Feeling a bit more normal

i have slept. i slept most of Friday (after the boxing day shopping). i slept most of Saturday. i slept in this morning. The wind and falling things work me up. Seems Ham is having an extreme wind warning this morning. Shingles are flying off my house. The noise is disturbing.

P is better. He had His appendix taken out. It had slightly ruptured. He is still in the hospital, but E is hoping He will be out today. It all depends on how much antibiotics the doctors want Him to have.

The MIT is well. He is enjoying staying in His room and watching His new DVD's. He is at Mom and Dad's right now, and won't be back until tonight. Until then, i will be enjoying the quiet of the house and being able to lie down and sleep when i need.

i am back to taking my meds more regularly. i am not back to perfect, but it is better than nothing. All the junk food in the house is helping me keep in mind just how much i want protein. i have no left over turkey. i can't find anything in the house to fix the cravings. Today i am going to the store to get what i need and make a bunch of dishes so i can have protein fixes this week. It will help counter the chocolate i have.

i am still not out of the depressing. i am still wallowing in it. Still not having anything to keep me here. Still not sure why i am still here. A few days of sleep hasn't helped. i don't know what will help. The increase in the clonazepan is only making me more sleepy. i guess my mood has more balanced. i am still not feeling anything. That is the part that sucks. No tears. No anger. No joy. i just feel like nothing right now.

So, the tentative plan for today is to shower and dress. Go to Fortinos for bread. Go to M&M's for apple butter pork tenderloin. Go to Food Basics for cheap pop. Maybe drop the stuff off at E's. Maybe hit White Flame and use up my gift certificate from my Sis. The shower is desperately needed. The bread is desperately needed. The pork tenderloin is needed for protein. the pop is what is sustaining me.

i don't know what else to say. One day at a time i guess

Finally over

i am happy to report that yesterday is over. i survived. i am still in the same mood as i was before it all started. Depressed. Wanting to hide. Tired. The doctor had increased one of my drugs, and it seems to be helping. Well, helping the panic attacks. It makes me more tired, and just more of the not caring. At least i was calm.

Eve - The MIT went to church with my Mom and Dad. He chose to dress up. He wore the red dress shirt that L&D had given Him last year. He chose to wear black pants (not green) and he chose to wear a Christmas tie. Once He left, i had to force myself into wrapping gifts. i just couldn't find it in me to actually want to do it. i had to do it. i needed to get it done. So i did. grudgingly. i put on a happy face, setting up the cookies, eggnog, and carrots for Santa's visit. (yes my 16 year old still believes. i am a lucky Mom). After the MIT went to bed, i actually wrapped and set-up under the tree, and hung the stockings with care. i finally made it to bed about 2am

Day - i do didn't want to do this. i put off the MIT about opening gifts. He had woken at 4, and i kept Him from hitting the living room until 6:00. We opened gifts together. i took pictures. He took pictures. He totally enjoyed the fact that Santa stole a hedgehog from me. He loved the fact that we found a carrot outside partially eaten. It was a good time. Santa out shone me on one gift. It was fun playing that up. The MIT left for church, dressed in His regular red and green. i was supposed to wrap 2 family gifts. i was supposed to start on the turkey. i had no aluminum wrap. No starting the turkey for me. i went back to sleep. i got a call from my Mom telling me to get up, and get moving on preparing the turkey and having a shower. Eventually i did just that. They all showed up at noon. Food, aluminum wrap, and presents all in toe. i wrapped up the turkey and put it in the oven, hoping 4 hours was good enough.

It was present time. i had Sis wrap Mom's gift, and also her own, since i just couldn't bring myself to do it. i got stuff. Sis got stuff. Dad got stuff. Mom got stuff. Nana and Auntie showed up, and more gifts were exchanged. Mom eventually sent me to bed once Nana, Auntie and Sis had to leave. i got to sleep for an hour. When i got up, the turkey was done. It literally fell apart when i moved it from the roasting pan to the plate. Wings, legs, and 1/2 the carcass fell off. i guess i did really good. From that point, Mom and Dad took over the dinner, and i got to just lie in front of the TV and relax. Overall, it was a good day. i survived. i made it. i lived through it. All good, i guess.

