"am i better off since Mike died?
"do i really miss Him?"
"would certain people still be in my life if He was here? Would other people not be in my life if He was still here?"
"if i had been allowed in His apartment after He died, what would i have picked to keep to remind me of all our time together?"
"why can't i have pictures of Him from when He was a child?"
"why didn't i stay online with Him even though the MIT was coming home?"
"why didn't i know something was wrong with Him when we were talking?"
"could i have stopped His death if i had seen Him having a problem by calling 911?"
Despite my attempts not to feel certain things, my brain is fighting me. It keeps bringing up thoughts and questions. A lot of questions. i don't like all the questions. i definitely don't like it that my brain seems to be betraying me. At least my feelings haven't been betraying me. i don't feel anything much when these questions come up. i do seem to clean a lot more when the questions pop into my head. Cleaning is better than feeling. Feeling hurts to much right now, and i can't seem to get out of it once it starts. i feel swallowed up by it. Some would say i allow the feelings to swallow me up, and that i allow them to have so much power over me. i don't really care. All i know is that when i start to feel, i can't stop. i loose myself in the feelings. Even now, what came out on Thursday is still on the brink of swallowing me up again. i could so easily just crawl into my hole and stay there. i could so easily just keep the MIT home and not worry about having to make myself get out of bed. It isn't like the MIT would starve (so Sandy pointed out). He knows how to use a phone and call my Sis, or my Mom, if i won't get out of bed or feed Him. Yeah, like i can let that happen. my Mom would never let me live it down. It isn't like she has let me live anything else down. So i push the feelings away. my body still doesn't like that i am doing it. Still getting sick at night, or right after i have almost built back up my little dam. The question on if i am better off since Mike died is a big one for me. It is like i am doubting my relationship with Him. Why doubt it now? Why does it sound like a betrayal to our relationship with these thoughts? It isn't like i can turn back time and change everything just to see if i would be better off if He was still here. It is fruitless to examine these questions. What has happened, happened. It is more important that i continue from here. Emotions are things i don't want right now. They cloud my ability to function. They are irritatingly crippling. Stuffing them behind my little dam is more productive. i can function better without them. Hell, at least i can function.
Today i am going to aquafit with E. i have missed going. Aquafit helped me center more last week. i am going to allow that to happen this week. i need to keep functioning. Once at aquafit, i can stop thinking about anything. i can concentrate on what my body needs to do, to follow along. i can concentrate on the people in the pool. i can concentrate on anything but the stupid questions. i am going to fit in as many aquafits as i can this week. i like how i am when i am doing them. i like how i am after i do participate. i like the stiffness of my muscles, the slight pain i sometimes get. It helps to block out the emotion.
So, for the last time this week, i am going to go and hide for a while. i don't have anything i really need to get done. i am going to go and lie down and sleep. Sleep and enjoy the quiet. Maybe even read and enjoy the quiet. Quiet i can handle, as long as my brain doesn't start with all the questions again.
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