Busy month and HAPPY!!!!!

OK. So a lot has gone on since the 31st of December, but I am only going to concentrate on one thing.

I GOT A DOG!!!!!!!

That is right.  I now own a dog.  A long time ago, I was allergic to dogs.  When I had an allergy test done again for a food allergy diagnosis, they also tested me for cats and dogs and a few other mundane things.  Well, the cat prick came back as sever.  So no cats for me still.  The dog test came back perfectly fine.  Now I have kept this a secret, because TJ has wanted a dog for a long time, and I wasn't ready.  He and I have talked about it more in the last year.  He has known for a little bit, that I am not allergic to dogs.

Back in October, my "friend" (not anymore, and not really for a very long while) wanted to buy a puggle (part pug and part beagle).  I drove her out to the person that was selling them, and drove the two of them home, and then went out with her to get supplies for the new puppy.  She and her family of 3 kids and a "husband", plus his 2 kids named him Charlie.

I found out on the 16th, that she was trying to sell him, and had been trying since the beginning of the year.  I was livid, and excited.  I asked my Sis her opinion, and she said no.  I asked my Dad his opinion, and he said no.  I asked my Mom her opinion, and she said yes.  My Mom actually said Yes!  I talked to Karen, and she said yes.  That was it.  I said yes.  On the 17th, I drove home after seeing Karen, stopped at my "friend's" place, asked if Charlie was still up for sale, told her I wanted him and off I was to the bank and then back to get the dog. 

After getting him (and a receipt), I started working with him.  He was a lot rowdy.  He was aggressive.  He was hard to relax.  He had long claws.  His last visit to the vet said his next appointment should have been on Dec. 29th.  He was eating yucky food.  He had been left in a cage or on the back deck.  He had never been on a walk.  He was hating the leash.  He had two collars that did nothing to do for a correction.  It turned out he was late for his last set of shots (due on the 29th, then changed to the 14th) and they never even cancelled or went to the appointment. 

Since then, he is a much happier and healthier dog.  He got a check up and his claws cut at the vet's on the 13th.  He will go to the door when he needs to pee or poo.  He knows how to sit and stay.  He is a ball of energy, and I have found 2 ways to expel this pent up energy.  I actually jog with him, or take him to my Mom and Dad's to use their backyard.  I also am doing the "doggy boot camp" the vet recommended.  He is an attention seeker, and we are curbing his choices of how to get attention.  He has run of the house when it is only me and/or TJ home.  He is on leash when Thelma is here.  He is on leash for a lot of the time when Sis is here.  Today he actually stayed off leash when my Dad came to get TJ.  Even in that excitement, he was calm and would sit when told.  He even stayed out and about when TJ went full blown and I had to sit on the floor and pay most of my attention to TJ. We still have problems with walking and him wanting to follow every scent in the world, but things are getting better. 

Since being in my home, he is a well behaved 5 month old boy.  We go for 2-3 walks a day when the MIT is not home from school. We go threw the "doggie boot camp" training at least once a day.  His treats are ice cubes in his water bowl, and cut up carrots.  When he is calm and relaxed, he gets petted and scratched.  When he breaks a rule, his is ignored for a little bit.  He is learning quickly.  He is a joy to have around.

Bringing in 2011

Normally, I do up a sort of recount of my resolutions from last year, and list new ones.  I am not going to do that this year.  There is too much going on.  There is too much in my head right now to even think about it.

My Godfather/Uncle died on the 28th.  His funeral is on the 3rd.  I am sad and full of regret.  I have learned that regret and guilt are two different emotions.  Regret I can handle.  Guilt, leads to shame and I don't want/need that.

I have actually decided to go out tonight to a house party to hear a friend play with his band.  This will be the first NYE I have ever gone "out" to.  Yes I spent NYE with E, P, C, T, and D a few years ago, but no getting drunk and hitting on young men that year.  It was a stay in the house kind of event.  This year is different.  Oh yeah, and I am getting dressed for it.  Fancy top, and new jeans.  I am going to show off my new size. I am going to show off my boobs.  I am actually looking forward to this.  What to wear is laid out. Schedule has been made up so I do not forget to do anything.  I will actually be wearing a bit of makeup to this thing. 

I am going to be jumping in with both feet, to distract myself from what will be happening on Sunday and Mondays. This is called Opposite Emotion.  Yes, another DBT thingy. 

Next year is all about learning more about emotions, DBT thingies, not binging (and loosing weight because of it), not drinking to much, and just being healthier in mind and body. 