Boxing day - Today the MIT is already watching 2 new DVD's. i am sitting here typing on the computer with the NCIS marathon is on in the background. i get to go out with my Mom shopping, while the MIT and Dad get to spend quiet time together. i have adivan packed to deal with humans and Mom's driving. This is not going to be fun.

E just called. P is in the hospital. They don't know what is wrong with Him. He is out of emergency, and now in a room. K&B are here to help, and also because K is P's next of kin. An ultra sound is scheduled. That is a wait and see issue. E is going to call me later, to either talk, or as me to help out. i am on standby, and am happy with it. i help where i can, and do what i can, when she and He need me. i may be taking care of the kids. i may be driving E to the hospital to visit P. i may even be driving B back to TO. i am prepared to do whatever is needed.

i will also be spending as much time with D as i can. Without P, E can't get there. i will be taking that responsibility over. Not a problem for me. i can handle it. i will just be leaving the MIT home when i go over. i can't have Him going full blown at the hospice again.

So that is my recap. That is my plan, of sorts. That is how my life, which is intertwined with my friends' lives, will be going for the next little while. At least i have a purpose for now. Purpose keeps me here. Purpose and responsibility are the only things keeping me here.

Let's get it over with already!

It is the early morning of Christmas Eve. i am up and begrudging it. i really don't want to celebrate this year. i am not feeling it. All i am feeling is anxiety, tired, stress, depressed. i just want to curl up under the covers and hide. Yesterday was hell. i couldn't catch a break. i have found that if a wrench is thrown into my plans, i just can't handle it.

Here was the plan. First, i had to head out and go get my Sis some money to take the MIT to get his hair done. Then off to the doctor. After the doctor, i was going to head off the Walmart, then Fortinos, then Day/Night pharmacy. Home to get the newly blond MIT, wrap some gifts, and get a shower. Off to see D at the hospice, then to E&P's to drop off gifts. Head home again, and actually relax until it was time for my Mom to get the MIT for karate. Get some of His gifts wrapped, call M, La and baby girl and invite them over for either Christmas eve or Saturday. Tidy-up for when the nurse and MIT get here. Head off and get smokes. That was the plan. Here is what really happened.

i am up and ready to go. It is time to get moving. First stop, bank machine for my Sis. i get out and into the van, and it wouldn't start. i had to call CAA and get a jump. The estimated time of CAA coming was an hour. i had to be at the doctor's office for 9:30 (i thought). Let the panic attack begin. i needed that appointment. After making a bunch of calls, and still waiting for CAA, i realized my appointment was changed to 10. OK, i could breath. As long as CAA actually showed up before 9:45. Another save. CAA arrived just after 9. Ok, time to breath again. Van got a jump, and off i went to get my Sis money. Then off to the doctor.

When you are stressed, and having a panic attack (or trying not to have a panic attack), drivers that hug your bumper, drivers that can't make up their minds about where they are going, and drivers that like to go over the yellow line when turning, drive you nuts. Stress increasing. Nerves on edge. i was f**ked. i got to the doctor's office and was a mess. i couldn't sit still. i kept digging my nails into my bicep. i broke down and cried. The doctor just looked at me and listened to me and watched me fall to pieces. She even suggested she admit me to get my meds and emotions under control. Nope, i have to much to do over the next few days. So, i left the doctor's office, script for meds in hand, and headed off to my next stop.

Walmart on the day before the day before Christmas. What the hell was i thinking. i couldn't do it. i got one look at the parking lot, and tried to figure out how many people would be in there and just couldn't do it. Panic attack activate!!! (private joke) i didn't even stop. i drove out of the parking lot, and headed to the drug store. i knew i had to get my meds. i went to the pharmacy, and found a parking spot. i saw my Sis's car. Good, they were still busy. Dropped off my script and headed to the hair place.

