Pavlov's dog

i feel like one of Pavlov's dogs. Let me explain

For over 6 1/2 years, i always asked permission before having an orgasm.  When i was with Mike, we had a set of rules to accomplish this.  If Mike was away, i could call and leave a message on His phone and that was a way of asking.  i could even send Him an email and that would qualify (for us) as asking permission.  When i played with others, i was to ask them for permission. He isn't here anymore so there is no one i need or  have to ask permission from.  Yet, i still can't reach that gushing or feeling of release without hearing the "yes" or knowing that someone is giving me permission.  After all these months, i still can't get there.

Mike died back in May.  i have been getting more used to doing certain things by myself again.  i have been moving forward and growing.  Yes i have leaned on friends for other things, but i have been learning to take charge of me.  i have started going to "school" for reflexology.  i have been going out when i want.  i have been having fun with friends when i want.  i feel totally in control some days.  There is just one thing i can't take charge of.  Oragasms. 

Take last night.  i was using one of the little, special toys that we had accumilated over time, and it is one that is totally reliable in getting me to that point, and beyond.  Everything was going right.  i was there.  i was ready.  i couldn't get past it. 

i asked for permission in my head, thinking that would help.  i asked permission outloud, thinking that would help.  Nothing.  Just writhing, feeling at the point, and nothing.  i was getting so frustrated.  i tried to say "yes" to myself.  i tried to imagine Mike whispering "yes" in my ear, but nothing.  i had thoughts of calling a friend who would understand, panting and everything, to just hear that one word (couldn't justify it and couldn't humiliate myself that way, just couldn't.  i have a feeling the person i would have called, would have been flattered, joked a bit, tortured me with asking me why, then laugh and say yes).

So, nothing.  No relief.  No drooling even though the food is right infront of me.  Still waiting for the sound of the bell.  Still waiting for that permission.  i so feel like one of Pavlov's dogs.

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