Decissions and letting go

When i was in the hospital, one of the things i had to learn, was how to let go of things i had no control over. The MIT having His abuser attend His church. People i couldn't fix. My friends father's illness. i am still learning that lesson.

i need to get guardianship over my son. If i was to do it, He would end up with a public guardian. Someone who doesn't know Him and someone i don't know. My parents made the decision that we are going to get a lawyer involved, so He won't get a public guardian. So now, instead of looking over paperwork, filling out forms, stressing over what will happen next, i can just sit back, do as i am told and let it go from there. Some might say i am avoiding the responsibility of doing all the work, but i am not. i still stress over not getting the guardianship in time for a medical emergency. i still stress over the cost of the lawyer. i have learned to let go of things i have no control over. Mom and Dad offering to pay for the lawyer, just means i can let go of stressing over the other things. It is good.

i have decided to go to the "Intensive DBT" training. This means i loose my therapist Sandy. i have been seeing Sandy for almost 4 years. i started seeing her 4 months after Mike died. She and i work well together. Yes i will get a new therapist, but they won't know me. They won't know all the old shit i still have to deal with. They will be concentrating over the new shit and what is called "maladaptive behaviour". What i do when the bad shit rears its ugly head and how i "cope". i only made the decision after making sure i could go back to Sandy once the year is over, and i don't loose her while i am on the waiting list. We decided together, but i made the final call. So yes, i am loosing a great resource and support, but am going to be gaining techniques to deal with everyday stuff.

i have been walking almost every day. Last night i even just did laps around my survey because the MIT was alone in the house and i had to stay close by. It helps stop my over eating. It makes me feel good. It is helping my stomach shrink. i just have to remember to do it, no matter how i really feel at the moment i am supposed to be doing it. Also, i have a plan for each day of what i need to get done, and when to do it. Mornings are for cleaning or shopping or both, and afternoons are for the walk. An extra walk when i am find myself bored or have the munchies is also added to the schedule. Oh, and i also have allotted time to just sit with a cup of tea (i got my order from Steeped Teas) and read a book. It helps keep my mind busy and gives me an excuse to walk to the library every day.

So that is my update. i have made some good decisions, and have learned that letting go can be less stressful, but not stressless. Go ME!!!

Bumps in the road

i have found that sitting at the computer, is not an activity that helps me avoid "maladaptive" behaviour. It actually creates a way i eat more. my blood sugars are back up to the 20's. In less than a week, i am back to where i was in December. Not body wise, but at least eating wise. This has got to changed.

i liked how i felt with normal blood sugars. i liked not being tired all the time. i liked being able to just sit. i am not like that anymore. i am back to where i was before, and i don't like it.

Time to try other activities.

Nerves

i am nervous about going to see Sandy (welcome to A - activity in Accepts). i don't know what to say to her. Heck, i have even changed my outfit twice, with a third on the way (well, maybe not). At least i have had lunch.

One big bonus about being in the hospital was managing my diabetes and loosing weight. i am wearing a shirt i wouldn't dare wear last summer because i felt it was too tight in the stomach area. Now, not even close. Plus my jeans have no muffin top going on. i won't know my actual weight until Tuesday (when i see the doctor) but i know i am less than i was before going to the hospital. Even my boobs have shrunk.

So, while i sit here waiting for my ride, here are the crisis intervention skills i have learned

A - Activity - writing in this journal or my paper journal, going for a walk, cleaning, making a cup of tea
C - Contribute - look for things to donate to others.
C - Compare - not one i am good at
E - opposite Emotions - listen to calming music, listen to a TV show that is not to stressful (something with puppies LOL)
P - Push away - tell people to go away for a while, focus on self, don't try to entertain
T - Time Out - count to 10, deep breath,
S - Sensations - cuddle something fuzzy and enjoy the sensation, taste something soothing, hold some ice, have a warm shower

These are all distractions, meant to take me to the next moment in time.

i think i will order some steeped tea and even make a cup of tea to take with me.

Awake and pondering

i have turned my feelings off again. i know i have. Things that have happened, that i should have an emotional reaction to, i just haven't. Instead, i just get rational.

In DBT, there is rational mind, emotional mind and wise mind. Rational mind is where the facts are. It is where the fact that the MIT bit me stays. It is where the fact that He asked for adivan stays. It is the fact where He has a week of 8 o'clock bedtimes stays.

Emotional mind is where your emotions dictate a response. i know i should feel some anger. i should feel some form of emotional hurt. i know i should feel something. Heck, i even know i have had an emotional reaction. i ate way to much and went to bed to forget it ever happened. i just don't feel any of it.

