and Dad (still no driving allowed). Then home to make chili and store it, chicken noodle soup and store it, banana bread and store it, and apple crisp and store it. It is a keep busy day. i don't know what i am trying to hide from, but it is what baking and cooking help me do.
Still not smoking. It is amazing how my bank account is reflecting this. It is interesting not having to worry about running out of money for another week. i am really proud of myself. i am doing really well.
i am getting bored with the afghan. i want to make something more difficult. i want to make something to wear. i think. i will finish the afghan. i will finish it soon. i will be needing it when we go camping again. i am trying to convince everyone (meaning the MIT, and Dad) that we should go at the end of this month, or the middle of April for the first trip of this year. i also need to figure out when we have to book sites for the summer. i so want to go camping again. It will be different with not smoking. i will need stuff to do with my hands when the MIT and Dad are busy watching DVD's. i am glad i have more recipes in my arsenal now. It will make camping and meal eating more fun.
Etsy is still drawing my attention. Sometimes it inspires what i want to do next. Sometimes it makes me want to spend money. i have a list of favourite sellers and favourite items a mile long. And i keep going back. There are so many interesting "shops" there. i have favourite jewelery shops. i have favourite pottery shops. i even have favourite handmade purse shops. i don't really have favourite knitting shops, mainly because i can knit and like to knit, and if they are listed as one of my favourites, it is because i want to borrow their patterns or ideas.
Oh, big news. The MIT is going to be grading for His BROWN belt on the 14th. He is doing really well with it, and His teachers are being really positive and only making a few concessions for Him. He is even self advocating to do it. He knows when He can ask to test. He knows that He needs to work hard. i am really proud of Him. After brown, it is brown-stripe, red, red-stripe, black. His teachers are working really hard to get Him to black. They want it so bad for Him. i am proud of them all.
Ok, time to get ready to go out and get groceries with my Mom and Dad (still no driving allowed). Then home to make chili and store it, chicken noodle soup and store it, banana bread and store it, and apple crisp and store it. It is a keep busy day. i don't know what i am trying to hide from, but it is what baking and cooking help me do.
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
And then....
i did go to my therapist and told her how i was feeling about my last appointment with her. She totally understood. We talked about it, realized that it hit her personally and that she wasn't completely professional that day. i forgave her. i understand that for a woman (and she is younger than myself) the subject of giving up on having kids can be difficult. No big deal.
Best part was that i told her how i felt. i didn't let the idea that i wouldn't be pleasing and was probably not going to be getting her approval didn't stop me. i am getting better at that. Same thing with asking my Mom and Dad and Sis for help. i don't mind if they say no to me. It isn't a personal attack if they do that. It doesn't mean i am a bad person if i speak up. i still struggle with this, but i am watching myself get better with it.
Saturday was a difficult day. i pushed one of the MIT's OCD buttons, and He ended up getting physical with me. This included 2 kicks (and not passive ones, but deliberate ones) to my gut. Once i had gotten Him all calmed down, and sitting on the couch with my Sis, i went into my room, collapsed on my bed and i went into shock. i called the doctor on-call, and was told to take pain killers and if they worked, not to worry. Well, i started spotting Monday. i couldn't push out the pee from my full bladder without pain and more effort than should be required. i called the doctor yesterday. She is going to be sending me for an ultrasound. i am seeing her on Friday and we will be doing a urine test. On top of that, i have instructions to follow.
No driving
i can no longer pick up a laundry basket
i need to ask someone to put a 12 pack of pop in the fridge for me
i can not push the MIT in His wheelchair
If the spotting increases, i am to call and get an appointment to be seen
If i can not go pee again, i am to call and get an immediate appointment
Drink lots of water (tea is ok, but not so much diet pepsi. i drink tea slower than pop)
If it hurts, don't do it
At least i am still not smoking. Today started week 3. The staff at the diabetic clinic are proud of me. my therapist is proud of me. my Sis's groups is proud of me. The MIT's nurse is actually proud of me (she was sure i wouldn't and couldn't do it past a day or two). Heck, i am very proud of me.
Today i am fascinated by Etsy. It is an interesting site. i am enjoying looking at the "stores" of those in my province, and even in my city. It is cool. Some of the things i am seeing, i want. Other stuff is giving me ideas. The great news is i have been sitting here, and not craving a smoke. Go me!
Oh yeah...i gave up Chinese food for Lent
Best part was that i told her how i felt. i didn't let the idea that i wouldn't be pleasing and was probably not going to be getting her approval didn't stop me. i am getting better at that. Same thing with asking my Mom and Dad and Sis for help. i don't mind if they say no to me. It isn't a personal attack if they do that. It doesn't mean i am a bad person if i speak up. i still struggle with this, but i am watching myself get better with it.