Different people do hair different ways. L used to do the MIT's hair. That won't work now, so Sis took the MIT to Haircrafters. Yeah, no where close to the treatment He got from L. He was not a happy boy. Sis talked me down a bit, and i was able to get some stuff at the pharmacy from my "still to get" list, along with my pop, and some stocking stuffers. Took all that to the van, and then went back to get my meds. Headed home and waited for the MIT to return.

In my head, i wasn't done. i still wanted to get the rest of my list finished. i wanted (and felt like i needed) to go and visit D with the MIT, and then P&E's. So, once He arrived, that is what we planned to do. We wrapped gifts, and got out the house. Got to D's and spent only a few minutes with her, when the MIT lost His right side. We started to leave (didn't want to get stranded with the MIT going full blown at the hospice). We got to a set of chairs just before the kitchen, and had to stop. The MIT went full blown. We sat there. Waited. A Santa walked by. People looked and said "hello" to the MIT and me. One nurse asked if He was ok. Gave the "yes, this is normal for Him" response. Waited. i ended up calling my Dad to come and bring us the MIT's wheelchair so we could make it home before 4. The MIT didn't get any movement back until after 6. That blew the entire day away. By the time the nurse showed up, i was in no shape to head off for smokes. i just couldn't do it.

Yesterday was hell in my head. Today i feel like a failure. i feel even more stress because i have more piled on me today. my list of "To Do" has grown since i couldn't get done, what i wanted to yesterday. It is raining. i hate the rain. i would rather have snow. i want to just cancel everything. No family. No presents. No expectations. No stress. No full blown. No anxiety. i just want it all to be over.

But it can't be. Not yet. Today i have to (in no particular order) gift wrap, go to Walmart, get smokes, do dishes, clean the house, make cookies for Santa, send the MIT off with my Sis, find eggnog for Santa, vacuum, get gifts and cookies to P&E's, do laundry, shovel, and smile while i do it.

i am so ready to get this over with.

i thought i was over it

So, a post about what happened with L&d. i think it is about time. It all happened in October. Well, it came to a head in October. It started before that. i am not completely sure, since they didn't talk to me about it. i only know what broke the camel's back. i only know about my actions. i can not comment on their perception of the events, as they have never talked to me about it. So this is my take on it.

In August, i made a decision that i would be a part of summer camp as a demo helper. This was when i was the odd man out. i was the only one of our "group" that was single. i decided that i didn't want to be totally alone during camp, and decided that volunteering for play would be a good way for me to feel involved and not so alone. i know the "group" didn't really approve, but i knew i could handle it. i knew that i wanted to do it. i knew that i wasn't in the mood to get their approval, after they had kept me on the back burner for so long. At camp, things were fine. So i thought.

After camp, i kept in touch with L&d. i called at least once a week, to stay in contact. i emailed them and sent them messages. This had been an issue in the past as far as they were concerned, so i thought i could keep their friendship by doing what they wanted. i never got a call back. i never got an email back. The only time i heard from them, was when D's health issue came to light, and they wanted information. Still i kept up the calls.

When i found the lump in my breast, in September, i tried to talk to them about it. i called and called. i kept trying to talk to them about it, because i didn't think P&E could handle it. i tried. Still nothing from them. They were my friends, but they wouldn't call. They wouldn't talk to me. i had to deal with it all on my own. One day, i couldn't and i posted it in my status on Facebook. Not the right way to deal, but the only outlet i had. i felt like i had no support. i felt like the two people i could talk to about it had let me down. So i lashed out. That was the straw.

The venom that was sent to me, over that tiny mistake, was over the top. It was hurtful and so full of anger. It was painful, at a time when i needed support. L&d lashed out at me on behalf of P&E, and D. E forgave me that night. L&d couldn't. Since then, i have had no contact with them. They couldn't even see me to bring me back my stuff. i now know that the "straw" was an excuse to not continue the friendship on their part. i know i did what i could to keep the friendship going. i called at least once a week, to stay in contact. i emailed them, and sent them messages. Never a call back, and never a message back. They were freezing me out, and when i needed them the most. In October, i told the doctor about it. She was sending me for a mammogram. It was booked within 3 days from when i told the doctor about it. i was freaking because everything was happening so fast. i still called them, hoping to be able to talk to them about it. Nothing from them. Then, i "announced to the world" what was going on with me, they jumped down my throat. They never voiced concern over my health. They never contacted me to find out the results.