Happy New Years to all.

Having a regret day

Today, all I feel is regret.  Regret about how I have been living with myself the last couple of months.

I have been drinking a lot and have been lying about it.  Every weekend I make excuses to myself about why it is ok for me to drink.  Some weekends I don't.  Most weekends I do.  I drink enough to down a horse or more, but only end up staying awake, without a hang over to even make me think.  I drink enough to get me to a point where I don't feel inhibited with flirting, especially with guys I wouldn't think would go home with me.

I have been having sex a lot, and unsafe (but not in the STD way) partners.  I have been craving pain, and getting it from strangers.  I have been finding those young ones that enjoy choking.  I don't know how it happens, but it does.  Last weekend, I brought home a 27 year old that enjoyed choking.  I have been on an internet web site to get guys.  I have ended up inviting guys I just talked to over, because I know we will have sex. 

I have not been worried about my safety.  I just don't care right now.  I don't care if someone I pick-up will hurt me or kill me or rob me blind.  I just don't care.

December 1st and hoping for a better time than last year.

Last year, I started getting the symptoms, of what turned out to be, Conversion Disorder.  The stress was so much, that my brain told my body to stop  working properly.  My brain wanted me to pay attention to the fact that I was stressed, and had reached my breaking point, without me going completely insane. 

This year, things are different.  This year I am in special therapy.  This year, my family knows better.  This year, I have a coping plan.  This year, I actually feel relaxed about everything.  This year, I am looking forward, and not backwards.

I am "dating" more.  I am actually putting myself out there, to others.  I am opening up about how I feel and not just trying to block it all.  I am meditating more.  I am "in the moment" more.  I am just more.  I like it.

Sure finances suck.  Sure I have to cut back on who I can give gifts to, and how much I can spend.  Sure I could use more help around the house.  Really, none of these things are anything to loose my head over. 

Today I am decorating my house for the season.  My altar is all green and ready.  I want to go out and get holly and mistletoe sprigs.  I want to go and get my wreaths for my doors.  I am ready to decorate limes, lemons, and oranges.  I just want to enjoy this season, and just be one with it. 

Today I am smiling

To Write Love On Her Arm

 "To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.

To Write Love On Her Arms Day is a day where anyone can write the words love on their arms, to support those who are fighting against depression and those who are trying to recovering. On this day, just write love on your arms, and show it off, other people will ask why you have love written on your arms, and you tell them you are supporting to write love on her arms day, and how its benefiting a non profit organization helping stop depression, and make love the movement ♥ "

As someone that suffers from depression, post traumatic stress disorder, and borderline personality disorder, this is definitely something close to my heart.  I have addiction issues, and self-injury issues.  Yes I am working on them, but that is me.  Some just can't at this point in their lives.  For those, and for myself, This is something I will be participating in every year.  Especially now that I know about it. 
On November 12-13th write love on yours arms, and upload pictures here to show your support

Here are my pictures:

My arm

My Sis's arm

Posted late because I couldn't get the pictures up.

A month gone by....

Therapy is going well.  I am getting along with the group and learning more and more skills.  My individual therapy is also going well.  Karen and I are now moving to the point where I get to experience an emotion, for a controlled amount of time, and discuss how it felt.  It is hard getting used to opening myself up like that.  Unlike with Sandy, I trust Karen to not let me get away with going "intellectual" when I need to be emotional.

It seems I have mastered a number of the main skills.  My favourite is One Mindfully.  It is like meditating on what I am doing without any outward distractions.  Even putting laundry away is different with this skill.  Another is called Self Sooth.  Having a bath with oils or bubbles.  Doing my nails.  Having a cup of tea.  All these are self soothing things that can bring me back down to a peaceful space.  I like learning this stuff.  I didn't think I would, but I really am.

I am still seeing my puppy.  He is fun.  He is a distraction.  He is safe. 

The MIT is still, slowly, moving backwards.  He is getting more and more unstable.  Pictures are going to have to come down soon, so none get broken as He stumbles into the walls.  His health has also diminished.  He has been sick since the middles of September, and can't seem to shake what He has.  Since He has been so sick, so have I.

Right now, my health sucks.  I have a bad cough, and can't seem to shake it.  Tomorrow is the doctor's to see if my chest has cleared up, or gotten worse. 