Saturday was a difficult day. i pushed one of the MIT's OCD buttons, and He ended up getting physical with me. This included 2 kicks (and not passive ones, but deliberate ones) to my gut. Once i had gotten Him all calmed down, and sitting on the couch with my Sis, i went into my room, collapsed on my bed and i went into shock. i called the doctor on-call, and was told to take pain killers and if they worked, not to worry. Well, i started spotting Monday. i couldn't push out the pee from my full bladder without pain and more effort than should be required. i called the doctor yesterday. She is going to be sending me for an ultrasound. i am seeing her on Friday and we will be doing a urine test. On top of that, i have instructions to follow.
No driving
i can no longer pick up a laundry basket
i need to ask someone to put a 12 pack of pop in the fridge for me
i can not push the MIT in His wheelchair
If the spotting increases, i am to call and get an appointment to be seen
If i can not go pee again, i am to call and get an immediate appointment
Drink lots of water (tea is ok, but not so much diet pepsi. i drink tea slower than pop)
If it hurts, don't do it
At least i am still not smoking. Today started week 3. The staff at the diabetic clinic are proud of me. my therapist is proud of me. my Sis's groups is proud of me. The MIT's nurse is actually proud of me (she was sure i wouldn't and couldn't do it past a day or two). Heck, i am very proud of me.
Today i am fascinated by Etsy. It is an interesting site. i am enjoying looking at the "stores" of those in my province, and even in my city. It is cool. Some of the things i am seeing, i want. Other stuff is giving me ideas. The great news is i have been sitting here, and not craving a smoke. Go me!
Oh yeah...i gave up Chinese food for Lent
Friday, February 27, 2009
One week since
It has been one week since my surgery. It has been one week since i decided to quit smoking. So here is what has been happening.
Surgery - it went really well. The doctor was able to reach my fallopian tubes and clip them. i am now not able to get pregnant. i no longer have to worry about a little egg getting fertilized. Now, when i miss months of periods, i don't have the worry about possibly being pregnant (in those times i actually have sex). The hole in my belly button is healing slowly. The hole above my c-section scare is well passed healed. i have bruising on my belly that would scare some sadists (not any i know but you get the idea). The doctor had said she sends most people back to work a week after the surgery. When i reminded her that my "work" includes lifting a 150 lb teenage boy, she said i should take 3 weeks. Like that is possible. He (the MIT) decided that the surgery was going to make me sweeter and nicer and not so mean. He realized that wasn't the case when i sent Him to bed at 8:00 because of bad behaviour. i think i have to stop letting Him watch so many dog programs.
Stopping smoking - It has been over a week without a smoke. my sense of smell is heightened (i can even smell the meds on the patches i put on every morning). my sense of taste is better. The cold i had left with in days. i have been knitting. i am almost 1/2 way done. i am making a Quaker Stitch afghan. See :
It is an interesting stitch. i am really enjoying it. i knit when i feel like having a smoke or even if i am just bored and am thinking of eating for no reason.
Today is therapy day. Today i get to tell Sandy that i actually had the surgery. i don't know why her trying to talk me out of it, or just talking about not having it done bothered me so much, but it did, and still does. Like i didn't think it out all the way? Like i will regret it at the age of 45 and want to try to have another child? Like i have the energy to have another child? There are way to many other options if i ever felt that way. Everything from fostering to adoption. Yup, it is still bothering me.
Today, i am also looking at my bank account. i didn't have to put out $100 for smokes last week. i didn't have to put out $100 this week for smokes. It is weird, and i don't trust it yet. i don't trust that i will not need the money for something serious or for something "just because".
OK, time to head off to shower and get ready for Sandy.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Photos and memories
Today i have been putting old photos into photo albums. i started yesterday, and got quite frustrated. i would live the memories. i would think back to that time in my life. i would remember things and start to grieve again. It wasn't a very successful day.
Today, it has been more about just getting it done. i was able to put away years 99-02. Later i may go back and look at the photos and remember more. Later i may let myself get lost in the memories. i don't feel like doing that today.
i still have from 2002 until the last set my mom gave me. i need another album or two to complete that. Until then, i have the last 10 years of my son's life all put away.