Geeze, i thought i was over it. i guess i am not. i am still angry at them. They blamed me for not being a good friend and i was the one that was trying so hard to keep them close to me, and then, when i found the lump in my breast, they just put me down for the way i handled how i was feeling, after trying to reach out to them so often to talk to someone about it, and they blew me off.

That really hurt. It still hurts. i thought they cared about me. i thought they liked me. i thought they were there for me. i guess i thought wrong. Hell, i know now how wrong i was. i was pursuing a friendship they had already decided wasn't worth it. Why couldn't they just tell me before, so i didn't feel so alone. Why couldn't they just let it go, and tell me they couldn't do it anymore instead of stringing me along and leaving me out in the cold when i needed them so much? God they really hurt me. They let me down, with no consideration of my feelings.

That isn't a friendship. Friendship is considering how others feel, and not letting them down when you don't agree with them, and accepting that people make mistakes, and telling them when they are pissing you off, and not holding grudges. They weren't my friends. i was a person they could string along, and keep close when they wanted, but ignore and throw away when it was no longer convenient for them. It is nice to know i don't have to work so hard at that friendship anymore, or live up to expectations that are unreachable and weren't even reciprocated.

So, that is the story, from my perspective, of how the friendship ended. i am sure they have a different perspective. There is always another side to each story. i don't know what their side is, because they have never talked to me about it. They have never said what it was that made them stop calling me back. They never said what precipitated all the anger they later threw my way. i know i will never know for sure what it was that started their silent treatment. All i know is what happened after i announced my lump.

On the lump front, i have had a mammogram, i have had two ultrasounds, i have had a biopsy. The biopsy came back benign. It is a lipoma. The result finally came back on the 12th. If it changes, we start the journey again to find out if the diagnosis changes.

Weird mood

Yes it is weird mood day. i am both hyper and depressed. i am jumping out of my skin. i feel like i have stuff to do, but i don't want to do anything. Weird mood.

Yesterday was a snow day. A snows so much you are trapped in your house day. It was nice being able to stay home with the MIT. Not needing to go out. Not needing to open the door. Not needing to do anything but sit in the house, in front of the TV, watching holiday shows and basking in the glow from the decorated tree. i love snow days. i can hide with out having to come up with an excuse to hide. So i hid.

Today i feel like i want to hide, but i feel the need to get things done. i am trying to figure out what to do. i did the laundry yesterday. i have dusted already. i think wrapping gifts would be a good idea. i think baking would be a good idea. Then, i think how much i don't want to do anything.

Later today i am going with P&E, along with D to their family party. It should be a different experience. A little insight given to me by E means i am going to have to be prim and proper for the party. i know what i am going to wear. i know how i am going to do my hair. i even know that i will be taking some meds to keep me calm and relaxed. i am going to be doing everything i can not to embarrass my friends. i will be on my best behaviour. Yes i am a little stressed over it. At least, i am told, i will have a good meal, and time with P&E and D. That i am looking forward to.

i am not invited to the Yule party being put on by L&d. D wants me there. She kept inviting me, and telling me it is silly for me not to be there, and she wants me there, so i will be there. i am not going. Not even for D. i can't. That friendship, with L&d, is gone.

(i just wrote a whole section on what happened with L&d, but have decided it is best to be put in a separate entry.)

So that is how i am feeling. Confused. Hyper. Depressed. Weird.

(Photos of the snow)

Still that yucky feeling

It just won't stop. All i want to do is stay in bed. It isn't changing. Then the MIT found out about the future weather picture.

There might (notice i said might) be a snow day tomorrow. He got really upset. "What about the E. A.'s?" He asked. He made me get the E. A.'s gifts, and make write up their cards, all in case He couldn't deliver them tomorrow. He signed each card without argument. He made sure i got all 4 of the cards and gifts in His bag. He double checked that each one was there. He demanded that i made sure to bake for His bus driver. He is actually really excited about the whole holiday season. He really is learning that giving to others is important.