Samhain was nice.  I hung bones in my tree.  I did what I wanted to do.  I served a good dinner.  I am sad I celebrated alone.  The MIT wasn't even here for it.  I did it for me.  I enjoyed it.  I enjoyed preparing for the night.  I enjoyed writing my regrets and burning them.  I enjoyed forgiving myself, and letting things go. 

Tonight I can say that things are good.  I am content.

So....yeah....

Yes it has been a while.  Things have been....different.  I am not sure I like it all.

The DBT is bringing up emotions I am used to stuffing down in that dark space, where they can't come out and bother me.  Now that they are coming out, I am having panic attacks.  Lots of them.  Normally, I would cut or drink or something to help stuff the emotions away.  Promising not to do that anymore, means the feelings are exploding.  So, I am picking the lesser of all the evils.  I have been picking up men.  I called that young pup from back in May that I liked.  He came over  and we had 2 great nights of sex.  I haven't called him since. 

Right now, I am good.  I have closed off that part of me, and the emotions are no longer boiling over.  I feel normal again. 

Panic and therapy

Today was therapy day.  Therapy with Karen, and not Sandy.  Friday I say goodbye to Sandy.  Today was a day to go over what behaviour is life threatening, and that I really need to stop.  We talked.  I cried.  I figured out how to fill out the daily diary cards.  I found out the rules of the group.  I left.

As I was leaving, I started to hyperventilate.  I walked back to Karen's office.  I cried, and hid in the corner.  She ran and got me an ice pack. I couldn't breath.  I couldn't pull it together.  I couldn't even talk.  I remember Karen asking me if I was having a flash back and me shaking my head.  I remember her asking me if I was having a panic attack, and croaking out a "don't know".  By the time she got back, I had gotten myself together enough to be able to talk. She told me to put the ice pack on my nose and mouth (a sensation change), and asked what I could see in the room, then what I could hear.  I know the technique she was using.  I know how to use it.  For me, it is an avoidance.  She said to use the word divergence. 

So I made it home ok.  Have been ok since.  I didn't eat dinner.  I just couldn't.  I wasn't hungry.  I did snack on TJ's dinner. 

Tomorrow, my nurse comes to change my dressing.  It is also the first day this week, without something to do all day.  That will be fun.  I already have a bunch of stuff listed that I want/need to get done.

OK, as you can see, I am still really shaken up.  I can't seem to concentrate on anything.  TV is oblivious.  Sitting and just smoking seems to be all I can do.  Thinking is out of the question.  Hence why this post is so all over the place.  Sorry about that.  Maybe tomorrow will be better.

What a group

Today was my first DBT group session.  I was so nervous, I was awake at 5:30, and pacing by 8:00.  I didn't know what to expect.  I didn't know what to take.  I was in pain and tired.

It really wasn't all that bad.  The group is all women.  There is homework to be done.  There was a lot of talking and answering questions.  I talked a lot more than I thought I would.  I guess I got the smarts to do all this, I just have to find the motivation and gumption to actually use the techniques to help myself. 

After group, I had a bit of time by myself.  I found out I was going to have a nurse for me for the next little while.  Wound management.  Someone to pull out the stuffing (sorry, packing) out of the hole in my groin, and then, without freezing, stuffing the hole back up again.  The nurse I had today was quite nice.  I will probably have a new one Thursday. 

Right now, I am exhausted.  I have been up since 5:30, and plan on getting up at that early morning time for the rest of the week.  This gives me some quiet time to myself before TJ gets up, and helps my body get used to the school schedule.  Once 11 comes around, and I take my antibiotic, I am heading to bed. 

Oh yeah.  My sugars have been normal all day, and I know I have lost some more weight

ER visit, and tomorrow

Tonight, I had to go to the ER.  I spiked a fever today, and ended up ignoring TJ and slept most of the day.  When I was finally ok enough to get up and moving, I fed TJ and myself, called the doctor on call, and then headed to the hospital.

The cyst I had (my second in 2 weeks and third in 2 months) turned into an abses.  Yuck. Yuck and painful.  I wasn't at the hospital too long, and they took good care of me.  Considering how nervous I am about tomorrow, I think my body gave me something to worry about instead of the morning.

Tomorrow is my first group DBT session.  The fist one out of 52.  I am really really scared.  OK, scared is not the right answer.  Nervous.  Very nervous.  I have no idea what to expect.  I know there will be a mindfulness exercise first.  I know how to "act" with that.  It is the rest of the stuff I am nervous about.  The new people.  How many people. 

With the pain distracting me, I think I will have enough to keep my mind more calm tomorrow.