Today, it has been more about just getting it done. i was able to put away years 99-02. Later i may go back and look at the photos and remember more. Later i may let myself get lost in the memories. i don't feel like doing that today.
i still have from 2002 until the last set my mom gave me. i need another album or two to complete that. Until then, i have the last 10 years of my son's life all put away.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Quit day coming
i am officially prepared for quit day. i only smoke in one spot in the house, and the rest of the time it is outside. i have my gift to myself in celebration to quiting. i have the surgery to help keep smoking off my mind. i will have pain on Thursday to help keep smoking off my mind.
The gift to myself is the wool and needles i have bought myself today. i have picked out my first knitting project, and i have everything i need for it. i am so excited, i want to start today, but i am not going to do that. It is my treat for quiting smoking on Wednesday. That is how i am picturing it. The good thing for giving up the yucky thing.
Other treats i will be giving myself at certain intervals are books, special ingredients for recipes, and what i am going to be doing in the summer (plants i want, building planting beds). i may even put some towards clothes.
Really, right now, the idea of saving money (over $1600 per year, plus gas) isn't part of my thoughts of quiting smoking. i know i will probably be spending a lot of that money on knitting projects. i know that some of it will go to more books on things like hedgewitch and incense blends. i know other parts of it will be going to my new joy in cooking.
One thing the "smoking" money will not be going to is food treats. There isn't any point. i don't want to gain weight while i am quiting. That wouldn't be a good thing. So treats are reserved to bettering myself, bettering my environment, and bettering my wardrobe.
So yes, i am actually looking forward to my quit day. i am looking forward to not needing to get up out of this chair, or any place i am sitting, just to have a stinky smoke.
The gift to myself is the wool and needles i have bought myself today. i have picked out my first knitting project, and i have everything i need for it. i am so excited, i want to start today, but i am not going to do that. It is my treat for quiting smoking on Wednesday. That is how i am picturing it. The good thing for giving up the yucky thing.
Other treats i will be giving myself at certain intervals are books, special ingredients for recipes, and what i am going to be doing in the summer (plants i want, building planting beds). i may even put some towards clothes.
Really, right now, the idea of saving money (over $1600 per year, plus gas) isn't part of my thoughts of quiting smoking. i know i will probably be spending a lot of that money on knitting projects. i know that some of it will go to more books on things like hedgewitch and incense blends. i know other parts of it will be going to my new joy in cooking.
One thing the "smoking" money will not be going to is food treats. There isn't any point. i don't want to gain weight while i am quiting. That wouldn't be a good thing. So treats are reserved to bettering myself, bettering my environment, and bettering my wardrobe.
So yes, i am actually looking forward to my quit day. i am looking forward to not needing to get up out of this chair, or any place i am sitting, just to have a stinky smoke.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Taking steps
i have started taking the steps to quitting smoking. i have removed the ashtray from near the computer. i have removed the ashtray from my room. i have 2 ashtrays out, and the rest put away. i am changing where i smoke, and when i smoke. All steps to making my quit day easier.
Other stuff. Hmmm. On the 4th i had the diabetic clinic, then doctors, then dentist. At the clinic, i told them about my quit date. i also told them about me cooking more and ordering in less. i was honest about not checking my blood sugars, about not taking my meds all the time, and about the amount of stress i was under. i told them about the antibiotics, and the strep. They were really happy. i mean really happy. They were proud of my choices. They were proud of my attempts. They understood about the stress. i walked out feeling pretty good about myself.
Off to the doctor's i went. We also talked about my stress level, how i was feeling, and what was going on in my life. We talked about the upcoming surgery, and what would happen if the gyno couldn't do the tubal. Another good appointment.
Off to the dentist. An emergency situation. Real pain i couldn't handle anymore. It was decided i would have a tooth removed. So, in goes the freezing and out comes the tooth. Ouch, Ouch, Ouch. The gauze kept catching on something. i found a "sliver" i could wiggle around. i went back to the dentist the next day. He couldn't see anything. That night, i did it myself. i found the sliver, took a pair of jewelry pliers and pulled out the sliver. Yes it was bloody, and yes it hurt, but i did it. Since then, the healing has been happening nicely.
Today i am home with a sick kid. Yes the MIT is sick again. Cough, sneezes of projectile mucus, and a fever. He was home also yesterday. These past two days have been filled with Smallville. i think my brain has turned to mush.
Today i also went out shopping with my Mom for my birthday presents. i had given her a detailed list, and she got what she could off it, but i wanted to pick out 2 things myself. my family doesn't care if i know what i am getting, they are just happy i am wanting to celebrate this year, and actually want stuff, and not just money.