While in the hospital, i could touch on feeling like a bad mom, hatred towards Him, anger at His actions, and even fear for what He could do to me. Here, none of that happens.

Today is therapy day. i don't know how that will go. i don't know if Sandy will want to continue being my therapist. i don't know if she can help me feel. This i can feel about. This makes me scared, and has woken me so early in the day. This had me tossing and turning all night. This i can feel. Nothing pertaining to the MIT. Just this.

Oh yeah, i have made a decision. i am no longer hooking the MIT up to His monitor. i need the sleep. Instead, i go to bed thinking about what His death will be like, what i will have written in the news paper, what i will email to friends, and what the service will be like. Again, no feeling, just facts.

Why am i so broken?

Away and hiding (medically hiding)

So my symptoms made it impossible for me to take care of myself. The doctor finally got me to agree to go to the hospital. That is where i have been since Feb. 1st.

First was 2 weeks at the General. They ruled out stroke, MS, brain issues, and spinal inflammation. All good to know, because any of those would have meant not being able to get better. They determined it was something called "Conversion"

Conversion is when your body manifests emotional issues. Take for the example that i have been saying no to going into the hospital for my emotional issues for quite some time. my brain finally said "screw you, you have to go get help". So, off i go to St. Joe's for some intensive therapy.

i went in to St. Joe's without being able to walk, use my arm, feel anything on my left side, and not being able to see out of my left eye, or hear out of my left ear. Tomorrow i get discharged. i can now walk, hear, see, feel the keys beneath my fingers, feel pain, hot and cold, and act like a normal person. i also know i have certain things i need to work on.

i am taking something called DBT. Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. It is a new way of thinking about what to do during crisis, and then taking the time to feel the emotions later. They teach mindfulness, wise mind, and ways of handling situations without avoiding them. Of course this type of behaviour therapy counts a lot on lessening stresses. Things like getting more sleep is a big one. Taking the time to feel is also a big one for me.

So far so good though. Last weekend was full of panic. This weekend, i only got panicked going to get groceries. People asking me a lot of questions is also a stresses. So is to much noise. i have the techniques to deal with these as they happen. Playing my ipod while i shopped. Taking someone with me while i shopped. Deep breathing, counting to 10 while staring at cans of soup as if i was choosing one. All ways i was able to complete my shopping and not freak out totally.

While in hospital, i had a bonus reaction. my blood sugars are under control. i just have to not fall on old habits, like eating when i am stressed, and they will stay that way.

my biggest issue to deal with is something called Radical Acceptance. It is when you deal with the pain of the reality of a situation, so you don't "wallow" in it, and the suffering of it can go away. That brought up a lot of issues surrounding Mike, TJ, and the death of others i know and am close to.

i know i am not "fixed", but i have the tools to help.

Oh, and i met quite a few "interesting" people at St. Joe's. The staff were great. my favourite nurses were Barb, Pam, Danielle, George, Steve, and Alissandra, just to name a few. The food lady (some call the "Soup Nazi") Jane was wonderful. i actually made friends with one patient. Penny. She reminds me of E. She can listen, not pass judgement, and not try to fix me, just as i can listen to her in the same way. Paul was a blessing. Michael was interesting. Crystal who i hope gets better soon. Ester who needs to find her big voice. Catherine who went to a group home and i hope learns how to share the TV.

Then there are those i am glad to be away from. Cole (who can't learn how to shut up), Christy (who believes the cops are out to get her), Maurine (who makes up being sick at the drop of a hat...she even believed she had something called Tommy Hilfiger disease), and old lady Patricia (doesn't know how to shut up if her life depended on it).

Tomorrow i get discharged. i am scared. i am worried. i am excited. i am nervous. i am ready. i worry about taking back the burden of caring for my son, and experiencing feelings again.

After the Neurologist

i have had the week to sort of soak in what happened at the neurologist's on Monday. Sure the MIT's thing on Thursday messed up part of it, but i have absorbed enough to feel......on hold.

i didn't walk in to the appointment with any expectations but to have an assessment, and a game plan. i walked out with exactly that. i am to have a brain MRI and a spinal MRI, blood work (already done) and an EVP test followed by another appointment with him. i don't know when the MRI's are yet, but am going to be calling them to be put on the cancellation list. The sooner the better. The EVP test is on the 23rd of March (yes i said March), followed by seeing Dr. M again. So, i feel like i am on hold. Dr. M did say it could be an inflammation of the spinal column, but no for sure.

