Happy Early Morning

He is asleep in my bed. I am up because of heartburn. I am too happy to go to sleep. I am just plain happy.

I got a late anniversary gift on Friday. It is a ring. A simple silver band. Some might call it a wedding band, as that is its style. He says it is a "for right now" ring. For me, it is so much. For the two of us, it is a promise. Not of marriage. Not of moving in together. A promise to take one day at a time, and hope it turns into a lifetime.

He calls me BooBoo or Honey Boo or just plain Baby. I call him Shnookums or Nemo. I have never called someone by a pet name before. Well, not unless you call Sir or Master a pet name.

This weekend, we have gone to St. Jacobs and got smoked pork chops. We BBQ together. We played Crazy Eights. We played Rummy. We watched some golf. We sat outside on the back patio and talked and had dinner. We snuggled on the couch with no noise. We did dishes together. We had sex. Lots and lots of sex. We talked about how it isn't all about him, and how it isn't all about me. We talked about how it is about us. We talked silly. We talked serious. We sat in silence. He napped and I read. We have done a lot with very little.

Neither of us want him to leave tonight. That isn't a choice right now. Not until he meets the MIT. He isn't ready for that. He wants us to be very solid before that happens. I agree with him. The MIT is getting used to the idea. He isn't liking it to much, but he is getting used to it. He is getting used to the idea that I have someone in my life. He doesn't like it very much. He wants me all to himself, but is getting used to the idea that Mom has a boyfriend.

I am happy. I am in love. I feel safe around Joseph. I feel special with Joseph. He worries about me eating, so he cooks for me. He worries about my taking my meds, and will sometimes remind me. He worries I don't eat well when he isn't here. He smiles when he is here. He can't stay in a bad Toronto mood very long after he gets here. He can be so goofy at times. I love him.

So welcome to a new chapter in my travels. I have woken up, and am moving forward. I am enjoying this leg of my journey.

It has been a long time

It has been a very long time. Not really into updating everything since May, but here are a few things I want to record.

I am in a relationship with a man who is completely vanilla. Yes. Completely vanilla. His name is Joseph. We have been seeing each other for over a month. He lives in Toronto and I live here in Hamilton. He hasn't met the MIT yet, but that is going to happen really soon. As for now, he comes here on the weekend when the MIT is away.

I am happy. I am happy with him. I am sad on Sundays when he has to leave, but I get over it pretty quickly, because I know I will be seeing him again after a bunch of sleeps. That and he calls every day.

OK. That is really all I wanted to say today.

Hard Hitting

This weekend, the anniversary, has hit me hard. So hard I had a breakdown at therapy. Big breakdown.

I cried and cried. I can't understand how I could miss someone who actually treated me like an extra. Yes I have said He never treated me as such, but in reality, that is exactly how He treated me. He had His wife. He had His Mistress. He had others. I never said boo. I never said stop. I tried to understand. I excused His lying. I excused His bullshit. I excused everything, just so I could be with Him. How could I let someone treat me that way. As an extra. Not someone worthy of the truth, respect, and attention I actually deserved. What I deserve now.

Yesterday, I took down his pictures. I cleaned out his drawer. I kept some things, threw others away, and gave away a few. I want him out of my thoughts. Out of my memories. Out of my feelings. I know it is unrealistic. I know he will always be a part of me. 6 1/2 years is a long time to be with someone. For this weekend, I just want to not feel so bad. Too bad I can't control that.

Today is about not doing the "maladaptive" behaviour. No cutting. No over eating. No spending lots and lots of money. No drinking lots of alcohol. No sleeping the day away. It is about embracing my feelings of anger and sorrow. It is about being in the now (sometimes called mindfullness).

Today is going to be about beautifying my surroundings. "From sorrow springs growth." That is my mantra for today. I need to do it, without going out and spending a lot of money. I have already planted the front garden. I have already planted my one pot flower. The back patio has been swept.

I know I want new patio furniture. I know I want to buy lots of herbs. I know I want to buy new bird feeders. I want to buy and buy and buy. I also want to drink and drink and drink. I had one drink last night. I wanted more. The tequila is calling out to me. My credit card is calling me. My savings is calling to me. I will fight it. I will use the techniques they taught me in the hospital. I will concentrate on letting myself feel, and just enjoying the day.

Time to let sorrow bring growth.