Here is my list:
i don't know if i am avoiding anything, or if i am just feeling hyper. Heck i am not really feeling anything. i am worried about the surgery. i am worried about the MIT. i am worried about finances. i am worried about getting wool and patterns for after the 18th. i am worried about my teeth. i guess i am avoiding a few feelings right now. my big question is, how do i face them?
OK, time to go and spend more time with the MIT until the nurse gets here, and then off to read for a while.
Other stuff. Hmmm. On the 4th i had the diabetic clinic, then doctors, then dentist. At the clinic, i told them about my quit date. i also told them about me cooking more and ordering in less. i was honest about not checking my blood sugars, about not taking my meds all the time, and about the amount of stress i was under. i told them about the antibiotics, and the strep. They were really happy. i mean really happy. They were proud of my choices. They were proud of my attempts. They understood about the stress. i walked out feeling pretty good about myself.
Off to the doctor's i went. We also talked about my stress level, how i was feeling, and what was going on in my life. We talked about the upcoming surgery, and what would happen if the gyno couldn't do the tubal. Another good appointment.
Off to the dentist. An emergency situation. Real pain i couldn't handle anymore. It was decided i would have a tooth removed. So, in goes the freezing and out comes the tooth. Ouch, Ouch, Ouch. The gauze kept catching on something. i found a "sliver" i could wiggle around. i went back to the dentist the next day. He couldn't see anything. That night, i did it myself. i found the sliver, took a pair of jewelry pliers and pulled out the sliver. Yes it was bloody, and yes it hurt, but i did it. Since then, the healing has been happening nicely.
Today i am home with a sick kid. Yes the MIT is sick again. Cough, sneezes of projectile mucus, and a fever. He was home also yesterday. These past two days have been filled with Smallville. i think my brain has turned to mush.
Today i also went out shopping with my Mom for my birthday presents. i had given her a detailed list, and she got what she could off it, but i wanted to pick out 2 things myself. my family doesn't care if i know what i am getting, they are just happy i am wanting to celebrate this year, and actually want stuff, and not just money.
Here is my list:
- enamel coated cast iron dutch oven - gotten
- cutting board - gotten
- wire shelves (for the bathroom) - gotten
- cutlery tray
- 2 mortar and pestles - gotten (1)
i don't know if i am avoiding anything, or if i am just feeling hyper. Heck i am not really feeling anything. i am worried about the surgery. i am worried about the MIT. i am worried about finances. i am worried about getting wool and patterns for after the 18th. i am worried about my teeth. i guess i am avoiding a few feelings right now. my big question is, how do i face them?
OK, time to go and spend more time with the MIT until the nurse gets here, and then off to read for a while.
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Quiting and Tubes
So, today i set a quit date. i picked the 25th of Feb. i then talked to my Dad and he suggested i join one of the many "free" quit smoking thingies. So i called. Suffice it to say, i am getting free patches, but my quit date is now the 18th of Feb. It doesn't scare me. i am not as enjoyed about smoking as i used to be. i am ready to quit.
i also got a call at 2:30. my gyno had a cancellation, so i am having my tubal ligation on the 18th of Feb. i have an appointment with her on the 12th, along with pre-op. Then on the 18th, i get to go to to the hospital on the 18th at 12:00, and then surgery at 2:30. It isn't a positive that it will work. See i am fat. The doctor isn't sure the instruments will be able to reach threw my fat and actually get to my tubes. So, i go in for surgery, but there is no guarantee that it will actually happen. At least the prospect is there.
So, i am now off to buy some smokes, then head over to P&E's with Beef and Barley soup.
i also got a call at 2:30. my gyno had a cancellation, so i am having my tubal ligation on the 18th of Feb. i have an appointment with her on the 12th, along with pre-op. Then on the 18th, i get to go to to the hospital on the 18th at 12:00, and then surgery at 2:30. It isn't a positive that it will work. See i am fat. The doctor isn't sure the instruments will be able to reach threw my fat and actually get to my tubes. So, i go in for surgery, but there is no guarantee that it will actually happen. At least the prospect is there.
So, i am now off to buy some smokes, then head over to P&E's with Beef and Barley soup.
Looking forward
Imbolc Altar Yesterday was Imbolc. i celebrated in my own unique style. i didn't start until after noon. i gathered white candles, and instead of having them in a circle on my altar, i put them all over the house. Sort of using my house as the altar. Sure i had the lt. green Goddes candle, and the lt. yellow God candle, the cauldron, the "right" crystals, the white flowers, and vanilla and cinnamon incense. i even had the "bon fire" set up in my bbq. i even served chicken with new herbed potatoes, and served pound cake with custard. (i don't have any pictures of the meal or fire. The MIT wouldn't let me take any)
Now, i look at Imbolc as the day for making resolutions and making wishes, instead of the "traditional" New Years. So here is what i am looking forward to doing as i look forward to the rest of the year.