It is a sign He is growing up. It is a stage of maturity. i am proud of Him for that. Proud that He is learning how to empathise. He is learning that others have feelings. He is expressing His feelings more. He is putting words to how He feels. Another maturing stage. He is still my cuddle man. He still likes to put His arms around me and just sit and watch TV. He is just progressing socially. i am proud of Him.

God i love my boy. Well, nearly a man. i love Him to pieces. Today was a good day. Today i need to remember and hold on to. Especially when things get bad again. They will get bad again. i just hope not tomorrow. i want another good day tomorrow.

Faking it....

i am totally faking being happy and ok. i am putting on a happy face. i am putting on a cheerful glow. i am walking around fooling as many people as i can. Inside, i just want to cry and curl up and pretend the world has ended. Inside i have given up. Inside i am ready to call it quits. my therapist knows it. my doctor knows it.

i told them both on Friday. First Sandy and then the doctor. Both know i am going to stick around. The MIT isn't keeping me here anymore. It isn't a thought to me anymore. It is a complication right now, that is all. The only thing keeping me here right now is common courtesy and common sense. It isn't much. It is all there is right now. Beyond that, i just don't want to be here anymore.

The tree is decorated, only because my Dad came over after the MIT complained. The baking has been started, only because my Sis came over and helped direct me. The baking is the last "gift" i need to get. Everything else is done. i have wrapping to do, but that can happen later. It is just the baking now. i have 2 types done. i have 3 more to go. i just don't want to do them.

Instead, a nice distraction. i will be spending tomorrow with D. She has changed so much since her meds were altered. It is nice to see "her" back again. She has been missed. i am sure her and i can get in trouble together tomorrow. It is my plan anyways. Not my agenda, just my plan. i will, as always, follow her agenda. She is excited about Christmas. She is excited about feeling better. Being with her will be a nice distraction. It won't change how i feel. It won't change my mind. It will just be a nice distraction.

Just not in the mood..

for Yule/Christmas. i am just not in the mood for all the feelings, emotions, festivities, work, or anything else related to the time of year. There are a million reasons, i am sure. Ones i know about and ones i don't want to even aknowledge. The way i know i am not in the mood, is that today is Tree Day, and i don't want to go.



i don't want to bake. i don't want a tree to water. i don't want to be happy. i don't want to buy anymore stuff. i don't want to do it. Nothing. i want it to all be over and done with.

13 days until Christmas

and i still haven't gotten any baking done. 7 days until the MIT needs to have His gifts for the staff at the school and i still haven't gotten any baking done. Baking cookies isn't all about baking cookies. It is more about having treats here for my family, giving gifts to friends that will use them for their family, and giving the MIT's bus driver something for her kids to get a sugar high. i have 7 people i need/want to bake for. 7 presents left go create.

Today is therapy day. i have been having bouts of crying fits all week. i am glad Sandy decided i needed to see her today. i am just sorry it is to be first thing this morning. i would have much more appreciated sleeping this morning and seeing her this afternoon. Being over tired and going to therapy bodes for a weepy, red-eyed, snotty nosed, crying session. my feelings are more raw, and closer to the surface. Easily accessible. Not the way i like to be. i know, suck it up.

Yesterday after school, the MIT came home full blown. He had to be reminded to breath. He couldn't move. He lost his ability to talk as soon as we got into the house, off the bus. Swallowing was difficult for Him. It sucked. i haven't seen Him like this in a while. Then again, i tend to push days like yesterday into the back of my mind and forget it. It could have been a week ago, or a week ago. i wouldn't know the difference.

Yesterday i couldn't do what i wanted because of it. It frustrated me so much. i resented Him being the way He is. i resented not being able to block out the bad. i resented the disorder. i resented being a mom. i resented the time of year. i resented everything. i still feel that way. Even after being up most of the night, i still feel that way. Then again, it could also be because i was up most of the night. i don't know right now.