Alcohol

Who said drinking doesn't make feelings hide? Well me for one. I figured that when I am drunk, I get to feel. Not the case. Today, I am feeling it. I am feeling the loss. I am feeling the weekend coming up. I am craving drinking all the time right now. I just want to get plastered and forget what Monday is. It is funny, because just this week, I have been wanting to take down His photos from my bedroom. I have been wanting to plain avoid everything. Alcohol is a great way to avoid.

I just want to avoid the sadness for a while.

Wow!!

I had a kid free weekend. It was great. I dropped His wheelchair off at Rygiel about 4:30 so didn't see Him after 4:00 on Friday. I had a nice, relaxing night. I watched hockey. I watched car racing. I went to bed on time. I slept through the night. It was just so nice.

Saturday, the plan I had, was to go out with my Sis for a while, come home, have a nap, shower and change, then head out to the local bar/pub for some dinner and drinks. Sis and I went to our favourite kitchen store. Thought I would buy some things (a new tea pot and infuser for it), but decided I didn't really need them. We then headed to the LCBO. I picked up some booze and tried the BEST champagne cognac that cost $80 per bottle. We headed home, and stopped at the dollar store, and I picked-up some glasses for my liquor cabinet. Time for me to go home, so we came here, and she headed out. I ended up only having a short nap, and then followed the rest of my plan.

The plan was to go to the bar, and wait for a guy I had flirted with on a previous occasion. He usually shows up to play pool early. That part of the plan changed. I got ready, dressed up slightly, and headed out. Ordered a sandwich and fries for dinner, and did a bit of people watching, and catching up with another regular at the bar. While I was people watching, I noticed a guy walking past me, smiling. The next time he came by, he winked at me, with the same grin. I asked him a question, and...

I met a guy. Cute. Well, actually hot (not that he thinks so). He has the look of Christian Slater. Sometimes he can even sound like him. (I think that is what I am going to call him that here. Christian) He has a huge heart. Has trust issues. Younger than me by 8 years (he will be 32 later this year). Likes Nascar. Likes old heavier rock. Likes his palms being scratched and his hands rubbed. He has a great sense of humour. Does funny voices. Blushes nicely and makes me blush easily. He cuddles great and his kisses and the way he looked at me, makes my knees weak.

We came back to my house, pretty early really, and, well, fooled around almost as soon as we stepped in the room. It was nice, necking with someone, and being desired like that. No actual intercourse, although we did try (Mel thinks he is "hung like a donkey" because we had some issues with my tightness and when she called, I asked her if she had any lube early Sunday morning). Feeling skin on skin was the order of the night. That and watching the race, and hockey, but don't ask me what the results were of either. He never did orgasm. I did. Multiple times. He didn't (grin).

During the night, and the next morning, we decided to give this a go. No one night stand (hence his not getting "there"). No f**k buddies. We are actually going to slow things down and see what happens. A second date has been set for this coming Saturday. Plus plans for the long weekend were discussed, along with "eventually, maybe, we will see about, possibly" getting to the point where he will meet the MIT. We did say we were "in like" with each other.

I like how I felt the rest of Sunday (after he left) and today. I like hearing his voice in my head telling me how beautiful I am. I get that this may not be a "be all" relationship. I get that he may even cancel Saturday night (confidence fading as the hours go by). For now, I am enjoying the feeling. The remembering. The fantasizing.

I can't stop smiling LOL

Decissions and letting go

When i was in the hospital, one of the things i had to learn, was how to let go of things i had no control over. The MIT having His abuser attend His church. People i couldn't fix. My friends father's illness. i am still learning that lesson.

i need to get guardianship over my son. If i was to do it, He would end up with a public guardian. Someone who doesn't know Him and someone i don't know. My parents made the decision that we are going to get a lawyer involved, so He won't get a public guardian. So now, instead of looking over paperwork, filling out forms, stressing over what will happen next, i can just sit back, do as i am told and let it go from there. Some might say i am avoiding the responsibility of doing all the work, but i am not. i still stress over not getting the guardianship in time for a medical emergency. i still stress over the cost of the lawyer. i have learned to let go of things i have no control over. Mom and Dad offering to pay for the lawyer, just means i can let go of stressing over the other things. It is good.