So, i am stuck. i can't drive, i can't feel my left side. my thinking is slow. my fingers don't work right. i have so many cant's, and don'ts i can't see the cans and dos. my Independence is gone. i have to count on others to drive me around for simple things like getting pop or any type of groceries. Appointments have to work around other people's schedules. i just can't get in my van and go for a drive to escape the city. i can't even go camping in my back yard, because i am unable to chop wood.

The worst part of it all, is how tired i get. i get the MIT ready for school, and do some dishes, and i need a sleep. Not a nap. A 4-5 hour sleep. i think the max i have been awake at a time has been Thursday, and that took sleeping for 16 hours of sleep as a recovery time. i don't know if it is the emotional tole to not being able to do what i need or the physical tole of doing what i need that is knocking me for a loop. i just know i am tired. Physically tired all the time.

i want an answer. i want a course of action. i want to know what to expect (oh yeah, and the doctor saying he doesn't think there will be much permanent damage didn't help). i want my damn life back.

What is going on

i know i haven't written here in a long time. i have been away from the computer. i have been ignoring it. i haven't had the energy or need to be here. i have had a lot of things going on.


The MIT is doing good, but not. His balance is way off. He had 6 days in a row of lost muscle tone and cluster seizures. He is better now. It all happened after Christmas, but before and during New Years. He is scheduled for a day video EEG on Thursday. Hopefully the EEG will show what kind of seizures He is having, if He is having any that day. At least the last 2 days He has walked off the bus. That is progress.

He is also maturing. He had an issue with a teacher on Monday, and He came home telling me to call His resource teacher. He knew something wasn't right about the situation, and He was correct. His resource teacher is wonderful and helped Him out the next day with active solutions to what He could do next time.

Monday is the anniversary of D's death. i don't know how i actually feel about that. i am going through the same sort of memories i hold about Mike's death. Remembering what happened this day last year. What i wish i could change about last year. The guilt of not going to see her on the 9th last year. i know for E it is more difficult. i know she is trying to not set herself up for feeling anything, and maybe ignoring the whole thing, but i also know how unrealistic that is. i will be there for her. If she needs me, she will call. i will call her this weekend and check in with her. Monday, i may be no use to her. i am going to be a little busy.

Now me. Around the 5th of Dec, part of my leg went numb. Shortly after that, part of my arm went numb. Later i stubbed my toe to the point of bleeding, and i didn't feel it. Now, most of my leg and vulva are numb. At Christmas i lost some hearing . Then i lost some sight. All on my left side. i have bouts of incontinence, and not just the liquid kind. All of this adds up to me getting to see a neurologist on Monday. i haven't looked up all this stuff on the internet. i have pushed it away during the "holidays". Now, it is full in my face. There are other things. Stuff i haven't told anyone until now.


Typing is hard. i can't feel the keys with all my fingers. Spelling is hard. Not just typos. Words i know how to spell, being spelled wrong, and nothing i can do about it, but go back and retype and spell it wrong again. It usually takes me 3-4 times to type the word write. Plus it happens when i am just plain writing on paper. It is hard for me to sometimes make the words look right.

Speaking is frustrating. i can hear myself pronounce words wrong, and using the wrong word. In my brain, it isn't wrong. i only really know it is wrong when i see the look on some one's face, or they ask me what i mean. Even the MIT is correcting me.

i can't drive. i have no peripheral vision on my right side. i am scared to drive. What if something else happens. (case in point, i cut my finger on my right hand and didn't feel it when it happened) i walk into walls when i turn a corner because i didn't see where i was in relationship to the wall.

i am scared. Very very scared. Monday i will have to explain everything that is going on with my body. Monday i will have to face a neurologist about me. Monday i am worried i will be told it is nothing. Monday i am worried i will be told it is something serious. Right now, there is no "in between" for me. i can only see the answers from the doctor being all or nothing.

i am just plain scared.

Here, but not here

i know i have been sounding kind of chipper lately, and i am, in a way. i am also not wanting to isolate myself. i am not wanting to hide under my rock. i am just not in the mood for certain things right now.

Sitting at the computer playing games just isn't in my blood right now. i just don't feel the pull to it. Sitting on the couch, and reading the paper, or sitting on my bed and colouring, those are things i want to do. Going for a drive and finding a nice place to walk around would be great.