So anyways, it is therapy, shopping and doctor today. Hopefully it is also baking today. It is also picking up just 3 more gifts today. i will be asking Mom to help take me to one store. Then i will be taking myself to a couple others. my security blanket (iPod) will be with me the entire time.

iPod protection powers, activate!!

No post

i didn't post yesterday. i was too tired. my brain started to malfunction around 8pm. i went to bed about 10 last night, so i am better this morning.

Something that has also helped me, was founding......Hedgehogs!!!! Hedgehogs are made by Botticelli. They are a hazelnut chocolate. They look like hedgehogs. They have little noses you can bite off. They are my favourite chocolate, and i can only find them during the Yule/Christmas/Hanukkah season. They make me happy, just knowing i have some in the house.

The MIT is doing good. He is in a good humour. He is being polite, and the idea of Santa's Naughty or Nice list is a good incentive. He is taking more responsibility with regards to His personal care. It is nice to see. Now if i could only get Him cooking. LOL.

i am enjoying my time with D. Yesterday was a good day with her. She was very lucid and was stable physically, and was eager to do things. Today could be just as good. It could also be not so good. i will see once i get there. We may just hang out in her room, and wander the halls of the hospice, or we may go to the mall and get her picture taken with Santa, or we may take care of some Christmas tasks. As always, i will follow her lead. i just hope i don't forget to take everything with me. She threatened to put me over her knee yesterday after forgetting scissors.

Now that was a very funny dialogue.

The MIT is over my shoulder. Time to get going.

i don't know what to say....

i have thoughts in my head. i know they are there. i just can't seem to access them tonight.

Thoughts and ponders

Back at the beginning of D's journey and battle, i didn't help out much. i knew that they needed time to be a family while they could. i knew their time together was important, and me stepping in, might be more of an imposition than a help. So i stood back. Yes i was there when they called and needed me. Even still, i sometimes felt guilty.

Logically, i couldn't help all that much. i have responsibilities that keep me from helping as much as i would have liked. Those haven't changed. Those still keep me away from helping out as much as i think i should be. Still, i am there when they call and need me.

Now, as things progress and worsen, i am there. This is a time i know i can help. This is a time i know how to help. i have experience with this because of the MIT. This is a time when D and her family need someone close by that can drop everything and just be there. That i am able to do right now. That i am willing to do right now.

i am able to take D out in her wheelchair without difficulty. i took her out shopping. i am able to just sit and wait and listen in small bursts. i am able to lift and not hurting myself. i am able to change clothes easily without D helping. i am able to do body transfers. i am able to make someone drink when they can't remember. i am able to just sit and count breaths and remind her to breath.

i have practice with all of this. This is what i do with the MIT. For me, it is "easy" to do. For D's family, it isn't. i have been doing this for 16 years. They are not used to this. They need to grieve as it happens. i have been doing this for 16 years. They need to step back to keep their sanity. i have been doing this for 16 years. They need to deal with nurses and doctors and volunteers. i have been doing this for 16 years.

i can hear my therapist now. i can hear her concern that i am putting to much of myself out there. i can hear her worry about how i am going to feel when this is all over. i can hear myself wonder how things will change once it is all over. i can hear her wonder when i will have time for myself. i can hear her wonder how much energy i will have left at the end of the day, week, month. But now, now is when i can help.

Now i know how to help. i offer my help freely, with no thought of anything in return. This is the best present they could have given me. Time to be with D and give them piece of mind while i am there. Now i don't feel so guilty.

And it continues

The MIT is home. He is sitting and watching The Simpsons. He sits there content, and i feel like i have not accomplished anything this weekend.