i have decided to go to the "Intensive DBT" training. This means i loose my therapist Sandy. i have been seeing Sandy for almost 4 years. i started seeing her 4 months after Mike died. She and i work well together. Yes i will get a new therapist, but they won't know me. They won't know all the old shit i still have to deal with. They will be concentrating over the new shit and what is called "maladaptive behaviour". What i do when the bad shit rears its ugly head and how i "cope". i only made the decision after making sure i could go back to Sandy once the year is over, and i don't loose her while i am on the waiting list. We decided together, but i made the final call. So yes, i am loosing a great resource and support, but am going to be gaining techniques to deal with everyday stuff.

i have been walking almost every day. Last night i even just did laps around my survey because the MIT was alone in the house and i had to stay close by. It helps stop my over eating. It makes me feel good. It is helping my stomach shrink. i just have to remember to do it, no matter how i really feel at the moment i am supposed to be doing it. Also, i have a plan for each day of what i need to get done, and when to do it. Mornings are for cleaning or shopping or both, and afternoons are for the walk. An extra walk when i am find myself bored or have the munchies is also added to the schedule. Oh, and i also have allotted time to just sit with a cup of tea (i got my order from Steeped Teas) and read a book. It helps keep my mind busy and gives me an excuse to walk to the library every day.

So that is my update. i have made some good decisions, and have learned that letting go can be less stressful, but not stressless. Go ME!!!

Bumps in the road

i have found that sitting at the computer, is not an activity that helps me avoid "maladaptive" behaviour. It actually creates a way i eat more. my blood sugars are back up to the 20's. In less than a week, i am back to where i was in December. Not body wise, but at least eating wise. This has got to changed.

i liked how i felt with normal blood sugars. i liked not being tired all the time. i liked being able to just sit. i am not like that anymore. i am back to where i was before, and i don't like it.

Time to try other activities.

Nerves

i am nervous about going to see Sandy (welcome to A - activity in Accepts). i don't know what to say to her. Heck, i have even changed my outfit twice, with a third on the way (well, maybe not). At least i have had lunch.

One big bonus about being in the hospital was managing my diabetes and loosing weight. i am wearing a shirt i wouldn't dare wear last summer because i felt it was too tight in the stomach area. Now, not even close. Plus my jeans have no muffin top going on. i won't know my actual weight until Tuesday (when i see the doctor) but i know i am less than i was before going to the hospital. Even my boobs have shrunk.

So, while i sit here waiting for my ride, here are the crisis intervention skills i have learned

A - Activity - writing in this journal or my paper journal, going for a walk, cleaning, making a cup of tea
C - Contribute - look for things to donate to others.
C - Compare - not one i am good at
E - opposite Emotions - listen to calming music, listen to a TV show that is not to stressful (something with puppies LOL)
P - Push away - tell people to go away for a while, focus on self, don't try to entertain
T - Time Out - count to 10, deep breath,
S - Sensations - cuddle something fuzzy and enjoy the sensation, taste something soothing, hold some ice, have a warm shower

These are all distractions, meant to take me to the next moment in time.

i think i will order some steeped tea and even make a cup of tea to take with me.

Awake and pondering

i have turned my feelings off again. i know i have. Things that have happened, that i should have an emotional reaction to, i just haven't. Instead, i just get rational.

In DBT, there is rational mind, emotional mind and wise mind. Rational mind is where the facts are. It is where the fact that the MIT bit me stays. It is where the fact that He asked for adivan stays. It is the fact where He has a week of 8 o'clock bedtimes stays.

Emotional mind is where your emotions dictate a response. i know i should feel some anger. i should feel some form of emotional hurt. i know i should feel something. Heck, i even know i have had an emotional reaction. i ate way to much and went to bed to forget it ever happened. i just don't feel any of it.

While in the hospital, i could touch on feeling like a bad mom, hatred towards Him, anger at His actions, and even fear for what He could do to me. Here, none of that happens.

Today is therapy day. i don't know how that will go. i don't know if Sandy will want to continue being my therapist. i don't know if she can help me feel. This i can feel about. This makes me scared, and has woken me so early in the day. This had me tossing and turning all night. This i can feel. Nothing pertaining to the MIT. Just this.

Oh yeah, i have made a decision. i am no longer hooking the MIT up to His monitor. i need the sleep. Instead, i go to bed thinking about what His death will be like, what i will have written in the news paper, what i will email to friends, and what the service will be like. Again, no feeling, just facts.