I have also started reading my Wicca books again.  I know parts of the therapy include beliefs in a "higher power" and it is time I get back in touch with mine.  So, reading, and walking barefoot in my backyard, at any time in the day, are my starter points. 

Time to go to bed so I am up to my best, as much of my best I can be,

Life goes on

Yesterday, I drove Joseph part way to the bus station, before he pissed me off even more, because he lied to me again.

Last weekend, I caught Joseph in a really big lie.  Money related, manipulative, bald face lie.  I gave him another chance.  Saturday, he lied again.  It was a stupid, little lie, but still a lie.  One that cost me money again.  Was totally disrespectful.  I realized he wasn't worth my respect, time, love or anything.  I told him to put on his shoes and that he was going home.  On the way to the bus station, he said that it was my fault that TJ was going to be upset.  That I was causing TJ pain because I was breaking up with Joseph.  That was when I pulled over and kicked him out of the car, and didn't care how he got home at that point.

Today, I am proud of myself.  I stood up for myself.  I decided I deserve more than being lied to.  I decided I deserve more than just someone who says they love me, verses someone that shows me they love and respect me.  That is how much I have come to love myself.  How much I like myself. 

I cooked up a bunch of meat, and now have meals ready for over a week.  I did go out and buy a cake, but came home and threw it out before having any. (Yay to not doing maladaptive behaviour!!!) I have gotten down to almost what I weighed when I got out of hospital back in March.  I am going to keep going that way.  It makes my back feel better when I am lighter.  That and the prepared meals, and I am good to go. 

I am proud of myself.  I am happy.  I don't need anyone else in my life, and am not going to look for it anymore.  If someone falls into my lap, and they treat me the way I deserve, than maybe I will consider it.  Until then, I am holding my head high.

So much for a plan

So, yeah.  I haven't posted in almost a week.  Things have been ok.  Not great.  Good. 

I am feeling.....I really don't know.  Sick.  That is for sure. 

I may not post tomorrow, and definitely not on the weekend.  Joseph will be here for the weekend, and I will be busy. 

So, sucky post. 

On the day and on time

Today was not such a good day.  So many things were happening.  Most were just in my head.  Doesn't matter, it was still too much.

TJ was full blown most of today.  That is stressful enough.  Add in his shallow breathing, and his not having any "grownup" doctors and not knowing what hospital they would take him to, if I had to call 911.  Add not having guardianship.  Add dishes filling my sink.  Add financial stuff.  All equals an overwhelmed me. 

I called my Mom for help, when I was at my worst.  Problem is, I haven't gotten much better.  I didn't do any of the yucky behaviour.  I even turned away food (food I shouldn't have).  Even now, I am feeling like nothing is going right.  Just feel like everything, and I mean everything, is on my shoulders. 

Right now I am sitting here, crying for no reason.  Crying because...hell, I don't even know why.  Just plain crying.  I guess it is a buildup of emotions that I have no control over.  Maybe I shouldn't have any control over them.  Maybe I should just let them out.  Maybe that will help.

Doesn't matter now.  Time to go to bed. 

On a streak

Hey, a post about today, actually posted today.  I am proud of myself.  Then again, I don't have much to say.  I am getting tired.  Tired of always being on the lookout for how I am feeling.  Tired of always trying to keep my calm, and deal with how I feel.  Maybe I am just hiding how I feel with all this being conscious about what I am doing.

Off to bed.  Tomorrow nights post should be much better.

Sleep sounds good right now.

Tuesday roundup

So yesterday was a good day.  TJ and I spent some quality time together.  I didn't hear from Joseph, so I knew something was wrong.  I gave myself a pampering by sitting out back, music blaring while reading my book.  I am actually happy.

It has been a good week actually.  Less frustration.  Less back pain.  Less maladaptive behaviour.  Good all around good week.  I keep living each moment at a time.It is as if, since meeting with the DBT therapist, I have been really conscious about my actions.  Especially where TJ and Joseph are concerned. 

With TJ, it is a big daily change.  No yelling at him.  I breath when I get frustrated.  I turn my frustration into jokes or compromises.  I take the time to sit and talk with him.  We sit quietly watching shows and then talking during the commercials. 

With Joseph, it is about communication.  I talk about how I feel when he doesn't call me during the day.  How I feel like he forgets about me, or is scared of talking to me when things go too good or too bad.  I hear him when he tells me stuff, and have yet to pull the "It is your fault for not saying anything", instead of taking responsibility for my actions. 