Today my mind is on camping. It is Wednesday. i really want to go on Friday. i can't afford it though. It is very likely i won't be able to go. Instead i will just be home alone. No fire. No birds flying around me. No squirrels chasing each other around. No quiet skies full of stars. No sound of wood burning. No shivering as i sit around the fire. Damn i want to go really bad.

i haven't done my decorating yet. i fell more like sitting and doing nothing. Pouting about this weekend.

1st day of Dec.

Today i am going out with Sis to get some presents for people. She is my backup. She is the way i stay sane during this season. Part of the reason why i am doing the shopping now, is because i can't handle a lot of crowds.

Today is also the day i start to decorate the house. i still haven't pulled up the decorations, but i have the rest of the day to get it done. The bathroom is fun. The living room is a little stressful, but i have pictures from last year to help me remember where everything goes. Other than that, the kitchen is basic, as is the hallway. i want to hang lights outside, but i don't really know exactly what i want to do. i will have to think on it.

So i have a busy day today. Sis is going to be a good help.

The Season is Upon Us...

Well, starting tomorrow that is. Today is about paying bills and getting groceries, and figuring out when to get what gifts for each person on my list. Today is also about getting the "pre-tree" decorations up from the basement. Today is starting to write out holiday cards, and wait for the school to deliver the photos of the MIT. Tomorrow is when i start to decorate.

i decorate my desk, entertainment center, walls, kitchen, and even the bathroom. The only rooms i don't decorate are the bedrooms. There must always be a place for escape from the stress of the season.

i already have every one's gifts picked out. i just have to go and get them all. i know, i have to leave the house, and actually go into stores. Not my favourite activity, but one that must be done. Then hiding in my non-decorated room for a little.

This year, i am not baking. i refuse. i usually end up hurting myself if i bake. i don't want that to happen. Plus, i just don't need the added stress. i may decide later to bake a few cookies, but not likely.

This year is about being as less stressed. This year is about enjoying the (soon to come) snow. This year is about remembering last year and previous years. This year is about enjoying those i love and that love me.

Cancelled and concerns

i cancelled the tea party. i cancelled it yesterday because my friend E is now in the hospital. i cancelled because i didn't want E and P and L to worry about my silly party, when E is in such bad shape. Plus i didn't want to worry about some silly party when E is in such bad shape.

i have to say, it is about time she went in. The doctors seem to agree, because she is being kept there. i am going to go in and see her tomorrow. i know she won't be getting out for a bit. That is going to be a downer for her. i will take in the tea catalogue and we can decide if we really want to buy anything out of it. i will also be taking her some diet Pepsi, since MUMC doesn't carry it in the hospital. i know i can do just those little things to help her. i'll be doing this in the morning, since i have a date tomorrow afternoon.

Now with P, well, He is in fix-it mode. Add worry mode, and i think He is going a little crazy. Him, i don't know how to help, other than to listen when He needs to talk. That is what i will do. i am good at that.

i haven't heard from L. i left Her 3 messages yesterday, and have heard nothing back. i know P left Her a message as well. i am worried about Her. i don't like not hearing from Her. i always get self conscious if i don't hear from her, like i have done something wrong, and She doesn't feel She can talk to me about it. All i can do is wait until She calls.

my date tomorrow is with T. She and i are going to New Moon. Yes i am actually going to see that movie. Her and i made a commitment to go and see it, when we first say Twilight together. i have a feeling i will also be taking her to the next one in the series. At least i know that she and i will be laughing it up, finding all the faults with the movie and walking out of there shaking our heads. It will be fun.

So tonight, E is in my prayers, along with P, L, T, and C.

Patting

i have been hiding for the last week. i didn't go out. i didn't shower. i didn't do anything i didn't have to do. All i had to do was put on a happy face for the MIT when He was here. i made food when i could. i ordered in when i couldn't. i did what i had to do. i kept a face on when needed, and i took it off when i was alone.

Yesterday i started to peak out from under my rock. i logged on to Facebook and resumed my games. Today i showered, and got dressed, and did what i had to do. i wanted to stay hidden, but i had to do things. The MIT to MUMC for the morning. Taking Him to get His hair cut with my Mom. Getting pop for E. Paid back P for smokes. Got myself some groceries. All done.

Tomorrow i am allowing myself to hide. There isn't anything i have to do tomorrow. Allowing myself a set amount of time to tuck away from the world is good for me. That is why i go camping. i can't afford to camp right now, so hiding in the house works.

After tomorrow, things get busy again. Thursday is two appointments. Friday is one appointment. Saturday is my tea party.