Why am i so broken?

Away and hiding (medically hiding)

So my symptoms made it impossible for me to take care of myself. The doctor finally got me to agree to go to the hospital. That is where i have been since Feb. 1st.

First was 2 weeks at the General. They ruled out stroke, MS, brain issues, and spinal inflammation. All good to know, because any of those would have meant not being able to get better. They determined it was something called "Conversion"

Conversion is when your body manifests emotional issues. Take for the example that i have been saying no to going into the hospital for my emotional issues for quite some time. my brain finally said "screw you, you have to go get help". So, off i go to St. Joe's for some intensive therapy.

i went in to St. Joe's without being able to walk, use my arm, feel anything on my left side, and not being able to see out of my left eye, or hear out of my left ear. Tomorrow i get discharged. i can now walk, hear, see, feel the keys beneath my fingers, feel pain, hot and cold, and act like a normal person. i also know i have certain things i need to work on.

i am taking something called DBT. Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. It is a new way of thinking about what to do during crisis, and then taking the time to feel the emotions later. They teach mindfulness, wise mind, and ways of handling situations without avoiding them. Of course this type of behaviour therapy counts a lot on lessening stresses. Things like getting more sleep is a big one. Taking the time to feel is also a big one for me.

So far so good though. Last weekend was full of panic. This weekend, i only got panicked going to get groceries. People asking me a lot of questions is also a stresses. So is to much noise. i have the techniques to deal with these as they happen. Playing my ipod while i shopped. Taking someone with me while i shopped. Deep breathing, counting to 10 while staring at cans of soup as if i was choosing one. All ways i was able to complete my shopping and not freak out totally.

While in hospital, i had a bonus reaction. my blood sugars are under control. i just have to not fall on old habits, like eating when i am stressed, and they will stay that way.

my biggest issue to deal with is something called Radical Acceptance. It is when you deal with the pain of the reality of a situation, so you don't "wallow" in it, and the suffering of it can go away. That brought up a lot of issues surrounding Mike, TJ, and the death of others i know and am close to.

i know i am not "fixed", but i have the tools to help.

Oh, and i met quite a few "interesting" people at St. Joe's. The staff were great. my favourite nurses were Barb, Pam, Danielle, George, Steve, and Alissandra, just to name a few. The food lady (some call the "Soup Nazi") Jane was wonderful. i actually made friends with one patient. Penny. She reminds me of E. She can listen, not pass judgement, and not try to fix me, just as i can listen to her in the same way. Paul was a blessing. Michael was interesting. Crystal who i hope gets better soon. Ester who needs to find her big voice. Catherine who went to a group home and i hope learns how to share the TV.

Then there are those i am glad to be away from. Cole (who can't learn how to shut up), Christy (who believes the cops are out to get her), Maurine (who makes up being sick at the drop of a hat...she even believed she had something called Tommy Hilfiger disease), and old lady Patricia (doesn't know how to shut up if her life depended on it).

Tomorrow i get discharged. i am scared. i am worried. i am excited. i am nervous. i am ready. i worry about taking back the burden of caring for my son, and experiencing feelings again.

After the Neurologist

i have had the week to sort of soak in what happened at the neurologist's on Monday. Sure the MIT's thing on Thursday messed up part of it, but i have absorbed enough to feel......on hold.

i didn't walk in to the appointment with any expectations but to have an assessment, and a game plan. i walked out with exactly that. i am to have a brain MRI and a spinal MRI, blood work (already done) and an EVP test followed by another appointment with him. i don't know when the MRI's are yet, but am going to be calling them to be put on the cancellation list. The sooner the better. The EVP test is on the 23rd of March (yes i said March), followed by seeing Dr. M again. So, i feel like i am on hold. Dr. M did say it could be an inflammation of the spinal column, but no for sure.

So, i am stuck. i can't drive, i can't feel my left side. my thinking is slow. my fingers don't work right. i have so many cant's, and don'ts i can't see the cans and dos. my Independence is gone. i have to count on others to drive me around for simple things like getting pop or any type of groceries. Appointments have to work around other people's schedules. i just can't get in my van and go for a drive to escape the city. i can't even go camping in my back yard, because i am unable to chop wood.