With family, I am still struggling.  Karen and I had talked about "radically accepting" the fact that Cindy and TJ communicate in a weird, kind of bickering, way.  Mom and TJ are no better.  Thelma is also one I need to act that way with.  I can't change how they all act towards one another.  It is not my job to fix them, so I need to let it go.  I am still learning.  At least I haven't done anything to harm myself or my relationships.

I am keeping my altar nice.  I still haven't written in my BOS.  I haven't really done any meditation, or candle work or anything.  My beliefs are always in my mind, but I can't seem to bring myself to practice, or pray even.  It is like I can only concentrate on one thing at a time. Right now it is about getting better.  Getting the tools to keep myself sane and out of the hospital. 

Joseph and I are doing well.  We have hit the 2 month mark (actually we hit if on Sunday).  We love each other and are learning more and more about each other each day.  We are each working on this relationship AS a relationship, and not just dating. We are taking the time to hear each other out.  We are accepting each other's faults, and even music.  We are taking care of each other.  Me teaching him about his finances, and him helping me stay on my meal plan.  The amount of food he leaves cooked when he leaves is astounding.  this is a give and take relationship, not a give and give or take and take relationship. 

So today, I am happy, TJ is happy, and Joseph is happy.  Things are good. I am smiling.

Not feeling good at all

I went to bed early and sick.  I woke up late and sick.  Seems like I may have the flu.  "Runny poops", nausea, stiff muscles, head ache, sweats and chills with an over all feeling of sick.  My Sis is the one that said it sounds like the flu.  All I know is that I feel like crap and wish I could just stay in bed and sleep whatever this is off.  Then again, I am a Mom, so that is impossible. Sis helped by bringing TJ over breakfast.  Now I am up, and trying not to toss cookies.  I have a sink full of dishes and a few things to cook up today.  Other than that, I am going to take it easy as much as possible.  TJ is helping out with that as much as he can. 

The weekend went well.  Joseph and I went for drives.  He cooked for me.  He made sure I actually ate, and have food left over for the week.  I have BBQ'ed ribs, chicken and steak ready to be heated up and eaten.  I am well prepared for the week ahead, if only I actually didn't look at food and heave.  LOL.

He will be back this weekend.  Arriving on Friday and leaving early on Sunday.  Sunday we are celebrating Sis's birthday, and she doesn't want him there.  I understand.  Her birthday is about her and not my boyfriend meeting more family.

Wicca and therapy were brush away for the weekend.  Most of the time was spent enjoying each moment.  On walks I would find little things that I wanted to keep to remind me about the time outside.  I got a few rocks, and an interesting "flower".  They are now on my alter.  A symbol of the season and of what I am drawn too. 

Hopefully I will feel better soon.  I will do the dishes.  I will cook up the mushrooms and onions.  I will, no matter how I feel today, be the good Mom and do what needs to be done. 

Skipped a day and the rest of the weekend

Friday was good, and not so good.  Good was the way TJ and I interacted and played and joked and just enjoyed each other.  Good was Joseph coming for the weekend, eating home BBQed ribs and going for a drive.

Not so good was telling Sandy what happened to me when I was around 17 years old.  It had been my homework from Karen.  I did as I was asked.  I got lost in time as I was talking to Sandy.  I did a lot of talking and crying.  Sandy got into the "why" I would have felt like I did.  How could I answer that?  I still don't know why I thought I deserved to be treated so badly or why I still question if I deserve to be treated nicely.  I couldn't answer all that.  I wanted to just run away after telling her all about it.  I felt shame and yucky.

What I am proud of is I didn't do any of the maladaptive behaviour.  I did not yell at TJ at all.  I did not take any extra meds.  I did not stuff my face with chocolate. I did not do anything that would hurt me in any way.  I am very proud of myself that I found other ways to deal with the panic and stress I was feeling.  Heck, I even watched Dr. Oz.  I never watch that show.  Guess what they were talking about.  Stress. 

Over all, Friday was good.  One little blip, but that will turn out good soon too.  For the rest of the weekend, I am going to be spending time with Joseph and relaxing and enjoying being cooked for, and having the dishes done. 

We are off for a drive.  Bye until Sunday night.

Up early in the morning

Since I was up, and I just realized I hadn't done an entry for yesterday, I thought now would be a good time.

Yesterday was good.  I went to the doctor, for my usual bi-weekly appointment.  Blood pressure, very good.  Weight, down a bit.  Back pain, new drugs.  Other than that, all is good with my body.  Just wish my back pain would go away.