In my head, i should have:

• baked 2 batches of sugar cookies
• baked 2 batches of spiced crinkle cookies
• decorated sugar cookies
• made another gift in a jar
• print out instructions for said gift in a jar

In reality i have:

• done all the dishes
• made a dinner that is sitting in the fridge for a day when i don't want to cook
• make 1 gift in a jar
• printed out instructions for said gift in a jar, plus 3 other gifts in a jar i had previously made
• dusted
• vacuumed
• sorted gifts i have gotten for people
• kept my room clean and tidy after cleaning it
• cleaned out and took down cooler
• took down the fridge/cooler
• brought up jars for gifts in a jar

So reality says i have gotten a lot done this weekend, but still my head says different. i feel like i have been lazy. i feel like i have let my weekend without the MIT go to waste. Yes, i took time for myself, but still, i have so much to do.

i get that i couldn't go out shopping this weekend, and that has a lot to do with getting my list finished. i have ingredients to get for baking and for gifts in jars. i have stocking stuffers to still get. i have one person's gift to get. i have 2 people that i can't figure out what to get. my list stays long until those things are done, and i have the money to do them.

The big "problem" i am having, is the baking. i want to bake. i need to bake. i just can't seem to make myself bake. i think of baking, and then i remember my little freezer at the top of my fridge is full. It is full of stuff that i will eventually use, just not right now.

Damn it, i need a freezer. A real freezer.

And so the day begins

It is 9:00 on a Saturday. i have no MIT today. He went to respite last night. i will be picking Him up on Sunday.

So far today, i have taken my meds (yay me), made my bed, tidied my room, sorted gifts, started dishes, cleaned off my table, set out and lit candles, planned my week, talked to my sister, and have pulled out the ingredients to bake today. All this has been done before 9:00. On a day i could have slept in.

Why is it, when i give myself time, i feel the need to take control of my house and make it "perfect" in my eyes? Ok, i really do know why. It is because i want some control in my life. The house is the easiest thing to control right now. i can control how it looks, how clean it is, how decorated it is, and how warm it is. i can create a sense of control, by controlling my environment. It may be a false sense of control, but it is what i can actually do.

So for the rest of the day, i will be baking, dusting, vacuuming, laundry, dishes, making, and wrapping. All in the hopes of making myself feel like i am in control of something.

Oh yeah....and it is SNOWING again!!!!!!!

It is now 6:45 in the evening. i have not gotten much done. i made spaghetti for lunch. i made pork roast with potatoes and carrots and onions for dinner. i have done the dishes. i have even put the dishes away. i have had a nap. OH....i did fix the speakers on my computer. Now i can blast Yule/Christmas music while i do wrapping or baking or whatever. i don't know what else to do. Sure i have a list of stuff. i have baking i could do. i have stuff to take into the basement. i have stuff to bring up from the basement. None of which i really want to do. i guess i can have today as a lazy day.

A crying place

Today was therapy day. Yay!

Today i cried. Today i weaped. Today i put voice to the fact that i just want to curl up and die. Yeah, die. Then again, i have to many responsibilities. So, no dying for me. Instead i am going to curl up and stop functioning. At least for a little while.

Everything came down to me being frustrated about being responsible and about me being tired of actually functioning all the time. Today was about feeling out of control of what is happening around me. The MIT. D. Friends in need. Friends lost to opinions. Changes.

my therapist wants me there again next week. She knows, and i know, it is a safe place to voice all these things. It is safer than not being able to go outside. It is safer than all the panic attacks i have been dealing with. It is a place i can cry and weep and not worry about how i am perceived.

i will be there next week. i will let stuff out again. Then i will hide from functioning for a little while.

So much for plans...

That is why my favourite saying is "if you want to make God laugh, make plans". It was no one's fault but my own.

i had decided, and written down, that yesterday i would go to Fortinos, M&M's, Staples, White Flame, and Food Basics. Yeah, ok. That was tossed out when i realized i couldn't leave the house again. The panic attack was back. No idea why. i had been doing well the last couple of days. i tried. i even went to get my mail, and ended back in the house hyperventilating. So, i called my Mom and she took me to Fortinos. At least that got done. Later, when i knew lots of people wouldn't be around, i headed to White Flame (it was closed) and Staples. i wore my iPod and everything. i was able to cross Staples off the list. Yay me.