Oh yeah, i am having a Steeped Tea, tea party, on Saturday. Steeped Tea (well one of their sellers) is coming to my house to serve taster teas, and to take orders of their specialities. i will be serving tea food. 2 types of cucumber sandwiches, smoked salmon sandwiches, and pineapple sandwiches. All with their crusts cut off. All fancy and stuff. Oh, and with any tea, there is also a dessert. Shortbread, cream puffs, and even scones ( i hope. i am going to try and get Devonshire cream, then i will get the scones). It will be fun.

So anyways, this is my pat on my back for pulling myself out from under my rock.

And again

i am so relaxed and rejuvenated. i am at peace. i am enjoying the quiet and the dark, in my own home.

Yes, again i took myself camping. i was there for two nights this time. Godds it was great. Birds fluttering over birdseed. Squirrels chasing each other over nuggets of biscuits. Even raccoons coming right up to me at 8pm, not scared of me at all (i was scared of those spooky guys though). Again, i did nothing. No reading. No colouring. No going for long walks. i did go for a short walk and collected pine cones, but that was it.

i talked to the animals. i talked to My Baby Bear. Most of all, i sat, listened, and enjoyed the fire and being alone.

i have found the thing to do when the MIT is at Rygiel and i have no other plans.

i have also figured out what i am getting everyone on my gift list this year. i haven't gone out and gotten any of the stuff, but at least i know what it is i am getting and what it will cost me. That is a big worry out of my life. Holidays can be so stressful. i also know my schedule (most of it) for December. i know when Tree Day, Trifle day, Yule, Christmas, Last Day of School, and appointments are. i also know when some birthdays are and have figured out what those people get. i even know when i might be going camping again.

Shopping will be a breeze this year. Knowing when and how i am going to relax is calming.

i am actually excited this year.

Camping photos:

Something for ME

i took myself camping this past Saturday. It was for one night, and i want to do it again. No MIT. No Dad. Just me. And, i want to do it for more than one night. i so want to do it this coming weekend.

i struggled a lot on Friday. i had wanted to go. i kept telling myself how easy it would be, and that yes it was time to go. i just couldn't muster up the desire enough to get myself moving. Saturday i still struggled. Yes i wanted to go, but i didn't want to move from the house. i didn't have the drive to go. With my Sis's help, i got moving, but even then, it wasn't like i had the gumption to actually leave and do it. It wasn't until i was actually driving there (well, even then i had second thoughts) that i got comfortable with the idea of leaving my house to do it.

i really am glad i went. i slept in the van. i had the propane stove for tea. i brought easy food (lunch meats and buns) so i didn't have a lot of dishes. i took wood (always take more than you think you will need, because you will always need more). i was all set. i didn't even read. i just sat in my chair, and stared at the fire. Oh, and i talked to my Baby Bear, so people stayed clear of me. LOL.

Sure there are things i forgot. There are even things i have thought of taking for next time. With camping there is always evolving. By changing the trip from one night to two, food concessions will have to be made. Maybe a better book to read, and some colouring supplies to be brought. Other than that, i think i have it pretty well planned out. i could even decide what a person is getting for Yule, and start working on it (knitting, crafty, whatever).

i want to do it this weekend. Yes it will be colder, but i have solutions to that. Burning a tea light inside the van to warm it up works great. Staying 2 nights would be my dream. A friend even gave me an idea about a tarp over the van and out and across as a "shelter" to stay out of any rain or such. The MIT is gone this weekend, so yeah, i want to do it this weekend. But...

i have a million responsibilities. Going to the movies with E. Getting the MIT ready and dropped off at Rygiel. L wants me and E to go walking downtown TO. i have a doctor's appointment this week, a therapy appointment this week, and the van gets an oil change this week. All on different days. All needing my time.

i am going to fit in as much as i can, but i am going to go camping this weekend. Rain or no rain. i need this type of me time. (then again a fire pit for my backyard would be cheaper in the long run)

Starting the year off

i am taking a page from L's book. i am starting to write in a Book of Shadows again. i am using the book the MIT gave Mike in 2003. Mike never used it. It is blank, except for the page that the MIT wrote on.

i have already written in the Wiccan Creed. Next i am writing in the Pagan Creed. i am going to write in this year's Samhain "rituals". i am going to make little notes and things as they happen.

i contacted H to see if He had made the BOS we had talked about back in April of last year. The one using the leather from M. He wasn't home, but i talked to J and found out a lot of interesting stuff.

This year's Samhain brought back memories i want to keep. It brought up thoughts of the future. i need to make a connection to both.