The worst part of it all, is how tired i get. i get the MIT ready for school, and do some dishes, and i need a sleep. Not a nap. A 4-5 hour sleep. i think the max i have been awake at a time has been Thursday, and that took sleeping for 16 hours of sleep as a recovery time. i don't know if it is the emotional tole to not being able to do what i need or the physical tole of doing what i need that is knocking me for a loop. i just know i am tired. Physically tired all the time.

i want an answer. i want a course of action. i want to know what to expect (oh yeah, and the doctor saying he doesn't think there will be much permanent damage didn't help). i want my damn life back.

What is going on

i know i haven't written here in a long time. i have been away from the computer. i have been ignoring it. i haven't had the energy or need to be here. i have had a lot of things going on.


The MIT is doing good, but not. His balance is way off. He had 6 days in a row of lost muscle tone and cluster seizures. He is better now. It all happened after Christmas, but before and during New Years. He is scheduled for a day video EEG on Thursday. Hopefully the EEG will show what kind of seizures He is having, if He is having any that day. At least the last 2 days He has walked off the bus. That is progress.

He is also maturing. He had an issue with a teacher on Monday, and He came home telling me to call His resource teacher. He knew something wasn't right about the situation, and He was correct. His resource teacher is wonderful and helped Him out the next day with active solutions to what He could do next time.

Monday is the anniversary of D's death. i don't know how i actually feel about that. i am going through the same sort of memories i hold about Mike's death. Remembering what happened this day last year. What i wish i could change about last year. The guilt of not going to see her on the 9th last year. i know for E it is more difficult. i know she is trying to not set herself up for feeling anything, and maybe ignoring the whole thing, but i also know how unrealistic that is. i will be there for her. If she needs me, she will call. i will call her this weekend and check in with her. Monday, i may be no use to her. i am going to be a little busy.

Now me. Around the 5th of Dec, part of my leg went numb. Shortly after that, part of my arm went numb. Later i stubbed my toe to the point of bleeding, and i didn't feel it. Now, most of my leg and vulva are numb. At Christmas i lost some hearing . Then i lost some sight. All on my left side. i have bouts of incontinence, and not just the liquid kind. All of this adds up to me getting to see a neurologist on Monday. i haven't looked up all this stuff on the internet. i have pushed it away during the "holidays". Now, it is full in my face. There are other things. Stuff i haven't told anyone until now.


Typing is hard. i can't feel the keys with all my fingers. Spelling is hard. Not just typos. Words i know how to spell, being spelled wrong, and nothing i can do about it, but go back and retype and spell it wrong again. It usually takes me 3-4 times to type the word write. Plus it happens when i am just plain writing on paper. It is hard for me to sometimes make the words look right.

Speaking is frustrating. i can hear myself pronounce words wrong, and using the wrong word. In my brain, it isn't wrong. i only really know it is wrong when i see the look on some one's face, or they ask me what i mean. Even the MIT is correcting me.

i can't drive. i have no peripheral vision on my right side. i am scared to drive. What if something else happens. (case in point, i cut my finger on my right hand and didn't feel it when it happened) i walk into walls when i turn a corner because i didn't see where i was in relationship to the wall.

i am scared. Very very scared. Monday i will have to explain everything that is going on with my body. Monday i will have to face a neurologist about me. Monday i am worried i will be told it is nothing. Monday i am worried i will be told it is something serious. Right now, there is no "in between" for me. i can only see the answers from the doctor being all or nothing.

i am just plain scared.

Here, but not here

i know i have been sounding kind of chipper lately, and i am, in a way. i am also not wanting to isolate myself. i am not wanting to hide under my rock. i am just not in the mood for certain things right now.

Sitting at the computer playing games just isn't in my blood right now. i just don't feel the pull to it. Sitting on the couch, and reading the paper, or sitting on my bed and colouring, those are things i want to do. Going for a drive and finding a nice place to walk around would be great.

Today my mind is on camping. It is Wednesday. i really want to go on Friday. i can't afford it though. It is very likely i won't be able to go. Instead i will just be home alone. No fire. No birds flying around me. No squirrels chasing each other around. No quiet skies full of stars. No sound of wood burning. No shivering as i sit around the fire. Damn i want to go really bad.

i haven't done my decorating yet. i fell more like sitting and doing nothing. Pouting about this weekend.

1st day of Dec.

Today i am going out with Sis to get some presents for people. She is my backup. She is the way i stay sane during this season. Part of the reason why i am doing the shopping now, is because i can't handle a lot of crowds.