So today, i had been prepared to bake cookies and go to White Flame. Instead, i slept. i slept until i got a phone call asking for my help. i slept soundly until that point. Once i was asked, i said of course, thinking it wouldn't be a problem for me. i was wrong. i ended up needing to take adivan. Again, the thought of leaving the house was too much, but help was needed and i was the closest person for the job, so i took the yucky med, and off i went.

i am glad i did go. Where i went, was quiet. Where i went, there was love. Where i went, there was a sense of peace. i ended up going back later. i spent another 2 1/2 hours there. Sitting in the quiet and the dark. i helped put out a fire in her mind. i watched her, and i listened to her when she would talk. i listened to a snore for the first time in forever. Then i came home, where i now sit, and listen to His breath. Sitting in the dark and quiet. i watch Him and i listen for Him.

One is dying quicker than the other. Either way, it is both calming and scary to listen and watch them. Waiting for the seizure to happen. The one they will both get. The one that shows their life is shortening. The one that means life changes forever.

Holy Crap....

i am actually ahead of the game this year in regards to Yule/Christmas. i mean really ahead. Cards have been mailed. Gifts have been bought, made and done. i mean, i have never been this far ahead, on the second day of December.

i only have 4 more gifts to buy. i have 2 people i don't know what to get them. So i also have them to buy for. That makes 6. Only 6 more gifts to buy. Gifts for friends and family. Only 4 more. i do have a lot of baking and making to do. i also have to pick-up a few odds and ends for stockings. Other than that, i am done. Tomorrow is the day i am going out to finish it all off. i am so proud of myself. Hopefully this will lesson the stress of the season.

i do like baking. After getting groceries tomorrow, (along with the last few gifts) i will be able to bake to my heart's content. This is going to be fun. No more big pressure to go out and shop. No more crowded stores. No more stress about what to get anyone. None. Actual time to just sit back and enjoy the get-togethers, family traditions, and odd weather.

Yay!!!!! (this is me jumping up and down)

It is that time of year

So usually this is the time of year i post what i want for Yule/Christmas. It is like my own little letter to Santa. Soooo....

Dear Santa,

i have tried to be good this year. i know my temper has gotten the better of me a few times. It usually happens when i am over tired or stressed out. It isn't a good excuse. It is what it is. i just hope i was good enough to be on the nice list. If so, this is what i would like.

1. The MIT to get everything on His list
2. Peace of mind for my friends (current and those lost to anger and misunderstandings)
3. Candles from the White Flame Company
4. A new pair of pajamas
5. Hedge hog chocolates
6. New panties
7. A mortar and pestle
8. Fuzzy socks
9. The energy to bake cookies
10. The patience to not yell so much

Well, that is about it Santa. i hope you have a good month, and get everything done that needs to be done. There will be cookies and hot chocolate here for you. The MIT will make sure of it. He will also include some carrots for all the reindeer.

Me

December 1st, again

It is the beginning of the stressful season. Yeah, that is how i am feeling about it right now. It is the first and i am already stressing over what is going to happen the next 19, 21, and 25 days.

Today the house was decorated. i actually did it. i took down the last of the camping supplies, and brought up the decorations, and have put them all up. The house is looking festive. Too bad my mood isn't.

D is heading to hospice care. It is time. It is time for her. It is time for her family. i got to spend a great Saturday with her. We went out shopping. We were able to do two stores. i helped her choose gifts for people. i did a lot of waiting. i would sit next to her wheelchair and just wait while she made decisions, or nodded off. It didn't matter what anyone thought. It didn't wonder how weird we looked. After two stores, she was done. She didn't want to admit it. i made the decision for her. i took her home. i was granted the opportunity, to again watch her and be a support to her family. i stayed the night.

Saturday night was glimpses at insanity, instability, smiles, memories, and flashes of recognition. The insanity was mine. The instability was limbs not cooperating. The smiles were of shared comfort in silence. The memories were mine to carry for the both of us. The flashes of recognition were insightful and far between. The insanity was mine. i only have to see it in glimpses. i don't live with it. i visit it. Just like those that visit my house. i got to go home and hide from it. Even ignore the reality of it for a few hours.

This season is going to be very hard for a lot of us. Each of us enduring our own hells. Mine is a lot less than some. This year i can actually say that. This year, i regrettably get to say, that my hell is not as bad as people i know. Theirs is much worse.