Thank You L for being an inspiration, and letting me see it isn't such a bad thing to get started again.

The slowly shrinking boy

The MIT is now back in a size he was 3 years ago. He doesn't care if He gets in trouble. He doesn't care what is on TV. He doesn't want to go to school. He doesn't care about having to go get groceries. He does what He is told with little argument. He isn't His feisty self.

November 1st

Samhain has come and gone. i actually had a really good time this year. Like last year, i was surrounded by friends and family. Unlike last year, D wasn't there. i know how much i miss her. i can't imagine how much E is missing her. Samhain is a time when you invite your ancestors to your table, and say goodbye to those who have gone before you. It is both a happy time, and a sad time.

The MIT has been getting more fragile. He is waisting away. He is giving up. All i could think about (other than missing D and finally being reunited with L and her girls) was that soon, sooner rather than later, the MIT's picture will be on the altar. We will be wishing Him a happy journey, and supposed to be comforted that He will be waiting for me. i got myself into so much of a funk last night, that i had to leave early.

i want to fix Him. i want to be able to put that will to be involved and happy into Him. i want to make life OK for Him. i know i can't, and that is killing me inside.

Time to go back to my room and hide again.

10th year

Dear Master,

Tomorrow is our 10th year anniversary. i can't believe it has been that long. i can't believe you have been gone for so long.

10 years ago, You came to my house and helped me clean out my basement. You fondled me on the ladder. You kissed me when my Mom wasn't looking. You moved stuff, and You put stuff together. You came back the next night and stayed. After that, we were almost inseparable. i fell in love with You very quickly. You said You did also. 3 1/2 years ago, You left. Yes You died. Still, You left. i miss You less and less. i think of You less and less. i still wish You were here, but it is getting easier.

i know i am going to miss You for a very long time. i know You will always be a part of my heart. i know that, as it gets easier, missing You doesn't stop.

Happy Anniversary Master. i love You.

Things that make me go hmmmmmm.

Last night, my Sis and her friend (calling her R) took me to a strip club in Niagara Falls. It isn't the first time they have taken me. It has been a very long time. This time i wasn't the DD (designated driver) so i was able to drink. Drinking is what i did.

i had 8 Bacardi Breezers (orange) and 7 shooters. 4 were Goldschlager. i have no idea what the other 3 were. i can tell you what it tasted like coming up at 5:30 am, but other than that, no idea. Man was i drunk. i could still walk a straight line. i could still talk ok. i just knew i was very drunk, my nose was numb, as were my legs.

i don't find the strippers very appealing. Some, sure. Most are young and don't know how to move. The older one caught my attention, but it was short lived. What did catch my eye, was two waiters. The one, much younger than myself, and short, and had a nice chest. He walked around shirtless, and let me take shooters from his belt. LOL. The other, was older. Cute in a different sort of way. Shirt on the entire time. Him i would have loved to take home.

Well, i found out that R was going to ask him for his number for me. So, to avert that little high school like situation, i told him what was going to happen, and told him it was ok to just give her a fake number. He surprised me. He wanted to know why he would do that, and that he would just give it to me himself. And, he did.

So here i sit. Sober. With a phone number to a waiter, whose name i didn't know until he wrote it on the paper with his number, and no idea when or if to call him.

ARRRRGGGG

Time to breathe

So, P is good. He is out of the hospital. Tests came back fine. Has follow-ups and stuff, but for now, all is good.

Dad is good. He saw the doctor today, and gave them blood. Blood pressure is much better. Has more follow-ups, but for now, all is good.

MIT is a teen. He hurt me the other day. Head-butted me badly. i still have a goose-egg on my forehead from it. 8pm bedtimes for 3 weeks.

Now for me. i want back. i am ready. i want pain. i want to serve. i want to submit. All good things to say, but not the way to say it. i am ready for pain. i am ready to serve. i am ready to submit. That is better. It doesn't matter what i want, just that i am ready for it again. Yes hanging out with P and K and L and E and B helped prompt it out of me again. That isn't a bad thing. It feels like home when i am like that with them.

So yes, i am ready. In safe places. With safe people. People i trust and know. People i love and who love me. Yes i know i will end up going home alone. Yes i may feel like an extra sometimes. It doesn't matter.

i am ready.

This weekend is Thanksgiving. Next weekend is the MIT to Rygiel (weekend off). The next weekend, after that, is camping with Dad, the MIT, and me. My ways to relax. Now, what kind of trouble can i get into this weekend??