Today is also the day i start to decorate the house. i still haven't pulled up the decorations, but i have the rest of the day to get it done. The bathroom is fun. The living room is a little stressful, but i have pictures from last year to help me remember where everything goes. Other than that, the kitchen is basic, as is the hallway. i want to hang lights outside, but i don't really know exactly what i want to do. i will have to think on it.

So i have a busy day today. Sis is going to be a good help.

The Season is Upon Us...

Well, starting tomorrow that is. Today is about paying bills and getting groceries, and figuring out when to get what gifts for each person on my list. Today is also about getting the "pre-tree" decorations up from the basement. Today is starting to write out holiday cards, and wait for the school to deliver the photos of the MIT. Tomorrow is when i start to decorate.

i decorate my desk, entertainment center, walls, kitchen, and even the bathroom. The only rooms i don't decorate are the bedrooms. There must always be a place for escape from the stress of the season.

i already have every one's gifts picked out. i just have to go and get them all. i know, i have to leave the house, and actually go into stores. Not my favourite activity, but one that must be done. Then hiding in my non-decorated room for a little.

This year, i am not baking. i refuse. i usually end up hurting myself if i bake. i don't want that to happen. Plus, i just don't need the added stress. i may decide later to bake a few cookies, but not likely.

This year is about being as less stressed. This year is about enjoying the (soon to come) snow. This year is about remembering last year and previous years. This year is about enjoying those i love and that love me.

Cancelled and concerns

i cancelled the tea party. i cancelled it yesterday because my friend E is now in the hospital. i cancelled because i didn't want E and P and L to worry about my silly party, when E is in such bad shape. Plus i didn't want to worry about some silly party when E is in such bad shape.

i have to say, it is about time she went in. The doctors seem to agree, because she is being kept there. i am going to go in and see her tomorrow. i know she won't be getting out for a bit. That is going to be a downer for her. i will take in the tea catalogue and we can decide if we really want to buy anything out of it. i will also be taking her some diet Pepsi, since MUMC doesn't carry it in the hospital. i know i can do just those little things to help her. i'll be doing this in the morning, since i have a date tomorrow afternoon.

Now with P, well, He is in fix-it mode. Add worry mode, and i think He is going a little crazy. Him, i don't know how to help, other than to listen when He needs to talk. That is what i will do. i am good at that.

i haven't heard from L. i left Her 3 messages yesterday, and have heard nothing back. i know P left Her a message as well. i am worried about Her. i don't like not hearing from Her. i always get self conscious if i don't hear from her, like i have done something wrong, and She doesn't feel She can talk to me about it. All i can do is wait until She calls.

my date tomorrow is with T. She and i are going to New Moon. Yes i am actually going to see that movie. Her and i made a commitment to go and see it, when we first say Twilight together. i have a feeling i will also be taking her to the next one in the series. At least i know that she and i will be laughing it up, finding all the faults with the movie and walking out of there shaking our heads. It will be fun.

So tonight, E is in my prayers, along with P, L, T, and C.

Patting

i have been hiding for the last week. i didn't go out. i didn't shower. i didn't do anything i didn't have to do. All i had to do was put on a happy face for the MIT when He was here. i made food when i could. i ordered in when i couldn't. i did what i had to do. i kept a face on when needed, and i took it off when i was alone.

Yesterday i started to peak out from under my rock. i logged on to Facebook and resumed my games. Today i showered, and got dressed, and did what i had to do. i wanted to stay hidden, but i had to do things. The MIT to MUMC for the morning. Taking Him to get His hair cut with my Mom. Getting pop for E. Paid back P for smokes. Got myself some groceries. All done.

Tomorrow i am allowing myself to hide. There isn't anything i have to do tomorrow. Allowing myself a set amount of time to tuck away from the world is good for me. That is why i go camping. i can't afford to camp right now, so hiding in the house works.

After tomorrow, things get busy again. Thursday is two appointments. Friday is one appointment. Saturday is my tea party.

Oh yeah, i am having a Steeped Tea, tea party, on Saturday. Steeped Tea (well one of their sellers) is coming to my house to serve taster teas, and to take orders of their specialities. i will be serving tea food. 2 types of cucumber sandwiches, smoked salmon sandwiches, and pineapple sandwiches. All with their crusts cut off. All fancy and stuff. Oh, and with any tea, there is also a dessert. Shortbread, cream puffs, and even scones ( i hope. i am going to try and get Devonshire cream, then i will get the scones). It will be fun.