TJ and I had a good day.  Quiet times around the house.  If I felt my temper or voice rising, I would take a deep breath and make things playful.  Changed channels on him just because.  Made my voice and what we were doing into a joke.  I kept things light and ended up not yelling at him at all. 

Then, as I was getting ready for bed, my anxiety rose.  Today I am supposed to tell Sandy about the PTSD symptoms, and tell her the incident that caused them.  I am not looking forward to that.  I feel that it is one of the reasons I am up at this time of day. 

So, to keep calm, and not panic, I am doing a load of laundry so TJ has clothes for when he goes to Rygiel House this weekend.  I am taking naps, so I am not so tired.  I am planning my courses of action for today so when the anxiety rises, I don't do any of my maladaptive behaviour.  This is called IMPROVE the moment.

IMPROVE stands for

Imagery - imagine hurtful emotions draining out of you like water out of a pipe as you breath deeply

Meaning - fine the purpose in this pain, like telling Sandy so we can treat the symptoms

Prayer - go outside and commune with nature works with me.  Opening myself up by asking the Goddess and God to help bear the pain

Relaxation - having a cup of herbal tea and breathing deeply when ever I get the chance.  Breath while in the shower or out back.  Relax my muscles in the shower.

One thing in the moment - focus on what I am doing while I am doing it.  Be mindful of what I am doing.  Don't start thinking of what I am going to speak to Sandy about

Vacation - take mini breaks like going out back and reading (my oasis).

Encourage - cheer myself on with telling myself that I can do this.  I lived this physically, it is now time to live it out loud.  Make a plan and tell myself how good of a plan it is and that it will all work out.

So, for me herbal tea in the morning instead of caffine (caffine raises anxiety).  Taking time outs and going out back for a breather (waiting 1 min before having a smoke).  Putting laundry away.  Packing TJ's bags and wheelchair up, for when he goes to Rygiel.  Telling my self that I can do this without anything extra in my system (sugar, pills, etc).  Going out back to read. Maybe do my nails while Sis is here. 

So that is what I am going to do later today.  Time to change over the laundry and go back to bed for a few hours. 

Things move forward.

So today was therapy day.  Karen and I had made a deal about me showing up with just my prescribed amount of pain killers in my system.  I kept that deal.  I also took her what happened last night and this morning.  She was very proud of me.  We also followed her game plan about doing a "behavioural chain".

A behavioural chain is when you examine what led to doing your maladaptive behaviour.  So we studied what I did last week.  Taking the extra Perc.  After studying why I did it, as in what lead up to it, we problem solved what I could have done differently and what I could do next time.  I didn't understand all of it, but I have the basic idea. 

My "homework" (DBT is big on homework) is to do a behaviour chain each time I do some maladaptive behaviour.  It could be as bad as taking extra pills, to just yelling at TJ, to just as simple as scratching my arm to inflict pain.  That and I am to tell Sandy about my past and symptoms of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder).

Today was a good therapy day.  I didn't even pick-up chocolate at the drugstore when I went and picked-up my meds I had on order.  Today is a very good day.

DBT - ACCEPTS

It just dawned on me, as I was doing the dishes, that I hadn't explained what ACCEPTS is (see, can't even settle doing dishes).

In DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy), they use a lot of acronyms.  ACCEPTS is one of them.  It is to be used when you are in the middle of an "attack", to keep you from doing the maladaptive (not good) behaviour.  For me, right now, the attack is panic attack, where normally, I would over eat, have a drink, cut, or pop a pill.  So, instead of that, to get me over the panic attack without using those behaviours, I use ACCEPTS.

ACCEPTS stands for

Activity - doing something with my hands and body. This could involve house work, exercise, colouring, typing on the computer.  Just doing something.

Contribute - Search for stuff to give to other people who need stuff more than yourself. 

Compare - (this one I can't really do) Think of someone worse off than yourself and realize things aren't that bad

Emotion - Use opposite emotion to make you feel better.  I could put on calming music for right now, trying to bring out the opposite to what I am feeling right now.

Pushing away - I still don't understand this one.

Thoughts - I still don't understand this one.

Sensations -  I still don't understand this one.

As you can see, I still have a lot to learn.  So for right now, I am going to do the activities.  Dishes, maybe walk to the drug store to pick up some meds that I ordered yesterday, anything so I don't pop a pill, cut or eat everything in the house.