i am now at the realization that what i am feeling is not sleep deprived, but actually depressed. Deeply depressed. Curl up in a ball, hide from the world, and loose myself depressed. i have been thinking of taking stuff to kill how i am feeling. Drinking, taking drugs, anything to stop feeling.
i am trying to do what i can to not fall so deep into the hole in front of me. i open the blinds every day to let what sun there is, in the house. i get dressed and make my bed every day. i cook every day. i keep up on dishes and laundry. Anything so i can avoid what i am feeling. Yeah, back to old patterns.
i just don't want to feel the gaping hole in my heart and head. i don't want to keep crying myself to sleep. i want to pretend that this isn't a bad month. i want to block all the hurt and pain. i just don't want to feel right now.
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