So anyways, this is my pat on my back for pulling myself out from under my rock.

And again

i am so relaxed and rejuvenated. i am at peace. i am enjoying the quiet and the dark, in my own home.

Yes, again i took myself camping. i was there for two nights this time. Godds it was great. Birds fluttering over birdseed. Squirrels chasing each other over nuggets of biscuits. Even raccoons coming right up to me at 8pm, not scared of me at all (i was scared of those spooky guys though). Again, i did nothing. No reading. No colouring. No going for long walks. i did go for a short walk and collected pine cones, but that was it.

i talked to the animals. i talked to My Baby Bear. Most of all, i sat, listened, and enjoyed the fire and being alone.

i have found the thing to do when the MIT is at Rygiel and i have no other plans.

i have also figured out what i am getting everyone on my gift list this year. i haven't gone out and gotten any of the stuff, but at least i know what it is i am getting and what it will cost me. That is a big worry out of my life. Holidays can be so stressful. i also know my schedule (most of it) for December. i know when Tree Day, Trifle day, Yule, Christmas, Last Day of School, and appointments are. i also know when some birthdays are and have figured out what those people get. i even know when i might be going camping again.

Shopping will be a breeze this year. Knowing when and how i am going to relax is calming.

i am actually excited this year.

Camping photos:

Something for ME

i took myself camping this past Saturday. It was for one night, and i want to do it again. No MIT. No Dad. Just me. And, i want to do it for more than one night. i so want to do it this coming weekend.

i struggled a lot on Friday. i had wanted to go. i kept telling myself how easy it would be, and that yes it was time to go. i just couldn't muster up the desire enough to get myself moving. Saturday i still struggled. Yes i wanted to go, but i didn't want to move from the house. i didn't have the drive to go. With my Sis's help, i got moving, but even then, it wasn't like i had the gumption to actually leave and do it. It wasn't until i was actually driving there (well, even then i had second thoughts) that i got comfortable with the idea of leaving my house to do it.

i really am glad i went. i slept in the van. i had the propane stove for tea. i brought easy food (lunch meats and buns) so i didn't have a lot of dishes. i took wood (always take more than you think you will need, because you will always need more). i was all set. i didn't even read. i just sat in my chair, and stared at the fire. Oh, and i talked to my Baby Bear, so people stayed clear of me. LOL.

Sure there are things i forgot. There are even things i have thought of taking for next time. With camping there is always evolving. By changing the trip from one night to two, food concessions will have to be made. Maybe a better book to read, and some colouring supplies to be brought. Other than that, i think i have it pretty well planned out. i could even decide what a person is getting for Yule, and start working on it (knitting, crafty, whatever).

i want to do it this weekend. Yes it will be colder, but i have solutions to that. Burning a tea light inside the van to warm it up works great. Staying 2 nights would be my dream. A friend even gave me an idea about a tarp over the van and out and across as a "shelter" to stay out of any rain or such. The MIT is gone this weekend, so yeah, i want to do it this weekend. But...

i have a million responsibilities. Going to the movies with E. Getting the MIT ready and dropped off at Rygiel. L wants me and E to go walking downtown TO. i have a doctor's appointment this week, a therapy appointment this week, and the van gets an oil change this week. All on different days. All needing my time.

i am going to fit in as much as i can, but i am going to go camping this weekend. Rain or no rain. i need this type of me time. (then again a fire pit for my backyard would be cheaper in the long run)

Starting the year off

i am taking a page from L's book. i am starting to write in a Book of Shadows again. i am using the book the MIT gave Mike in 2003. Mike never used it. It is blank, except for the page that the MIT wrote on.

i have already written in the Wiccan Creed. Next i am writing in the Pagan Creed. i am going to write in this year's Samhain "rituals". i am going to make little notes and things as they happen.

i contacted H to see if He had made the BOS we had talked about back in April of last year. The one using the leather from M. He wasn't home, but i talked to J and found out a lot of interesting stuff.

This year's Samhain brought back memories i want to keep. It brought up thoughts of the future. i need to make a connection to both.

Thank You L for being an inspiration, and letting me see it isn't such a bad thing to get started again.