- Getting a bird feeder, and keeping it filled year round. (i need to pick a great place, so my patio doesn't get all poopy, but so i can see the birds, especially during the winter, from my window.)
- Asking for more kitchen supplies to further my cooking crusade. (my birthday wish list shows just that)
- Promising myself to watch how my body feels when i eat properly, and laying off the ordering in (cheaper in the long run), and the eating of heavy or junk food snacks. (Yes i feel different when i do not eat the junk food or order in as much. i actually feel, normal.)
- Picking a quit date, and following through. (i know i need to quit smoking, and i am not enjoying it as much as i used to. It is a good time to do it, especially since i have friends doing the same thing. i will be consulting my doctor about this.)
- Knitting again. Blankets, pillows, scarves, hats, and even socks. (Knitting has helped me keep my hands busy when i have quit in the past. It is time to get back on it.)
- Not go looking for the love of a lover. (i have lots of love in my life. Sure a companion would be nice, but i am not going to settle for just anyone. i am not ready to go looking, and i am not ready to have a "special someone" in my life just yet.)
- Keep each Sabbath in my own way, honouring how i feel, and letting the MIT experience the two different "styles" of faith. (The MIT is Anglican)
i am picking Ash Wednesday, as my quit day. It holds significance to my son's faith, and seems like a good time to start. It will also allow me time to move away from such habits as smoking while on the computer, and changing where i smoke. This will give me a head start on quiting. This is something important to me. i have been holding on to this addiction for far too long.
So here is to the nurturing of promises, wishes, and fresh starts.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Numb
It has been a week since i posted. A week since the funeral. Two weeks since her death. i still think about her every day. my heart skips a beat when i drive past the hospice. i keep thinking i should be in there with her. We should be scooting outside for a smoke, watching TV or talking about the staff. i am a friend. E must have it worse.
On Thursday E's daughter took me to the movies for her birthday. We saw Twilight. It was ok. What was better was the fact that she asked me. E didn't want to see it before she read the book, and i have already read it, and she thought of me. She even invited me to her birthday dinner on the Friday night. i wasn't able to go to that. Between therapy and tooth pain, i just didn't have the stamina.
Therapy was me feeling numb and not wanting to feel anything but that. The session was all factually. No feelings were discussed. Sandy said i needed that to breath. A chance to breath from the pain and loss and feeling. i can't feel numb right now. Every time one of the flowers withers, i cry. i save it and i cry at its loss. i cry as it represents to me, another part of her going away. The MIT has been home all week. It is exam time and He is home. We have been watching Smallville most of the week. He doesn't like to see me cry, so i have been hiding those feelings from Him.
Now for the tooth. i have been having tooth pain for a few weeks. It went away when i was on the antibiotics for strep. It came back. It got so bad, i actually stood at the door of the dentist Monday morning before they opened. i ended up coming home after a root canal. Can you say ouch? The only pain killer i am on is ibuprofen. Like that is a big help. On top of that, i have strep again, so i am on antibiotics for both the tooth thing and the throat.
i am really starting to hate January. Almost as much as i hate May.
On Thursday E's daughter took me to the movies for her birthday. We saw Twilight. It was ok. What was better was the fact that she asked me. E didn't want to see it before she read the book, and i have already read it, and she thought of me. She even invited me to her birthday dinner on the Friday night. i wasn't able to go to that. Between therapy and tooth pain, i just didn't have the stamina.
Therapy was me feeling numb and not wanting to feel anything but that. The session was all factually. No feelings were discussed. Sandy said i needed that to breath. A chance to breath from the pain and loss and feeling. i can't feel numb right now. Every time one of the flowers withers, i cry. i save it and i cry at its loss. i cry as it represents to me, another part of her going away. The MIT has been home all week. It is exam time and He is home. We have been watching Smallville most of the week. He doesn't like to see me cry, so i have been hiding those feelings from Him.
Now for the tooth. i have been having tooth pain for a few weeks. It went away when i was on the antibiotics for strep. It came back. It got so bad, i actually stood at the door of the dentist Monday morning before they opened. i ended up coming home after a root canal. Can you say ouch? The only pain killer i am on is ibuprofen. Like that is a big help. On top of that, i have strep again, so i am on antibiotics for both the tooth thing and the throat.
i am really starting to hate January. Almost as much as i hate May.